Chapter 89 – Lost and Found
PRIME POV
''Phoenix. Please. Stay.'' I stretched out a servo towards her, beseeching her to listen and stay by my side. But she simply shook her helm and made another step towards the door and away from me. I could not help the stabbing pain that tore through me at her actions.
She offered a sad smile in reply, ''I can't. She needs you.''
/NO, I NEED YOU!/, the thought echoed in my processor but I could not say them out loud, not now with Elita coming out of recharge. Primus knows what she has already seen and heard.
As if on cue Elita spoke once again, her words more coherent as she started to come to after her repairs and recharge, ''Optimus? Is.. is that you?''
I felt my optics flash pain and guilt towards Phoenix as I watched her step towards the door. I was torn between rushing forward and stopping her and turning around to greet Elita, my once spark mate thought lost to me forever. All at once I felt my servo begin to slowly fall back to my side and my shoulders slumped as I realised what had to be done in this moment. I had to let Phoenix leave and I had to be there for Elita, I owed her that much.
''I'm sorry. It's okay, go!'' Phoenix mouthed and waved at me before she slowly slipped out the door and disappeared down the hallway presumably to find refuge and solace on our beach. /It is where I would go if I were her/. As she walked away, I felt my spark go with her.
Ex-venting deeply, I slowly turned to face my past. ''Elita, I am here.'' I walked over to her side and came to stand beside her berth, placing my servos beside her. I did not know if I should reach out and touch her after all this time apart. /Would she even want me to?/.
As if in answer to my silent question, Elita's dermas broke into a smile as her optics fixed on me and she tentatively reached out a delicate, though powerful servo, to rest upon my own. The touch, that once sent fire racing through me, now felt foreign, especially as I recalled the feel of Phoenix's servo on me only moments ago. It was all I could do to leave my servo under hers.
''Optimus. You… you're alive. You're really here.'' Her voice was filled with awe, relief and…love? My spark was assailed with a whirlwind of emotions – happiness, relief, regret, pain, sorrow, worry. For a moment I could not speak as I carefully processed what emotion I should latch onto and what I should say and how I should respond.
I immediately brought my other servo to rest upon hers, to reassure her. ''Yes Elita. I am alive and here - with you. Though I confess, while I am overjoyed to see that you are alive and well, I am also shocked.'' My voice dropped to a whisper. ''I thought you had died.''
She squeezed my servo tightly for a moment offering her own comfort and reassurance as she started to sit up. ''I nearly did, several times Optimus. The fighting… the war…it…'' her voice trailed off as she struggled to put into words what had happened and how she felt.
I brought a servo up to rest gently on her shoulder, while I did indeed want to know how she came to land here, it did not have to be now. ''Elita, hush. It is okay. You must rest. You have been through a great deal and need to give yourself time to recover. You are safe here on a planet called Earth. For the last five, almost six solar cycles, myself and a small group of Autobots have called this planet our home and we have come to love it here.'' I felt my optics flash angrily for a moment, ''though the Decepticons have also found their way here and we have resumed our war.''
Elita closed her optics for a moment and gave a small, exasperated sigh. ''Will we never be free of them Optimus? Will it ever be over?''
I felt my spark ache for her, and I drew her to my chest without thinking, a once familiar gesture of comfort between us. ''Hopefully one day Elita. I have already killed Megatron and the Fallen, though at a cost…''
Elita pulled back from my chest with a shocked look on her face interjected my explanation. ''YOU have killed Megatron?! After all these millennia. And who is the Fallen?'' I could sense the genuine confusion and shock within her, and I felt myself smile as I realised how much there was to catch up on. /Least of which is somehow informing her of Phoenix/.
I gave a small laugh, ''Yes, I have Elita, shocking as it seems, I have managed that task. The Fallen, that is a story for another time. At the moment the Decepticons are leaderless and beaten, it will only be a matter of time before their darkness will rise up.'' /Or a new darkness will come, something much worse than Megatron and the Fallen combined/, Phoenix's warning from Primus flashed through my processor.
Elita made to sit up slowly, and I helped her. She swung her legs over the side of the berth and slowly stood up, faltering, and falling forward. I instinctively reached out to catch her as she fell into my chest. For a moment I was transported back to another time, millions of years ago and I felt a brief tug at my spark and a warmth spread through me as I recalled happier times. But as she moved to wrap her arms about me, those feelings evaporated, and I carefully stepped back and left a servo on her shoulder to steady her.
''Easy Elita, take your time.'' She smiled weakly at me for a moment, as though she had sensed the rapid change in my feelings towards her.
At that point I heard Rachet's gruff voice out in the hallway, ''How are we all doing in here?'' He stepped in and quickly shot me a pointed look before sending Elita a much softer gaze.
''Rachet! How are you, I am glad to see you still function,'' Elita's voice allowed a genuine affection to shine through and again I felt my spark twist as memories flooded my processor.
Rachet gave a small smile, ''Some days better than others.'' He stepped forward and clasped her servo in his hand for a moment. ''I am glad to see you are alive, we had all thought..''
Elita gave another sad smile, ''Yes, I know, Prime said much the same. But. Here I am! As you can see alive and well and glad to be amongst you all once again. We have much to catch up on.''
Rachet shot me a quick look before he smiled at Elita, ''Yes, it is good to see you again and we do indeed have much to catch up on, don't we Optimus?''
I shifted from pede to pede and nodded, ''Yes Rachet, I have said as much to Elita and, when she is feeling up to it, we shall indeed catch up on all that has happened since we were separated.''
Rachet nodded, ''I think that is a wise idea Prime. For now, how about we take a walk outside and Elita can see some of the island we now call home and perhaps meet a few team members, including our newest member.''
I felt myself bristle at Rachet's insistent goading and my optics flashed fire at him. I had every intention of telling Elita about Phoenix but when the moment was right, not five astro seconds after awaking on a strange planet and seeing me for the first time in millennia. While my spark belonged to another now, I cared for her deeply and would not do something so cruel to her. ''Perhaps Rachet, Elita and I can take a walk together and YOU can finish up in here. No doubt you have things you need to do?'' I raised an optic ridge at him and folded my arms across my chest.
Rachet took the hint. ''Ah, yes Prime. In fact, I do have a few things I need to do following Elita's repairs. We are getting low on..''
''Good, it's settled then. Elita,'' I turned to face her gesturing for her to head towards the exit. ''Would you like to go for a quick walk outside and I can show you some of the island now before it gets too dark?''
Elita smiled up at me, ''That would be great Optimus.''
I turned to follow Elita towards the exit when Rachet made a sound to get my attention. I turned back briefly to fix my medic with a hard 'WHAT NOW?' stare.
''Phoenix. Beach. Devastated. Decision. Hurry.'' He shot out quickly.
For a moment I knitted my optics in confusion as I struggled to decipher what he had said. Then it hit me. My spark stilled before lurching to life once again. A rising panic began to set in. ''Thank you Rachet.'' I turned quickly and caught up with Elita, opening the door and walking out into the fading afternoon shadows.
As we stepped out, I held the door open for Elita and she came to stand beside me, smiling up at me sweetly. Though in this moment my thoughts were centred entirely on another femme and I cast my optics about searching for her. Something drew my attention to our beach and that was when I saw her. Standing just inside the tree line as though she was about to walk over to me, was Phoenix. She had frozen to the spot and her servo hovered above her spark.
My own spark constricted painfully, and I felt an icy cold wave of fear sweep over me. My body tensed as she tapped her spark twice and laid her servo across it. /NO! Please. Don't do this/.
I took a step forward without saying anything to Elita, all of my focus was on Phoenix. I stretched out my servo silently trying to stop her. Yet, even as I began to run towards her, she turned and fled. I could feel Elita's confused gaze on my back as I ran towards the beach. But I did not care.
I surged through the tree line, ''NO! Phoenix! Come back!'' I yelled out loud, arriving in time to see her transform and fly away, screeching her heartbreak to the sky. ''PHOENIX!'' I yelled my own spark break out to the crashing waves and the retreating form of the other half of my spark.
I felt my broad shoulders sag, my huge metal frame seeming to slowly collapse. For so long I, Optimus Prime, had carried the weight of my race and the fate of this planet I now called home on my metallic shoulders. Now I also carried the burden of a broken spark which, at this point in time, truthfully caused me the greatest pain and regret.
For the briefest of moments, I felt myself move as if to follow her. Every fibre of my being screamed at me to chase her, hold her tight and never let her go. But I was Prime, and that title held certain responsibilities and duties. I could not abandon my team. I could not abandon Elita 1. Not now, not like this without any explanations.
I felt white hot rage boil through my systems, and I clenched and unclenched my servos as I fought a tidal wave of emotions. For so long I had been alone. For so long my spark had been broken in two as I believed my mate to be lost, another casualty of this Primus forsaken war.
By the time I arrived on Earth I had thought I had finally let go of the spark ache, or at least managed to mollify it to a manageable level, when an unexpected ray of light had pierced the darkness of my soul. Tentative at first, and almost ignored but as time went by this light, not to be extinguished, burned brighter and purer than even I had thought possible.
My Phoenix.
And, like her namesake, she had helped me to rise from the ashes of loneliness and pain and open my spark again to happiness, joy and…. Love. My spark twisted in my chassis and I cycled a ''breath'' of air, that recurring human habit.
LOVE. /I never got to tell HER that I loved her too! /. I had been relishing her words and was about to return her feelings, telling her how much I loved her, when Jazz had interrupted our solitude with some apparently life altering news that we HAD to see as it could not be explained.
Elita 1, my spark bonded whom I had thought dead, was very much alive and recharging in our Med Bay! Had I but known what lay in store for us in that room, I would have reminded her of the truth and sincerity of the words I spoke to her only last night. I would have reassured her that my spark belonged to her and no one else.
My spark twisted painfully, so much so I raised my servo to my chest, clutching at it to try and stop the ache. /Now, I doubted I would ever get to tell her I loved her/. ''I never even got to say goodbye,'' I whispered my pain to the silence around me. Anger coursed through me as my optics continued to scan the skies and I paced the beach for a moment, desperately looking for a sign that she may have changed her mind and come back to me. I could not stop the bitter thoughts from tumbling through my processor. / So long alone and now there were two! The only two femmes I had ever loved, both alive, both within my grasp! Well until now…/.
I cast my optics to the heavens as if challenging Primus himself for an answer to my pain. ''I thought you favoured me?'' the whispered snide and spiteful comment was torn from my dermas. ''Why would you send me Phoenix to complete the other half of my spark, only to tear it asunder by restoring Elita to me?'' As always silence greeted me, though this time it seemed to mock me.
I should have been overjoyed when I had heard Elita was the occupant of the pod that landed. I should have felt our bond spring to life and pulse with renewed love and affection. But it didn't. I was happy, of course I was! Relieved beyond relief that she WAS alive and okay, but something held me back, something did not feel right. And now, having watched Phoenix disappear into the evening sky, I knew beyond any doubt, had actually known for some time now but was too stubborn, too stupid and too afraid to admit it out loud to her, "it's because I LOVE YOU Phoenix''. My normally deep, rumbling voice was barely a whisper as I spoke those words out loud once again only for them to fall unheard to the ground below. Somehow, voicing it out loud only served to heighten the despair and pain my spark felt.
Yet, she was gone. /Where?/. I didn't know. /Why?/. I had my suspicions and in truth I couldn't blame her. I just wished she could have sought me out and spoken to me first, at least said goodbye. /Surely I deserved at least that?/. An unbidden thought challenged me mockingly, /Would you have done the same if you had been in her position?/.
''Optimus?'' the mention of my name in a hesitant but tender way cut short my private reverie as one of the subjects of my torment cautiously approached and I flinched at the unexpected interruption.
I half turned to face the owner of a voice I had once longed to hear with all my spark and yet now, felt somewhat annoyed at hearing. ''Yes Elita?'' came my swift reply and although I thought I did well to stifle my slight annoyance at being disturbed whilst my emotions were so raw, she must have picked up on it as she stopped short in her advance. /Perhaps our bond wasn't completely dormant after all?/.
''Are… are you okay? You left quite suddenly just now and although we have been apart for millennia, I can tell.." she shifted her weight from one pede to the other, grabbing one of her slender pink and white arms and casting her gaze towards the ground, hesitant to meet my optics lest she see in them the true cause of my actions. However, Elita 1 had never been known for cowardice, standing strong in the face of fear and uncertainty, and this moment would be no different. ''I can tell', she squared her shoulders and resumed with greater certainty in her voice, ''there is something wrong, something troubling you. Talk to me''. She clenched her servos by her side and looked at me with concern, worry and an air of authority.
I bristled slightly at first but when I turned to face her completely and saw the genuine worry, concern and determination etched into her fine features and shining in azure optics that matched my own, any trace of annoyance ebbed from me and dissolved like waves into sand. I now recalled why we had bonded. She was my equal in most every way.
I tentatively opened my bond towards her, testing it out for the first time in millennia. Though it was wizened and weak I tried to send a gentle wave of reassurance and thanks towards her whilst I also took a step closer. The momentary stunned look on her face plates indicated to me that she received it.
''Elita, forgive me. I…" I hesitated briefly searching for the right words to say and settled for honesty, "'I have much on my mind, you took me by surprise'', true on both counts. As I walked towards her, I stretched out my arms and reached for her servos, now unclenched and hanging by her side. My large metal servos enveloped hers. I started bringing them towards me, though I paused slightly, stopping short of bringing them first to my dermas and then to my chassis over my spark casing in an ages old show of intimacy.
I held her servos tightly in front of me, a show of affection yet distance at the same time. While I felt renewed affection towards her, much had changed and I didn't want to give her false hope and, more importantly, betray Phoenix in so hastily casting her aside. These were treacherous waters I was about to navigate, and I had to keep my wits about me lest I drown.
''Optimus?'' Elita prompted, her optic ridges furrowed in confusion as she sought clarification.
I ex-vented deeply before admitting, ''You are right, there is something troubling me, but I do not quite understand it myself yet''. I lied. A Prime lied. I felt my spark twist painfully in my chassis yet again. /I am protecting her/, I thought to myself and with this justification the pain lessened.
When Elita went to speak again, I silenced her, "'Elita, I appreciate your concern but for now there is nothing I wish to discuss with you.'' When she made a motion to interrupt me, I released her servos and spoke once more, ''You have my word that I will talk to you when I fully understand what is going on in my own processor, but for now,'' I beseeched her, ''please, trust that I am well enough and respect my decision''. Not quite a command but it certainly brooked no opposition.
Elita, looked briefly into my optics – searching. For what, she didn't know, nor did she really want to find it. She simply nodded her head and forced a small smile to her dermas and in a respectful but hushed tone replied, ''As you wish Optimus.'' In an attempt to banish the sudden coolness that had descended upon us, Elita asked, ''Perhaps we can return to Autobot quarters now? Afterall it is getting late and it has been a big day.''
I nodded my helm and gestured my servo towards the base in answer, inviting Elita to lead the way, 'Agreed''.
We walked in companionable silence back through the tree line away from ''our'' beach and back towards the Autobot personal quarters. When we reached the entrance Elita turned to face me. ''Optimus, I think I know some of what you must be feeling right now.'' I raised an optical ridge in silent question. ''Extreme shock, disbelief, joy and concern amongst some of the emotions that must be racing through your processor and spark right now.'' She gave a sad smile, and I felt my spark ache. ''I know that is how I feel right now.''
I returned her smile, ''Indeed Elita.'' I did not trust myself to say anymore in this moment.
She smiled at me once again and began to reach for my arm though refrained at the last moment, something I was silently thankful for. ''I know it has been far too long since we have been near each other,'' she hesitated slightly before continuing as if weighing her words carefully. ''I imagine much has happened in your life since we were… parted. While I know it would be foolish to think we could simply pick up where we left off millions of years ago, I hope we can somehow start to reconnect in some way.'' Without warning she stepped forwards and placed her helm against my chest, wrapping her arms around me. ''I have missed you so much!"
I froze, partly in terror, partly in shock and partly in hesitation. /What do I DO?/. After an interminable second, I slowly raised my arms to return her hug. ''I have missed you too Elita.'' It was not a lie. I had missed her. She started to pull me closer and I gently pushed her away from me, extracting myself from her grasp. ''You must be tired after your ordeal and repair. Please, go and recharge and tomorrow, I would very much like to hear how you survived and came to find your way here.'' At her slightly hurt expression I tried to soothe her, ''We have much to catch up about. You are right in saying much has happened for both of us since we last saw each other.''
Elita gave a small, sad smile as she took a step away from me and closer to the door of the hanger. She brought her arms up to hug herself around her waist as she stood in the doorway. My spark constricted tightly, and I felt myself reach up to place a servo on the door to steady myself. A small, strangled gasp was wrenched from my dermas as the action reminded me of Phoenix. This did not go unnoticed by Elita. ''Yes Optimus, you are right. I am tired and we do have much to discuss.'' She turned to walk inside bidding me a good evening.
I cycled another ''breath'' of air and leaned against the doorway for a moment, willing my spark to slow its erratic pulsing. I turned to raise my optics towards the rapidly darkening sky. /Why do you bother looking? She is long gone/. Though my processor told me it was a fruitless effort, my spark whispered to me of hope. I had once thought the hope of seeing Elita to be all but extinguished and yet - here she was with me. Though it is frail it can be hard to kill. I had to have hope that I would see Phoenix again, somehow, someday, so I could explain, beg forgiveness, again, and tell her I loved her.
Clinging to that comforting thought I turned and walked inside. Alone.
I had just bid good night to one ghost and now another awaited me in what had been ''our'' shared quarters only hours ago. As I lay down to try and recharge, the ''ghost'' of Phoenix haunted me. I heard her laughter as I remembered pinning her to the berth. I saw her brown and gold flecked optics as she gazed at me with such love. I felt the euphoric wave wash over me again as I recalled the moment, she told me she loved me. ''I love you Optimus Prime, with all my spark, always have, always will''.
I sighed out loud and a sound very much like a sob was wrenched from my dermas as I brought my servo up to clutch at my spark in a futile effort stop the pain.
Always had lasted less than a day.
I closed my optics and prayed to Primus that wherever my Phoenix was right now, that somewhere, deep in her spark, she still loved me and that eventually that love would guide her back to me.
I hoped.
