Chapter 89: One last push
-o-
I always wondered where each Grimm came from and why they were getting weirder and scarier. Then I found out about Salem and started wondering how twisted her mind must be for each create each monster: Soul Reaper, Beringel, and now the Nuckelavee.
Honestly, I didn't know exactly what I was seeing. It was as if a jockey had melted and merged with his horse. Where the human legs should be, only white ribs could be seen that must have belonged to the animal. The entire Grimm was black, with the characteristic bone mask on the head of the humanoid part with horns that curved backward, in what must have been its chest, and in its claws that it had hanging limp in the sides. As for the equine part, the bone segment was present in what should have been the animal's snout, ribs and hooves. Several pikes and arrows were nailed to the rider's back as if they were records of previous battles. Both the humanoid head and the horse stared at us with bright red eyes.
"What is that thing?" Jaune asked dumbfounded.
"Nuckelavee," Nora repeated the name Ren said. "It destroyed the town when we were children."
"Why doesn't he attack us?" Ruby asked, readying Crescent Rose in rifle form.
"Maybe it's waiting for us to make the first move," I guessed as I unsheathed Requiem.
We had to do something soon. The most important thing was to get Qrow out of there and take him to the nearest town for treatment. The problem was the Grimm that was in front of us, because, seeing the long horse's legs, it could easily catch up with us. Someone would have to distract him.
"I'm going to attract its attention," I warned without taking my eyes off the beast. "Get Qrow out of here while I get you some time."
"We are not going to leave you behind," Ruby objected.
"There is no choice, Ruby. Your uncle needs medical attention and we cannot expose him to further injury."
"But-"
"No buts. I will move slowly as you move behind and go away."
Before Ruby could complain further, I took a bottle of oil from my pocket and emptied it onto my blade, then lit it with fire dust, Beric Dondarrion-style.
The Grimm's eyes focused on the flame as I swung the weapon in one smooth movement and cautiously moved to the right, taking distance from the others. Silently, the boys moved stealthily and Jaune carried Qrow with his arm around his neck. I had already moved enough to have the others behind the Nuckelavee when everything went to hell. Why you ask? Because Qrow coughed loudly. The Grimm turned its head to the source of the noise and howled so loudly that it felt as if fingernails were scratching a slate inside my head. I took my gun and shot several times until I hit it in the head. That thing looked at me with its red eyes, released another howl that tempted me to burst my eardrums and extended one of its arms towards me to hit me, throwing me against a building. In case you were curious, crashing into a rock wall and getting covered in dust and rubble is not nice. By the time I recovered, it was all chaos.
The Nuckelavee had its eyes fixed on Jaune and Qrow, towards which it launched its claw as if it were rubber. They could barely evade it as the Grimm was already galloping towards them. The two of them suddenly lost their colors literally, turning into shades of gray, and the beast stopped in its tracks and began to see the surroundings as they would have suddenly disappeared. That was the product of Ren's semblance, who could mask negative emotions and become invisible to the Grimm's eyes.
Several shells shot out of Nora's grenade launcher and exploded at the Grimm, causing it to lash out at its attacker while Jaune led Qrow to safety and I joined the fray. It was hard to find a weak spot for the Grimm, with its arms reaching out like Luffy D. Monkey and holding you if you weren't fast enough. The only thing we could do was distract him with shots while the rest ventured out to try and deal direct damage.
"Guys!" Jaune called us from afar. "Keep moving. Going in circles."
I thought it was a good idea since that would make it harder for us to hit when we were on the move, so we did as we said while continuing to shoot and evade more claws. At first it worked by giving no chance to counterattack while we kept shooting and taking every opportunity to attack the legs. Jaune was hit by one of the hooves, giving him a strong back kick that knocked him down, but he stood up and sheathed his sword, which seemed strange to me before taking it again with the scabbard on and some edges grew to the sides to expand the blade. It had to be a new upgrade he applied on his sword. His attacks seemed to be more effective as the Grimm fell back to gain distance. Releasing another loud howl, it began to spin on itself in an Area of Effect attack. We tried to get out of range but had no luck being beaten down and thrown several meters.
Struggled to stand up again, another howl paralyzed me, feeling this one more strident that I felt my head was going to explode. I had barely recovered when I saw Nora being launched to defend Ren, who was trapped several meters from the ground between the Grimm's claw and a wall. She could barely deflect the limb before it grabbed her and slammed her to the ground, wiping out her aura protection.
Ren freed himself from his restraints and lunged at the Nuckelavee, but the Nuckelavee quickly shot him down. Without taking time to catch his breath, he attacked again, not caring about having a plan that wasn't just about hitting nonstop. Seeing him like that made me shudder. That was not the Ren that I had known since those distant days in Beacon. He was not the same one you usually saw meditating under a tree while Nora hung from its branches. He was not the same one who kept listening in silence to your problems and advised you with wise words. No, that was a totally different Ren. One full of savagery and one who only attacked desperately without having respect for his own life.
"Ren, knock it off!" I heard Jaune in the distance, ordering his friend to wake up from his trance, but he didn't listen.
I had to use the cable from my gauntlets to pull him back in time before being reached by the Nuckelavee's extendable arms. Even when I already had him with me, I didn't release him.
"Let go!" he roared as I grabbed him by the arms.
"Not until you calm down! You're going to kill yourself like that!"
"As if you had been different with the Soul Reaper!"
Hearing those words stunned me, as it was true. I did the same thing he was doing almost a year ago. I still remember that bloodlust against the Grimm that had plagued me for years. I tightened my grip; that was a feeling I wouldn't let my friend drown into.
"That's why I won't let you go!" I rebuked him, struggling. "I won't let you kill yourself."
"I said to let me go!"
Ren's head tilted forward for a second, before hitting me square in the face. It only took a second of daze for Ren to break free and hit me with an aura strike right in the chest. By the time I cleared my head, I was horrified to see Ren being caught by one of the arms and being tossed in midair.
I loaded Samaritan with a flare shell and fired it, failing to hit the Grimm in the face as it missed for few centimeters, but the bright was enough to blind it briefly and drop Ren, who rolled across the ground until he was close to Nora and her protection from aura dissipated. Ren hardly got up, but I could see in his gaze that he was not willing to give in and that was what worried me.
Before he launched into the attack again, Nora shoved him under the foundations of a building as the Nuckelavee galloped right at them. Before the Grimm could ram them, Jaune stood between them and stopped him before he was pushed back. The monster stood up on its hind legs in an attempt to stomp on it, but I stopped it by wrapping it in dark tendrils. Doing this took some of my energy for the Grimm's large size, but I stopped it the following until Jaune stood up and the Nuckelavee broke free of my restraints.
Several shots from Ruby hit the beast, making him focus on her. I followed her in as Jaune attacked directly. We went through the same process several times, but it didn't seem to have much effect with the Grimm still standing and us getting exhausted every second. I managed to catch a glimpse of Nora talking to Ren under the building where they were taking refuge. It didn't bother me if he was in the middle of a character development or if Nora confessed her feelings to him, but, for the love of the gods, hurry up.
"Fall back!" Jaune ordered, backing up to where Ren and Nora were exiting under the building.
We joined them, still keeping an eye on the Grimm, who was staring at us without making a move; perhaps waiting for the slightest provocation to attack us.
"Ren," Ruby called him.
I looked at the boy. His face was the same again: serene and focused on what we had in front of us. That was a relief to me. I wouldn't let him make the same mistakes as me. I would fight alongside him until the end and after that.
"Jaune and I can take care of the arms," Ruby indicated.
"I'll take care of the horse," Nora said decisively.
"I will subdue it with my semblance," I indicated.
"And I'll take care of the rest," Ren agreed.
We take our positions.
Ruby caught the Grimm's attention to provoke him to attack with one of its arms and immobilize it by stabbing it with her scythe. Jaune and Ren took care of the other, using the former's sword to fix it to the ground.
We take our positions.
Ruby caught the Grimm's attention to provoke him to attack with one of his arms and immobilize him by stabbing him with his scythe.
Jaune and Ren took care of the other, using the former's sword to fix it to the ground.
Nora attacked from above, hitting the horse hard with her hammer and knocking him to the ground.
It was my turn. I closed the eyes and ceased my breathing. I gathered the little scraps of energy I had left and lit them, feeling the flame of my aura wraps around me and fill me with energy for one last attempt. I raised my hands and two dark masses emerged from the ground imitating them, before descending on the Grimm and holding it tight. I could feel it struggling, trying release itself from me, but this time I wasn't going to give in and I applied more force on the grip.
I could hold the Overdrive for little longer than if I was on the move, but I still had to stay focused to keep the Nuckelavee from breaking free and we missed that chance to end it. I could hear my heart pounding, struggling to process the oxygen in my body while holding my breath. Each beat was a second that was subtracted from me, but I couldn't fail. Not at that time.
Ren approached the Grimm step by step, who gave its another of his famous howls, but he didn't flinch. With a quick slash, he got rid of the left arm and the Nuckelavee writhed under my semblance. Then the other followed, contorting more and making me apply more pressure. Then a cut on the chest, perhaps for something symbolic since it only caused the beast to twist and scream more. Then I suddenly felt that the Grimm stopped moving as Ren cut off its head and its body went limp, slowly starting to fade away.
That was all. It was over.
I fell to my knees struggling to breathe with the sweat covering my face. I was really exhausted. My arms trembled as they fought to keep me from hitting my face against the ground. With difficulty I was able to put a hand in my pocket and eat a coffee bean to give me a little boost of energy; what is necessary not to pass out at that moment.
A silence surrounded 9us until a sound was heard in the distance. A siren. In the distance, between the cloudy sky that covered us, I could identify a ship flying nearby. I took the last flare I had left and disapproved it on us. The orange light illuminated us as it left a trail that indicated our location.
The siren began to be heard closer and closer until our ships flew over us until they landed on the square where we were. I heard Nora and Ren telling someone about Qrow.
"You're good?" Jaune spoke next to me.
"Yes," I gasped. "I used too much energy."
"Here," a hand appeared in front of me, which I accepted and helped me to walk toward the ship Qrow was being carried to on a stretcher, with Ruby at her side.
Once we all boarded, we took off and we were moving away from that abandoned settlement, where Ren was able to close with his past and perhaps being able to move forward.
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The soft sound of the ship's engine was comforting, as if telling us we were safe, and feeling the wind on my face felt so refreshing after the fight we had.
From what I could hear from our saviors, they were only patrolling when they started hearing bursts. It was then that they saw my flares that they assumed something was going on. I had only shot them to distract the Nuckelavee, but I was glad it was useful.
My tiredness was overshadowed when we saw the view in front of us: Mistral. The images that one saw on the net did not do justice to the real thing. Buildings could be seen from the foot and up of two nearby mountains with a structure connecting the two peaks, which I assumed was the Haven Academy. At last I was in Mistral. After so many weeks of traveling. After every Grimm attack I had to overcome. After confronting Raven and her bandits. After he prevented Tyrian from taking Ruby away. That part of my journey was finally over.
We landed on a platform and Qrow was quickly unloaded to be taken to a clinic where the poison was treated, while we had a medical check-up to see that we were in good condition after our confrontation. Fortunately, we were all fine since our aura had already healed our wounds, so we were only showing fatigue and a doctor told us that Qrow was out of danger, although he would have to stay a few days to recover. With that last relief, we were released and we looked for an inn near the clinic while Ruby stayed with her uncle for a while.
I rented a room for myself, while Jaune and her group were staying in a larger one. I didn't even have the energy to eat something and fell asleep as soon as I lay down on the soft bed.
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Using the Overdrive must have taken much of my energy since I woke up almost midday. My body was not sore as I thought it would be, since I had only used it to amplify my semblance, so those times I felt pain was because of my muscles that had been overstretched.
I had barely opened my eyes when my stomach growled like ursa, forcing me to lift my butt off the bed and look for food; not without first taking a shower since I reeked of sweat.
A visit to the inn's bar and several plates of food afterward, I was brought back to life on a full stomach. Once my basic needs were met, I knew it was time to do something that I had been putting off for a few days, but I didn't feel the courage to do it. That was laughable considering that I have faced various threats in the past few months that few freshmen would have endured.
I stared at the view from the balcony at the inn, facing the street and beyond the side of the mountain on which we were. I could see other mountains in the distance, small compared to Mistral's. Beyond it would be Lotam, with my grandmother preparing lunch. There would be Shion and Taro, perhaps still in ashes. There would be Raven with her bandit tribe. It would be the coast that I arrived at. There would be Atlas, with my father and Weiss waiting for news from me, like Mary Azabache. I had come so far leaving so much behind. And now everything was on hold for the moment.
"What should I do?" I whispered to the breeze blowing.
"Does something bother you?" A voice spoke from behind, startling me to the point that I almost fell off the veranda. Nora and Ren were there on the balcony.
"Sorry, we didn't want to disturb you," Ren apologized on behalf of the redhead.
"It's okay."
It was then that I noticed something curious. Nora had her arms around Ren's and the boy was slightly flushed, but a faint smile betrayed that he was happy about it.
"So... you guys are together-together?"
The boys' faces turned redder and Nora hugged Ren's arm tighter.
"Yes, you can say yes," Nora replied shyly, but with a wide smile.
Seeing them like this made me remember the good times when I was with Ruby. The hugs. The soft kisses. That look that inspired me with confidence that everything was fine. That made me feel nostalgic, but there was also a void inside me that grew when I saw them.
"Well, congratulations," I did my best to hide those feelings.
"And what about you?" Ren spoke. "Did you talk to Ruby already?"
"No," I sighed, "but I don't think it will do any good. What I did is already done. I abandoned her when she needed me the most. There is no forgiveness for that."
"Kaiden, we already know what you had to go through. I'm sure Ruby will forgive you if you talk to her."
"That's the problem, Nora: Ruby would forgive me because she is like that. Even if she did, I don't think I can do it to myself. I've carried that guilt for months."
"Maybe you just need to listen to her to give you a push. Just have a little faith." Then she hugged me tightly.
"But…"
"We know she missed you. Nora heard her call you in dreams every night. Just don't be too harsh on yourself and give it a try," Ren encouraged me with a kind smile.
I had a hard time accepting it, but they were right. I had to try it. At least listen to how she felt, even if it was as painful for her as it was for me.
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The door was in front of me. I took a deep breath and knocked. Footsteps were heard approaching before it opened and I found the other person I had to talk to. Ruby was at the clinic keeping her uncle company, so it was Jaune who received me.
"Yes?" he spoke with disdain.
"May I come in?"
"Ruby is with Qrow. You have nothing to do here," Jaune was already closing the door in my face when I put my foot down.
"I know. It's with you that I want to talk." Jaune didn't seem convinced to let me into the room. "Please."
We stared at each other a few seconds before he opened the door and let me in.
The room was not different from mine, being this bigger and with a double bed more for two other people. On one side were the boys' backpacks with their weapons. There were two that caught my attention: a shield and a sword. I had seen them both countless times when training with Jaune. However, looking closely, I could see that the sword hilt was more detailed than before, and the shield was now accented with gold and with a design on the point that I recognized instantly.
"Pyrrha..." I said under my breath.
"We recovered her weapons and part of their armor after that night and united them to mine. At least that way we can fight together."
Memories of that night haunted me again. I could still see that date digging into Pyrrha's chest without me doing anything about it. He could remember how she was dissipating in the air as if she were a recently killed Grimm. All this brought back that feeling of guilt.
"Jaune, I'm really sorry."
"Why? For being you who returned from the towers? For leaving Ruby? For hiding the truth from us for months?"
As harsh as those accusations were, I couldn't deny that they were all true and I deserved that feeling of being stabbed.
"Yes," I replied without objection, "for all that."
"Is this how it's going to be? Are you just going to admit it?"
"Yes, because you are right. Pyrrha died because of me and so I left Ruby in Patch before I left for Atlas, so that she would be safe from a secret that I had to carry."
"Just that?"
"What else do you want?"
"That you stop acting so stoic and deny it."
"I won't. I got tired of saving everything for myself. Doing so brought us to this. I could have stayed with her, but I had to do it. She was still dealing with the death of Pyrrha and with Yang. At least if she stayed in Patch, she would be with her family. "
"You were her family too. She trusted you. She trusted you more than anyone. And you just abandoned her like that."
"I know," my voice cracked as I sat down on one of the beds and covered my face with my hands. I felt a lump form in my throat. "I just thought she would be better off without me. I couldn't drag her with me to Atlas. I knew she would go with me without thinking twice, but it would only be for me. Not because she really wanted it. I couldn't force her to leave her home."
Silence reigned in the room as I took a deep breath to control myself. It was then that I heard the springs in the other bed creak.
"Tell me, how did she fight that night?"
"As always, with fierceness and precision by which everyone knew her." I put my fingers to my scar over my right eye, "If I hadn't been overconfident, I wouldn't have distracted her when that arrow hit her ankle. You're right, it should have been me and not her. You got all the right to hate me."
"I don't hate you, Kaiden. Well, not so much now. When we got to Patch and Ruby told us everything that happened, I really hated you for doing that to her. After losing Pyrrha I knew how important it is to have that person by your side and the pain when he is gone. I carried those feelings until when we met in Oniyuri and Qrow told us everything. Since then I did not know what to feel. Maybe a little hate for you, but also for myself for this feeling of helplessness. I think, deep down, I was glad you were fine."
"Me too. I'm glad you guys are fine too and I also thank you for taking care of Ruby."
"We didn't do it for you. Ruby is our precious friend and we would do anything for her."
"Yes, I understand that feeling."
"And, well, have you talked to her yet?"
And again the damn question. It's like that homework that has you stressed out so you take a break, but it all reminds you of that.
"Not yet. And I don't know if I can do it."
"Whether you can or not, you have to. It's the least you can do for her."
"I know. I just have to find a good time," I said getting up from the bed.
"The longer you put it off, the harder it will be."
"I know, I know," I scoffed, heading for the door. "And, Jaune, I'm really glad to see you."
"Likewise, Kaiden, I'm also sorry I hit you."
"Were those hits? They felt like a girl's."
Jaune laughed, "Idiot."
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Well, my chat Jaune went better than expected. However, now I was missing someone who panicked me to speak: Ruby. I didn't know when it would be a good time to talk or if one day I would. Even if I did, what could I say? "Hey, Ruby, sorry for leaving. Wanna make out?" Even I would kick my balls if I said that.
I ent back to my room to think. There wasn't much, except for the bed, bathroom, and a desk where my backpack and weapons rested. I looked out the window for a while, watching the movement on the street. Merchants advertised their products. Passers-by approached stalls and shops to browse. Children who ran and played happily. Life went on as usual, not knowing about Salem, relics, and magic. Blessed are they. I wanted to take my mind off the secret war I was involved in, so I took a sheet from my backpack and a pen. I made two letters: one for my adoptive mother, Mary, and one for my father, James. While I gave the General a more or less complete report of what had happened recently, the letter to Aztlan would have a certain censorship of the dangerous parts so as not to alarm. Hell, I missed them so much.
I was already sealing the envelope when there was a knock on the door. I regretted opening it when I met silver eyes.
"Ruby."
"Hey, are you busy?" she said shyly.
I could have said yes. That I was cleaning my weapons. That I was meditating. That I was polishing my handle. But instead I said ...
"No."
"May I come in?"
I could have made excuses like the previous ones, but...
"Sure."
The girl entered and began to browse the room before turning to me. I could see that she was tense and said nothing, possibly thinking of what to say first. I was the same, since I couldn't think of anything. What was I supposed to do now?
"Kaiden..." I froze the moment she called me. The circus started. "How have you been?"
I don't know what surprised me more: the question or her calm tone of the girl.
"Excuse me," I replied dumbfounded, "What?"
"I asked how you been."
"I heard you, but are you seriously asking that?"
"Should not?"
"Sure you can. What's more, you're free to ask what you want: How dare I leave you? If I had any idea how I made you feel? You even have the right to scold and yell at me."
"Do you want me to yell at you?"
"If that's what you want."
"And that's what I don't want. At first I did. When you left in that boat, I just wanted to yell at you, curse you, tell you how hurt you left me. I didn't get out of bed for days and felt like I couldn't talk to Yang. Even I used the stuffed animal you gave me to practice my aim. "
"Mister Claws?"
Ruby shrugged, "I was upset. It took weeks for Jaune to get Nora and Ren. It was when I decided there was nothing I could do to stay at Patch that I convinced them to come to Mistral to investigate at Haven Academy, but I think that rather I just wanted to try to find you and find out your motives. I knew you were on the right track when we got to Lotam and met your grandmother; very good lady by the way. It all started to make a little bit of sense after the Tyrian thing and Qrow telling us all about that. I felt bad, since you had to carry that on your own for a long time, just like it was with the Soul Reaper."
Hearing her blaming herself made me feel an emptiness inside me. It was me she should point the finger at.
"I shouldn't have hidden all of that from you," I sat on my bed. "After what happened, I should have trusted you to know that someone was infiltrating the academy. But I saw how excited everyone was about the festival that I didn't have the courage to take away their illusions. Even with Beacon gone, I didn't have the courage to get you away from your home and family. "
"You are also part of my family. Weiss, Blake, Jaune, Nora, Ren... Pyrrha. You more than anything."
"I know, but since I lost Pyrrha, I didn't feel the strength to protect you."
Ruby sat next to me, "You didn't lose Pyrrha. We all did."
"But it wasn't your fault that she distracted for a second and Cinder shot an arrow at her heel," I said as I felt the scar running over my right eye. "You were the one who saved me that night. I don't know how, but you did it."
"Everyone says that, and I have absolutely no idea how I petrified that huge Grimm. Uncle Qrow says it's because of the legend of people with silver eyes, but I haven't heard anything else."
"Same. Even in the Atlas libraries and the Schnee mansion I found nothing about it."
"Wait a minute. Did you go to Weiss's house?"
"During the General's visits to Jacques Schnee. At least I was able to find our favorite ice cube."
"Really?!" Ruby was suddenly excited. "How is she?"
"Fortunately, well. I enjoyed chatting with her whenever he could. She was also very affected by leaving Vale."
"I couldn't even say goodbye to her. The last time I saw her, she was helping me get to the top of the tower."
"Between us, she missed her best friend."
"I knew it," Ruby whispered victoriously, clenching a fist. "And what is Atlas like?"
"Cold. Snow on days when the thermal system is being given maintenance. State-of-the-art development equipment. They even fixed my eye with biotechnology," I pointed to my eyeball.
"It's true," Ruby exclaimed in amazement, stroking my face gently. I felt myself blush the more I looked into her eyes. It was then that she saw behind me on the coat rack hanging on a wall, "Is that-?"
"I sneaked into Beacon to pick up a few things. I went to your room to look for Alice's diaries when the package was under your pillow. It was before coming to Anima that I had the courage to open it."
"I see," Ruby pondered my words. "And how did you like it?"
"Every time it rained, it was as if you were with me covering me. Also every night I used it to shelter me, it was like those nights in Beacon when we slept on my futon. I felt you by my side at every moment, but I also felt ... , "I stopped when I felt like I couldn't keep my feelings at bay anymore," Ruby, I'm really sorry. I really didn't want to leave you, but I was afraid of losing you. If I lost you, I don't know- "
I was unexpectedly interrupted by Ruby, who stopped me by pressing her lips to mine. That soft feeling flooded my mind as my arms claimed her after so long and her hands caressed my hair. My body burned for her, with a flame that had been extinguished for so long that for so long that it was now a flare. I was willing to give up every second of air to feel her a little more. The more I kissed her, the more my mind went back to those good days in Beacon. Our dates at Vale. Those evenings when I helped her do the class work. Those nights when she sneaked up on me and we slept together. However, my mind also went back once more to those bitter moments that forced me to make that decision that tormented for months and still does. It was when Ruby's voice, calling me heartbroken from the dock at Patch, resounded in my head and my body reacted by pulling me back.
We looked at each other in silence, with our breathing shaken and our faces reddened by the burning moment of a few seconds ago.
"It is too early, right?" Ruby was the first to speak.
"Ruby, I ..."
"Don't worry. Maybe we still need a little time. We've been through some really intense things and I think we still have some things to figure out, like seeing Professor Lionheart."
"Yes, and I promise you once we're done with that, we'll work on ourselves."
"I know. Believe it or not, I still trust you," she replied before giving me one last kiss. "I'll go get the guys and we'll go out to lunch. Okay?"
With a quick jump, she went to the door and opened it. Before leaving, she turned to see me.
"I'm really glad you're okay, Kaiden, even after everything that happened and I hope we can fix it soon."
Before I could respond, she left the room. Those words were like a balm for my soul, as if a crack in me was beginning to fill with something that I had been missing for a long time.
I collapsed on my bed, reflecting on what had happened so far. Unlike what I expected, my conversation with Jaune and Ruby was much better than expected. I expected them to yell at me and release their anger on me, I even thought they would close the door on my face. The realization that I had thought badly of my friends made me feel more guilty, but I would have time to overcome it.
I was willing to regain everyone's trust, as hard as it was, but what would be more difficult would be to do it with myself. I would still have to fight to forgive myself for my mistakes and I didn't know if I could make it completely, but now I wasn't there. The guys now knew the same as me and now we were in the same fight.
