Chapter 90– Nothing Breaks like a Spark

Phoenix P.O.V

Pain. How I hurt.

I ached as each beat of my enormous metallic wings took me further away from my spark's desire. I felt as though at any moment my spark might beat its last as it painfully contracted and twisted inside of my chassis and I would fall like a fiery meteor from the sky. Flames consumed me as my anger, grief and loss ate at me. To anyone observing the night sky on my current trajectory I must appear as a shooting star or perhaps some ''space junk'' burning up on re-entry as I sped through the inky darkness at high altitude.

I flew on through the night sky, vaguely aware of the need to keep watch on my scanners and energon detectors for any unwanted attention, from allies or foes, as I made my way as far away as possible from my home – and from him. I had never flown for this long before and I could feel myself tiring, as well as my energon levels starting to deplete.

Consulting my own GPS and guidance systems, I realised I was passing over the boarder of Mongolia into Russia. I had tried to take a path that would not be under such heavy surveillance by allies or Decepticons alike as I made my way as far north as possible, to a land that would eventually be as cold and barren as I felt inside.

The northern extremities of Siberia.

One of the least populated places on the planet and once used as a place for prisons, labour camps and internal exile. I would now banish myself here as I tried to heal from a broken spark and find a way to move forward. As the landscape below me grew as dark as the night sky I soared threw, I knew I was getting closer. Turning north east I continued on my path.

Flying out over the Eastern Siberian Sea, hugging the coastline, I saw it. A remote, isolated island where I would be sure to find the solitude and exile, I sought. /Wrangel Island/. I began my descent, seeking the cover of the sheer cliffs of Cape Waring on the Eastern most side of the island. As I came to land, I could see the pinky, golden smear of dawn spreading across the sky ahead as I carefully selected what appeared to be a rocky outcrop offering some protection from the elements and prying optics.

Landing gracefully, I transformed from ''The Phoenix'' back into my robot mode. I collapsed against the rocky wall and curled in on myself, seeking comfort and to retain warmth. Wrapping my arms about my knees I buried my face, sobbing my spark break into the emptiness that engulfed me. Below me I could hear the waves as they crashed and thundered against the cliff face, just as the waves of despair and grief washed over my spark and threatened to drown it. I felt so utterly alone, so tired and so lost.

I raised my helm for a moment and opened my dermas to let out a cry of utter despair and torment in an effort to try and release the pain that engulfed me, even as it sought to tear me apart. The sound of my voice echoed and reverberated off the cliff face and was swept out to sea by the wind, swallowed by the vastness that stretched before me.

I lowered my helm, closed my optics and prayed to Primus that I may never wake up.

Prime P.O.V

''PHOENIX, NO!'' I woke up screaming. My arm outstretched trying to stop her as she took to the sky. But just like smoke, she disappeared into the air before my optics.

I lay there in our berth, ex-venting deeply as I struggled to regain control of myself. Not twenty-four hours ago I had laid here with her in my arms, feeling so content and happy. Now, she was gone, and I was alone.

I closed my optics and fought the swell of anger and pain that threatened to consume me. A low growl rumbled through me. I was angry – at everything but mainly myself. ''If you had only told her you loved her when she told you. If you had only reminded her, convinced her, your spark belonged to her and NO ONE else she might still be here now.'' I growled out loud to myself, chiding my own negligence and ineptitude in my handling of the situation. /Would that REALLY have made a difference? Would she really have stayed here with you anyway while she was here?/. The poisonous, though challenging thought wove its way through my processor and snaked down to wrap itself about my spark. I shook my helm violently to try and prevent the thought from anchoring itself too firmly.

I lay there, unwilling to move. I felt as though I had lost my direction, my purpose, and my spark. As though the very thing that made greeting the day and making my way through it, had abandoned me. I made a small sound very much like a moan. /It had, she was gone/.

I raised an arm and stretched it out to occupy the empty space on the berth where Phoenix lay only hours ago. I turned my helm to the side and closed my optics, recalling her beautiful face as she smiled lovingly at me. I heard her words wash over me again, ''I LOVE you Optimus Prime, with all my spark. Always have, always will.'' Once again, a fresh wave of anger assailed me, and a bitter taste pooled in my mouth. This time I was angry at her!

My optics flew open and I withdrew my arm from her side of the berth, letting it clutch at my spark which now throbbed painfully as it alternated rapidly from love to anger. ''WHY didn't you at least try to come and see me, speak to me Phoenix? WHY did you leave without saying goodbye to me, or at least give me the opportunity to say goodbye to you? If you love me as much as you claim to, did I not deserve that opportunity, that right?'' I fired the rhetorical, accusatory questions into the emptiness around me.

Nothing. Silence.

I closed my optics yet again and allowed myself to cycle air through my intakes slowly and deeply as I tried to calm myself. After a moment, I began to feel the burning anger and bitterness fade away as I buried it deep down inside me. No doubt if I ever had a chance to see her again, those feelings would resurface, and I would demand an honest answer to them. However, for now, those feelings would benefit no one – least of all me.

For a moment I thought about heading down to our beach to simply sit for a while but then thought better of it. Being alone with my thoughts while the pain was so fresh would not be a good idea. I needed to distract myself. /Besides, there is something you must do today if nothing else/.

Elita 1. I had to speak to her about how she had ended up here after all this time apart, alive and well after we had all thought, she had perished millennia ago. I would also have to ''catch her up'' on how things had changed for me – for us – with the development of my relationship with Phoenix. /Who was NOT here to be introduced to Elita and fled at the first test in our relationship/. Again, I could not help the poisonous, negative comments from flitting through my processor and spark.

I ''sighed'' out loud. For a moment I thought about activating my comm link to her and trying to talk to her. Hoping that by some miracle she would answer me, and we could re-establish our connection, repair our misunderstandings and pain and be together again. /NO. If she left without saying goodbye to me, she clearly does not want to talk to me. I will respect her wishes and give her time. At least for now/.

With a heavy spark, I rose from our berth and made my way to the energon dispenser. As I stood silently downing the tasteless liquid, a concerning thought tore through me, /Phoenix did not have any energon before she left! She only has a very small number of rations on her in her subspace as do we all but after that…/. A new wave of emotion swept over me. Fear – worry. As I finished the cube and dispensed of it, I could not help the questions from leaving my dermas, ''What will she do then? How will she survive?'' Consulting my internal chronometer, I realised it was about 4 o'clock in the morning. Most of my Autobots, Elita included, would likely still be in recharge.

With a determined look on my face, I exited my quarters and strode over to the Med Bay to the one mech who could possibly help me now. Whether he liked it or not, Rachet had now become my lifeline and my voice of reason where Phoenix was concerned.

Phoenix P.O.V

''Phoenix. This is Elita 1,'' his voice rumbles softly and sadly through the darkness.

''NOOOO!'' I awake with a scream of denial on my dermas as I am torn from my fitful slumber. I bolt upright from my curled almost foetal position against the jagged rock face and I instinctively reach out an arm, desperately searching for that comforting, protective presence I had felt about me only joors ago. My chassis rises and falls as I cycle air through my intake valves furiously in a bid to calm myself down. Shaking my helm, I tried to physically banish the recurring nightmare from my processor and slowly withdraw my arm, hugging it back against my chest as I realise, that presence is nowhere to be found here.

My shoulders slump as the weight of my realisation hits me yet again. /This is no nightmare – this is reality/. Bringing my knees up under my chin, I look out over the steely grey ocean that seems to crawl beneath me. The tang of salty sea spume fills my olfactory senses and the damp, cool sea air seems to settle like a sodden blanket about my frame.

A nauseous, empty feeling clawed at my insides. /Partially due to hunger and partially due to the emotional roller coaster I have been on over the past 24 hours/, I surmised. Rising to my pedes slowly, I feel a shiver of sorts run over my frame. It was early August, but the temperature was only six degrees Celsius – a balmy Summer day here judging by the mean temperature data I accessed from my perusal of the internet. It wouldn't be much longer before the temperature plummeted well into the minuses and snow and ice covered the land.

I groaned out loud thinking to myself, /You sure know how to pick em' don't you Phoenix?/. For a moment I paused as I considered if that comment was directed at my location or my choice in who my spark wanted? Either way, it didn't matter, it was what it was. Luckily, Transformers were particularly hardy and a bit of cold wouldn't hurt. /Besides, I AM ''The Phoenix'', I have an instant command of fire at my disposal/, I felt my dermas twist into a small smile.

Stepping away from the cliff face I stood there surveying my new ''home.'' It was indeed desolate and isolated, a perfect reflection for how I currently felt. Yet, there was a rugged beauty to it and a serenity that would be of benefit as I sought to soothe my wounded spark. Again, that empty feeling gnawed at me and I felt a frown form on my face plates as I realised, I had not consumed any energon for nearly 24 hours and had flown a great distance, expending considerable energy.

I felt a ripple of concern wash over me as I recalled I only had a few rations in my subspace for emergencies and then I was effectively out of sustenance. Cycling air through my intakes roughly, I internally chastised myself for my lack of foresight. /You WERE distraught, and spark broken, energon was not high on your list of things to take care of/.

Reaching into my subspace pocket I withdrew a small cube of energon from my rations. I stared at it in silence for a moment, wishing it was something, anything else, before wordlessly downing it. Immediately I felt a warmth spread through me, providing some measure of comfort.

With the sudden rush of energy I felt course through me, I wanted to transform, leap off the cliff and fly around the island on a reconnaissance mission but something stopped me. /You might be seen. By humans, by Decepticons. Best wait until nightfall to avoid detection and stay safe/. Was that my voice or his that I heard?

A derisive snort escaped my dermas before acidic words filled with bitterness and pain were spat into the air, ''What's the point in staying safe anyway, now that she is here, I doubt he would even notice I am missing. Probably already re-established their bond!'' Even as the words left my mouth, I felt shame wash over me as I silently acknowledged the fact that that was why I left. I loved him enough to set him free to make that choice. I couldn't help it, I was so angry, so hurt I didn't care. ''I have to expel the toxic thoughts as they form, or they will surely poison me,'' I tried to reason with myself. ''But it is just the pain talking... isn't Phoenix?''

Once again, I ''sighed'' out loud, the previous rush of energy gave way to a feeling of emotional lethargy and defeat. Without a word, I slowly slid back down beside my wall, curled in on myself and slipped into a light recharge. I would need my strength over the coming days as I was on my own and I needed to source my own energon – one way or another.

As my optics shuttered closed, flashes of azure optics and a rich, baritone voice calling my name taunted me, drawing a small, sad smile to my dermas.

/Nothing breaks like a spark/, I thought painfully as I embraced the darkness.