Chapter 91 - Lifeline

Prime P.O.V

''Prime,'' Rachet's voice held both concern and sorrow as he addressed me. ''How are you doing? What can I do for you at this early hour?''

I came to stand before my medic and my trusted friend, and even though I tried to school my features into impassivity, I knew he could tell how utterly wretched I felt. ''You know me too well and I have learned my lesson thinking I can hide my emotions from you in matters concerning Phoenix my friend,'' I cycled deeply, ''I am doing as well as can be expected Rachet given the – circumstances.''

Rachet simply gave a small nod and a quick smile of understanding. ''Well, if there is anything I can do...''

''As a matter of fact, there is Rachet,'' I immediately took him up on his offer, a fact which shocked him as I was usually the type to take care of my own problems. ''Phoenix,'' /why was that name suddenly so hard to say out loud?/, ''did not have any energon before she left here and I am – concerned – as to how she will survive wherever she is without a ready supply.'' I brought my arms up and folded them over my chest, perhaps to keep my nerves and worry at bay or perhaps to somehow maintain an air of authority even though I felt anything but assured and in control.

Rachet raised an optic ridge, ''And you want me to do what about that Prime? Try and track her last known trajectory to determine where she may have headed and then use our NEST contacts to monitor and manipulate satellite feeds and global GPS as well as her own unique energon and spark signature to triangulate an approximate location?''

I unfolded my arms and allowed a slight expression of shock cross my features. ''Um, yes Rachet, that would be a good place to start.''

Rachet continued unperturbed, ''And, failing that, you want me to try and contact her directly via her comm link and encourage her to come back or at least direct her to where she may find supplies of energon?'' The old medic had a wry smile on his dermas and an air of smug satisfaction about him.

I folded my arms over my chest again and fixed him with an interrogative stare, ''Rachet…''

My friend gave me a genuine smile as he replied, ''Already done Prime. After Phoenix ah– left – and you were busy with Elita, I took it upon myself, with some help from Lennox, Jazz and Ironhide to track her and try and determine roughly where she may have ended up.'' I felt a wave of gratitude, appreciation as well as relief wash over me and in a physical display of thanks towards my medic, I reached out and clasped his shoulders in my servos.

''Thank you Rachet, I am truly honoured by your loyalty and consideration.'' I squeezed his shoulders once more before releasing him, knowing how much Rachet found demonstrative displays of affection ''uncomfortable''.

He nodded once, ''Would you like to know where we think she has ended up? We are still working on a definite location, but all our intel indicates she is within this vicinity.''

I nodded immediately, ''Please Rachet, where did she go? Where is she trying to hide from me?'' the last words were spoken with such sadness as only 24 hours ago she gave me her spark, now she was hiding from mine.

Rachet gave another small smile of understanding, ''She certainly is trying to avoid you Prime,'' I felt myself flinch, ''Last known trajectory – North Eastern Siberia.''

My dermas flew open in shock, ''She almost flew to the other side of the world, to a desolate, bitterly cold land in a bid to distance herself from me?'' I could not keep the pain out of my voice.

Rachet nodded once again, ''It would seem that way Prime. I'm sorry.'' Rachet offered me a small, weak smile before he quickly continued, ''but try not to take it personally. I mean, I can only imagine how she must be feeling after everything you have both been through and now...''

I couldn't bear to hear any more, so I interjected him abruptly, ''North Eastern Siberia is a rather large area Rachet. Can you narrow it down more? Where precisely is she?'' I folded my arms across my chest once again, a physical barrier to prevent my emotions from escaping.

Rachet sighed deeply, ''Last I heard she had passed over Tunguska before taking a north easterly path to the coastline where she passed out over the Laptev Sea after that we lost her signature and her trace,'' Rachet looked somewhat annoyed and apologetic. ''I'm sorry Prime, we are still trying to narrow the search area but until she does something to come up on our radar, I'm afraid North Eastern Siberia remains your focus area.''

I pinched the bridge where my olfactory system and optical ridge met in mimicry of the human gesture for frustration and annoyance. ''And what energon sources are there in that vicinity?''

''There are actually many natural resources in Russia and Northern Siberia Phoenix may be able to tap into to produce her own energon supplies,'' I felt a small weight lift off my shoulders at this news, ''for instance,'' Rachet continued, ''depending where she is located, there is the Kamchatka Peninsula which forms part of the Pacific ''Ring of Fire'' containing over 29 active volcanoes not to mention the Valley of the Geysers; a narrow, vegetation-covered canyon that features scores of geysers and mud pots.'' Rachet allowed a small smile to spread across his faceplates, ''OR would you prefer me to try and contact her and see how she is doing and if she would be so inclined to come on home and stop all this nonsense?'' At these last a teasing smile spread on his dermas in sarcastic jest.

I felt myself scowl at him, ''Rachet, you know as well as I that the manner in which Phoenix departed here and the circumstances that attributed to that hasty departure, she is not likely to want to return any time soon.'' I ex-vented out loud, ''Besides, I don't even know if our comms will work that far away in such a remote area of the world.''

I felt the weight that had lifted momentarily before, settle back on my shoulders and around my spark. My shoulders slumped slightly, and I turned questioning optics towards my medic and friend, ''Rachet, would you please try and contact her? I can't not try. I know she does not want to hear from me,'' my spark twisted in my chassis, ''however, she may perhaps answer your call. Please, would you try?'' My voice must have sounded desperate as Rachet gave me a sad smile and nodded his helm.

''Of course, Prime, I can do that for you. I don't know if it will work OR if she will answer but we can definitely try.'' At that he activated his comm link and began to speak. I felt my whole-body tense up in nervous anticipation. ''Phoenix? Can you hear me? This is Rachet. I just want to know you are okay. We are all worried about you. Phoenix, can you hear me? Acknowledge, please.''

Nothing. Static. Rachet furrowed his brows in concentration.

''Phoenix? This is Rachet. If you can hear me and you are low on energon head to the Kamchatka Peninsula. You will be able to use your empty energon cubes to store energon from the natural resources found there. Please, be safe, we are all worried about you and we are all here for you whenever you are ready. Rachet out.''

I closed my optics for a moment as I let Rachet's words sink into me. /We are all here for you. Even if you don't want me now my Phoenix, I will be waiting for you/. I opened my optics again and gave Rachet an appreciative nod. ''Thank you Rachet. While I know it is a long shot, I would like you to keep trying to establish contact with her.''

''Of course Prime, I had intended to do so.'' Rachet walked over a little closer to me and, in a rare physical display of concern, placed a servo on my arm. ''How are you doing?''

I stared at his servo so I would not have to look at his face and he would not see the turmoil and pain lurking in my optics. ''I confess, I have felt better Rachet.''

I heard a loud snort, ''Prime, this is me you are talking to. Not Mearing or Morshower or even Lennox. It's me Rachet, your medic and friend for over 8 million years not to mention the first mech who realised how you and Phoenix felt about each other. I ask again, how are you doing?'' I felt a slight squeeze on my arm, a silent indication for me to look at him.

I slowly raised my optics to his, ''Rachet, I feel as though half of me is missing. I am torn in two all over again but this time it seems more painful.'' I allowed all the hurt I felt bleed through into my words, and I heard Rachet ''gasp'' sharply at the look I must have held in my optics. ''To have come so close to having her spark held in mine,'' I nodded at Rachet's shocked expression, ''Yes Rachet, our sparks wanted to merge, forge a bond straight away.''

Rachet shook his helm in astonishment and awe, ''Prime, that is..''

''Amazing. I know,'' sadness and regret saturated my words, ''to think our sparks so desperately sought each other and now… she is gone.'' I small, soft moan escaped my dermas. I did not try and contain it.

In a very soft voice, barely a whisper, I heard Rachet question, ''What stopped you? Why didn't you allow it to happen?''

''Phoenix. She was the one who reasoned that now was not the time. That with the great darkness Primus foretold was coming if we were to bond and one of us was to…. you know… we would be leaving you, our friends, and this beautiful planet, all defenseless. Neither of us could stand the thought of that happening so we refrained.'' I closed my optics and looked away from my friend before I spoke in a hushed tone, ''If I had known Rachet, if I had any idea that Elita lived, I would never have opened my spark to another.'' I opened my optics again and allowed a small, wistful smile to play on my dermas, ''but then again OC, my Phoenix, was a force I could not deny. Against everything she found a way into my lonely, aching spark and healed it, capturing it like no one ever has.''

''You mean, you love Phoenix more…'' Rachet started to ask out loud incredulously.

I nodded, ''More than I loved Elita, something I thought could not be possible and yet, here I am. Spark broken once more though this time the femme it belongs to still lives and is on the same planet. She just does not want to be near me.'' I felt myself give a loud derisive snort, ''So it would seem our plan not to spark bond was to no avail anyway. Primus warned us, ''If you should break ties… the darkness will seal all fates.'' I felt my spark twist and pulse painfully in my chassis as I spoke the words. ''It would seem we have doomed you all regardless. It feels as though we have well and truly broken ties Rachet.''

I raised a servo to my chest to try and stop the pain my spark felt. Only in front of Rachet did I feel able to show such raw emotion. ''It hurts so much. It is as though we did bond and I can feel her pain too.'' I placed a servo on his shoulder to steady myself. ''If I had known Elita was waiting for us in the Med Bay I would have made her bond with me so I could let her feel how much I love her, let her know how she is the only one my spark beats for and maybe she would still be here with us – with me. Rachet I didn't even get to tell her I loved her!'' I felt myself cycle air through my intakes deeply as I struggled to maintain control. ''I feel as though I am drowning, and my lifeline has disappeared.'' I removed my servo and placed both of them over my spark, trying to contain the overwhelming pain I felt.

I numbly felt Rachet's servos on my shoulder struts as he gently squeezed them reassuringly for a moment. ''Then let me step up and be the one to throw you a lifeline Prime. While I know it seems bleak at the moment, raw and painful, I cannot believe, I refuse to believe that Phoenix no longer loves you and wants to be with you. After all you have been through, after watching the two of you dance around each other for almost six years.'' Rachet shook his helm at me before allowing a thoughtful expression to set on his features. ''I honestly think Prime that she made the decision to leave for you, because she loves you!'' I felt my optics snap up to his, my optic ridge furrowing in utter confusion at his seemingly inane suggestion.

''What on Cybertron do you mean by that Rachet? How can leaving me after telling me she loves me, leaving me spark broken, be a result of her love for me?'' I could not help keeping the incredulous tone out of my voice.

''Think about it Prime,'' Rachet spoke gently yet firmly to me. ''Phoenix knew of Elita 1 through your many talks with her. She knew how much you loved her and how much pain you have endured at her apparent loss. As shocked as she must rightly be at having been thrown into this situation, at having to face the ghost of your past love, deep down she must have made the decision to leave for you to give you both the chance at love you were robbed of. Prime, it is because she loves you so much, she is giving you the chance to reconnect with Elita and try to pick up where you left off.''

I shook my helm quickly from side to side, ''But that's just it Rachet! I don't feel anything for Elita anymore. Of course, I care for her deeply, always will, but I do not have the same feelings I did.'' My voice dropped to the faintest of whispers and I hung my helm in shame, ''I do not love her like I once did.''

I felt my dermas twist into a wry grin, and I raised my helm once more, ''which brings in itself new problems as I feel an overwhelming guilt each time I look at Elita, as though I let her down and abandoned her. That I have somehow been dishonest to her by allowing myself to fall in love with Phoenix.'' It was true. Once my initial shock and gratitude that she was alive had passed, it was immediately replaced with guilt. Guilt towards Elita that I stood there before her with a new femme and guilt towards Phoenix as I stood there with the only other femme from my past. Either way, I felt like I had betrayed them both and it tore at my spark.

Rachet squeezed my shoulders yet again, somewhat harder than before, ''Prime, you have done nothing dishonest or deceitful to either of them, especially Elita. However, it will not matter what I say to you, you will only listen to one voice on that matter.'' Rachet once again offered a weak smile. ''And I feel she will be coming out of recharge about now and no doubt, looking for you.'' I felt myself tense slightly. Rachet released my shoulders and gestured to the exit to the Med Bay, indicating we should head outside. He began to walk, and I numbly followed. ''While you have done nothing to be guilty of Prime, you do owe her an explanation as she does to you. I must admit I am curious as to how she ended up here alive after all of this time.'' We reached the door and Rachet keyed it open.

I stood there for a moment, a wave of trepidation washing over me. I gave Rachet a brief nod and smiled quickly. ''You are right Rachet. We do indeed need to talk.'' I felt a small chuckle burst forth. ''You know, this is the first time I have ever contemplated staying in the Med Bay as opposed to leaving it!''

Rachet laughed out loud, the sound helped to put me at ease slightly and sent a wave of warmth to wrap about my spark. ''Quick! I need to take note of this momentous occasion. Optimus Prime actually wanting to stay in the Med Bay. I never thought I would live to see the day.'' His chassis continued to rise and fall as his laughter continued.

I sighed deeply and quickly grasped his shoulder, ''Thank you my friend. I needed to talk, and I appreciate your help with Phoenix. I have a feeling I may need to rely on you as my lifeline for a little while yet.''

Rachet placed his servo over mine and gave it a quick squeeze before releasing it, ''Anytime Prime. I am just glad you let me help.''

I smiled once more and gave his shoulder a final squeeze of thanks before heading towards the Autobot quarters and one of two femmes I desperately needed to talk to, get some answers from and seek forgiveness.

My heavy pede falls mirrored the pulsing of my spark as I slowly approached my awaiting past. /PLEASE Elita, forgive me for what I am about to say and do/.