Used to This
(Sunday Afternoon, August 18th)
"We all know I'm not best person, especially when it comes to relationships. It's hard for people to confront my behavior, because they believe they have no power. It's hard to stand up to a royal when you have no title. It's even harder when you've been titled a villain. It wasn't until the accidental stabbing of my father that Jay felt he could lay my actions out in front of me. On the Isle of the Lost, your status is determined by your power. Despite the things she went through, Mal was considered powerful. She was respected, and she had the means to survive there." Ben takes a deep breath. "But I took that away from her. I brought her to a place she couldn't fend for herself, convinced her everything she ever knew was wrong, and showed her the picture-perfect idea of what love could be." He settles. "But the way I loved her wasn't perfect. I told her she had to change if she wanted to live here, and she clung to me to survive. Now that she's on the verge of death, Jay wanted to punish me for hurting her so badly. It's my own actions that led to the hospitalization of my father. Jay was just trying to protect a vulnerable girl he sees as his sister, a girl who's only vulnerable because I made her so." Ben eyes from Snow White to camera. "I forgive him for his actions. I pardon him from this crime."
Ben nods to the camera, before he turns back to the news anchor. She continues in French, "How long did it take you to write that one?"
"I had help." His smile quickly fades.
She touches her earpiece. "We have some calls coming in. Would you like to answer a few?"
"Of course."
"Am I live?" a voice echoes from the speakers.
"Yes," Ben confirms.
"Can we do this in English?"
"Yes." Ben resists the urge to roll his eyes. "My apologies."
"You're putting a lot of blame on yourself for someone else's crime," the man states. "Am I correct to assume that would not be the case if you didn't know the person personally?"
Blame? Assume? Ben's frown deepens. "If I didn't know the person personally, they would not have a personal reason to attack me."
"People make things personal all the time," he counters.
"This didn't happen because of some law I passed." Ben explains, "If it weren't for me, my girlfriend wouldn't be dying right now. I believe that as much as Jay does. He doesn't need to be punished for trying to get some justice out of it."
"So, you think you should have left Mal on the Isle of the Lost?" the man examines.
"Maybe." Ben accepts, "Yes. The Isle of the Lost might have been born of crime, but anyone who's not welcome here would be welcome there. And she was happier there."
"Then why are you pardoning Jay?" he questions. "He would just get sent back, right?"
Ben wets his lips. "Even though it would be a miracle for Mal to recover at this point, I have to have faith she will. If she wants to go back to the Isle, then Jay will go with her. But even if she does love me… she's not going to stay if her family has to go back."
"I thought you were an atheist," he quietly comments. "How can you have faith?"
"I have faith in people," Ben says, "as stupid as that sounds. There are healers and people with special powers, and we do not know everything about Mal's body. There has to be someone or some thing out there that can help her." There's a long silence, and he asks, "Anything else you'd like to know?"
"How sick were you?"
"Pardon?"
Ben scoots to the edge of his seat, and the man answers, "You were in the hospital. It doesn't look like you've gained any weight." He was hospitalized. He was hospitalized for not eating. More specifically, his father hit him for not eating, and the bleed hospitalized him. "Your Highness?"
"Can we end the call?" he asks. Snow White makes a motion, and Ben takes in the silence. "If I say 'no comment' more people will want me to comment." He faces her. "I was in the hospital for an abdominal injury. I couldn't stomach anything two weeks prior to seeing the doctor, and during recovery I wasn't allowed to have solid foods; however, that man was right. I should have put on a few pounds by now. My weight's just not something I thought about."
"But now that it's been brought to your attention," Snow White asks, "will you be more focused on your health?"
He slowly shakes his head. "I don't know if I want to."
"Why not?"
He contemplates, "Because, well… I guess I've been trying to starve myself to death."
Her expression grows grim. "Do you know why?"
"Because it's the only way out?" He clasps his hands. "I know people must think I have it easy, but even if that were true… I think I'd still feel the same way."
"And what way is that?"
He meets her eyes. "More than anything, I wish I could just be someone else."
When Evie opens the door, she sees Jay. "Uh, no. I've had it with you. I'm not letting you do anything else to Ben."
"You might want to rethink that."
Ben walks over to the door. "Jay. I just pardoned you."
"And now I'm bored." He sighs. "Come on. We have to get him out of here."
"Why?" Evie crosses her arms. "What's going on?"
"Oh, nothing." He shrugs. "Just that his fuckup of an interview earned him a visit to the psych ward. There's people on the other side of the castle looking for him."
Ben's eyes lower. "That many people were worried?"
"You are a royal," Evie reminds him. "Isn't it normal for them to keep you from trying to kill yourself?"
"I didn't say I was going to kill myself," Ben argues.
"Just starve yourself to death."
Ben opens his mouth, and Jay interrupts, "Are you trying to get caught?"
Ben glances from him to Evie. "I'm not going to an eating hospital and being told to share my feelings about my parents."
Jay scans the hall before urging, "Now."
"Hide in the bathroom cupboard," Evie instructs.
"What?" Ben disbelieves. "I can't do that."
"You'll fit," she disagrees.
Ben pinches the bridge of his nose. "Okay."
He hurries into the bathroom, and Jay raises his voice, "You know what I think? I think you care more about Ben than Mal."
Evie gapes. "You know that's not true."
"He's the reason she's in the hospital. He admitted that in his interview," Jay enforces. "He's not innocent. Stop acting like it."
"Jay," Belle addresses with a forced smile. "Is everything okay?"
"She has to be hiding him," he accuses.
"He was already caught in my room once," Evie speaks out. "Why would he try hiding here again?"
"We're going to have to check, anyway," Belle bypasses.
Evie eyes between Belle and the man and woman next to her. "Fine." She steps aside, and they walk inside. The man checks under the bed, and the woman moves into the en suite. He checks the wardrobe, and the woman comes out of the bathroom.
"Anything?" she asks.
"No," he answers, before they head for the door. "Searching the palace is going to be a pain. He could be anywhere."
"Do you have any cameras?" the woman asks.
"No." Belle folds her hands in front of her. "I'm afraid not."
After they leave, Evie questions, "Do you really think I care about Ben more than Mal?"
Jay shrugs. "Do you?"
"No," she seriously says. "How can you say that?"
"You're not mad about what he did."
"Mal has hurt Ben just as many times as he's hurt her," she points out. "I shouldn't have to take a side."
"Mal's never put Ben in the hospital," Jay dismisses, and Evie silently looks away. "What's with you two? You act like he's the one you're dating."
"I mean." Evie giggles, rolling her eyes. "He is Mal's partner."
Jay eyes up-and-down the hair she twirls. "Stop it." He snatches her hand.
"Ow."
"He's not Mal's partner," Jay's voice raises. "You are. You're the one who's supposed to be supporting her. Why are you defending this—this beast?"
"That's uncalled for." She crosses her arms. "Since when does someone's species dictate who they are in their heart?"
"Since science." Jay glares. "Since when can't you answer a stupid question?"
"You're right." Her thin eyebrows raise. "It is stupid." He inches towards her, but she holds her ground. "You should be with Mal. You haven't even visited her, yet."
"You know," he flusters, "family used to mean something to you."
"Well, I know it means something to you." She nods up. "So, go see Mal."
"I'm more interested in what's here."
"She's going to die." He starts to speak, and she interrupts. "We're all thinking it. You should spend time with her, while there's still some time to have."
"I can think about what it was like for Mal to die after she dies." He says, "Seeing her helpless like that isn't going to help me."
"The doctors say she can hear you," Evie coaxes. "You can go tell her how you heroically tried to kill her boyfriend."
"I do have a couple things I'd like to get off my chest," Jay admits.
"Okay." Evie widens her eyes. "Do it." He nods, turns to leave, and she shuts the door before heading into the bathroom. She checks each cupboard, until she opens the closet and muffled noises come from behind the towels. She moves them out of the way, and Ben's crying. "Hey." She sits on the edge. "It's okay."
"Why are you defending me?" Ben sniffles.
"Because." She takes his hand. "I love you."
His eyes shift. "How can you love me? I don't even like me."
"I understand." She tries to smile. "But there's enough blame to go around. I could tell myself that I should have been there for her, but Mal was sick. This was bound to happen sooner or later. We couldn't be there for her all the time."
"We couldn't be there for her," Ben whispers, "because you were too busy taking care of me. After I… you should have checked on her instead of worrying about me."
"Mal knew what you were struggling with," Evie softly speaks. "I didn't think she would… I thought she was stronger than that."
"No. Because Jay's right: I broke her strength when I made her depend on me."
"Ben," she sadly says.
He pulls his hand from hers. "Close the door."
"What?"
"I want a minute alone, where it's dark." She continues to stare. "Just a minute. Please."
"Alright," she whispers, and the door shuts on his world.
After Ben puts on the sand brown wig, he adjusts it. In the mirror, the hair falls in waves over his shoulders. The bright green dress brings out the gold in his contacts. He takes a deep breath before turning towards Evie. "How do I look?"
Her mouth hangs open. "I'm almost hot for you."
"Really?" Ben smiles, before it falls. "What do you mean, 'almost'?"
She walks over to him. "Don't worry about it." She places her hands on his shoulders and smiles into the mirror. "You look beautiful." His expression slips, and she lets go before turning towards him. "What's wrong?"
He faces her. "It's just a little tight."
"A lot of girl clothes are tight," she informs. "At least I'm not making you wear a corset. But if you are going to date Chad, you might have to get used to the idea."
"I'm not worried about breathing." He keeps his eyes off her. "It's just, what if I, you know… get excited or whatever?"
"I looked into that." He faces her. "Some guys in like ballet and stuff wear shapewear to keep things in place. All we would have to do is get the right measurements."
"And it really works?" His eyes widen.
"If it works with tights, it will work for a dress or jeans." He eyes over her, and she laughs. "What is it?"
"You keep saying you love me," Ben examines. "What to you mean by that?"
"Oh. You know, it's just—" She glances down before meeting his honey eyes. "We've been through so much together. I couldn't imagine going back to a life without you in it."
"I feel the same way."
She grins. "Whatever happens to Mal, at least we'll still have each other."
Ben wets his lips. "Can we sit down for a minute?"
"Sure." She walks into the room, and they sit on the edge of the bed.
He turns towards her. "My lawyer told me that if I marry someone from the Isle, that you would have amnesty. You would have the right to stay here, whether the program works or not."
"You're asking me…" She shakes her head. "If Mal survives, it's going to be her choice to stay here with you or go to the Isle with me."
"I'm thinking about if Mal doesn't survive." He takes her hand. "I know you feel at home here, and I don't want to lose you too." He takes a deep breath. "After all of this blows over, would you be willing to marry me?"
"What about Chad and Beth?" she questions.
"I don't think it's going to last," he admits. "There's too much that could go wrong." Evie eyes down, and he continues, "We wouldn't have to do anything. We'd just be together—like we are now."
"If Mal doesn't survive…" She meets his eyes. "I can't think of anyone else I'd rather spend my life with."
He lifts her hand and slowly leans in to kiss her knuckle. "Was that okay?"
"Makes me feel like a princess." He smiles, and her jaw drops. "Oh. I got the voice spray ready if you want to try it."
"Yeah." He lets go of her hand. "I want to know if it works." She pulls the bedside table's drawer open and hands the small bottle to him. He sprays it into the back of his throat, clears it, and then asks, "How long—"
When he grins, Evie smiles. "Immediately."
He stands up and hurries over to the bathroom mirror. Evie follows him, and he stares at the reflection. "I am Beth Fleur."
"How does it feel?"
He anxiously smiles. "I could get used to this."
She side hugs him. "I promise not to get upset if you choose Chad over me."
His expression falters. "I don't know if Chad could ever love me like you do."
"But he's attracted to you. That's not something you're going to get from me."
"I don't care about sex," he declares.
"Ben." She half laughs. "Being uncomfortable with sex doesn't mean you don't like it."
"You're right." He considers, "Maybe if I was really a girl, things would be different."
"Ben."
"Beth," he corrects. "When I'm dressed like this, call me Beth."
She takes a moment. "I don't see a difference. You're you, no matter who you are."
"Then do it for me," she requests. "Ben sucks. I don't want to be him unless I have to be. Beth doesn't have parents. She doesn't have exes. She's never hurt anyone. This is the chance for me to have the life I never could've had as Ben."
"I can do it for you," she agrees, but Beth remains quiet. "Do you really think you'd have an easier time with sex if things were different?"
"I just hate the way my body reacts," she admits. "It feels good, but it feels really wrong at the same time."
After Beth takes a deep breath, Evie rubs her arm. "Hey. It's okay."
"You know." She breathes. "When Ben was little, he stole his mother's makeup. He was held under water. He choked on the water until it got washed off… I never got the chance to learn how to use it."
"Don't worry." Evie looks at her in the mirror. "I can help you."
- Posted: 10/28/2020
- I spent the last month and a half writing a novel. It's a little jarring going back to third person. Sorry for any POV mistakes, but I hope I caught them all.
