Chapter 97: What happens in Mistral, stays in Mistral
-o-
I felt blessed.
"Open the mouth."
This feeling of happiness that I hardly remembered.
"Now you open that little mouth."
I was in heaven.
"You two stop."
"Waaa?" we both said with chocolates in our mouths, glaring at Yang, who had just ruined our moment of love.
"I know you're feeling like a second honeymoon, but go elsewhere if you're going to be this lovedovey."
"You're right, sister." My girl turned at me, giving me a teasing look, "How about we go somewhere more private? Maybe Yang's bed."
"What if we stain it with chocolate?"
"We can stain it with something else so it won't show."
"I already forgot how unbearable you guys get when you're together."
"Separated, we are unbearable. Together we are a pain in the butt."
"Hell yeah," Ruby agreed, giving me a high-five.
Before the blonde could respond, the front door opened and Jaune walked in alongside Weiss, Blake and Qrow. All of them were carrying the groceries.
"Good news, everyone," Jaune announced cheerfully.
"What is it, Professor Farnsworth?" I joked.
"What? Now we go for futurama?" Ruby raised an eyebrow at me. "What would we be?"
"Obviously I would be Fry and you'd be my Leela."
"Awwww."
"Qrow could be Bender."
"That's... not really unaccurate," the huntsman replied, unzipping his flask.
"Blake would be Amy."
"Meh, it could be worse."
"And who would I be?" Weiss asked.
We all looked at each other in a quiet discussion and came to a mutual agreement, "Zoidberg."
"Well, do you want the news or not?" Weiss grunted. "Blake won two boxes of super fine candies."
"Seriously? How?" Yang asked, curious.
"Apparently there was a promotion in the market that for every purchase amount, you had a chance to spin a wheel," Blake replied, somewhat embarrassed by so much attention. "We had a ticket and I tried my luck."
"Did someone say candies?" Nora materialized into the living room, who knows where she came from.
The redhead was already about to pounce on the packages when we suddenly felt a murderous aura so strong it could have overpowered a Grimm. Kali looked at us from the kitchen door with a ladle in hand.
"I hope you guys don't ruin your appetite when dinner is almost ready."
The words were not a problem but the words and the look on the woman who basically told us "You better eat what I cooked or I put the ladle up to where the sunglight never reaches". I quickly hid the chocolates Ruby and I had been sharing.
"Yes, ma'am," we all responded, seized with the fear that this woman had instilled in us.
"Fine, dinner is ready in a few minutes," Kali announced with a kind smile and returned to the kitchen. "Prepare the table."
Everyone was quiet until Yang spoke, "Blake, your mom is scary sometimes."
"You have no idea. She beat up a White Fang soldier with a tray a few months ago in Menagerie."
It was hard to see that sweet woman doing such a thing. Still, I would do my best not to make her angry.
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Dinner passed without incident with everyone finishing their dishes and their stomachs satisfied from the good food. The difficult thing remained: washing the dishes. Worst? It was my turn.
I followed my usual routine: first the glasses, plates, cutlery, and, lastly, the pots. The good thing is, for those arduous tasks, I would play my music and the task would become more bearable.
I was already finishing with the last saucepan when Oscar entered the kitchen and I was alarmed to see him somewhat scared.
"Oscar, what is it?"
"Apparently sweets weren't just that."
"What do you mean?"
"You better see for yourself."
I dried my hands and hurried into the living room. What I saw was something really unnerving. Where should I start? First of all, Blake was lying like a cat on Yang's lap, who didn't seem to mind that as she sang the song SpongeBob out of tune. Nora was holding onto Ren, who seemed to be on the edge of her affections with his face completely flushed. Jaune was in four on the floor, crawling awkwardly as Weiss mounted him like a horse. Kali was just sitting on the couch while she ate something with her body swaying.
"What the hell is going on?"
"I don't know. I just went to the bathroom while they were eating the candy and they were already like that when I came back."
"I think they are more than sweet," Qrow said, packaging in hand. "For something they are considered very fine. They are made with alcohol. With several types of drinks to be exact: whiskey, vodka, carajillo."
"What? There should be a warning about it."
"Actually it does, but those idiots in the market put the 'Prize' tag on it. But I have to admit they're good."
"How come that doesn't affect you?" Oscar wondered.
"Do you already know Qrow?" I replied. "Wait. Where's Ruby?"
"I found them!" my girlfriend appeared in a whirlwind of roses, in each hand with a bottle. Her face was totally red as the others. "The secret reserve of Qrow!"
Qrow's face paled at the sight of his niece. He must have gotten sober from it, "Ruby, put that down. It's too strong for you."
"You are not my boss!" she objected, opening one of her bottles and taking a big swig. "Here, Mrs. B."
"I don't know if I should, but what the heck," Kali accepted the drink and drank it. Her face was redder.
Like dominoes, the bottles were passed between the presents and her attitudes became crazier. Jaune was beginning to gallop through the house with Weiss slapping his butt. Nora had just got Ren unconscious after knocking him out of the air with a hug. Yang had undressed in her underwear singing 'I want to break free' and Blake was doing choreography to her as if she were her idol.
If one were to look up the definition of 'disaster' in the dictionary, one could find a detailed portrait of that very moment. More and more bottles appeared from Qrow's stash to the point of making me wonder where the hell he kept them. I chased Ruby around the house in a vain attempt to catch her, but she was faster with her face being faster than mine. Oscar had been seized by Yang and was forced to sing with her. And Qrow... well, he gave up and started pouring himself a glass.
Believing things couldn't get worse, the front door opened.
"Kali, we are here!" Ghira had just arrived with Illia on the usual dinner visit with us. His eyes widened as he saw the chaos that reigned, "By the gods. What's going on here?"
Kali jumped to her feet (and stumbling to keep from facing the ground) and staggered over to her husband to give him a hug, "You're here, my big-cock husband."
In the short time it took to meet the faunus, I had never seen him make the face of shock and shame that he did at that moment, "For heaven's sake, Kali, are you drunk?"
"Just a little bit."
"What's going on?" Illia asked, alarmed by all the scandal.
"In short, they won a box of alcoholic candy but they didn't know they were that type and now they are all the way you see them," I did my best to summarize the situation while I was looking for Ruby.
"Well, as long as we keep everyone in sight, we can handle it," Ghira indicated, taking charge of the matter.
"We just have to find Ruby."
"Oh here I am," I heard her say from behind me before she leaped on me, her arms hugging my neck as she held a bottle. "Open your mouth wide."
Before I could react, Ruby shoved the bottle into my mouth and tipped it, making me swallow the burning liquid.
After that, I don't remember anything.
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The first thing I saw was the morning sun through the treetops. Its light passed through the leaves in a soft natural dance that would be truly beautiful if I didn't feel my head hammering from within.
My first instinct was to vomit, which I did in the nearest bush. Once I got out everything that should have been my dinner, I was able to focus on my surroundings. Several bushes surrounded me with several leafy trees above. It had to be a park or wooded area in the kingdom, since you could hear the murmur of people nearby. I peeked out of one of the bushes and a busy avenue was a few feet from me, so I must still be in the kingdom. I could have cleaned myself up nicely and joined them, but there was one insignificant detail: I was naked. I was not wearing anything. Not a single garment. Just in my birthday suit.
"Over here, officer," a woman's voice approached with several footsteps heard on the grass. "Around here I saw the naked boy."
Apparently fear was a good remedy for a hangover, as it put me on alert and quickly climbed one of the trees. A woman and a guard arrived at my resting place.
"I saw him here," she pointed to the spot where I had woken up. "He had dark hair and a rose tattoo on his butt."
"He's probably still around. I'll make an alert in case he's around."
I hid in the trees until they left. I started to think about the last thing that happened. Ruby deepthroat me with that bottle and then everything is blank. The best thing I could do is go home, but the problem was how I would do it. I couldn't just leave like that, like a real exhibitionist. I would have to put on some clothes first.
Going from tree to tree, I reached what must have been the edge that faced the street. Luckily, there was a backyard fence nearby, and on one of the ropes I hung some clothes that I hoped would fit me well; enough so that I didn't drop them halfway. I didn't want to stand out too much, so I used my semblance to send a dark tendril and grabbed a mustard-colored T-shirt and shorts. There was nothing for the feet in sight, so I improvised using my face to make some makeshift sandals. Maybe it was a good way to exercise my dark control a bit. Once everything was in order, I joined the crowd and headed for the house. Nobody seemed to notice me, and that was good. From my outfit, anyone who saw me would say that I'm just a guy on his day off with a wakeful face. I cursed myself that I had not seen if there was a hat on the clothesline to protect me from the sun that blinded me with its morning light.
My mind was reviewing the last moments of consciousness, but everything was covered with a static that did not leave me a clear image of what happened. I assumed that everyone must be in the same way if they also had a drink.
I don't know how I did it, but I got home shortly before noon. Since I had no idea where my clothes were with my keys, wallet and scroll, I knocked on the door and waited. Oscar opened it and made a face when he saw me as if I was covered in excrement.
"It's good that you're here. Everyone is looking for you. Well, the ones that are in conditions."
I wanted to know what he meant, but I was tired, my head hurt, my throat was dry, and my mouth tasted like vomit, so I walked in and was faced with another puzzling panorama. Jaune, Nora, Ruby, Yang, Weiss and Kali were in the room with the same face as me while slowly sipping coffee. They all looked like shit.
"And there he is," Weiss said weakly.
"You're alive," Jaune cheered.
"And where were you?" Oscar asked me, pouring me a cup and placing a cushion for me to sit on. "The last I saw of you was you taking your clothes off before disappearing."
"I really don't know," I sipped the dark liquid, which brought me back to life a bit. "I just woke up in a park between som bushes and had to grab these clothes so they wouldn't arrest me as an exhibitionist."
"Good time you arrived. You missed my dad's lecture on alcohol," Blake complained.
"It's my fault. I got those bottles out of my uncle's stash," Ruby commented embarrassed.
"The good side is that this time there was no marriage proposal," Nora joked.
"Wait. What?" Kali asked.
"Long story, Mom."
Then I realized something: Illia also had red eyes and an expression of having had a shitty morning like all of us. Like everyone, she had a blanket covering her and slowly sipping her cup of coffee.
"You too?" I asked her.
"Blake and Yang pushed me for a shot."
"We're sorry," the blonde and the cat girl apologized at the same time.
"It's fine. The good thing is, my first binge was with friends."
"Why don't we turn on the TV and get a little distracted," Weiss proposed, taking the remote control and turning it on. The first thing we saw was the news.
"And we can say that the rebuilding of Haven Academy is on the right track and will resume as soon as possible," the newscaster seemed to finish an article about the academy. "In other news, what everyone is talking about this day. The night before there were several sightings of an anonymous vigilante who has cleaned the lower levels of criminal operations and robbers. Most curious of all: he was a naked vigilante. Here we have an amateur recording."
The recording began in what must be an alley where there was what must be a gang of thugs facing someone. The solitary figure had its face covered with what must be a black cloth that covered most of its face except for its eyes. The rest of the body was naked with pixelated noble parts.
"Do you know who we are, pervert?"
"A bunch of *beep*" said the figure, slurring. "Are you afraid of the dark? Because you guys are messing with my dark *beep*."
What followed next was a fight scene that was quickly cut by the newscast production.
"Until now the authorities do not know the identity of the vigilante, but what is known is that he prevented several assault attempts and even a group of illicit substance trafficking. Wherever you are, we salute you, naked vigilante."
I could notice everyone's gaze fixed on me. The voice was a little hoarse, but everyone knew who that person was.
With a long sip I finished my coffee and stood up, "If you excuse me, I'll drown myself in the bathtub."
I walked as fast as I could out of the room feeling my face drop in shame, since everyone, besides Ruby, had seen me naked.
I know I had said it before, but I was never going to drink again.
