Chapter 97 – Since you've been Gone
Phoenix P.O.V
Two years.
For two long, lonely years I have been in self enforced exile on my isolated Wrangel island off the coast of Northern Siberia.
Some days it felt as though I had just left, just awoken from my nightmare of her coming back to steal him, and the pain is so raw, so all-consuming I can barely function. Other days, like today, the pain is there, like a wet blanket encircling my spark and weighing me down, but it is manageable.
In an incredibly ironic twist of fate, I am using the advice given to me by him when explaining how he was able to deal with her apparent loss many years ago. I am taking each minute as it comes, then each hour, each day and each week until I reach the point, I am almost able to make it through the day without the pain consuming me.
Today had been one of those days.
I had just returned from an energon expedition. I had become rather adept at sourcing and procuring energon on my own and had gathered a small stockpile. During the past two years I had explored my little island home extensively. It was indeed my home now as Rachet had informed me, not long after I had replied to his first transmission to assuring him I was okay, that the Autobots had been asked to leave Diego Garcia. My spark had lurched in its casing and another great wave of sadness had descended upon me. Everything was changing and nothing for the better.
While I had hoped to find solitude in a place devoid of human life, even here there was a very small human presence here. Four rangers lived here year-round and a small group of scientists that came in the Summer months. I couldn't help but think humans really were some sort of a plague on this planet. Nowhere seemed to be safe from their influence or presence.
The human rangers had seen me one evening when I had been scouting along Krasin Bay looking for new energon sources closer to home than Kamchatka Penninsula. I had assured them I was no threat. Living this far north and in remote wilderness they had never heard of Transformers, so it took me some time to convince them I would not harm them and that I intended to keep to myself.
After a few weeks we had come to an understanding. I would not interfere with or harm them and they would leave me alone provided I did not do anything to damage the island or its wildlife population. I had moved about the island relocating to the mountainous area further inland for a time, but I always seemed to come back to Cape Waring – where I had first landed. There was something about the sheer cliffs and how they defiantly rose above the crashing power of the ocean, determined to stand tall no matter what was thrown at them. I drew quite comfort from this thought. I too would do my best to stand strong against whatever battering came my way. Though this proved easier to say than do on numerous occasions.
There were days and moments when it almost became too much for me. The pain and spark ache at the thought of him and her together. The thought that I would never again get to be held in his arms or hear his voice say my name, the thought that I no longer held a special place in his spark. It tortured me. So many times, I stood on the edge of the cliff, torn between plunging into the grey, wrinkling waters below, sinking further down into the depths until I was entombed in a watery grave.
But something always stopped me.
The very same spark that haunted me, wounded me and threatened to tear me apart also soothed me, encouraged me and challenged me to hold on. My undoing was also the one thing that kept building me back up. My spark was in constant conflict with itself. It wanted nothing more than to be wrapped in his love again, to reach out and join with his spark and simply be near him. It also wanted to close itself off from him, protect itself from the pain he had caused and barricade itself from ever feeling his touch or love again. Surely, that would hurt less?
I was stuck in a vicious cycle with no end in sight.
It was in moments like this that I had silently recited to myself the very reasoning which drove me away in the first place; ''if you love something set it free. If it comes back to you it was and always will be yours. If not, then it was never yours in the first place.'' It had been two years and he had not even tried to contact me. While I had not expected him to try and follow me, he was Prime after all and I knew well of his duties, I had thought perhaps he may at least try and contact me himself rather than leave the task to Rachet or Ironhide. I thought that I was important to him, that he cared for me deeply maybe even loved me.
''He never told you he loved you, did he? You told him but he never replied. Perhaps he never did love you Phoenix. Perhaps he was simply waiting for the day she would return, and you were a ''distraction'' for him.'' The sound of my own bitter and angry voice sliced through the crisp air like a verbal blade slicing at my spark.
I brought my servos to my helm and clasped them about my forehead, trying to shut the poisonous thoughts out. ''NO! Stop it! Do not think that way.'' Despite my own attempts to keep a grasp on sanity and prevent myself from slipping further down that dark hole, the thought that he had never actually told me he loved me lingered at the back of my processor like some festering wound desperate to be picked at and torn open.
I shook my helm violently to rid myself of the toxic thoughts and I stood to my pedes. I ex-vented deeply. Nothing good would come of pursuing that train of thought. I had to distract myself. /Perhaps going for a fly around my island or over to neighbouring Herald Island might help me centre myself?/.
With that the sound of my comms unit went off causing me to start slightly at the unexpected intrusion. For a moment, my spark stilled at the thought perhaps he was finally trying to contact me.
''Hello? Phoenix?'' A familiar and dear voice crackled over the static.
While I confess there was some disappointment the voice I heard was not of a deep baritone register, I was also overjoyed to be hearing from my friend. ''Hey Rachet! Long-time no hear! How are you?'' Thankfully we had managed to improve our communications, so it wasn't so patchy.
''Oh, you know me, cranky and irritable as usual Phoenix,'' he replied good humouredly.
''Well, I won't argue there mate,'' I couldn't help but tease the crotchety medic. How I missed him.
''I can't talk for long I just. I just..'' My spark went out to my dear friend as he struggled to put into words what he was feeling though I knew, I felt it too.
''Me too Rachet, me too. I miss you too,'' I offered.
Rachet, seeming to have regained his composure continued, ''Thanks Phoenix. I also have some news which I thought might be important for you to be aware of.''
There was a moment of silence as I weighed up my desire to know and my desire to remain ignorant of any situation back there, especially any concerning a certain femme and our Autobot Commander. Another spark beat later I allowed soft, yet firm words travel through my comms, ''Tell me what you know.''
''It isn't the best of news I am afraid,'' Rachet sounded concerned and morose.
My spark constricted painfully in my chassis as his words sank in. /Oh Primus it's happened! Prime and Elita have reinstated their bond and they are together again/. despite the terrifying thought I managed to ask, ''When has there been good news?''
''True,'' he agreed. ''Phoenix I am not sure if you have noticed anything up in your remote area but there have been more and more attacks on Transformers on the mainland here. Now it seems Autobots are among the targets.''
''WHAT? I thought you were given immunity and asylum following your aid in the battle of Chicago. That makes no sense,'' I was confused, and a small knot of worry began to form in the pit of my tanks.
''I know. I am trying to work it out myself, but it would seem, the very organisation that replaced NEST and was tasked with exterminating Decepticons is now fixated on eradicating us too. I have no proof of this connection yet save for a gnawing feeling in the pit of my tanks.'' Rachet sounded very concerned indeed.
''Well Rachet, that is reason enough for you to be cautious and on high alert. How, how is everyone?'' Although I tried to word it in a certain way, I knew Rachet would take my meaning.
There was a small chuckle on the other end of the comm line, ''Well Phoenix nearly everyone is okay. At least I think they are. That's the problem. We have lost contact with Jazz, Sideswipe, Dino, Roadbuster and Topspin. We have heard nothing from Leadfoot in over 10 days and fear the worst. Bumblebee returned from his latest recon mission today and informed us that the situation looked grim for Leadfoot and that the others were last seen down Mexico City way.'' There was a slight pause as Rachet obviously considered what to say next.
'Rachet, what are you not telling me?'' I challenged him.
Another small chuckle, though it was tinged with sadness, ''You know me too well Phoenix. Some of the team have travelled down there to try and meet up with them and bring them back to us safely. With everything going on at the moment it is a risky move. Still, I am sure they will be fine.''
I closed my optics. I knew who it was who had travelled down there to try and rescue their lost flock. I also knew who would have had to accompany him, still I had to ask. ''Who went Rachet? Tell me.''
A moment of silence. ''Prime and Elita. They left a few joors ago. They went alone.'' Another moment of silence. ''I'm sorry Phoenix. I didn't want to tell you that.''
I cycled air deeply through my intakes and shook my helm as I spoke, ''It's okay Rachet. It's as it should be.'' /NO IT'S NOT!/ I mentally screamed to myself. ''I won't lie to you, it hurts hearing that, knowing they are together, BUT, it is to be expected. That is why I left. To give them the chance to reconnect and pick up from where they left off. Obviously, he has finally done that.'' I could not refrain from allowing the pain to taint my words even as I tried to sound positive.
Rachet made a growl down the line, ''Bullshit Phoenix!''
''Bullshit he has moved on or bullshit it is as it should be?'' I couldn't help my sarcasm from raising its ugly head.
''Both!'' my friend yelled down the line. ''Anyone with half a processor can see, could see, that you and Prime belonged together. I witnessed both relationships and I tell you now, you and Prime together just worked. I never saw him so happy as when he was with you. He even told me,'' Rachet paused in his explanation.
''Told you what Rachet? What did he say to you?'' I had to know. I felt the nervous anticipation build within me.
A sigh of frustration came through, ''I can't say exactly what he said to me the day after you left Phoenix. That is for Prime to tell you himself but rest assured that you mean more to him than anyone else does or ever did. The mech that came and saw me that day, that has spoken with me on and off since, cares so deeply for you still. I cannot and will not believe that he has moved on with Elita. Just as I do not accept the fact that you can simply ''turn off'' your feelings for him, say it is as it should be and stay away forever.'' Rachet sounded almost irritated by the end of his rant. ''He needs you just as much if not more than you need him Phoenix. Maybe now more than ever.''
I did not want to fight with my friend, he was my only lifeline in a sea of sorrow, and while a small ray of light pierced the almost constant darkness that consumed my spark, I could not help arguing the point. ''Rachet, if he cares for me so deeply as you say he does, then why the slagging hell hasn't HE tried to contact me!'' I could hear the anger seeping through into my words.
''Would you want him to? What would you do if he did? Would you even let him speak to you or would you cut him off before he had a chance to talk, just like you did that day on the beach?'' Rachet spat the questions back at me.
Thankfully, he was not standing in front of me to witness my dermas moving, trying to form some sort of reply. Only nonsensical sounds managed to come out for a moment. ''I… I…''
''You'd what Phoenix?'' Rachet taunted, defiance in his tone.
''I DON'T KNOW!'' I screamed down the comm line. My body shook with anger, frustration and shame. ''I don't know what I'd do Rachet. I want SO desperately to hear his voice, to see him but at the same time I don't want to hear it or see him. I don't have the strength... I couldn't... I can't,'' I felt my shoulders slump and I began to sink to the ground with the weight of my emotions. /So much for distracting myself with thoughts of him/.
There was a gentle sigh on the other end of the line. ''I know Phoenix. But do not make the mistake in thinking you are the only one who fights this battle. If it will help in some small measure, Prime fights the same battle as you. He has wanted to contact you SO many times. For the first few conversations that is all we would talk about, should or should he not contact you himself. In the end he comes to the same conclusion. As much as it pains him, he will honour your wishes to be alone and refrain from contacting you – for now. I do not know how long he will maintain that resolve but can you at least TRY to speak to him if he should ever gain the courage to contact you? You owe him the chance to explain HIS side and at the very least, the chance to say goodbye to you Phoenix. Though should it come to that, I would hope you would have the decency to do it to his face.''
I squeezed my optics closed so tightly I thought they might shatter in their casing. I wrapped my arms about my chest and rocked myself slowly. I felt my chest rise and fall with silent sobs as I poured my spark ache out to him, ''Rachet! I am SO sorry. I am so alone. It hurts so much.''
''Then come home to us! It doesn't have to be this way Phoenix. You don't have to be on your own so far away from us all. You are our family too; we need you too!'' the medic's voice become gruff with emotion.
I gave a small laugh, ''I know. I miss you all so much.'' I stilled my rocking and cycled air through my intake valves deeply and slowly. /Breathe, just ''breathe'' Phoenix/. ''However, until he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that he and Elita no longer have what they had between them. Until he knows for sure that they have drifted apart and that he loves ME and only me, I cannot, and I WILL NOT come between them. I love him too much Rachet and I would never forgive myself if I ruined his chance for happiness.''
''And what if YOU are his chance for happiness Phoenix?'' Rachet argued.
I gave a sigh. ''He has to come to that realisation on his own Rachet.'' I gave another small, wistful laugh. ''If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you it was and always will be yours. If it doesn't – then it was never yours to love in the first place.''
Rachet gave an indignant snort, "And what if pride and an overly developed sense of ''doing the right thing'' stops it or them from returning to you?''
I gave a genuine laugh at my friend's comment, ''Then a subtle kick in the aft and a shove in my general direction would be greatly appreciated my friend.''
There was a loud and frustrated sigh on the other end of the line. ''I gotta go Phoenix. Please, stay safe and promise me you'll think about what I said.''
I nodded despite the fact he could not see me, ''I understand Rachet. I will, on both counts. And, if you ever need me. If things start to take a turn for the worst, just let me know and I'll be there in a spark beat.''
I could hear his smile down the line, ''I'll hold you to that Phoenix. Rachet out.''
For a moment I sat there on the cold ground, alone with my thoughts and the fading warmth of the connection I briefly had with my friend. I was now more conflicted than I was before. I had believed he did not care for me anymore, that he didn't love me and that was why he had not tried to contact me, he had moved on like I had given him the chance to do. Now, it would seem from what Rachet had divulged, that he did still care for me. More than he ever has for anyone else. /Perhaps that included her?/.
A very small beacon of hope was ignited deep within my spark as I allowed Rachet's words to sink into me. If what Rachet said was true, then perhaps it was only a matter of time before he contacted me or even came looking for me. I felt my spark pulse speed up at the thought. A warmth flooded my systems, and I felt a weight begin to slowly lift off of my shoulders as I made a decision. If he did try and contact me, I would listen. I would drink his voice in as though I were dying of thirst.
Somewhere deep inside of me, I hoped he would contact me. I had seemingly given up on hope and now that I had found it, or it had found me again – I didn't want to let it go. I couldn't. Next to love, hope is what helps us have faith that tomorrow will be worth waiting for.
I would patiently wait – in hope - for my tomorrow to arrive.
