Chapter 99 – Truth and Consequences – Part 2
Prime P.O.V
Elita did not even look at me or acknowledge my reaction to her revelation. She seemed ''disconnected'' from this moment in time. As though viewing it from afar. She continued in that deadpan voice, ''Elita One. The Autobot femme Commander, Optimus Prime's partner, was quite the prize.'' Her optics were dim, her face emotionless. ''I was beaten, tortured, starved…. and used.'' I closed my optics for a moment and fought the urge to empty my tanks at the implication of that word. I felt sick to my spark. She slowly raised her optics to meet my own. ''They tried to break me to get to you.''
I strode over to her and knelt before her, wrapping her within my arms protectively. I pulled her towards my chest tightly. One servo went to gently hold and caress the back of her helm and the other rubbed her back struts in a comforting way. I lowered my helm and placed a chaste kiss upon the top of hers. ''Oh Elita! Forgive me please. I am so sorry I was not there to protect you. I have failed you in every way. Primus but I am sorry.''
Elita gave a weak laugh, ''I'm not. You would have been killed. That I could not endure.'' I held her tighter to my chest. All she had been through and still her concern was for me! /You do NOT deserve either of these femmes/, the bitter thought washed over my spark, thundered through my processor, and settled in every fibre of my being. I felt my great shoulders slump with utter regret and sadness at the pain I had caused those I had claimed to love.
Elita continued to lean into me though she remined silent. I continued, ''I am so sorry I did not come back. I am so sorry… for everything. Please, forgive me.'' I held her, gently rocking her as you would a sparkling trying to soothe her. Elita burrowed deeper against my chest. I could feel and hear the quiet sobs as she allowed herself to release some of her pain and sorrow. I do not know how long we stayed like that. I did not care. In this moment of healing, there was just her and I.
After a while Elita started to speak again, her voice stronger now. ''While I was held prisoner, I heard some of the guards speaking. They must have thought I was unconscious. Word had been received that Megatron and the Allspark had been found on a planet in this Solar System. A planet called Earth. While they did not mention your name, I had a feeling you might already be there or nearby. The news gave me hope that maybe you were still alive and that maybe you might be able to retrieve the cube and return to Cybertron.''
I continued to hold her close and kissed her helm gently once more. ''How did you escape Elita? It's okay if you don't feel able to tell me at the moment, I understand.'' I wanted to know but I did not want to cause anymore pain to this beautiful femme in my arms.
Elita sighed out loud. ''My.. my femmes and Ultra Magnus. They led a desperate rescue mission to save me. The fight was vicious, and I was eventually freed. But at a cost.'' Elita's voice faltered as she was overcome with emotion, ''Magnus was badly injured and…'' Great sobs wracked her delicate frame, and she brought her servo up to clutch at her spark as she spat the words out. ''Firestar was lost.'' I simply held her and tried to soothe the pain away. My spark broke for her. I knew well the pain and crushing sense of responsibility you feel when someone under your command loses their life. They were more than just soldiers they were friends – family. There were no words I could say to her that would take away that pain. I simply sat with her and shared it.
After a moment Elita cycled air through her intakes deeply several times, trying to get herself under control. With a final sigh she continued talking, ''As we were all fleeing from Shockwave and his troops, I managed to relay to the others what I had heard about the Allspark and Earth. Cybertron was all but dead we were outnumbered. It was decided some of us should start a third wave of evacuation, abandon the planet and go in search of you and the Allspark and maybe, maybe we might all be able to come home and rebuild.'' Her whole frame heaved as she sighed once more. ''Arcee, Sideswipe, Sunstreeker, Jolt, Que, those silly twins Mudflap and Skids and the Wreckers left in the second wave to try and find you and,'' she gave a soft smile, ''I'm glad they did, well most of them anyway.''
The yellow twin of Sideswipe, Sunstreeker, had yet to show on Earth and while I did hold some concerns for his well-being, I knew the smart talking, seemingly narcissistic brawler was more than capable of handling himself. It was only a matter of time before Sideswipe's twin arrived. /And how much fun that will be!/.
Elita paused for a moment as she reflected on her own words. A tortured look descended on her faceplates. ''At least some of them were reunited with you. If only for a short while. Oh, those silly twins!''
In the two years since Elita had arrived she had learned of the Twin's demise as well as that of Jolt and Que and Sentinel's betrayal and was naturally was upset at their loss. I had also told her of my battle with The Fallen and Megatron and my subsequent death and revival. I had somehow managed to leave Phoenix out of the retelling. I felt my spark constrict tightly in my chest. After all Elita had gone through, after what she had sacrificed for me for us, could I really tell her about Phoenix? Could I really tell her my spark belonged to another?
I fought the urge to ex-vent in frustration. My spark was torn. However, this moment was not about me. It would seem I had been selfish enough. This moment was about her and I spoke to reassure her. ''Elita, they fought bravely helping defend this planet. While it does not lessen the pain we feel, we can take comfort in knowing they rest peacefully in the Well of Sparks and we will one day be reunited with them.''
Elita nodded in acceptance before she glanced up at me, a thought written in her optics. ''I am surprised Arcee didn't mention to you that I still – functioned?''
I felt myself once again flinch at the implication of that word before I nodded my understanding at her confusion. ''I confess I did not ask Arcee about you as I had assumed...'' I trailed off not wanting to voice the words. ''Arcee had clearly left a few millennia ago and during that time, was none the wiser of your well-being. When she last saw you, by your own accounts, the fighting on Cybertron was indeed fierce. She, like all of us, sadly assumed… the worst.'' I pulled Elita close to me for a moment.
Elita sighed once more and nodded her agreement before continuing. '' The third wave included Hound, Drift, Dino, and a few others. They left about ten stellar cycles ago.'' She gave a small smile, ''Thank Primus they found their way here to you safely and were reunited with you.''
I felt her clutch at me tightly, as if scared I might suddenly disappear along with those we had lost before she ex-vented deeply and sat up against me. Smiling briefly at me as she picked up her narrative of how she came to be here. ''After I was rescued, Magnus and I were taken to Alpha Trion to heal and be repaired. During the following orbital cycle Magnus suggested he stay behind with some of his soldiers to ensure the Autobots remained a presence on our home world. Chromia and Moonracer also volunteered to stay behind to ensure an Autobot femme presence remain. After what happened to Firestar, I wanted to stay with them to make sure they were safe and so I stayed for another three stellar cycles.''
Elita gave a fond smile, ''During this time Magnus, Chromia and Moonracer would often suggest I follow Arcee and the others and head for Earth to try and find you and help you to secure the Allspark and,'' she paused for a moment before continuing as if weighing her words carefully, ''try and encourage you to return to our dying planet and help restore hope to our people. Not long afterwards I did leave. Though I encountered a few - difficulties in acquiring an escape pod, I managed to ''talk'' those Decepticons out of delaying my departure.'' She smiled briefly. ''Though the injuries I received in that brief skirmish ensure I arrived here in the state I did.''
Whilst I nodded my helm in understanding at how she came to be here, my processor flashed back to the words she said about encouraging me to return and bring hope to our people. I shuttered my optics rapidly and removed my arms from around her shoulders, sitting up rigidly as though I had just been slapped in the face. I felt a spike of anger and frustration in equal measure course through me. I rose to my pedes and took a few steps away from her, my voice, a low bitter and defeated whisper, ''What would you have me do Elita? The Allspark is no more. The Decepticons threaten to bring the same destruction and death to this innocent planet as they did to ours. Would you have me abandon Earth and all of its inhabitants to the whims of the Decepticons to try and revive a dying planet without a source capable of doing so?''
My voice took on an angrier, vitriolic tone, mainly directed at myself. ''I do not even know what hope, if any, I CAN bring to anyone anymore when I myself am finding it difficult to cling to myself!''
Elita gave a small gasp of shock at my words and slowly hung her helm. She was unable to look at me. I could not tell if she felt ashamed of making her earlier request of trying to steal me back to Cybertron, or if she was ashamed of my admission. I ex-vented my frustrations into the night air, ''Lately Elita, with all that has happened to me, and now to you, to our race, I confess I am beginning to feel that hope is an elusive aspiration that taunts, teases and mocks us with its promises of a better tomorrow. A tomorrow that seemingly never comes.''
I began to pace back and forth again like a wild animal. ''No matter what we do, or how hard we try, or the sacrifices we make. I mean look at what happened to YOU for Primus sake!'' Elita flinched. ''It never comes!'' I felt a sense of shame wash over me as the words left my dermas. /Do you REALLY believe this? Or are you just angry and bitter at the situation you find yourself in? You are a Prime. This is certainly not the words or beliefs of someone worthy of holding that title/. I was glad Phoenix was not here to see me like this. Then again, she is a big part of the reason I feel this way.
I turned away from Elita, my optics darting about the small clearing and finally coming to rest on the fast-flowing waters. 'I am no longer the mech you once knew. 'Perhaps I am no longer worthy of being the leader of the Autobots.'' My deep voice had dropped to a plaintive whisper.
A blur of pink and white appeared before me as Elita rounded on me, her voice was resolute and tinged with anger, ''Don't you dare say that Optimus! You have been and are the worthiest leader of the Autobots we have ever had. You have led with courage and honour always setting the highest example for your followers and for yourself. Your compassion and sense of justice is immense, you are selfless to a fault and your love and loyalty for your Autobots, for our cause knows no bounds.'' While the fire still burned in her optics, her voice softened. ''You may have faced difficulties and challenges Optimus, you always will, but you were made to walk in the light and lead all of those who would follow you along its path. Do not let a moment of self-doubt, a moment of sorrow and pain cloud you in darkness. You have always had hope.''
She reached out a tentative servo and placed it on my arm. I felt a warmth wash over me at her touch. It was like an absolution. ''You have instilled it and inspired it in all those who follow you, whether you believe it or not. And while you may think otherwise at the moment, I know you will continue to have hope and it will continue to guide you.'' I closed my optics as I let her words sink into me, into my spark. /I HAD missed her, so very much/. I felt my servo twitch by my side. A part of me wanted to reach and touch her. Hold her to me as I once did.
She gave a small sigh and a sad smile played at the corners of her dermas, ''While there are some things about you that have changed, of that I have no doubt,'' Elita gestured with her servos between us, ''WE have changed, you will always at your core, in your spark, be the same mech you always were Optimus Prime. Nothing will ever change that.''
Elita withdrew her servo and I felt bereft of the contact. She folded her arms over her chest and gave a self-depreciating snort, ''You think you are unworthy of being a leader? I do not even know the fate of my fellow femmes back on Cybertron. I know Arcee is safe here but Moonracer and Chromia? I cannot say the same for them. As for Magnus and the others that risked their lives for me, I do not know if they live r not either. Firestar DIED rescuing me because I was careless.'' Her own voice, previously determined and full of conviction now sounded filled with self-recrimination and scorn towards herself. ''What kind of a Commander, one worth leading, allows their soldiers to be so scattered, their fates unknown while I am safe and well?''
Elita brought her arms to wrap around her waist to try and calm herself and try and contain her emotions from spiraling out of control. I made a small gasp at the sight before me. /She could well be Phoenix right now/. My servo started to move of its own volition, reaching towards my ghost. Elita's optics filled with such sadness and pain her vice raw with emotion, ''I should NEVER have left unless it was altogether. I am the one unworthy of leading Optimus – not you!'' At this she buried her face in her servos, her shoulders shaking with great sobs of grief and sorrow.
It broke my spark to see the femme I once loved with all my spark and my once spark mate, who was normally so confident so positive, so shattered and upset. I took a step towards her closing the distance between us, allowing my servos to clasp her gently but firmly by the shoulders and pull her towards me, embracing her fully. I placed a servo protectively behind her back and one behind her helm. I lowered my own helm and rested it atop hers as I held her tight.
Slowly, tentatively, I felt her arms wrap around me as her frame continued to shake against me. ''Oh Elita. Do not say such things about yourself. Do you not hear the words you speak? Did I not abandon my soldiers – abandon YOU – unaware of your fates while I lived here on Earth? You are no more guilty of that than I am. Less so because your soldiers told you to leave, I made the choice to do so myself.'' I gently placed a digit under her chin and lifted her helm so I knew she would hear my words.
She reluctantly complied, her optics wildly darting everywhere but towards mine. Finally, she fixed her brilliant blue optics on mine. ''You say that I am a worthy leader because I lead with courage and honour and set a high example? Do you not see that YOU have always done so yourself? Your kindness, concern, loyalty and love for your fellow Autobots especially your femmes, is limitless and unwavering. Your selflessness and sacrifice are unquestionable. YOU Elita,'' I bent down towards her and smiled at her, brushing her cheek with my left servo, ''are an incredible leader, and an amazing femme. Do not EVER question your ability or capacity in that area again.''
She stilled my servo with her own, holding it close to her face as she closed her optics for a moment. Hopefully, I had gotten through to her. The radiant smile that erupted across her face made my spark soar. She gave a small, content sigh, ''Thanks Optimus I needed to hear that. You didn't have to say that to me, but I thank you, it means a lot.'' She shuttered her optics. Her servo remained on mine.
I gently brushed the digits of my right servo down her cheek before cupping her chin. Her optics shone so brightly, two bright blue oceans. I was drowning. I leant closer towards her, so my face was right before hers, I felt my spark pulse faster, my voice dropped to a low rumble, ''I know I didn't have to say that Elita, I wanted to. You deserved to hear it. It's the truth.''
Elita gave a gasp and my optics darted to her dermas quickly and I felt myself falling forward, as though some unseen force was drawing me towards her. Our bond flared to life and I was assaulted by a range of emotions, joy, happiness, fear, awe, relief, uncertainty, desire, love and shame. I did not know which were mine and which were hers.
Suddenly, her arms shot out to snake around the back of my helm and she pulled me towards her. I felt her dermas on mine, soft and tentative at first before they hungrily and greedily devoured them. The feeling was so familiar and yet so strange. For a moment, I stood there my servos in the air either side of her helm, unsure what I should do. Her words earlier, her sacrifice and her feelings for me, our bond as it pulsed between us, all of it washed over me and I was overwhelmed.
Without another thought, I grabbed her helm in my servos and returned her kiss with equal ferocity and need. We channelled all of our pain, our loss, our grief, our need for redemption and our lost love into that kiss. Servos dug almost painfully into the back of my helm as Elita sought to pull me into her. A loud moan followed by a sharp intake of air and a hiss made me vaguely aware I had perhaps grasped her beautiful, face too tightly and I loosened my hold. My servos moved down to wrap about her slender waist, Elita sighed and whispered my name against my dermas as she continued to kiss me, ''Optimus, I've missed you. I love you''. For a moment, it was as though nothing had changed between us.
''Elita.. I…'' I sighed into her dermas.
All at once the image of Phoenix was before me. It was her dermas on mine, her servos pulling me towards her, her body against mine and her voice telling me she loved me. My optics flew open and I removed my dermas from hers as if I had just been burned. ''NO! I CAN'T,'' I yelled as I wrenched myself away from Elita's grasp, taking several steps away rapidly, my servo stretched out before me as though to protect myself, or Elita. My whole body shook with the strength of my emotions and I cycled air furiously in a desperate bid to calm myself and restore a sense of balance.
Elita stood before me, her face contorted in utter confusion. Waves of loss and need radiated off her and through our bond. I closed my optics to try and block out the vision of her pained and confused expression. ''Optimus? What, what is it? What is wrong? Why can't you do this with me?'' Her voice was filled with bewilderment, a sense of fear and worry laced through them. She took a step towards me, reaching out beseechingly.
/PRIMUS! What have I done?/. I kept my optics closed. ''Elita, I am so, so sorry. I should not have done that.'' I opened my optics, ''I had no right. Please, please, I beg you, forgive me.'' I lowered my servo but remained where I stood. My servos clenched into tight fists by my sides.
Elita shook her helm, ''I don't understand. You have no right? Optimus, we were spark mates!'' She started to walk towards me.
I flinched and stepped backwards, ''That's just it Elita. We were spark mates. We no longer are. Have not been for some time.''
Elita gave a derisive snort as she stepped closer to me, ''Could have fooled me a moment ago Optimus,'' she teased and moved to place her servos on my shoulders and pull me back towards her. I stepped back.
I held my servos up in front of me in supplication, ''Elita please. I should not have done what I did, it was wrong of me. Please, I cannot do this with you.'' I closed my optics and averted my gaze from her. I felt so ashamed and so terribly guilty. /And so you should be!/.
I felt Elita's servos slide onto my shoulder struts and her voice was a breathy whisper as she once again sought to capture my dermas, ''There is nothing wrong about it Optimus. Please, let me feel this with you again.'' I could feel her ''breath'' as her face loomed before mine.
My optics flew open and I reached up to wrench her servos off my shoulders, stepping back out of her reach at the same time. I felt a wave of annoyance and frustration sweep through me and I spoke more forcefully to her, ''Elita! Please, stop. I cannot do this with you. I am so sorry, but this cannot happen between us.'' I continued to hold her servos in mine in case she tried to move them again. /Phoenix, please forgive me/.
For a moment she peered into my face, her gaze searching my optics. I was tempted to look away under that intense stare, but I could not. She deserved to find whatever truth she needed lurking there.
After a moment – she found it.
She gave a gasp of shock and shook her servos free of my own, stepping back a pace or two. Her face twisted into a painful grimace. Her next words spoken in a low, venomous whisper stilled my spark, ''Who is Phoenix?''
