Animal Crossing: The Series
Episode 53: What If?
It was just another day in Hell and CJ was at the Roost along with Curt, enjoying a cup of coffee.
"Aw man," said Curt, examining his cup, "I said no Pigeon Milk! Ugh..."
"Random question," CJ began, "What do you think things would be like today if Cookie never cheated on me?"
"Huh?" said Curt.
"Like, what if Cookie and I were still together?"
Curt chuckled, "You weren't kidding – That is random. What made you think that up?"
"Dunno," CJ shrugged, "Being cheated on was one of the first major events that happened to me since moving here. I figured if things turned out differently, my whole perspective today might be different, you know?"
"Don't tell me you're not happy here in Hell!"
"God no, I still love it here, it's just...What do you think? Gimme your opinion."
"Well, I'm sure the four of us would still be friends. I guess one thing that would change is that we'd be seeing Cookie around a lot more than we do now."
"True."
-Flashback-
Curt, Sakura and Lindsay sat at a booth in the Roost enjoying their drinks.
"Aw," said Sakura, examining her phone, "Someone got killed by one of those self-driving cars."
"I knew those things were dangerous," said Curt.
"Tell me about it; fucking thing transformed into a robot in the middle of a freeway and stabbed the driver with a sword."
"What?" demanded Lindsay, "No it didn't, Sakura! You've been watching too many sci-fi movies."
Just then, CJ appeared alongside Cookie.
"Hey guys," he said, "Room for two more?"
"Hey CJ," sad Curt.
CJ and Cookie squeezed their way into the booth.
"What are you having, Schmoopie?" asked CJ.
"Oh, I don't know," said Cookie, "What do you think I should have my silly-willy?"
"Whatever you want my love..."
Curt, Sakura and Lindsay collectively rolled their eyes as CJ and Cookie began making out.
"When you two lovebirds are finished," began Sakura, "Brewster's here to take your order!"
"Oh," said Brewster, "Let them take their time. You know, my ex-wife and I used to be very open with our feelings...Before she turned into a ravenous, psychotic sleaze."
"Yeah, yeah," said Sakura, "We all know your ex is a bitch. How about you come back in like, twenty minutes, when these two are done?"
"No, no," said Cookie, "We're ready, right love? I'll have the café mocha."
"And I'll have the iced latte," said CJ.
"Coming right up," said Brewster, before turning to leave.
"Oh," Cookie began, "By the way, don't forget schmoopie, there's that office potluck coming up. We need to buy snacks!"
"How could I forget?" said CJ.
-End Flashback-
"Hold up," said CJ, "Cookie and I work together?"
"Yup," replied Curt, as he stirred his drink, "That would be the first major change. If I recall, Cookie wasn't too thrilled about the idea you of working in a burger joint."
"So, you're saying that if she and I were still together...She'd get me a spot at the travel agency?"
"Exactly!"
Just then, the girls appeared and took seats next to the CJ and Curt.
"Sup guys?" said Sakura, "What are we talking about?"
"CJ here was wondering how different things would be if he and Cookie were still together," explained Curt, "So far, we've concluded that he'd be working with her at the travel agency right?"
"Yeah," added CJ, "And apparently, her and I are absolutely insufferable as a couple. Geez..."
"Cookie?" asked Sakura, "Listen, dumping that two-timing whore was the best decision you ever made. Just be glad you're not with her anymore!"
"Now hold on," said Lindsay, "If she and CJ were still together, you'd have no reason to hate her. Maybe you'd even be friends!"
"Nuh-uh, absolutely not! I despise Cookie in this universe just as much in any other parallel universes you guys cook up. She's nothing but a worthless bitch!"
"Then let me rephrase," began Curt, "If Cookie and CJ were still together, you'd have no choice but to put up with her."
"Yeah," added CJ, "You wouldn't be able to pull all those nasty pranks you've done in the past."
"No," Sakura agreed, "But there'd always be someone else ripe for the picking..."
-Flashback-
""Scuse me guys," said CJ, "Gotta use the bathroom."
As CJ stood up from his table, Cookie blew him a kiss. CJ turned his head and blew a kiss back, only to bump into Limberg.
"Hey!" snapped the Mouse, "Why don't you watch where you're going, asshole?"
"Sorry," said CJ, "I..."
Just then, Octavian and Wolfgang appeared to back Limberg up.
"What should we do with him?" asked Octavian.
"Should we take him out back?" suggested Wolfgang.
"Uhhh..." CJ choked.
Suddenly, Cookie appeared behind CJ.
"Leave my CJ alone!" she snapped.
"Or what?" Limberg demanded.
"Or he'll make you! Right, hun?"
"Er, yeah..." replied CJ, "What she said..."
Limberg sneered at CJ for a second, before turning away.
"Forget him," he said, "He's not worth it!"
"But..." began Octavian.
"Come on, let's go!"
As Limberg and his gang left the Roost, CJ turned to Cookie and smiled.
"You always have my back, don't you, Schmoopie?" he said.
"Always, my love!" said Cookie.
As the two made out, the rest of the gang watched in disgust from their table.
"Welp," said Sakura, suddenly standing up, "Would you look at the time? Come on, Linds. We were supposed to head down to the Able Sisters' today, remember?"
"Right," said Lindsay, "See you later, Curt!"
"Ugh," Curt moaned, "Don't leave me alone with them, please!"
Meanwhile, outside the Roost:
"Dude," said Wolfgang, "We could've creamed that loser! What gives?"
"Yeah," said Octavian, "You goin' soft on us, bro?"
"No," said Limberg, "I just didn't wanna make a scene in front of the ladies. It's just how I am."
"Bullshit!" snapped Wolfgang, "You still have feelings for Cookie, don't you?"
"What? No!"
"Yeah," added Octavian, "You didn't want to look bad in front of her, so you told us to back off!"
"You don't know shit! Now, could you just lay off? It's over now."
"Sure, whatever," said Octavian, "Come, Wolf. We were supposed to go to the gym today to do squats!"
"Right," said Wolfgang, "Next week's the big fundraiser at Nook's and we gotta look good for our dates!"
"Oh no!" cried Limberg "I forgot all about that! God, everyone's got a date but me!"
"Sorry," said Octavian, "Hey, maybe Wolf and I'll steal you some drinks. Sound good?"
As the duo left, Limberg turned to face the sky.
"Oh Cookie," he cried, "If only you knew how much I cared! What does he have that I don't, huh? Godamnit!"
"Who the fuck are you talking to?" asked Sakura.
Limberg turned around and saw Sakura and Lindsay standing behind him.
"Huh?" he said, "None of your business! Now, get lost!"
As Limberg ran off, the girls shook their heads in confusion.
Later that day, at Hell's gym, the girls discussed as they made their way towards the showers.
"I'm telling you," said Lindsay, "Limberg has feelings for Cookie and it's honestly kinda sad..."
"And I'm telling you," said Sakura, "I don't give a shit about that dumb fucker. His problems are none of my concern."
"How can you be so heartless?"
"Easy. When you look like a smelly hobo clown, it's kinda hard to gain sympathy points from me."
As the girls walked and talked, they ran into Octavian and Wolfgang.
"Ugh," said Sakura, "Not these two. Of all the places..."
"Hey, hey," said Octavian, "Sup ladies? How was the workout?"
"It was great, actually!" said Lindsay, "Sakura and I..."
"Linds," said Sakura, "Don't."
"Octavian and I are a little sore after ours," boasted Wolfgang, "Right Oc?"
"Tell me about it," said Octavian, "We pumped so much weight!"
As they spoke, the duo flexed their arms, hoping to get a reaction from the girls. Sakura simply folded her arms and shook her head.
"You boys done?" she asked.
"Seriously though," said Wolfgang, "We could use a nice massage..."
"You guys are unbelievable!" snapped Sakura, "Come on Linds, let's get outta here!"
"Later," said Wolfgang, while flexing his pecs.
"Can you believe those assholes?" Sakura asked, "Can't even go to the gym or the café without having to put up with their shit! Well, enough is enough! It's time I do something about it..."
"Uh-oh," said Lindsay, "What are you planning?"
As the girls walked by the gym's gift shop, Sakura stopped momentarily and glanced at the rack of protein bars inside..
"Hmmm..." she said, "Be right back!"
Sakura ran to the front door, where Wolfgang and Octavian were heading their separate ways.
"Hold up!" she said.
"Sakura?" said Wolfgang.
"Look, I'm sorry about what I said earlier. I didn't want to make Octavian jealous. The truth is, I do think you're kinda cute..."
"Go on."
"But you're not gonna get very far working out with a lousy gym buddy like Octavian. You have really good genetics – My sister's always been a bit of a fitness fanatic, so I learned how to pick up on these things. You're flabby now, but with the right diet, you can look like a Greek god, without ever having to exercise again!"
"Really? B-But how?"
"With this!"
Sakura held up her phone and showed Wolfgang a generic candy bar with Japanese text on it.
"What does it say?" asked Wolfgang.
"It's called Baka," Sakura explained, "And the label says 'guaranteed to make user strong and lean'. It's banned in most countries since it's considered a kind of steroid, but my family imports crates of it here all the time. It's how I stay so lean!"
Sakura then rubbed her stomach to emphasize her point.
"Wow," said Wolfgang, "Can't argue with that! Here's 3,000 – No wait, 5,000 bells! Get me a crate of that shit immediately!"
"No problemo. In time, you'll be an absolute hunk! Just stay away from this gym and from Octavian. They'll only drag you down!"
"Gotcha!"
Once she was done with Wolfgang, Sakura reunited with Lindsay.
"So?" she said, "What did you tell Wolfgang?"
"That I have some sort of 'miracle' protein bar handy," Sakura replied.
"And? Do you?"
"No! Using the cash he gave me, I'm gonna order a crate of these super-fattening bulk bars from Japan and see how many of them he eats before he realizes he's been duped! Ha!"
"Wolfgang may be dumb, but I'm sure he'll figure it out sooner or later, no?"
"Eh, I wouldn't overestimate him..."
The following day, CJ was hard at work in his office, answering emails and entertaining clients:
"...Absolutely ma'am," CJ said, "And I'll be sure to let management know how much you love booking with us!"
As CJ spoke into his phone, he glanced at his computer screen and saw he had just received an email from Cookie. Upon opening it, he saw an "I love you" gif and smiled.
"Thank you very much," continued CJ, "And I hope you have a safe trip. Bye now!"
As CJ hung up the phone, his boss knocked on the door of his office.
"CJ," he said, "May I have a word?"
"Sure," replied CJ, "What is it?"
"You've been doing so great, I think it's time for a raise. How does 500 bells more per hour sound?"
"I think it sounds awesome! Thanks a lot!"
CJ's boss smiled, "Keep up the good work, CJ!"
As the boss left, CJ leaned back in his chair and smiled.
"Ah," he said, "I feel like the luckiest person alive; awesome friends, a loving, supportive girlfriend, and the best job a guy could ask for! Life in Hell is great!"
Meanwhile, at the Roost:
"Life in Hell sucks," moaned Limberg, while downing a beer, "I'm like, the unluckiest person alive!"
"Uh-huh," said a disinterested Brewster, while wiping the counter.
"I'm out of a job, my friends are douchebags and worst of all, Cookie doesn't love me! Waaah!"
"I hear ya."
"I don't know what she sees in that jerk! I mean, yeah, he's tall, well-spoken, and...Well, he doesn't look like a hobo clown. But I still think I deserve a shot, no?"
"No, absolutely. I agree."
"God, Where did I go wrong?"
"Limberg?" said a voice.
Startled, Limberg turned around to see Lindsay standing behind him.
"Oh," he said, "It's you. What are you doing here?"
"I come here for lunch sometimes," Lindsay replied, "You seem down. Is, uh, something wrong?"
"What do you care?"
"I was just trying to help. I'm sorry if I..."
"I wanted to go to the fundraiser. You know, the one at Nook's? But I don't have a date."
"Aw, is that what's making you sad? Look, if you want, I can be your date."
"Really? You'd do that?"
"Sure. My friend, Sakura, can be a bit harsh at times, but I understand what it's like to be lonely. I don't really have anything else planned, so we can go to the fundraiser together!"
"Aw, thanks!"
-End Flashback-
"I don't know," said CJ, "This whole plot seems melodramatic. Like, why's Limberg all depressed and shit over Cookie and spouting monologues like a Shakespeare character?"
"Dude," said Curt, "Drama is everything! You gotta have it, it's what makes the story."
"A story? I thought we were just having a discussion..."
"Yeah," added Lindsay, "And why is there a subplot featuring Sakura?"
"To make the story longer," replied Curt.
"Well I kinda like it." said Sakura, "Even if it is a little over-the-top."
"Cool," said Curt, "Well, anyways..."
-Flashback-
It was now the following night and the fundraiser was in full swing. It took place at Town Hall, and featured guests from across town, all dressed very nicely and enjoying a night of music and hors d'oeuvres.
As Limberg entered the building alongside Lindsay, he immediately glanced around and spotted Cookie and CJ together.
"Oh God," Limberg muttered, "They're here? This was a bad idea! I shouldn't have..."
"Relax," said Lindsay, "We can leave whenever you want, but at least try to forget them and have fun!"
Limberg sighed, "All right. I'll try..."
As they entered the building and moved about, they ran into Sakura.
"Sakura?" said Lindsay, "You didn't tell me you were coming!"
"Yeah," said Sakura, "Change of plans. I came to monitor Wolfie's, er, 'progress'."
She then pointed at Wolfgang, who was chatting with Octavian and their respective dates. Since the other day, he had grown a small belly and was continuing to munch on protein bars.
"They're amazing," he said, "The bloating is normal; it'll pass eventually. I can't believe I never have to exercise ever again!"
"Shouldn't you, uh, calm down a bit, Wolf?" asked Octavian, "I mean..."
"Nah," said Wolfgang, his mouth full of chocolate, "I'm surrounded by food. I need these to fight the temptation!"
"You're still pranking him?" asked Lindsay, "Sakura! How much longer are you gonna let this go on for?"
"I'll tell him," began Sakura, "Eventually. Wait a sec, are you here with Limberg? What the hell?"
"He was upset and I wanted to help him," admitted Lindsay, "Who are you here with?
"kerPow!" said Tank, as he appeared, holding a plate of egg sandwiches, "God, I love egg salad - Almost as much as I love corn dogs! 'Sup, Linds?"
"The grown-ups are talking," said Sakura, "Go play somewhere else, will ya?"
"Sure thing!"
With that, Tank went elsewhere. Lindsay shook her head and laughed.
"Look," Sakura began, "Limberg and his dumb friends are bad news and you should stay away from them. If Limberg's such an emotional wreck, then it's probably because he deserves it!"
Limberg, who was standing not far away, heard what Sakura said and shook his head in disappointment.
"She's right," he said, "I'm just gonna grab a bite and leave. Fuck this."
"Sakura," began Lindsay, "I'm honestly shocked at you! You're taking this whole thing way too far and you should be ashamed!"
"Whatever you say, bizznatch. I got places to be and you need to find your boyfriend, 'cause it looks like he ran off somewhere."
With that, Sakura walked away. Lindsay glanced around in search of Limberg.
Elsewhere, Limberg approached a table to grab some food. He had been hoping to use this night to forget his problems, but all it did was remind him of them even more.
"Well, well," said CJ, as he approached Limberg, "Look who's here."
"Huh?" said Limberg, "Oh. Hey, CJ. Look, I..."
"It wasn't enough trying to humiliate me at the café? You came to pick a fight with me here too? Well, this is the last straw! I don't see your friends around to back you up, so I think it's time to teach you a lesson!"
"I wasn't trying to humiliate you tonight, alright? I just came to..."
"See what I have to deal with, Cookie? I swear, when you're as handsome and successful as I am, you're bound to attract haters!"
"Oh, shut up! Everyone knows I'm a much bigger man than you!"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, that's right! You think you're king of the world, but you're really just a wimp who relies on his girlfriend for everything. If you didn't have Cookie, you'd probably be some bum working in a burger shop! Your success is nothing but a fluke!"
"Take that back, asshole!"
"Never!"
The two men began grappling, causing everyone in the room to turn their heads toward them.
"Boys, stop!" pleaded Cookie, "You're making a scene!"
Cookie managed to pry them apart, but it was far from over.
"Look at this shitbag, Cookie!" shouted Limberg, "How can you pick him over me, huh? He just pretends to be tough! I'm the real man!"
"So this is what it's all about, eh?" laughed CJ, "You love Cookie! Hey everyone, the truth is out! Limberg loves my girlfriend!"
Limberg turned red with embarrassment.
"Stop it, CJ!" snapped Cookie, "Look, Limberg...I don't know how to tell you this. I don't love you, and I never will. I made that clear two years ago. I'm with CJ now and I'm sure one day, you'll meet someone who cares for you too!"
Limberg looked down in shame and sighed heavily.
"I shouldn't have come," he said, "Sorry..."
"CJ," whispered Cookie, "Maybe you should...You know?"
"Apologize?" said CJ, "Blech! Hell no!"
As Limberg made his way towards the exit everyone in the room laughed and cheered.
"I'm the laughing stock of this town," he sighed, "Welp, only one thing left to do..."
Later that night, CJ and Cookie returned to their home.
"I don't know," said Cookie, "I think we were a bit harsh."
"Nah," said CJ, "He deserves it for all the times he acted like such a bully. He'll be fine."
As Cookie opened the front door to her house, she found a note that had been slid under her door.
"Hm?" she said, "What's this?"
Cookie picked up the note and skimmed through it quickly.
"Oh my God!" she gasped, "CJ, quick! We need to get to Limberg's now!"
Within minutes, the couple arrived at Limberg's. They opened the front door, which was left open, and ran inside. There, they were greeted by the silhouette of Limberg's body hanging from the ceiling fan.
"We're too late!" Cookie sobbed.
To be Continued...
