What If? (Part II)
"So let me get this straight," began CJ, "If Cookie and I never broke up, I would be the douchebag and Limberg would be sad and pathetic? Also, Sakura would be even more of an asshole than usual..."
"Hey!" snapped Sakura.
"...And Wolfgang would be even dumber," CJ continued, "Correct?"
"Pretty much," replied Curt, "But we're not done yet. Karma's a real bitch, you see."
"So," began Sakura, "Your story has suicide now? All that's missing is a damsel in a distress or some shit."
"Don't give him ideas," quipped CJ.
"I for one feel as though we should stop judging Limberg so harshly," Lindsay interjected, "If this story has taught us anything, it's that he's an emotionally frail man who only needs friends."
"Er, yeah," said Curt, "Allow me to continue..."
-Flashback-
Some time after his unexpected death, a funeral service was held for Limberg at the town cemetery. Among the crowd were CJ and Cookie, Lindsay and Sakura, and of course, Octavian and Wolfgang, the latter of whom could barely fit into his suit, having gained a considerable amount of weight in the last week. In fact, he continued to eat his fake protein bars at during the precession.
As the crowd looked on, the priest presiding over the service stood next to Limberg's coffin while reading from a small book.
"Ahem," he said, "We are gathered here today to celeb – I mean, honour the death of our fallen friend, Limberg. A, uh, kind and generous individual, Limberg will surely be, er, 'missed'.."
As the priest spoke, CJ snorted with amusement.
"CJ!" snapped Cookie.
"Now," the priest continued, "Would anyone like to come up and say a few words?"
Everyone in the crowd shrugged and looked around.
"No?" said the priest, "Alright, perfect. I'm outta here!"
He then tossed his book and walked away. As the coffin was lowered into its grave, the crowd began to disperse.
"I can't help but feel responsible," said Cookie.
"How so?" asked CJ.
"He clearly had feelings for me, but I don't think I let him down easy enough. He was so devastated that night."
"Please! You saw what a wreck he was. This is no one's fault but his! Now, what do you say we head to Nook's and buy supplies for our office potluck?"
Cookie sighed, "Sure, I guess."
Elsewhere in the crowd, Sakura and Lindsay discussed.
"Well," said Sakura, glancing at her phone, "This was a waste of my time."
Just then, Wolfgang approached the two girls.
"Sakura," pleaded Wolfgang, "Ya gotta help me! I'm putting on so much weight, even though I've been eating nothing but those bars all week! What am I doing wrong?"
"You're just retaining water," said Sakura, trying desperately to hold back her laughter, "I can arrange for another delivery, but this time, we'll take you off the low-sodium ones, okay?"
"You're a lifesaver!"
"Sakura," Lindsay spoke through her teeth, "Maybe you should tell him..."
"Tell me what?" asked Wolfgang.
"That, uh, the bars come in caramel flavour too. Mmm-hmm, yummy!"
"Sweet! Get me half-and-half!"
As Wolfgang walked away, Lindsay facepalmed.
"I'm at a loss for words," she said, "What am I gonna do with you?"
"Nothing," said Sakura, "This is my prank, so just stay outta my way, bizznatch!"
Lindsay was about to speak, but instead sighed, then walked away.
Days later, things were starting to go back to normal for everyone following Limberg's shocking suicide. Cookie and CJ were at the office helping set up for the big potluck.
"I love you, schmoopie," said Cookie, as she pressed her snout against CJ's nose.
"I love you even more," CJ replied, as he went for a kiss.
Just then, the boss entered the cafeteria. CJ and Cookie immediately stepped apart and composed themselves.
"Ahem," he said, "When you two are done, we still have some work to do! Think you can grab some of the missing supplies?"
"Yessir!" said Cookie.
As the boss stepped out of the room, Cookie turned to CJ.
"CJ," she said, "We're out of paper cups. I thought we had more. What do we do?"
"We do have more," CJ replied, "I think there some in the conference room."
"Ah. In that case, I'll go check. Be right back, schmoopie!"
Cookie blew a kiss to CJ as she left the room. Upon stepping into the conference room, she found the cups on the table along with some other supplies.
"Perfect," she said to herself.
As she went to grab the cups, she heard a noise behind her and immediately turned around.
"Cookie," said a mysterious voice.
"W-Who's there?" she demanded.
Suddenly a ghostly figure resembling Limberg appeared before Cookie, causing her to screech.
"Coookie," he said, "This is on youuuu..."
"L-Limberg?" she said, "W-What do you want from me?"
"To set things right," Limberg replied, "You must avenge meeeee! Avenge meeeeee..."
-End Flashback-
"Dude," said CJ, "Ghosts? Really?"
"Just bear with me here, okay?" said Curt.
"And how come your ghosts always say 'Avenge me'?" asked Lindsay.
"Alright," said Curt, "Fuck it, forget the ghost!"
-Flashback-
As Cookie reached down and grabbed the paper cups off of the table, she began to think back to the party.
"He made a choice to die," she thought, "So how come I still feel guilty?"
She then recalled his final words:
"He just pretends to be tough. I'm the real man..."
"Are you okay?" said a voice.
Surprised, Cookie turned around to see CJ entering the conference room.
"Huh?" she said, "Oh. Yeah, I'm fine. I was just thinking..."
She then approached CJ and hugged him tightly.
"About what, sweetie?" he asked.
"Nothing. I'm just really happy I met you, schmoopie. You know I love you, right?"
"Awww, shucks! You know, it's nice and quiet in my office. We might be able to get some much-needed privacy in there."
"I don't know, CJ. Last time, we were there after hours, so there was no risk, but now..."
"Come on, it'll be fun! It's always better when there is a risk!"
CJ winked at Cookie, who sighed and followed him to his office.
Later:
"OH CJ!" Cookie moaned, "OH...OH..."
"You like that?" CJ teased.
Just then, CJ and Cookie's boss burst in on the pair while they fornicated in the office.
"CJ?" he demanded, "Cookie? What is the meaning of this?"
"EEK!" Cookie screeched while attempting to cover herself with her clothes, "CJ, I thought you locked the door!"
CJ shrugged, "Er, my bad?"
"Both of you," continued the boss, "My office...NOW!"
While walking home, Sakura met up with Lindsay.
"Sakura," she said, "I wanna show you something."
"Make it quick, bizznatch," said Sakura, "I wanna catch Pointed Love."
Lindsay led Sakura to a house the next acre over.
"What is this?" Sakura demanded.
"Have a look," Lindsay insisted.
Sakura looked into the window of the house, which belonged to Wolfgang. Inside, she saw the now-morbidly obese Wolf crying to himself while sitting on his couch munching bars.
"Waaah," he sobbed, "I can't do nothin' anymore. I don't even have energy to get up from this couch. I think I have a problem."
"Oh wow," said Sakura, "I thought he would realize he was being pranked a long time ago, but I guess I underestimated his stupidity, huh?"
"What you did to him is terrible," said Lindsay, "But not unforgiveable. You can still make this right, you know."
"Yeah, alright. But only because his friend just died."
Sakura knocked on the door.
"Come in," said Wolfgang.
Sakura opened the door and she and Lindsay entered. Wolfgang looked up in shock.
"Huh?" he said, "What are you..."
Sakura grabbed the candy bar from his hand.
"Hey!" he snapped.
"It's time to get you back into shape," said Sakura.
"But these bars..."
"Are clearly useless. You haven't left your house in days, and judging by the smell, you haven't been bathing, either. How are you supposed to get anywhere in life, moping in your house?"
"Er, well..."
"Starting right now, I'm putting you on a high-protein diet, and we're gonna follow this exercise plan I got from the gym. Sound good?"
"Oh, Sakura!" Wolfgang spoke with tears in his eyes, "How can I ever repay you?"
"You can start by changing your shirt," Sakura replied, "It's full of stains. Ugh!"
"Of course, of course."
"I'm proud of you, Sakura," whispered Lindsay.
"Yeah, yeah," said Sakura, "I'm doing this for you, not him. Don't expect me to turn into some charity case after this!"
Some time after being caught in the act, Cookie and CJ found themselves in their boss' office, on the receiving end of his verbal beatdown.
"In this office," he began, "I expect a certain level of decency and professionalism! And of all days, you chose to do it on the annual potluck? Why couldn't you settle for a Tuesday night or something?"
"If I may speak," began CJ, "We..."
"No! There is nothing you can say that can justify fucking in your office, which, by the way, used to belong to Jack Thurman, one of this company's greatest assets and a five-time employee of the month who died tragically last year. This is unforgivable!"
"He didn't, er, die in the office or something," said CJ, "Did he?"
"What? No, of course not! Now, as much as it pains me to do this, I have to let the two of you go."
"What?" demanded Cookie, "But..."
"Be glad I don't call the police on you for indecent exposure!" he continued, "Now, get out!"
Once all of their stuff was packed, Cookie and CJ headed outside.
"Well," said CJ, "It could be worse..."
"How in the fuck could it be worse?" demanded Cookie, "You just cost me my job – And the job I helped get you! Limberg was right all along; you're just some clingy, whiny loser who can't stand to be away from me for more than a minute. All you've done this time is hold me back and drag me down! Well, no more of that..."
"You had a choice, you know. You didn't have to come into that office."
"You're right, I did have a choice. And I'm making it now; CJ, we're through! I don't wanna ever hear from you again!"
"B-B-But Cookie..."
Cookie walked briskly away from CJ, leaving him standing on the street, alone and in shock.
"Maybe she'll forgive me?" he wondered.
"She still hasn't forgiven me," whined CJ, "What did I do wrong?"
"Other than utterly destroy her career?" said Curt, "Nothing. You're a great guy."
"Oh, fuck off!"
It was now the following day and Curt and CJ discussed at the Roost over drinks. Brewster approached the duo and grabbed CJ's empty bottle.
"I think sex at work is hot," he said, "That's like the kind of shit you read about in Penthouse! If people still read magazines, that is."
"Unless you have something encouraging to say," began CJ, "I don't give a shit. Just get me another beer."
"Hmph!" said Brewster, "Well, I'm gonna take my sweet time getting it to you!"
CJ sighed as Brewster returned to his duties.
"Had any luck with the job search?" asked Curt.
"I'm starting my new job tomorrow," said CJ, "It's, er, temporary until I find something better."
"Of course," said Curt.
Weeks later:
"Here you go sir," said CJ, handing a paper bag to a customer, "Have a wonderful day!"
As soon as the customer left the store, CJ removed his apron and headed to the back of the kitchen. It had a been a long, hard day at work and he was eager to get home.
"CJ!" said Hopper, as he entered the kitchen, "Great job today! Here is this week's paycheck. Keep up the good work!"
"Thanks, sir," said CJ accepting the cheque.
"See you tomorrow!"
As CJ stepped out of Greas-E Burger, he was greeted by Curt.
"I can see you had a rough day," he laughed, "Wanna head to the Roost?"
"Eh," said CJ, "Not sure. I think I'm just gonna head on home and..."
CJ stopped speaking and stared off into the distance.
"What?" asked Curt, "What is it?"
"Oh God," said CJ, "It's her!"
"You mean Cookie?" said Curt, "Wow, you've done a great job avoiding her until now. Hey, wait a sec; who's that guy she's with? Is that...Wolfgang? Boy, this is awkward."
As Cookie and her new man approached, CJ and Curt confirmed that it indeed was Wolfgang, although he possessed a much slimmer and muscular physique.
"Oh, hi CJ," said Cookie, "You're looking good. Is, er, this where you work now?"
"Uh," said CJ, "Yeah. Well, it's temporary, really."
"Uh-huh. I believe you gentlemen already met Wolfgang."
"You're looking...Different?" said CJ, "Since when..."
"Sakura set me on the right path," Wolfgang replied, "Gave me a solid meal and exercise plan to follow. Now, I'm totally addicted to working out. Check this out!"
Wolfgang then did a crab flex, which resulted in his bulging muscles tearing up his shirt.
"Aw, babe!" whined Cookie, "Not again! Now we have to buy you a new top!"
"Heheh," Wolfgang chuckled, "Whoops..."
"So," said CJ, "You two really are a thing now, huh?"
"Yup," replied Cookie, "But try not to get jealous, alright? It's nothing personal."
"That's right," said Wolfgang, "It's nothing personal, but if you get in our way..."
To emphasize his point, Wolfgang flexed some more.
"Well noted," said CJ, dryly.
"Come babe," said Cookie, "Let's go grab a bite to eat where CJ works, ha!"
"Sure," said Wolfgang, "As long as they have salad, 'cause that's all I can eat!"
As the couple entered Greas-E Burger, CJ looked down and sighed.
"Hey," said Curt, "Don't be so glum. It's a big world out there. There are plenty of fish in the sea, as they say. You'll find another soon enough! Just as long as she's not another Cookie. Trust me, you're much better off without her."
"I guess so," said CJ, "Heh, maybe I should take up weight training like Wolfgang. See if that helps me at all with the ladies."
"You should! I got some old fitness tapes in my closet that used to belong to my brother – Don't ask me why I even brought those with me to Hell – They got all sorts of stuff on there that..."
-End Flashback-
"...And then CJ and I continue our inane conversation about weight training as we walk into the sunset," said Curt, "The end! Ta-da! How did you like it?"
"Wait, wait," said CJ, "So, you're telling me that if Cookie never cheated on me, I would still eventually get dumped and end up working in a burger joint?"
"Yup," said Curt, "It's destiny, man! You and Cookie were just never meant to be."
"Amen," said Sakura.
"You don't think you portrayed CJ a little too harshly?" asked Lindsay.
"Oh, absolutely!" said Curt.
"Huh?" said CJ.
"See," began Curt, "You asked me how life would be different if you and her were still together. The people we are today were shaped by our past experiences, both good and bad. Sometimes, it takes being dumped or losing a career to make us realize who we are and what we need to do to change!"
"Wow," said Lindsay, "That's surprisingly deep of you, Curt!"
"Ah," said Curt, blushing, "Well, I did learn a valuable lesson myself after almost losing my house a while back."
"Well," said CJ, "I'm glad you got something out of that. I, for one, definitely got something out of our discussion today as well."
"That's good and all," said Sakura, "But there is one problem I had with Curt's story – And no, it wasn't the subplot featuring yours truly – What didn't make sense to me was how Curt was unaffected in this altered timeline he cooked up."
"What do you mean?" asked Curt.
"Yeah," said Lindsay, "With CJ distracted by Cookie all the time, he wouldn't be around as much to give you all those life pointers. You'd be missing out some truly valuable advice!"
"Now, wait just a second..." said Curt.
"You mentioned almost losing your house," added CJ, "If I recall, I was the one who told you to shape up. Face it, without me around, you'd be a wreck. Hell, you'd have probably lost your house much sooner!"
"That's not true!" snapped Curt.
"You should have been homeless in your story," laughed Sakura, "And living behind the fountain with Serena or something!"
The gang burst out into laughter while Curt pouted and grumbled in frustration.
"Hey Brewst," he muttered, "Can I get a beer here? Ugh, this is the last time I tell stories..."
Please stick around, because more AC is just around the corner!
