Chapter 102 – Of Broken Sparks and shattered dreams

Elita P.O.V

All the pain, the loss, the suffering. For millions of years.

It had all been worth it when I was back in his arms again. For a brief moment tonight as he held me tight and we kissed each other it was as though time had stood still. We were back on Cybertron before the war, before our duties and we were simply Ariel and Orion Pax. Nothing else had mattered, there was just us and our love. Every astro second I had been apart from him, every moment of torture had been bearable in that moment. I had the other half of my spark back. I was finally whole.

For millennia, I had dreamed, I had hoped that I would one day be reunited with my spark mate, Optimus Prime. When I awoke in the Med Bay on Diego Garcia two years ago and saw the handsome visage of Optimus looking down at me, I felt a surge of happiness flood my systems. He was alive and we were together again at last! I felt myself give a mental snort. /How naïve I was to think it would be that simple!/. That we could just pick up where we left off after leading separate lives for millions of years. Of course, things would have changed between us, especially after I deliberately destroyed our bond.

I felt my energon ice over and then boil almost simultaneously as it flowed through my lines. Anger. Bitter self-recrimination and regret. Mainly directed at myself. If I had not severed our bond all those years ago things may have turned out differently. I had to stifle a crazed laugh at the thought that I had destroyed our bond in an effort to save him, to save us because I loved him. In the end, it was THIS action that led to our demise, our undoing and him allowing another to take my place in his spark.

I felt my whole chassis shiver with barely contained rage, sorrow and pain as the thought crashed through my processor. /It hurts! Oh Primus it hurts so much!/. It was my fault! All my fault! If I had kept our bond alive he would never have allowed this OC, this Phoenix to get so close to him. I would still lay claim to his spark. A darkness began to swirl around me, a cold blanket of despair began to encircle my spark.

Nothing.

It was all for nothing.

Everything I went through. All of it – meant nothing and was for nothing… Because of her!

Phoenix.

I felt my systems start to heat up and I began to cycle air through my intake valves slowly in a bid to calm myself. On the other side of the clearing, the large red and blue truck seemed to shudder, as if he could feel my pain and my anger. I wanted him to. He deserved to. But I had shut our bond down and I had no intention of opening it again. This time it would truly die! I forced myself to still until there was no further movement from him.

I could still feel my anger coursing through my systems, but I was able to manage it. A human! He had fallen in love with a human. I felt a wave of humiliation wash over me, taking with it further vestiges of control. To lose my spark bonded to another was one thing. To lose him to a different species – that was something else altogether! /How could he do this to me!/. My spark ached and throbbed painfully in its casing. /How could he humiliate me like this?/.

Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, the sound of his voice echoed through my processor /by the power and will of Primus himself, OC ceased being a human woman and became a female Autobot/. All at once I felt myself release some of the anger and hurt I had been holding onto to. /If Primus himself saw fit to intervene and save Phoenix's life, allowing her and Optimus Prime to be together, then perhaps, despite the pain, everything is how it should be?/. I dared to whisper to the silent, cool evening air, ''Perhaps his spark was never really mine to hold forever?'' I sat there motionless as I contemplated this thought.

Once again his voice came unbidden into my processor, /She told me that you would always be in my spark, that those we love the most never truly leave us. She was the one who encouraged me to carry you forward in my spark, not hide you away in the depths of my processor. She helped me to start the journey towards healing/. Once more, a small amount of the pain, anger and loss I had been feeling began to lessen. This human woman had been there for my spark mate when I had abandoned him. She brought him comfort when all he felt was pain and, without ever knowing me, she knew how much I meant to Optimus and encouraged him to remember me, to carry me forward with him.

I felt a small wave of guilt washed over me. I had never met this Phoenix and yet here I was prepared to doom her to the pits. Upon reflection, all she had ever done was show kindness, support and love towards the one I had loved and been there for him when I could not. /When you chose not to be/, I thought bitterly. /They both thought you were dead Elita, you made it appear as such, so you must take responsibility for your role in this/. I allowed a small, defeated sigh to escape my dermas. I was by no means ready to let go of all the pain, anger and sense of loss I felt at learning my spark mate – previously spark bonded mate – had fallen for another, yet I began to realise that, in time, I would be able to move forward.

A final time his words flashed through my processor, /She reached out to me and offered me a light in the darkness I had become consumed by and ever so slowly – that light drew me in. It saved me/. A final time, some of the hurt and anger evaporated, lightening my spark. Despite clearly loving Optimus, Phoenix had given him up so that we might have a chance to connect again. She loved him enough, respected our previous relationship enough, to give up her own happiness so we might find ours. A small, wry smile formed on my dermas. /This, human woman turned Transformer, has demonstrated a greater depth of selflessness, courage and love than you have Elita/. I gave a small chuckle as I recalled her words to Prime that night on the beach when she confronted him over his apparent aloofness towards her, /You did you bloody idiot!/. ''Perhaps this Phoenix has more in common with you than you think'', I whispered to the silence around me.

The sound of birds chirping to herald the dawn of a new day broke into my thoughts. For a final time, I ex-vented quietly, trying to expel some of the negative, painful thoughts and feelings. /I have endured millennia of war, loss, pain and spark ache. I am a warrior and a leader. Each time I have gotten knocked down I have found a way to get to my pedes again/.

As the first rays of light began to dispel the darkness, I felt a faint glimmer of hope and strength flood through my spark. /Though it may take time, I will be alright/. In a voice far more resolute than I thought possible, I addressed the new day, ''I am Elita One and though I may be battered and bruised I am not broken – I will never be broken. Not by anything or anyone.''

And with that thought I allowed myself to drift into a brief recharge.