Author's Note: Takes place two days after Prime is almost mortally wounded as Elita has had to travel back to the group.
Chapter 106 – Scattered to the Winds
Elita P.O.V
It felt heavy. So very heavy. This weight on my spark. This guilt.
/I abandoned him!/. Left him to be hunted like some wild Cybertonian Turbofox, pursued, trapped and gunned down. I wrapped my arms tightly about my waist and closed my optics tightly. /Or captured and taken away to be tortured and then destroyed/. I violently shook my helm from side to side as I tried to banish the nightmarish images flashing through my processor. I felt a strangled sob start to work its way from deep within me and I quickly raised a servo to cover my dermas. My shoulder struts shook with the effort of trying to contain all the pain from escaping.
All of a sudden, I felt a heavy, metal servo on my left shoulder. I had not even heard the footsteps of another approach me I had been so wrapped up in my own torment. A gruff voice that was trying its best to speak kindly, addressed me. ''Elita, I'm sorry to intrude but it is time. We need to break off into teams and move out of here,' there was a heavy sigh, ''it's time to follow Prime's last orders.''
I flinched at the words before I slowly nodded my helm. Removing my servo from my dermas, I stood up straight and pivoted around to face the mech that addressed me, forcing a small smile to my face, ''Understood Ironhide. I… I was just…''
''It's not your fault you know. It could have happened to any one of us,'' Ironhide had removed his servo though he set his cerulean optics upon mine. Whilst his face seemed devoid of any real emotion, his optics shone brightly with understanding.
I shuttered my optics, partly in confusion and partly taken aback by how swiftly he had cut to what was bothering me. For a mech, who I recalled was more interested in blowing things up, he had shown remarkable empathy just now. I turned away from his gaze and fixed my optics out towards the horizon, watching as the last rays of light tried to cling to landscape before darkness consumed it. ''I just left him. I could have helped. He might be here with us if…'' my voice trailed off. I could not bring myself to finish that train of thought.
There was a soft ex-vent and I ''felt'' Ironhide cast his glance out to take in the setting sun. ''You followed orders Elita. We both know how Prime can get, how stubborn he can be when he sets his processor to something,'' he turned back to look at me, shuttering his optics once, ''and how protective he can be of those he cares about.''
I looked away, turning my helm towards the ground and once again raising my arms to wrap about my slender frame. ''I feel I no longer fit that description anymore Ironhide.''I felt a quick rush of anger course through me and I turned to stare him straight in the optics. ''I know about her.'' I could not help but spit out the last word, dripping in venom and spite.
Ironhide simply nodded his helm. He gave no indication he was surprised or upset. He simply stood there like a massive black monolith, folding his arms across his barrel chest and waited for me to continue.
I removed my servos from about my waist and clenched them by my side. ''I was so angry with him Ironhide. I still AM so angry with him even though he might be…,'' I stopped myself and ex-vented deeply. ''I just wanted to finish this mission and try and bring back Jazz and the others and then I was going to leave here, try and return to Cybertron if I could. Anywhere, as long as it was away from him.'' I cast sorrowful optics towards the ground. ''I thought I never wanted to see him ever again.'' I stopped myself once more and felt my shoulders slump ever so slightly with the weight of my guilt and sorrow. ''And now… I may get that wish.''
I raised sorrowful, tormented optics towards Ironhide's face and allowed the words to come spewing out of my dermas. ''I hate him, but I still love him. I can't stand the thought that our last words were in anger and we have this rift between us. I can't stand the thought that I abandoned him again when he needed me. That once again, it is my fault he is suffering. I can't stand this guilt!'' I gestured to my midsection. ''This horrible, gut wrenching, spark crushing guilt that weighs me down.'' My servos were tightly clenched by my sides again, my digits almost cutting into my metal palms. I looked away from Ironhide ashamed of my outburst and my feelings.
Ironhide unfolded his arms and laid a large metal servo on my shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. ''I can understand why you feel that way Elita, on all counts, but let me assure you it is not necessary. Despite what you may think now, Prime loved you for so long and I would wager my spark on it that you still are, and always will be, very special to him. He may be in love with another now but rest assured Elita, he does still love you and care deeply for you. That is why he ordered you to retreat. The thought of you being injured, or worse, when he could possibly prevent it would have driven him to send you away.'' Ironhide removed his servo for a moment and looked out across the darkening horizon. ''He was trying to protect you Elita, to make up for all of those millennia and all of those times he was not there to do so.''
I hugged myself tightly and stifled a sob as I allowed Ironhide's words to sink into my bruised and battered processor and spark.
He returned bright cerulean optics in my direction, ''he was trying to protect us too. To make sure we would be safe. If it had have been me with him Elita, he would have done the same. That is just how Prime is. Let go of your guilt over that,'' his servo returned to my shoulder and squeezed harder, ''you could not have stopped Prime from doing what he did, making the choice he did, any more than you could stop that sun from setting right now,'' he nodded in the direction of the last sliver of a crimson red orb that was about to disappear.
''As for your feelings towards him, feelings of love and hate, perfectly understandable. He should have told you before now about Phoenix. I don't know what he told you or what you spoke about exactly,'' and he turned to face me, ''and I DON'T want to know, but I will say this. I have been by Prime's side since he left yours and in all that time, I have watched him love you, miss you and grieve you. I have watched him change, shut down, shut himself off to try and protect himself from loving and loosing someone like you again.''
I couldn't help the sob from escaping and I quickly covered my dermas. Ironhide turned to face me and his other servo came up to grab my shoulder, squeezing them both tightly in silent comfort.
''He did a damn good job of it too, until Phoenix came along. She somehow found a way into the darkness that he wallowed in, found a way into his spark and she bought him happiness, joy and love.'' At this point the old warrior tried to stare firmly into my optics, ensuring I heard what he was about to say. ''What happened between Prime and Phoenix was not planned by them. It was not done to hurt you - by either Prime or Phoenix. They, like all of us, thought you had been lost.'' Ironhide gave me the smallest of smiles, ''I guess we should have all known you were made of sterner stuff.''
I returned his smile briefly, ''I wish that were true Ironhide. To be honest, a small part of me wishes I HAD died. It would be – less painful.''
Ironhide, gave a small rueful smile, ''I can understand why you might think that Elita. But I am sure that if you truly look deep inside your spark, you know that you and Optimus had drifted apart. To be able to ''break'' your bond the way you did to the point Optimus thought you were dead,'' I hung my head in sorrow and no small amount of shame, ''indicates to me that perhaps it was not as strong as it once was. That the feelings you once had, for a variety of reasons, had changed.''
I snapped pained optics up towards him, ''But Ironhide, I love him! When he told me he no longer loved me and that his spark belonged to Phoenix, it hurt so much! How can what you say be true if that is how I feel?'' I searched his optics, hoping to find an answer.
Ironhide once again gave a small, sad smile, ''Perhaps Elita, the pain you are feeling, the love you think you have for him and feel you have lost, is simply grief. Grief for what once was between you both. It is a final acknowledgment that what you once had is now gone. Time, distance, the war, loneliness, fear, any number of factors have contributed to your relationship being affected the way it has been.''
Ironhide removed his servos from my shoulders though continued to stand there, facing me. ''I do not doubt Elita that you love him, but are you truly in love with him?'' I gave a small gasp at his words as I recalled Optimus saying the exact words to me. He raised an optical ridge towards me, silently challenging me to ruminate on his words.
I returned his stare, my own optical ridge furrowed in confusion as I struggled to absorb what he was saying. /Could he be right? Could what Ironhide have said actually be true?/.
Ironhide gave a brief glance in the direction of the other Autobots, time was marching ever onwards, and he could tell they were waiting for us to finish our discussion to finalise teams and head out, though he made no move to cut short our conversation. He continued again, ''In my experience and observation of ''love'' Elita, sometimes what we may think is ''love'' is just a feeling of familiarity and comfort we share with another and nothing more. Together as Ariel and Orion Pax, then as Optimus and Elita. Perhaps your love was just an expectation placed upon you by others - and yourselves. That there was this notion that just because you once were together, that you should both naturally continue this path?'' He shuffled on his pedes. ''Perhaps, in some small way, you have subconsciously known this and felt this for some time. Perhaps, there is something or someone else that has also captured your spark Elita?'' Once again Ironhide looked questioningly at me.
/Magnus/. I felt my helm jerk back in shock as I realised I had thought of him without hesitation. My dermas parted slightly in amazement and confusion. I had never even considered such as a possibility. I had never questioned or thought of our friendship in such a way before. /You never had a reason to – there was always the expectation of Prime and I/. I simply stood there, processing everything he had said. Strangely, feeling less guilty and less angry.
Ironhide started to turn to face the others before he spoke once more, ''I will be totally honest with you Elita. When I first met OC, or Phoenix as she is known, I hated her.''
I turned disbelieving optics towards him and I felt my dermas part in shock. ''You hated her?''
Ironhide nodded, ''I did. We did not get along. To be honest I was not a fan of humans,'' he shrugged his broad shoulders non-chalantly, ''I actually wanted to terminate them most of the time,'' I allowed a small laugh to escape from my dermas. ''OC seemed strange to me, the way she spoke, her sayings, her sarcasm. We both took delight in stirring each other up. But, one-night OC offered the branch of friendship to me, telling me she did not want to fight me, but rather fight alongside me. She swallowed her pride and offered a truce and a fresh start. From there on we came to respect each other. I came to accept her quirks and realised how loyal, thoughtful, brave and selfless she was.'' Ironhide's optics shone with fond remembrance.
''I also came to appreciate and be grateful for how she supported and helped Prime. Encouraged him to open up and, believe it or not, loosen up in some way. She helped him live again and love again. In all honesty Elita, I consider Phoenix to be a very dear friend of mine now and I will defend and protect her with my very spark.'' He looked at me with a very serious and determined expression and I understood his meaning. I had no doubt he would.
I nodded my helm slowly. This Phoenix really must be a femme worth getting to know. Optimus, all the Autobots, they all love her. /If you can just find a way to get over your own pain and accept what has happened, perhaps, in time, you too will learn to like her?/.
Ironhide placed his servo on my shoulder once again, ''I truly hope Elita, that in time you can come to forgive Optimus and Phoenix – and yourself – and be able to move forward. I really hope you will someday get the chance to meet Phoenix and talk with her. You are both actually very similar in a lot of ways and as I said, you are both very important to Prime. No three bots deserve happiness as much as you three do and I truly hope that you all find a way to achieve that.'' He smiled warmly at me and gave my shoulder a final squeeze of encouragement.
I returned his smile, with a genuine smile of my own. I placed my servo over his and squeezed it. ''I thank you Ironhide for your words of wisdom and comfort. You have given me much to think about and I am glad Optimus has had friends such as you,'' I hesitated a moment, ''and Phoenix, by his side.'' I twisted the corners of my dermas into a wry smile, ''Not a bad effort at counselling from someone who usually shoots first and talks later,'' I teased.
Ironhide's dermas broke out into a large grin, ''What can I say. Between my own experiences, Rachet, Dr Phil and ''Google,'' this old mech has learned a thing or two,'' and he gave me a ''wink''. ''We best move out now Elita, they are all waiting patiently for us.''
I nodded. Ironhide began to walk towards the small group of Autobots milling about waiting as patiently as possible for their acting Commanders to lead them. I called out to his retreating form. ''Ironhide! Chromia would be impressed. Perhaps you should take some of your own advice and find what or who makes you happy? I know a certain femme back on Cybertron who misses you desperately.'' Ironhide had frozen in his tracks at the mention of her name. He half turned to face me and gave me a quick nod of the helm, his optics seeming to glaze over as if lost in thought, before he continued on his path.
I allowed myself a quick grin. /Ha! See how you like being hit with a healthy dose of reality/. I turned once more to gaze out over the darkened horizon. Though the light had now faded completely, the stars and moon had come out of hiding to cast a softer, ethereal glow on the landscape. Without warning I found myself wondering what my femmes were up to back on Cybertron. Had they managed to stay safe? Were they finding some small way to turn the tide back in our favour? Had they too abandoned our home to come in search of Prime and the others?
Almost as quickly, the image of Ultra Magnus with his kindly optics and soft smile came uninvited into my thoughts. An almost imperceptible pulse of my spark could be felt, and the cold snake of jealousy and anger uncoiled itself slightly from about my spark.
For the first time since Optimus Prime had turned my world upside down, telling me of Phoenix, I felt a small smile of hope and wonder spread slowly across my dermas. /Perhaps…. Just perhaps, Ironhide was right/.
