Survivor's Guilt

"How ya feelin'?"

I squinted in Merle's general direction, shrugging. "I think it's getting better. Instead of a big dark blur I see a big light blur."

"How many fingers am I holdin' up?"

"One." I held up my middle finger, shooting him the bird with a sly smirk.

He inhaled sharply. "Ya could see that?"

I rolled my eyes. "No, I just know you."

He grunted, unconvinced regarding my self-proclaimed progress. Ignoring his skepticism, I threw the comforter off and swung my legs to the floor.

"What the hell ya doin'?"

"Getting up." He made a distressed sound I chose to ignore. "Gimme a hand would you?"

"I don't know Firecracker, the doc said ya ain't supposed to be up and about."

Disregarding his words of caution I pushed off the mattress and tried to stand on my own. A wave of dizziness made my vision blurry and I yelped, arms flailing while I blindly fumbled for something to stop my fall. Merle's flesh hand wrapped around my forearm, steadying me and I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thanks." He didn't reply, but I could practically feel his disapproval radiating off of him in redneck waves. "What Sid doesn't know won't hurt him."

"Where ya goin'?"

"Rick," I grunted, taking a small step forward, beads of sweat already forming on my forehead. I'd only taken a few steps, but it felt like I'd run a marathon. This recovery was going to suck balls.

My brother-in-law merely sighed, guiding me out of the room and down the hall without further protest. I'd yet to visit Rick despite being awake for days now because Sid and Daryl hovered better than a pair of twin momma birds. The only reason I was able to stage this prison break was I insisted Daryl shower and eat while I promised to nap. He reluctantly agreed, but only if his older brother agreed to watch me. That plan was doomed from the get-go.

By the time we finished the short walk down the hall I was panting heavily, and my legs felt like Jell-O. In hindsight, maybe Sid was on to something about taking it slow.

"I gotta do more cardio," I wheezed, bending over and bracing my hands on my knees despite the twinge of pain it caused in my ribs.

Merle snorted, knocking softly on the door before opening it. A chair scrapped across the floor and I turned in the direction of the sound. I saw a blob stand, outlined by the harsh sunlight streaming through the wall of windows behind the person.

"Alex, what..." Deadpool sounded terrible and my heart broke for my friend. "Siddiq is gonna have your ass Merle."

"Better him than her," he dismissed casually, guiding me further into the room. "Chair."

My hands bumped against a wooden chair and I nodded before practically falling into it. "Thanks."

"Holler if ya need me."

With that Merle quietly left the room. I heard Deadpool walking towards me, her sniffles and heavy steps a testament to her exhaustion. If she was anything like Daryl she'd hardly slept and barely ate in days. She squatted down in front of me, taking my hands in hers.

"How are you?"

"I'm good," I lied, blinking rapidly like it might somehow improve my vision.

"Siddiq said your vision is getting better." There was a HIPAA complaint in there somewhere. I nodded with a half-hearted shrug. It was getting better but not at the speed I'd hoped. "I haven't said thank you."

"You don't have to..."

"Yes," she interrupted, squeezing my hands, "I do. You saved him. If you hadn't done what you did he wouldn't be here right now. Judith and Carl wouldn't have a father and I wouldn't..."

"Have a boy toy?" I joked and she laughed.

"Thank you, Alex."

"You're welcome," I replied awkwardly.

"How are you feeling?"

"Like I got blown up, again." She laughed, leaning forward and hugging me. "How's he doing?"

She didn't respond right away and my stomach clenched uncomfortably. Was he alright? Was there something no one was telling me? Seeing my anxiety Deadpool shushed me.

"He'll be OK...eventually." I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. "It will take some time, but..."

"I'll be fine." Rick's voice startled us both. "Jesus Alex, you look like shit."

I snorted, shaking my head with a grin. "Well, you sound like shit."

Deadpool laughed, standing. "I'll give you two some time."

She whispered something I couldn't make out to Rick and I cringed at the sound of their lips smacking together. Gross.

"I'm blind, not deaf."

"I'll be just outside," Deadpool announced to no one in particular, squeezing my shoulder briefly as she passed and I covered her hand with mine.

When the door closed I looked towards Rick, patting the bed in search of his hand. He took mercy on me and grabbed it, holding it firmly in his.

"Michonne said you're gonna be OK."

I nodded, "Yeah, I'm practicing my Helen Keller for the moment but it's getting better every day."

Sid thought by the end of the week I'd be able to see again, but he also wanted me take it slow. My eyesight wasn't the only thing recovering, and one little misstep could be costly. Problem was my idea of slow and Sid's weren't exactly lining up.

"That's good."

"How are you?"

He didn't say anything and I frowned, squeezing his hand. "Oh sorry," he replied sheepishly. "I shrugged. I forgot..."

"I'm blind as a bat?"

"Yeah." He sighed. "I'm going to make a full recovery, thanks to you. Siddiq wants me to stay here for a few weeks, maybe a month. Let my wounds heal up, get my strength back."

"Makes sense." Rick had a long road to recovery and I didn't envy him the journey. Out of the two of us he defiantly drew the short straw. "Is someone gonna go get Nugget?"

"Carol left this morning." He rubbed his thumb across my fingers, pausing briefly when he felt my wedding ring. "I'm glad you got this back." Me too. "Alex...I don't think I can ever..."

"You don't have to do that." I scooted closer to his bed, holding his hand tight. "It's what we do, right?"

"R-right." He shifted in bed, a hiss of pain making me cringe. "Other than your sight, how are you really?"

"My ribs are sore." My fingers probed along my ribcage and I winced. "Someone has bony ass elbows," I joked, raising my eyebrows.

He chuckled, "My elbows aren't bony."

"Well, when they slammed into my ribs it sure didn't feel like a Swedish massage, I can promise you that." This conversation felt normal. I felt normal. Everyone was treating me with kid gloves or with reverence I didn't deserve. "Do I smell Francine's famous biscuits?"

He hummed in agreement and a moment later a flaky biscuit was pressed into my hand. I moaned when I took my first bit, savoring the melted butter and touch of honey smeared on the flaky layers. How Merle's wife was able to find such luxuries during the apocalypse was a mystery and a miracle all baked into the savory, delectable layers.

"Good, huh?"

"Oh yeah," I agreed, mouth full. Swallowing I pursed my lips. "Although, someone, may want to think about cutting back." He scoffed and I gave him a toothy grin, pinching his love handles playfully. "Just callin' 'em like I see 'em Weight Watchers."

"I'm not that heavy."

I shook my head in amusement. "Oh yeah." He slapped my hand lightly. "I'm sure you didn't mean to gain weight."

"Go on, get it out of your system," he groaned.

"It happened by snaccident."

We both paused for a second before busting out laughing.

"How long have you been holding that in?"

I tapped my chin, thinking. "Since we were bucked off the horse and you tried to smother me."

I could imagine him shaking his head, cop eyebrow somewhere in his hairline. The visual made me grin wider.

"Daryl came to see me this morning."

And just like that the mood dampened. I wasn't ready for this, neither was he judging by his tone.

"Oh yeah."

He took a deep breath and I braced for what I knew was coming. "He said y'all are leaving when you're better."

Leaving was the wrong word. It made it sound like we were never coming back. It made it sound like we were abandoning our family. We weren't. We just needed time to heal, to put ourselves back together mentally in a place that didn't hold so many horrible memories.

"He needs time...we both do," I replied softly.

"I understand."

"It's not forever."

He brought my hand to his lips, kissing it chastely. "You don't have to justify it. I get it. After everything we've been through...just...take all the time you need."

"Who else knows?"

"Just Michonne, Merle and me right now."

"Any chance you'll wait until after we're gone to tell everyone else?"

He laughed, "Not a chance." Shit. I was afraid of that. "Maybe, maybe we'll get lucky and things will quiet down for a while."

"Yeah, maybe."

It was a nice sentiment, peace, but I wasn't going to hold my breath. After all, the world was still full of walkers, and that didn't even account for the living which were far more dangerous. There would always be someone who wanted what we had which meant we were going to have to fight to defend it. That was about the only thing I was certain about.

"Any idea where you're gonna go?"

Now it was my turn to shrug. "I don't know. Somewhere remote."

Translation, away from people and, fingers crossed, walkers. The beauty of being married to a redneck Bear Grills was we didn't need to worry about resources to survive. Daryl could MacGayver the shit out of anything, anywhere. The world was his hillbilly oyster.

"Well, for what it's worth, I hope it helps."

I frowned at his gruff tone of his voice. "Have you two kissed and made up yet?"

"We talked."

That wasn't vague or anything. I'd never met two people more afraid of their feelings than Tweddle Dee and Tweddle Dum. They fought like teenage girls.

"You two are such drama queens," I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose.

He exhaled harshly, "Are you the pot or the kettle in this conversation?"

"I wasn't the one cat fighting in a hole a few days ago."

"Touché."

Taking a deep breath I licked my lips. "You two need to work this out before we leave." Rick sighed and I shook my head in annoyance. "I'm serious. If y'all don't bury the hatchet I'll be living in the woods with a grump redneck and that dog just won't sit."

"Hunt."

"What?"

"The saying goes, that dog won't hunt, not sit." I waved my hand in the air, dismissing his correction. "Daryl and I will be OK," he promised. When he saw the skepticism on my face he squeezed my hand. "I promise."

Shouting in the hall startled me, and I squeezed my eyes shut hoping I'd spontaneously disappear. Rick sighed and I could just imagine his cop eyebrow staring at me disapprovingly. It was one judgmental eyebrow.

"You're not supposed to be out of bed are you?"

"Define, 'out of bed'?"

The door swung open, banging against the wall with a loud crash. "Red, what the hell ya think yur doin'?!"

I held my arms out in front of me, waving them around, trying to play up my blindness. "Legolas, is that you? Where are you?"

His boots stomped on the floor as he made his way over. I tilted my head back, smiling up at him and reaching forward until my hands made contact with his leather vest. Raising my eyebrows suggestively I trailed my hands over his barrel chest then down his rock hard abs to..

"Stop." He snagged both my hands, halting my exploration and any hope I had of getting out of trouble by being a slut.

"Oh, my bad, I didn't know where you were."

I heard Deadpool giggle from behind him, but it stopped just as suddenly as it started. She mumbled a hasty excuse then high tailed it out of the room before she drew the redneck's ire. If I had no chance of getting out of this with a blow job the everyone else was screwed.

"Why the hell ya outta bed?"

I gasped, pressing my hands to my chest dramatically. "Am I out of bed? I had no idea. I went to the bathroom and must have gotten turned around."

Rick choked on a laugh and I sent a half-hearted glare in his direction. My husband muttered under his breath, gently helping me to my feet.

"Ya know, for a spy, yur a crap liar." I gasped, covering my mouth with my hand in mock outrage. Technically I was an assassin, not a spy, so the jab didn't hit home. "Come on, Siddiq is on his way to check ya out." I curled my fingers around his large bicep. "Ya good man?"

"Yeah, thanks. See you later Alex."

I waved goodbye, allowing Daryl to escort me back to my room. He wasted no time depositing me on the bed, pulling the covers up to my neck then tucking them around my legs like shackles. I inhaled his intoxicating scent when he leaned over me, my mouth watering. He smelled like motorcycle grease and pine trees. Who knew that combination was an aphrodisiac?

I didn't need to be able to see him. My body knew his. I knew what he loved, what he wanted, what he needed because he was the other half of me. I knew he loved it when I ran my fingers through his long hair repeatedly. I remembered how he shivered every time I ran my tongue down his neck slowly. My body responded to him in a way it never had with anyone else, and it didn't matter that I was temporarily blind.

My fingers curled around the collar of his vest and I pulled him down. He obliged, sitting on the edge of the bed, arms on either side of me. He rested his forehead against mine, brushing my nose with his before kissing the tip softly.

I sighed in content, tilting my head to the side and tugging him the last few inches until our lips met. Kissing Daryl was like a religious experience. My heart pounded in my chest and my body felt like it was on fire, and I would know. It was the closest thing to perfection I'd ever known.

A few seconds later he pulled back slightly, both of us panting. I wiggled in the bed, pulling him down with me until he was practically on top of me. My hands rubbed against the rough stubble on his face and he made a low sound in the back of his throat.

Smiling I ran my fingers through his hair to the back of his head. When I tugged him down he didn't fight me, sinking against my body, careful not to put too much weight on my healing injuries. His tongue brushed against my lower lip and I moaned into his mouth making him growl, our kiss deepening. Someone gasped in shock, muttering a hasty, incoherent apology and just like that the mood was ruined.

Until I met Sid I thought Nugget was the king of cockblocking. She had nothing on the almost doctor.

"Hell boy, ya know she ain't cleared to slime the banana," Merle cackled from the doorway like a creeper, not the least bit phased about interrupting us.

"I just threw up in my mouth," I muttered as Daryl peeled his body off mine. I felt the loss of his presence acutely and reached for him. He quickly interlaced our fingers, kissing the back of my hand.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to, I mean, I wasn't expecting..." Sid trailed off, too embarrassed to even finish his sentence. "But I did tell you, that she shouldn't...not that she can't, physically that is. I just mean, she shouldn't until..."

"Land the plane Sid," I grumbled.

"Y'all ain't supposed to be fuckin' yet."

I glared at Merle, pursing my lips. "Classy Captain Hook." Turning my attention back to the embarrassed doctor I cleared my throat. "For the record, we weren't fucking." Sid made a strangled sound and Daryl sighed heavily. "You never said anything about..."

"OK, let's just...skip over the details." Sid huffed and shuffled closer to the bed. "How are you feeling Alex?"

"Horny." Merle snorted in amusement and Daryl flicked my forearm. I rolled my eyes but toned it down for Sid's delicate sensibilities. I didn't need our only doctor having an aneurism due to my libido. "Headache is still there but not as bad as yesterday. My ribs are sore. It's gonna rain today because my wrist is sore as shit, and I still can't see a goddamn thing."

"Classy lil' sister."

I shot Merle the finger and he laughed before muttering something about tracking down his wife to slime his own banana. It was all I could do to keep from throwing up his wife's biscuit all over myself.

Sid took his time poking and prodding me though what he was looking for was anyone's guess. Sometimes I think he just did it because that was what they did in movies.

In the end he told me the same thing he'd told me every day since I woke up. I was getting better, slowly but surely, and to take it easy. He promised to check on me after dinner and then departed. The silence in the room was heavy. The only sound Daryl chewing on his thumbnail beside my bed.

"So, you told Rick we're leaving." It wasn't a question. He merely grunted, and for the first time I was glad I couldn't see cause if I could I'd strangle them both. "We can't leave until you two exchange friendship bracelets."

"We're fine."

"Bullshit." He stopped chewing his thumbnail. "It's not your fault." What happened to Rick. What happened to me. For our part in Beth and Maggie almost killing Negan. For every person we'd lost along the way. "We're all doing the best we can at any given moment. He knows that and he doesn't blame you."

"He ain't gotta blame me. I blame myself."

Daryl had a black belt in self-loathing.

I sighed, running my hands through my long hair. "You're not God."

"I know that," he scoffed.

"Then quit acting like everything that happens is your fault." He snapped his mouth shut. "Surviving isn't a crime Daryl."

"Yeah, well it sure as hell feels like a life sentence," he mumbled.

"They wouldn't want this." I placed my hand on his forearm, pleading with him to heed my words. "They died so we could live. Don't dishonor their sacrifice by living in the past."

"I don't know how," he admitted.

I smiled sadly. "Forgive yourself."

"For what?"

"For surviving." He sucked in a strangled breath, hands moving to cup my face. "Talk to Rick."

"OK." He pressed a quick kiss to my lips then stood.

"Don't take too long," I added hastily, smirking. "I've got big plans for tonight."

"Ya heard Siddiq."

I wiggled my eyebrows. "Blow jobs and cunnilingus aren't technically fucking."

"Real classy Red."

I snorted, giving him a little finger wave. "You know it." He muttered something under his breath, but it was all for show. He was just as excited as I was. "Go make sure your bromance is intact so all will be right with the world."

"Ya know, I think I liked it better when ya were unconscious."

"I bet you did."


Work and the kids starting school is making life a little hectic right now so the next chapter might take a sec. I'll do my best to keep cranking them out, but don't hate me if it takes longer than normal.

I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. In the next Alex and Daryl say their goodbye's to the group, temporarily of course. Wink. Wink.

Until next time...