Mitch and Amy find an unexpected connection due to absent lovers. Set around season 11.
A/N: I didn't have a beta for this story, so hopefully there won't be too many grammar errors.
Amy was raiding the fridge in the loft when she heard a knock coming from downstairs. Her attempt to collect herself from the breakdown she had almost had inside the ranch house was nearly completed in the comfort of her own space, but now, hearing someone's request to enter the apartment made her heart sink again.
What was it this time?
"It's me", Jack's raspy voice called out through the door. "Can I come in...?"
Amy weighted her options, but figured it would have been rude to keep Grandpa waiting, so she cleared her throat and said: "Yes."
After a while, Amy could hear Jack drag his legs upstairs and it made her realize how the old man didn't come here often these days, not only because Amy did mostly spend time with him in the house or outside, but also because the stairs were a chore for his old knees. So for him to come here meant that he was willing to suffer a little for it.
Lyndy was seated by the table, waiting for Amy to find them something to eat since the lunch at the house was now cancelled. She looked toward the stairs and upon seeing Jack's grey hair, jumped down from the chair out of excitement, as if she hadn't just seen him just few minutes ago, but maybe seeing him here, in the loft of all places, was the reason why she was so delighted.
"GG!" Lyndy yelled and ran toward him. She crashed against his legs when he had reached the upstairs, and the old man caressed the girl's blonde curls gently.
"Hey, sweetie", he said. He would have liked to pick her up, but getting upstairs had already made him a little winded and picking up a toddler probably wasn't the best idea right now. "Let's have a seat", the man suggested, walking inside and looking around, taking note of what Amy was doing. "Can you show me where we can sit?"
"Here!" Lyndy said, dragging Jack by the hand toward the table, feeling proud that she was the one showing him around.
Jack could tell Amy was trying to make them a dinner, but she wasn't finding everything she had hoped to serve.
"You know, you're still welcome to have lunch with us", Jack offered.
"Thanks, but I think I'll pass", Amy said, even though her attempts of making lunch were beginning to look like a plate full of rice and broccoli and nothing else.
And Lyndy hated broccoli.
Jack sat down with the little girl, trying to find the words to say.
"You know I don't like getting mixed up with other people's business", he began, "but I feel like I have to now. I don't like seeing you and Lou like this. In fact, it reminds me of when she came back from New York years ago and you two were... out of sync, constantly fighting and throwing tantrums. I thought we were over this already."
That time had been hard for all of them, but especially for Jack who had tried to keep the family together when others had been so determined to break the unit apart.
Since then things had evened out a little, and Amy and Lou had found they had more in common than they thought or at least that they could understand how the other person worked, if for nothing else.
Now, something had changed. Maybe it was caused by Lou going away or maybe there were others things to blame.
Like a guy they seemed to have in common, for example.
"I don't know what's going on with you and... Mitch", Jack said a little hesitantly, "but I would hope that there wouldn't become a time when some guy is more important to either of you than your own sister. It's kind of like I always say... guys come and go, but your family's with you for the long haul."
The saying was very topical at the moment for other reasons as well; Peter and Ty had left, but the family still stuck together after everything.
"Doesn't mean we just have to take whatever's coming from them", Amy argued, still staring at the fridge, even though there was nothing inside. She just couldn't look at Grandpa now or she would for sure start to cry.
"Of course not", Jack agreed. "That's why I kicked your dad out of the house all those years ago. And it's a good principal to stick to. - I don't agree with everything Lou said and I think she should apologize, but I wanted to talk to you first, just to see what's going on with you."
Amy fiddled the fridge's door, almost feeling like this wasn't real. Someone was paying attention to her, wanting to know how she was? Her instincts told her to just brush it off, act like everything was fine, but at the same time, Amy knew she was at the end of her tether. She couldn't go on like this, pretending she could take it all when she couldn't.
"Do you ever wish that you could start all over?" Amy asked, closing the door and then turning around slowly. "Because I feel like I do. A lot. Like all the mistakes I've ever made will always haunt me and I'm never going to live them down. They are like these shackles, keeping me down, forcing me to stare at them for the rest of my life."
Jack listened, looking at Amy's face.
"Does that happen to everyone else - and if it does, how are they able to live their lives and move on like there's nothing to it?" Amy wondered. "I feel like I am expected to live my life as if everything I do should be a form of apology to someone for something I've done in the past. But who am I actually living for then? Not myself - or am I? And when does that end? Does it ever end? Do I ever get to have my own life, make my own choices. And why do I seem to be the only one being punished for choices I might not be so proud of anymore or things I wouldn't do anymore or things I did when I had no other choice?"
"No one's life is perfect, and I think we all feel a little bit like that sometimes, but I guess most of us just choose to be more selfish about ourselves than others", Jack responded, feeling like maybe he could explain it a little bit better. "I think there's guilt in all of us, that's what drives us on sometimes. We can't be defeated by the voices that tell us we can only be one thing for the rest of our lives, because that's not true. We should use those voices as a motivation instead, to be better, to prove people wrong. And then after a while, that new version of us is what they see when they look at us. Not the past mistakes and regrets."
"I feel like I'm stuck... I've tried and tried, but nothing ever changes. I feel..." Amy hesitated, "like this place is a prison for me. That I can't change here. And I know that's such a horrible thing to say because this is my home and I love it here, but at the same time I'm not able to change as a person. This environment forces me to stay in this mold that's been made for me years ago and I can't escape it."
It was hard for Jack to hear that, but at the same time he understood what Amy meant. Even to him it was hard to see Amy as anything but the little girl who needed him to look after her, when in reality it was not the case.
"You have to forgive yourself for the mistakes you've made and stop punishing yourself for not knowing then what you know now", Jack wanted to stress. "You have grown, I can see it, we can all see it - and that's a good thing."
Amy nodded, feeling her lower lip pout a little.
"I know it's not the best example, but lately I can't help but think back to my days in Europe", Amy said, feeling a lump in her throat. "There's so many things I didn't like about that trip, but... when I was alone, I could truly see who I was on my own. It wasn't easy or always pretty, but I feel like that taught me more than anything I've ever experienced. When I came back, I know I was a nightmare, but I also feel like... maybe if I hadn't come back the way I did and maybe if I hadn't been forced back to the same mold I was by being here, maybe I could have become someone else. Someone who wouldn't be crying about something like this right now... Who would know her worth and be more assertive. Like Lou. Because when I talked to her back there, I felt that person in me at first, but then I choked up. I knew what I wanted to say, but I just couldn't. It was like Lou got this hold on me, and I shrunk and it wasn't a fair fight. I hate that feeling, I hate when it happens. It just keeps happening."
Jack thought about it. When the chance for Amy to go to Europe had come up, it had been quite a shock for the whole family. It wasn't as if they didn't all think she had deserved it, but they just didn't know who they would have been without Amy. But for months they had had to find out that. And surprisingly, even though Amy's absence was visible and felt by all, they had made it through. So Jack understood what Amy was trying to say by describing this phase of her independence, even though for him and the family is was probably easier if she just stayed in her mold. But for Amy, it wasn't fair.
"I know it's selfish of me to probably think this way, but I feel like at the end of the day I was robbed that experience, everything I gained, that opportunity to see who I was or who I could be", Amy admitted for the first time out loud. There was a part of her that wanted to apologize for making Ty's life so hard around that time, but she had already done that and Ty was not here, so why did she feel like she still had to keep doing it? "And I don't think I'll ever get a similar experience like that again. But I still need to find that person who I know is in me still if I want to survive. I just don't know how."
Jack got up and walked up to Amy, gently wrapping his arms around her. She leaned on him, sighed heavily and let the tears fall.
"I'm sorry", Jack said sincerely.
The equivalent for him and his first taste of his independence and growth had probably been his days on the circuit, alone, doing what made him feel alive the most. To think someone would have come and ruined that for him... It would probably be something that he would regret for the rest of his life. Who would he even be without that experience? This family probably wouldn't even exist without it because he wouldn't have even met his first wife, Lyndy.
Later that night when Jack and Lisa were sat on the couch after Lou and Katie had went to bed - it sounded like Georgie was still up based on the way she kept moving around her chair above them on the second floor - the man kept changing his position like he was suddenly very uncomfortable sitting in his familiar spot.
Lisa put the book she was reading down on her lap and glanced over her shoulder, towards the body pillow she also called her husband. "Is everything okay? You've been squirming there for a while now. Do you need to go to a toilet?"
"No", Jack said, "I've just been thinking..."
Lisa waited. "Thinking of...?"
"What was the first time you felt like you were independent?" Jack asked Lisa a question.
For her it came out of the blue and she laughed a little. "You've been thinking of that? - Why?"
"Because of Amy", Jack explained.
Lisa wasn't sure what that had anything to do with Amy, but she took a minute to answer Jack's question anyway. "Hmm, probably my first time going to Florida on my own."
"How old were you?" Jack asked, listening.
"18″, Lisa explained. "I had an aunt living there and I was there for a whole summer. I mean, I know I was living with her, but I spent most of my days alone, outside, and I got to know the city and make some friends. Even had a summer romance", she said with an amusing tone. Back then it had been the most important thing in her life, but looking back now it was just a sweet naive memory. "Gosh, I can't even remember the guy's name... Jay, maybe?"
"Did you make that choice on your own? Going to Florida, I mean", Jack asked.
"Well, kind of", Lisa replied. "I mean, my aunt had talked about it before, but when I turned 18, I figured I could just go on on my own, whether my parents liked it or not. And it wasn't as if I would have gone somewhere completely unknown. Not only had I been there before, but I also knew someone from there, so I guess my parents figured it was perfect opportunity."
Jack nodded, thoughtfully.
"What does this have to do with Amy...?" Lisa still wondered.
"I was just thinking..." Jack repeated. "When Lou was around the same age as you were when you were in Florida, she moved to New York on her own. When I was around that age, I was doing rodeos. I guess next year Georgie will do something similar. Travel somewhere. Maybe go to a school somewhere further away", he explained further. "I guess I never thought Amy would want to do anything like that. She's so much like Marion."
"Did Marion had anything like that?" Lisa asked.
"Well... not really. She got pregnant and married young, so I guess that was her way to be independent. She traveled with Tim and the girls, and that seemed to work for her", Jack shared. "I guess even though I didn't always like Tim that much, I still felt like Marion seemed to got from him what she wanted from life. And at least she always had someone to look after her. When things got worse with Tim, I took back that role in her life. I looked after her. And I feel like I might still have done that to her dying day... Even if she wasn't a little girl anymore."
"Well, I think that's natural to have that fatherly instinct", Lisa said when Jack sounded remorseful. "Nothing wrong with that. It just shows that you care."
"I guess. But I think when she died, I might have started to project that onto Amy", Jack admitted, realizing it now. "And I've been holding her back. I think we all have a little bit."
Lisa listened. "Oh...?"
"I don't think she got everything she wanted from that European trip, for example. I think we all know it wasn't a complete success for her", Jack said, recalling the mess with the prince. "I think maybe she's been afraid to wish to have her independence after that..." The pieces were slowly falling into place.
"But she shouldn't. I mean, she's a capable woman", Lisa knew.
"She is", Jack admitted. "But I don't think she sees it herself. And in a way, I don't think she can feel like that in here. I think she needs a break to realize it."
"Maybe. I mean, it hasn't been easy for her. The divorce and..." Lisa just shook her head. "Maybe we should do something nice for her."
"That's exactly what I was thinking", Jack admitted. "Since she has a birthday coming up, I think I could buy her and Lyndy plane tickets."
Lisa almost turned fully around upon hearing Jack's suggestion. "Plane tickets?"
"Uh-hm. To France. I mean, this time she could do it right, the whole European thing. No Prince hovering around, just her and Lyndy, getting a break, finding who they are without any interference from any of us."
Lisa thought about it. She knew France was a good choice for that.
"I could give her keys to my home in Toulon", Lisa offered. The more she thought about it, the more excited she got on Amy's behalf. "Also, I think we should probably buy a ticket for Jade as well. If we want to give Amy a break, she should have her own time too sometimes, so having a familiar babysitter around could become handy and I think Lyndy would feel better about it too."
"That's a good idea", Jack said, pleased that Lisa seemed to like the idea as well. "We'll look into those tomorrow." He planted a kiss on top of Lisa's head and she got back to reading her book.
This felt like the right thing to do.
"So... tell me about this Jay guy..." Jack asked, making Lisa laugh.
"Oh, you're not ready..." she chuckled.
