[a/n]Complementsof Darth Void Sage of the Forcewhere Harry summons Beetlejuice to wreak havoc on Umbridge. I about fell outa my desk when I read it.

Harry Does Different CCCDXVII

Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort

Harry Potter had a high tolerance for pain, but the night after his fourth detention with the toad witch he was in bed cradling his hand and doing something no one ever saw. He was crying, but in that pain was something else; raw hate. Not equal to that for the man who'd murdered his parents, but perhaps rivalling that of his Potions teacher. Indeed there was at least one time he'd cheered Snape over Umbridge "I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her!"

"C'mon Potter we're going to be late for DADA!" shouted Dean Thomas through the curtains.

He yawned, annoyed at his dormmate, almost smiled when Ron protested HIS rude awakening. Smacked his lips tiredly and noted his bad breath. He sat up, something landed in his lap, it read BETELGEUSE THE BIO-EXORCIST TROUBLED BY THE LIVING? HAVING DIFFICULTY ADJUSTING? **CALL – Residential Industrial** BETELGEUSE BETELGEUSE BETELGEUSE "Never heard of Betelgeuse." Muttered Harry, he left the paper on his bed and got dressed.

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"Well at least you avoided detention tonight Harry." Ron commiserated, hours later back in their dorm.

Seamus grumbled "Lost us 18 points though."

"Only lost 6 with Snape, that has to be a record." Dean defended him.

Harry smiled at the black boy "Thanks for that mate. Think I'll turn in. See you lot in the morning." After drawing the curtains around his four-poster, he spotted the paper from morning. He'd thought it a dream. "So what have we here? What good? Betelgeuse? Never heard of it. Looks just a little creepy. Hey, this is interesting. Say my name three times. Not so sure about this. Maybe Hermione knows."

"You don't need to talk to Hermione!" an odd voice growled, but no one was there "Just say it!"

Harry half mumbled "Betelg- -" before falling asleep.

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"I want out!" declared a messy-haired, black-eye rimmed, pasty-face entity seemed to be punching on a plastic wall.

Harry knew somehow he was dreaming, he approached "Who are you? What're you doing in my head?"

"You and me have a mutual problem. And we can help each other." He replied.

The wizard thought him ugly but had learned to not take that at face value "What do you want and what's in it for me?"

"Ahh direct and to the point. I think I'll like working with you." He reached into a pocket in his black and white suit "Got a contract here somewhere. All the terms and conditions."

Harry shook his head "I'm not signing anything. Magic contracts are nuts. What are the high points? Start with what's in it for me."

"Excellent! A handshake will work for me. Great! You want to get rid of a certain witch. Am I right? Or Am I right?" the trapped being effused false charm "You get rid of her, and I get…not to put too fine a point on it…her."

The teen looked skeptical "And what, pray tell, would you want with Umbridge?"

"As long as she's out of your school, what do you care?" he countered pleasantly.

To that Harry shrugged "Good point. Fine. She's got everyone in the school scared. Can you be scary?"

"Well I've seen the Exorcist about 197 times and it gets FUNNIER every time." Replied the entity, then his face displayed something horrible.

Harry couldn't repress a squeak of revulsion "Promising. Alright, how do we get started?"

"Well you have to say my name three times." The ugly spirit replied.

Harry shrugged negligently "Right. What's your name?"

"Well I can't tell you. See I tell you, you tell your friends and soon everyone has it." He answered, thought a bit then "Oh wait I know, you play charades?"

Harry nodded "Not really but I know about it." Some crazy gesturing elicited the first points that he interpreted as "2 words…1st word…2 syllables."

"Ok, turn around." He commanded.

A giant beetle waved at the boy "Hiya."

"Beetle." Harry was startled but not scared.

The ugly spirit wondered "It didn't frighten you?"

"Giant spiders, giant snake" he gave a shrug "A giant talking beetle ain't so much."

With a wave of his spectral hand a glass and a carton appeared. The carton poured orange liquid into the glass.

"Juice" cogitated Harry, putting the two together "Beetlejuice, your name is Beetlejuice?"

He was delighted, gestured wildly "That's it! Just one more time!"

"Beetlejuice!" exclaimed Harry "Now just get rid of the bitch."

Beetlejuice brushed each arm with a smirk and nodded "Sure. Won't know what hit her."

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"Morning gents." Harry wasn't entirely sure if what happened was real but even the notion of SOMETHING happening was a pleasant fantasy "We're in for an interesting day. I hope."

Ron Dean and Seamus all gave curious looks but were more interested in their growling bellies than anything else.

"Move it ya pack of miscreants!" Mr. Filch was there to order the students about "Professor Umbridge has an important announcement to make! Get on wi'ya."

The students were generally standing around, chatting when the professors all filed in to take their places at the Head Table. As most sat, the Headmaster approached his podium and said "Everyone please be seated. A change in the education system has been promulgated by the Ministry. But first let me begin by saying…" he paused and held up his hands dramatically, then Dumbledore's voice took on an echoey quality "…Day O, day O!"

"What is this?" squeaked the DADA Professor "As the Headmaster was about to announce Educational Decree #23 appoints me to the post of- - - - Daylight come and me wan' go hoooooome." She looked around wondering if those words actually came out of her mouth.

The Headmaster grinned at the experience "I believe someone is engaging in a bit of - - - Day, me say day, me say day, me say day Me say day, me say daaaay O!"

"It must be the Potter brat!" declared Delores authoritatively "Only he would have the impudence to - - - Daylight come and me wan' go hoooooome."

Professor Snape jumped up "Of all the nonsense woman. Potter is arrogant, but utterly lacking in but - - - Come, Mister Tally Man, tally me banana." The Potions Master put a hand on his hips and spun around.

"Daylight come and me wan' go home." The entire staff was on their feet moving their hips and waving their right hands.

Professor Umbridge's face took on a puce color "I will NOT be - - - Lift six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch!" she almost fell as her left foot kicked high in the air. She was clearly in pain from the unaccustomed movement.

"Daylight come and me wan' go home." The entire staff, including Dumbledore was on their feet moving their hips and waving their right hands as backup singers. They all spun around to display their buttocks and wiggled.

Umbridge pulled her wand and waved it menacingly "HARRRY POTTTTTERRRR! Stop this at once or Cru- - - Six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch!" For no apparent reason, it flew from her hand. She sashayed around.

"Daylight come and me wan' go home." The entire staff, including Dumbledore again displayed their asses to their students.

Fred and George led a chorus of cheers and catcalls.

Back and forth it went a few times "Day, me say day O (Daylight come and me wan' go home)Day, me say day, me say day Me say day, me say day, me say daaaay Ooooo (Daylight come and me wan' go home)Come, Mister Tally Man, tally me banana (Daylight come and me wan' go home) Come, Mister Tally Man, tally me banana (Daylight come and me wan' go home)Day O, day O (Daylight come and me wan' go home) Day, me say day, me say day, me say day Me say day, me say day O (Daylight come and me wan' go home)" They all flopped down in their chairs.

Out of the soup bowls appeared demonic hands that seized every face, yanked each staff member's head into the table, held it there for a few seconds, then shoved away. Hard. Every last one fell backwards.

The student body burst out in cheers.

"I demand you stop this at once!" shrieked Umbridge, looking directly at Harry as she desperately scrambled to her feet.

Organ music played, everyone saw a rather heavyset man appear out of thin air. Not an astonishing occurrence in the Wizarding World given apparation. Nevertheless the Headmaster noted "Greetings sir, there are wards to stop people from just popping in."

"Well that's alright, I'm not a person…exactly." He replied, approaching the Head Table. As he did so, he was fishing through assorted pockets, tossing generally unpleasant things.

Several young witches squeaked and cried as worms or decayed apple cores landed on them.

He patted Harry on the shoulder as he passed the wizard "My young friend here and I came to a mutually beneficial agreement."

"I JUST KNEW THE BRAT WAS INVOLVED!" Professor Umbridge squealed. She had retrieved her wand and yelled out "CRUCIO!"

Only the green spell didn't hit Harry, instead it hit the visitor who only giggled "Hehehehehehehe! That tickles. Ohhhh my darling Delores! I have sooooo looked forward to meeting you. Oh love of my death." He turned into a giant snake, the only difference being the creature's head was still human…well, more or less. It launched itself at lightning speed and before anyone could do more than blink about a third of its sinuous length was wrapped around the Defense Professor.

"Let me go you monster!" she commanded that the tops of her lungs.

The human head smiled from above her and mocked "Let me go you monster!" the coils tightened and it added "Give us a hug sweet dee!"

"Ooooohhhh!" she moaned.

The shocked audience could hear bones creaking.

"Sir, I must insist you free my Defense Against the Dark Arts professor." Said Dumbledore, his tone authoritative.

The snake lashed out, caught him around the legs, dangled the Headmaster upside down. The head laughed evilly, the coils tightened a little further, and it declared "We come for your daughter Al. Hahaha!"

"Please let me go." Professor Umbridge whimpered "I'll do whatever you want."

The snake was replaced by the pasty-faced man, now clad in a purple tuxedo that somehow managed to look totally sloppy. Slicked back hair, which tends to make men appear more attractive, didn't. This ensemble was complimented by the bridal outfit which was shocking pink with the perfect bouquet of dead black roses. He offered an elbow and said "Shall we?"

"NOOOOO000000000oooooooo…!" the bride yelled in a panic as she was drawn helplessly to the man "I don't even know you! Or your blood status! Or your name even! And - - and you're Ugly!"

He looked at her contemplatively then summoned a fork and plunged it into his wrist, producing a red fountain "Blood? Check! On with the ceremony! Would ya?" he inquired of the staff.

"This whole display is entirely out of order." Complained Professor McGonagall.

The whole of the raised platform, chairs and Head Table converted themselves into a creepy version of a Church altar and out stepped another creature wearing preacher garb.

"Looks like my demi-cousin Julius Jutwick." The Charms Professor commented.

Holding a Bible upside down the preacher began "Who gives this woman in matrimony?" Though its voice was little more than a whisper the entire Hall heard it.

"I do!" Harry yelled out.

Preacher nodded "Then, do you Bee- -"

"Ahahahahahah!" the pasty-face waggled his finger and admonished "No one says the B word."

Preacher went on "Do you take this woman to be your wife?"

"Oh gee I dunno." He nervously ran his fingers through his slicked-back hair "I was only ever gonna do it once and it would be forever." He turned back and declared dramatically "I DO!"

Preacher looked over at the bride and asked "Do you- - -"

"No I - - -" Umbridge.

He clamped a hand across her mouth, the fountain of blood had finally stopped "She's nervous as you can see. Best I answer for her." With her every mannerism, even the Hem-hem, he continued in her voice "I'm Delores Umbridge and I'm of sound mind. The man next to me is the one I want. For all eternity. You asked. I'm answering. Yes I love that man of mine."

Preacher nodded in satisfaction, set aside the Bible which just vanished and interlaced his fingers "Then by the power vested in me by Tim Burton I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride."

"Kiss?" the groom found a mouthspray in a pocket. Oddly, it was marked with a skull-and-crossbones "We're getting right to the honeymoon!"

The new bride screamed in terror as she was thrown onto what had just been an altar and was now a queen-sized bed.

"That is not for students!" a distressed Professor McGonagall waved her wand and curtains as in a 4-poster bed appeared around the bed. After a few seconds, she added a silencing charm.

Fred grabbed a younger Gryffindor and asked "Colin? Got your camera?" he shoved the photographer at the stage.

"I'm not sure which was worse." The shellshocked boy returned a few minutes later "His yellow teeth, or his black tongue on her …thing… or Umbridge naked."

George guided him to a seat "There there Creevey. We'll look out for you. Hey you did get some shots didn't you?"

After about 10 minutes of the bed bouncing about, Umbridge managed to get her head through the curtains. Her hair reminded Harry of what Beetlejuice's hair had been when they first met. She sobbed "Dumbledore save me!"

"Time for level two, luv!" came from further in the bed. A foot came out, the toes lengthened and curled around her neck. The look of horror on her face was plain for all to see.

The groom somehow looked handsome when he peeked out. He grinned widely at one person "Hey Harry, say those three words please?"

"Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice!" the bespectacled wizard bellowed.

Umbridge, bed, entity and all vanished.

"Harry, perhaps you can explain what we just witnessed?" asked the Headmaster.

He couldn't help himself he was so giddy "Well you see, Professor, when a man and a woman care about each other, they desire to express those feelings in physical demon- -"

"Potter! That is not what the Headmaster meant!" snarled Snape.

Harry was quite unrepentant "Beetlejuice came to me in a dream. He said we had a mutual problem. All I had to do was say his name three times and he'd handle the rest. Course I didn't think he wanted to marry her." He shivered in disgust.

Most of the Great Hall burst into applause.