Chapter 123 - Breaking free
Elita P.O.V
As I turned around to lead Optimus away, I managed to catch a glimpse of Hound and Jazz's face. They both sent me an encouraging smile and a nod. I felt the grin on my dermas widen and the seemingly ever-present knot of guilt in my tanks, began to unravel. The cold coil of anger and blame that had wound its way around my spark since that horrible night, when it had seemed my world had shattered into a million pieces, relinquished its grip even further.
The sound of heavy, familiar pede falls behind me and a tentative, yet hopeful presence, reassured me that it was indeed time to talk. For the first time in five long years, I was ready – and I wanted to.
Coming to what appeared to be a small cargo bay area I slowed and, not seeing much else in the way of privacy, decided here was as good as any place to face our demons. I ex-vented and turned to face him. A small part of my processor noted wryly the irony that we stood before each other, in the cargo bay by the doors, preparing to ''unload'' our own baggage. Had the situation not been so serious, had we not been so unsure around each other in this moment, I might have laughed and pointed this out to Optimus - /as you once would have done/. The smile on my face dimmed.
He noticed.
''Elita?'' He came to a stop before me, his voice filled with quiet questioning and an uncertainty that mirrored my own. ''Have you changed your mind? Do you not wish to..''
I felt my helm shaking even before the words left my dermas, ''NO! I.. I haven't.'' I closed my optics tightly for a moment in a bid to find some calm and courage, wrapping one of my arms about my waist to try and soothe myself. As I opened my optics, I saw Prime flinch at my actions, and I resolved to question him on this once and for all but before I had the opportunity, his deep voice rumbled to life again.
''Elita, I can only imagine what you must be feeling and thinking at seeing me after all this time,'' his optics dimmed, and his voice trailed off, ''especially after what transpired in Mexico City and - that horrible night.''
It was my turn to flinch as the memories flooded my processor and momentarily threatened to engulf my spark in sorrow and anger yet again. I looked towards Prime and he hung his helm once more, his broad shoulders slumped. /He is as much a prisoner of his guilt and sorrow as I am!/. In that moment of realisation, he raised his helm and his optics gazed into mine, revealing within them the truth of my thoughts.
''Elita, I know through my actions, consciously or not, I have betrayed your trust and hurt you.'' He seemed to pause a moment; his right servo twitched by his side as though he wanted to reach for me but decided against it. ''For that, I am sorrier than you can ever imagine as despite what you think, I care for you deeply.'' I closed my optics yet again and tightened the hold on my waist as I let his words wash over me and sink into my spark.
There was a moment of silence as Prime himself ex-vented sharply as he prepared to jettison some of his emotional baggage. ''Elita, that day in Mexico City when… when we were attacked, the thought of you being injured or..'' he closed his optics and cycled air through his intakes quickly again. I felt a warmth seep into my spark as he fought to voice his fears over me. ''Or even killed, was something I could not bear to allow happen if there was any way I could stop it. That is why I ordered you to leave.'' He fixed me with such painfilled optics as he continued to speak, his voice barely a whisper.
I could no longer stand to see the mech who once held the other half of my spark in his own in such a state so I reached out and took his right servo in mine. Prime simply gazed for a moment at our joined servos before he spoke in a voice thick with emotion. ''I had already lost you once and it nearly destroyed me. I was not there all those years ago to protect you, to stop..'' his other servo clenched in a fist as he recalled what I endured when I was captured and he all but growled, ''all that happened to you, and I shall forever be haunted by that failing.'' I squeezed his servo in silent support, I could not speak. He returned the gesture. ''But this time I could save you. I could save you from experiencing any further pain…''
At these words I suddenly found my voice. ''Save me from experiencing any further pain?'' I found myself snorting derisively which caused Optimus to start and a flash of anger coursed through me. I released his servo and folded my arms across my chest defensively. ''Do you realise how worried I have been since that day? Not knowing if I would ever see you alive again. Not knowing if I would ever get the chance to yell at you and your stubbornness, to tear strips off you for breaking my spark,'' Optimus flinched at my words as though I had just slapped him. In a way I had. ''The guilt of knowing I may have saved you, if I had just disobeyed your orders and stayed to fight,'' his helm snapped up and he went to speak but I raised my servo to cut him off and, although he scowled, he complied. ''This guilt has gnawed at me and weighed me down like some oppressive force. It has torn at my sanity and threatened to bring me undone for five years. Do you have any idea what that is like?'' I spat out at him.
There was a derisive chuckle from him as he gathered himself to his full height, shifted agitatedly on his pedes and placed his servos on his hips. ''Well yes, I do as a matter-of-fact Elita. Though my sentence to endure it was considerably longer than five years!'' He raised both his voice and an optic ridge towards me, challenging me.
I felt my dermas fly open in shock as realisation crashed down upon me. /What a fool you have been Elita!/ Any anger that was in me, any fight I had was leeched from me. My arms unfolded from my chest and hung limply by my side. I closed my optics and hung my helm in shame.
After a moment of interminable silence, I felt a gentle digit under my chin as Optimus bid me raise my helm to him. I complied hesitantly. When I opened my optics to gaze into his there was no judgement, no anger, just a fond warmth and a hope burning within them. Without thinking, I raised my servo and placed it over his. ''Oh Elita, I do not wish to pick a fight with you. What is done is done. We have both been prisoners of our guilt towards each other.'' A small smile tugged at the corners of his dermas. ''Perhaps we need to exonerate each other so we might finally be free of our prisons and move forward? Would you agree?''
I returned his smile and squeezed his servo. ''I would like that very much Optimus. Forgive me?'' My optics looked imploringly into his, desperately seeking redemption.
A smile, bigger than any I recall seeing grace his face since our days as Orion and Ariel, spread across his dermas and his optics shone brightly as he placed his servos on my shoulders, ''With all my spark Elita.'' The weight I had felt surrounding my spark vanished, I felt lighter than I cared to remember feeling in an age. Optimus' face grew serious once more as he stared into my optics. ''I know I have a lot to beg forgiveness for Elita. Abandoning you, giving my spark to another, giving you false hope that night…''
I raised my servos to his shoulders and smiled, ''Optimus - I forgive you.'' Four simple words I thought I may never be able to bring myself to say to the mech standing before me and yet in the end, it was simple.
At my words Prime's optics closed and he squeezed my shoulders tight as though I was the only thing holding him upright. My own dermas twisted into an amusing grin as I took in the sight of the beloved blue and red flamed figure before me. ''As angry as I may have been towards you Optimus, I have had the opportunity, thanks to Ironhide and my own self-examinations, to come to the realisation that our relationship had changed. That perhaps what you said that night was true, I just wasn't ready to admit it. While we may love and care for each other as friends, we are no longer in love with each other.'' His optics snapped open and a sense of relief descended over his features as he grasped my shoulders even tighter. I continued, ''the thought of our last words to each other being in anger, the thought of not being able to have the opportunity to heal this rift between us, the thought of losing you, was more powerful than the anger and hurt I felt towards you.'' I smiled warmly at him. ''I would rather you in my life as a friend than not at all. That - I could not bear.''
Prime's optics shone brightly as he gazed affectionately down at me. ''Elita. Though some things between us have changed, you will always hold a special place in my spark, and I will always care for you and love you as a cherished friend. Please, do not ever doubt that again.''
I smiled up at him, ''I promise Prime.'' Stepping forward, I wrapped my arms about his powerful frame and hugged him. After a moment I felt his strong arms wrap about me and hold me tight as he returned my hug. There was no awkwardness, no uncertainty, just healing. It felt good.
After a moment I released him and stepped back, wrapping one of my arms about my waist. Optimus once again flinched slightly at my actions. ''Alright! That's it!'' At my sudden outburst Prime's optic ridge furrowed in confusion. ''Why do you react that way every time I do this?'' To emphasise the point, I once again wrapped my servos about my waist. ''It is something I have noticed for a while now and it has been bothering me. What is that all about Prime?''
Prime smiled softly down at me and ''sighed'' out loud in a manner similar to the humans of this planet. ''Forgive me Elita, I mean no disrespect or slight towards you. It is just,'' he paused a moment as if weighing up how to say what he was about to say. ''You know how I told you that you and Phoenix are alike in so many ways.'' Though I flinched at the mention of her name in this moment between us, I nodded my helm in recollection. Despite realising and accepting that I was no longer in love with Prime, I still had not processed how I felt about her in all of this. ''That is what she does when she is nervous, worried, unsure, or angry. Much like I have watched you do Elita.'' His voice dropped to a whisper again as the painful memory of her washed over him again. ''In those moments, you very much remind me of - Phoenix.''
Now it made sense.
''I see.'' I felt my frame stiffen slightly. ''Optimus, I must be honest. While I may have forgiven you, I am not entirely sure how I feel about Phoenix yet.'' He nodded his helm slowly though a sadness seemed to creep into his optics. ''I admit I am impressed by her selflessness in allowing us the opportunity to see if we could rekindle what we once had, and from what Ironhide, Rachet and you say about her, I admit I do at least want to meet her,'' I shook my helm slowly from side to side, ''I am not sure where I sit in terms of forgiving her just yet. I hope you understand.''
Prime ''sighed'' and though some of the happiness and relief that flowed between us earlier evaporated at my admission, he nodded his helm and sighed yet again. ''I understand Elita and I respect your decision. However, I hope you give Phoenix the opportunity to show you why my spark belongs to her,'' he once again smiled warmly at me, ''as just like you Elita, she is so very special to me.''
The ship's engines began to slow, and the whole frame shuddered as we began our final approach towards the rendezvous point. /It would seem the time for the ''cargo'' to be unloaded had once again arrived/. I nodded my helm in understanding and a smile spread across my dermas as I gave a small snort, ''Oh, I'll be looking to see if she deserves to have your spark Optimus, make no mistake about that!''
Optimus returned my smile as we both turned to walk towards the others, ''I would expect nothing less from you Elita,'' he gave a small laugh, ''though I expect you will not be disappointed.''
Whilst I laughed in reply, there was an edge to the tone in my voice as I responded to Optimus' challenge, ''I'll be the judge of that.''
