Pixie1913: I think you should know you should be shielding your heart at this point.
SunDanceQT: And yet here we are.
Agentcanaryscotx: That's funny. I was curious as to what you meant and was going to ask you to elaborate on that a little more. I wasn't sure if you were referring to writers or those around her or the characters in my story. There are points in this story that have given me panic attacks to write, so I don't blame you for any fear.
Daisy: Is it even possible to forget about Chloe or Beca though?


Dysrhythmia


Should've held my ground;
I could've been redeemed,
For every second chance,
That changed its mind on me.
I should've spoken up;
I should've proudly claimed,
That, oh, my head's to blame,
For all my heart's mistakes.
But, oh, I'm staring at the mess I made,
I'm staring at the mess I made,
I'm staring at the mess I made;
As you turn, you take your heart and walk away.
- Parachute


Screw. Howie.

What a dick.

An hour after Sigma Beta Theta's Fall Mixer disaster, he sent her a text that simply read: 'i changed my mind.'

xxxxx

It wasn't heartbreak. One had to be in love with someone to have their heart broken by them – and Aubrey was in no way, shape, or form in love with Howie. But that didn't mean she wasn't confused or that she didn't feel humiliated or like absolute shit. It didn't make any sense. He had just been telling her he didn't care if The Bellas sucked. He wanted to play backgammon. Maybe it was all just a ploy to get her in front of a crowd so he could humiliate her – one more elaborate Pukegate prank. But he had always seemed to really like her, even prior to Pukegate. Maybe that was the joke.

The front door opened, and Aubrey glanced up from where she was camped out on the couch. It was late for Aubrey, but still earlier than when she expected Chloe would be getting back from wherever it was she went. It was fine. She shrunk back into the couch, away from the light gleaming from her laptop screen. She could hear someone else's voice, meaning their plan probably was to head straight for one of the empty bedrooms anyway.

Chloe stopped in the doorway then turned around. "On second thought, I'm kind of tired. I'll call you later, okay?" There was some grumbling, followed by Chloe whispering, and then her guest was gone. She closed the door, tossed her bag on the table, then walked up the stairs.

Aubrey watched her go, wondering if Chloe had seen her there on the couch. Maybe she was just tired and was going to bed. It had been a long day after all. She settled back in and pressed play on her movie, planning on staying up until Chloe was asleep so she could creep into bed with her without it being a big deal. That hadn't been the original plan, but seeing as Chloe was alone now, plans could be revised.

There were footsteps on the stairs again, then Chloe appeared in the living room, wearing pajamas and carrying a second blanket. "What are we watching?" She jumped up onto the couch then sunk down next to Aubrey.

Aubrey quickly wiped her face and sucked in a slow, controlled breath. "The Notebook," she answered stuffily.

"You know it's not sad yet, right?"

"Well, I already know what happens," Aubrey defended herself and folded her arms.

Chloe settled in and wrapped her up in her arms. She leaned her head against Aubrey's, silent for a fraction of a moment before offering, "I'll kick his ass if you want me to."

"If I wanted his ass kicked, I would do it myself."

"Then do it. He deserves it."

Aubrey squeezed her eyes shut in a thousandth time attempt to stop the tears – but they just kept coming. "I told him we sucked. He said he didn't care. He still wanted us to perform."

"I don't understand why he would do that; he's always liked you. I'm gonna kick his ass." Chloe turned her body, giving Aubrey room to rest her head down on her shoulder. "He won't even have an ass by the time I'm done with him. And that's saying something seeing as he himself is just an ass. His whole being is going to disintegrate after I get a hold of him."

"Are you drunk?"

"A little bit. But I'm still sober enough to know…I'm gonna kick his ass, Bree."

"He was so nice to me to this morning."

Chloe squeezed her tighter.

"I don't know what happened." Aubrey had been ready to give him a chance, and he just…

"Some guys just like the chase," Chloe suggested, "And you give one hell of a chase."

That made sense. It made perfect sense that he didn't ever really like her at all. She was a conquest – a stupid trophy like in his games. Well, goal achieved.

"You gonna be okay?"

Aubrey nodded and wiped her eyes. Of course she was going to be okay. She wasn't going to let Howie be her downfall. She just needed to be angry over it for the night, and then she would kick his ass next time she saw him – if she looked at him and found it to be worth the effort when she wasn't being driven over the edge by a hundred other things as well.

"Do you wanna talk about it more?"

Aubrey shook her head.

Chloe fell quiet to watch the movie with her. She lasted halfway through – so long, that Aubrey thought she had fallen asleep – before speaking again. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you…about my nodes."

Aubrey didn't say anything. That conjured up a whole bunch of other feelings that Aubrey didn't even know how to process right now. Chloe always told her everything – even when Aubrey made it clear it was something she didn't want to know.

"You already have so much on your plate when it comes to The Bellas. I thought maybe I could just get through the season without it being a big deal."

"Well, it is a big deal."

"You can't be mad at me because I have nodes, Bree. It's not my fault."

Aubrey lifted her head. They all thought she was a monster. She felt sad for Chloe. She couldn't even imagine being in pain every time she tried to sing. "Why do you think I'm mad at you?"

Chloe shrugged.

Aubrey didn't think she had expressed anger at her earlier, but for all she knew, she had misinterpreted the day in its entirety. "I'm not. We'll make it work."

"Okay."

Okay. Aubrey found herself at a loss for what to say after that. Her mind felt clouded from sitting there so close to her – close enough that she could feel her breath on her face. It wasn't right to be so close right now; but all Aubrey wanted was to be closer.

xxxxx

"Aubrey."

Aubrey wakes up to loose strands of hair being brushed out of her face and groggily opens her eyes to Julia kneeling down beside her bed.

"You can go back to sleep for awhile," Julia says softly, "I just want to let you know we're going to go try to catch your cat, okay? I don't want you to wake up to us not here and wonder where we are."

How long was she out for? Aubrey closes her eyes again and tucks her face into her pillow. However long she was asleep for, it wasn't long enough. Her bed is the most comfortable thing she has ever felt in her entire life, and she could spend the rest of her life asleep in it.

"Aubrey," Julia says her name again as she begins to drift back off, "Did you hear what I said?"

Aubrey nods.

"Then tell me what I said, please."

Aubrey lifts her face away from her pillow just enough to speak without being muffled. "The cat."

"You gonna be okay in here alone?"

It begins to click then what she's saying. She and Beca are going outside, leaving Aubrey alone inside. "Where's Beca?"

"She's outside with Conrad. He went and picked up all of your cat stuff." Julia feels her forehead and her cheeks. "You feel okay?"

Aubrey nods again. The nausea is tolerable and she chalks up feeling slightly overheated to being buried under her comforter.

"Do you want to come out and help us?"

No. Aubrey still has to brave going into Chloe's room. She pinches the bridge of her nose and tries to wake up enough to be able to think clearly. It's difficult when everything is warm and comfortable and feels so normal. "I'll be okay in here," she decides.

"If you decide to wake up, why don't you go sit on the balcony?" Julia suggests, "Your flowers could probably use some water. It's going to get cold soon; you may want to move them inside."

Right. Aubrey has flowers. That sounds like a good plan. She can do a few things in Chloe's room and then go sit on the balcony where she can see everyone. Mind and body still heavy with sleep, she forces herself to sit up.

Julia pats her knee then stands up and places a kiss on the top of her head. "We're right outside if you need anything."

xxxxx

Aubrey leaned in first. Chloe didn't stop her. No. Chloe was immediately wrapped around her, simultaneously moving the laptop to the table and pushing Aubrey down onto her back. Her mouth began to find every exposed area of Aubrey's body – and the day slowly began to melt away from her. That was one of the ways sex with Chloe was drastically different than sex with Howie. It was more than just a grand finale at the end that granted Aubrey a moment of release. It was enjoyable from start to finish; it was enjoyable even if there was no grand finale. They could spend hours just kissing, and neither of them was ever left wanting.

xxxxx

Aubrey does her best to disturb as little as possible in Chloe's room – even though it all looks disturbed already. It isn't exactly a disaster, but it isn't Aubrey's room either. The bed is unmade, giving the appearance that Chloe had just been recently sleeping in it, and there's dirty laundry in the hamper (or maybe it's clean; it's difficult to tell sometimes when Chloe throws her clothes back in there after washing them).

She kneels down by the dresser and pulls out yoga pants that she's pretty sure were actually her own at one point and a Yankees t-shirt. It isn't often that she wears Chloe's clothes, usually it's the other way around, but right now she just wants the constant reminder of what Chloe smells like. The effort it takes to wrestle the dress she's wearing off and a shirt on is worth it, even if she has exhausted herself again in the process. She braces herself against the dresser and takes a moment to catch her breath and wait for the pain to dissipate. Just a few more weeks, she tells herself, and no part of her will hurt anymore.

Chloe's laptop is located on her bed, underneath the blankets, and it takes several frustrating minutes to manage to find it once she can move again. How Chloe can find anything when she never puts it in the same spot twice is a mystery to Aubrey, who rarely, if ever, changes the location of where her things should be kept. It's also still plugged in, which is, on one hand, beneficial, because Aubrey knows it's charged, but also makes no sense. Why plug it in when no one is around to use it? The electric company does not need Chloe's laptop to keep them in business.

Aubrey finds herself staring at the empty bed with Chloe not there to go off on about it. She'll just have to…tell her about it at the hospital and hope she can hear her. It's reassuring that even if she can't, it's still about as well as she would listen if she could. Her stomach begins to feel questionable again, and she knows it's time to leave this room. She unplugs the rest of Chloe's appliances then hauls her laptop out to the balcony with her. Surprisingly, her plants are still in good shape. It must have rained enough to keep them alive. Good, because even a dead plant is enough to completely collapse her right now. Nothing else needs to die on Aubrey's watch.

xxxxx

Naked on the couch, tangled up in blankets, her body wrapped around Chloe's had not been how Aubrey expected the night was going to end – not even close. It reminded her that there had been a point when she was sure every night for the rest of their lives would end this way. She cuddled in closer, like that could somehow close this gap between them, this gap that she had made – and she began telling herself that maybe after this year was over and they won the ICCAs, maybe, just maybe, she could figure out how to mend this too. She could fix it all one step at a time, starting with where she had ruined it. If Chloe would even want that. Maybe it was wishful thinking, but as she fell asleep, she swore she heard Chloe whisper 'I miss you' in her ear.

xxxxx

It isn't Aubrey's place to flat out delete Chloe's social media – so she changes all the passwords and turns the privacy settings as tight as they'll get. She also makes sure that she's not friends with Jesse anywhere, in any way, because it would be just like Chloe to be innocent and kind enough to befriend him even with the tension between them due to Beca. Once that's that, she exits out of everything and stares at the home screen. She's never had much of a reason to be on Chloe's laptop in the past – unless they were using it to listen to music or to watch a movie together. So it makes sense that there are things on there that, prior to now, she has never seen - like the folder on the top left hand corner of the screen that's simply labeled 'Aubrey'.