A/N: As I am in the process of slowly deleting most of my stories, I have decided this is one of the few I will keep - at least for now.
Dysrhythmia
At www dot memory,
I'll be waiting for you patiently;
If you feel the need, just click on me:
At www dot memory.
- Alan Jackson
Aubrey has never considered herself to be much of a daydreamer. She's not even sure what she's doing, once she can block out thoughts of Stacie, could even be considered that. Is it daydreaming if she's not really thinking about anything? Is it daydreaming if she's just sitting at the kitchen table, staring numbly at the wood as time passes by all around her? It feels more like a dark, dreamless sleep – only her eyes are open and nightmares are lurking in the corners of her vision, waiting for the chance to take over.
Beca sort of just appears beside her after awhile; Aubrey doesn't even hear her walk in. "Hey. Are you gonna come get ready for bed?"
Aubrey scoots her chair out and casually stands up, trying not to draw attention to herself. She tosses the leftover food in the trash, the fork in the dishwasher, then forces a smile at Beca as she walks past her.
"Are you okay?"
A nod.
"Cause you were sitting out here alone for awhile - like over an hour."
"Beca, I'm fine, really." She makes her way through the living room, past everyone looking at her. Or, at least, she thinks they're all looking at her. She doesn't look at them to confirm it. It feels like they're looking at her. It feels like she can't get to the bedroom to gather up her pajamas fast enough. But, god, is she relieved to finally have her own clothes to wear – or, well, Chloe's clothes anyway. She lifts a shirt to her face once she reaches her bag and finds some solace in how it smells like her. It's a few seconds until Beca walks in and she has to lower it back down and look normal. "I think I can shower alone now."
Beca replies with a smile and a nod then goes back to grabbing what she's going to wear to bed. "You coming?" she asks on her way back out.
xxxxx
"This is, like, our thing."
Aubrey sits on the closed toilet seat, wrestling with her shirt.
"How many friends bond by undressing each other and showering together every day?" Beca asks, coming to help her, "I can't believe I just said we're friends."
It takes a second to sink in that Beca is trying to joke with her, and by the time she does realize it, it's too late to pretend to smile anyway. She folds her shirt on her lap then very carefully places it next to the sink.
"I was thinking we could take a bath again," Beca rambles on as she turns on the water and looks at Aubrey for a response.
Aubrey nods. If they had put more effort into looking for Stacie, the same amount of effort they had put into looking for Chloe, they probably could have found her – and Sophia. They barely even tried.
"Are you gonna take the rest of your clothes off?"
Beca is already completely undressed. They should have looked harder. She slides her pants down then pulls them off one leg at a time. It hurts so much to bend. None of this would have happened if Aubrey had just…if she had just done things differently. Now it's too late. She tunes back in to being in the bathroom a little more once she's undressed and needs to cover her cast. By the time she's ready, Beca is already sitting in the tub, just watching her.
The water is too hot. The sides of the bathtub are too cold. Or maybe it's just her. Maybe she just… Her thoughts run off in a thousand different directions, and she tries to reel them back in – tries to just find one thing to focus on, no matter what that thing is. She rubs her fingers back and forth against her stomach, tilting her head down to stare at the water when Beca turns her head to look at her and releases a heavy sigh.
"Not that it's, like, the same thing or anything, but…" Beca stops and looks up at the ceiling, uttering a nervous laugh before continuing, "I've been pulling out my hair when nobody's looking."
"What?" Aubrey asks.
"I used to…" There is another lengthy pause as Beca rubs her face. "After my…"
Aubrey lifts her head to be able to fully see her.
"After my dad left my mom, I started pulling my hair out. I didn't want to do it, but the tension would build up out of nowhere, and I couldn't not do it. I guess I stopped at some point, because I practically forgot it ever happened – until…" Beca lets her voice trail off. "What I'm trying to say is I get on some level wanting something to stop, but the stress just keeps building up. I'm sorry your stomach hurts. And I'm sorry for what that bartender bitch did. Jesse must have told her where to aim."
There are a lot of things about Beca that Aubrey doesn't understand – and maybe she never will. But this isn't one of them. This, Aubrey understands – even beyond just wanting her stomach to stop hurting. She understands when you want to stop doing something, but you just keep doing it over and over and over – and no amount of willpower can change it. She stares at the skin around her nails, the areas she has managed to bite raw.
"So, you're not…alone. Even if I am emotionally…"
"Crippled," Aubrey supplies.
"Whatever. So are you – and that's why you're not alone, so don't dis it or cavil about it. We both know it's true. We're ticking time bombs right now. And also, you're physically crippled."
"I felt better before you started trying to comfort to me."
Beca exhales a harsh laugh. "Me too."
Aubrey picks herself up from her slouched position and wraps an arm around her.
"This is weird."
"Everything is weird, Beca."
"Touché."
They sit like that in silence for a moment, listening to the water swish whenever one of them shifts – until Beca speaks up again.
"Should I get the duck?"
"No."
xxxxx
"I'll get the air mattress," Brian says when they're all settled back in the living.
"That's alright." Julia is running a brush through Aubrey's hair again, trying to fix the knots in it from Catsy pulling it out of the braid, "Don't worry about it until tomorrow."
"It's just right in the bedroom closet," Brian replies.
"I can sleep by myself," Aubrey adds. Whether or not she wants to sleep alone…
"By yourself?" Beca glances away from playing Mario Kart again, "Where am I sleeping?"
"The floor," Aubrey deadpans.
Beca huffs.
"We can all sleep in the bed," Julia says.
"It's fine," Aubrey replies.
"Aubrey and I will go get the air mattress," Conrad says and puts his controller down on the floor, "Aubrey let's go."
"Thank you," Aubrey tells him.
"Why Aubrey?" Brian asks, "She has one arm."
Aubrey frowns. "I'm injured, not incapacitated."
"You're hors de combat," Brian argues.
"Excuse me?"
"Aubrey can carry the pump," Conrad says.
"Or, I, the strong man of the house could just go carry both," Brian states.
"Maybe I just want a chance to talk to Aubrey!" Conrad stands up, "Do I have to spell everything out for you?"
"I've seen how you spell, so, no, no, that would not be helpful at all," Brian answers, "You can literally talk to her right here."
"Well, maybe I want to talk to her alone and get the air mattress."
"Fine. Take the one person who won't be able to carry it."
"I already said she can carry the pump. Let's gooo, Aubrey. We have things to discuss."
Aubrey isn't all that certain she wants to know what these things are. But before she has a chance to voice her argument and tell him she wants to carry the pump in silence, she's being grabbed by the hand and dragged away. She yanks her hand back after a few steps, then follows willingly so her only working arm won't be pulled out of the socket. "What?" she asks when they reach the hall.
"You know, sometimes I look at you and Brian, and I wonder how smart people are always so dumb." Conrad leads her into his room. "Why are dumb people like me always required to be so smart? You're destroying the status quo. It's becoming a status woe."
That…doesn't make any sense at all, and Aubrey just stops next to the bed and stares at him.
"Maybe she doesn't want to sleep on the air mattress," Conrad elaborates with an exasperated sigh, "Maybe she wants to sleep in the bed."
"So, blow it up for me and Beca," Aubrey says even though she's reluctant to sleep in the living room – or anywhere that lacks at least some semblance of privacy.
Conrad places his hands on her cheeks, unphased when she backs up a few steps. "Have you thought that maybe your presence might be comforting to others during this trying time?"
"Why do you talk like that?"
"Don't deflect. Maybe she would rather sleep with you and Beca."
"And you don't think she would tell me that?"
"No," Conrad says, "Because she's a mom. But her husband is in Florida, and her son apparently hates her, and she has one daughter in a coma, and you're essentially the only person here that she knows, and also no one wants to sleep alone in the dark so close to the kitchen demon."
"That's not a real thing," Aubrey states, getting a little caught up in the whole demon thing – maybe on purpose.
"I said what I said. Now out!" Conrad startles her and ushers her back out into the hall. He turns down the hallway before she can get an argument in. "Air mattress is haunted," he says as he walks past Brian.
"The what is what?" Brian asks.
"I said the air mattress is haunted. Are you deaf?"
"No," Brian answers, "But after hearing that, I wish I was."
xxxxx
It's not so bad – the three of them being crammed in bed together. Not that they need to be curled up as close to each other as they are. There's plenty of space, but Beca's back is still pressed against Aubrey's side, and Julia's hand is still on Aubrey's stomach because she fell asleep rubbing it for her. It's kind of weird when she thinks about it though – sleeping between Chloe's mom and Beca. But comfortable. But also frustrating, because she wants to know what was on Chloe's laptop, but she'll wake them both if she moves. Maybe that's the point. They're both keeping an eye on her. She tries to sleep too, but even though she took sleeping pills at Julia's request, sleep doesn't come. The medication just made her more exhausted – but her mind is too busy alternating rapidly between thinking about everything at once and nothing at all to properly shut down and give her a rest.
According to the digital clock, it's a little after midnight, and Aubrey has finally stopped squirming around, when Beca sits up and looks around then slowly tries to creep out of bed.
That little sneak...
"Where are you going?" Aubrey asks immediately, wondering if she had even been asleep at all.
Beca startles. "Jesus." She lets out a breath. "I'm going to get a glass of water. You want one?"
It sounds more like an accusation than a question. "Where are you really going?" She hadn't been just looking around; she had been trying to make sure Aubrey was asleep.
"The bathroom?" Beca tries again.
"Fine," Aubrey concedes, "Don't tell me." She can just barely see Beca arch her eyebrows in the dark. "It'll be a surprise." She slowly, very slowly, eases Julia's hand off her stomach so she can sit up.
"You don't strike me as the kind of person who likes surprises," Beca whispers. She stands up and locates the bag Aubrey packed for her then kneels down beside it.
"Well, I also don't like waiting for an invitation." She can hear Beca smile in the way she breathes.
"Because you're not going to get one?"
"Exactly."
"If you must know, I'm taking your laptop to the living room."
Perfect. "Great. I'll come too. Someone has to make sure you don't break my computer." Aubrey grabs Chloe's laptop from her bag and a pair of earphones. She stands up along with Beca, albeit with a bit more struggle, and waits for her to lead the way.
"Who says I want you to come?" Beca stops whispering once they're out in the hall. "Maybe I'm coming out here to watch porn."
"In that case, who says you don't want me to come?"
"I refuse to dignify that with a response."
They settle on opposite sides of the couch, their legs overlapping. Beca pulls down the throw draped over the back of the couch, and tosses one end in Aubrey's direction. She doesn't mean to grab it up as frantically as she does, but after all that time being wet and cold, blankets all look like they're made of gold. Still, she makes sure they both have enough of it to be covered before sinking down into the pillows and booting up her computer – well, Chloe's computer.
"Hey, Aubrey?"
Aubrey looks up.
"Maybe…stay away from the news."
The playful tension tightens into something real and Aubrey looks back down at the screen. How lucky Beca is to not feel like she has to knows absolutely everything in the world that there is to know right now… It makes her wonder if she should ever tell her about Stacie. How nice it must be to be able to be so blissfully ignorant right now. Jealousy. That's what the tight feeling in her chest is. And it's not exactly unfamiliar. She draws in a deep breath then releases it slowly, willing it away.
"I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I just-"
"Okay." Aubrey has more important things to look at anyway – for now. She glances up long enough to nod then double clicks the folder with her name on it again. This better not be something weird, Chloe. With her earphones plugged in and securely in her ears, she opens the first video – and her hand slowly falls back down to her lap.
"What?" Beca questions the expression on her face.
Chloe situates herself on her chair and smiles at the camera. "First thing's first, I asked my mom for a new computer with a shit ton of space. She really came through. I mean, of course she did; I have the best mom in the entire world. And she came through on time too, because my last laptop is too full of videos to even run at a reasonable speed anymore, and I have something that needs to be talked about right now. I'm just going to jump right to it." She leans her face in close to the camera. "I met a girl."
