If I keep my eyes closed
He feels just like you


If there was only one thing worse than my brush with Joker on Saturday, it was these damn dishes I had been neglecting. I only had myself to blame-for letting both situations get as bad as they were. Doing something as mundane and routine as the dishes after what had happened over the weekend was bizarre. It was too normal. But so far, I hadn't heard a peep from a certain clown.

Cradling the phone between my ear and shoulder, I scrubbed vigorously at the oatmeal caked to the side of the bowl and sighed. Concentrating on a basic task like this might help get my mind off of thinking about him. Cleaning was always my go-to when I wanted to distract myself but so far, nothing was helping me forget.

For the past half hour, I'd been telling Abby about what had happened, letting her gasp and react with shock at the appropriate times. She clucked her tongue in disappointment and I squeezed the phone tighter to my head to keep it from dropping into the dirty water.

"I can't believe that. Well," she scoffed. "I can and I can't. This is Gotham, after all. But at the opera?"

"Yep. Matt had to spend all day dealing with the bank and credit card company. So far, there wasn't any money stolen." Which begged the question-

"Then why take his wallet?" Abby asked for me, making me pause with my fingers dipped into the grimy water. I shook my head and pushed the scrubbed harder onto the edge of the bowl.

"No idea." Oh, I had a few ideas, but they all kept me awake at night if I thought about them for very long. If Joker had Matt's information, there's not much he couldn't do or find out with it. That made me incredibly nervous and a bit sick to my stomach.

"Did he make a police report?"

"No." Thank the gods above! I wouldn't have known what to do if those two detectives came to question me about something else. "Said it's not even worth the trouble. Gotham PD doesn't exactly have a great track record."

On the other end of the call, Abby laughed. "I don't know. I think this new commissioner is shaking things up. You know, my mom's new boyfriend is friends with some cops and he says there's a ton of pressure right now for them to catch the Joker. Like they'll jump at any chance to find him."

My hands stilled as I reached for the faucet knob and I stared at the dull, white paint on the wall behind the sink. What she said made sense, but I hadn't thought of it that way. No wonder they had come to visit me. If they were grasping at any straw, any connection to Joker, then they'd for sure be watching me for any little clue.

And if they were watching me, then I couldn't let him get to me again. I didn't want to think about what he would do if they locked me up and I wasn't sure which was worse-him letting me rot in prison or him trying to break me out. A life of running was not for me.

I had to change the subject and fast, otherwise, I was going to get too nauseous to finish the dishes and they had to be done tonight. I cleared my throat and quickly dried my hands on my shirt before switching the phone to my other ear. "Which is why they won't care too much about a random mugging. I feel awful though."

"I feel awful for him. Is he cutting his trip short? I know I wouldn't want to stay in this city if it were me."

"Not that I'm aware of. He and his dad are still working out his deal. It could take several weeks to finish but, um…" Glancing at the clock, I winced. I only had about half an hour left to finish cleaning the kitchen, my bedroom and shave my legs before seven. "He's staying the night tonight."

"Oh?" I could hear the playfulness in her tone and it made me roll my eyes. "Is tonight the night?"

"Please, you make it sound like I'm losing my virginity or something." And well, I might as well be. It had been over a year since I last had sex and I definitely needed to erase that experience. Even as I thought it, I knew that unless Matt was some sort of sex-god, I wouldn't forget the night I'd spent in that warehouse office.

It had been lurking in my head for far too long and I had spent too many nights laying in bed, replaying it over and over. And it never failed. Each time it replayed, each time I thought of the dirty things he said to me, the dirty things he'd done to me, that same heat coursed through me and sizzled just beneath the skin.

Like a drug, it called to me, begging for me to relapse. Just one more time wouldn't hurt. One more taste-just to take the edge off.

"I'm just excited for you," Abby said, cutting through my thoughts so suddenly I nearly dropped the phone in the sink. "You need to get laid, Nat."

"I know." Boy did I ever. "I'm excited too, actually."

And that wasn't a lie. I was excited, and not just because my dry spell was coming to an end but because having Matt here gave me a sense of security. Joker was bold, but I was fairly confident he wouldn't show up if I wasn't alone. He was still lying low, still in hiding while the cops thought he was high tailing it to Canada.

Not to mention, if having sex with Matt did start to make those memories fade, then that was two birds with one stone.

"What do you have planned for tonight?"

"Oh, he's bringing takeout and we're probably going to watch a movie or something."

Abby laughed, making me smile. "Or something...I know what that means. You crazy kids better behave yourselves."

I opened my mouth to give her a sarcastic response, but a sharp knock at the door made me start. My jaw snapped shut and I looked at the time with a frown. He was so early! I wasn't even dressed yet.

"Shit, I gotta go. He's here early."

"Oh, he's eager! Go get 'em, tiger!" With a roll of my eyes, I hung up the phone and padded across the kitchen to the front door. I looked down at myself with a huff of annoyance.

A wet handprint was streaked across the bottom of my shirt and I still hadn't shaved my legs. Hopefully, Matt wasn't the kind of guy to care if a woman had two-day stubble growing. Leaning forward, I blinked at the peephole and found no one standing there.

It instantly made my stomach drop a bit inside me and I backed away, keeping my hands on the door. It felt like a trap like if I opened the door I would be snatched and dragged to some secret location deep in a part of Gotham I'd never been. But I couldn't stay hidden away.

If he wanted me out of this apartment, he'd get me out.

Slowly, my hand lowered to the deadbolt and I twisted it with a click that made me flinch. I pulled the door open and carefully poked my head out. The hallway was clear. Not even the elevator seemed to be occupied. It was quiet down the hall and none of the lights above it were lit.

Had I been hearing things? I could have sworn someone knocked at my-

My eyes dropped to the floor in front of my apartment door and the small, rectangular package sitting there. On top of the brown, paper wrapping was a green bow and I knew in an instant who it was from. Usually, they came in the mailbox with no return address but now he was having them delivered to my door?

I stood there staring at the damn thing, knowing it was best to just kick it down the hall, forget its existence, and slam the door behind me. But he knew I wouldn't be able to do that. Just like every package before, I didn't get rid of it. I bent down to scoop it up and brought it inside, scowling down at the bow.

The color was almost a perfect match to the shade of green of the dress I had been wearing Saturday night that it made me shake my head. How did he always have so much attention to the minor details? In a weird way, if it were anyone but him, I'd find it romantic. But knowing he did things like this, paid attention to the things I'd never notice, for the sake of tormenting me, sucked all the romance out of it.

I hooked a finger around the flap of paper and ripped it open to reveal the nondescript box within. The lid slid off and I tossed it onto the table. Inside was the same as always; crimped strips of paper cut from magazines covering the contents of the box.

Taking a seat at the table, I brushed aside a few of the paper strips and pulled out the glossy, black and white photo. There was only one this time and it made my breath halt in my lungs. It was from Saturday night, taken right outside my apartment building.

My head was tilted back, a smile of slight embarrassment on my face with Matt at my side. We were facing the car, hurrying to duck into it, and from the angle the picture was taken at, whoever the photographer was seemed to be across the street and down the block.

There was another apartment complex there, and a few office buildings. Could he be hiding out there in one of them?

I bit my lip and frowned at the red marker streaked across Matt's face in the photo. There were scribbled X's on his eyes and a red frown across his mouth. Above his head, Joker had written something that made me narrow my eyes in irritation.

You can do better

The absolute nerve of him! Rolling my eyes, I slapped the photo onto the table face down and reached further into the box of paper. He always left me a note so I knew there was something else inside. But my fingers didn't find the usual slick playing card. Instead, I pulled out a long slip of paper that looked like a receipt for something.

I flipped it around and stared at the words, my eyes narrowing in confusion the more I stared at it. In the upper, left corner was a familiar title printed in red letters. Gotham Savings and Loan. It was a deposit slip and the name on the account was one that was familiar but not my own.

An electronic transfer of funds in the amount of five hundred thousand dollars had been deposited into my account-or, whoever's account. Jaclyn Napier's name was on it, but that didn't mean anything. That person didn't exist but someone was clearly still controlling the account.

I remembered all too well the words he had said to me Saturday night as he leaned so close I could feel the warmth of his breath across my face. He knew I had been using the money he left behind and had counted on me using it. Even now, I was embarrassed by how easily I had walked into another one of his traps.

But, seeing the deposit slip made me frown. If he had this kind of money, then what the hell did he need me to pay him back for the couple of thousand I'd spent? A gnawing feeling clawed at the inside of my stomach. I set the slip of paper down on the table and lowered my hands to my belly. I knew the answer to my question but I was denying it, still trying to convince myself that it wasn't true.

He didn't need my money.

He just needed to have some control over me.

My eyes burned from staring so long without blinking and I reached up to rub at the corners, already feeling exhausted. With a glance at the clock, I cursed beneath my breath. Matt would be here soon and I still needed to shave my legs. There was no use dwelling on this issue tonight.

I scooped up the things he'd sent me and tossed them back in the package before hurrying to my bedroom. Beneath my bed, the box of twisted momentos I had been keeping was pulled out and I quickly tossed the photo and deposit slip inside before dumping the package into the trash. For some stupid reason, I kept the bow.

Why was I holding onto things like they had sentimental value when in reality, they were just fucked up? It didn't make a bit of sense but throwing it away seemed...wrong for some reason.

I kicked the box back under the bed and peeled my shirt off, tossing it into the hamper behind my door. There was just enough time to hastily shave my legs before Matt came over and I didn't want to worry about stubble our first time having sex.

I just wanted one night to be normal for once.

In record time, my legs were shaved with only two nicks that I quickly washed and dried with my towel. By the time I was dressed in a pair of my nicer pajama pants and a tank top, my phone was ringing from the kitchen.

I hurried across the apartment and picked up the device, turning it to stare at the number on the screen. Local. Unsaved.

My stomach hit the floor as my heart pounded in my throat. I darted my eyes to the clock and shook my head. No. There was no way I was going to deal with this when Matt was almost here! But I knew if I didn't answer, he would just keep calling or worse-show up!

I smashed my thumb into the answer button and put the phone to my ear. Before I could answer, he was speaking.

"Good evening, Natalie."

I sighed and made sure he could hear exactly how irritated I was in it. "I don't have time for this."

"Oh?" There was humor dripping from his tone as if he were trying not to laugh as he spoke. "What could possibly be more important than this?"

"As if I'd tell you."

The laugh he was holding back came out and I rolled my eyes. "You know you have no secrets with me, Natalie. Let me guess," he cleared his throat and I could just imagine the teasing look in his eyes. "It has something to do with a certain Matthew Hawthorne."

The way he said Matt's name made me bristle and I put my hand down on the kitchen counter. My eyes glanced to the window across the room and I wondered if he was staring into my apartment right now. Of course, he wouldn't see much aside from my blinds and curtains but for some reason, I just knew he was close to me right now.

"Leave him alone," I said through clenched teeth. "He hasn't done anything to you."

"Yes, he has ."

"I swear to god if you don't leave him alone-"

"It's a little personal, you see. He's-ah, taken something of mine and I want it back."

Ice seeped slowly into my veins and I took my bottom lip between my teeth. That something was me and I didn't know how to feel about him wanting me back. A part of me-the part I hated the most-was excited. The feeling lasted for a split second, just a trickle of electric heat jolting through me, and I quickly pushed it down and focused more on my anger.

"I am not yours," I snarled. Before I could say anything else, a knock at the door made me suck in a breath and I spun to stare at it. My heart was in my throat, beating fast against the back of my tongue and making me feel sick.

At my ear, Joker's voice was low and a deep rumble that made me squeeze my eyes shut tight. "Oh, I wonder who that could be."

Slowly, I tiptoed to the door and ducked to peek through the peephole. The sight of Matt's familiar frame pulled a breath of relief from my throat and I quickly spun away from the door, crossing back into the kitchen so I could speak again. "I'm warning you-"

His laugh cut my words off and I glanced worriedly back at the door. Before Joker could say anything else, I put my phone to my chest and called out to Matt. "Just a sec!"

"I like this feisty side of you, sweetheart," Joker said as I lifted the phone back to my ear. "It, uh, really gets me going."

"I have to go."

"Not just yet. I have a proposition for you." Every syllable and emphasis on his words made the jolts of heat fire through me and I cursed every one of them. It wasn't fair.

"I'm not interested," I mumbled. The feistiness in me was fading fast and replaced with the anxiety and need to end this call now.

Joker sighed, though there was no irritation in the sound. It was a gesture to frustrate me even more than I already was and it worked. "Well, I suppose I could always stop by and change your mind. But I'm sure your new beau might get jealous if he sees the way you look at me."

"God, you're so annoying," I breathed, spinning on my heel to face the door once more. This wasn't ideal but if I wanted to prevent Matt and Joker from ever being in the same room with one another, then I had to do this. "Just hang on."

I reached for the doorknob, twisted it, and threw it open to Matt's smiling face. He held up a bag of takeout and I grinned. The smell of greasy noodles and vegetables made my stomach grumble, but I couldn't eat just yet. Not until I dealt with a certain problem chuckling in my ear.

As Matt stepped into my apartment, I pointed to my phone and mouthed mom, hoping he bought it. Then again, why would he not? With a nod, he put a finger to his lips and set the bag of food down on the table while I high tailed it to the bathroom. Shutting both my bedroom door and the bathroom as I hurried inside, I sighed and dropped down onto the edge of the tub.

"Let's make this quick."

"Mm," he hummed, the sound making me bite my lip. "It's more enjoyable if we take our time."

Fuck, why did he have to say things like that? I leaned forward and put my head in my hands as I propped my elbows onto my knees. "I just want to have a normal night for once. So please, just tell me what you want so I can hang up on you."

"Fine. As much as I adore chasing you through the city, hunting you down and dragging you from the hotel rooms you hide from me in, I thought I'd take a different approach this time." He paused, probably for dramatic effect, and just as I opened my mouth to tell him to spit it out, he spoke. "I want to show you something."

His words surprised me. I sat up and stared at the bathroom sink across from me cluttered with all of my makeup and toiletries. "Show me what?"

"It's a surprise. Friday at nine."

"I have plans."

"And now you have other plans. Don't make me come find you, Natalie. You know better than to think you can hide from me."

Yes, I definitely knew better. Even locked away in Arkham, he somehow knew where I was, knew where I'd be. The thought of him stalking me should have disturbed me, but it no longer had the same effect on me. Sure, the sinking dread was still there but so was something else. Almost like I was starting to like being chased. I rolled my eyes and stared up at the ceiling.

"If I do this, will we be even?"

"Far from it. But I might knock a few dollars off of your debt." He paused to chuckle softly, the sound deep and warm and filled with wicked things that made that twisted side of me come back to life. "Maybe you can figure out a way to knock a few more off."

"Ugh, you're a prick."

"And yet," he said with a smack of his lips that brought visions of his bright, slick tongue into my head. "You can't stop thinking about me, can you, Natalie?"

I swallowed tightly and gripped the edge of the tub beneath me. He didn't wait for my answer, didn't really need to. Somehow, he already knew it.

"Tell me," he started, taking a breath. I closed my eyes, bracing myself for whatever he was about to say. "When he touches you, do you think of me? Do you pretend it's my fingers between your legs, making you quiver, making you come?"

My jaw dropped and the sound I let out was one that I knew would delight him. I couldn't stop it though. It just tumbled from my throat, somewhere between a gasp and a moan and the sound of his throaty laugh on the other end filled me with frustration and insatiable desire. When I spoke, my voice was trembling. "That...that is none of your business."

Again, he hummed in the back of his throat and I shut my eyes tight as my ears buzzed from it. My body reacted as if he were standing in the same room and it left me breathless. "That's where you're wrong, sweetheart. See you Friday. Oh, and, uh, wear that dress. You know the one."

The call ended, leaving me sitting on the edge of my tub, the phone still attached to my ear as I tried to catch my breath. All I had wanted was one night-one damn night to have a semblance of normalcy in my life. I just wanted to eat takeout, watch a movie, and fool around with the guy I was seeing.

And here, I was instead, hiding in the bathroom, unable to stand because my knees were too weak. Slowly, the phone lowered and I set it in my lap as I took just a minute to sit there and catch my breath.

Why did he have to do this to me?

Why did I have to like it? Even though I tried so hard to resist, tried so hard to tell myself that this wasn't happening again, that I could be different this time, I knew it was a lie. I lied to my friends, to Matt, to myself. And the one person who could see through all my lies was the one person I hated the most.

Furiously, I wiped at my eyes and stood from the tub. I wasn't going to let him stop me from having a normal night. No matter how I still trembled from his words, no matter how that heat had now started to sizzle in my lower belly, I wasn't going to let it stop me from just enjoying tonight. Tomorrow...I'd figure out what the hell I was going to do.

.

.

Despite it being the middle of December, I was sweltering. It had been so long since I slept next to another person that I hadn't expected to sweat like this. And it wasn't exactly because of Matt. He was warm beneath the duvet, but nowhere near what I was experiencing.

An hour or so after he had drifted off, I was still awake, staring up at the dark ceiling of my bedroom, listening to the sounds of the city, and begging for them to drown out my thoughts. It didn't work.

I kicked the sheets from my legs and glanced at Matt's sleeping face. He laid flat on his back, face pointed up and his lips parted slightly for his even, slow breathing. It was strange. I was a stomach sleeper but felt like I didn't have enough room to stretch my legs out with him in the bed as well, even though he didn't take up much space at all.

Biting my lip, I shifted my hips on the bed and slowly sat up. I needed some cold water to drink, maybe splash some on my face as well. The longer I laid there, the worse I felt. Not because I was so hot my entire body was covered in a thin sheen of sweat, but because in the silence and darkness of the room, I couldn't think of anyone but him.

His words had gotten to me, had put things in my head and I hated him for it. I hated that even hours after he had hung up the phone, I could still hear those sounds he made, the hums and sighs and laughter that curled my toes and infuriated me all at the same time. Somehow, I had managed to bury the memories of them deep inside while Matt and I were having sex, but I knew they were still there.

And it's not like it was bad sex. It was good.

It was cathartic.

However, I had never worked so hard for an orgasm in my life. But I had to. I couldn't let Joker be the last man to make me come. I had to prove to myself that I could want something else-someone else other than him. And despite what he had said on the phone earlier, I hadn't thought of him.

It would be so satisfying to tell him that. I almost couldn't wait to see the look on his face. Would he be furious or brush it aside like it was nothing?

Standing in the kitchen, in just my panties, my imagination wandered a bit too far and I found myself imagining him here now. In my sleep-deprived fantasy, he'd be furious, jealous and pacing and I'd stand there, half-naked, and just laugh.

Laughing would only make him angrier and he'd storm across the kitchen to stand before me, tower over me, and try to be frightening.

Or would he take a different approach? I sipped from the glass of water I had poured for myself and stared at the kitchen table, picturing Joker standing there just behind the chair. I could almost see the dark look in his eyes as he stared at me, watching me, never letting it waver as he came closer.

In this fantasy, he wasn't jealous...he was determined.

He knew there was nothing to be jealous of. He knew what I truly wanted.

I blinked quickly and turned to the sink, shaking the thoughts from my head. They refused to leave and an all new fever settled through me that had nothing to do with the temperature. It spiked white-hot as I imagined Joker moving closer behind me, so close that I could feel the brush of his jacket across the back of my thighs.

Even now, alone and in the darkness of the kitchen, I sucked in a breath and closed my eyes as the fantasy shifted. His hands would move toward me, grip me by the hips and bring me back against him to let me feel exactly what I truly wanted from him.

I pulled my hair to one side and settled it on my shoulder, imagining it was his fingers that brushed across the damp skin at the nape of my neck. My breath was shaky, coming out in quick puffs and I bit my lip as the heat pooling in my belly sank lower, settling between my legs with an ache that I thought had been relieved earlier.

No.

This was what he wanted.

This was not what I wanted!

I opened my eyes and stared down at the glass of water in my hands. I put it to my lips and downed the rest of it in one gulp, hoping it would extinguish the flames inside me. Frantically, I fanned my face and took several deep, calming breaths.

This was stupid. I had a gorgeous man in my bed who had done his job well hours ago. Standing here, lost to my fantasies of another man was absurd. Squaring my shoulders, I turned to face the bedroom door and figured, if I couldn't sleep, if I couldn't get these incessant thoughts from my head, then I'd just have to wake him up to distract myself.

Even as I walked across the room, my eyes glanced to the spot I had imagined Joker standing in and tried to picture him watching me leave him behind but he followed along. The image of him burned into my mind carried into the bedroom, following me like a ghost, watching as I crawled back into the bed and straddled Matt's lap.

He blinked himself awake and looked up at me in surprise. "Hey," he whispered softly.

I shook the hair from my face and leaned down to press a kiss to his mouth. When his hands slid up the curve of my thigh and over my hip, I smiled and pulled the sheet out from between us. Matt sat up and slipped a hand between us, searching for the waistband of my panties.

The back of his knuckles brushed against my lower belly, but more specifically, right over the faint, J-shaped scar that only I knew about. My eyes snapped open and I felt my entire body grow still. But it didn't matter, Matt was already taking the lead.

He sat up, our chests pressing together, and stretched a hand up my spine, over the damp skin of my neck and into my hair. By now, he had managed to pull my panties to the side and brought me down onto him. I sucked in a breath and turned my head to lay it on his shoulder.

I stared at the spot in the center of my bedroom where I imagined Joker would be standing. In the shadows and darkness of the room, I could practically feel him watching me. My lips parted and eyes shut and my imagination took control.

The hands gently guiding my hips back and forth turned rough and calloused in my mind and I gasped. I buried my face in Matt's shoulder and took a deep breath, wanting the sharp scent of fire and gasoline to burn the back of my throat. And when I pulled away just enough to press my cheek against his, listening to the ragged breath at my ear, I could almost feel the bumps and ridges of scars.


.