Professor Severus Snape hated summer. He hated the heat. He hated living in his house at Spinner's End. He hated the idle time. It was not due to lack of imagination of how to fill this idle time that he hated it. He researched and improved potions and spells. He read copiously. And he spent a good deal of time maintaining his balance on the ambivalent knife between Lord Voldemort and Albus Dumbledore.
It was this last project that exacerbated his hatred of the summer holidays. They were long enough for him to become bored and begin to contemplate how precarious his balance was on that knife's edge. During the school year, he had enough extra work at Hogwarts that he did not have time to think about his double life. He also had plenty of people around on whom to sharpen his wit and relieve his often gloomy temper. He did, of course, hate being around people too. If it were up to him, he would choose solitude over company. Unfortunately, when he was alone it was all too easy to fall into ruminating about his past. Thinking about how he had come to this point in his life was dangerous and interrupted his focus. And he needed to stay focused on the task at hand.
That evening, Severus was striding irritably away from Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, half wondering if he should have stayed for dinner. The smell of Molly Weasley's cooking had made him realize that he actually was hungry. He hadn't had a proper meal since the feast at Hogwarts two days earlier. He often forgot to eat during the holidays, yet another reason he hated them. He supposed he should return home and wondered if he had any food in the house. It was late enough that the horrid Tesco on Main Street would be the only option for supplies. He detested the place due to its obnoxious size and overwhelming amount of merchandise. Why muggles required twenty-five choices for mustard he would never understand. With that in mind, he decided that he would rather take the risk of going hungry and wait for Reed and Bell's on River Lane to open in the morning. Surely he had a tin or two of something in the pantry and, either way, he had his potions to distract him. He was working on an universal anti-venom. Considering the amount of time that he was spending with Nagini, he liked to be prepared.
His mind returned to debating the amount of unicorn horn he should add to the anti-venom as he silently stepped into the next dark alley to Apparate back to Spinner's End. He glanced around to ensure he was alone and, almost immediately, he realized he was not.
"Just play along," said a female voice with a distinctly American accent.
In the next instant, the owner of the voice had wrapped her arms around Severus's neck and was kissing him thoroughly. He inhaled sharply and his hands snapped to her shoulders with the intention of pulling her away from him. However, in the brief time it took for his hands to reach her, part of his mind had registered that her kiss was the perfect balance of tease and promise. If it had been an age since Severus had eaten, it had been an eon since he had been kissed. The less rational part of his brain began to demand control and his hands slid down to explore the exquisite curve of her waist.
She released his mouth and trailed her soft lips across his cheek to his ear.
"Kiss my neck," she ordered throatily and Severus found that he was only too happy to comply. She rewarded him with a delightful sound rather like a purr.
"Good…" she murmured. "Now, when I count to three, you get down and stay there."
Severus's rational mind attempted to assert itself. "Who in the name of Merlin…" he hissed, but she cut him off, suddenly focusing her attention entirely on something else.
"One…two….three," she counted in a tone that left no room for argument.
Severus had been in enough strange situations throughout the course of his life that he knew when it was time to debate and when it was time to obey and question later. His instincts told him that this was one of the latter occasions, so he ducked and the woman neatly vaulted over him. He whirled around as quickly as possible while still crouching, feeling like a complete idiot. His eyes widened slightly as he saw a creature, fangs and claws bared, flying at the wild woman.
Vampire, his mind supplied as he reached for his wand. Before he could bring it into play, the woman and the monster met in mid-air. There was a sickening thud, the two landed, and Severus found himself covered from head to foot in ash and blood.
"Ugh!" grunted the woman, scrambling to her feet and pulling her own wand out of her soot and blood covered tunic. "I hate it when that happens! It must have just fed. When they're dry, you just get covered in the ash. Much more pleasant."
She sounded cheerful, as though she were discussing gardening rather than monster killing. She conjured a box from thin air and with a flick of her wand began blowing all of the ash into it. The task took long enough for Severus to realize that he was still crouching on the ground like a fool and that he still had not drawn his wand.
What is wrong with me tonight? he wondered.
She snapped the box shut and concealed it with another wand flick. "Tergeo," she said lazily, passing her wand over the street and the walls of the buildings. The vampire blood flew into it like a fountain in reverse. When she finished, she returned her wand to some interior pocket, and offered Severus a grime-covered hand. He took it, a bit stupidly, and rose to his feet.
"Sorry about that sir. I usually work alone, but you were in the right place at the right time. Thanks for being a good sport," she said politely.
Anger flooded into him, displacing his confusion and he glared at the strange woman. What the hell was she playing at?
"Not at all," he said caustically. "I can think of no better way to spend the evening than covered in gore."
She did not seem disturbed by either his glare or his tone.
"Me either," she quipped back, rummaging in a pocket. Eventually she found what she was looking for and removed what appeared to be a palm-sized diary. "This is a port-key," she went on, snapping it open. "I think we should head somewhere more….ah…private so that we can deal with this mess."
"There is no 'we,'" he snapped. "And you must be completely mad if you think that I am going anywhere with you."
She smiled at him, but her tone was firm. "I'm afraid I have to insist. You're covered in vampire ash. I'm sure you're a very competent wizard, but I have to collect all of the ash and bury it within three days or the vampire will rise again. Then I'd be back to square one and very irritated to boot. It's not the sort of job I can entrust to a civilian." She eyed him and asked, "You don't have a wife or someone at home waiting for you, do you?"
If possible, his glare became even blacker. "No," he answered tersely.
"Good. That makes things easier." She looked up at the moon and then back at him. "Listen, I'd love to stand here arguing with you all night, but there's a No-Maj cop due to come 'round on his beat in about five minutes and I'd rather not have to obliviate him."
"You don't appear to speak English. What are you talking about?"
"A policeman. He's on his rounds." She gave Severus an exasperated look. "What if I make a show of good will? Here." She drew her wand and his hand flew to his pocket.
"Whoa, steady there," she said, a note of laughter in her voice. "I'm trying to impress upon you that I'm not going to hurt you. At least, not at this particular moment." She tossed her wand lightly in the air to flip it around and offered it to him, handle first. "Now, will you come? Surely you're not afraid of little ol' me."
Even in the shadows, Severus could see that her eyes were twinkling with mirth. His lips were still tingling from her kiss and he had to admit that his evening had become much more interesting than it had been twenty minutes earlier.
"I can't imagine being afraid of a mad-woman such as you," he said silkily, taking her wand and putting it in his pocket.
"You'll learn," she bantered, holding out the port-key again. "Shall we?"
"Very well, but I will do the counting this time."
Her smile returned. "You probably like to be on top, too."
His eyebrows went up at that. "My, you are vulgar, aren't you?" he commented dryly.
"Only some of the time," she replied easily. "The rest of the time I'm a perfect lady. On three?"
He found himself suddenly very curious to know how she believed a lady behaved. His eyes glittered at her and he counted, "One…two…three."
They touched the port-key together and the world spun away into darkness.
