Chapter 4
The Power Of Goodbye
28 ABY
Eclipse Station, Deep Core
Anakin lay on his back on his bed, his head in Younger Tahiri's lap, his legs across Older Tahiri's. It was yet another experience in surrealism, but he was starting to get used to it, and wondered how he would adapt to having only one Tahiri again. At least he wouldn't have to listen to them lecture him in unison anymore; that had to be a good thing.
He glanced up at the chrono on his desk; ten more minutes 'til evening meal; it was time for Older Tahiri to say good-bye for good.
Taking a deep breath, Older Tahiri rubbed Anakin's shin, then lifted his legs off her own and stood up, stretching, and Anakin idly wondered if that was a nervous gesture; did flow-walkers need to stretch?
She turned to face the bed and Anakin stood to join her and, ignoring the awkwardness, wrapped her in a tight hug. She melted into him and he tucked her head under his chin, swaying slightly as he stroked her hair. After a moment, he pulled back and placed a long, chaste kiss on her lips, then lifted his mouth and kissed her scarred forehead.
Looking deep into her eyes, he said, "Thank you. I really can't think of anything else to say, except maybe, I know he loves you, and I know he's going to be very happy to see you when this is all done."
She smiled slightly. "I hope you're right. He's going to be so upset with some of the stuff I've done."
Shaking his head, Anakin said, "He understands… and he's already forgiven you."
"Thank you. You're not my Anakin, but you're a wonderful man, and I'm really grateful that we've had this time together."
"Me too. For more than just the obvious reasons."
Younger Tahiri stood up to join them and her older self turned to face her, then hugged her hard and sighed again before stepping back and cupping her face.
"Remember; there is no right or wrong choice, only the one you can live with."
Younger Tahiri burst into tears and wrapped her arms back around Older Tahiri, holding her so tight Anakin thought she'd crush her. Older Tahiri stroked her head and rubbed her back before pulling away again and forcing Younger Tahiri to look back up.
"You are far stronger than you think, and you are going to have to be far stronger than that, but you'll be okay, no matter what choice you make. I know it."
"Okay."
"Now, have a good life. If I run into you again and you've kriffed this up we're going to have words."
Younger Tahiri snorted a laugh, causing Older Tahiri to laugh with her, and they both made slightly helpless gestures. Anakin watched them, wondering how strange this must be. How does one say goodbye to oneself?
Stepping back from them, Older Tahiri tilted her head slightly to one side and smiled. "Goodbye Anakin and Tahiri. May the Force be with you both."
"May the Force be with you too," they whispered back, but before they had finished, she was gone.
The sudden silence was deafening, until Tahiri burst into sobs again, and Anakin reached over and pulled her body into his, holding her tightly until she calmed down.
When she was almost quiet he asked; "Are you going to tell me what that was all about?"
Looking up at him, Tahiri traced a line across his forehead, moving the lock of hair that was hanging over his eye. "Not yet. I need to go to my room and meditate for a while."
"No evening meal?"
"No. Go ahead without me. I'll see you at the meeting."
"Why am I suddenly feeling nervous?"
Taking a deep breath and chuckling softly, Tahiri answered. "That's the dumbest question you've asked me in ages."
Anakin looked out at the faces of the strike team members, the older Jedi, his parents, Lando, Tendra, all gathered around him in the great meeting hall... contemplating how to begin. If he started off too heavy handed he risked alienating some of the team, if he was too soft, appeared to be asking them to obey, he risked losing their respect.
There was that word again.
Taking a deep breath, he turned back to the holodisplay behind him and stared at the sea of stars and the Fleet ships strategically placed around the galaxy, showing where the various battles were being waged, what sectors the Vong had control of. It was a disheartening sight, but offered a glimpse of reality he hoped wasn't lost on his audience.
Pointing to where they would be heading, he began; "We know that the transfer will happen somewhere near Obroa-skai. Hopefully, we'll only be held by the Vong for two to three days before we are able to take the ship.
Turning back to the assemblage, he continued. "With the information that Tahiri has been able to give us, we have a fairly good understanding of what we may be in for during that time, though nothing is certain. What is certain is that this is a dangerous mission. Perhaps the most dangerous mission that any Jedi of our generation, or the one before us, has undertaken.
"As with all missions, things are going to go wrong, things will happen that we cannot possibly plan for. For this reason, we have leaders. For this reason, we choose one person to make choices in times of uncertainty. For this mission, I am that person, so I ask you, and you must ask yourself; do you trust me?"
Anakin paused to look a few of the team members in the eye; Raynar, Ganner, Zekk, his brother.
"I am the person who came up with the idea, approved the final plans, okayed the minor details. I decided who would participate and what their roles would be. I am in command.
"For the next several days, I am nobody's little brother, I am nobody's friend, I am nobody's boyfriend. I am not the guy you went to the academy with, or the guy you eat midday meal with. I am your team leader and what I say goes. If there is a decision to be made, I make it. If there is a question to be answered, I answer it, and if I want your opinion, I'll ask for it. If, for any reason you think, suspect, or have thought, that you may not be able to jump when I say jump, now is the time to speak up. If between now and the time that the transfer actually takes place, I feel, for any reason, that your presence will hinder the success of this mission in any way, I will not hesitate to leave you behind."
Pausing again to gauge everyone's reactions, Anakin was interested to find that the person most intrigued by his speech so far was Mara, and the one most dismayed was Luke. He doubted his uncle had ever laid down the law like this before a mission; his pre-briefs had likely all consisted of 'okay guys, lets go get the baddies'. He was probably being slightly unfair, but he was feeling woefully under prepared and since Luke was his Master, he found himself fighting an internal battle to not find a little fault there.
Focusing again on the group, he continued, "I want you to look around at what you see, who you see. Not your friends, but your fellow Jedi, and I want you to think about this; we may not all be coming home. When we are out there alone, with no back up, and no hope of anyone swooping in to rescue us, if someone questions my authority, or causes us to stop and debate an action, the chances of one of us falling increases. Every time we waver, or falter, we up the odds of failure. So I ask again; do you trust me? Do you trust my judgment and ability to lead this mission?"
The room was tense and deathly silent, and Anakin felt, thankfully, that what he was saying, the points he was trying to make, were beginning to sink in.
"You may not always agree with or understand my orders, you don't have to. Your responsibility, your only responsibility is to follow.
"I may make mistakes, although I highly doubt it." This brought a nervous laugh and he smiled, knowing he had to sound more like his father than ever. "But the question isn't whether I will make a mistake, the question is whether you are able to put your egos aside and do as you are told.
"Here is another issue that you need to get straight in your heads and in your hearts: I had Tahiri explain in graphic detail the conditions we will likely find on the World Ship for a very specific reason; you can not be so shocked by what you see that you are unable to perform your job. There will be slaves and prisoners of war all around us, there may even be other Force sensitives held specifically for the purpose of training the Voxyn. There will be thousands of beings who could benefit greatly from our help.
"We will not be giving it to them.
"We can't. There are seventeen of us, seventeen of us who are relying on our brains, luck and the Force to get through the next two weeks alive.
"If we manage that, then we will be able to rescue others, we will be able to fight the Vong in other places, in other ways, without the fear of the Voxyn stalking us. If we fail in this mission, not only will we be of no use to those aboard that World Ship, but we'll be of no use to the rest of the beings of this galaxy. We won't be around to guide or to lead or to fight. We won't be around to help anyone.
"If we focus, if we use the meld wisely, if we are in harmony with the Force and with each other, we can do this. If we aren't, if we squabble and allow petty differences and distrust to rule our actions, we will fail, we will die, and the Voxyn will continue to hunt the people we love."
Anakin was shoving the last of his things into a duffle bag to store on the Falcon when he felt Tahiri coming down the hall, then heard his door hiss open and her slip into his room.
She'd been quiet since this afternoon, since before Older Tahiri had left. At first he thought she was sad that the other woman was leaving, knowing that once she was gone it was only a matter of hours before she would die. But as the day, and then the evening had worn on he'd realized that something else was going on, she wasn't just 'quiet', she was quiet in the Force, quiet in their bond.
Turning around and sitting on the edge of the bed, he held his arms out to her and she slipped between his knees, hugging his head to her chest. She stroked his hair, kissed the top of his head, and then pulled back and looked down at him, a small sad smile on her lips. She cupped his face and ran her thumbs over his cheekbones.
"Tell me." He said it softly, but with every expectation of being answered immediately.
She nodded and began to cry silently, then whispered, "I'm so sorry, Anakin. I don't know how it happened." He watched as she took his hand from where it rested on her hip and placed it low on her abdomen and opened back up to him. She reached out through their bond and guided him in, showing him what she couldn't bring herself to say out loud.
He looked back up, speechless with shock. They stared at each other for a long moment before Tahiri finally sniffed and began to explain.
"She told me this afternoon. She didn't realize until the morning of the transfer. She didn't tell her Anakin, she was afraid it would distract him, she was afraid… of everything. And she's always regretted not telling him."
Closing his eyes, he let his shoulders sink forward, and rested the crown of his head against Tahiri's stomach. "There is no right or wrong choice, only the one you can live with," he echoed, remembering Older Tahiri's cryptic comment from earlier. He took a deep breath and looked back up. "Thank you for telling me."
"How could I not?" She whispered through more tears.
"She didn't."
"I'd like to think I've gained some wisdom through her mistakes."
"You obviously have. I think we both have." After a moment he worked up the nerve to ask; "What happened to their baby?"
Tahiri wiped the tears from her cheeks, she'd cried more in the last four days than in the rest of the years he'd known her combined. "She miscarried on Borealis. With everything else going on, no one noticed."
No one noticed.
The words sank like a chunk of duracrete to the pit of his stomach as they continued to stare at each other. Finally, Anakin scooted over on the bed, and pulled Tahiri down to lie next to him, then he slid down her body, pushed up her shirt, and rested his head over where their child lay.
"He's so small, but so bright."
"I know; he's tiny. I guess that's why she didn't feel him until after they left."
"And that's why she kept closing herself off to the meld when they were trying to break her."
"Yeah. She said that she thought the only reason he didn't pick up on it was that he was so distracted, but in the meld, if she lost control or let herself slip… she was afraid of what her Anakin would do if he felt him."
Anakin pushed the all too familiar image of Tahiri being held under a Voxyn out of his mind. Imaginary or not, it had been haunting him for days, but now…
Scooting back up so he could look into her eyes, he placed his fingers under her chin and lifted her face, but she refused to meet his gaze.
"Tahiri…"
"Don't say it."
"You can't go with me."
"I know." She sobbed out.
He held her to him, stroking her hair, letting her pour out all her fear and frustration, knowing he could do nothing to help her but hold her. Knowing he could only hold her for a few more hours.
When she could finally speak again she asked, "What are we going to do?" Anakin didn't answer right away so she continued; "of all the times for you to be quiet, this is not a good one. I need you to talk to me."
"Well," he began, "it's not like we weren't already going to do this, we're just on an accelerated schedule now."
"Accelerated schedule?" she barked out.
"Hey; you're the one who wanted an answer right away. If you'd given me a minute I might have had time to come up with something better."
"I'm being serious."
"So am I." After a moment he tried again. "Okay, look at me and I'll tell you what we're going to do." She did as he said, and he kissed her nose, then wiped her tears away. "You are going to stay here and keep our son safe, because it might have been the strain of the mission that caused her to lose her baby. I'm going to go and get rid of this kriffing voxyn, and then I'm going to come back and we're going to get married, in a way that is acceptable to both you and my family, just like we planned, and we're going to live happily ever after."
"Says the son of a princess."
"That wasn't the right answer either?"
"Sweet, just not very practical. There's a galactic war going on. I've religiously taken birth control meds, but I'm magically pregnant, and you're talking about 'accelerated schedules' and unrealistic happy endings."
"It's the will of the Force? Hey… Will is a good name."
Tahiri's mouth fell open. "You're Space Happy."
"I'm in love."
Throwing Anakin's arm off of her waist, Tahiri stood up in frustration and began to pace in front of the bed. She stopped as he sat up, then grabbed her head, running her fingers through her hair and squeezing, as though she thought she could dig into her own brain and pull the answers she was looking for out of there. She finally gave up, and moaned before looking Anakin in the eye again.
"You may have cracked under the strain of preparing for a mission you may not come back from and I've never been so scared in my life. Will you please tell me what we're really going to do."
"We are going to have a baby."
"Yes, Anakin, we've covered that part."
"Need I remind you that…"
"Oh brother," Tahiri sighed, dropping her hands to her hips and rolling her eyes. "Why should tonight be any different than the last few hundred?"
Anakin chuckled before continuing, "that mutual agreement of two participants over the age of fourteen is all that is required for legality of matrimony in forty-two percent of New Republic star systems, my darling wife."
"That's very cute and romantic when you're trying to get my clothes off," Anakin bit down on his lower lip to hold in his laughter, but any humor he felt wilted when Tahiri glared at him. "But," she continued, a fair amount of venom in her voice, "since your family doesn't come from any of those forty-two percent they aren't going to agree and still doesn't answer my question. And I like that you've already chosen his name, my adored husband."
"Technicality. And what's wrong with Will Solo?"
"If we really believed that it was just a matter of a technicality we wouldn't be maintaining the innocent boyfriend-girlfriend façade for your family. They're going to hate me for doing this to you. And there's nothing wrong with Will, I'd just like to have been consulted in the decision. And why isn't Veila in there?"
"What's important is that we believe it. Will Veila Solo…" he mused. "That's a lot of L's but if it makes you happy, I'm good. And they will not hate you. They may be upset in the beginning…" At her look he amended that comment. "Okay, they'll go nova, but what difference does it make? What are they going to do? Ground me? Put me on curfew? Take my X-wing away? I can only fight in space battles before evening meal, and with no more than two hundred coral skippers? Forbid me from spending time in your room? That'd be like closing the hangar door after the squadron's broken atmosphere. Of course, my punishment wouldn't be instituted until after I'm back from commanding a mission behind enemy lines."
Tahiri stared at Anakin. She was probably in shock, that may have been the most words he'd said in a row in all the years that she'd known him. And he wasn't even done.
"The point is they'll get over it eventually, and in the end they will love our son and they will forgive us, and they are all well versed enough in biology to know that you didn't do anything to me, or at least not anything I didn't really, really want you to do."
"Not funny." As the words came out of her mouth, a pillow flew from the end of the bed and hit Anakin in the side of the head.
Suddenly feeling a spike of anger, Anakin stood up and marched the few steps over to her, their height difference forcing Tahiri to lift her chin to continue glaring at him.
"Alright, you want me to be serious?" He whisper-yelled.
"It's about time," she spit back.
"Fine. I'm leaving on a supremely frakked up mission in less than 9 hours and as much as I didn't want you to go, I hate that I have to leave you behind, and the reason I have to leave you behind is because I need you to keep yourself safe because you're carrying my child. I'm going to have to tell my parents that I'm going to be a father, and I'm not going to be able to spend the next couple of weeks with the woman I love while she, and I, deal with the fact that we are going to be parents, years earlier than we planned, during a galactic war against an enemy that is bent on our annihilation, and I'm more frightened than I've ever been in my life. Is that serious enough for you Tahiri?"
Tahiri closed her eyes and nodded miserably. "Yeah."
Anakin sighed and muttered yet another expletive under his breath, then pulled her back over to the bed. They landed in a heap on the mattress, Anakin wrapping his arms and legs around her, pulling her tight against his body, cocooning her with his limbs, protecting her and their baby in the only way he could for the moment.
"Do you trust me?"
Tahiri inhaled sharply, and looked up at him. "Of course."
"Have I ever been wrong."
This time she arched an eyebrow at him. "You've come horrifyingly close more times than I can count."
"But never actually been wrong."
"What's your point?"
"We'll be okay." He said gently.
Tahiri looked at him suspiciously for a moment, but finally nodded then tucked her head back under his chin.
"You have to keep him safe while I'm gone."
"I know."
"And when I get home we'll figure out what we're really going to do, but right now, I have to adjust to the fact that I'm leaving alone in the morning and I need to hold you."
"Okay."
They lay still and quiet for a long time, open to each other in the Force, basking in the comfort they both felt there until Tahiri broke the silence.
"Anakin?" she whispered.
"Yeah?"
"What if it wasn't the mission that caused her to lose the baby?"
Anakin pressed his lips to her forehead again, hoping that the action would distract her from the fact that he wasn't actually responding to her question, because he had thought about that already but hadn't come up with an answer. In truth, he knew next to nothing about human gestation and, despite his earlier statement, couldn't begin to guess whether or not the mission had anything to do with why Older Tahiri had lost her baby, but as soon as he'd felt his son an instinctual urge to protect him, and his current place of residence, had risen in Anakin hard and fast. He'd been searching from the start of the mission planning, in a very conflicted sort of way, for a reason to leave Tahiri behind and this seemed like as good a reason as any, so he'd gone with it. The fact that she hadn't fought him on it told him that they were making the right choice; not just the one they could both live with.
But that still didn't tell him how to answer her. Uncharacteristically, she let it drop, and Anakin was way too smart, and way too well versed in Tahiri, to question his good fortune.
"You know," she whispered, "if you had asked me this morning what the last thing in the galaxy I wanted right now was, a baby would have been pretty close to the top of the list and I've only known about him for a few hours, but I'm already terrified of losing him."
"I know. And as Luke-ish as this sounds…" Tahiri's giggle made Anakin's chest swell, relieving some of the pressure that had begun to build the second he'd felt the tiny glow inside her and realized what it was, what it meant. He buried his nose in her hair, breathing her in, memorizing the smell of her, painfully aware that they were about to be apart for longer than they had been since before her capture.
"As Luke-ish as this sounds…" he finally continued though quieter this time, "all we can do right now is trust in the Force."
"Hmmm. You're right. And it probably seems ridiculous, but I'm already having fantasies about what he'll be like."
"That's funny, I'm having fantasies about little plastaseel hydrospanners and remote control x-wings."
"Why does that not surprise me?"
"Because you know me so well." Anakin paused; then grew serious again. "You're young and healthy and you're not going to be put through what she was, there is no reason to think that the same thing will happen."
Tahiri didn't answer, just nodded her head into his neck and sniffed. A few more minutes passed before she asked, "Anakin?"
"Yes, my love."
"Please, please, come back to us."
"I will. I promise, I will come back to you."
