Chapter 5
If You Could Only See The Way She Loves Me
(Then Maybe You Would Understand)
28 ABY
Eclipse Station, Deep Core
Anakin and Tahiri stood in the hallway leading out to the hangar in silence, hands clasped tightly together. They'd watched the other team members say goodbye to Luke and Mara and Anakin's parents, had watched the other masters leave to go back to their work, had felt everyone wonder where they were.
Anakin had used his commlink moments earlier to notify Luke that the others should board, and that he would be along in a moment. His uncle had been in mid sentence, asking what was going on, when Anakin had cut the transmission and wrapped his arms back around Tahiri.
They'd been up all night, had said everything they could say, had held each other until the very last moment they felt they could get away with, and now here they were; seconds away from saying goodbye.
Anakin took a deep breath, squeezed Tahiri's hand, it felt so small in his, and took the first step into the hangar, pulling her along behind him.
Mara turned around first, her movement alerting the others to his arrival.
"There you are." Lando greeted. "I was beginning to think you'd changed your mind."
"I wish." Han muttered, and Leia leveled him with a sharp look.
"Sorry." Anakin offered, but didn't elaborate.
Releasing Tahiri's hand, he hugged Luke, and kissed Mara's cheek, but didn't say anything to either one of them; he'd already said it all.
Moving to his parents, he wrapped his mother in a tight hug.
She reached up and brushed a hand over his hair, he felt like a lot of people were touching his hair lately, and said; "Be careful, Anakin. You and the twins need to keep each other safe."
It dawned on him that she hadn't mentioned Tahiri, and that no one had commented on her lack of bags, or that she wasn't saying good-bye to anyone, but now wasn't the time to take his mother to task for thinking only of her own children.
"We will mom. I love you."
"I love you too. This is going to be hard, but what you said last night was wonderful and strong, you're a natural leader. You're going to do a great job. I know it."
Feeling suddenly self-conscious at the praise, he ducked his head and moved over to his dad.
Han, as he often used to do during emotional situations, before Chewie, got suddenly very affectionate, and pulled Anakin into a firm hug, then pushed him away and held his shoulders tightly.
"It's not too late to back out, kid."
A stifled sob from Tahiri, standing slightly away from the rest, caused the whole group to jump slightly, and it was only after her whispered, 'sorry' that everyone turned back to father and son.
Han grabbed Anakin's attention again and continued. "I'm proud of you, and I have faith in you. And I'll see you soon."
Anakin nodded, and looked deeply into his father's eyes, could tell by the change in his expression that Han recognized that something was going on, caught the flicker of his father's gaze toward Tahiri and then back to him. Anakin took a breath to steady his nerves and very quietly, but with the force of all the emotion he felt for Tahiri said, "Take care of her, please, until I get back."
Han Solo was not a dumb man, and his son knew that. Anakin read the understanding on his father's face; read that his father knew what this was doing to him, and knew that Han would do as he asked.
Nodding solemnly, he said, "I promise."
"Thank you, Dad. I love you."
"I love you too, son."
As Anakin turned back toward where Tahiri stood, he felt the equivalent of light bulbs finally begin to go on in the Force. His aunt and uncle were beginning to realize; mentally circling what Han had already figured out, but were not quite there. It was no wonder his father had been able to keep up with his all Jedi family so easily for thirty years, despite having no ability to touch the Force himself.
His mother was apparently going to need it spelled out for her.
With a slight tilt of his head, Anakin beckoned Tahiri forward, and wrapped her in another hug. He cradled her head to his chest and closed his eyes as he wished away the agony, then looked over the blonde curls at Luke.
"Tahiri's presence will hinder the success of this mission." He wasn't sure how he made his voice sound so clear and steady. "She's staying behind."
Tahiri began to cry earnestly into Anakin's chest as shock rippled through the Force. Not only were Luke and Mara and his mother stunned by what he'd just said, but Lando stood gaping, as did several of the team members who had come back down the boarding ramp, likely to see what the hold up was, just in time to hear Anakin's announcement. If not for Tahiri's labored breathing, Anakin suspected that he'd have been able to hear a pin hit the hangar floor. Reaching out to her in their bond, he tried to soothe her, at least enough so he could say goodbye without falling apart himself, tried not to think about the fact that these could be the final seconds he ever shared with her.
Turning his head enough to know that he had Jaina, Tesar and Lowie's attention, he barked, "Get back on board, we leave in five."
All three scurried up the ramp, and Anakin suspected that as difficult as this was, his 'decision' to leave Tahiri at Eclipse would go a long way in proving how serious he was about being listened to. It might even help save both their lives.
Pulling on the Force to steady his emotions, to prepare himself to see the pain and fear in her eyes, Anakin leaned back and cupped Tahiri's face, bringing her mouth up to meet his. He brushed his lips against hers gently, then felt her hands slide up his chest, slip around his neck, and wind up to the back of his head, pulling him down forcefully, and he almost forgot that his parents were behind her, but then decided he didn't care. So what if they'd rarely seen him and Tahiri so much as hold hands, so what if they had no idea what was really going on? Why should he let that stop him from kissing her goodbye, really kissing her goodbye?
The need for air, and not any desire to appease his apoplectic mother, forced him to pull away far enough to move his lips to her forehead, then he tucked her hair behind her ears and bent his knees enough for them to be eye level and quietly said, "I have to go."
Tahiri nodded and slid her hands back down, nervously pulling on the zipper of Anakin's flightsuit.
"You're going to come back," she whispered.
"I'm going to come back," he whispered in return.
"And we're going to be okay."
"And we're going to be okay."
Anakin leaned in and kissed her again, and smiled against her lips when he felt the reaction from his mother, and then the reaction from his father; apparently dad was feeling somewhat proud. Mom… not so much.
Straightening back up and stepping away slowly, Anakin pulled Tahiri's hand up to his mouth and kissed her palm. Suddenly, covering every inch of her that he could reach with his mouth didn't seem like a bad idea.
"I love you."
More ripples in the Force.
Really? Anakin thought. With a kiss like that, they didn't see that coming?
"I love you too, Anakin." She answered, and then mouthed, "may the Force be with you."
Anakin closed his eyes, pushed his pain aside, and reached out and touched their son - briefly, lightly, nothing that anyone but her would feel, then shook his head slightly, turned around, and marched toward the boarding ramp.
When he was half way up she called out his name, trying, he could tell, to hide the desperation in her voice.
Ducking back down, Anakin leaned out, giving her a questioning look.
"Forty-two," she called out.
A broad grin spread across his face, making Tahiri gasp in pleasure, and he could tell she was glad that she'd made the small gesture. Glad that she hadn't made Older Tahiri's mistake.
"Forty-two, my love, forty-two."
He felt the waves of agony wash over Tahiri as the thrusters on the Lady Luck engaged, felt her physical pain as the vessel lifted off the ground.
Making his way to the nearest viewport, he watched as his father stepped to Tahiri's side and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, lowering his mouth to her ear and whispering, and he prayed that his father wouldn't break his promise.
Solo Family Tent, Refugee Camp, Hapes
4 Days after the Fall of Coruscant.
Tahiri sat on a cot in the corner of the tent, propped up against the canvas wall, knees drawn up to her chest.
She was listening to Jaina and Jacen tearfully recount the mission for Anakin's parents. For his aunt and uncle.
Again.
So many things had gone right this time, different from Older Tahiri's time.
They had altered so much with their actions.
It wasn't Ulaha who had taken the coufee in the back during the transfer, it had been Tesar, and he'd walked it off.
It hadn't been Eryl who had taken the thud bug in the face, it had been Jovan, Eryl was somewhere in the refugee encampment with the other survivors.
There were a lot more survivors this time. Anakin had been an excellent leader.
He had held the group together, through the pain and the fear, through the uncertainty and fatigue.
They had felt Lomi and Welk early on, and Anakin had made a few of them, Zekk included, concentrate on the calls until he recognized his former Shadow Academy class mate, then the team had steered clear.
They'd landed closer to the Tachyon Flier this time, Anakin having claimed that he 'had a feeling' about it as they were heading in. Since it was well known that Anakin could 'feel' machinery, no one questioned him. They'd reached the craft on the morning of their second day on the worldship and Anakin had assigned Jaina, Lowie and Zekk the task of making it space worthy. It had kept them out of the fight for a while, but ultimately, Anakin had said, they were doing what was needed for the good of the team.
In a moment that Jaina and Jacen described in halting wonderment and confusion, they hadn't understood it then, and never would, Anakin had leapt across three team members, tackled Alema, pinned her to the ground with his elbow to her chest and, using her longblaster, which was still attached to the strap slung around her body, blew Vergere to a puff of feathers.
Anakin's actions stunned the entire team, none more so than Alema, and his exuberance was lost on everyone, but when, hours later, he was able to point to the pattern of tracking behavior by Nom Anor and the warriors when they had Vergere with them, compared to after, they had all seen that they were having a much easier time of it after.
No one understood why, but once again, Anakin was a genius.
Day three on the worldship was rough. They were tired, they were hungry, and Nom Anor was well aware of what they were after. They'd been taking shifts playing hide and seek with warriors, and taking pot shots at the damutek for nearly twenty hours. They knew they had succeeded in taking out the majority of the cloning samples but the queen was being moved.
On day four Anakin took Ganner, Jacen, Tesar, Tenal Ka, Alema, Bela, Kasov, and Tekli with him on the final hunt for the queen. Jaina, Zekk, Lowie, Eryl, Ulaha, and Raynar were left to defend the Flier, to be ready to go when the time came, come and get them if necessary.
After hours of recon, Tesar and 'the girls', as Anakin called the Hara Sisters, came back to the hole the group was calling home to tell Anakin that they'd found the Queen's new location. It was only an hour's walk away.
Anakin had a plan within minutes. Bela, Kasov, Tenel Ka and Tekli would head back to the ship, update Jaina and let her know where they were headed. Tesar would lead him, Jacen, Alema, and Ganner to the Queen; they'd take the building, kill the queen, up close and personal, no guessing, no 'hoping', and then get out. He'd assess the situation and decide whether they'd run back to the ship, or have Jaina pick them up.
It hadn't been difficult, Jacen said. The queen was surprisingly lightly guarded. Anakin was suspicious, but wanted to get the job done and get out. It had taken less than an hour.
The coast seemed clear, so rather than alert the Vong to their location, Anakin decided they'd run to the ship, get as far as they could, only have Jaina take off if she had too. They were almost there, they were less than a kilometer away, when they crested a dune and a wall of warriors came rushing up to meet them. They were outnumbered, way outnumbered.
"It might have been the only mistake Anakin made the whole time; not having Jaina pick us up." Jacen said.
Tahiri's head lolled back, and try as she might, she couldn't hold in the moan that escaped her. Jacen stopped talking and she vaguely thought that if that was all it was going to take, she'd moan all day, but then she heard his voice again, knew what was coming,
"We fought them off, a lot of them. But they kept coming. Somehow Anakin managed to comm Jaina, and she got there pretty quick. Zekk and Bela were on the guns and took out a bunch of the warriors, and we finally got close enough to the ship for Alema and Ganner to get aboard. Then we lost Tesar."
Tahiri heard Jacen's voice hitch, heard Leia's sob and the muffled sound of Han's voice. It all sounded like it was being filtered through cloth. The worst was coming, and she wanted to close out the sounds, but even when she put her hands to her ears, it still came, so she didn't bother this time, just pulled her knees in closer, pulled her arms tighter across her shins.
"There were only three more. I was fighting one, and Anakin was fighting two."
"Overachiever." Mara whispered, and Tahiri sensed pride in her throaty chuckle.
They were such a warped family.
"One of his fell."
Now Jaina was sobbing, and it was Luke's muffled noises of comfort that Tahiri heard.
"I managed to kill the one on me, and turned back to Anakin, but he yelled at me to get on the ship. His back was to me, and I thought he was good, the warrior was covered in blood, and Anakin had taken one of his arms already. I thought… I thought he was a second away from finishing up. I jumped up the ramp, Jaina was hovering, the ground was so rocky, and there were pits everywhere, she couldn't set the ship down. Then the ship bucked, Alema and Zekk were firing into the air, coralskippers were coming towards us. And I fell, and when I looked up, the ship was twenty meters away.
"I got up, and ran. I thought Anakin must have already gotten there, and I jumped back up the ramp. But another coralskipper shot at us, and Jaina had to move farther away from where we were to avoid the plasma fire. She banked back toward where we told her Anakin was, and when we got there he was gone. We were screaming for him, but I couldn't see him. And then there were coralskippers everywhere.
"We tried to get him on the comm but he didn't answer. And we couldn't feel him. It was like he was there, but fuzzy, and then we couldn't feel him at all."
Tahiri began to rock, she thought she was crying, but she wasn't sure. She had cried so much already and she couldn't tell anymore when some tears stopped and others began. Couldn't tell how much time passed between when her eyes were dry and when her cheeks were wet.
She was going to hear him tell her again how they left him.
She was going to hear him tell her again that they did the right thing for the team.
She was going to hear him tell her again that they did what Anakin would have wanted them to do.
And he was wrong.
Anakin had wanted to come home to her.
After all they had done; after all that they had changed; Anakin was still gone.
Tahiri suddenly realized that she was staring into Jacen's eyes. She hadn't been crying after all. She hadn't made any noise that she could remember, but she also couldn't remember how she had gotten from the cot, where she'd been curled in a ball, to standing in front of Anakin's brother; the brother Anakin had fought so hard to save.
Before she registered the command going from her brain to her hand, Tahiri slapped Jacen, the sound loud and thick. All the air seemed to be sucked out of the little refugee tent, the rest of Anakin's family almost as stunned as his stooped over brother.
Tahiri waited for Jacen to stand back upright, waited for him to look her in the eye again, before she spit out; "He would never have left you."
It was Jaina who came to Jacen's defense, typical, no doubt feeling guilty, as she should, for having piloted the ship that Anakin was supposed to have been on.
"Leave him alone. You have no idea what you're talking about." Jaina yelled.
"I know exactly what I'm talking about because I know Anakin." Tahiri yelled back.
"You don't know what it was like, you weren't there. You wouldn't have been able to handle what we went through and Anakin knew that, or he wouldn't have left you behind."
Tahiri gasped, and then a hysterical giggle escaped her, and she covered her mouth. In the three days since the team had been back, since she'd been told that Anakin was gone, she'd hardly thought about Will - had pushed thoughts of him aside because it was too hard to live in denial of what she was being told and face the reality of what she was going to have to do alone at the same time. But now, she allowed the feel of her son to flood through her, embraced him with her mind, apologized for neglecting him, then a small sigh escaped her.
"Is that what you think?" She recognized the nearly serene note in her voice, and giggled again. The looks on the faces around her were priceless; they clearly thought she'd just broken. She nodded slightly, and sniffed, then went on. "When Anakin said I would be a hindrance to the success of the mission, it wasn't because he thought I couldn't handle the job, it was because he was afraid he would be too distracted by me to do his own."
Tahiri closed her eyes again, felt herself sway slightly, she couldn't look at any of them when she said it, didn't want to see their faces, didn't care what their reactions were. She just wanted to say it and get it over with and get as far away from these people as she could; go back to looking for Anakin in the Force, because if she was left alone, and could concentrate, she knew she'd be able to feel him again.
"He was worried that he'd be distracted by trying to keep me safe because I'm pregnant."
11
