It's nighttime over NAU Samoa. Just as they always do, the waves of the Pacific crash against the shores; the sandy and the rocky.

The slaves at the plantations have been greenlit for retiring for the night. A few stay up and work.

In some of the stock tanks, mosquito larvae wriggle. They wait for the right time to assume the nightly reaping...

Tired, Thomas sleeps a bit better tonight. Alas, he knows he can't afford to sleep too well. There are vamps after him. He doesn't understand why...even so, he wishes to live long enough to serve a long career in Uncle Sam's army. He doesn't care if he never gets promoted. This blue uniform is his until Uncle Sam says "take it off and leave it."

And Uncle Sam is a righteous man. Regardless of what the anarchists think, Uncle Sam NEVER hires strippers.

The big UV lantern still rests atop Thomas's bedside table. He hasn't needed to use it yet. He hopes to do his job here without ever having to. But then, if he didn't, what kind of story would this be? Not likely one you'd tell to your daughter just to scare her.

Outside, something scratches against a door.

Thomas opens his eyes, and looks around. He doesn't hear anything...but he's pretty sure he did. Even so, he waits a bit... As time passes, nothing repeats itself that isn't normal. So, he re-cuddles his stuffed heffalump close, and...

He hears it again. This time, he KNOWS he has. That's it; Thomas doesn't care if he's been ordered to protect himself. It's about damn time that the hunted become the hunter.

Why not? It worked for Abe Lincoln... Or rather, it's likely working right now, for Abe Lincoln. (He and Thomas were born in the same year.)

Thomas reaches for his musket...but hesitates. These are vampires, fuck it. THEY'RE going to require special treatment...

As embarrassing as Thomas finds this, he wears a lei of garlic bulbs. Alas, the rats have been at them. Thomas doesn't blame them; he loves garlic in his cooking; some of the black maids back at his family's estate would daresay TOO much so... He's just...not sure why the garlic in that meal he had on his last night spent in that house didn't keep the ferret-vampire from suckling him in his sleep...

He's also not sure how the hell the rats eat the garlic raw. Seems like every time Thomas tries, he has a gag reflex, and he starts crying. He's not even a drama king...

Next, Thomas takes up a pair of wooden gladiuses. As much as he appreciates stakes, they're just not as ideal as wooden gladiuses. Plus, these gladiuses are of olive wood; the holy wood of Israel. It's a wood that's been reuniting Israel ever since Japheth.

And, of course, he takes the big UV lantern. To light it, he must wear a special ring. Thomas keeps it...or rather, it's kept...in the bedside table drawer, just beneath where the lantern itself is kept.

Thomas slides it onto his ring finger, and holds it to the lantern's huge bulb. Gradually, the lantern's mantle lights itself...and generates purple light.

At the same time, Thomas's attire undergoes a transformation. His garlic lei becomes a suit of body armor. His gladiuses begin to look more like a pair of Psylocke's, from X-Men comics...

A purple mask conjures itself around his eyes. Now, he looks a lot like a Star Sapphire in DC Comics...if Brother Blood was ever a Star Sapphire.

Thomas sees himself in a mirror...and admires himself. He does a dance...and shakes his booty in the mirror, as a part of it.

About now, Carolyn barges in. She screams, when she sees a lit-up vigilante in Lt. Grant's barracks.

Thomas struggles to calm her. It's hard, but... He manages, somehow.

Surprisingly, it doesn't take Carolyn long to start trusting this mysterious vigilante. She even...seems to flirt with him a bit.

And now, she notices Lt. Grant's empty berth. "Where's Grant?"

"He's okay," he says. "He's safe. I've made sure of that. Now if you don't mind, the jungles on this island are vampire-infested." He draws his new Psylocke-like swords. "And it's about time someone stood up to them."

With that, he speeds away in a flash, knocking over several things in the tailwind. Carolyn screams, and sprawls her back out against the door, as he leaves.

In his absence, the lantern dims to dark. That's when Carolyn sees it. Confused, she creeps up to it, and tries to tap on its bulb with her knuckles. She yelps, after she's done so. The lantern's just been on; the bulb's still hot.


Like a streak of light across the plantations, the UV Lantern runs at superhuman speed. Jungle shrubs bow away from him, as he runs. Livestock scatter, as he runs. Rats, muntjacs, and mongeese scatter, and clear a way for the running vigilante.

At last, the UV Lantern stands in the center of the jungles of NAU Samoa. His swords are drawn. His armor is impregnable. And as a precaution, he generates a purple-tinted force field around himself.

"I present myself for sacrifice," he announces. "Abandon your bunkers. Charge me! I assure you that no vamp can hinder me!" He hesitates. "My family's been trying to for years, and they STILL haven't!"

In the shadows, glowing eyes appear. Many are red. Some are yellow. A few are orange. They're vamps; Thomas can sense it...

A swarm of vampire bats emerge from the jungle canopy, shriek, and charge the force field. Thomas gets to see their terrifying faces, as they all do a Kamikaze against the force field's UV-imbued wall. They fly into the force field until there are none of them left. They all die.

UV Lantern scoffs. "Impressive. Next?"

Mosquitoes the size of hawks appear, and hover near the force field. They buzz. And at their size, they are very loud. And their pointy probosces never looked scarier.

They land atop the force field, and try to suck what's inside out. Alas, they don't do much. In a flash, the force field burns up their bodies, and leaves their abdomens burning on the ground, like chunks of vampiric coal.

At this, UV Lantern yawns. "I can do this all night!"

From the dark, giant nematodes slither forth. They're like diamondback rattlers...and even bear a few features of the same...diamond-studded back and all.

Like wallabies, great fleas leap forth. They even have wallaby characteristics. Or rather, they're more like dunnart characteristics. Even so, they're all like a flea, a dunnart, and a tree kangaroo had a baby.

One of them is TOO much like a dunnart. As of now, he lies atop a hollow log, and jerks off...as if he can't get enough. With luck, the excessive masturbation will kill him before Thomas has to.

Across the ground, walking candirus crawl. They're like walking catfish...only much bigger, and creepier. Their whiskers writhe like tentacles, and their fins are many-pointed. They all look like a candiru, a walking catfish, and a burbot had a baby.

And finally, the bed bugs fly in. Alas, they all look like they belong in a titan's bed. These all look like a bed bug, a ground pangolin, and a trilobite had a baby...or an egg, more like it.

Thomas smiles. "Ah, looks like the gang's all here. Perfect!" He sharpens his swords, making sparks as he does. "Let's have at it!"

Thomas vanishes the force field, and the siege is on. There's much slashing. Thomas goes berserk, and dices all of the vampires as if they were okra in a Cajun kitchen. Those poor little bloodsuckers don't stand a chance.

Using his willpower, Thomas uses the ring to create a contraption of sorts: it has a mount, and a Gatling gun both fore and aft of it. The two guns shoot in opposite directions. The mount's atop a swivel. Thomas shrieks really loud, while spinning atop this mount.

As he does, the purple-glowing Gatling guns rattle, firing multiple barrels at a time at the vamps. The "bullets" are made of UV light.

At the same time, Thomas forges two repeating crossbows for himself, out of pure energy. He aims them to port and to starboard, sits upright, and keeps their triggers pulled down. They both fire many bolts of UV energy at the vamps who try to attack him from port and starboard.

With all of the fire and brimstone that gets shed as a result, Thomas is lucky he doesn't start a forest fire. But then, Thomas has always been confused as to why droughts or fires happen in jungles at all. It rains too often.

In his berserker rage, Thomas grabs the candiru burbots by their tails, swings them around, and throws them like bolas. Once he has, he generates energy-made bolas with his power, and hurls them after the flying candiru burbots.

With his superhuman speed, he dupes the nematode diamondbacks into tangling themselves into giant knots. Once he's done that, he ensnares them inside energy-made tumbleweed, and sends them hurling down the hills, like great balls of UV fire.


Downhill, in the plantations, a pair of slaves work the graveyard shift. They both look up, as the burning purple balls roll down the hillsides.

One wipes his brow. "Goodness gracious," he says.

"Grape balls of fire," the other finishes his sentence.

"Damn," they both say in unison.


From energy, Thomas forges a huge trip hammer over a conveyor belt. Atop the belt, he sets the energy-bound bed bug pangolins. As they writhe upside-down on their dragon scale-armored shells, they slide under the trip hammer. As it comes down onto them, they inadvertently flip themselves over, hard side-up.

Here, the energy hammer strikes them. And like an ax with a log, it splits the poor suckers. What's even better, both halves are on fire when they're flung from the belt.

Thomas stands near, armed with a cricket bat. He swats those halves sky-high, if they get close enough to him to bat.

The flea dunnarts, he fights old-school. With energy-made blades and berserker rage that could inspire a Jewish golem, Thomas goes all Kill Bill on their asses. He cuts their tails off with sharpened blades. He's not even a farmer's wife...or even the plantation owner's wife, for that matter. You'd never see such a sight, or a fright, in your life.

And yes, Thomas also blinds them. He makes a can of pepper spray out of pure energy, and blinds them all, as they attack him.

He even takes this to an extreme level...by making a gas mask out of pure energy...as well as a long hose from a tank, and sprays the area with poison gas...also made of UV energy. THAT cripples a lot of them. Thomas is betting that now they're wishing that they stayed home on their logs tonight, masturbating themselves to death...


Through a crystal ball in Omani Kenya, Thomas is being watched. He slaughters many vampires out there, in the Samoan jungle. Inadvertently, he also flashes his ass for a hidden camera.

Maya Sarabi coy-smiles, as this happens. She's really starting to like her daughter's boyfriend...too much. Alas, she seems to enjoy watching him get attacked by every vampire in NAU Samoa.

"Slaughter them all, and win one for your little California homefolk, Little Thomas," she mocks/admires him. "Cleave them, flesh from bone, until dawn." She adjusts her top. "You are SO down my blouse now, daughterfucker. Just you wait. This ole dark witch is just getting started on her preliminary enchantments..."