A/N: I'm working on another KenKao plot bunny that refuses to leave. Anyway, we're nearing the end of this. Stay safe. :)
Your Smile in August
Spiral
I don't know why,
But I remembered that incident as if it were yesterday.
This... entry of yours, saying that I looked at you with disgust...
I'm sorry.
He tried to do some wandering. By himself, he made sure, because they were set on two days with nothing on the itinerary. It was supposed to be a welcome break from the (kind of) busy weeks they had.
Aoshi and Misao decided to stay on the estate and enjoy the villa's private onsen, and simply detach from their usually busy schedule. Sano had to accompany Megumi to the shopping district, Sojiro had decided to sit with the guest, Yahiko, and catch up with things in Kyoto.
He decided to descend to the city himself, just for a while, and come back with a surprise for Kaoru. There were issues in one of the Kamiya's establishments that needed her attention, and although she flashed them with a reassuring smile that morning, she disappeared into the vast villa to attend to her work and had not reappeared since.
Now here he was, alone under a bus stop, with a pot of jasmine in his hands, and his clothes drenched from the pouring rain.
He should have seen the overcast skies when he left. He should have listened to that kind old lady's predictions, back in the plant nursery, about how certain plants tend to 'droop' when there was an impending downpour.
But he was too distracted to think rationally, too eager to get back to the estate,
To get back to her.
All because he found something taped to her diary last night,
And it troubled him to no end.
There was a sudden notification on his phone. He checked his screen to see the ominous "Battery 10% left." He closed the pop-up notification, only to be greeted with another one:
He had been included in a group chat.
His phone was suddenly flooded with messages.
M. Takani: What's with the sudden downpour!?
S. Seta: Why so disappointed? Did it cut your shopping spree short?
S. Sagara: The rain is a godsend. She's decided the million purchases is enough. Finally my wallet can relax.
M. Takani: You could have just left, you know. Got my own money. I could have gone without you.
S. Sagara - :(
M. Shinomori: BURN!
Although his clothes were soaking wet, he could not help but smile. Their inclusive demeanor was enough to evoke some kind of warmth, and some distraction, too, from what was plaguing his mind.
080- ###-#### : Hey, is Kenshin here?
For a while he paused, and his clutch to the pot of jasmine tightened. An unregistered number in his phone, and the only person he had yet to ask for her personal number was...
M. Shinomori: Yup! I added him just now, Kaoru.
080- ###-#### : Good.
His fingers frantically fumbled on the screen, to save her number into his contacts.
K. Kamiya: I think he left without an umbrella this morning.
S. Seta: Here comes Mother Hen...
A. Shinomori: He's a big boy, Kaoru okaa-san. He'll know to take shelter.
He kept quiet, and his gaze softened when he saw her reply.
K. Kamiya: He was coming down with a cold last night. I'm just worried, that's all.
There was a short pause of activity. Suddenly,
S. Sagara: We're on our way back. If Kenshin is in proximity we can pick him up. Kenshin?
Kenshin: I'm here.
M. Shinomori: Hi Kenshin!
Kenshin: Hey, Misao.
S. Seta: Himura-san!
K. Kamiya: Kenshin, good afternoon,
S. Sagara: Hey, where are you?
Kenshin: Trapped in the bus stop in Chiba.
S. Sagara: Good, you're within our route. Wait there, ETA is ten minutes.
Kenshin: Got it. Kaoru, I have something for you, by the way.
A. Shinomori: *Cough*
S. Seta: *Spits out coffee* (o.o)
M. Shinomori: Whaaaa?! What about me?!
K. Kamiya: Don't worry, Misao, it's probably a gag gift! See ya guys home! :) I had us some pastries delivered,
M. Shinomori: Hey Megumi, can you stop by the tea shop and buy us—
An empty battery icon suddenly flashed, and his phone went dead. Kenshin stared at the blank screen for quite a while,
listening to the pounding of the rain on the plastic roof,
lost in his own thoughts.
** Himura-senpai was looking at me,
And I froze.
Because the look that he gave me... it was the complete opposite of how he looked at Yukishiro-san.**
That was the turning point, he thought as he clutched the pot of jasmine tighter, because all of her entries that followed,
It was downright depressing.
Yes, he did recall that incident, and no, he could not deny the accusation. He did look at her differently. It was in the middle of the day when he came across her, ten years ago, and he was on the way to his other class when he saw her in crutches, being interviewed by a group of policemen.
**" She's in trouble again," One of his friends said.
"Another altercation," another friend snickered.
"What a ruffian!"
"I heard she got a group of seniors expelled yesterday."
"Why?"
"They won't say. The police and even the admin is keeping silent."
"I bet she started it. But because she's this VIP rich kid, they're blaming the poor students."
"What an entitled brat. She's the one who should be expelled."**
It was by the afternoon that they crossed paths with her and the Oniwaban. And yes, he did stare her down.
Kenshin clenched his teeth from the mere memory.
He did find out, only now, that she had legitimate reason for the police interview that morning. She had written it in continuation of her January 23rd entry, and it turned out to be about the infamous "Incident in the Snowstorm."
**I pleaded with my guardians not to press charges because I didn't want to stir up any campus drama. I thought we had all agreed. What I didn't know was that Ue-sama had already started the process since my arrival at the hospital.
They said he was livid the moment I was handed off to the staff in the Operating Room, and he immediately contacted the police. My guardians literally had to restrain him, as he described to police how he found me, bloodied and battered in the snow. **
The rain was finally receding, and a soft breeze blew. Drenched as he was, the redhead shivered.
** The police finally came to me that day after weeks of investigation and told me the outcome of the whole ordeal.
The school had expelled those seniors. They had also been criminally sentenced and convicted, and they were now serving time in Juvenile Detention.**
Rightfully so, he thought. Those punks deserved it.
But ten years ago, those were not his thoughts. Ten years ago he ended up victim-blaming her by giving her that stare, looking down at her as if it was all her fault for being so unruly.
**I'm physically, and emotionally exhausted.
I'm tired... of this unrequited friendship... **
**I can't get mad at him, because this is all my fault. I dug myself into this hole, and I can't seem to get out.**
"Kenshin!" A feminine voice called out, and his gaze flicked to a parked Mercedes before him. It was Sanosuke and Megumi.
"Shit," Sanosuke motioned for him to hop inside the car. "You look like a drowned rat!"
"I'm sorry if I get the backseat wet," He said as he entered, and shut the door beside him.
"Nah," Sanosuke waved off from the driver's seat. "The estate's only fifteen minutes from here." He said as he pushed the gas.
"I would have you borrowed at least a shirt," Megumi pointed to the mountain of shopping bags, "But they're all women's blouses,"
"I'll be alright," Kenshin forced a smile, and he fell silent.
** I don't know. All I know is that, after three years, going on to four, I've been spinning, spinning, this endless spinning... **
"What's that you've got there?" Sanosuke suddenly asked.
"Jasmine," Kenshin answered absently, shifting his gaze to the passing trees. "Kaoru said it's her favorite, yet the gardeners never bothered to put one in her garden."
** and I stop to see my progress, nauseated and dizzy from my efforts, catching my breath, trying to reach him...
and I still at the same spot where I stood three years ago:
A stranger. **
He did not notice the couple's exchange of pitying looks, he was too absorbed in his own thoughts.
**January 30
I saw him with Yukishiro-san again. This time they were having lunch together under the Cherry blossom tree.
I wanted to feel angry, but I ended up being angry with myself. Who am I to dislike her? She is truly beautiful. A real woman, and it looks like she does really care for Himura-senpai too.
And to him. Why should I be angry towards him, who am I to tell him who he should like?
I am nothing to him, he doesn't even know me.
Diary, after all that is said and done,
I have no right to feel this way.
I am starting to get insecurities in me, and I am starting to doubt myself.
I hate to admit it...
But I am nothing to him...
Will always be nothing to him.
Who am I even fooling?
Myself, that's it. I've been stupid enough to be fooling myself.
Stupid Kaoru.
Stupid, stupid, stupid!**
"Welcome home! Woah," Misao greeted him with a towel, "What happened to you?"
Kenshin gave her a weak smile. "The place I went to was kind of secluded, there weren't any places to seek shelter on the way to the bus stop."
"You should have just texted us," Sojiro spoke from the corner of the hallway, clad in a casual yukata. It seemed as if it were the theme today, as everyone else was donning one. "We could have picked you up."
"I didn't want to bother anyone," Kenshin paused, for there was a momentary flicker to his vision. He tried to shrug it away. "Besides, I grew up in the city. I should still know my way around."
"Yeah, sure," Misao gave him a cynical look, doubtful from his frail movements. "Now change into dry clothes."
He managed to catch the yukata thrown at him, barely. The look of concern among his friends went unnoticed.
"Where's Kaoru?" Kenshin said, cradling the precious pot on one dedicated arm. The group's demeanor suddenly changed, and he looked around to see the hesitation in their eyes.
"She's on a video call with my cousin," Yahiko suddenly emerged, and all eyes shifted towards the young teen. "He's in Brussels right now, on a business trip."
A sharp sensation, stabbing on Kenshin's gut. He felt sick, literally. It was really weird, and there was this sinking feeling, as if he were submerged underwater... "Maybe I could just stop by her room and—"
"Don't bother." Yahiko snatched the pot away from him, "I will give this to her, once the call is done." He glared at Kenshin. "It's unnecessary to insert yourself between them, of all people."
"Yahiko," Megumi snapped, but Yahiko raised his chin.
"I heard you were Student of the Year for four consecutive times in Nobuhiro High," There was an intimidating glint in Yahiko's eyes, "And you were captain of the Tae Kwon Do team,"
"I won Gold in the Nationals, in all the four times I competed." Kenshin stepped forward, refusing to be insulted by this... teen... for his accomplishments. The heavy feeling continued, it was as if his head were trapped in a thick haze...
"Well, what do you know? It's my lucky day." Yahiko grinned, sarcasm dripping in his remark. "I'm competing my first Nationals next month, care to spar with me? I'm sure an old man like you can dish out some precious advice to an aspiring athlete."
"That's ridiculous," Aoshi stepped in, pulling Yahiko away. "You have a flight to catch in an hour—"
"The drive to the airport is thirty-five minutes," Yahiko glouted menacingly, "Boarding is fifteen. I have an extra ten minutes to spare. What do you say, Ojii-san?"
"Oi, brat, cut that out! Kenshin is not in the condition to play around, " Misao stepped forward to intervene, but Kenshin held the small woman by the shoulder.
"Give me three minutes to change into dry clothes," Kenshin flared, and the gang stepped back.
Never in their memories had they witnessed an angry Himura Kenshin,
And it was, to be honest, a scary sight.
** February 3
I cannot handle these new feelings. I have never felt so insecure before, and now I think my emotions are spiraling out of control.
Never in my three years have I gone out of my way to see Himura-senpai.
I see him when I see him, in the hallways or during school assemblies.
I respect him enough to push aside my feelings for him, and only surface it during confession time, under the Sakura trees.
But now I have taken the extra time to avoid him, as much as possible,
And I look the other way.
That judgmental look he gave me...
Diary, it freaking hurts.
But it is not his fault. I have no one to blame but myself. I have no one to get angry at, dammit, but myself.
I allowed myself to get carried away by these silly daydreams of mine.
Yukishiro-san is a true beauty.
She is calm, cool, and collected,
And she looks like an intelligent woman who thinks things through.
And me? This image of me has developed into this extremely volatile girl who is the exact opposite of what he likes...
which I am not...
I swear I am not.
I can't stop crying.
I'm beginning to think there really is something wrong with me.
Through the years I've tried my best not to come across as aggressive. Have I done too much? Or have I not done enough?
Maybe I really am this violent girl. Maybe I am just this "pig-tailed brat with zero sex-appeal," as I heard his friends call me behind my back.
There is truth in that, I realize because compared to Yukishiro-san's beauty, I'm just a worm.
I am nothing compared to her.
If only I were more beautiful,
If only I were more confident.
If only I were a cool beauty like her,
He would probably have given me a second look.
I'm starting to hate myself.
Diary,
My self-esteem is in pieces on the floor,
And I'm struggling to pick the fragments up.
Oh, I can't stop crying.**
The teen was unapologetic. The moment Kenshin stepped into the large dojo, Yahiko lurched forward and struck. Kenshin was able to evade, and it would have been easy for him, because he recognized the technique Yahiko used to be what he used, and he had mastered it already a long time ago.
But when he skidded back to regain balance,
His world started spinning.
It took a frightening amount of concentration to stabilize himself.
What was happening to him?
** February 10
Ue-sama has been teasing me a lot now, more than usual. He said it's because I've been acting weird.
Normally I would fight back, but lately, I haven't had the strength for banter.
I can barely find my words, so I hide into my shell, and just lock myself in my room.
My friends came over to the house yesterday, worried.
I barely hang out with them anymore.
I don't know what's happening to me.
I look at myself in the mirror,
And I start to criticize everything I see.
This is not like me. I used to be very unapologetic,
I used to be very confident.
But now I can barely face myself without cringing.**
"Hey, Ojii-san!" Yahiko suddenly called out, and Kenshin turned around, only to be met by the sight of a foot.
The redhead parred the powerful side kick from the teen with a rising block, as it was aimed straight for his head.
"What's it between you and Busuu?" Yahiko suddenly said. "You planning to pursue her?"
From afar their audience leaned forward, trying to catch their conversation. But Yahiko was careful to keep his voice low and audible only for his sparring partner to hear.
Kenshin glowered. "Yes."
But the teen immediately withdrew his kick, following it with a knifehand.
Kenshin easily caught it, but for some reason, his block came out weak. His arms trembled as Yahiko's hand attack bore down on him.
"She's too good for you." He blocked Kenshin's sudden ax kick, almost slipping at the motion. The redhead followed it with a series of combination kicks, hitting Yahiko in the process.
But the teen evaded his last kick, and he suddenly rushed up to him: "I'm gonna go straight to the point, Himura," Yahiko murmured in close proximity, "I only came here because I have a message from Shishio-ue."
Kenshin immediately froze.
Shishio-ue... Ue-sama?
Then suddenly, everything clicked into place.
**Lately, Ue-sama has been coming here more frequently for the lessons, and unfortunately, he catches me crying every time.**
**I know how to play the shamisen with my eyes closed, Makoto-ue is teaching me the piano!**
**Makoto tapped a hand on his cheek, vainly pondering, "I will be attending a three-week business convention in Brussels,"**
**Eh, Kamiya-san, where's that young man you come with every year?"
"He's out of the country," Kaoru answered, concentrating on her aim, "He's a busy man."**
Kenshin did not notice the teen's Roundhouse kick until it connected to his face. Gasps were heard from his audience as his ass almost crashed to the floor, but he immediately recovered, albeit staggering like a drunk, but recovered.
All of a sudden, Kenshin bound to the young teen, lifted himself mid-air, and delivered a triple aero-kick, much to the awe-struck audience.
**February 12
I was on my way home from a spar with Aoshi when Himura-senpai's team came by into the locker area.
I immediately hid inside a locker to conceal myself.
I could see everything from the open slats of the metal doors, as they were gathering their stuff.
They had been preparing for another tournament, and they were joking about their captain Himura having new "inspiration".
"Tomoe?" He asks, much to my already crushed ego,
"No, silly," His friends said, "Kooky Kamiya!"
They produced a blown-up poster of me, it was a picture of me winning Gold in the Kendo nationals last week.
They had vandalized it. They drew horns over my helmet-covered head, exaggerated muscles over my kendo-gi and hakama, making me look like a masculinized caricature. On the side was a speech bubble, with the writing "notice me, Himura-senpai!", with hearts in the blank space.
They were laughing at me,
Mocking my stutter when he came up to congratulate me on my win that night.
"S-senpai! Did you, d-did you see me on s-stage?!" his friend pretended to have a seizure, twisting his tongue and drooling.
"You should date her to shut her up, Kenshin!"
I stood there in the dark locker, trying to control the pathetic whimpering that had escaped my mouth.
Fight for me, senpai. At least defend me. Even though I am a stranger to you, would you allow them to make fun of someone who never wanted anything else but your approval?
"Well, she is kind of weird," Himura-senpai laughed,
And his team laughed with him, as they continued to make a clown out of me.
I shut their mocking laughter out, because I couldn't take it anymore.
And as I withdrew into myself, deeper and deeper, I thought...
So this is what it feels like, to have your heart broken into a million pieces.
I covered my hand over my mouth in a futile attempt to keep my sobs from coming out. I could feel the familiar trail of tears running hot on my cheeks,
and all I could do was to choke back my cries. **
Yahiko was not able to avoid his attacks. The teen ended up crashing onto the wooden floor, his arms reddened from the redhead's kicks. But with the strength of his youth in Yahiko's favor, the teen ignored the pain and stood up,
and he straight out sucker-punched Kenshin,
earning a collective gasp from the horrified audience.
As the redhead was left reeling from the shock, Yahiko walked up to him, shoulder-to-shoulder. "Shishio-ue wants me to tell you he's coming back home, and he's taking aggressive action towards her."
Kenshin stiffened.
"My advice to you, Himura? Get out of here, if you're not serious with Busuu. Or else you'll get your ass kicked by my cousin.
I may not say it often, but I see Kaoru as my sister. And that sister of mine only deserves the best."
The teen was pulled away aggressively by the guys. "Idiot!" Sano knocked a (gentle) fist against the boy.
"You'll be late for your flight," Sojiro dragged Yahiko out of the room.
"You okay, Kenshin?" Misao asked meekly, subdued.
Megumi reached out and touched his forehead. "He's burning with fever. Grab me a thermometer and some NSAIDs,"
Misao disappeared from the room as Megumi lead Kenshin to the corner and sat him down the floor.
"No wonder I felt funny," Kenshin said in a daze. The heavy feeling in his head had descended into his entire body, he felt as if a cold, weighted blanket was thrown on top of him.
"You should have stayed home," Megumi said as Misao reappeared. She received the thermometer from the small woman's hands and placed it in his mouth, under his tongue. "Your nose alright?"
Kenshin nodded, too much in a fog to provide details.
He could barely keep his head up, let alone keep his eyes open.
The thermometer beeped, sliding out of his mouth. "104 Farenheit," Megumi said.
"Damn, Kenshin," Misao exclaimed, handing him a couple of over-the-counter pills. "How were you even able to do those flying kicks earlier,"
"These should do for now," Megumi handed him the medicine, and he popped it in his mouth, following it with water.
The man could barely swallow.
"What's happening?" A familiar voice drifted in the dojo. Kenshin's blurry gaze flicked up, and his shoulders relaxed.
Kaoru had entered the room, and she knelt beside Misao.
"Kenshin?" she sought his eyes, and their gaze connected.
"Fever of 104," Megumi supplied, and Kaoru gently placed a hand over his forehead.
"Jeez, Kenshin. I guess that rain really did you,"
Kaoru gave him a worried smile.
The redhead stared into her soft, comforting gaze for moments...
But suddenly he reached out.
Kenshin seized her wrist,
And he pulled her into a tight embrace.
** March 1
I pretend to be strong, when I'm really just a pathetic crybaby.
I don't have that delicate, feminine grace.
My face is too small,
My eyes are too big,
My hands are rough and calloused from training.
I bet her hands are soft, as a woman's hands should have been. I bet her laughter is reserved and dainty, unlike mine, where I throw back my head and guffaw.
My smile is not like hers. I'm not that pretty,
I'm nothing like Yukishiro-san,
And I can't be.
If only I were.
I hate myself, Diary.
I hate myself.**
"You're already perfect," Kenshin slurred, his head was throbbing, his entire body exhausted from the high temperature. He could only seek the comfort of her presence, "Even your flaws are perfect..." He held her tighter, "You don't have to change anything, only because a clueless jerk..." his eyes were closing, "failed to appreciate you..."
Misao and Megumi exchanged looks.
Kaoru only sighed. "What are you even talking about,"
"It's so frustrating, knowing what I know now..." He buried his face into the crook of her neck,
"And I know that you'll never blame me,
But it's not fair... to be blaming yourself too..."
"Kenshin," Kaoru tried to push him away, "You really need to—"
His eyes snapped up, and they locked gazes. Slowly, he reached out,
And he held her face. "How do I fix this?"
Kaoru looked at Megumi. "He's in delirium,"
Kenshin shook his head vigorously. "No, Kaoru, hear me out—"
"Let's get some rest," Misao was surprisingly strong. He did not notice Dr. Gensai and Tae had also stepped in, as they supported him to stand. Too weakened to fight off their aid, Kenshin could only hold Kaoru's flickering image, as he was slipping in and out of consciousness.
How unfair.
What you felt for me, ten years ago...
Is what I am feeling now.
"Get some rest, Kenshin," Kaoru called out in concern,
But you've rightfully moved on.
And I know it's selfish of me,
but I can't stand it.
"Sleep for tonight," He thought he heard Misao whisper from beside him, "She'll still be here tomorrow."
He might have been imagining things.
How do I fix this...
He couldn't get an image out of his mind, the one that had been plaguing him since last night:
Taped on the page of the diary was a picture of him and her.
She was in full geisha get-up, for the yearly festival in Highschool. She was smiling nervously at the camera, and he was standing behind her, an arm around her shoulder.
How could I have forgotten...
About the bet that was made that evening...
The picture she ripped in half, in a blatant attempt to tear them apart in the middle of her anger. There were water blots on the picture, evidence of her tears.
She probably found out about the stupid bet.
It was obviously straightened out from being crumpled, and it was taped back together.
And it dawned on him: the torn picture was most probably not rescued by her.
Not by her,
But by someone else who found it:
The original caretaker of her diary.
This... wedge that was driven between us from my prejudice,
This... gape that has been magnified by the years that flew by.
He finally closed his eyes, giving in to the demands of his exhausted body.
How do I fix this.
