Chapter 12 - Her world turned upside down

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*BUZZ* *BUZZ* *BUZZ*

Illium.

It felt strange to wake-up docked and to the sight of clouds instead of inky blackness and stars. Shepard blinked herself awake to the sight of an actual atmosphere and the lack of blues waves flowing outside her skylight.

Yet another one of her old squadmates had changed so much they'd become unrecognizable. The Liara she'd known from two years ago was gone, in the asari's place was a ruthless being who would flay someone alive for what she wanted.

Shepard shivered despite herself.

The more she saw her old squadmates, the more afraid she became of a potential reunion with Nihlus. Tali and Kaidan turned their backs on her, citing being too busy or the nebulous 'but Cerberus!' as their reason. Wrex was too busy running Tuchanka to be bothered with the threat of Reapers or Collectors. And then there was Garrus- who was barely holding himself together. He was fueled by a thirst for revenge for his squad and seemingly nothing else.

What came of Nihlus after two years apart- Shepard didn't know. She was no longer sure she wanted to.

Getting out of bed, she headed for the bathroom before donning her armour. Today, they would oversee the transfer of Miranda's younger sister off-world. Apparently, their father was evil and that warranted Shepard's personal attention. She sighed, clasping a gauntlet into place. Working with Cerberus was no different than the Alliance. They still sent her off galavanting across star systems on personal errands when she had more important things to handle: like the fate of the entire galaxy.

Shepard slammed her locker shut and headed for the door. At least Gardener would have her tea waiting in the mess.

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Despite all her complaining, Shepard smiled as she watched Miranda go to meet her sister for the first time in person. To see the skeptical look appear on Oriana's face the exact same way she'd seen the expression on Miranda's was comical.

"Well," Jack said while rocking between her toes and her heels. "I'm gonna bounce."

Shepard tilted her head to the side just enough to see the biotic out of the corner of her eye. "Surprised you lasted this long," she teased.

"Whatever." Jack rolled her eyes, but she and Miranda had admittedly been getting along better in the past week or so since Pragia was destroyed. It turns out, having an all-out screaming match and biotically throwing things was all they needed to smooth out their relationship. "Smell ya later, Shep."

"See you back on the ship!" Shepard waved her off. "I'm going to look for the Assassin tomorrow if you want in." As Jack walked away, she gave an exaggerated shrug. Shepard knew that meant she was in, even if the woman wouldn't come out and say it.

Turning back to the sisters, she saw the pair hug and that was the moment Shepard knew she was extraneous to this interaction. She left the area and disappeared into the shadows of Illium's alleyways. Even on a planet as clean and security heavy as this, there were still corridors Shepard could travel unchecked.

She never expected a problem, and, hell, even if there was one? She could handle it. Shepard had been a Spectre going on thirty years. Admittedly she'd died just as many times, but she supposed the Collectors didn't really count. So when she heard a gun cock behind her, Shepard thought nothing of it.

Stopping in her tracks, Commander Shepard leaned into her hip and put a hand over the pistol at her side. It still felt warm from the newest thermal clip swap she'd done fighting the Eclipse.

"Walk away now and I'll let you live," she said, cocky as ever.

The dual-flanged voice behind her scoffed and it made her stomach drop. "Strong words, for a dead woman."

All of Shepard's muscles froze, and she could feel pins and needles running up her spine while goosebumps played along her arms. "Nih-"

"Shut up!" he snapped.

She started to spin to face him. But all too quickly, the barrel of a pistol was pressed against the back of her neck, just over her amp. The metal was cold, the weapon hadn't been fired recently.

"Don't move!" Nihlus' voice was anything but the melodic voice she remembered from her dreams. It was so far removed from the song he'd sung than she'd thought it could go. Even when fighting Saren there had been emotions left, pain and heartbreak. Now, all she could discern was single-minded anger.

Shepard's hand moved away from her hip. They both rose and spread from her body to show she would not go for another weapon. Not that she would have the ability to do so with a gun at her neck, Nihlus would kill her first. "Okay." Her heartbeat boomed in her ears. "I won't."

"Stop talking!" Nihlus growled. She could feel the gun waiver, ever so slightly, but only because it was pressed against the nape of her neck. Had he wanted to kill her, he would have done it already. He didn't want to. Or, at the least, he needed something first.

"Nihlus. Put the gun down." She tried. It was hard, but she managed to keep her voice even and firm. "Let's talk."

"Talk." He spat the word. She could feel the vitriol in the air. "You shouldn't be able to talk, you were dead. I watched it. I saw you die."

This felt like talking to Kaidan all over again but somehow worse. "It's a long story, I'll-"

"Just like the last story you told me?" The gun pressed harder into her neck, causing the Commander to stumble forward a step against the pressure. "I trusted you." An ounce of hurt made its way into his voice. She clung to it.

"Then give me a chance, Nihlus." Shepard pleaded, long since above begging. Nearly everyone had forsaken her, and she couldn't let Nihlus do the same. Not when she still felt so strongly about him. Even if they couldn't be together, she couldn't live if he hated her. Or perhaps she wouldn't be given the choice, he could just shoot her now and end it all. "Please."

Again, the gun wavered.

But then he snarled and it left her skin. Shepard was only able to relax for a half-second before she found herself slammed face-first into a wall with one arm twisted halfway up her back. She moved with him, allowing the hold so he didn't break her arm. It went against all of her instincts, instincts he'd taught her, but Shepard couldn't lose him now. Not when he'd found her.

"Take out your amp."

Shepard did so. The tiny chip disengaged from her amp module with a quick Omni-tool key and without difficulty. Nihlus held her with one arm and took the amp from her free hand before disarming the rest of her easy to access weapons: shotgun, pistol, combat knife, and Omni-tool. They both knew she had others, but he let them be for now.

"I'm unarmed," Shepard said.

He growled again but let off her arm. "Walk." he snapped. "Run and I shoot."

Shepard pushed off the wall and led the way out of the alley, following his directions through the markets and deeper into the wards. She didn't recognize where they were. The building gradually got shorter over the course of their half-hour walk until they were all no taller than eight stories. Unlike the central port, this section of Illium looked like it hadn't been gentrified this century.

"Apartment 311," Nihlus told her when they reached their destination.

Choosing the stairs, Shepard led them upward. It was nice to see some things didn't change even if the turian himself might've. The third floor wasn't so high that they couldn't escape out the balcony if they needed to, but it was high enough that an approach from the ground would be unlikely. Nihlus always thought like a Spectre. Even now.

The fact Nihlus hadn't just shot her on-site was also promising, even as she stepped up to the door of some dingy apartment. It opened for her with a beep, Nihlus must've enabled it from his 'tool. The lights were dim. A single chair sat in the middle of the room, and not much else. This was premeditated. How long had he been tracking her?

"Sit."

Shepard took a seat and let herself be cuffed to it. Nihlus wasn't particularly rough but she felt the bite of steel into her wrists. She could only hope this whole scene meant he was willing to hear her out. Her heart clenched. No one else had really let her do that, even Garrus who'd come along. He may have followed but he wouldn't speak to her.

"Nih-"

"Shut up." His voice came out like a growl from behind her, and she felt him move away as his shadow disappeared from above her.

In her current position, there wasn't much to look at. Her chair faced a sparse kitchenette with apartment-sized heating and cooling units. There was a single, turian-styled mug on the countertop with a chip in the handle and a bunch of red Palavani-fruit she knew Nihlus preferred. Their spiky shells glistened with moisture as Nihlus turned on a bright lamp. Shepard had to squint briefly at the sudden change.

Turning her head, she couldn't see Nihlus when she looked in either direction. A screen darkened the unit's only window and the door lock shone red on her other side. Nihlus intentionally avoided her gaze and it was infuriating. She had barely managed to glimpse him yet. She wanted to see what the years had done to the lines of his face. Had they aged him like they had Liara, or perhaps they'd made him weary like Kaidan.

The seconds ticked by, turning into minutes.

A tiny beep was all the warning she had before a brief pinch pricked her neck.

"Ow." Shepard tugged at the restraint but found it held fast. Looking as much as she could in Nihlus' direction she threw him a glare. "What was that for?"

Another set of beeps confirmed her suspicions. It was a medical device. He, like Aria, was checking her DNA- albeit more invasive than a simple scan.

"It's me, Nihlus." He continued to ignore her. "I'm really here." Still nothing. Shepard huffed and adjusted herself in the chair in an attempt to get more comfortable, if she was going to be here awhile it only made sense.

"You're not going to get out," Nihlus said, seemingly distracted by something. She knew the tone, it was the same one she used to use when working on her gun mods or model ships.

Shepard stopped. "I'm not trying to."

He shifted behind her. "And why not?"

For a brief moment, Shepard felt stunned to silence. But then she started to laugh, it wasn't funny. Nothing about this was even somewhat amusing. If anything she should have been scared shitless, she'd let herself be disarmed against a more powerful opponent and be held captive. Laughing was the only thing she could think to do, even when tears started to form at the corners of her eyes, she didn't stop.

He snarled at her to quit it, and that only made her laugh harder. Nihlus kicked the chair and she clattered to the floor right along with it, her armour protected her from the impact but it still jarred her to silence. "You think this is funny?"

Shepard looked up at him, able to fully see his face now and the warring set of expressions. His mandibles were drawn tight to his maxilla, his eyes burned, and she could see the utter fury battling with pain. She swallowed and her heart only pounded harder against her ribcage.

"No," Shepard said with all the feeling she could muster. "This is so many levels of fucked up, Nihlus. I'm somehow not dead, and the Reapers are still coming. The Council won't listen and neither will the Alliance, no one will listen to me. I have none of my networks, no contacts, no resources." -No you, she didn't say.- "There's just me with a crew made up of criminals, terrorists, and outcasts. So no, it's not funny!"

By the end, Shepard hadn't realized she was shouting. But her laboured breaths made it obvious once she stopped and the room fell quiet around her again.

She could see the cogs whirring behind Nihlus' eyes and the exact moment he decided to listen when his shoulder fell ever-so-slightly. He knelt down and pulled her chair up without much effort. Shepard felt jolted back to reality with the solid thump of all four feet hitting the floor as she was righted.

Nihlus stepped away after too brief a moment and pulled over another chair. He unlocked the cuffs with his Omni-tool as he straddled the seat, just as he had all those months- years- ago when she'd first told him about the loops. One forearm rested against the back of the chair while the other hand rubbed the back of his neck, almost ashamedly as Shepard rolled out her bad shoulder.

"So talk," he said.

And so she did. Just as she had before, Shepard told Nihlus the whole story, everything: The broken loop, waking up with Miranda screeching in her ears, her reinstatement, the new crew and the whereabouts of the old one, the Collectors and missing colonies. Finally, just when her voice had begun to go hoarse, she said: "I missed you."

Nihlus visibly stiffened beside her.

"I- I needed to say it. Because it's true, Nihlus." She turned away, looking toward the kitchen to watch as tiny drops of water escaped the tap. "I missed you, so damn much." Shepard didn't want him to say anything back, she couldn't take pity right now or the harsh truth that he didn't miss her. So she kept talking, not leaving him room to intervene. "After thirty years, you'd think I'd have gotten used to being alone in the galaxy. But I never did. I'd always wake up to Kaidan wishing me a good morning and the crew complaining about my alarm. You would always be waiting in the cockpit with Joker." She swallowed, wetness was forming at the corners of her eyes. "I lost you so many times."

When her glistening eyes finally let go of a tear, Nihlus wiped it away and pulled her into his arms.

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