Rayna
She watched him tear out of the parking lot. Her heart felt heavy and she clasped her hands together. "Deacon, please don't do anything crazy," she whispered to herself. The back of her throat hurt from trying not to break down in sobs. She needed to stay strong, she told herself. She couldn't let herself collapse. Then she hurried back into the studio and back to the room they'd been in. She grabbed her phone and called Cole.
"Hey there, Rayna," Cole said.
She was already talking over top of him. "Cole, I'm worried about Deacon."
"What's going on?"
"I told him about Maddie." She paused. "And he didn't take it great. I asked him to think about Maddie before he did anything he couldn't take back, but he left, and I don't know what state of mind he's in. Can you help me find him? I'm going to try to call him, but I don't think he'll answer me. Will you help me? Help him?"
"I wish you'd let me know you were doing this," he said. "Or at least talked to me before you told him."
She made an exasperated noise. "I'm sorry I didn't get your permission, but I already talked to Teddy and Tandy and I'd made up my mind this was the right thing to do. So I did." She paused. "Will you help me?"
"I will, but I need you to let me handle this. I'll let you know when I find him."
She couldn't help it, she started to cry. "Thank you," she said and hung up. She could only hope that what she'd said had gotten through to him. She noticed his guitar case then and walked over to pick it up. Then she grabbed her purse and left.
Deacon
The church was quiet. The pews were all white, with a dark wood trim. The windows were tall and the sunlight streaming through them filled the sanctuary with brightness. It was completely empty. He could see little dust motes drifting in the air. He looked down the center aisle, then turned and slid into the last pew. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been in a church for anything other than an AA meeting. Church had never really been part of his life. Worship and all that kind of thing had never been a part of his life. The program itself was based on God and the spiritual, that he knew, but he'd really not thought in those terms. Maybe it's time I do. He leaned forward, his elbows balanced on his legs. He put a hand over his mouth and felt the tears start to roll down his cheeks. Before he knew it he was shaking with silent sobs.
He still couldn't wrap his mind around the idea that Maddie was his daughter and that he hadn't known. He'd been her Uncle Deacon for all those years, never knowing she was his flesh and blood. He'd watched her grow up, but it wasn't the same. His chest hurt as he thought about how much he and Maddie had been cheated out of. He looked towards the front of the church, breathing in deeply, his hand shaking in front of his mouth. He loved Maddie. He loved both of Rayna's daughters. Because they were hers. He would never have believed it if someone had told him she would hide his daughter from him. He would never believe she would have betrayed him that way.
Please consider whatever you do in light of her. He put his hands together and tapped them against his mouth. He didn't want to fall into his old habits. Something like this would have really knocked him off balance. In fact, it had knocked him off balance. Sucker punched him. When he thought back to the days before he got sober, he knew he would have stormed off and headed for the first bar he could find. Truth be told, it was what he wanted to do right then. But he wanted to be strong, for Maddie's sake. The real question was if he could.
He reached in his pocket for his phone, when he heard it buzz. It was Rayna. He frowned and put it back in his pocket. He wasn't ready to hear from her or talk to her. Quite honestly, he wasn't sure when he would be. But then his mind went back to Maddie. She'd always been a little feisty, a little moody, but there had always been a sweetness to her. She loved music and that was always something that would make her smile. He thought about how she'd always gravitated to him, even when she was little. He thought about the day Rayna had asked him to come back to her band. They had met at Sound Check and she had Maddie with her.
He thought she looked nervous when he walked in. She had told him on the phone she wanted him to consider coming back as her bandleader. She wanted him to know she believed in him and supported him. She just wants to keep an eye on me. Just like always. Even if they weren't going to be together, she was still hovering, still not trusting him. He clenched his jaw. He'd been determined this time to make it work, to prove to her that she was wrong not to wait for him. He wanted her to see that he could do this.
"Hey, Rayna," he said as he walked into the room. He hadn't seen her since he'd been back in Nashville. She still looked beautiful, just like he remembered her. Well, that wasn't completely true. She didn't look so miserable now. He supposed having a husband and a baby – a family – was the reason for that.
She smiled, but was twisting her hands in front of her, a sure sign that she was anxious. "Hey, Deacon," she said, her voice soft and quiet. "You look really good."
He nodded. "I'm doing good. Working my program, going to meetings."
"I'm so glad." She breathed in and looked a little wistful. "I'm so glad to see you too." She took a couple steps towards him and hesitantly reached in to hug him.
He tentatively put his hands on her back and breathed in, smelling her same light perfume. He closed his eyes for a second. He had missed hugging her, talking to her, just being around her. She let him go then and he stepped back. "You too, Ray," he said. Just then he heard little noises and he raised his eyebrows. She looked a little flushed. "That your baby?"
She nodded. "Yeah, Maddie," she said. She walked over to the car seat, which was facing away from him. She reached in and then straightened up, her daughter in her arms. She walked back towards him and stopped, turning Maddie to face him. She smiled. "This is Maddie."
He caught his breath. Maddie was a pretty little thing, with dark hair and blue eyes. He saw a little bit of Rayna in her, but he supposed she looked more like Teddy. Maddie stared at him, then seemed to reach towards him. He walked a little closer. The little girl put her hand over her mouth, but he could see a tiny smile. His heart ached, thinking that it should have been him and Rayna, building their own family, instead of her building it with someone else.
He made an angry noise, shaking the memory away. He was right, but he hadn't known just how right he was. Back then he'd wanted to show Rayna he could do it and he fought to stay sober, especially in the beginning when it was hard. It was never easy, but as time had gone on he didn't have those urges as often. And he loved her. He wanted to show her how much.
Now, though, he desperately wanted to head to a bar and get so drunk he could erase everything Rayna told him. He was so angry at her and he wasn't sure how he'd get past that. He wished she'd never told him. He wished he'd never remembered them being together at the cabin. Drinking would let him erase all that. He breathed in deeply. Drinking wouldn't really make it go away though. He'd still have to deal with all of it, only with a hangover and the knowledge that his daughter would know his weaknesses and his failures. Please consider whatever you do in light of her.
He was a father now. Not in the way he'd always thought he would be. He'd always thought he and Rayna would do it together, that she would get pregnant and they would plan for that baby, for that family. They would put a nursery together, talk about names, maybe find out if it was a boy or girl or maybe not. He always thought he'd be there for all the changes she would go through, that he would go out in the middle of the night because she had a craving, and that he would hold her hand while she gave birth. And then they'd bring that baby home and make a family. But it wasn't how it had happened at all. He had watched his daughter grow up, participated in that growing up, without a clue.
He loved Maddie, had always loved her, because she was Rayna's daughter. It hadn't mattered to him that she was Teddy's, but now he knew she had never been. Not really. He wondered how Maddie would feel about it all. Would she be mad? Sad? Hurt? Confused? He thought she might feel some of the same things he was. Truth be told, he had been nervous about the idea of being a father, back in those days when he and Rayna had talked about a family. His role model wasn't good and he worried he'd be just as much a disappointment to his child as he had so often been to Rayna.
Rayna. Back then, when he'd shared his fears, she had reassured him. Told him he'd be a good father, because he would work hard not to be like his own. And that together they would raise up their children in a loving home, with laughter and light and love and music. But when that became a reality, that wasn't what had happened at all. She'd made a decision, taken advantage of the fact that he didn't remember, to carve out a different path, a different family. As angry as he was, he knew he'd been a mess back then. A part of him realized he shouldn't blame her completely for wanting to protect her baby. But he wasn't there yet. Wasn't sure when he would be. Didn't know what was next.
Maddie. He didn't know how to be a father to her. He still didn't really know what being a father meant. What he did know was that now that Rayna had told him, he still felt that fear, the fear of disappointing his daughter. Maybe she was better off not even knowing. He couldn't really wrap his mind around that though. He just wasn't sure he could be the father she deserved. It occurred to him she might not even want him to be her father, that she would push him away. Just the thought of that was like an arrow to his heart, and that surprised him.
He leaned forward again, rubbed his hands over his face, then looked up at the cross at the front of the church. I think I need your help. I don't know what I'm doing and I don't wanna do the wrong thing. I don't even know where to start though. His phone buzzed again then and he looked at it, expecting it to be Rayna again, but it was Cole. He stared at the screen until the call went to voice mail.
He felt like he was on his own.
Rayna
When she got home, she walked back to the music room. Everything was swirling around her and she realized she didn't even remember the drive home from the studio. She sat down on the couch, feeling herself shaking all over. She felt chilled to the bone and she wrapped her arms around herself. She couldn't stop shaking and then she leaned over and cried, hard sobs. She was glad she was alone in the house and she knew she had to get herself together before the girls came home, but she let herself give in to the grief and the heartache and the actual relief of having let go of that long-held secret, even though it had set in motion who only knew what.
When the sobs finally subsided and she finally felt the chill leave her, she shifted her body so that she was laying on the couch, her head on one of the pillows and her legs drawn up. She focused on her breathing and she thought about the conversation with Deacon.
"Deacon, I need to tell you the rest of what happened at the cabin and afterwards," she said. His eyes were focused on her but she couldn't read his expression. "That next morning, when I woke up and you were passed out on the couch, I felt so betrayed and like such a fool. I mean, I loved you, still love you, but you had fooled me yet again. I threw the ring back at you and then I got dressed and left. I called Cole when I got home and asked him to get you and put you in rehab." She swallowed hard. "I was devastated. I was ashamed. I couldn't tell anyone and I wouldn't have told anyone ever. But I found out I was pregnant."
He frowned. "After you picked back up with Teddy," he said, a statement, not a question.
She hesitated and then she nodded. "Technically that was true. I didn't tell Teddy what happened right away, but I felt so guilty about keeping it from him. And then I got sick. At first I thought it was the flu, but it lingered. It didn't take me long to realize I didn't have the flu at all. I was pregnant. I took a test and it was positive and I, well, I didn't really know what to do." She held onto his hands more tightly. "I got Tandy to take me to the doctor and she confirmed it. I was 6 weeks pregnant. That same day I found out you had walked out on rehab."
"What?"
She nodded. "The clinic called me. I was frantic, not knowing what you were doing or where you were. I knew I needed to find you, needed to tell you, because I was sure the baby was yours." The color seemed to drain from his face. "When I couldn't find you at home, I asked Tandy to take me to the cabin, which is where I found you." She breathed in slowly, feeling tears in her eyes and a burning in the back of her throat. "I was going to tell you, Deacon. That's why I went there."
"Then why didn't you?"
"You were drunk. You had probably started drinking before you got there. You had trashed the place. You were still out of control."
He narrowed his eyes. "I don't remember you being there."
"I know. I never let you know I was there. I wanted to, but Tandy stopped me. Reminded me that it wouldn't be good for me or for the baby. So we left and came back to Nashville."
"And so you what, let good old Teddy think it was his?"
She hesitated a second, then shook her head. "I told him the truth. And a few days later he came back and we talked about it and decided we would get married. We thought it would be best for Maddie." She paused. "And I put you back in rehab. One last time." She watched as he seemed to absorb that, unsure what he was thinking. "Deacon, I still wanted to tell you, but Teddy and I decided it was more important for you to get better."
He glared at her then. "No, you decided that. Teddy didn't give a shit about me. You decided, Rayna. You decided not to tell me. You had a choice and you decided. Just like you decided everything else in our life together."
"That's not true."
"Yes, it is." She could see the angry twitch in his jaw.
"Deacon, this wasn't about you and me. This was about Maddie. It was always about Maddie."
She had tried. She wanted him to think about their daughter, about what all of it could mean for her. She knew Maddie would be angry, but she didn't want to see Deacon make foolish choices that would just prove she'd been right. She desperately wanted him to understand that however he chose to respond would be what Maddie was left with, and to consider that carefully. She could only hope that's what he did.
The girls would be home soon, so she was putting out some fruit for them. She hadn't been able to sit still, sometimes just pacing, as she waited, hoping to hear something – anything – from Cole or Deacon. She'd left several more messages for Deacon, but he'd neither answered nor returned her calls. She had such an aching feeling in her gut, worried about what it meant. Then her phone buzzed and she practically pounced on it. Cole.
"Hey, Cole, did you find him?" she asked, breathlessly, as soon as she answered.
"He finally called me," Cole said. "I'm waiting for him now for a meeting."
She was glad Cole had made contact with him, but she was still anxious. "Is he...okay?"
"He says so. He said he was at a church." She scrunched her face up. "Said he sat in there for a long time, just thinking about everything."
"Can I...?"
"No," Cole said, interrupting her. "He's not interested in talking to you right now." He sighed on the other end of the phone. "Let me handle this right now, Rayna. You're going to have to give him some space. In fact, he's pulling in right now. I'll call you later."
"Wait, Cole." But he'd hung up. She leaned back against the counter, her phone still in her hand, and finally breathed that sigh of relief. She knew, of course, it was only for the moment. She'd watched him too many times as he spiraled out of control after a disappointment or something he couldn't handle or deal with. This was a lot, she knew that. It was layered – her lying to him, his lack of knowledge about Maddie, even his ability to process and deal with something this enormous. She hadn't known how else to handle it though, other than just rip off the band aid. In due time she'd have to do this all over again, only with their daughter, and she had no idea what to expect.
Deacon
He sat through the meeting silently, not trusting himself to say anything. Not ready to share that the love of his life had lied to him for over a decade. But he'd needed a safe place to ground himself. It had been pure luck, he'd thought, that he'd blindly pulled into the parking lot of a church. He had sat there for a long time. He wasn't sure just how long, but when he finally left, the sun had started the downward slope towards the horizon. No one had come into the sanctuary and so he hadn't had to talk to anyone.
He'd thought back through the uncovered memories, adding the details Rayna had provided. Frankie had been right after all. He was trying to put himself in Rayna's place, but he was struggling. He knew he'd been a mess. There was no denying that. He'd understood that last time he'd gone to rehab that it was his last chance. He knew that going to rehab four times – or five, as he now knew – meant his chances of success were low. He'd beaten the odds though. Life had thrown him curve balls in the ten years since and he'd conquered them, some more easily than others. He'd persevered, which had been hard in the beginning, but gradually became more of a habit. He felt better, slept better, felt unburdened in so many ways. And, he'd always thought, it gave him the chance with Rayna when she asked him back into her band.
He wondered what she thought, as she watched him and Maddie together all those years. Had she ever thought about telling him before? Did it stop bothering her after a while that she'd taken those years from him? Had she ever planned to tell him at all? What did she tell herself that let her do it and keep doing it? God knows, he would not have known had he not uncovered the memories of that fateful night at the cabin all those years ago.
And what was he going to do about Maddie? It wasn't going to be so simple as just walking into her life as her dad. That he knew instinctively. But he really didn't know much else. This was new territory.
"Deacon?" He turned sharply to look at Cole, who had a concerned frown on his face. "You okay?"
He nodded. "Yeah." He could see that things had wrapped up and folks were getting up to leave.
"You want to stop and get some coffee?"
He thought about that. Cole had known about Maddie, that was obvious now. It bothered him almost as much as Rayna keeping things from him bothered him. He looked hard at Cole. "How come you never told me?" he asked. People were mostly gone and those that weren't were headed out the door.
Cole sighed and looked defeated. "Wasn't my story to tell."
"Yet you were the one who told Rayna to let me go." One of the things Rayna had told him was that Cole had strongly suggested cutting him loose as a way to help him get better.
Cole looked at him a little more sharply then. "Deacon, she was always too softhearted when it came to you and to your drinking. I know she pushed you to go to rehab and gave you ultimatum after ultimatum in between, but she struggled to really let you go. This gave her a chance to do that, so you could figure out how to do this on your own. Don't think for a second it was easy for her, but it was the right thing to do."
He scowled. "You had no right."
"I had to do it, Deacon. I watched it happen. Over and over again. You were destroying her bit by bit. Destroying yourself." He breathed out in a rush. "She wanted to tell you, Deacon. She tell you that? How she and Tandy went to the cabin and you were out of control?" He clenched his jaw and said nothing. "It wasn't the only time she wanted to tell you. But she was scared. Scared of what the future would hold. She felt helpless, but she knew she needed to protect that baby." He paused. "Think about how you grew up, Deacon. Remember all the things you told me about your own father and the life you had."
"I would never have hurt her."
Cole raised his eyebrows. "You sure? I don't think you'd have physically hurt Rayna or Maddie, but emotionally you could have. It was a hard life for Rayna. Think about how it would've been for Maddie. Seeing that, growing up with that. The way you did."
He put his head down. When he took the physical abuse out of his childhood, it had still been a hard life. The uncertainty, the fear, the pain of growing up with an alcoholic father and an enabler for a mother. He had loved his mom, but she hadn't been able to protect him and Beverly. She'd stepped in between them as much as she could, but it really hadn't saved any of them. He'd had to save himself, by getting out of Natchez. But even coming to Nashville hadn't kept his father's demons from becoming his own. And Rayna hadn't been able to help him, as much as she'd tried. As angry as he was at her, he still loved her. He knew he would love her for the rest of his life. But he didn't know that things could ever go back to where they were and he wasn't sure if he'd be able to let her back in.
Cole put a hand on his shoulder and he looked up at his sponsor. "Let's get a cup of coffee," he said, sounding sympathetic.
He hesitated and then shook his head. "I'm gonna pass," he said and stood up. Cole stood up as well.
"Can you handle this on your own?" Cole asked.
"Yeah, I think so." He shoved his hands in his pockets. "I gotta think about Maddie. I know that. I don't know how to be a father and I got no idea how this'll all shake out, but one thing I ain't gonna do is disappoint her. No matter how hard it is to do it, I don't ever want her to see what her mama saw. Ever."
Cole looked uncertain. "Will you call me if you need me?"
He breathed in. He thought if he needed someone he'd probably call Frankie. But he didn't really want to get into that now, so he nodded. "Sure thing."
Cole hesitated, but then held his hand out. "Just let me know. And if you want to go to a meeting tomorrow, I can be here."
He shook Cole's hand. "Thanks," he said, with a tight smile. There was a little bit of an awkward silence and then Cole raised his hand and turned towards his car. He watched as his sponsor drove out of the parking lot and then he walked over to his truck. He got in and then sat for a moment. He could feel the pull, wanted to drown the hurt and pain. He breathed in deeply, then reached for his phone. "Hey, Frankie," he said when the other man answered. "You up for a cup of coffee?"
Rayna
She sat on the couch in the den, her legs pulled up in front of her, her arms wrapped around them. She felt anxious, afraid, worried about Deacon. She knew she had to give him some space, but her instincts were in overdrive. She wanted to protect him, be there for him, but she knew she was the last person he wanted to have around. It felt a lot like it had all those years ago, when she waited for him, wondering where he was, whether he was alive or dead. She picked up her phone for what felt like the hundredth time. Still nothing. She'd called him probably 50 times, but he never answered. She'd left at least half that many messages, it felt like, but he never returned her calls. She hadn't heard from Cole either. All she could do was wait.
As she sat there, deep in thought, the back door burst open and the girls came tumbling into the kitchen. She put her legs down as Daphne came running across the room. "Mom!" she cried, waving a large piece of paper. She plopped down onto the couch and smiled broadly. "Look!" She held out the paper, a drawing of a house with 4 people standing off to the side.
She took it in her hands and then looked over at her youngest daughter. "What is this?" she asked, with a smile.
Daphne pointed. "That's our house." The fact that it was 2 stories was the only resemblance it had to their house. Then she pointed to each stick figure. "And you and Daddy and Maddie and me."
She felt a sadness in her heart. Daphne was so young to have to deal with the fracturing of her family and she still had some difficulty with it. She put her arm around her daughter and hugged her. "This is beautiful, sweetie. Are you going to put it up in your room?"
Daphne nodded. "I am."
She looked over at Maddie, standing at the open refrigerator. "Maddie, honey, there's fruit," she said. She could see the annoyed rigidity of her oldest daughter's body.
Maddie turned around, a bottle of water in her hand. There was the flash of annoyance on her face but then it went away. "Just water's okay," she said.
"Do you have homework?" She felt little pricks of anxiety, thinking about when she would need to tell Maddie the truth about Deacon. She had wanted to wait until she knew Deacon was able to deal with it, but she also wanted the whole situation to be out in the open so they could all deal with it. She couldn't do it without Teddy's involvement though, so she had to be mindful of that. She had gone for a long time without being so focused on how much Maddie looked like Deacon and acted like Deacon, but now she was feeling it again.
She loved both her girls the same, but Maddie was different. Maddie was who she and Deacon had created, the one who, other than Deacon himself, had been the one she'd wanted most in the world. Her dreams had been both big and intimate. She'd achieved her big dreams of success as an artist, as a songwriter, as an entertainer. But the intimate dreams she'd had had been elusive. She had the family she always wanted, but it hadn't been in the form she'd always believed it would be. She'd been raising her girls up with Teddy, creating that family, but Teddy had not really been the one she'd thought she'd be doing it with. She had dreamed every night, until Maddie was nearly a year old, of that family she'd always thought she'd have with Deacon. Maddie reminded her of that every day.
Maddie shrugged. "Some," she said.
She needed to get out of the house, needed to burn off some of the nervous energy she had. She looked from Maddie to Daphne. "What do you think about going and getting mani-pedi's and then going over to the mall?"
"Yes!" Daphne cried, jumping up from the couch.
Maddie's face lit up. "Really? That would be awesome."
She got up from the couch, smiling. "Let's do it then. Y'all go change, okay?" She stood, watching them run for the stairs, and tried to push aside her worry and anxiety so she could enjoy spending some time with her girls, in the calm before the inevitable storm.
Deacon
Frankie was already there and he slid in across from him. He waited until the waitress had poured him coffee. He waved off the menu and she walked away. He just sat for a moment, looking down at the coffee mug. He appreciated that Frankie didn't push. Finally he looked up. "You were right," he said.
"About?"
"What Rayna wasn't telling me. Maddie."
Frankie raised his eyebrows. "What are you gonna do about it?"
"I don't know." He paused. "I still gotta wrap my mind around it. Figure out how I'm gonna make sure I don't go to a bar or stop off at a liquor store and end up drowning it all in a bottle of whiskey." He rested his elbows on the table and ran his hands over his face, drawing them down and breathing in deeply.
Frankie just looked at him, then leaned forward. "You done this for how long now? Ten years?"
He hunched his shoulders. "Yeah."
"Look, I know this had to be a real blow. It's hard to move past something this big. But, man, you got a kid now, and you gotta put a lot of stuff aside for them. Believe me, I know how it is to be selfish and not think about that little girl who's watching you." He sighed. "I made a mess of things with Cash. I'm trying to repair all that now and it ain't easy. I know you've known Rayna's daughter her whole life basically. Now things'll be different. It might take some time but don't screw it up. Don't be like me and lose years with her because you're only thinking of your own pain."
He knew Frankie was right. Ten years would be a lot of time to throw away, but it was tearing him apart. Rayna lied to him, he had a daughter he never knew about, and she had grown up right under his nose. He'd taught his daughter how to play the guitar and never knew it. He'd carried her around on his back before soundcheck, hugged her when he hadn't seen her in a while, loved her because she was Rayna's. But she wasn't just Rayna's, she was his, and that was the part he kept coming back to. She was his and he'd never known. Maybe he would never have known. He didn't know why now Rayna had decided she had to tell him. Or why it couldn't have been sooner, when Maddie was younger and they would have had more time. "You're right," he said. "It's hard to think about though."
"She know yet?"
He shook his head. "Rayna just told me. I guess to make sure I wasn't gonna fall off the wagon, or something."
Frankie gave him a look. "And you're talking about doing just that."
He sighed. "Yeah, I guess you're right. So what do I do?"
"You do what you always do. Work the program. Go to meetings. Get help from people. Me, your sponsor, other people in the meetings. And think about your daughter. Maybe get a picture of her and look at it any time you think you might want to wallow in it. Remind yourself what you're doing it for."
He sat and listened to Frankie, knowing he was right. He thought about Frankie's own story, how his drinking crept up on him and then destroyed his marriage, his career, and took away his daughter. He'd seen Frankie's daughter's picture many times. "That what you do?"
Frankie nodded. "Yeah. I been sober about as long as you have. It hasn't been easy. She was old enough to know what she was seeing, back when I was at the bottom. She pushed me away for a long time and it hurt. We're healing now though. She's the best thing I got in my life and it's worth it to do this for her."
He nodded. "Thanks."
As he drove home, he thought about what Frankie had said about his own daughter. He was at a loss, though, as to what to do next. He parked his truck on the street and pulled out his phone. He thought about texting, but he didn't really like doing that much. So he called instead.
"Deacon, are you okay?" she asked as soon as she answered.
He felt anger in the pit of his stomach again. "I'm good, Rayna. I ain't drunk or nothing."
"I've been so..."
"I know," he said, cutting her off. "You been worried. I'm handling it. But I got questions."
"I'll answer whatever you want."
"Meet me tomorrow. Noon." He didn't wait to hear her response as he disconnected.
She was already there when he drove up. When he got out of the truck and walked over to the top of the hill, she turned and looked up at him. Then she got up and stood facing him. He hopped down to the ground and slowly headed for her. She held her hand over her face, squinting against the sun. He stopped a couple feet from her and pushed his hands in his pockets.
She smiled just a little. "Hey." He just inclined his head. "I, uh, I'm glad you called me. How are you?"
He barked out an irritated laugh. "How do you think, Rayna?" he asked. "I mean, I been putting together all these pieces of a dream and it turns out it wasn't a dream at all, but real. And then the part I didn't know is that you got pregnant and I find out you hid my daughter from me for over a decade. How do you think I am?"
She frowned. "I told you how things were then, Deacon. It wasn't as simple as just telling you."
"So what really happened, Rayna? You said you wanted to tell me. So what did you think was gonna happen when you did?"
Her eyes flashed angrily. "I was hoping you'd be happy. That you'd want to raise our baby up together. That you would commit to getting better, and staying better. That when you were finished with rehab that we'd go home – together – and figure out how to be parents. And whatever else that meant." He could see her set her jaw. "I wanted to marry you, Deacon. Be your wife. Raise Maddie together and be that family we always talked about. Take her on the road with us. And then when we came home, we'd go to the cabin and give her that normal life you and I never had."
He swallowed over the lump in his throat. "So, what? You change your mind when you got there?"
She shook her head. "You were gone, Deacon. I went inside and asked for you and that's when they told me you'd checked yourself out. That very day." He hadn't known that. "I went to the house looking for you, but you weren't there at all. Tandy drove me to the cabin and that's where I found you, drunk, tearing up the place." He could see the tears in her eyes. He wanted to ask about that, but he couldn't speak. She laughed, a sarcastic sound. "Can you believe I was still going to tell you? Even seeing you like that?" She shook her head. "I loved you, Deacon. I was having our baby, a baby we made out of love. I didn't want to do it without you. Tandy got me to see things the way they were, though. I know you'll probably blame her, but she was right. I saw right then what our lives would be like and I couldn't do that to our baby."
He lowered his head. He was angry still, and hurt, but also humbled by what he'd thrown away, albeit unknowingly. Something she'd said struck him. Raise Maddie together and be that family we always talked about. Take her on the road with us. Maddie had come out on the road with them. From the time she was 1 until the present day. All summer long. He'd seen a lot of firsts with her. Her first words. Her first skinned knee. He'd seen her sunny, smiling face and felt her loving hugs around his neck. He'd taught her her very first guitar chords. She'd leaned her head on his shoulder on long bus rides when she would fight going to bed. He thought about all the times she'd told him she loved him. And called him Uncle Deacon. He felt his blood boil then. All those moments he had with her, but he'd never known. He looked up at her and frowned. "Why did you ask me back in your band, Rayna?" he asked. He could hear the controlled rage in his voice and he could see she'd heard it too.
She looked away for a second, then back. "I wanted you to be part of her life, Deacon," she said quietly.
He breathed out and shifted from one leg to the other. "It's not the same, Rayna. You know that." He rubbed his face with his hands. "Were you ever gonna tell me? Tell her?"
She opened her mouth, then closed it. She breathed in deeply. "I'm telling you now." She stood up then. "Maybe it doesn't mean anything to you, but I have wanted to from the moment she was born. I have watched you as you stayed sober, worked hard to overcome all that, and you don't know how many times I wanted to tell you."
"But you let Teddy talk you out of it. I'll bet it wasn't that hard."
She clenched her fists. "It was impossible, Deacon!" she cried. "It was a no win situation, for everyone except Maddie. Yes, maybe I should have told you anyway. But when I found out you'd left rehab and, well, that just said to me you weren't ready. I couldn't be the one you got sober for, so how could I trust you'd get sober for her."
"But I did get sober."
"You did. But think about it from my perspective. I'd put you in rehab for the fourth time. The fourth time. I ended up having to do it a fifth time, with no guarantee anything would be different. All I could see was that same cycle and how it played out over and over again. And then when you did get sober and you showed me you could really do it, what was I supposed to do? When's the best time to blow up your kid's life?"
"Why did you tell me now?" He was still angry, even though some of what she'd said was starting to sink in a bit.
"You kept asking questions. You had remembered so much of what happened, that I knew it was just a matter of time before you started to put things together. I decided it would be better if it came from me. Look, I know you resent me, probably more than that. I wanted to tell you a hundred times before but I couldn't think of the words to say. And I was worried, about you. You were making this work and I didn't want to be the cause of you failing." He could see tears on her face, but he steeled himself against giving in to that. "I just didn't know how to do it so that no one got hurt."
"That wasn't possible though, was it?" He shook his head. "I loved you, Rayna. You're the only one I've ever loved. I stood by and waited, hoping that someday it would be our time. And now I know you were hiding something so big from me that it was gonna blow us up. 'Cause that's where we are now. You blew us up." He swallowed hard. "I can't be around you right now. And I know I gotta figure something out because of Maddie, but I need space."
She was twisting her hands in front of her. "What does that mean?"
"I'm quitting your band. I ain't going out on tour with you. Me and you? We're done." He breathed out. "Funny how you kept telling me we were done. That we couldn't go back to the way things were. And now I know it's because of this. Because you knew you had this secret and you couldn't risk it. so we really are done." He turned to leave, then turned back, glaring at her. He pointed at her with his hand. "I wanna know when you're telling Maddie and then we can figure out how that's gonna work. I get it that I was a mess then and you felt like you had no options, but there was always another way to have handled it. Now you got to live with what you chose." He finally turned and walked away, headed for his truck.
