once again to my lovely reviewer who told me that i needed a little more variety and less angst, thanks again. but like nothing has changed much and i'm just here pouring my trauma through this so yep. Still angsty af. i tried. it didn't work. i promise the next chapter will be lighter if i ever get to updating.

Previously, on Chakra Wires...

"I'm right here," he said to reassure her. It wasn't easy seeing her so torn up. "I'm alive. You have me. You'll always have me."
Tenten shook her head over and over, like she was fighting to convince herself it was a dream, not to get her hopes up. "You—you left, Neji. You can't promise anything."

She walked away then, leaving him confused. Neji rubbed his temples, frustrated at the world and himself. He relied on her to be something stable enough that he could hang onto her to keep himself afloat in the midst of chaos. Yet now, she was floating away too.
All the times she had told him she was pulling away made him wonder if this would be them breaking apart again, if this was the moment that she left him. Yet they were only built on kisses and sharing a bed and everything else was missing. While he felt like he had poured out all his vulnerability into her hands, he couldn't find her doing the same. He felt like the only one trying consistently as she impulsively decided to give in.

"How was it?"
Tenten smiled as if it was the most normal conversation in the world. Little did she know that his inner voice was screaming inside with bitterness. "It was actually not that bad. Kind of a nice release after all the shit we've been through this week. There just wasn't enough chemistry to make it more than a one-time thing though."
Neji didn't know if that was supposed to make him relieved.

18—Reverse Nightmare

tw: slight ableism.

He dreamt a lot in the past few nights, but they were not of nightmares by any means. Neji dreamt of the most beautiful things, of lavender fields and hot springs overlooking mountains and of course, her. Tenten was in all of them in the most haunting ways. In ways that made him forget their breakup and the heartbreak.

They were fine in those dreams.

Because when he was asleep in a dream, his reality was altered into a situation his mind could accept more than the one when he was awake. After all, who would want to experience a world that was painful, even if it was real?

So Neji began a twisted relationship with sleep because it was so much better than his relationship with Tenten at the moment.

Neji would blink and then there would be coffee-coloured eyes and hair like milk chocolate. He would try to keep his eyes open only for him to start a daydream. He would try to keep busy but a shrill call of his voice would send him into a blank state without thought. She seemed to be everywhere, anywhere, no matter where he went. For at home she'd be in his arms and at home she'd be around the corner and when it really was her he would ignore her and the more they'd stop talking.

He didn't know if he would be able to continue like this, seeing her mostly in his dreams and wondering what, if there was something he could have done differently to have made her stay. But was there really another option? Could he have her back?

The thought of it, what had he done wrong, what hadn't he done right, lived in his mind and ate up his thoughts even in meditation. It would be impossible that Tenten had some sort of wrong in this, right? After all, she had the most to lose. She had lost him before. He remembered her sad eyes, the way she spoke of needing to be the one who put herself first and how no one would do that for her.

He had wanted to tell her she was ridiculous, that surely, someone out there loved her so much that they would put her life easily over their own, would touch skies and bend earth for her. Yet he wasn't the type of person to lie like that, nor had their relationship been the type where they would say pretty words for comfort. He knew that had he lived at that time where things were different, he would comfort her by lying and say that she was the most important person to someone. Perhaps he realized then how lonely the world was, even with the companions who claimed to stay for eternity.

Yet suddenly, or maybe gradually like glaciers thawing rather than a fires spreading, things started to shift. Half of his thoughts involved her, so slowly that he didn't notice because at the time, with abrupt kisses and shitty life events, it would be foolish not ot think of her. Another day would pass and the previous days events would be in his head, but never fully there. He grew more and more addicted to her lips, his coherent thoughts on regular days started to become more and more muddled.

He tried. He really did everything he could to get over Tenten. He went to train early only to realize how bland it was without a sparring partner or a domino of sarcastic remarks. It had been so painfully obvious here than it was when he willingly chose to be alone. He went out for ramen only to realize he hadn't anyone laugh with or argue over the bill with. Perhaps what really hit him harder than the rest was when he decided on a rare impulse to go to his father's grave.

Neji usually went to his father's grave on a bi-weekly basis just to say a few words or to make sure the flowers hadn't drowned in the rain. But he bought a bouquet of white lilies and stood there with his umbrella, completely at a loss for words. Yet suddenly they streamed through. He told his father about Tenten, not it was anything new, and he told him about the terrifyingly beautiful dreams and how often he thought of her.

"I just want to get over her!" he had almost yelled. Yet the storm raged and his umbrella shook but there was no response other than the howling wind. He would only ask a stone engraved with tragedy what he should do.

And on the off chance there was a response, he'd never be able to hear it.

He found that the busy bustling of Konoha's central hospital had positively distracted him from overthinking anything, which was mostly a relief. Codes announced over the intercoms and nurses scribbling legible writing on their boards completely flipped his attention to his mentor instead and the pain of the recent events receded momentarily.

When he reached the room he was told to meet at, Neji was relieved to see that it was much less desolate than the previous rooms that he had visited. Plants lined the walls and photography of the nearby countries were pasted near the large windows. Upon finishing a quick scan, he nodded towards Gai, situated in the middle of the room.

Gai smiled at him as he closed the door. Sakura stood beside his mentor, wearing a pair of casual scrubs, lacking her usual white lab coat. She too, offered him a small smile and he formed a frown when he realized that Lee wasn't there before him as he usually would have been.

"How are you feeling?" Neji started, deciding to leave the questions regarding his teammate for later. Gai was supporting himself on the two metal bars, little weight put onto his two prosthetic legs. While the metal on his lower half was unfamiliar and still hard to look at, the muscles on his arms were still just as defined as they were before the war.

The beam of his pearly white smile glided across the room, temporarily blinding Neji in a moment that even his Byakugan couldn't see through. Yet he could only smile back, knowing that such a beam had only even brought and resembled something positive, something he needed right about then.

"I'm doing great!" Gai replied. Even the rain couldn't dull down the cheeriness in his attitude, but Neji was still skeptical.

To be certain, he rotated his gaze towards Sakura, her lips quirking up the slightest, her posture steady.

"I hadn't expected less for Gai to make a recovery faster than the regular patient," she gave, though her smile retreated as her eyes fell upon his hands, taut white while clenched around the parallel bars. "Though it isn't to say that I hadn't expected him to push himself to the brink either."

Neji released an exasperated sigh. He too, had expected his mentor to over-exert himself in the excitement of being able to start walking again. After all, what would their team be without the absolute insanity of expectation they often threw onto themselves? Yet it had been three years since he had lost the movement in his legs and the muscles built there were bound to have deteriorated following such a long time and he wondered if the goals set were much too high to reach.

"Is Lee arriving?" he inquired, finding that it was the only subject he could bring up at that moment.

Gai shook his head briefly, looking out the window as if they'd see the wide-eyed jonin. "He's on a mission,"

Neji frowned for the briefst moment but hid it under his neutral expression. "That is quite a last minute mission. Is it urgent?"

"I don't think so," his mentor slowly lowered himself from the bars, his weight shifting to his lower body. "I believe he will be back in a week. Lee told me it was an A-rank, so nothing out of the ordinary for a jonin like him…"

His attention however, was currently focused on the movement of Gai's legs, completely ignorant to the answer his question received. Gai's weight was now completely on his feet. His thighs shook slightly until they tensed.

"Try to take a step," Sakura suggested.

The tension in the room was thick, focused upon the top jonin as he hesitantly swung a leg forward, the prosthesis snapping in place abruptly, the heel of the foot touching the ground before it pressed flat. Gai removed his hands from the bars to readjust his grip but with a terrifying glas, he fell to the ground, indistinguishable metals scraping together.

Neji raced towards him and scanned the situation, making sure that nothing was wrong, without blood, without broken bones. Sakura tossed aside her clipboard and crowded him similarly.

"Gai-sensei, are you okay?" he asked with a tone of urgency.

"I'm fine, do not worry about me, Neji" Gai smiled, though it was noticeably not as bright as usual.

His voice was stiff and forced. The pain of his wound was still relatively fresh from his surgery, still bruised, still slightly swollen. He decided not to mention it, only offered out his hand for assistance.

"I'm fine," Gai insisted another time. He attempted to untable and regan his stance but barely was able to lift them apart. Beads of sweat rolled down his face and Neji clenched his jaw, uncomfortable. It pained him to see his mentor like this, unable to move and struggling. Gai had seemed invincible since they were twelve and nothing even appeared to be a true challenge, not like this at least.

Neji glanced over at Sakura, her jade eyes sorrowed in empathy, understanding his silent plea. She gathered her clipboard among the silence and dipped her head in respect.

"I'll give the two of you some space,"

The door squeaked before clicking shut and Neji took the new silence to exhale. Gai propelled himself upwards with his arms as he couldn't gather the strength to do so with his prosthetic legs. It presented itself as an accomplishment, the motion of standing with his arms but to the two of them, it was nearly a failure, though more to Gai.

Neji knew the motto was "better than yesterday" and "hard work and determination" but to Gai, his inability to support himself with his lower lad and the resortment to his arms meant giving up. It didn't make a lot of sense, not really. It was a small act, not one that completely determined the face of his recovery. Yet Neji decided that though ridiculous, it was reasonable.

Yet the uncomfort and the humiliation on his mentor's face was simply too hard to ignore and Neji could not keep himself formo looking away in respect.

"You requested that Lee received a mission, didn't you?" he said slowly, though the question felt wrong, it felt like he had been invading his mentor's privacy.

Neji could imagine the fine lines at the corner of Gai's eyes receding more and more as his mouth started to curve into a frown. The two of them were esilent for a moment, the loudest noise the humming of the fluorescent lights. He kept his stare at nothing, as if they were a pair of eyes, as if "nothing" would shrivel under the glare that most people feared. He prayed that his mentor would say something for a while.

He never liked to start conversations he had never felt an urge to either. Yet he had truly not expected Gai to speak either, despite wishing for it.

"Pull me a chair, will you, Neji?"

He literally scrambled up and searched the room with his pale eyes quickly before scampering to fulfill the request. He shoved it by Gai's side and crossed his arms to his back, waiting quietly as the retired ninja propelled himself onto the seat with practiced ease.

And to his surprise or utter horror, Gai rolled up the hem of his shorts and started to remove his prosthesi, revealing a white bandaging beneath the cups. Neji didn't know whether to stare to look away, neither seemed respectful. It seemed too vulnerable of a place to be in, that he was holding nothing but something fragile at the same time. Even with years of collaboration, it was unfathomable that Gai, his father figure, trusted Neji as much as Neji trusted him.

"I've always found it interesting," Gai started as he massaged his limb slowly. "How perceptive the three of you are, but always in different ways."

Neji pulled himself a chair as well so he rested at eye level. "Elaborate, please."

A chuckle decorated the room. "Tenten, for instance, she always sees someone for exactly who they are nearly immediately, even if she doesn't want to admit it. She saw your pain through your arrogance. Saw through Lee despite her annoyance with him. She reconciled with Temari despite her humiliation. Lee on the other. Lee on the other hand, he sees through the relationships. He recognizes the looks, the love, the heartbreak…"

The look that Gai gave him could only confirm that the leader of their team saw through all of it.

"And you, Neji, see motives, don't you. You saw Naruto's motives, you knew what he strove for, even if you didn't believe he could achieve them. You have seen my motives, and I don't think I need to explain them to you if you already know the answer."

Neji swallowed. "Gai-sensei, I'm not sure I see it correctly."

"Or do you just not want to admit that I am not perfect, even in my heart?" he said, his voice raspy, nearly old for a minute.

And he was right, as always. Neji didn't want to believe that Gai couldn't face the mental aspect of being in a vulnerable state. For him to use Kakashi, his husband, the Hokage to deliver Lee a last minute mission because he didn't want Lee to see him struggling like never before felt like an imperfection. He would never believe that Gai had failed them, nothing could ever change that. Yet it also seemed impossible for him not to be brave enough to face his own student, one that looked up to him completely.

"I had never expected you to be perfect," he said.

Gai smiled. "I know, Neji. But it's easier for you to believe that I am, isn't it? It's a lot easier to believe you can be perfect yourself if you can see someone else is. It's a lot easier to have hope."

He swallowed thickly. It was often hard to appreciate the brutal truth that his teacher spelled out for him. He wanted to say that it wasn't true, that he didn't want to be perfect, but Gai's smile gave him a strange feeling when looking at him. "Is there another motive behind that statement?"

"I guess nothing escapes you, huh," he chuckled. "Do you think that you have hope for yourself?"

It was a hard question. A question he didn't know if he was ready to face. After all, with the two possible answers, one was unrealistic, the other was self-destructive. And he was glad that Gai was more perceptive than their trio combined because he didn't have to answer it.

"How did we get to talking about me," he muttered.

"When do we ever talk about me?" Gai laughed as he reached forward and patted Neji on the shoulder. "Don't worry about it. My husband hears it all. Now let me get back to recovery."

Neji sighed in exasperation as Gai grabbed his metal legs again, buckling them into his stump. "You must take it easy."

He was met with another sturdy laugh. "Take your own advice, will you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Tenten. Don't you think that you need to be less hard on yourself? I know it hurts, but that's the process. It will be hard, trust me, but you'll learn to let go."

"Wasn't I supposed to have hope?" he questioned.

Gai shook his head. "There's a fine balance between depending on someone and having hope. I hope you find that balance, Neji. it's incredibly dangerous otherwise."

That was all he was left with before his focus was redirected to his mentor's recovery.

A steaming bowl of soba was placed by the barstools, the warm aroma a contrast to the gloominess of the evening. There were few people in the soba shop, those who were there were alone like him, slowly eating without seeming to enjoy it. Neji tried to occupy his time reading again but something about the situation demanded him not to.

As he closed the textbook, he looked up to see the waitress replacing the soy sauce pitcher there, smiling at him.

"Are you sure I can't get you anything to drink?" she asked, smiling lightly.

He considered it for a moment before giving in. "I'll have a bottle of sake, then."

She nodded before retreating behind the counter to heat it. He watched her actions, slightly intrigued by her steady confidence and her stability. As she walked towards him with the open bottle, he noticed that it didn't slosh, her footsteps nearly silent. She must have been a retired ninja, chunin at least.

"Enjoy," she said.

He dipped his head in thanks and wanted as she looked around, without anything to do. She flickered her gaze in his direction again, lingering for a moment. He could feel her eyes scanning across him, taking a good look. It was nearly uncomfortable, unfamiliar, to feel another set of eyes roam his body that weren't Tenten's, to feel satisfaction in it as well.

Neji didn't know what he was supposed to do. It had only been a few weeks since she had broken up with him, not very long even considering how long they had dated. What had it been? A few months? He would have liked to think it was more. He would have liked to think that they weren't just some sort of relationship disaster. It was too early for this, wasn't it?

"Any interesting plans for the week?" she started, pale skin glowing against the candlelight. Her skin was smooth, without fault. Maybe she hadn't been a chunin, or maybe she hadn't handled weapons. It was nearly impossible to be a ninja and to be without scars. Her figure was soft and curvy, without the obvious bulk of muscle throughout her arms and abdomen. Her hands were elegant, nails long like almonds, nicely manicured. She wasn't like Tenten, not at all.

"Some training, I supposed," he offered. "And you?"

"No," she said. "I'm absolutely too free. I'm not even working."

"Why not?" he said dully, barely interested in the small talk.

"Don't need me. Fewer customers come in with the rain." she explained, also seemingly bored.

"Hn," Neji stirred his soup. "Spend some time with your companions,"

"They're busy with their boyfriends,"

"And you?"

"I don't do relationships. Too much work."

He nearly snorted. That wasn't the first time he heard that. However in this situation it barely harmed him. Did the opposite, perhaps. "I cannot argue with you there."

"Yea?" she asked, seemingly more intrigued. "What happened to you?"

"Excuse me?"

"No one just doesn't want a relationship unless they have a traumatic reason."

Neji rolled his eyes. "My last girlfriend lacked a traumatic reason to not want to be with me until she was with me."

"Oh, there had to have been one," the waitress said. "You'll figure it out."

"Sure," he sighed, finishing off his sake. Maybe this waitress, while seemingly unremarkable, had enough wisdom in her words. He had his fair share of trauma, after all. He wondered which one led him most closely to this position.

"Need another?"

"Yea"

And he really did need another bottle of sake. He drank that it quickly. They made small talk for a bit. She wasn't very interesting but not exceptionally dull either. Yet by the time he had asked for a third bottle, she revealed that her shift was over and would be leaving it to the other waiter. So instead he asked for his bill.

"You said you didn't do relationships," she said as she scribbled her signature on his receipt.

"Not at the moment," he replied, though deep down he wondered if he'd ever really get over Tenten. It seemed like an impossible prospect. It felt like his heart belonged to her.

"Do you do other things?"

He blanked out for a moment, confused. Partly, he was puzzled as to what her question was sugesting but also to whether or not she was implying that. And part of him was screaming that it was a bad idea. He wasn't ready for this, not really. He wasn't ready to be intimate with someone other than Tenten.

Yet another part wondered when he would ever be, when he would ever be over the teammate he had learned to see in a way he'd never unsee. It seemed impossible. It felt like he depended on her for everything. But what else would he do? Sulk around and wait for eternity?

"For you I would," he said, raising his eyebrow to gauge her reaction. Had he not possessed the grace, he swore he would have barfed a little, not at her but himself.

He shouldn't have been surprised at her reaction. Her smirk was wide and her eyes with mirth. She raised an eyebrow and flung her hair over her shoulder confidently.

"Let me get changed," she leaned over and said into his ear, lips dangerously close. His heart didn't skip beats, only became slightly faster. His breath didn't catch, was only held. "Meet me at the back of the restaurant."

He nodded quickly, eager for something. He didn't know if it was to get it over with or to meet her. He wondered if it was both.

Yet he brushed off these thoughts and stood, sandaled feet heavy as he headed out of the restaurant. The bells ringing were white noise, footsteps seemingly non-existent. He barely comprehended walking towards her nor did he comprehend her grabbing his arm and pinning him against the wall, kissing him in the places he had not thought someone else would touch.

His mind went drowsy in confusion, dizzy in numbness. He ended up in her apartment, a humble complex with white walls and cozy decoration. Her bed was soft but it was cold, her window letting in light but made him feel vulnerable.

Neji let her do what she wanted to him. She tore off his shirt, unbuckled his trousers, she spread her fingers over the areas he had longed for someone else to. She gave him the pleasure that he had wanted but not from her.

He didn't remember kissing her, really. He didn't remember doing a lot for her, but his memory was fuzzy. Because when he was on top of her, meeting eyes that were the wrong colour, moans the wrong pitch, he could feel her shaking, trembling, telling him that he must have done something right in that moment.

Her nails raked against his back. Neji realized with great astonishment and shame that for a moment, blanked out in a feeling that was animalistic and not at all humane, he had forgotten about Tenten, had forgotten about comparing the waitress from the restaurant with her. He found that the thoughts of her, the thoughts of a girl who haunted him throughout most of the nights had come back stronger as he came down from a feeling of non-feeling, and he hated that.

He found himself going again, trying to hold onto a stranger whom he cared not of her judgment and not of her anything to satisfy him the cravings of numbness. His gritted teeth made his jaw ache and his hair nearly dripped with sweat but he continued. He focused rather on the pain of her nails digging furiously into her back as she screamed encouragement, the encouragement he did not ignore.

They finished on top of each other inelegantly. Yet it wasn't like he had expected it to be. There wasn't much grace to all the noise loud enough to wake up her entire apartment building so it would be ridiculous to believe that coming down from his high would be better than flopping down like a fish taking its last breath.

It was too awkward. Much too awkward.

Neji returned to his undergarments and grabbed the towel they had lain beneath them, tossing it into the laundry bin by her bedside. She changed the sheets, spreading them out onto the mattress.

"Do you want to take a shower?" she offered, her voice without emotion. He appreciated it, didn't have the energy to try and match whatever mood she was in.

He glanced at her from the corner of his eye. "Should I?"

"You don't smell horrible, I'll give you a towel to wipe yourself off at least."

"Thanks,"

The silence loomed until he finished drying himself off, mostly, not daring to look at her or what she was doing.

"Will you stay the night?"

He opened his mouth to deny, but her clock read too early in the morning and he was too exhausted to find his way to an apartment with a bed colder than hers. Her question did not seem like a proposition, just a formality. He nearly chuckled at the irony. Like this, a late-night hookup with a girl whose name he didn't know, was ever so formal. "Yes, if that is fine with you."

"I can't kick someone who gave me good sex out of my apartment," she mumbled in a slightly teasing way, "Even if we lack any chemistry."

He wasn't offended by it. Not in the slightest. He was glad they felt the same way. Neji appreciatively laid down beside her, their backs facing away from each other. They stayed like that for the rest of the morning, still, fixed, never moving.

When he woke up, tired, in pain, and absolutely drained, he realized that he for once did not dream about Tenten.

Yet the guilt of sleeping with someone other than her even had it not been cheating, burned him harder than any of his dreams.

the first nejiten fic i ever attempted to write was completely on impulse. there was no planning, just instinct. i wish i could say that it was a good idea, just to write from my heart with no logic, for that would sure be poetic, wouldn't it? but it ended up wasting four months of my life and 60,000 words with a plot unpublishable. it was good practice but i felt like i could have spent it better. chakra wires is a rewrite essentially, nearly from scratch. however, one of the key points of that fic was the fact that neji would sleep with another girl after breaking up with tenten. and even if deep down i knew that this had to happen, it was still something i contemplated a lot. i wondered if i should have cut it out or cut out the sex or brush over it in order to keep the rating T. but ultimately i decided that to keep this rating as T because of two factors: 1. whenever I think of such a rating, i feel like it translates into PG-13 and shows like Grey's Anatomy with such a rating have sex scenes that aren't explicit but contain nudity. 2. i find that there are rare cases where people are extremely turned off by a rating more explicit than not and there are a lot more people who filter out all ratings OTHER than M, because they are searching for smut. i'm sorry if you were repulsed by this chapter and didn't expect it. future chapters will have scenes of similar explicity.
until next time loves
-raspberry