A/N: Hello everyone! :) I have arrived, finally. For anyone who isn't aware, I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis last year and have been struggling between flare-ups and balancing medication since then. Some days I can't really get out of bed, a few days this past month, I physically didn't have the durability in my fingers to type, and I'm almost always exhausted. On top of having to juggle work as well, it makes everything a lot more difficult. I actually finished writing 10,000 words on Friday, and I thought that I would edit Saturday and put this up. But, I realized that this chapter had more it wanted to say. SOOOO... I am back tonight with a close to 20,000 word chapter for you all. I thought about splitting it, but I do honestly feel badly for making you all wait so long. Please enjoy, and I hope you can excuse my delay.

And hello to all the new readers and followers of this story over the past month, I see you and I appreciate you. Thanks for coming along!


My eight AM flight came much too soon for the night we had been blessed with. I groaned and whined the entire way to the airport despite Alison's hand remaining in mine. Despite her constant reassurance that I'd see her again in five short sleeps. I knew that I could make it, that we had made it longer without one another's embrace. I even knew that it would probably be good for us considering we had spent so much of the past month together after her grandmother's passing and Jacob's surgery plans and everything in between. But feeling her thumb linger in my palm as we drove, the way her fingers clung to me as we said goodbye, the small tear that left her right eye as she pulled away from me on the sidewalk, all of it reminded me of what Hanna said in our conversation the night before.

"Oh no, sweetie." She reached across the table to hold my hand, "You didn't save her from anyone in particular, no. Emily, you saved Alison from herself."

"From herself?" I looked back over Hanna's shoulder in concernment, "When I met her, she seemed pretty put together."

Hanna laughed, "Oh, I'm sure. Alison always seems put together. But she almost always approaches people apprehensively. It's a defense mechanism that takes true effort on her part to take down. Maybe you noticed it? Like a moment early on in your relationship where she stopped, I don't know, thinking? A moment where she stopped putting forethought in every word she said?"

I couldn't pin point it. There wasn't a precise phrase or a poignant period, but some time during our museum date, I knew our relationship was different than when we started. Maybe it was her finally discussing Jacob. Maybe it was endless hours together. Maybe it was simply us admitting we liked each other in person. But Hanna was right. Waking up that next morning, we were different people than even 12 hours before. Alison was a different woman.

I nodded, "She relaxed after our second date. Once I told her I wasn't going anywhere after learning about Jacob."

"She really is terrible at being alone. And don't quote me on this part, but I think it makes her revert to her childhood. Loneliness, that is. Have you been to her family's home yet?"

"For Christmas photos."

I replied quietly to give Hanna the opportunity to answer in any way she saw fit. I was intently focused on the words Hanna was saying as though she was providing insight no one else could. It hit me immediately why Alison said meeting Hanna was more important. Why Alison called Hanna her best friend. She spoke with an openness Aria didn't. Not disparagingly. You could tell that Hanna wasn't giving too much away, but Alison trusted her with this moment. For her to tell me just enough to understand her more.

"Right… well, you saw how big that house is then? How many days and nights Alison probably went without seeing much of anyone. Her mom wasn't terrible when we were younger, but even my mom showed up for me at school when I needed her to. And I was raised by a single mother. I don't know." She sighed. "She's just not good alone, Emily. And it makes me happy to know that she doesn't have to be anymore. So, thank you for that, I guess."

"You're welcome, I guess." We laughed as Hanna reconnected her hand in the crook of my arm while we walked back toward the group.

Alison's hand slipped into the side of my suit jacket as I approached her. She tucked her thumb into the waistband of my pants as her arm slid around to wrap around my hips. I kissed her forehead delicately, loving the feeling of her next to me again.

"How did it go?" She sounded happy. "Did you pass?"

I smirked, "I'm not entirely sure that there was something for me to fail. But no, the conversation went well. Hanna reminds me a lot of you, actually." That comment made Alison smile. "You both are very direct but hold some cards close. You only say exactly what you want someone else to know."

"Except for you." She replied, flicking her fingers up my bare back which sent a light chill up my spine. "I'll tell you anything and everything you'd ever want to know, Emmy."

"Good to know, love." I whispered, kissing her delicately. I knew I could ask her right then, but I didn't want to catch her off-guard. I didn't want her to know exactly what Hanna had told me. So, I decided to wait. I decided to hold on to Hanna's nuggets of wisdom until I felt it would benefit us both. "Dance with me?"

It settled in as the night continued just how much Alison loved to dance. How much she enjoyed it being just us two. How much she desired to be surrounded by others and yet find solid ground between our feet. It was the perfect exemplification of not being alone. Not wanting to be alone ever again.

That realization never hit as closely as it did watching her car pull away from the Philadelphia airport the next day. Because in each of her actions prior to leaving, she was reiterating her fear. It made our first full week together at the end of October make so much more sense. Alison mentioned even then that she lost some of herself until she was in my arms again. And maybe that's why Hanna said what she did. It wasn't that Alison wasn't good alone; it's that she felt lost alone. And it terrified me that in these next five days, lost would be the exact headspace she was in.

Even though the time we were apart was difficult, part of me relished the look Alison gave me during the multiple times a day that we spoke. That's not to say she didn't always give me attention, but it was the way she talked to me that was different. It was the way she looked at me, knowing that our time together on the phone was limited. It was the way she sought to make the time we talked, be the time we talked. It reminded me of when our relationship first started. The hours each night that we spent lost in one another. Apart and yet completely inseparable. In the days leading up to Christmas, all of Alison's family, including the Schoen's, were staying at her parents' house. The echo of laughter filled the background of her phone each time she called.

"I wish I was there." I said the comment spontaneously. "It sounds lovely, Ali."

Her eyes glanced over her shoulder toward the sound, "It's alright. It's missing you."

"Maybe next year?" Alison looked down sheepishly, trying to hide how happy my discussion of the future made her. She had promised not to press it any further, but internally, I knew she had to fight down her screams about it often.

"We will need to work out a full schedule for the holidays next year for sure, Emmy." She paused, "They're feeling kind of empty this year without you here."

"It's okay. We have four days until Friday. We can make it. And tomorrow's Christmas Eve, so your days are about speed up."

She was lying on the bed, stomach down when I watched her look toward the door, "Hey, Bug. Want to come in? I'm talking to Emily."

Jacob's small feet pitter-pattered against the floor before he popped up next to Alison's shoulder, "Mewwy Chwistmas, E!"

"Merry Christmas, J." He tilted his head as he smiled, "I am going to see you again before it's officially Christmas morning though."

"You come see me?" He shrieked.

Alison gently wrapped her arm around his shoulder to kiss the side of his head, "No, Bug. She's in Texas right now. We are talking about plans for next year though."

"Yeah, sweetheart. Maybe next year." I talked empathetically through the screen, seeing his little face fall, "I did give Mommy a gift for you. Hey babe?" Alison turned to face me, "What time do you all typically open gifts at your parents?"

"Usually around 7 am."

"Okay, I'll wake up. J, you want to FaceTime me Christmas morning so that I can open gifts with you? I'd love to see you opening my gift. That's if I wouldn't be intruding?"

"It'd be impossible for you to intrude." Jacob whispered in Alison's ear as she hung off the bed to be closer to her son. "Oh? Is that why you came in here? Is it time?" He nodded slightly mischievously as Alison tossed her hair behind her, showing off the length of her neck before making eye contact again. She was tempting me through the screen. I could feel it. She laughed Jacob's direction before speaking again, "So, earlier today, I kind of promised Jake something, and he's trying to redeem my offer right this minute."

"And I'm involved?"

"I mean, it would be a million times better if you would be involved because he got to pick any time over the next week and he picked this moment right now with just me and you."

I sat up hesitantly, "Oh God. Do I need to be scared?"

"Not at all. Jake was incredibly bored earlier, weren't you sweetie?" He nodded, "And so I told him that anywhere he wanted over the course of this week, he could tell me the secret word, and we would throw an impromptu dance party in the middle of whatever room we were in. I figured he'd choose the middle of the mall going to see Santa tomorrow or something, but…"

"A dance party?" My surprise caused Jacob to collapse into giggles on the ground next to Alison. "J, you got a dance party anywhere with anyone and you picked me?"

"And Mommy!" He jumped up, reaching for Alison's phone presumably to switch on music.

"Eh, eh! Let me play the music from my computer so that Em can hear too, okay? Is our shuffle playlist okay, Bug?"

I always watched Alison in awe, but there was something special about this moment. I could sense it through the screen as she stood up from the bed to adjust the computer next to the bed. In red shorts and long-sleeved white shirt, she aimlessly threw her hair up into a ponytail before raising her right eyebrow back toward the screen. She mouthed 'I love you' as I propped up the camera in my bedroom at my parents' before backing away.

Jacob stood in the middle of the room, bouncing excitedly on his toes as 'Firework' by Katy Perry began playing on shuffle. Alison scampered toward the middle of the room to hold both of Jacob's hands in hers as they started loosening and extending their arms back and forth in time with the beat. I watched as slowly but surely, they both started losing themselves to the music. Jacob especially as his dance moves slowly devolved into mock breakdancing. I think?

As an adult, we so frequently overthink. We are so quick to place assumptions. To look around the room and wonder who is looking. But simply having a 7-year old in my presence reiterated to me how fragile life is. That the innocence he carried into looking at the rest of the world was gained by looking at his parents and me. Our overthinking and our assumptions would become his. So I chose to abandon my adulthood in that moment and embrace Jacob's innocence instead.

Songs moved in and out of the speakers leading me to sparingly look up at the screen to try and replicate Alison and Jacob's moves. But as time continued to pass, I soaked in the beauty of the moment. The beauty of the three of us giving way to the rest of the world. Leaning into potential discomfort for the walls to fall down around us. In hopes that the screen distancing us may dissipate as well, bringing us back together if even for a brief moment. And after a few seconds of soaking in that thought, I opened my eyes back to the screen.

And there she was. Alison was slightly crouched with her hands on her knees as she looked at me. Her head was tilted as if she was entranced by what she saw. Me. As if she was entranced by me. Alison's smile was almost bigger than I had ever seen it before. I was turned to side, so I shook my ass just to make her laugh. And then, we both just stood watching Jacob continue dancing. His energy unattainable. I wanted to hold her hand through the screen. For her to have the reminder that we were in this together.

But more than that, I wanted to live in that moment forever.


Leaning against a pillar near her gate, I watched as Alison exited the plane that Friday. Still in a pink sweatshirt pulled up over her head, she looked around aimlessly trying to find the exit toward baggage claim. As she walked in front of where I was standing, I reached out to graze my fingers against her hand.

"Forget what I looked like already?" Alison jumped in fear before her ears recognized my voice, causing her to turn in a broad smile, "Hi, beautiful."

"Holy shit, hi!" She swung her arms around my neck as I wrapped one arm around her waist, giving her the confidence to raise her feet off the ground for me to hold her ever so briefly. "I thought you were meeting me at baggage claim?"

"I know. But I looked online at tickets this morning, and there was a one-way ticket to Austin for 70 bucks. I figured seeing you at the gate was worth it." I kissed her forehead as her lips found my jawline briefly, "Was it worth it?"

"100 percent." Her eyes smiled up at me as her fingers traced through my hair, "I missed you so fucking much."

"And now you get 6 full days here and 2 full days back in Philly to not miss me at all." Bringing my right hand to lace in hers still around my neck, I spun us forward to walk toward the baggage claim, "Are you excited for all the events this week?"

"How can I be when you haven't told me what we're doing yet? I'm literally in a city I've never been to with a girl I've know for less than a quarter of a year. All my faith is in the palm of your hands."

"Well, when you put it that way…" I instantly got nervous, wondering if all of my plans would live up to her expectations. It appeared as though she felt my nerves through our grasp though as she lifted the back of my hand to her lips.

"Don't mind my teasing, Emmy. I'm just excited."

I held the door open into the corridor heading to the baggage claim, allowing Alison to get a few steps ahead of me. She adorably kept walking, but extended her hand behind her as though it were instinctual. I casually jogged back up to be by her side. As we approached the baggage claim, I walked behind her to wrap my arms around her shoulders, not wanting to let one more moment go without feeling her touch now that we were side by side. She leaned her head back in the crook of my neck, inhaling in my scent as we closed our eyes and waited for movement.

"I missed you, Ali." I kissed the intersection of her jawline and neck as the belt began to move clockwise. "Today is going to be chill. Mom's cooking and depending on how you feel, we may have a game night. Tomorrow, we'll do a small Christmas with my parents, with just me and you hanging out and catching up however you'd like the rest of the day. And then Sunday through Wednesday, we have plans."

"Plans?" She sighed. "I already know lunch with Maya is one of those days. She reached out on Instagram Christmas Day to wish me a 'Merry Christmas' and to express her excitement for meeting me at lunch this week."

I rolled my eyes, "Fuckin' Maya. But yeah, that's Sunday."

"Am I to assume that we also have specific plans for New Year's Eve too?"

"We sure do; I didn't tell you to bring a cute dress for nothing." She shivered in my arms as I squeezed her closer to me. "You excited?"

"Very excited. I love surprises, remember?" She gasped at the sight of her bag coming around the corner.

"Don't worry, baby. I remember." I kissed her cheek briefly before letting go to grab her bag for her. "Is this all you have?"

"I have one more bag that has your parents' gifts and gifts from my family for you." She shrugged, "Last minute addition, I swear."

After waiting briefly for her last bag, Alison walked happily by my side after I insisted on wheeling both bags for her. Pulling them to the back of my parent's car, I hustled to open the car door for Alison before helping her inside.

"Who knew I was dating such a lady?" She blushed before reaching forward with her right hand to clutch the waist of my long-sleeved shirt pulling me in. It was our first actual kiss since Sunday, and Alison's groan into my mouth made me hold onto the passenger's seat for dear life while holding the door open with my right hand.

I puckered my lips tightly to slow our progression, "Alison. Ali. Baby, I'll be right back. I have to get the bags, okay?"

"Sorry." She mumbled as I closed her door before walking to the back to put the bags in as quickly as I could.

Rounding the back to my side of the car, I hopped in and locked the doors behind me. Before I could even fully turn, Alison had extended her waist across the console, propping herself up on her left hand to kiss me again. She was patient but persistent as her right hand wrapped lightly around my neck and collarbone. She waited for me to deepen the kiss as I looped my hand around the back of her thigh. Alison pulled away gently, leaving short and slow kisses in her wake.

"Fuck, I love you." She whispered, rubbing her thumb against my jawline as she soaked my presence back in.

My smile became nervous under her gaze, terrified by how much my anxiety dropped in a matter of seconds, "I love you too, Ali."

She leaned back calmly to buckle her seat belt as she spoke, "So tell me about PDA in the South because your eyes told me not to kiss you when I saw you by the gate in there earlier."

"They did?"

"They did, sweetheart. The moment I recognized you, a flare of panic flashed in your pupils."

I laughed, knowing that she was attempting to make a small joke, "I mean, I'm definitely more cautious down here, and we'll probably get more stares because we're not staying in Dallas itself. But generally, I don't fear for my safety or anything if that's what you mean."

"Okay, good. So, expect more stares maybe?"

"Definitely more stares."

"Let 'em stare then, baby." She reached across the console with her hand as I started the car, "Oh, can we stop at a store on the way to your parents? I want to get your mom some flowers as a 'Thank You'."


"Emmy? Is that you and Alison?" My mom's voice echoed through our garage as I opened the door into laundry room.

"Yes ma'am. We're here." I looked over my shoulder to Alison, smiling as we turned the corner.

I rotated so my back was against the wall as my mom met us in the open floor plan of the living room, "Alison! My goodness, it is so good to have you in Texas with us!" She wrapped her in a hug as Alison passed the flowers off into my hands so that she could reciprocate.

"Pam." She said my mom's name delicately. It made me exceedingly happy to hear the love extending from just Alison saying her name. "Thank you for having me!" As she leaned away, I passed the flowers back to her, "Emily thankfully let us stop so that I could purchase these for you." Alison extended her hand out to hold onto my mother's forearm, "Please know that I would love to make dinner for you all one night while I'm here to thank you for your hospitality."

"Oh, isn't that sweet?" My mother's eyes perked up as she made eye contact with me, "How about we play it by ear, dear? I know that Emily is going to have the two of you quite busy while you're here. And thank you for the flowers! I actually just got some Toffee Chip Brownies from the oven if you'd like any before dinner this evening."

Hearing the echo of my mother's voice, I rushed past Alison to beat her to the plate, "Yes, please!" I laughed as Alison stared at me incredulously, giving her a kiss on the temple as I rotated around her waist to her side.

"Your home is beautiful. I always pictured Dallas being a major city, but this is definitely more of a suburb."

"The outskirts of Dallas are all suburbs." My mom continued speaking as she trimmed the edges on the flowers prior to put them in a vase. "In fact, this home was purchased by Wayne's parents back in the '60s and over time, we have remodeled it all to be more open and more modern, I guess. We finished up the backyard, which was our last project, last Spring. You will have to come back in the Summer, Alison. It is beautiful in May and June before the humidity hits."

Alison wrapped her arm through mine as she rested her head on my shoulder, "Well, everything so far looks amazing. And I would love to visit over the summer. Maybe around my birthday we can come back? Could we make that happen, Em?"

"I can make that happen." A short pause filled the space, "Speaking of, is Dad with Daisy?"

"Yep, on their daily walk."

Alison leaned up from my shoulder to whisper, "Who is Daisy?"

"She's my parents' dog. They got her when they moved in here. When was that, Mom? 8 years ago?"

Water filled a crystal vase my mom pulled from one of her bottom cabinets as she rotated to place it on the island between the three of us, "Just about. She will love you, Alison. A precious black Scottish Terrier."

"Emmy, why didn't you tell me that I was going to be able to hang out with a dog this week?" She started looking around, "I am so excited now!"

I giggled, "Really? Who knew you were such a dog person?"

"Ugh. Carter –" She groaned, pausing to look at my mother, "My ex, he HATES dogs. I think he was chased down the street by one when we were in elementary school or something. Whatever the case, he can't do it. And after we separated, it was never the biggest priority to me. But my family had a dog who passed just before I went to college, Scout. He was basically my mom's best friend, so she hasn't been able to get another one since."

"Oh, that's so understandable, Alison. I remember when we lost Emily's childhood dog, Harper. A terrible car accident. So sad. Emmy took it so hard that we didn't dare think of getting another for years."

Alison grabbed my hand to squeeze it as I spoke, "I am okay now, by the way. Ali, you want to help me with your bags from the car? We can take them upstairs, and I'll show you our whole little wing area."

"Wing?" Alison looked at me perplexed.

"Part of the remodel, dear!" My mom yelled through the house as we headed back to garage.

When we reached the upstairs with Alison's bag, I filled in the blanks, while pointing down the hallways off of the small game room area, "There used to be four bedrooms upstairs. As I'm an only child, they combined two of the bedrooms on this side, opened up one of the walls for this play area here, and then made the two bathrooms on this level connect to the bedrooms. It makes the house essentially have an upstairs and a downstairs master bedroom. It's pretty cute."

Alison whispered behind me, "You're pretty cute."

"Trying to butter me up?" I asked over my shoulder, reaching to carry the bag in her hands, "Don't worry, it's working."

"This is so nice, Em." She walked around looking at the bookshelf and desk area before checking out the king-sized bed with a push of her hands, "We really lucked out here, didn't we?"

The promise in her voice made me turn around to face her, dancing my arms back around her waist as I pulled her closer, "They have made it very nice for sure." I placed my forehead against hers, "I'm happy you're here."

"Me too. Thank you for having me."

"I wouldn't want you anywhere else." I kissed her gently, savoring the way her bottom lip lingered just for me, "Do you need to take a shower or anything after your trip? Dinner is usually in about an hour or so around here."

"I think a shower would be nice?"

"Okay. Wait right here for me then?" I asked as Alison stared up at me, beyond confused.

I raced downstairs, grabbing two small boxes labeled with each of our names before running back up to Alison, who was comically frozen in the middle of the room.

"You're a nut." I laughed, nudging her back to the edge of the bed, before passing the box with her name. "So, I did listen to the no gift rule. But – "

"You also didn't listen?" She looked down at the gift in her hands.

"Exactly. But look? I bought me one too! So they like, cancel each other out?"

"We'll see about that." She muttered as we both began opening our gifts.

Close to simultaneously, we both pulled out soft red cotton pajamas. They were detailed in white with snow-filled trees, bears, and snowflakes adorning the small pin-lined horizontal stripes.

Alison picked hers up smiling as we met eyes, "Are we the type of couple that matches their pajamas for the holidays?"

"We are now." She leaned into me sheepishly as I kissed her forehead, "I took my shower this morning, so I'll change with you when you get out, okay? Mom already promised that she would take some cute pictures of us in them."

"I think I hate this." She rolled her eyes smiling as I shoved her shoulder.

"You won't hate it, I promise. I look insanely cute in mine, so you are bound to be breathtaking."

"In cotton Christmas pajamas?"

"Don't question my methods, babe." I stood up, walking her toward the bathroom, "Want me to run you a bath, or do you want to take a shower?"

"The shower will be fine, Emmy. Thank you, though."

When I heard the shower turn off about 15 minutes later, I ran back upstairs to change, meeting her in the short hallway with closets on either side leading to the restroom. She exited the steamy room already clothed, a small blush tracing her cheeks. We both turned to face the mirror as I reached for her hand.

"So, what do you think?"

"I hate to say it…"

"But?"

"But we're really fucking cute."

"Yes! See? I knew we were a pajama couple; I could feel it in my bones."

Alison glanced at me sideways through the mirror, reaching her hand to her side to connect with mine, "I'm so sorry for ever doubting you."

"Make it up to me?"

"And how am I going to do that?"

"I'm sure you'll find a way." I winked in our reflection before turning back toward the bedroom, getting a quick swat on the ass from Alison as payback. "Oh, and if this wasn't clear, you are breathtaking, Ali. Always."

The night continued on pleasantly as my dad started a fire in the living room following dinner. As he worked to get it set up, Alison and I had an impromptu photo shoot directed by my mom and edited by me as we went along. Eventually, we all cuddled in around the couch as Alison and Daisy became more acquainted. Daisy pounced on top of Alison to cover her face in kisses while Alison attempted to dodge them wildly. She tucked her head into my upper arm to gain some distance and scratch Daisy's neck from afar.

"Aren't you the sweetest little doggie? Yes, Daisy. Pretty girl."

My mom settled into the seat on Alison's right, distracting Daisy temporarily by her presence and passing me a large cup of hot chocolate that Alison and I had decided to share. "I knew she would love you. You have such a calming spirit that Daisy tends to gravitate toward."

"It's why Daisy's typically attached to your hip, Mom." I gestured, catching Alison's eye at my comparison of her to my mother.

"Oh, probably." She smiled, rubbing the top of Daisy's head aimlessly. "Wayne, darling? I forgot to grab some brownies for all of us before coming back in. Could you do that for me?"

His gruff voice replied from behind us, "Can I just bring in the tray they're on?"

Without waiting for a response, he walked around the edge of the living room with all of the brownies still perched in their glass encasing, setting them down on the table in front of us as my mom gave him a brief glare. My dad chuckled while walking to sit next to her, immediately wrapping her giddily in her arms as Daisy ran toward his chest.

"Emmy, we were thinking about maybe opening gifts tonight? That way you and Alison can have all day tomorrow without having to worry about us or our plans. I know that there aren't many for the four of us following Christmas Day, but we'd love to open them together."

"How does that sound for you, sweetie? Gifts tonight?"

Alison's hand lingered along my upper thigh as she replied, "Whatever you'd like. Because I saw Jacob earlier this morning, I told them I was going to skip our tuck-in tonight. So, my time is all yours." She smiled, reaching for our cup of hot chocolate as I lifted it to her lips. Alison's lips curved around the edge of the rim, pulling away when it slightly burned the inside of her mouth. A small drop cascaded from the side of her mouth that I happily reached forward to swipe off her face. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." I stupidly grinned forward to kiss her. "Missed this."

"Me too, baby." She sighed back into my side, kissing my shoulder as we nestled back in to the warmth of the room. "Let's do gifts?"

I watched around the room in glee while my parents and Alison opened up gifts from each other. It was a highlight to see how their brains worked for one another after only meeting for a few days. Both of my parents focused on things they knew with my mom purchasing Alison a beautiful sweater that was similar to one Alison had complimented during their visit, while my dad bought Alison a Southern cookbook to keep working on recipes they both love. Alternatively, Alison focused on sentimental gifts. She purchased a shadowbox for my father's mementos and honors following his time in the military. He had mentioned briefly while they were in town that while he has a place for them all, there were also a few of his honors that he wished he could display. The sentimentality through her gift was blatantly felt in the room as he stood to hug Alison in thanks.

Similarly, she scooted closer to my mom as she walked her through the gift card she had purchased. "This is a website where you can register and send in old home videos and pictures of Em when she was younger, or even when you were younger. I forget how much data this gift card will get you. But you're able to send whatever you'd like, and they will upgrade it to current technology so you can finally play all of Emily's old videos like you mentioned."

"Alison, this is so thoughtful!" My mom brought her in closely, sending a sincere smile my way as they hugged.

"Of course! Also, part of a girlfriend's job is watching old home videos despite the embarrassment of their significant other. When I heard that was close to impossible because of the camcorder you all had, I knew I had to do some research for you to make it happen."

I pulled her back in to my side as I nuzzled my nose into her hair to whisper, "You're so fucking adorable."

"I do good?" She smiled up at me, earning yet another short kiss.

"You did great, baby. Is it my turn to open J's present now?"

Alison fully rotated to face me with her legs crossed and her hands lovingly in her lap, "Yes, please. I'm going to video this to send to them tonight."

The gift was wrapped sloppily, and it was apparent that Jacob wanted to play a big role in every part of this gift. Inside was printed photo from our trip to the trampoline park in November. Jacob was mid-air smiling as I held onto one of his hands. Though I was obviously giving him some form of instruction, the crux of the photo was my eye contact with Jacob. It was the way my eyes smiled at seeing his happiness in return. I looked up at him in awe as though even in a simple high jump, he held all of my attention. I immediately sucked my bottom lip into my mouth as I bit down trying to hold my sentimentality inside. Around the edges were different paint colors making hearts and smiley faces paired with an E in one corner and a J in the other.

"It's okay to cry, sweetheart." Alison's thumb traced underneath my eye as I leaned into her hand.

"No, no. I'm alright. That's really sweet of him."

"I'm happy you like it. He also wrote a little note, but it's upstairs in my other bag. We can read it before bed, okay?"

"I can't wait to put this on my mantle. I love it so much, Ali." I showered the top of her head with kisses while wrapping my arms over her shoulders causing her to squirm.


"Emmy?" My mom called for me as I was walking up the stairs, after the four of us watched a Christmas movie, "Your Dad and I are heading into town tomorrow morning and should be home a little after lunch. But I just wanted to let you know that you both will be on your own for breakfast and lunch, okay?"

"Sounds good, Mom. Thank you." I hugged her from the second step despite already towering over her.

She leaned away, tossing my somewhat disheveled hair over my shoulder in a short sweep, "She's good for you. Calms you down so well."

"You think so?"

"Definitely." She nodded. "You glow around her, sweetheart. It makes me so happy to see you so happy."

"Thank you, Mom. It's still amazing that she wakes up every day and still picks me."

"Don't be hard on yourself, Emmy. You obviously make her endlessly happy, too."

I sighed, "Okay. See you tomorrow afternoon or evening. Please leave your keys on the front table just in case we decide to go and explore."

"Will do! Love you, Em. Night."

Walking up to the second floor, I saw Alison leaning over the banister while resting her head, "You eavesdropping there?"

She nodded, "Of course I am. I love hearing that someone else other than the two of us sees what we see." Her hands found mine in the dark as we stood at the top of the stairs.

"That is comforting." I kissed her forehead. "Ready for bed?"

Alison yawned even at then mention, "That hour time difference is no joke, babe. But I do have to give you Jake's card first. What side of the bed do you want?"

She turned away to walk toward the bedroom as I grabbed her hips to pull her back into me, "You act like it matters when you're going to be in my arms all night."

Her squeal made me laugh as she wriggled from my hold to run around the bed to reach into her bag, "Your point is incredibly valid. This is for you from me and Jake. He wrote a note to go with it." She climbed onto the bed, settling in next to me against the headboard.

Alison passed me a small mason jar with a small folded note attached to the side. In Jacob's hesitant handwriting were the words, 'Thank you for loving me. Merry Christmas E. From J' which immediately made my eyes water.

"I may have helped him with the spelling, but the words were all his." She whispered, kissing my temple after brushing away some of my hair. "All of the words in here were his, baby."

I screwed open the lid to find different sizes of scraps of paper. I grabbed a handful out of the jar to scatter them in front of me, picking them each up one by one. It appeared as though a small number were written by Jacob himself, but the other handwriting on the scraps was unmistakably hers. Each of the scraps Jacob wrote started with a printed phrase, 'Thank you for…' followed by his words.

Thank you for answering my questions.

Thank you for giving me hugs.

Thank you for being my friend.

But scattered between those innocent scraps of paper were longer notes from Alison herself.

I love the way you pull me closer to you each morning, as if a part of you forgot how much you loved me in the moments you were asleep.

Nothing makes me happier than seeing you smile at a dumb joke I make.

Your ability to read my face and adjust yourself to fit my mood helps me feel seen.

The dimples on your lower back make me go weak at the knees more often than I'd like to admit.

I think I could spend the rest of my life in bed with you. Nowhere and no one else needs me as much I need you.

Even with different communication styles, I've loved learning how we talk to each other and how to move past all that stands in our way. I can't wait to learn more of you as we go.

The way you kiss me after not seeing me for days reminds me that I'm yours for as long as you'll have me.

"It took me a little bit, but there's a little over 100 from me, and I got Jake to write 15 or 20. I'm sure he lost track himself."

I turned to her, light tears streaming down my face, "You got onto me about pajamas when you had this waiting for me." I laughed, pulling her closer and reaching to pick up all the little scraps that fell toward the pressure we were placing on the bed. "One second, one second. These cannot be damaged."

In my effort to save each scrap before being wrinkled, I overexaggeratedly pushed Alison away with my other arm, sending her into a fit of laughter into her side of the bed. Extending out my right foot as well to push her hip, Alison latched herself to my upper arm to prevent herself from falling off the bed as she cackled. Getting each piece into the jar, I fastened the lid and exhaled desperately before setting it on the bedside table.

"Whew. That was close."

In a strange 'S' shape next to me, Alison remained in her position, still laughing through her words, "So happy you saved something so valuable."

I looked over at her to find her hair completely windswept next to me as she glanced up with only one blue eye visible. I collapsed against her frame while she resettled underneath me, "Thank you for breaking the rules."

Wiping hair from her face, I made eye contact as her hand reached up to my cheek, "I don't think I spend enough time making sure you know what you mean to me. Thanking you for all you do and all you've done. I didn't want any of what you do to feel like it's going unnoticed. I don't want you to think that you're unnoticed. You know? Vulnerability is hard for me, so I figured putting some in notes you can read every day kind of takes the sting out of it."

Tilting my head in wonder, I took in the woman in front of me. The way her smile grew crooked when she was nervous. The way her thumb managed to find the exact line in my face that somehow connected straight to my heart. The way her eyes searched mine to seek the same information in return.

Silence was only golden in her eyes. Under her touch. Beneath her smile.

"You're something I never thought I'd have, Alison." My words caught her breath as her eyes bounced back and forth between mine looking for what to say next. "It's okay." I whispered, "You don't have to say anything. I just want you to hear it like how you wrote it all down for me instead." In her red, cotton, matching pj's she grinned up at me, content. Leaning down toward her, I kissed just next to her lips, feeling hers purse next to mine. I allowed my lips to etch across her cheek as I spoke, "I pull you closer to me each morning because you're a reminder of how much better my reality is than my dreams. I only make dumb jokes to count the number of times I make you smile. Adjusting my mood to fit yours is so that you never have to feel like you're going through something alone." I lifted my head, noting the curve of her smile looking back at me, "The beauty that exists in your actual dimples sometimes catches me off guard. When I see them across the room, I instantly blush. If the rest of the world didn't need us, I'd stay right here forever, too. The progress you've made communicating and opening up and being willing has been the biggest gift you've brought this relationship. And I kiss you exactly as you deserve to be kissed. The way you deserve to be kissed for as long as you'll have me."

I straddled her left leg as I laid down onto her shoulder. Alison delicately lifted the covers over both of us as she kissed my forehead repeatedly, her hand cupping the arch in my side between my waist and hips. "How does forever sound?" She whispered it, trailing her finger under my chin to bring my eyes back up to here.

"Forever just might be long enough." I joked, getting another smile to escape her lips as I touched her nose with mine.

"Then forever it is, Emmy."

And at the single exhale of my name, any and all anxiety about the month and weeks ahead that existed between us in that moment, dissipated into the air.


Two days later while walking from the parking lot up toward the restaurant inside the mall, Alison panickily reached for my hand, "So, this is your Hanna?"

I laughed, bumping her with my hip while my thumb traced hers back and forth, "You could say that. We met in college Freshman year, but I have been focused on school for so long that she's kind of my only friend that's stuck. Most of my friends I made through whomever I was dating and when we broke up, there was an obvious side to take that wasn't mine."

"She's protective of you then? Being the only line of defense and all?" I nodded silently, stepping in front of Alison as the wind blew our direction in attempts to protect her from the heavy breeze, "Thank you, baby." She kissed my shoulder bone before continuing, "And the last person she met was Ashton?"

"Mmm-hmm."

"And you were dating her before or after meeting Maya?" I knew she was looking for context and understanding, but the intersection of these two worlds was growing increasingly real as we reached the mall's doors.

"I met Maya after we had been dating for a few months, so she didn't necessarily have much say, you know?"

"No, I understand. Is there anything I should know in particular?"

"Let's see. She got married a few years back and has a 2-year old son, Grey. Neither of them will be here today, but Grey is my godson. I saw him earlier this week, and he's becoming so much more active now."

"I loved Jake at two…" Her voice faded, and I wondered if she was caught in a memory or a nightmare of what the age of three brought into her life. Alison shook her head out, "Her husband's name?"

"Charlie. Maya, Charlie, and Grey." I looked into the windows of our Tex-Mex destination as Maya jumped up to wave wildly. "There she is." I waved, squeezing Alison's hand next to me.

"Bring it in, bitch!" Maya squealed as though we hadn't seen each other in years, when it had actually been less than a week. She let go quickly to embrace Alison, "My God, it is so good to finally meet you, love. I can't wait to just talk shit about this one here. Kidding!"

"My." I chuckled, knowing that her personality always came off incredibly strong.

Alison stepped back a little baffled, but quickly caught up, "No, we can talk shit. That's fine." She kissed my cheek as I scooted her chair in, reaching for my thigh when we sat down across from Maya, "I've heard so much about you, Maya. And like I've seen pictures through Instagram and all, but Emily did fail to mention that you are incredibly attractive."

Maya glared at me while simultaneously flipped her hair, "A woman with great taste." She paused, looking us both over, "Alternatively, Emily did definitely tell me how attractive you are, but it's different seeing the two of you side by side. Like damn. The looks combined with the happiness cascading off of you. I couldn't have called this one."

"In what way?" Alison asked, drawing a heart lazily into the palm of my hand underneath the table.

"I wouldn't say that Em is hard to tie down, per se. But she can be picky as hell. So the idea that four months after moving to a brand new city, she would meet someone who from all accounts is amazing for my girl? I don't know. Couldn't have called it."

Alison turned to look at me, brushing the hair blocking her from seeing my full face from my eyes, "Picky? I wouldn't have thought that. She was respectfully forward with me the first night we met."

"What was there to be critical about with you, Ali?" I replied, "You're pretty fucking perfect in my eyes."

"You know that's a damn lie!" She laughed into my shoulder. "But thank you, baby."

Maya glanced at me knowingly before turning back to Alison, "So, tell me more. What do you do? How is life? How is life with this one's penchant for working herself to the bone?"

Alison widely glanced at me, so I leaned toward her ear, "My tendency to work too much." She whispered 'thank you' before replying.

"Oh God. Where to start with those questions? Um, I work as an accountant for my father's foundation. One of our fundraising galas is where Emmy and I met in October. Day to day paycheck stuff combined with the donation sides of things. I'm usually fairly busy between August and submitting taxes in April, but I've been given a bit of a leave for the next few months. I – well, Emily does a great job with allowing me to speak for my own family and everything, but I'm not sure what all she might have – "

"Jacob." Maya said his name, plainly, causing Alison to exhale that she wasn't going to have to make her way through the whole spiel. Maya extended her hand between the two of us, "I hope you don't mind that Emily spoke to me about everything. I work as an cardiac anesthesiologist; she called for consult on a 'case' she had run across a few weeks back. But I kind of realized something more was going on when she started crying." She paused again, "My heart is with you both right now. I respect the choice you've made tremendously."

I clutched her hand in mine as I leaned to the side to press a kiss against the side of her head, "I love you." I mumbled , causing her to reach with her right hand to hold onto my upper arm, "I hope it's okay that I called."

She nodded, looking down briefly to blink away potential tears. "Thank you for that, Maya. We appreciate it. But yes, I have taken leave for the foreseeable future because of Jacob's surgery. Emily says that things are promising for it, but there's also so much in the air that it's difficult to fully process."

"I understand that. I can't imagine what that would be like and how unsettling that would be. You're a strong woman for facing this head on."

"Thanks… I didn't really last time, and it fucked over my marriage and myself more than I like to acknowledge. So, yeah. I'm doing it better this time. Emily is helping me do better this time."

"Don't let her sell herself short, Maya. I'm involved in very little, just the parts she asks me to be a part of."

"What was the last question?" Alison asked again to change the topic.

"About my work ethic, babe."

"Right, right. Because we've seen each other every other week for so long, I actually don't notice it. I think she's working herself to the bone when I'm not in town. So, from my perspective, Emily's an efficient worker but not an over worker."

Maya cackled at her statement, knowing the full length of my overworking history, "I'm thankful to hear that. I would find this one in a fucking Chem lab 30 minutes before class started dead asleep after staying up all night to work on some hypothesis or independent study."

"What's the point of going home and potentially sleeping through your alarm, when after you finish working at 4 am, you can just fall asleep in the classroom of your first class the next day so that you're bound to not miss it?" I looked at Alison wanting some form of affirmation, but she appeared just as thrown off as Maya had been in college.

"Don't look at me to support that!"

"Alison, sometimes I had to come find her in the labs because it was nearly 2 pm!"

I smiled while trying to explain myself, "That was one time! I forgot what day it was in my lethargic stupor, so I walked to what would be my first class the next day and – "

"Bitch, it was Saturday! You were asleep in a classroom that would be empty for 48 hours!"

Alison smirked into her water glass as she took a sip, trying to not get involved. "Babe, I promise it was one time, and I was 20!"

"You're okay." She kissed my hand, "She's definitely calmed down since then though. She's home when she says she'll be and does great work, so I have no complaints."

"Color me shocked." Maya nodded my way in slight admiration, "Not even Ash could get her to be home at a reasonable – Sorry, sorry." She immediately backtracked.

"I'm cool with Ash talk. Em's the one that dislikes it." Alison shrugged.

Maya head tilted while asking, "Why doesn't it bother you? I'm sure you've heard the stories."

Mid-bite, she responded, "I've heard the ones Emily is okay with telling me for now. But the way I see it, Emily has to be involved and hear about my ex, Carter, usually multiple times a day. She has to build a relationship with him for the sake of our son. She has to balance all of the good and bad that I tell her and somehow find a way to shove that down in front of him despite wanting to protect me from the nonsense he spews occasionally. If Emily can do that, then it's the least I can do to listen to stories about Ash. The least I can do is support her in a fraction of the way she supports me."

"Well, okay then. Em?" Maya gestured to see if she could talk backward.

But I shook my head. I didn't like the idea of those worlds intersecting. Of Alison knowing who I was with Ash. That I wasn't always this person. That before her, I was maybe someone she wouldn't have wanted. Someone that would no longer be worthy of her. I knew it was my past talking. It was the betrayal talking, but I shook my head.

"And that's okay." Alison reassured, "I trust you to tell me anything and everything when you're ready. You know that, right?"

"I do." I nodded while reaching for my water glass.

And without a second thought, Alison changed the topic, leaving all that I feared behind us, "So, Maya, tell me about your son. I hear he's two?"

They sat talking about shared experiences of motherhood back and forth for nearly an hour. I enjoyed watching Alison live through the excitement of Maya. A childhood for her son that she had imagined, but had been taken from her without consent. But with Maya explaining her struggles and her triumphs, Alison was able to take a dual role. One as a supporter and one as a confidant. As they spoke though, Alison frequently checked in with me to make sure I was alright.

"I love you; we can talk about it later."

"I'm sorry that shook you up. I'm here when you need me."

"You aren't your past, baby. Look by your side whenever you need to. I'll be right here."

About halfway through the meal, Alison got up to use the restroom, tracing her hands across my shoulders as she walked. I looked up at Maya with an eyebrow raised, "And?"

"She's great, Em. What the fuck's up with you? You've never been this way about Ash before."

I held my hands out, "No, I know. It turns out I just carry a lot more shit from that into a relationship than I first thought."

She nodded, "I get that. I mean, it's obvious that you're disgustingly obsessed with each other. In a good way. In a good way."

"Disgustingly obsessed." I laughed at her word choice, "It didn't really start coming to the surface until I saw a future with Alison. And through that, I kind of realized that I've held on to a lot of trauma and shame associated with feeling ready to be married in general. It's just difficult to talk about Ash when I now know that she wasn't right for me long before she left me in that apartment. That the reason I still feel cheated is because she shattered a part of me I didn't know was vulnerable."

"Ah, so it's not about Ash at all."

"It's about me, and not feeling worthy of Alison's time when in some ways we want different things."

"Okay? I understand that, Em, but everyone brings their previous relationships into their new ones. Alison's bringing just as much of her past into this as you are. She seems like the kind of woman who if she thought you weren't worth her time, she'd be gone by now."

"No, she would be."

"Would be what?" Alison asked, wrapping her arms around my shoulders and kissing my cheek happily, "Missed you."

I laughed as I tilted my head up to give her a short kiss, "Missed you, too. And nothing too important. We were discussing my own insecurities, and I mentioned that if you're the kind of partner that wouldn't stick around in a relationship if it wasn't what you wanted."

"Then it's a good thing that you're exactly what I want." She kissed up the side of my face as she rotated to sit back down next to me.

Maya muttered, "See? Disgustingly obsessed."

"Oh, shut up. You and Charlie were nearly intolerable."

"Grey would say we still are. He pushes us away from each other if we're too cuddly on the couch because he wants to get in on the love too. So, don't look too much into it, Em."

"Maya, you have got to hear what Jacob said a few weeks after meeting Emily. He mentioned that he was confused about why staring at someone could be so bad when 'Mommy stares at Emlee all the time'."

Alison told the story endearingly as the three of us traded stories back and forth into the early afternoon. She remained positive and focused on bonding with Maya throughout the lunch and held on to that positivity until we were walking to the car.

"I loved meeting her, Emmy. You can tell how much she loves you. I'm sure she was big support for you through the end of college." She didn't want to say her name either after seeing my reaction to Maya's own mention hours earlier. But, despite her pause, I knew she had more to say, "When we have our relationship check-in while I'm here, we should discuss those insecurities though, babe. I know we talked about a lot last month, but heading into the new year, I want you to feel secure with me."

"You're right; we should." On top of my own insecurities, I had still been ruminating over all Hanna had mentioned in our conversation. I still wondered who Alison was outside of me.

Keeping up with my previous chivalry, Alison jogged ahead of me to the driver's side door, "Especially with Jake and I moving in, we both need to come into a time that's going to be so chaotic with calm between us."

"Thank you for the door." I kissed her forehead, while stepping in, "There's calm with me"

"And there's calm with me, Emmy. We're on the same side."


On Monday morning, while Alison and my mother went to go get their nails done, I packed up all of our stuff from my room and secretly put it into the back of the car. The previous few days had been fun and engaging and exactly what we needed to feel like we were one heading into the new year, but I wanted the initiation of our first full calendar year together to be special.

So when I picked her up from the nail salon a little before lunch, I knew that all my planning was going to pay off, "I'm excited to see what you have planned for tomorrow, sweetheart." Alison was speaking to me, but looking down at her new acrylics. A short, sparkly nude that I figured could match just about anything.

"I think you're going to enjoy it. I've been working on it little by little since you mentioned coming for this week." My right hand rested in her lap as both of her hands wrapped around it giddily.

"In October?"

"Stuff books up quick around here, Ali. But I didn't really start fully planning everything out until my parents left Baltimore. So, just about a month."

"That's so exciting! Can you at least tell me when we're going tomorrow? Let my brain prepare for the timing of it all."

I smirked at her from the corner of my eye, "Who said we were going tomorrow?"

"But tomorrow is –" And as if on cue, Alison realized that we were not heading in a direction she recognized, "Emily, where are we going?"

"A short vacation." I slid my hand out from between hers and casually turned up the radio, "Listen to music. We'll be there soon."

About 15 minutes later, we pulled into the long driveway of the resort that would be our home for the next two nights. Alison's eyes grew wide as she scoured the outside from the windows waiting to see exactly where we were headed. Valet opened the doors in front of the hotel as they greeted both of us.

"Welcome to the Gaylord Texan. Are your bags in the back of the vehicle?" I passed the keys to the valet after opening the trunk to pass our bags off to the bell hop who followed us inside.

"Ali, welcome to one of my favorite hotels in Dallas." I kissed the side of her head as we entered the expansive hotel filled with 10 different restaurants, wine bars, and shopping. "We'll be here until Wednesday, so soak it in."

"Was this necessary?"

"Of course it was." I smiled, bringing our conjoined hands up to my mid-back as I stepped up to the counter to check-in. "Check-in for Emily Fields. It should be for two nights?"

After a few clicks, the concierge began speaking again, "Yes, Doctor Fields? I have you both booked in one of our Executive Suites through Wednesday. Along with your room, I also see a number of reservations included in your stay."

"Yes, that's correct. Could you print those for me? I'm still trying to keep some things a surprise for this one." I felt Alison tuck her head into my back as I continued, "Can you tell if there have been any adjustments in anything that I requested? I haven't received any calls, but if we need to rearrange anything, we can."

"It doesn't appear so, but I can ensure that we call you should there be any adjustments. All requests in your reservation also appear to have been taken care of in your room. Is there anything else you need us to bring up to you all?"

"I will be sure to call if there is anything. Thank you so much though."

"Of course. I signaled the bell hop your room number a few minutes ago, so your bags should hopefully beat you both to your room. Here are your two keys for room 940. I hope you both enjoy your stay at the Gaylord Texan. Happy New Year!

"Happy New Year!" We both replied as I spun to look at Alison's face. "How are you doing back there?"

"You are seriously too much, Emmy."

I shook my head, spinning Alison underneath my arm as we walked to the elevators, "Ready for our first official vacation?"

I knew it's what she needed. A true break and escape from everything before this next year began. It was bound to filled with pain and uncertainty, so I wanted to do everything in my power to have her year end with as much certainty as possible. There wasn't much that I would be able to control in the upcoming weeks, but I could control this. For a brief blip in time, I could attempt to handle Alison's emotions. I could help her be happy. All I wanted was to help her be happy.

Opening the door to our room, I was pleased to find the roses and champagne I requested on the table. Alison gasped walking in to the room which came with a full living, dining, and bedroom. A true place for us to hang out if we so desired, but also decompress for as long as Alison needed to.

Our hands still connected, Alison pulled me toward her, placing her hand delicately on my chest, "This is perfect, Emmy."

"We deserve it."

I smiled into our kiss. Her fingers, still on my chest, wrapped around the top of my shirt as she brought me in closer. My arm swung around her back as I sighed into her, leaning us to the left against the wall. Alison's hand slid up to cup my head in her hand, switching effortlessly between long and slow kisses, and urgent, rapid ones. She made quick work of my sweater while moving her lips down my neck and toward my chest. My neck arched backward as I clutched the back of her upper thigh in my palm.

She exhaled exasperatedly as she made her way down my body, "God, you are so fucking se – "

The banging at the door jolted her backward onto her ass as I jumped, trying to hold Alison up simultaneously.

"Doctor Fields, we have your bags here."

"Jesus Christ…" I gasped, pulling my shirt on without checking to see if it was inside out or not. "Hi. Thank you so much." I opened the door a crack while reaching into my back pocket for some cash. Passing a twenty, I replied, "If you could leave them by the door, we'll grab them in just a second. Thanks again."

"So sorry for the delay!" He attempted to reconcile as I closed the door in his face.

Resting my back against door, I turned back to Alison who was dying laughing on the floor. "You okay there, Emmy?"

"Am I okay?" I asserted, rushing to my left to look in the mirror in the hallway as Alison pointed at my physique. "Alison! I get you alone for three fucking minutes, and you destroy a whole side of straightened hair and my lipstick?" Her echoing laughter was her only reply as I pulled our bags inside from the hallway. "Well, the bell hop has no second guesses on what was happening here!"

She leaned back on both arms, staring up at me sweetly, "Eh, whatever. We're two consenting adults. You gonna come back here or are we paused?"

Looking up at the clock in our room, I sighed before extending my hand for Alison to grab, "Unfortunately, we must be temporarily paused. I'll give you some details about today though. I pre-ordered lunch for us, which should be arriving soon. And between then and dinner, we have a reservation across the resort for the Ice Sculpture exhibit. We get to put on big parkas to protect us from the cold and go explore the lights and everything. I can't wait for you see it for the first time, Ali."

Alison danced over toward the table to pick up the card waiting for us, "Dr. and Mrs.?" She looked over her shoulder.

"I mean, I did lie a bit and say it was our anniversary but…"

I shrugged, walking over and wrapping my arms back around her waist to rock us back and forth while she read, "Doctor and Mrs. Fields, Congratulations on your upcoming anniversary. We feel so fortunate that you chose to celebrate this experience with all of us at the Gaylord Texan. As a thank you for your stay, please enjoy this coupon for a free round of drinks at our wine tavern located just off the South Veranda. Happy New Year from our family to yours!"

"Well, that's cute. I did order this champagne all by myself though. Should we open it now or save it?"

Alison spun around in my arms so we were face to face, "I say save it. If we're only here two nights and tomorrow is New Year's Eve, I assume we'll do our talk tonight?"

"We can if you'd like." I kissed her nose in reply.

"I'd like. But I think it'd be nice to save the champagne for then. Set the tone for the conversation as chill and relaxed." She attempted to smooth out my hair as she spoke, "Thank you for this, by the way. You always seem to know how to make me feel special."


Our evening thus far had gone by smoothly. I couldn't help but watch Alison as she walked through the ice sculptures while keeping one of her hands in the pocket of my oversized gray jacket. The lights reflected off of the designs and back onto her face, dancing aimlessly through her eyes. She caught me staring multiple times, which in the chill of the room around us, made it difficult to tell if she was perpetually cold or blushing each time we made eye contact. I hoped it was the latter as even months later, I could picture us back in that ballroom. I reimagined the first look she gave me, the way that I felt as though I could see this very moment in her eyes as I lifted my martini glass for that first 'cheers'.

And so it felt very full-circle as we clinked our glasses a little after 8 pm that night. Alison was leaned sideways against the back of the couch in our room as I propped myself against the arm behind me. She looked nervous all of a sudden. A day and evening filled with reminiscing and love felt stifled in the wake of this conversation.

"This is only hard because it's the first time we're doing it."

She broke the silence while also insinuating that I was the nervous one. I hadn't noticed. I was too worried about her. I wondered if maybe that tended to be our biggest flaw: thinking about each other instead of ourselves.

"I know." I bit my lip, feeling my eyes already brimming with tears in expectation of wherever this conversation was going to go. I had been nervous. With how easily my fear was being released, the nervousness had to have been coursing at the forefront of my veins throughout the day. In comparison to how I now felt, Alison didn't appear nervous at all. "Why did we decide to do this monthly again?"

Alison laughed, reaching forward to hold my left hand. Just having her to hold helped. She always helped. "Because we weren't communicating as well as either of us wanted about our future. We're both very good about focusing on us in the present. But we have a hell of a month coming up, and we need to be on the same page. Isn't that what you said? Something about – "

"Uneven ground. I don't feel like that now though, Ali."

"Well, that's good." Her finger swirled in my palm, as she timidly moved forward, "How are you feeling then?"

"Happy. More than anything else, you make me happy."

"You know I saw you staring earlier tonight?" I attempted to look confused, despite knowing exactly what she was referring to, "At the ice sculpture walk? You kept looking at me."

"You looked beautiful. I was just appreciating how lucky we are."

"No, I don't mind, Emmy. But it made me think because so often I wonder how it could be possible to live in a world where somehow you love me more than I love you." She picked up her hands and held them to the side of her chest while tightening them in front of her, "It feels impossible that the pressure in my chest could even be comparable to how you feel. Like when I catch a glance at you without you noticing or see you laughing with Jake or spend the morning in bed just watching you get ready, I feel so full. And I wonder how it could be possible that you do the same for me. But then I experience shit like this, where you go above and beyond for me and us to have some time together before our world gets a little bit harder, or where you physically can't help yourself from staring at me and then try to play it off hours later as if you didn't even notice. And I know that even if neither of us fully realize that we deserve it, we love each other the way we need to be loved. And to me, that's all I really need. That understanding. That commitment. I mean, that's all to say that I'm happy too, Em. I'm so fucking happy."

I gave her a short kiss before leaning back to continue, "So on our scale?"

"Okay, I've been thinking about that too." Alison sat up straight and adjusted herself to be comfortable once again. I giggled at how seriously she was taking this. How much these conversations meant to her in a world where, before now, she wasn't fully heard. "I think the scale should have two parts. And let me explain why."

"The floor is yours, sweetheart."

"So, on the traditional scale, I'm a 10. I'm dropping the conversation, and I am content with marriage not even being on the table right now. That hasn't changed. But then, I have to also look realistically. Do I want to be married to you? 100 percent, yes. Do I want to be your wife? More than anything. But does it make sense for us right now to be engaged or married at all? With Jake's surgery coming up or us barely having lived together, especially the three of us living all together?" She shook her head begrudgingly, "I'm a 4. On that scale, it doesn't make sense right now."

"I like the two parts; I think that's a good call. I differ a bit though. I'm still a 7, sometimes an 8 on getting married someday. I want to be a 10. More than anything, I want to be a 10. But I'm just not there."

"That's okay. It's more than okay." She rubbed my thumb with hers, "Don't worry."

"Worried isn't the right word though. I'm not worried about it. I'm disappointed in myself. Not you. Never you. It feels like this decision should be a switch in my head, but I can't seem to find it."

"Baby, marriage is not a switch." Alison leaned forward while laughing, wrapping her fingers in the side seam of my shirt while kissing me softly. "Well, it shouldn't be. It's not an either you want to be married or you don't sort of thing, Emily. It's a choice every single moment of the day. And if you still hold fear in that, that's okay. But baby, you're not looking for a switch."

She cupped my face in her hand hoping her words settled in. That I would let go of this weight for even half a second and just be. But the weight was dug too deep. I feared that if I let go, that I would go with it.

"Okay… But separate from you on the realistically-speaking scale, I'm a 9. I think? Does that even make sense? Being married to you makes more sense logically than actually committing to it?" I blushed, not knowing if my words would be offensive or not. But as Alison nodded, I continued, "No, no, that makes sense. We have so much coming up, yes. But I can see how that affirmative commitment would help settle you. That even though it would be stressful and we don't know how it's going to play out, it makes sense to me that we would seek stability in each other. There's a lot less wiggle room in terms of uneven ground if we were engaged versus just dating over the next few months. We'll be far more likely to bicker about small things without being able to see the end goal. I don't know. I'm just rambling at this point. Should we be engaged right now?"

"Emmy. Emmy. We should not be. I get what you're saying, I do. But you're coming at it from the perspective of never seeing your son go through this before. Knowing a little bit about what our lives are about to be like, we should not be. We definitely should not be."

"You're right, sorry. I have to trust your experience in all of this."

"Your explanation was one of the cutest things I've seen you do in a few hours though." She squeezed my hand, "It definitely reaffirms you being disappointed in yourself though. It's a broken heart thing for you, isn't it?" I nodded as it hit me that I had just perfectly explained the battle between my head and my heart. "It's also pretty fucking cute that if we take an average of our scaled scores, it turns out that you," Alison tapped my nose while leaning in for a kiss, "are more ready for marriage than I am."

"I'm an 8."

"I'm a 7." She smiled as she settled one leg between mine, "See? This isn't too hard. We're good at this."

"We are. It gets more difficult from here though right?"

"Probably." Her nose nudged my cheek, "That's why I'm petitioning for a break."

"Oh? That's what this is? A petition?" Alison's lips kissed just below my right ear as she confirmed with a short murmur. Slipping one hand up her loose t-shirt, I replied, "Petition accepted."

She squealed as my left arm wrapped around her waist, making sure to tickle her briefly before holding onto her tightly. Her teeth nipped down my neck before coming back up to my lips. We stayed like that, exchanging moans and grasping for skin through clothing for at least a dozen minutes. By this point, Alison and I anticipated each other's movements. Her hip would pull inward moments before my hand rested there. I'd arch my back seconds prior to her leg grinding against me. We yearned for each other the same way. I craved feeling her breath grow heavier against my neck, and the way she'd pause centimeters away from kissing me to wait for me to make the next move. It was a dance of push and pull that we had expertly learned. A playful banter back and forth that captivated us both.

"Petition paused." Alison mumbled against my mouth mid-makeout. I kissed her desperately once more for good measure as she pulled away. "We gotta pause or we will not get through this."

She climbed off of me, before rotating herself back to lay against my chest as I readjusted back against the arm of the couch. I sighed while connecting my arms on top of her stomach. "What else is there?"

"Well, we could always go back to yesterday at our lunch with Maya. After I came back from the restroom, you mentioned that you guys were discussing the insecurities you still have. It made me wonder if maybe there's something I can do better as a girlfriend this next year?"

"That's quite a few questions there, Ali."

"Start wherever you'd like then. Do you feel comfortable telling me about your talk with Maya?"

I shook out my shoulders subconsciously, "I don't mind , but I do know that all you're going to do is say that I shouldn't feel that way. That it's okay, when I can't help but beat myself up over it."

"Does that answer my second question then? Is that what I can do better?"

"Maybe a little. Your ability to calm me down and get out of my head is helpful a lot of the time. Sometimes though, I do need you to just listen."

She kissed my upper arm, "Okay. Is this one of those times?"

"I think so." I inhaled, tucking one hand just underneath the hem of her top. Her hands covered mine for security, "Um, I've kind of realized over the past few weeks that I knew something was wrong with Ash and I before we even broke up. And it more so feels like I was manipulated somehow. Like she saw a weakness in me that I didn't know I had? I still don't really know what that is. I think that's the scary part. It's like I have internal bleeding but no clue of where it's coming from."

"You are very trusting…" Alison said it off-handedly. She wanted me to know that she was listening. Listening and processing right alongside me.

"I would hope that isn't a bad thing though. Maybe it was? But more than that, it still feels so unfair to you. Like I'm underserving of all that makes you, you because I still don't know everything that makes me, me."

"Okay. I'm not attempting to appear as though I'm not listening, but I don't know the answer to that either. For me, I mean. I don't know what make me, me, either."

"You don't? Even after your divorce?"

"I think the nature of being human is self-doubt and worry. And when you put that on top of everything we're bringing into this relationship, it's impossible to know exactly where the struggle you're having is located, babe. That doesn't make it invalid or make you undeserving. It makes you human."

This was it. She had opened the door for me to ask what had been pressing for me since speaking to Hanna. To maybe gain some more insight into the woman I was in love with. To learn more about her than through her relationships with others. To see her relationship with herself more clearly.

"So, that actually brings up something I wanted to talk with you about?" I asked nervously.

She looked up at me over her shoulder, still wrapped in my arms around the waist, "You've been thinking about this. I can tell from how you just asked that."

"Just about a week. I knew that we were going to have some conversations before we headed back to Philadelphia, and it's not pressing. But Hanna brought something up during our talk that I wanted to ask you about. No pressure though."

"No, I told you that night that I'll tell you anything you'd ever want to know. I trust you implicitly, Emmy."

"Okay, Hanna told me during our conversation that I saved you from yourself. That you're not very good alone. And uh, I just don't know that you. I don't know you alone. I don't know, I just want to know every part of you. But Hanna wouldn't tell me more than that. So that's all I know."

"That I'm not good at being alone?" I nodded as she nestled into me. "I mean, Hanna's right. I've been alone a lot of my life, I guess. Part of me would say that Hanna's mom raised me more than my own. And you met my dad. He's… vacant when it comes to me. So, from the time I've been allowed to date, I have. I hadn't really been single until after my divorce. When I look back on it, I think the only reason I married Carter was because I could. I came home from college one Christmas Break but had just broken up with my ex, Jenna. As we usually did, Car and I got drunk in our movie theatre. And the rest is history? That sounds terrible when I say it out loud, but at the time, it made perfect sense. He had never left me. He was the only man ever there for me consistently during my life, other than Jason when I became old enough to be cool and not just a bratty little sister. Don't get me wrong; I don't regret Carter. I can't regret Carter. He gave me Jacob, and in some ways, Jacob was who I really needed in all of this. A child is like the personification of someone who won't let you be alone." She chuckled dejectedly. A part of her had found a joke in a life that didn't seem to be very funny thus far. "I loved that part of being a mother. A little you. A human being that you could mold and shape and make so much stronger because you were their parent. Not your own parents. You. So for a long time, I wasn't alone. Carter was loving and doting and, in a lot of ways, knew me better than I knew myself in my early to mid-twenties. You know the next part though, Emmy. And it was the first time in my life that I felt alone despite having more people around me than I ever anticipated in a time of crisis. Even with the food and gift baskets and support and monetary help, knowing Jacob may not be there the next morning when I woke up. Knowing that my connection point to feeling secure with the rest of my world may be untethered. It destroyed me. And when you put the divorce on top of that, I assume I was a scary person in the weeks and months right after the divorce. I remember some parts of that time. I remember most of my weeks with Jacob." She looked back up at me. Her eyes lightly brimming with tears, but not from sadness just from having to remember in the first place, "If you think Jake is cute now, Jake at 4 and 5 was mind-numbingly adorable. You know, I also remember Thursdays and Fridays well because that's when I had to work for my dad. The foundation was just getting started, so I was helping with small accounts things. But I also had alarms for Thursday. Ones loud enough to wake me out of whatever stupor I had dug myself in to between church on Sunday and Thursday morning. On Saturdays, I cleaned to prepare for having Jacob the next week. But other than that – " She popped her lips as if no thought came to mind.

"You're okay, baby." I rubbed my hands up and down her arms, "You've given a lot of insight; we can stop there."

"No, it's alright." She shook out her arms while wiping away her tears with her thumb, "It just makes me sad looking back at her."

"Looking back at who?"

Her head fell, "Me. Ugh, I mean, whoever I was then. The time that followed. I've lost so much of that to memory. Like I wonder what I did miss, what I don't remember missing."

"And when did that stop? The not forgetting?"

"A little before my birthday, I think."

"So, that's not too long. From when you finalized your divorce to your birthday the next year? That's like what – eight – "

But I felt her hand tighten around my wrist. "No, Emmy." Her body curled so that her back faced the couch as I adjusted my embrace for her lying on her side. "My birthday this year."

"Oh – " The wind felt like it had been knocked out of me. "This went on for – "

" – About two and half years."

"Alison…"

"No, it's okay. I didn't even realize the fog had stopped until I went to Jacob's appointment in June, and they found those tumors. I remember coming home that night and actually processing it. Rationally processing the whole thing for the first time in so long, Em. It was honestly extremely freeing. Kind of like I was experiencing my own life again for the first time. My life outside of Jake. You know, October's gala is the first one I remember well. The others kind of passed by without much – what's the word – comprehension? Sometimes I get choked up thinking about it. I imagine what might have happened if I hadn't come out of it. Where I could be right now if I was so inundated with my own mess that I had missed you." I felt her shoulder's heave, "And I just feel so lucky that you waited to show up until I was ready. That you saw me across that room and – " Her gasping grew heavier, " – Saw me. You saw someone that hadn't been seen in a really long time, Emmy. You saw me and decided I was worth it before I even knew I was. I remember the first night I stayed at yours, after I told you I was afraid about us sleeping together. I'll never forget what you said because throughout my life, I've been so determined to not be alone that I've forgone a lot of the power that comes from being swept off your feet."

I remembered it, too. The way that I could see her immense confidence falling away as though it were a façade she had put up after coming up from her fog and not knowing who she really was anymore.

"My insecurities don't matter to you because you see past them. You know who I am without that. You see me how you see me, not how I see myself. I see you the same way, Alison. You are amazing and no matter how afraid you are of rejection or comparison or letting me down in some way or something. Whatever is trapped in there, I don't fucking see it. I see you how I see you, not how you see yourself. I see you brave. I see you loving. I see you ambitious and determined and honest and patient. I see you."

She repeated my words back to me with her eyes closed against my chest, "I see you brave. I see you loving. I see you ambitious and determined and honest and patient. I see you." Alison's exhale came paired with a small kiss against my collarbone, "I don't know if anyone's ever said something like that to me before, especially two weeks after meeting them. But I never doubted your words or your intentions. There wasn't a moment that I didn't feel safe with you." She reached forward to grab ahold of my right knee, wrapping it over the bottom of her figure, now fully cocooned into me. "So yeah, Hanna was right. I'm not very good alone, and you did save me from myself. But not the way you may think. You saved me from reverting and going back to whomever I was. Being with you the weeks that Jake isn't have made a world of difference. I'm just very grateful to this year. You keep me in the light."

Without a second thought, I started covering Alison's entire face with kiss after kiss. I started with her scalp until she tilted her head far enough back to get the rest of her face as well. Sure, the description of her past few years had been difficult to hear, but hearing the hope in her voice meant more. Hearing her traverse between fear and sadness and grief and hope and love and acceptance all in a matter of minutes let me know that I didn't need to harp on what she had said. I needed to remind her that everything I said our first night in my house together and everything I said since remained true.

"I'm so fucking proud of you." I mumbling kissing her cheek, the side of her ear, a single curl, anything I could to comfort her. "You are a warrior, and you're not alone. I have you."

"You have me."


My soul felt assured slinking back into bed after my shower the next morning. It was a little before 9, and Alison hadn't yet budged. Despite our night being relatively exhausting with our conversation and all that followed, I was surprised that she was still sleeping so soundly. With her face nearly slack, I turned toward my bedside table instead of her hoping to maybe get some extra sleep before preparing for breakfast.

"Oh, I hate that." Alison mumbled a few minutes later, her fingers trailing down my spine as I sighed.

"I thought you were asleep?" I curled further into myself.

She tucked back a few strands of my hair to place a kiss just behind my ear, "And you thought I didn't want to be cuddled? That's my favorite part of our mornings."

Reaching my hand backward to touch hers, I replied without turning, "I'm just tired, and today's going to be a long day."

"Okay…" Alison kissed the side of my head once more, "I love you."

"Love you too, baby." And though I closed my eyes, I could feel Alison adjust in the bed. She lightly whistled behind me, and I knew she was attempting some faint form of guilt. "Ali?"

"Yeah?" She replied nonchalantly.

"Cuddling does go two ways, sweetheart."

"Buuutttt, you just make me feel so protected…"

"And you're needy in the morning."

"Emmy…" I could feel her pout behind me.

I laughed while opening up my shoulders to try and reach behind me again, "Come here, Alison. You're not going to die being big spoon for a morning."

"Well, there's really no evidence of that, and I'd hate to test such a hypothesis on the last day of the – "

"You know, if your stubbornness is enough to prevent you from warming up against your nude girlfriend fresh from a shower, then so be it. But I'm not giving into you this morning."

I curled back up to my right, embracing the close to 30 seconds of silence before I felt Alison's hand on my torso, "You're serious this morning, aren't you?" Her legs slid over next, tucking into the backs of mine before scratching just underneath my head to ask for permission to envelope me with her arms. "Is this better?"

"Much." I sighed, bending into her, "You still alive back there?"

She kissed down my neck, "My only complaint is the whole hair situation. You have a lot of it."

"So do you, love." I wrapped my hand in hers. "Do you want to know the trick?" She nodded into me, while slinking one of her legs between mine. "You already know it because it's relatively dependent on the little spoon." I lifted up my head and tucked all of my hair toward my other shoulder, leaving my entire left side bare.

"Oh, wow." She comically replied. "I thought it was something profound."

"Not at all. And then, hold the top of my right hand real quick? Perfect. And cross it down over my chest so that my hand is resting on my collarbone. There you go. Now you can connect my left hand with your right hand over my shoulder. And after that, your left hand is free to roam."

"I see…" Alison continued speaking as her lips trailed my shoulder.

"Those are my actual tricks. But the hair issue? That's all on you, babe."

She used her nails to dance up the side of my thigh as she whispered, "Thank you. You can try to go back to sleep now. Sorry for being stubborn."

Alison's fingers moved up to my hair, moving even the smallest of hairs away from my face delicately. Her left arm ultimately found its place across my waist. Lulled to sleep fairly quickly, I was surprised to not find her beside me when I woke up.

"Alison?" I called from the bedroom, leading me to hear her scamper from the living room.

Her hand tucked around the door frame as she peeked around the corner, "Hi there, Sleeping Beauty." I smiled up at her wearing our matching pajamas.

"Damn, I was out cold."

She laughed, walking to sit on the edge of the bed, "You were. Didn't even flinch when I moved my arm from underneath your head. That part was scary." She looked over her shoulder, "You ready for breakfast?"

"You ordered breakfast?"

Alison nodded as she stood up, "It's probably what woke you up actually. They knocked on the door louder than I would've liked."

"Awh, you're cute."

"But wait!" She announced, coming back around the corner with a silver cart, "When I called downstairs, I asked if they could bring up like Texas breakfast classics and babe, I really have no idea what some of this stuff is."

I rotated to start getting out of bed, "Okay, let me get dressed really quick, and I'll come back to explore with you." She smiled as I reached forward to kiss her forehead, "Thank you for letting me sleep and for breakfast."

"During your whole 'I have you' spiel last night, did you really think that didn't go the other way too?" She smirked, kissing me gently, "Because it does."


"A little less than an hour til midnight, Emmy." Alison whispered in my ear as we stood in the atrium of the hotel watching the cover band play in front of us.

I turned to face her, kissing her forehead, "Ready for a whole year together?"

"Sounds pretty ideal actually." She rested herself against my chest as we both looked forward, "Do you want to sneak away for a minute?"

"Sneak away?" I pulled back, piquing my interest.

She hit my arm emphatically, "Head out of the gutter. Sneak away to call Jacob and Carter after their countdown, love."

"Oh! Yes, that sounds much better." My tongue barely edged over the side of my bottom lip to accentuate my joke.

"Emily! What the hell?"

"I'm joking. I'm joking." Alison started trying to pull out from my hand as I scattered kisses along her forehead. "I would much rather sneak away with just you than to – you know, that's not any better. I'll stop."

"That's all I ask." She called over her shoulder as we headed toward one of the quiet hallways on the main floor of the hotel.

Alison lifted her phone to be level with us both as Carter picked up the phone with Jacob in his arms, "Mommy! Happy New Year!"

"Hi, baby. Happy New Year!"

"Mommy! Mommy! Daddy bought us jampain."

Carter's eyes went wide as he interrupted, "Sparkling cider! I purchased us sparkling cider." I collapsed against Alison shoulder laughing, "But yeah, I got some poppers that we set off at midnight too. I'm impressed he made it this long, to be honest. How's the trip going?"

"You wook vewy pretty a night, Mommy."

"Thank you, Bug. Emily and I dressed up for a concert they're having at the hotel. I get to see you in 2 days, though."

"It's been a wong time. We still move dis weekend?"

As Jacob and Alison spoke back and forth, Carter and I slowly moved our eyes to each other through the screen, "This is how it usually goes, Emily. They're quite captivated after any amount of time apart."

"To answer your question, Carter, our trip is going well. I think it's been good for this one, especially before next week."

Carter nodded, "Definitely. As a heads up, I found a nice hotel to camp out at for 2 weeks. So, you guys can just let me know when you need me, and I'll be right there."

His words caught Alison's ears, "One second, Bug. Car? We need to break that down a little further this weekend. Em's still going to be working, so I was thinking maybe a split day schedule for us?"

"Whatever works, Alison. I'll be in town until the 24th and then back and forth each week after."

"And you worked that out already?" She asked directly.

"I did, yes. Vancouver gets it."

Their conversation was so procedural. It felt cold and distant in comparison to the conversations Alison and I had during the day about life after surgery. Our conversation had focused on emotional support, carving out date nights, and being flexible based off of Jacob's needs. I was happy to see those differences and similarities. It reemphasized to me that we were a unit as much as her and Carter were.

"Emlee? You excited to see me evewy day?"

"I'm very excited for that, J. Can you believe that we get to hang out even more than usual?"

"It will be fun if my head stays good."

"Head? Stays? Good?" I questioned his word choice.

Alison reiterated, "He means no headaches or anything."

"Right, right. We'll have fun even if your head isn't the best its ever been. I'm going to get your room all set up for you, sweetheart. Don't worry for a second."

"Okay. You hep me, E?"

"I'm gonna do the best I can. Just like Mommy and Daddy will. But, we can talk about this this weekend, J. Spend tonight knowing that you have the whole year to look forward to and that your Mommy and I will be back to you on Thursday."

"Fursday?"

"Thursday, Jake." Carter messed up his hair as Jacob tried to squirm away. "Say goodnight now though. I'm sure Mommy will call tomorrow."

"Night! Wove you! Happy New Year!"

"Love you too! Happy New Year!" Alison and I both spoke simultaneously before hanging up the phone. She immediately exhaled as if just talking about it over the phone stifled her breath.

"You alright there?"

"Yep. I will be." Her hand relocated mine as her eyes turned back to me, "Difficult conversations, you know?"

"You did well though. Carter and I did a lot on that one. You got to focus on J. We're going to be good at this. Not great, but I definitely feel like we'll be above average."

She smiled while kissing the back of my hand, "We're bound to be above average. We have you."

"You're such a fucking sap, Alison." I cackled as she fell into my chest, "I love you for it though. Make my confidence soar to all-time high."

"You're already a great mom. I see all you do for him. How you console him and make him hopeful. You do so much, Em. And so yeah, this will be hard for you, but you're already so much better prepared than the average parent. You have medical experience and understanding of his procedure. We are bound to succeed because we get to add you to the team. I'm better off because of it. Jake is better off because of it. Carter doesn't know it yet, but he will be better off as well."

I wrapped my hands around her waist as we rocked back and forth, "Say the first part one more time?"

"You're already a great mom." I closed my eyes as Alison kissed my cheek, "You're a great mom, sweetheart."

"Thank you." I whispered as we walked back toward the party, "Have I told you that you look stunning tonight?"

"You have, yes." She nudged herself against my side, "Or do you not remember cornering me in the bathroom tonight to lift me on the counter and kiss me while saying 'I'm dating the most beautiful woman in the world' over and over again?"

I hummed, "I do have some memory of that, but it is incredibly cute that you remember it so well."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." She stopped us short of the dance floor, "Twenty minutes left. What's the move?"

"I could go for a drink? You?"

"Drink, then dance?" She confirmed, turning to walk away before scurrying back to me to whisper, "Wait. Room 940, right?" I nodded. "Dirty martini, 2 olives, right?"

"Yes, cutie. You're exactly right."

She smiled, jumping lightly with excitement, "God, I love being a good girlfriend sometimes!"

I watched her the entire time that she was gone. How she spoke to the bartender who must have made a joke based on how she laughed. How she raised conversation about the band and their choice in songs. At one point, she even turned to point my direction so I hesitantly waved to the woman behind the counter. She walked back to me with huge grin on her face.

"Guess who got our drinks for free?" Alison winked, passing me my martini before giving me a sweeping kiss.

I pulled away in surprise, "What the hell was that for?"

She laughed, "She was flirting her ass off with me and then had the nerve to ask which of my 'friends' your drink was for. So, I pointed you out, and she said, 'if you come back and see me tonight, this first round will be on me'. I made a snide comment instead, picked up the drinks without question, walked your way, and came to kiss the fuck out of you. It's as simple as that really."

"You're okay?" I laced my fingers with hers while looking over her shoulder to try and eye the bartender from afar. "I'll go talk to her if I need to."

"No, it's fine. I think she got the message."

"I mean, she won't even make eye contact with me now, so it seems like she did, Ali."

Alison leaned forward one more time for a brief kiss, "Not even worth a second of our time. Love you."

"Love you. In the minutes before the official new year though, is there anything specific you want to accomplish next year or any goals you have for you or us?"

She placed her drink to her lips as she thought, "Other than perfect health for Jacob?"

"Definitely. That one is a given."

"For me, I think I want to work on finding a job that I enjoy more. I need to talk to all the different parties, including you, of course, but maybe even find a job closer to you…"

I raised my eyebrow as I responded, "Closer to me?"

"You are in one spot for 9 and half more years, ideally. Carter is gone half the time in Philly. I don't know. Spending all this time with you is just a reminder that we don't have to be separate 60% of the time."

"We have talked about this though. You did want Jacob to feel like he had a home that was his if you moved here." I rest my head on my palm as I listened to her reply.

"I know what I said, but that was before all this surgery stuff happened. He's going to be living in your house for at least 6 weeks. Maybe we work on making it a home for him during that time? Maybe with all of the transition we've already put into place, your home can be ours?"

"I will be a part of this however you need me to be. But you know that I'd love to live with you. I'd love to come home to you every night. Anything that involves me being with you, I'm in."

"I'm in, too. What about you? What goals do you have, Emmy?"

I wanted to tell her everything because I could spew a list that extended from now until forever.

1. Make age progress in our study

2. Become actual friends with Carter

3. Learn any and everything there is to know about the blue-eyed blonde in front of me

4. Jacob trusting me enough to tell me a secret

5. Jacob asking me to read his bedtime story

6. Maybe do just enough that I earn the title of 'mom'

7. Spend an entire weekend without leaving our bed

8. Grow more confident in our relationship

9. Practice Alison's favorite breakfast, lunch, and dinner to surprise her on a bad day

10. Spend every single moment I can to Alison knowing she is loved by me unconditionally.

But I didn't want to overwhelm her. I didn't want her last thoughts of this year to be about all that I thought we could still improve on. And so, at least to Alison, I appears as though I blanked.

"It is a difficult question on the spot, babe. I understand that." She spoke with innate understanding.

"No, it's not that, Ali. It's – "

As I opened my mouth to finish my thought though, the room started shouting around us.

Ten. Nine. Eight.

I rotated to face her, holding her hands in mine, "I have so much I want us to accomplish."

Seven. Six. Five.

"But more than anything else, my only goal is to make sure that in a year, we are even happier together that we are right now."

Four. Three. Two.

Alison wrapped her right hand around the back of my neck, "That's it?" I nodded.

One.

"Then, consider it done."

And as the room around us shouted Happy New Year and countless couples and scattered strangers found belonging in their kiss, I got lost. In Alison's hold. In her touch. In her ability to make me feel like I was soaring.


Though a metaphor on New Year's Eve, two days later, Alison and I were actually soaring back to reality. She splurged on Business class tickets for the ride home, making our spirits feel a lot lighter. But both of knew what was coming. We could feel it in the air. The light flurry of our brief escape was about to filled with a heaviness I had never quite experienced. Alison spent the flight trying to prepare me. She explained in more detail than she ever had before about Jacob's needed care after surgery. Down to schedule and routine and how to deal with the stress of being a caretaker in any capacity.

It was encouraging to see her being more forward as Jacob's surgery was impending. Compared to the woman who could barely make it through an explanation of Jacob's diagnosis just over 2 months ago, this Alison was entirely different. She was more confident and secure. And so for over half of our trip back, I only listened. I trusted her experience as a parent more than my own as a doctor. I absorbed every detail about taking care of a child that I could because all I wanted was to be okay at this. To not royally fuck up any relationship in the process.

But I quickly learned over the next few months that all of that preparation talk Alison did on the airplane wasn't to actually prepare me. It wasn't to understand procedure or schedule or care-taking. It was to distract me from the grim reality of seeing the boy you saw as your son defenseless and feeble and helpless to the powers that be. Because even if Alison had tried…

Nothing could have prepared me for that.


A/N: Love this chapter. Lots of little sequences throughout a whole week together all leading up to probably everyone's most anticipated part of the story thus far. I hope that it was worth the wait.

for anyone who doesn't know, i am also Posting exclusive And original conTent on anotheR sitE. for mOre stories and guaraNteed chapters being posted every other week, find me at the site listed in the capitalized letters in the sentence above under the name secretpen28. We are two chapters into my latest story Promise Me Tomorrow and the 3rd chapter will be posted on Sunday! All of those profits go directly toward medical bills for my rheumatoid arthritis. If you are so inclined, please go check it out. Shoutout to my top-tier supporters: SquishyAnon and armybrat8.

As always, it is a pleasure writing for you all. This little corner of my life is incredibly sacred to me and your support means the world. Thank you endlessly for trusting me to write these characters for you. It's one of my biggest blessings.

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- secretpen28