Why do I have to be like this…

Who I am is causing trouble for everyone…

Am I sure of who I am?

The sun was setting over the horizon above the open pastures in northern Adrestia. The skies were clear, the wind blew fiercely, and it felt frigid. My muscles ached from the cold, bitter evening.

Within me also, was a bitter, cold, and distressed soul.

I looked up at the sky, seeing faint stars in the distance. My confidence had been stripped once more, and it felt like there was tons of noise around me. Out there, it was a still evening. The soldiers had begun to set up camp from all of the traveling they had done and chatter was idle. How come there is a feeling that I just can't shake? The outside world did not feel scary to me because it's quiet. So, what is it that I am feeling?

Fields used to scare me. Seeing all these people used to scare me. I didn't have a tent ready, yet I felt no urge to flee. Whether or not someone came up to me to speak was the last thing on my mind. I used to cherish staying within the confines of my mind, free in my den as I tended to myself. Now that enjoyment is gone.

It's my worst enemy.

My Mom and Dad. My issue surrounding marriage. My supposed cherished dream of staying single. What is all this for?

How come I have to struggle? Why did my parents have to fight now!? Why do I want to remain single now if all it causes is pain!? If my parents did not divorce, would I be in this position? What if my dad never tied me to that chair on day one? Who would I be then!?

Who am I now!?

Frustrated, fatigued, and flushed, I was desperate to shut off my mind from the same dissonant questions that still stirred. They banged like the constant clash of swords, each merciless in killing its enemy.

That enemy is me.

Spiraling continuously and trapped from the outside world, I never noticed Dorothea approaching me.

"Hey Bern. It's almost time for the final role-call of the day."

I didn't answer.

"I could count you present if you want. I can tell that you are not feeling the best, and probably need to be alone for a bit. I will go ahead and…"

Suddenly realizing that she was in front of me I uttered almost inaudibly: "Help me…"

She was turning away when I said that, but faced me again soon after. "Oh Bern… I promise that I will be back afterward. I promise that this will only be five minutes." Dorothea left, and it was for the worst.

That was the longest five minutes of my life.

The sun was nearly gone by the time Dorothea returned. My mind was worn out from wrestling my own thoughts. She approached me, and I looked at her through my peripheral vision. I did not make out many details because of that.

"Bern. I am sorry with everything that has happened to you. It's not fair this happened during a war. It should be the last thing for you to worry about."

Fighting back the tears that nearly gave in, I could tell too, that Dorothea was also trying. In the long run, it did not work for either of us.

"If I have to, I'll… I'll…" She sniffed. "Defend you in court."

I was silent for a few minutes because of my fatigue, but I got around to speaking eventually. "...I-it's not the court case I am worried about. It's my parents. They are going to be so mad at me." I used to scream when saying things like that, but I couldn't anymore. I was too tired.

"...Why?"

I looked down at the grass. "My Dad is going to because I rebelled him. His want of me marrying Ferdinand for money. I showed him up. He thought that I never would, but here we are."

"And your mother?" Dorothea was looking for eye contact.

"She wanted to kill my father. I refused, and she has to see me as a coward now. Mom did feel sorry for the way I am now because of what my father did though. But because of her very strong opinions, I feel she may have some grudge against me."

Dorothea sighed heavily. I could tell that hearing all of that stressed her out. "I can't imagine any of it." Sighing again, looking sorrowful, she looked up to the sky.

"Sometimes, I wished I had known my parents. My childhood would have looked so different. But my mother, she died when I was very young and my father well...Let's just say he was disgusting. To think that if I stuck with them, it would not have happened that way, and we could have been a happy family. It could have easily turned out this way too. Maybe my parents would have argued a lot too, divorced, and my father groomed me to be a wife for some snobby noble."

She shook her head. "But I don't know. I can't know. I did it to myself instead of having someone force it onto me. By then, it is a matter of will. I wanted to find a rich nobleman. If I had that done to me then...I guess we would have been very similar. I never really thought about it until now," she smiled weakly.

I still refused to look at her directly. I felt this twinge of frustration all of a sudden. On the outside, I still sounded indifferent from my exhaustion. "But, I just want this to be over now."

"And it will. In time."

Feeling all the more distraught, I barely uttered: "But how?"

The moon above us was barely visible. There were clouds nearly covering it, and stars twinkled brighter in the distance.

"I am about to tell you something that sounds difficult to do: Talk to Ferdinand."

I was suddenly snapped out of staring at nothing. "What? How does that help?"

Dorothea shrugged. "Ferdinand said something to me that may relate to you. I can't quite remember why he said what he said, but I could tell those that it was very powerful to him. If you are so curious, why don't you ask him?"

I nodded.

I suppose I should.

Ferdinand sat close by a fire. His face showed great fatigue that matched the other soldiers' expressions. He appeared to be staring blankly into the flames in front of him.

At about the distance of six feet, I sat on the other end of the flames. The orange-redish warmth of it felt very welcoming after a long day of stress. Breathing normally for the first time the entire day, I felt released from the headache I had.

Ferdinand, similar to my condition a bit ago, did not notice my presence. It was weird seeing him like this. I never saw him upset before, or show any weakness; he has more in common with Edelgard than I once thought.

Both of them were toiled by this war. I had always thought they were so strong and confident no matter what happened. Now, I know that everyone has their limits.

This war has taken a toll on all of us. We have not been in it for very long, but we are all weary from the fight.

The coldness, the bitterness, the constant need to work towards something without ceasing. It's really, really, hard to find the motivation to keep going.

Especially when you are in emotional distraught like me.

Out of nowhere, Ferdinand began to mutter to himself. Of course, by the crackling of the fire, it was inaudible. He then sighed and noticed that I was nearby.

"Hey Bernadetta. How are you?"

I mirrored his sigh. "Not too w-well."

He stared blankly into the fire still. "That makes too much sense. I shouldn't have asked…"

"A-are you alright?" I asked hesitantly. "You seem tired."

"Yeah," he replied. "I do not feel well whatsoever. The days are feeling lengthier by the hour. I did not sleep well last night, things back at home are worrying me, and I think my dreams are gone…"

"Oh…"

"Yeah," He said again, awkwardly.

Silence echoed. It reflected the emotion of both of us. We were in dire need of it.

"I honestly feel like I am in a similar situation, actually."

He barely nodded. "I know it all too well. House Varely is in a weird state, isn't it? I haven't thought about it as much as I should considering I am still bound to that marriage contract. The reason for forgetting so often are the other issues before me. I feel hopeless…"

"If you don't mind me asking," I replied. "What is happening to you?"

"My eyes are being opened to what is around me after being blind for so long. I am under Edelgard's command after believing that I could one day rule the Empire. I know a while ago I said that I would be Prime Minister, but I truly believed that meant something more than what it actually brings. I cannot guide Edelgard in any way at all. Why had I worked so hard for nothing!?"

He sighed, and stared into the fire somberly. "Then there's the frustration of my family. Duke Aegir remains to resist Adrestia and House Aegir is suffering as a result. What future am I supposed to have if my father opposes what I believe in, he pulls out all the stops to penalize my inheritance and I have no way of stopping it?"

The fire crackled. Crickets chirped in the distance. I had no words to say. Ferdinand looked more tired than before, but he refused to yawn.

"Believe it or not, I have a solution for this. It sounds insane, but I am going to try it..."

"...I am going to let it go."

A worried look plastered on my face. Did I hear him correctly? Ferdinand Von Aegir giving up? That sounds unlike him!

"So you are giving up? That sounds like something I would have done a long time ago without encouragement…"

"You don't understand," he said. "It's not giving up if there is nothing you can do to change it. It's not giving up if things are out of your control or you worry about it so much that it keeps you up at night. Sometimes, it's the only option you have left."

I was unsure if it was the fire playing tricks on me, but I think I saw Ferdinand tear up a bit. "The worrying, the pressure! It has been eating me up so much that I cannot fight as well or serve my duty as a noble. Those things must come first in the midst of a war. My inheritance might have gone anyway if we lost the war…And so would the people."

"You are right," I nodded. "Worrying and running away has been my hallmark for years. Are you saying that letting it go is kind of facing it head on?"

"Kind of. Letting things go means that you don't allow it to consume you; it cannot win if that is the case. And when you do, I hear that it makes you even more free. Your mind clears. You can do things that you never thought you could never do before because you no longer have this malevolent force disturbing the peace. Peace...that is what I long for."

Peace…

I was surprised at everything he said. "You are very mature Ferdinand. I have never heard anything so insightful from you before. I had always believed that you were so strong. But when you're weak, you seem to have gotten stronger."

He almost grinned at me. "To you as well! It's insane what you have gone through and are about to go through!"

"Yeah…" I could feel my knees tense up.

"Try breathing a little! Remember, by letting go, you are stronger than you think you are. Trust me on that one. I know I did. I have already begun to see a beautiful future beyond this bleak war. Hope may resound in me once more!"

I breathed in and out, closed my eyes briefly, and exhaled. I had a few worrying thoughts cycle in my head, but I did my best to ignore them. I knew it already.

I felt a little better.

"See? That's the spirit! Your eyes lightened when you did that! Now, get some rest. The road to tomorrow is long. However, our minds and hearts will be strong!"

I giggled. That was the first time I did in a long time.

In the back of my head, I wondered if that would be my last.

A/N: Props to anyone who got the Ni No Kuni allusion.