CW: Severe degenerative diseases, misogynistic language, past sexual abuse, past child abuse, past domestic abuse, alcohol use/abuse, dissociation, anxiety attacks
A week into being home Toni was surprised when she got a phone call from Shannon Carter the great-niece of Aunt Peggy. The two of them had only met a few times when they were small at parties and the like.
"Hey um, Toni. My aunt has been asking for you to visit."
"Why?" Toni asked they hadn't really talked since she was a kid unless you count the funeral which she did not.
"She wants to give you something, while..." Shannon's cracked with emotion "um while she remembers what that is she wants to give it to you. She has Alzheimer's."
"Oh, yeah I'll come to see her," Toni said her mouth going dry.
"She talked about you ya know? You and your father both. She was proud of your inventions and school and stuff."
"Why are you saying this?" Toni said feeling dizzy
"So you will come, not just blow it off."
"I wouldn't do that. I don't abandon people."
An indigent noise came from Shannon
"Just tell me where she is." Toni cut in before she could try to make excuses for Peggy.
Walking into the hospital room Toni felt like she had been kicked in the gut. Aunt Peggy looked something Toni would have never thought she could, vulnerable. Toni cleared her throat trying to put her wall up.
"Hi, Aunt Peggy," Toni said with only a slight quiver as she closed the door.
"Hi, Toni."
"Shannon said you wanted to see me."
"Yes, I did. I have a few things I want you to have." Peggy said, turning to look for it.
"Why? don't you have a real family?"
"I never meant to hurt you," Peggy said meeting Toni's eyes
That broke Toni making her mouth run away from her,
"You abandoned me. You knew that house was a prison but you left me there. I loved you, you were everything I wanted to be. Hell, you still are. You were never scared of the men, always had your armour on. You have the lipstick and sunglasses and 'fuck you' attitude, I wanted to be that. I've never been strong. All I am is so lost and alone." Toni shouted her hysterical tone cresting at the end as tears ran down her face, hands waving around. She slid to her knees wrapping her arms around her chest.
"Toni, I wanted to spend time with my family, go home. And after I cut ties with SHIELD I had no reason to be there. I did love you, I never stopped. You are wonderful and you are strong."
Toni leaned her head to Peggy's Knees, "I'm so sorry, I just wanted you to be there with me. I miss you. All of it made me so angry I was cruel. I know you didn't mean to hurt me."
"I know that love. You were never the cruel one in that house, you are so brave for surviving. You're the third bravest person I know. After Steve, and well myself." Aunt Peggy brushed her hand through Toni's hair, The kindness of the gesture sent a new wave of grief through her. Toni sat back on her heels sniffling like a child. She ran her arm furiously under nose, fuck she hated crying.
"Well, I didn't only want to see you. I have a gift for you."
Peggy picked up a stack of notebooks tied together with twine.
"Thank you," Toni said, accepting the stack.
"Well, I haven't even said what they are," Peggy laughed.
"What are they?"
"The journals I kept from the time I worked with Steve and for a while after."
"Wow." Toni smiled, without even having to force it.
"Yes, my nieces never really took to Steve as you did."
"He's a hero!" Toni said indignantly. They might not have ever needed one Toni thought to herself.
"That he is, the best there is," Peggy said wistfully.
Then Peggy's face went serious. She leaned over and said in a low voice.
"There is something in those journals, something your father hid, it can help you find it. You might not ever need it, I hope you won't. But now you will know where it is, someone has too. I'm not the best keeper anymore. Keep it safe."
"I will, I promise," Toni said equally as quiet.
"Good girl."
Toni smiled sadly.
"I'll go now."
"Toni. come back sometime."
" I will."
~~~~~Toni got home, and she just froze standing in the hall. If she did keep visiting then she would lose her all over again, how was that fair? She'd lost everyone but Rhodey and he was never home anymore. It wasn't fair it just wasn't fucking fair! Why was she always alone?
Something had to be wrong with her, that was the only reason they would all leave her. She must be worth nothing to them. of course, she was that so it made sense that no one would want her. All Toni had ever been is a fucking weak girl who couldn't even adult right! All she had was her robots. She was nothing but broken and sad. Just a stupid, worthless, scared slut.
"Argh, screw it!" Toni shouted out and went to the cabinet. She poured herself a drink. Toni paused and stared at it her hands with a vice grip on the counter,
"Ms Toni, I would like to remind you. You haven't had a drink since your time in Wakanda."
"What about it?" Toni muttered
"I think it has been beneficial to your well being."
"Are you going to be mad at me, are you not gonna want me anymore, want to leave me? If I drink this?" Toni asked. Of course, logically JARVIS couldn't leave her, and JARVIS was programmed to always be there for Toni. But JARVIS had thoughts, feelings if he hated Toni she wouldn't make him stay.
"Of course not Ms I will always stand by you."
Toni could hear the disappointment but she also couldn't stop herself.
~~~~~That night Toni woke up from a rather pitiful alcohol-fueled rest. She wandered around, everything felt empty and cold. God, how was she hot and sticky, why was she so sticky? She was still in the clothes she'd seen Peggy in and they felt like they were strangling her. Toni stumbled yanking them off haphazardly discarding the garments. Then she felt worse standing in her living room in her bra and underwear. Everything still felt off, she didn't know what was wrong.
"Are you okay Ms?" JARVIS cut into Toni's thoughts.
"Ah not really. Can you call Rhodey?"
"Of course."
"Hey, baby girl what's wrong?" Rhodey says his face materializing on one of the holographic displays.
"Why does something have to be wrong?" Toni asked quietly
"Something is always up with you, and it's two am where you are. So what's up?"
"I'm cold," Toni said with a vacant expression
"Well, it looks like you're in underwear in the living room. Maybe clothes would help." Rhodey said patiently
"Right."
Toni went to her room. What was she even doing?
"Toni?"
"Rhodey?" Toni said
"Yup, you were putting on clothes." Worry creeping into his voice.
"Right."
Toni put on an MIT sweatshirt, it made her think of Rhodey and was warm.
"Baby girl you are scaring me. What did you do?"
Toni just looked blankly at the phone. Why did he assume she'd done something?
"Mr Rhodes Toni has done nothing wrong." JARVIS cut in.
Toni was pleased J liked her. Then she felt bad as Rhodey looked murderous.
"Who hurt you? What happened? Are you safe?" Rhodey stood up jostling the view.
"Rhodey...My aunt Peggy is really sick." Toni said,
"Oh, man Toni I'm sorry." He sat down with a long breath out
"I just, I don't know. I'll lose her again Rhodey bear. I wasn't good enough to start with it was my fault. And it's just gonna happen again."
"Toni you are good enough. This isn't anything to do with you, you didn't make her sick, this is just bad luck."
"I know, I just don't want to go through it all again."
"Are you safe?"
"Yeah, I'm safe. I'm just really sad."
"You've had a shit few years. But hey I have some leave coming in about a month. I have to see my parents but I'll swing by. wouldn't miss seeing you."
"Okay sounds good." Toni said, "I love you."
"I love you too. Get some rest"
Toni curled on the bed. Toni was glad Rhodey stayed on the line making some idle chatter till she was on the verge of sleep. She then heard his voice come through quite.
"JARVIS?"
"Yes, Mr Rhodes?"
"Keep an eye on her?"
"Of course."
The next morning Toni was sitting by the counter where she had dropped the books the previous day.
"May I ask what the books are, Ms Toni?"
"Oh. Aunt Peggy gave them to me. They're her Journals"
"That's nice."
Toni opened them. She flipped through the pages, she wondered if there really was some secret. Nothing was out of place, a photo of the howling commandos fell out of the second book, that made her smile. Steve, Bucky, Junior, Jim, Jame, Gabes, Jacques, Happy Sam and Pinky. Toni could still name them, pointless information but comforting. She laid it to the side. In the last book after a page smudged with tears after Steve's death, a note fell out. It was newer than anything else the pages barely yellowed.
To the next person to keep it safe,
Howard stark at one point came back into possession of the serum that created Captain America. It is extremely crucial neither SHIELD nor any other organization comes to have it. I believe in our cause with SHIELD but I'm not a child it is not at all unbelievable they would use it to hurt others.
Howard never used the full Serum again, he was power hungry more than he is loyal, he kept it. Originally I thought he would use it again, maybe on himself or a child. Lucky he seemed to believe Toni wasn't worth it. Poor kid will never live up to Steve but in this case, it might be lucky for her.
More than anything you must protect it, never let it fall into the wrong hands. Steve was one in a million. I fear the strength would drive a lesser man crazy and more than anything I fear a full army of lesser super soldiers.
The serum is in a secret compartment in Howard's secondary lab in his main home. It's hidden behind his two favourite things in the world, passcode Steve's serial number & his SI-ID number.
I know it's all personal information but he had no time to change it after his death, hopefully, I pass this while still living to one I know will understand.
Good luck and I hope my death is a good one.
~Carter
Toni read it. She noticed the code would be something only someone who knew Howard could understand. Her, Jarvis, Obie and Maria would be the only ones who could watch it next. It made her angry. In this letter about keeping secrets, people still managed to point out she was lesser. Even if it was true didn't mean she liked to be reminded. Just, she hated these dead people kept chasing her, the only way to get this is to go back to Manor house and walk into Howard's mausoleum. It would all be for Steve, in his memory. While she did love the shit out of him he was dead, long dead.
God, then there was also the fucking pain of her wishing for a good death but instead, she will rot away in a goddamn hospital. A sad pitiful drawn-out death for a trailblazing woman always a giant among men. Because that's what life just seemed to do, apparently knock everyone down no matter how much they fight.
