Chapter 20: Lisa's Finest Hour
"It should be here somewhere." The man whispered. He and his hunting buddies where closing in on the tree where one of them spotted the sparrow earlier. Apparently, the bird had a nest with eggs but that didn't matter to the man. It just meant some eggs to go along with his squab.
At last they found the tree and sure enough the bird was resting in it's nest. Just as he prepared to shoot, the ghostly call of an elk sounded from nearby.
"Did you hear that?" One of his friends asked.
"It sounded like an elk." The other one answered. "But I didn't think there were any around these parts. What do you think we should do Dave?"
Dave thought for a second. Despite being a man of God, he was naturally greedy and wanted both the elk and the sparrow. The elf sounded far enough away that the blast wouldn't alarm the bird anyway.
"Let's bag that buck first and then blast the bird." Dave commanded. The other two men nodded and the trio of hunters began making their way toward the elk. Suddenly, all three men tripped and fell to the ground, dropping their guns in the process. The bushes stirred as several women came out and grabbed the guns.
"Good work everybody!" Roseanne exclaimed. Bart and Sarah came out of the bushes as well, both holding on to the rope that they used to trip the hunters.
Dave quickly jumped back up, even more angrier than usual. "It's you! The damn sinners! Trying to protect that elk huh?"
"Elk?" Roseanne asked coyly. "What elk?" Roseanne motioned her head to the thicket where Homer and Marge came out. Homer let out a bellow that sounded like the elk call.
"Damn am I hungry!" He shouted.
Dave gritted his teeth and was practically foaming at the mouth. He reached for his gun but quickly saw that it was in the hands of Steven who had just finished unloading it and threw the bullets into the darkness of the forest. Beatrice and Zelda did the same, rendering the three guns useless.
The angered Dave further and he rushed back toward the sparrow. "I don't need no damn gun!" He roared. "I'll strangle the damn bird with my own two hands!"
"Daddy stop!" Dave stopped in his tracks as two little girls, Lisa and Selby, blocked his path.
"It's you!" Dave growled at Lisa. "The little Buddhist she-devil!"
Lisa wanted to roll her eyes but decided that now was not the time.
Dave turned his attention to his daughter. "What are you doing with this little sinner? May I remind you that you young lady are a Christian!?"
"Not anymore!" Selby shouted. "From now on I'm a Buddhist!"
Dave grabbed his head and shouted to the sky. "This is a nightmare! The Devil has taken hold of you all!" Suddenly, Dave looked back at the girls. "I'm only saying this once, move aside." He said in an icy calm voice.
"What do you think gives you the right to kill this innocent animal?" Lisa asked with fury in her voice.
"And I say on to you have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that shall ever walk the Earth!" Dave preached. "It's the Lord that gives me the right to kill this bird you understand? Or I guess you wouldn't since you've turned your back on God and became a damned feminist Buddhist!"
"There's nothing wrong with being a feminist!" Lisa defended.
"Of course there is!" Dave screamed. "It puts dangerous thoughts in little girl's head. That it's ok to not love God. That's ok to not have kids. That it's ok to not get married. That it's okay to sleep with another woman!" When are you females gonna finally realize your damn place and stop acting like your lives are for yo-
Lisa had been through a lot of sexism in her life. She got it from school. She got it from the Internet. She even occasionally got it from her family. But this. This was a whole new level of intolerance. It's as if all her pent up anger from years of this crap finally seeped out. And it wasn't focused on Mr. Burns making her the face of ocean slurry. Milhouse for exposing the truth about her ancestor Eliza Simpson in front of the entire school or even Bart for the prank he pulled that started her on this journey. It was this man, right here, that she had only known for a day. He became the focus of it all, starting with a direct kick to the crotch.
"Ahhh!" Dave screamed as he fell over in pain, his face now low enough for Lisa to land a good hard punch.
"Lisa! We finished tying up those other guys and now we can...help...you." Bart as well as everyone else were completely and utterly shocked at the sight before them. Lisa was kicking the absolute crap out of Dave and screaming like a banshee as Selby looked on in horror.
Amazingly, the lighting sparrow remained sound asleep.
