AN: When I conceived this story a couple years ago, it was going to be a fluffy vehicle for smut. L&J's biggest disagreement would be her acknowledging that she wants to go out with him, but in a much more mundane, high school way. And now it's grown into this lol.
I love this story deeply. I would struggle to read this type of angst if it were in someone else's story, so I'll understand if it's all just too much. But I hope this chapter hits you in the feels as much as it does for me! And huge, never-ending shoutouts to my SiL/NKA crew for your brilliant suggestions and questions, patience, workshopping, and beta-ing xo
The Slug Club event ended around ten o'clock. Lily noticed shortly after nine that James was missing, but she stayed 'til the end of the party, mingling with various big wigs and foolishly hoping she'd catch a glimpse of her boyfriend's wild black hair amidst the crowd.
It never happened.
She had seen the disappointment in his eyes when she'd indicated that he shouldn't follow her to get a drink during the party, but the rebuff was necessary. He had been looking at her with barely-masked tenderness, probably realizing that the talk of summer holidays had made her think of her father, and she knew if they walked off together she wouldn't be able to resist accepting any comfort he offered. It was easier to avoid him altogether.
Still, she couldn't help keeping an eye on him as he moved around Slughorn's office, easily charming everyone he met. He'd always been a natural flirt – it was part of why Lily had been skeptical of his attentions, years ago – but now that she knew him better, she also knew that he genuinely liked people, loved the energy of a group and the companionship that comes with shared stories. The James she'd gotten to know was as good of a listener as he was a talker, and she loved that about him. And at the party, he was in his element – even though, in an ideal world, he'd have spent the night by her side instead of rubbing elbows with Professor Slughorn's associates.
So, of course she'd noticed when he disappeared. At first, she assumed that he'd gone to use the toilet, but she'd become confused when he failed to return. Her confusion soon turned to annoyance – after begging Slughorn for an invite, he'd left the event early without so much as a word to anyone? That was just plain rude.
Or maybe it was only without a word to me, Lily thought later, as she walked back to the dormitories. Perhaps he had already informed their host that he couldn't stay 'til the end. Perhaps he'd exchanged pleasantries with several of the other people in the room before departing.
She suddenly had that uncomfortable feeling again, like James was punishing her for not allowing him to take her out in public.
Her cheeks flushed and she cringed, just slightly, knowing that framing wasn't totally fair. She had very nearly shooed him away from her when he joined her and Hestia in talking to Madame Baptiste, so it was silly for her to be surprised that he hadn't sought her out to say goodbye. She wished he better understood why she wanted – needed – to be cautious, but maybe he wasn't punishing her for that caution so much as trying to do as she asked. He may have overcorrected, as he'd said before, but if so, could she really blame him?
They both knew she wouldn't have sent him off with a smile and a warm farewell had he approached her before he left. The best she might've offered under the circumstances would have been distantly polite, and the part of that James would have felt the most would be the distance.
Lily picked up her pace as she approached the Gryffindor portrait hole, the urge to talk to her boyfriend suddenly overwhelming. It was too early in their story for them to be on such different pages. And while she wasn't ready to announce to the entire school that she was dating James Potter, she didn't want to completely ignore him in public, either. She didn't want him to feel like he couldn't even say goodbye to her if he had to leave an event before she did. There had to be a middle ground.
Her plan to tell him all this was thwarted by his absence from the Heads' dormitories. She fretted for a moment that he was locked in his room, ignoring her increasingly loud knocking on his door, but she quickly set that worry aside. James wouldn't ignore her. He was the one who always sought her out, even before they were together, whenever she'd engaged in one of her anxiety-and-hormone-driven plans to avoid complicating things between them. He had never been one to hide from their problems.
So, where was he now?
Puzzled, she walked back down to the landing to where the staircase split for the boys' and girls' dormitories. Heading to the boys' side, she approached the seventh years' room and knocked on the door.
"It's open!" Remus called from inside.
Lily hesitated as she opened the door, then poked her head into the room and glanced around. Remus was laying in his bed with his arms folded behind his head, and Peter was sitting cross-legged on Sirius' bed, facing Remus and holding a textbook. Neither James nor Sirius was anywhere in sight. Lily's frown deepened.
Remus glanced towards the doors, his eyebrows popping up in surprise – or was it alarm? – before his face relaxed into a smile. "Hey, Lil. What's shakin'?"
"Not much. Have you seen James?"
Peter audibly gulped. Lily's eyes swung to him. He held his hands up in a clear "leave me out of this" gesture, and when he spoke, his words were rushed. "Don't ask me!"
She tried not to roll her eyes as she turned back to Remus, who sighed. "He and Sirius had to go take care of something." At her look of surprise, Remus shook his head. "You'll have to ask him about it."
Why does that sound so ominous? "Or you could tell me."
Remus gave her a pointed look, and she huffed out a sigh. "Sorry. I don't mean to put you in the middle. He's not going to get into trouble, is he?"
"Nah, they'll be fine." Remus offered a half-smile and an awkward shrug. "You want to wait for him here?"
Lily pursed her lips, thinking. From what Remus had said, it sounded like James leaving without telling her was less about her avoiding him during the party and more about sneaking off with Sirius to do Merlin-knows-what. The thought made her feel a bit better – some of her guilt faded, and some of her righteous indignation returned. Did he leave the party to go pull a prank?
She shook her head. "No, if you're sure he's fine, I'll go back upstairs," she told Remus. "I need to talk to him privately, anyway."
Peter emitted a squeaky sound of agreement, nodding his head so vigorously she worried his neck would be sore later. Remus shot him an exasperated look before turning to Lily. "They'll be fine. Really," he assured her. Then his serious tone shifted, and his amber eyes twinkled. "And if he comes here first, I'll send him straight to you for a talking-to. Don't worry."
Lily laughed. "All right," she agreed. "Thanks, Remus."
He and Peter nodded their good-byes. Lily went back upstairs and sat down on the sofa in the Heads' lounge. There was nothing to do but wait.
It was nearly midnight when James gently pushed the door to the lounge open. He didn't look surprised to see Lily still awake. If anything, he looked resigned. He sat down next to her with a sigh.
There was a certain tightness in his expression, in the flat line of his full lips and the strain around his usually merry eyes, and Lily felt anxiety coil within her body, as well. He rested his elbows on his knees and folded his hands, his shoulders slumped forward as he faced her.
"All right, Evans?"
She bristled at the casual greeting. "I'm honestly not sure, Potter. Where've you been?"
He stared at her for a moment, hazel eyes wary behind his glasses. "The Death Eaters had a meeting tonight," he said finally. He shook his head, then reached up to ruffle the back of his hair. "Sirius and I went to see what they're up to."
All thoughts of Slughorn's party flew from Lily's head, and her eyes widened in shock. "What? How did you find out about it? And why didn't you tell me?"
James closed his eyes and rolled his neck from side to side, sighing, but his body remained visibly tense. "I overheard Snape and Regulus talking about it earlier this week," he said slowly. "I told Sirius, and we decided to investigate."
Her eyebrows drew together with her frown. "You told Sirius, but not me."
"I told Sirius because it was his brother I overheard. And then I wasn't sure what to do, you know, whether I should tell Dumbledore immediately or find out more about what they were planning first." James shrugged, his expression somehow both defiant and sheepish all at once. "I was going to tell you," he began, "but once I decided someone needed to go see what they're up to, I decided not to. You'd have tried to stop me."
"I might not've," Lily snapped, her tone made harsher by her frustration with James' explanation. He cocked his head at her, his lips pursed in doubt, and she raised her eyebrows in challenge. "But either way, you should've told me."
James narrowed his eyes, his gaze hot with some emotion she couldn't quite place. Through clenched teeth and a smirk more grimace than smile, he ground out, "As much as I enjoy your company, I am allowed to go places without you, you know. I'm not required to tell you my every move."
"Oh, for the love of Merlin." He was being a real prat, smirking and acting as though their relationship didn't warrant any more communication than he might give to any other witch in the castle. Lily folded her arms over her chest. "Every move, no," she conceded. "But spying on Death Eaters, James? That's really serious! You should've at least told me as your co-Head student."
"Look, I wasn't thinking of this as Head's responsibilities when I planned to go," James growled. "It was a bit of a lark. I didn't know whether it was going to be a big deal or just a bunch of pricks wanking to Voldemort's photo. Who knows, with that lot?"
Lily folded her hands in her lap with forced calmness and stared at him blankly. "You didn't think a Death Eater meeting was a big deal?"
He sighed. "That's not what I meant. Of course I knew it was a big deal, that's why I wanted to investigate! But they—their plans—they were more organized than I realized, is all." He was scowling now, but there was real worry in his eyes. "They're trying to pass a law to make people prove their magical heritage before they can work for the Ministry. A blood purity test, Evans! No one has tried anything like that since Grindelwald! They must be mad."
Even though it was no more than she'd expected, a chill rippled through Lily's body at his words. The rumors, the quiet concerns, her own nightmares – they were starting to bear fruit. And somehow, James was surprised. As if he only just now saw these extremists for who they really were.
Her hands balled into fists. "If they're mad, about a third of Wizarding Britain is mad, too, then, right?" she spat. "The Death Eaters aren't the only ones who believe that wizards are superior to Muggles, James. Lots of people believe it! They're just quieter about it."
"I don't believe a third of the Wizarding population believes that rubbish," he replied, his tone as sharp as hers. "At this meeting tonight, there were twelve students—"
"Twelve!"
"Yeah. And, obviously, that's terrible. But they're trying to recruit more, they know they don't have the numbers to accomplish that madness yet," his words came out in a rush, and he pounded his right fist into his left hand. "We've got to make sure they never do."
Lily bit back a sarcastic response. "Absolutely," she said instead, her tone even. She was still irritated he hadn't told her about this in advance, still irritated that he would describe a Death Eater meeting as a lark, but at least he seemed to recognize the danger they posed now. "We need to go to Dumbledore, first thing in the morning."
But James sucked in a short breath through his teeth and shook his head. "We can't."
"Why not?"
"I promised Sirius I'd give him a few days to try to talk some sense into Reg first."
"So, let me get this straight." Lily's fingers curled into claws against her thighs. "You found out the Death Eaters were having a meeting, and instead of telling me, you and Sirius decided to spy on that meeting. At that meeting, you found out those Death Eaters want to keep people like me from working for the Wizarding government. And they want to recruit more people to their side. Is that right?" She stared at him, eyebrows high on her forehead, but didn't wait for an answer. "But you promised Sirius you wouldn't tell Dumbledore right away. Doesn't matter that you're Head Boy, doesn't matter that it's me they hate. Doesn't matter what I think at all, does it?"
"Of course it matters what you think. But it's just three days." James dragged a hand through his hair. "It's his brother, Evans."
"His brother who wants to join people who think I shouldn't exist!"
"We don't know that, we don't know that Reg believes that. Sirius isn't sure."
"Whether he personally believes it or not, he's joining people who do."
"Malfoy said they're not trying to eliminate Muggles or Muggleborns. They're just trying to make sure purebloods run the government." He rolled his eyes. "It's just old families grasping for power."
"Lucius Malfoy was there? And you believe him? You think he's a trustworthy source, now?"
"I'm not saying he's trustworthy, Evans, but it was a meeting for Voldemort's supporters. He thought he was among friends. Why would he lie?"
"It was a recruiting meeting, sounds like. So, he lies to make it sound reasonable, make it something people can get on board with." She shrugged. "Maybe he even believes it himself. But it won't stop with excluding Muggleborns from the government. It never does."
"It does if we stop them."
"Exactly!" She spread her hands in front of her. "That's why we've got to tell Dumbledore! Immediately!"
James shook his head slowly. "I can't do that to Sirius. I promised him time to talk to Reg."
Lily opened her mouth to object, but he held up a hand and bobbed his once head in a grudging concession. "But, fine. Maybe three days is too long to wait."
She snorted. "You think?"
"Don't get tetchy with me, I'm just trying to do the right thing!"
"I'm not getting tetchy! I know you think you're doing the right thing, helping Sirius. But you should've told me, James, and we should've dealt with it together." Her voice was rising in both pitch and volume. "This affects me, too, and that's what we agreed! We'd deal with these blood-supremacist tossers together. I'm the one they want gone."
"I know that," he muttered. "I know this is your fight more than anyone's. I didn't plan to keep it from you forever, I just wanted to get more information first."
She had the sense he was holding something back from her. "But why not just invite me along?"
"I already told you, I didn't want you to try and stop me," James said through clenched teeth. "And sneaking off to Knockturn Alley on a Friday night is much more Sirius' bag than yours, anyway, so—"
Lily's jaw dropped. "You went to London? Tonight?"
James' hand jumped to his hair, and a sliver of guilt shone through his defiant mask. "Shite. Did I not mention that?"
"You know you didn't! What were you thinking? That's so dangerous!"
"We were careful. We thought about every detail, practiced all our concealment charms, planned for a diversion if necessary—"
"Wait," Lily interrupted. "Is this what you and Sirius were doing that day you were talking about Christmas crackers? You told me it was for a prank on Peter!"
"I didn't tell you anything. Sirius is the one who said we were planning a prank. And," he added, "we did plan a prank on Pete. It just wasn't the only thing we were planning."
"Sirius said it, but you confirmed it! You lied to me."
"No, I didn't," he corrected, his hands clenching into fists at his sides. "An omission is not a lie."
"It is when it's something like this!" She couldn't keep the hurt out of her voice. "We're supposed to be partners, James."
Something inside James exploded and burst out of his mouth in a humorless laugh. "Partners. Ha!" His expression was fierce. "So, is that it, then, Evans? We're partners when it's convenient for you, but if I want to talk to you at a blasted dinner party, you get to act like you don't know me from Merlin? Not much of a partnership, is it?"
"Oh, for the love of Godric," Lily cried, standing up with her hands on her hips. "I knew it! When I first noticed you were gone, I wondered if you left without telling me because you were angry with me. And I'd almost convinced myself that wasn't it, just now, but it was, wasn't it? You're angry I wouldn't talk to you at Slughorn's party, so you sneaked off without telling me!"
James jumped to his feet, too. "How many times do I have to tell you: I didn't tell you about the meeting because I thought you'd stop me from going!"
"Yeah, I probably would've, seeing as you had to go to bloody Knockturn Alley! And now you're not even going to tell Dumbledore about it!"
"I am going to tell Dumbledore! I'm just giving Sirius a chance to talk to Reg first, and then I'll tell Dumbledore everything." He shook his head. "Look, you can say it was dangerous or a bad idea all you want to, Evans. But don't feed me this shite about us being partners when I can hardly get you to speak to me."
"What are you on about? We talk all the time! I tell you everything."
"In private. And then in public, you pretend we've never met."
"Oh, come off it, I didn't act like we've never met," she snapped. "I just don't want the whole school—not to mention a roomful of strangers—to know we're dating."
"Well, you needn't worry. After tonight, no one in the world would suspect you have any interest in me at all!"
"Well, good!" Lily yelled. "Because I'd look like an absolute moron for being interested in someone who didn't take the Death Eaters seriously before he saw them with his own eyes! Never mind I've been telling you for weeks that they don't want me in the Wizarding world, and I may not be able to find work here after Hogwarts! I suppose you just figured I was making it all up!"
"I never thought you were making things up! I was there for that conversation with Livia Burke, you know. I've seen the rise of these amateur dark wizards here at Hogwarts since we've been here. I've never doubted that pureblood supremacists exist, and I've seen them long before tonight."
"So then why can't you understand why I want to keep us a secret?"
He threw his hands in the air. "Evans, they're pushing their anti-Muggleborn agenda whether they know we're together or not. We both know that. And you've said it yourself, you want to fight them. You just said that," he repeated. "So why are we hiding?"
"I'll fight them because I've got to. That's not the same as going looking for a fight."
"You don't have to go looking for it, the fight's on our doorstep." James sighed. "I know you'll always stand up for yourself. For your right to be here."
"Of course I will!"
"So, why won't you stand up for your right to date whomever you please? That's just a bridge too far?" He snorted and shook his head. "Maybe it would be easier if you just found some half-blood bloke to be your boyfriend. Then you probably wouldn't attract any attention from the Death Eaters at all."
"Oh, my God!" Lily gasped. The remaining air wooshed out of her lungs as though she'd been kicked in the chest. She inhaled raggedly. "I can't believe you said that."
"Well, what do you want me to say, Evans? For months we've done whatever you wanted, whatever you needed, whatever you were feeling on any given day of the week. And I was all right with it, you know why? Because I care about you, and I figured you cared about me, too, you were just trying to figure things out."
"I was! And I do care about you!"
"Do you care about me, or do you care about having someone to distract you from all your problems?"
Lily blinked. She was still breathing heavily, and her heart was racing. "Wow."
He barked out another angry laugh. "Or maybe you just like having someone to get you off whenever you'd like."
"Fuck you, James!"
"You wish, Evans." He turned towards the door. "I'm going to stay with the lads tonight. See you around."
"No! We're not done here!"
He paused with his hand on the doorknob. Lily held her breath. After a moment, he sighed heavily and reached up to ruffle the back of his hair.
"I think we are."
