AUTHORS NOTE: The letters take place the night before Abby's accident
Robert sighed as he entered his living quarters for what felt like the millionth time. A whole week and had passed since he found out his daughter had been injured. Ever since then he felt like he was spiraling down little by little. He was nowhere near rock bottom yet, but that wasn't a place he ever wanted to be near again.
He was trying his best to keep himself distracted when he could. It seemed hardest to do so on nights he was alone in his bunk nights like this. He so wished he could just pick up and call his wife, knowing that her voice was the only thing that truly comforted him, but that wasn't an option. Especially with the fact he had been able to talk to her twice this past week. Once when he found out Abby was hurt, and the second was the following day. He had managed to talk the General into letting him call them back by some miracle since the call ended so abruptly. Not only did he get to talk to his wife, but he also got to talk to his daughter. However, as nice as it was, even calls like that came at a price. Hanging up only seemed to get harder each time. Yet he still couldn't help but wish he could talk to them both the exact moment he was in.
Silently he shook his head as he sat on his bunk and laid his head against the wall. He knew the more the thought about calling them, the more he would want it, and the more angry he would get because he couldn't have it. But he missed them so much it felt like not only was his heart aching, but his whole body. And just like that he felt like he was spiraling down even more as the thoughts kept repeating in his head of how he missed them and wanted them. And it wasn't only those thoughts repeating through his head. There wasn't a day that passed that he didn't think about the fact that he might not make it back if something were to happen to him, which he knew wasn't likely, but it wasn't out of the question. And not a day went by that he didn't think about how he probably wasn't going to be the same person when he came home.
He had seen first hand what being deployed had done to some of his friends back during his first deployment. He even had a tough time after returning from his first deployment. While this deployment was different for many reasons, he felt the same loneliness and desperate need to be with someone who truly cared about him. The way Andy and Abby cared about him. His last deployment he didn't have that. It was before he met Claire. In fact Claire was the person who helped him find the light in all the darkness after coming back. And after Claire died, the darkness surrounded him again, and he wasn't sure he'd ever find his way out of it. That was until he met Andy. At first she infuriated him, but as time went on she grew on him, even if he didn't show it. And then he almost died, and so did she.She made a point to check in on him as much as she could. For once he didn't feel alone. They fell in love as each day passed. Even when things got rocky the love was still there. When the darkness started creeping in, she was there. Well maybe not always there, but she tried. He couldn't blame her for the brief time she stopped because he wouldn't let her in. However from the moment he fully let her in, the light was let in. Even when bad things did happen, they were there for each other, they got each other through. Yet no matter how hard he tried, even knowing how much she loved him and cared about him, he couldn't find the light. Not when darkness was all he could see around him. He didn't know how to fix that, but he was desperate to.
As the thoughts continued to roll through his head one after another, Robert could feel tears continuously roll down his face. He wasn't one to typically cry like this, but his body was doing it on its own. He quite literally couldn't control the tears or the few sobs his body let out. He found himself having many moments like this since he arrived. It seemed as if nearly every night the past week he had spent the night crying in his living quarters alone because he couldn't handle the stress and heartbreak of being away from his family.
"Mail for Commander Sullivan." A voice spoke from the other side of the door causing Robert to snap out of the trace he was in. He quickly wiped away the tears from his eyes before approaching the door. He opened the door quickly before taking the mail from the man and shutting the door just as quickly. Normally he would have said something to the guy delivering the mail, but he just couldn't manage making small talk tonight. Quietly he walked over to his desk and sat down before looking at the Envelope addressed to him. Immediately he knew where that letter came from based on the hand writing, and for the first time in the past few days he smiled. Silently he opened the envelope seeing two separate letters addressed to him. One from Andy, and one from Abby.
Just like last time he opened Andy's first. However he was surprised to see something fall out of the letter when he opened it. Setting the letter down, he looked down at what had fallen out. Another smile grew on his face as he realized what it was. It was an ultrasound picture. It didn't take him long to find both babies. They didn't look much like a baby yet, but he knew soon enough they would. Looking at the two new life's he created with his wife made his heart a little more full, but it also reminded him of everything he was missing already and everything he was going to miss. Quietly he whipped away a few tears that built in his eyes before setting the picture down and picking up the letter.
Dear Robert,
I hope this letter finds you well. I still can't believe we got to talk on the phone the other day. I really missed hearing your voice. I honestly didn't think they'd let you call so soon, so it was a nice little surprise to hear from you when we did. I just wished it would've lasted a little bit longer. Abby was super excited about the call too. I think she's handling this whole situation a little bit better than she has been, but there's not a second that goes by that she doesn't miss you. I think the stuffed dog that you got her is what has been keeping her sane. It's kind of cute honestly. She takes that dog with her everywhere and she sleeps with it every night as well. She also refuses to let it out of her sight after losing it at the Warren household. I just hope she doesn't become too overly attached to it. Lord knows what could happen if she lost it again.
Robert just shook his head and chucked. Abby really was attached to that dog alright. He just couldn't fathom how his daughter seemed to have lost it not once, but twice. He never imagined how attached she would become to it when he had bought it. All it ever does is cause trouble it seemed. Maybe he shouldn't have gotten Abby anything. She was four years old after all and he expected nothing less from her. He only wished he could've gone back in time to warn them what would happen. But, knowing he couldn't do anything and that the events of last week are in the past, he just sighed and continued reading Andy's letter.
As for me, I've been feeling okay I guess. I still get morning sickness from time to time, but not nearly as much when I was pregnant with Abby. Which honestly surprises me. You would think with twins it would be twice the amount of sickness, but hey I'm not complaining. I've also been trying to take things easy too ever since my accident. Everyone at the station comes by to check on me from time to time and it's really nice and all, but it's starting to get on my last nerves. I know I'm only 10 weeks pregnant, but I think I might ask Maya for some time off soon. That way I can just have some space to breathe and time to spend with Abby. Maybe I can even start fixing up the nursery. After all, I am going on a shopping trip with Inara tomorrow. I know you won't get this letter until after we go, but I'll send you some pictures of things I like and then you can tell me what you like and what you don't out of the stuff I send. I just want to make sure you are a part of this experience too, despite the hundreds of miles that separate us.
I'm also not quite sure how I want to tell Abby we are having twins. I never got the chance to tell her and well, I'm not quite sure how she will handle the news. She was already a little sad at first when she found out she wouldn't be the baby of the house anymore. She was even more terrified that she wouldn't be your little princess anymore. So, I don't know. Do you have my suggestions? I just don't want her to hate me and I'm honestly open to any ideas you might have. Because whether or not she likes it these babies are coming and they're here to stay.
Anyways, I really just hope that you are alright. I know in your letter you mentioned having sleepless nights and signs of PTSD from your last tour. Please, just remember in those moments of fear and doubt, know that I am thinking of you. You are always on my mind and heart Robert and I know you can get through this. Whenever you're sad or miss us, take a look at the photos I sent with this letter, or wear your bracelet and know I have mine on too, or even just hold Abby's birthstone close to your heart. You now have a piece of all four of us and we will always be in your corner cheering you on. You can also overcome the urges you get because I know you still get them. Just please, if you ever do get those urges Robert, talk to someone. I don't care who it is, just promise me you will fight them off.
I love you so much Robert and I miss you like crazy. As always, please stay safe amd stay well and I look forward to hearing from you again soon.
Love,
Andy
Robert sat the letter down and whipped away a few tears that had filled his eyes. He missed his wife so much, it was unreal. He wasn't sure how she always knew what she needed to hear but she did. He couldn't go on feeling the way he had been, especially the past week. He made a mental note to go to one of the group counseling sessions offered, something Jesse had suggested to him a few days ago. He wasn't sure if it would help, but it was worth a try. Anything was worth a try. He had to find ways to hold on. For his wife. For his daughters. And for the twins. He just had to.
Robert gave himself a few more minutes to reflect on the words his wife wrote him before he picked up Abby's letter. On the front it had, To: Daddy From: Abby, written in her own cute scribbly handwriting.
Dear Daddy,
I do miss you! I miss you lots! Sometimes I get sad because you're not home with me and mommy. I wish you could tell me goodnight every night like you used to. I am really excited to be a big sister now, as long as I don't have to share my toys with the baby. The baby can have it's own toys, not mine.
Robert let out a soft chuckle and shook his head at his daughter's words. He really couldn't tell if she would be excited at the idea of getting two siblings instead of one. He just hoped he'd be able to offer his wife some helpful advice when it came to doing that.
Mommy and I are going shopping soon with Aunt Inara, I'm really excited. And Pru and I are supposed to have another sleep over soon. And I drew a picture ate the bottom of the page just for you. I hope you like it. I hope it reminds you of home. I hope you can come home soon because mommy and I both miss you so much. Stay safe and be careful daddy, and most of all be brave daddy. Bye for now daddy. I'm gonna go color more pictures now so I can send you more next time. I love you.
Love, Abby
As he finished Abby's letter he couldn't help but let a smile grow on his face. His little girl always knew how to do that. Every day he was missing her growing up little by little. By the time he got back she'd be so different, but she would always be his little girl. He had to try and be the best version of himself when he came back home, and he knew part of that was asking for help when he needed it. And that was exactly what he was going to do.
