WARNING:

This story contains references to drug, sex, and violence as well as depictions of such. Please read at your own discretion.

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"What the fuck guys!?"

I tensed, cringing awake to the dim light and harsh voice. I pried my eyes open gradually but they burned and shut again. I had to get up, I had to find the noise. The smell of a fruity citrus brushed my nose. Odd. My fingers felt for my pillow but it was hard. The tips pressed deeper in the smooth fabric but stopped upon hitting a strange nub.

I felt myself rise with a gasp not my own and quickly fall back.

What?

"Hikari…"

The chest vibrated at the sound of my name and I knew I had to investigate. I rubbed my eyes and slowly sat up. Something shifted between my legs. It bucked forward, pushing me back in. I tried to straddle it, get a better balance and peered through my half-open eyelids: tan skin, lighter than mine, of a built chest, slim neck, cut jaw, locks of chestnut brown hair.

"Sora…?"

"Guys! Seriously!?"

In a moment our eyes snapped to Kairi and Roxas standing at the doorway blazing red, infuriated to their core.

"Kairi?" Sora mumbled.

"Roxas?" I whispered.

"Okay now that you've reintroduced the cast," Roxas spat sarcastically. "Do you mind filling us in on what the hell is going on here?"

I cocked a brow, "going on—?"

"Don't play dumb!" Kairi's tone was vicious. She'd never spoken to me like that and it shook me awake. "I was suspicious but I thought I was just going crazy."

"Going crazy?" Sora repeated. "Kairi, what are you talking about?"

"You like her!" Her fists clenched. "It's so freaking obvious. You're always texting and laughing and I knew it, I just didn't want to believe it."

"Kairi, no—"

"I saw you two," her eyes welled with tears. "In Atlantica, there was a spark. You two must be meant for each other… God, why couldn't you have just told me? Why go behind my back and cheat!?"

Cheat.

The word unlocked yesterday's events in my mind and the memories spiralled. I clasped my hand over my mouth. The room began to spin, my heart was racing and the tears stung once again.

"Are you really crying right now?" She flared. "Are you really going to fucking cry, Hikari?"

I shook my head. I had to speak, I had to say something. But I couldn't find the words again.

"Kairi, stop!" Sora's voice was stern, a tone I barely heard from the goofball. "Nothing happened! Vanitas… Hikki walked in on him with another girl."

I burst, clutching on my chest and Sora grabbed me before I could fall back onto him. He sat me up, rubbing my back but I couldn't stop. I just couldn't make it stop.

"Hikki," Kairi rushed to my side and guided me from her boyfriend. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry…"

"Christ…" I heard another set of steps approach. "I'm sorry, Hikari."

Roxas' voice came from Sora's side and yanked myself from Kairi's arms and over Sora's lap to find his eyes.

"I came looking for you!" My voice trembled. "I was wrong… You knew, only you knew how it felt. I needed you, I wanted you… A-and I couldn't find you, Roxas."

He bit his lip in frustration as he tried to hide the pain in his eyes. I didn't blame him for this, I didn't.

"It's what I deserve," my head dropped. "It's what I deserve for not listening to you. You warned me… You tried to save me. You always try to save me and I don't listen. It's my fault he screwed her, my fault I walked in on them, my fault we got in a fight."

My lips quivered, my voice just a breath, "it's my fault I'm broken."

Kairi dragged me back to her and I collapsed into her lap.

"You're not broken," she protested but I couldn't respond. She rubbed my back and muffled my cries. It was pathetic but I was just hurting so fucking bad. I couldn't control it. My body felt as if it was failing to repair itself and my mind was disintegrating.

She lifted me slowly from her thighs but I clutched onto her for stability.

"I can't do this, I can't, Kairi. I can't," I was hyperventilating in her grasp.

"I know Hikari," her eyes were so kind. "You won't do it alone. We're all here for you. We'll protect you."

"It just hurts so bad," I wept, clutching onto her lap. "So bad I think… I think I could die."

"Oh, Hikari…"

A chortle escaped my lips but I brought my hand to my mouth. "That sounds crazy, doesn't it? So dramatic…"

"No," I felt her arms pull me in once again. "It literally just happened. You're allowed to be dramatic and crazy."

I nodded slowly but gripped tighter, "but why? Why cheating? I could take anything… Not that."

"Because he's selfish," she answered. It was such an easy simple answer too. But it wasn't enough. "But he's gone now. And we're here. And we'll keep you safe. I don't know why somebody would do anything like that but I do know they'd have to be an ugly—"

"How can he be ugly, Kai?" I wailed. "He looks just like Sora and Roxas and they're hot!"

I gestured towards the boys on the other side of me burning bright red she she giggled and pulled me into her shoulder.

"An ugly person, Hikki," she stroked my hair. "Internally. And that's not something you can just fix."

But that's where she was wrong. At least then. I thought I could fix him, make him into the man I always knew he was meant to be. I had all this faith in these foolish emotions and look where it led me. I'd truly believed that I could love Vanitas into being kind, open and help him through all his problems. And I believed all that because when he looked at me he made it feel possible.

"But I wanted to try."

"It's not something you should have to fix either, Hikki. In a relationship you should make each other better, not be working to fix one another."

I shrugged, I couldn't argue with that. I couldn't argue with anything anyone ever said because at the end of the day, I'd allowed myself to be foolishly used and this torment was the consequence.

"Come on," she whispered. "Let's get you home. We'll have a girls' day, okay?"

I nodded slowly but I doubted anything could take me out of this mood. Tears were still streaming down my face, although silently, and I was too ashamed to meet anyone's eyes; especially Roxas. He'd been awfully quiet but really what could he say? He was probably disappointed in me, ashamed even. Hell, I felt that way about myself.

We left the boys' dorm quietly and were greeted to Xion as soon as we got home. Kairi must have filled her in because she already had ice cream thawing out on the counter. God, since when had I become such a cliche? Still, my stomach rumbled and I could go for a spoonful of the butterscotch flavoured treat. It was much better than eating anything solid.

Once we settled on the couch, the girls on either side of me, I went over the story once more and unfortunately broke down yet again. Xion held my hands as Kairi rubbed my back but I was still a blubbering mess.

"I would have done anything for him," I muttered. "I didn't care what it was, anything he'd ask I would have done it."

"I know, Hikki," Xion sighed. "He never deserved you. What an asshole."

"I tried my best you know? To be a good girlfriend… It was my first time and I still managed to ruin it."

"No, that's on him," Kairi declared. "He made his decision, he made the mistake."

I was about to rebut when the familiar chime of my phone rang. Kairi reached over for my back and shifted through it, "that might be Mari, I messaged her to fill her in. I didn't want you to have to go over it all again so soon."

I nodded slowly and scooped a bite of my ice cream. Suddenly, Kairi huffed and Xion and I turned to her as she rolled her eyes.

"Idiot," she muttered.

"What is it?" Xion asked.

Kairi held the phone towards us with a glare, "guess."

My screen was bombarded with missed calls and texts from Vanitas, all I'd managed to ignore in my hysteric state. He'd had to been calling and messaging me all night and in a split second, a rush of guilt fell over my shoulders.

"Vanitas," I mumbled. "I should call him bac—"

Xion held her hand infant of my face, "absolutely not. Kairi—"

"Already on it," she flipped the phone back to her view and typed away eagerly at it.

"What're you doing? What's going on?"

"I'm making sure he doesn't come around here and hurt you again," she answered. "And blocking his number or good measure."

A twinge of pain struck my chest, "but Vanitas, he needs me. What if its—"

"No 'Kari," Xion frowned. "If he needed you, cared about you, he never would have hurt you like this. But he did and now he's probably just going to try and manipulate his way back onto your good side."

Kairi nodded, "he knows you're vulnerable and if there was ever a time to get you to forgive him it would be now."

They had a point. The moment I saw his name I immediately wanted to jump into action and speak to him. I wanted to believe more than anything that this was all a misunderstanding and we were still in a relationship but my mind could have never made up the sight I saw.

I bowed my head in my hands and shook it slowly, "I just wish I could forget it. It's on loop in my head."

"I don't know about forgetting," Xion rose from her seat and headed down the hall to her room. "But I got something that'll make you feel a bit better."

That felt impossible nothing could lift my mood and I was even more sure of that when she returned with two glass bottles of vodka.

"Where'd you get that?" Kairi asked.

"Just a little token from Tinker," she winked and headed to the kitchen to grab ice and glasses. "You need a break Hikki and nothing will get your mind off all this like a cool drink."

Shrugging, I replied, "sure."

Kairi cocked a brow, "you sure?"

"Yeah, why not? I just wanna stop crying. I'm giving myself a headache."

Xion giggled as she joined us back in the living room and passed out the glasses before setting the bottles down. I twirled my cup in my hands, eyes on the blocks of ice glistening inside. If alcohol was what it took to get a moments piece I'd down the whole bottle if I got the chance.

"To you," she grinned, holding her glass up. "Through all the bullshit you're still standing."

"I'll drink to that," Kairi cheered and clinked our glasses together. I smirked and took a swig of the bubbly cocktail. It was rather sweet, Xion must have mixed it with something. Either way, I leant back on the couch sipping away.

"You just made the worst mistake and you'll regret it darling!"

"'Cause once you give and then you take—"

"You'll only end up wanting!"

The living room span in circles, or maybe it was me, who knew? What I did know was I was atop our coffee table, barefooted and chanting along with my friends songs off a random playlist of heartbreak anthems Kairi had found. We'd already managed to empty out one of Xion's bottles and were a third of the way done with the next with no sign of stopping.

"I wanna be your lover, I don't wanna be your friend!" My voice croaked as I clutched onto my chest. "You don't know what you got 'til it's gone my dear—"

"So tell me that you love me again!" The girls cried along, swaying to the music. It was loud, we were loud, off-key and slurring all our words but none of it mattered. The pounding in my chest only made me want to scream louder. I 2wanted to throw all of these god awful feelings away, all of these stupid emotions and never feel a thing again.

"So tell me that you love me again!" Tears streamed down my cheeks and I wasn't sure what they were filled with by I hid them behind my glass with another chug. I could barely taste the alcohol on my tongue, I'd been throwing it back like water. I just needed the fuel to drive away these thoughts.

"Boys are nothing but demons!" Xion slurred as she refilled my cup. "Good for nothing assholes!"

"Especially he who shall not be named," Kairi sat atop the couch munching on a bag of popcorn we'd made earlier. "I hate him, I hate him so much. Who the hell does he think he is? Who the hell do any of them think they are!?"

"We should throw them away," I leant down and pulled a red string of liquorice from one of our bowls of candy. "Just gather them all up and dump them on another planet."

Xion snorted, "another universe."

We cackled wth laughter and continued singing and swaying. Time meant nothing like this and neither did our words or any consequences that may come from them. I was as fluid as my emotions, one moment worried about being over dramatic and the next writhing in my misery. It was insane, almost as if I could feel my heart break, like I could see it cracking with every ticking minute.

"I can't believe I thought I was falling for him" I scoffed. "I wanted to sleep with him guys. He would have been my first."

"'Least you dodged a bullet," Xion tossed herself in our sofa, skipping drinking from her glass and rather sticking a straw straight into the bottle. "He can never say he took everything from you."

"You're right… Still, I thought I could really love him guys. I wanted to love him." Oh God, no! The tears welled in my eyes before slithering down my cheeks. "I was gonna say it to him, right at the moment I gave him all of me. I was gonna say 'Vanitas, I love y—"

"Hikari?"

I whipped my head behind me to see a distraught Roxas. He barged right in, locked the door behind him and marched straight ahead to me on our coffee table. God he could move fast, and was it me or was he spinning too?

"What's going on?"

"We're just having a little fun, Roxas," Kairi hiccupped. "Hikki just needed to forget for a little bit."

He glared back at her before sighing, "well the party's over. You guys keep making all this noise and you're gonna get guards called on you."

"Screw the guards!" Xion whined from the couch. Roxas only rolled his eyes before turning down the volume of our speaker and gathering up our dishes. He was probably right, maybe we should have toned it down. But God it just felt so good to lash out for a bit.

"Alright, now you."

Before I could stop him, the blonde hoisted me up from the table and cradled me to his chest. I could feel my face redden as he marched us down the hall and straight away to my room.

"I'm putting her to bed, you guys should probably rest up too cause tomorrow's hangover's bound to be a trip."

When we entered my room he set me down on my bed and told me to change into some fresh clothes while he grabbed something from the kitchen. I went with Lucas' raggedy old shirt before sitting upon my bed, hugging my calves and resting my cheek against my knees. This was the first moment of quiet I'd really had since yesterday's chaos. When I was livid and falling apart at my discovery it had felt like a thousand voices were chanting all at once. But now it was just me staring out the window at the early sunset.

My eyes watered and instantly I hid my face away. I hadn't been alone in so long, at least it felt that way. And now things were just like they'd began but now I looked even more foolish.

What kind of idiot got cheated on? Everyone had warned me, even Ven! But I let myself be fooled by a fucking con artist. It didn't matter what the others said, I deserved all this. Hell, Roxas had even confirmed it. He didn't have to say it but I saw it in his eyes, in his actions. He could barely look at me and had hardly said a word. He must have been so disappointed, ashamed to have even known me.

There was a rapping at my door before it creaked open, "Hikki? Can I come in?"

"Yeah," the hoarseness of my voice was no surprise and I was pleased to see Roxas return with a cool glass of water. He handed it to me before placed two small red pills in my hand.

"Here, it'll help you feel a bit better tomorrow."

Nodding slowly I downed the pills with a swig of water. The refreshing drink was cool on my tongue, a welcoming feeling.

"How you feeling?"

"I'm… feeling," I muttered. I had no idea or desire to answer that question. It was like one moment I was shocked, then angry, then sad, then feeling guilty; my emotions were all over the spectrum.

"Yeah, it'll probably be like that for a while."

My eyes travelled to see the sorrowful look on his face before turning back to the ground. He would know how this felt but suddenly, I was afraid to talk about it with him. It felt selfish and silly to even think my pain over a relationship that had barely begun was comparable to what he'd been though.

So instead I handed him the empty glass and laid back in my bed, "thank you."

"'Course."

This silence between us was deafening. I was curled up in my bed, eyes empty looking to a wall and he sat on the very edge as if he was afraid to get close to me. I'd never been fragile to his touch before but he could barely look at me, forget putting his hands anywhere on my body.

"Namine was right about me."

That got his attention," what?"

"She said I'm broken… Said you and I don't work and I should keep my distance."

Roxas stared into my eyes, a flare of anger in those blue orbs. "She what?"

Guilt immediately washed over me. I should have never said anything but I couldn't stop. Every thought, every tear, every emotion just came gushing out of me. I wanted to hold back but it felt impossible. I didn't want him to be mad, not at her, it was my fault. I was fucking up all over again.

"Don't say anything."

"Hi—"

"No," I warned. "Just… Just let me handle it."

His brows furrowed but he gave me a short nod. I let out a sigh of relief; maybe it was exhaustion that was making me crazy. I'd probably spend all of tomorrow in bed at this rate. My forehead throbbed and I placed my palm to it, the physical effects of my outburst were finally setting it.

"What happened between her and I," he mumbled. "It's not your fault, okay?"

I shrugged, he could say that all he wanted but no ounce of my being believed him. It all anybody had been saying: it's not your fault. If that was true then why was I suffering due to somebody else's mistake. Where was the fairness in me because the one heartbroken and crying so hard my eyes burned.

"He hid everything from me," I whimpered, turning to look at my bookcase once more. "Absolutely everything and I never questioned any of it because I trusted him."

I felt the palm of his hand stroke my hair and sighed into his touch. It wasn't much but it did feel nice. He was always so warm, so comforting, I wanted him to be around all the time. Maybe ifI'd just stayed with him at Tinker… Man, that was probably the beginning of the end, huh? I'd run to a cheater and he'd finally moved on. Tessa, right? The pretty blonde those girls talked about in the change room? She was slender and tall, closer to his type. But if he was with her, was this okay?

Guilt struck me instantly and I mumbled, "would your new girlfriend be kay with this?"

"Huh?"

"Tessa, the girl from Tinker."

I peeked up at him, taken aback by the confusion of his creased brows before he smirked. "How do you know her name?"

Blushing, I faced the wall once again, "you mentioned it once, you must have forgot."

"Hm," he probably didn't believe but continued to stroke my hair. "She's not my girlfriend."

"Oh."

"Yeah, she was nice but we just didn't vibe all that well."

"Hm."

I didn't know how to feel about that, I probably shouldn't have felt anything. He wasn't mine after all. Why was this even on my mind? I'd just been thrown for a loop in my own relationship and here I was thinking about his. What if that's why Vanitas had cheated? What if we just didn't vibe anymore and instead of dumping me he just found somebody else? Maybe I was too pathetic to leave. Maybe he pitied me enough to stay.

My eyes strung and I threw my head into my pillow. The tears were bad, already shedding when I thought about what Vanitas and I had. My bed squeaked and soon enough I felt a warmth over my shoulders. Roxas… was holding me? He pulled me in closer to his chest and I fumbled to find an excuse to leave his embrace but I was weak to his touch.

"I wanted him to meet Lucas," I mumbled into the crook of his neck. "I wanted him to see my room and try my favourite foods. I wanted all of that for us."

I could feel Roxas nod as my weeping took over the silence between us. "We were gonna be so happy," I continued. "It was going to be hard but I just knew we'd be happy."

My body trembled as I gently lifted my head from his shoulder and watched his blue eyes fill with sorrow. I was so ashamed, so broken and I just couldn't stop crying.

"I would have done anything, gone anywhere… I know it sounds crazy but Vanitas made me feel… He made me…" I choked and my hands curled against his chest. I'd become a mess of tears and confessions, spewing out all I had in me.

"I wanted to love him, Roxas!" I croaked. "More than anything… I wanted to look at Vanitas and say 'I love you'."

The words clenched at my heart just as I scoffed, "I'm such an idiot."

"No, Hika—"

"No, Roxas!" I glared up at him with glassy eyes. "I am! I let myself get carried away with him! I could have lost everything, even you all for what? It was right in front of me, all the signs and you all told me, especially you but I still let myself be deceived."

"But that's not—"

"It is my fault! Just say it Roxas! Tell me it's my fault! Tell me I caused this! Stop trying to protect me; everyone knows it!" My heart raced and I only cried harder as I begged him to chastise me. The blame was weighing me down and I was buckling under it but it was what I deserved. All of this could have been avoided if I'd just opened my fucking eyes!

"I was so blind to all of it. He wanted to keep everything a secret, not even take pictures together… He was hiding me away, For what? Because he was so ashamed of being with me? Am I that bad?"

Roxas clasped his hands by my jaw and pulled me in closer. I could feel his breath against my lips when he whispered, "no, never. Angel, no. Don't ever say that, never. Don't you dare fucking say that."

With widened eyes I stared into those ocean blues with shock. Even now, he was still protecting me, even when I told him not to. Somehow through everything he still saw some good in me. His misplaced kindness, his purity, his inability to judge… Even now he gave it to me.

"Why wasn't it you, Roxas?" My hands crept onto his still caressing my face. "Why couldn't I say it to you?"

"What?"

My fingers gripped on tighter when I finally managed to cry out, "why couldn't I say: Roxas, I love you?"

Our eyes rounded and held only on each other. I could hear the subtle tapping of rain against my window in the background but his silence was deafening. The shock on his face said it all, I'd don too much, I'd been stupid and reckless all over again. My toes tingled, tempted to leap off this bed and run and just keep running until I couldn't. But even I was too shocked by my own words. I had to say something, take it back, apologize.

Roxas blinked, once then twice and before I knew it he had my pressed tightly to his chest in a tender hug. Hesitation and confusion his me first but then his familiar smell filled my nose and his soft skin took me back to a sweeter time.

In moments I was wallowing and weeping against him, screaming into his clothes and clutching on so tight my fingers went numb.


AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Hello reader(s)! Just wanted to say thank you so much for reading!

Please Read, Review, Follow! All forms of criticism are welcome.