"When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, 'I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.'"
John 8:12
"I ain't sure what it is, Dar. I just get the weirdest feeling when I call and her dad answers the phone."
Darry sat in the recliner, a cup of coffee in his hand, as he talked with Soda, who had just hung up the phone. "Well, he's Penny's father, little buddy. He's probably feeling protective, especially with her being pregnant and all."
Soda sat down on the couch, unable to keep from sighing. "Yeah, I know. It just feels like something else though, even if I sure can't seem to put my finger on it."
"Catch, Stevie!"
Steve caught the frisbee Soda had sent flying toward him, his best friend stepping into the Randles' backyard. "Hey there, man. You're lookin' cheery."
Soda caught the frisbee that Steve tossed back to him. "Yeah. I guess I am. I'm feelin' kind of jumpy inside though."
"Jumpy? I hope that's different from shaky."
"It is. Not as scary. But I talked to both Samuel and Penny earlier."
"So are all of you meeting up?"
"Yep. Later this afternoon. We're meeting at Samuel's house to talk."
"I really hope that goes all right, buddy."
"Me too. Even if I ain't exactly sure what I'm supposed to be hoping for here."
"You want Penny to like Samuel and Vivian, right?"
"Yeah. Of course I do. I mean, I know she will though. Cause who wouldn't like them?"
"There's a difference between liking somebody and being willing to let them adopt your baby."
"Yeah. There is."
"I know what you should hope for though, man."
"I figured you would. You can always think of somethin' when I can't."
"It's simple, buddy. You hope that you guys can listen to one another and that everything makes sense. Somehow or other, if you all take the time to listen to what everybody's got to say and you're as open about this as you need to be, the best answer has to fall into place."
"You've said you like him just fine, Daddy. But you don't seem like it sometimes."
"I'm sorry, Penny. I just want what's best for you, and I can't see how he's it."
"I wish you wouldn't judge him. It's not fair. You hardly even know Sodapop."
"But I know you're pregnant when you've only just graduated high school."
"That's not his fault, Daddy. I made the choice too. I told you that, and I knew exactly what I was doing. So please try to see all of this some other way. Sodapop's a beautiful person, and no matter how everything goes, he'll still be a man I love and the father of your grandchild."
"Just take a breath, little buddy."
Soda tried to heed Darry's advice, feeling his brother's hand on his shoulder. "I don't even know what's wrong with me, Dar. It ain't like anything bad is about to happen."
Darry kept his grip on Soda, able to feel the nervousness that radiated off of him. "No, but you and Penny are making a difficult decision here. And this has been something that's not easy for you to talk about. It's feeling a lot more real. That's all."
Soda bowed his head, holding it in his hands, as his thoughts spun, making his heart beat like a drum. "I need to go pick up Penny. She's waiting for me. And Samuel and Vivian are waiting for both of us. Cause we've gotta talk about all of this. We've gotta talk about our baby. We have to figure out what's going to happen and why. We have to-"
"Slow down, Pepsi Cola. You're working yourself up."
"But shouldn't I be workin' myself up, Darry? I've got a kid on the way. I'm going to be a dad, and Penny's going to be a mom. But we're not even keeping the baby. Samuel and Vivian might raise our child, and right now, I'm feelin' so damn selfish cause all I can think about is how I could still be part of the kid's life."
"You aren't selfish. Of course that's something you're thinking about."
"I go back and forth on this. Like I feel okay about it and then I don't. It's so confusing. Cause I get that Penny's tryin' to do the best thing, but part of me still has the toughest time accepting it."
Darry put his arm around Soda, drawing him closer. "That has to be normal, little buddy. Not just for you, but for anybody in this kind of situation."
Soda hid his face in Darry's shoulder. "It hurts, Dar. I can't imagine a better way for this to go, but thinking about sitting down to talk about Samuel and Vivian adopting our baby still hurts. It still feels like my heart is breaking into a bunch of little pieces."
"This is hard for me too, Sodapop. You're not the only one having a difficult time."
Soda drove the Chevy in the direction of Samuel and Vivian's house, Penny in the passenger seat beside him. "I know that, and I never said I was. It's just a lot to take in, you know? Cause this is really happening. It's different when it ain't only a plan anymore."
Penny reached out to Soda, putting a hand on his arm. "I understand, and I didn't mean that the way it came out, sweetheart. I only want you to know you aren't alone in anything you're feeling."
"It's not too late to change your mind, you know."
"I'm not going to change my mind. Neither of us is ready for a baby."
"But I still wish we could be. I can't help it."
"I know. We have to do this though, Sodapop. The baby has to be taken care of, and that means we have to figure out the best way to do that." Penny paused for a moment, a hand on her belly, as she pictured the growing baby inside. "It means we have to take this step."
"I'm just worried, Dad. That's all."
Nicholas unfolded the Scrabble board, setting it up between himself and Steve. "It sounds like they're just going to talk, Son. I don't think there's anything to worry about."
Steve started putting his letter tiles on their rack, eyes searching for possible combinations. "I know. It's not that I think something's going to happen. But Soda's in this place where he's really vulnerable, and all the emotion in this situation is a big deal for him."
"I'm sure he'll be okay, Steve. And if he needs to talk after, I bet he'll show up at our door."
"Oh. Um, hi, Samuel. This is my girlfriend, Penny."
Penny stood beside Soda, his introduction prompting her to hold a hand out to Samuel. "Hi. It's great to meet you."
Samuel shook Penny's hand. "Likewise. You two come on in, please." He ushered the couple inside, then gestured toward where Vivian sat in the living room. "Penny, this is my wife, Vivian."
Vivian waved to Penny, then motioned for her to come sit down. "Please make yourself at home."
Samuel moved toward the refrigerator and took out the pitcher of lemonade, as Penny joined Vivian in the living room. "I'll get everyone a drink before we talk."
Soda heard the clanging of glasses and the pouring of lemonade, as he watched Penny and Vivian begin to converse.
Samuel took two of the filled glasses over to his wife and Penny, then went to stand next to Soda, noticing how quiet he was. "Hey, Sodapop?"
Soda snapped out of the daze he'd fallen into, seeing Samuel's eyes on him. "Yeah?"
"Do you want to step outside for a few minutes, just the two of us? I think it'd be good to let Vivian and Penny talk a little bit anyway."
"Um, yeah. I think so. I do want to do that."
Samuel grabbed both remaining glasses of lemonade from the counter and led Soda out to the front porch, where they sat down on the rocking chairs. "You do remember what I said, right? Our friendship won't change, no matter what happens here or what you and Penny decide."
Soda nodded, his gaze falling to the wooden slats that made up the floor of the porch. "I remember. I couldn't forget that."
"So I know when I first asked you the other day about the possibility of Vivian and I adopting the baby, it was very unexpected for you, and you were just trying to cope with talking about this at all. But now that a little time has passed, and you've talked to Penny, what do you think about the idea?"
Soda rose up from his chair and went over to the porch railing, leaning forward on it, as he took in big gulps of fresh air.
Samuel went over to the younger man, leaning on the railing alongside him. "There's no pressure here, Sodapop. It's still just me."
Soda felt Samuel's hand on his back, as he turned his head to look at the preacher he'd been so open with before. "I like the idea cause I know ya'll would be great parents. And, like I said, me and Penny know you, so we'd get to know a lot about our child. Just that makes me feel better."
"Okay. So what else are you thinking then?"
"That it'd still be hard cause you're my friend, and ya'll adopting our baby would make you the parents. So I don't know how it all would work. I mean, I'd want to know the kid. I'd have to cause you're part of my life. But where would me and Penny fit?"
"You'd fit right where you already are. You'd still be my friend, and the same goes for Penny too. Vivian and I have no intention of keeping either of you out of this baby's life. If this happens, it'll be an open adoption. Yes, we'd be the parents, but you both can have a relationship with the child."
"What kind though? Cause, at first, wouldn't we have to, you know, back off and let you be the parents? So we can't get too attached or anything? I know that's what Penny's worried about too."
"Yes, I think we'd all need space and time at the beginning. We'd have to get used to the arrangement, but that doesn't doesn't mean we couldn't still communicate. And after that, you and Penny could visit if you want, and we'd see you at church, just like always."
"You sound like you've been thinking about this too."
"Of course I have because, like I said, it'd be an open adoption, and we'd want you to have a family relationship with the child."
"I'm still worried about that hurting a lot cause I wouldn't be the dad, and Penny wouldn't be the mom."
Samuel put his arm around Soda's shoulders, giving him a squeeze, as their eyes met. "I know, and that's something else we can all talk through and try to resolve. It's exactly what we're here for today."
"Aw, don't sweat it, Dad. You always knew I'd turn into a Scrabble champion."
Nicholas worked on adding up each of his word totals, as Steve figured his own. "I don't know about that, Son. I thought I'd always bethe reining king of Scrabble."
Steve couldn't stifle his laughter, the math forgotten for a moment. "Yeah, and who's your queen? Audrey?"
"Why, of course she's my queen."
"Last night, I told her you two have my blessing whenever you decide to get married."
"Thank you, Son. That means a lot to me."
"But you knew that already."
"Yeah, but that you would take the time to tell her, that means even more."
"So any proposal plans yet?"
"Not yet. I think it'll be a few more months."
Steve looked down at his paper, his eyes scanning over the numbers he'd written there in order to calculate the game score. "Maybe I'm getting ahead of everything, but I have a question, Dad."
"Okay. So ask it then."
"When you have a wedding, do I get to be your best man?"
"Jesus, Son. You are ahead of everything. But, yes, of course you will. There's no one else I could want by my side. That honor will always be yours."
"I really would like more time before we actually decide anything."
"Of course. Take all the time you need. We just wanted you both to be able to see what kind of home your child would have here with us."
"I hope you know how much we appreciate you and Sodapop sitting down and talking with us, Penny. That's a real blessing when you're trying to decide something that's so important."
"You two do seem like you'd make wonderful parents, and I'm so sorry about your little boy and your baby. I can't imagine how much you do want a child."
"Is there anything else you'd like to ask me or Vivian? I feel like we've covered everything about ourselves and what life is like around here."
Soda heard the voices conversing, Penny's hand in his own. I don't even know how to do this, he thought. How can we sit here and talk about this baby, our baby, like it's-
"Actually, there is. We did cover everything you said, but Sodapop and I have both been wondering what life would be life for us as birth parents."
Soda pulled his hand out of Penny's grip and slipped out the door, not even looking back to see the eyes that he knew would be watching him.
"You look stressed, Dar."
Darry sat on the porch swing, his gaze shifting from the street to Pony, who had just stepped outside. "I'm tryin' not to worry too much about our brother."
Pony sat down next to Darry, briefly glancing where his big brother had just been looking. "Why? Isn't he just at Steve's or something?"
"Or something. He's with Penny, talking about the baby."
"Oh. Um, I apologized to Soda the other night. For real. I meant it more than I've ever meant anything."
"I knew you two must be doing better than you had been. I saw you fell asleep beside each other last night. It was quite a sight."
"Yeah, and we were talking before that in a way we hadn't in a long time. I wasn't a jerk or anything either. I just listened to him."
"That's good, Pone. I'm proud of you."
"I think TwoBit helped me deal with all that anger a whole lot better than I have been, and I got some stuff out that's been there for way too long."
"I knew you must need that, or you wouldn't have been so hard on Soda lately."
"Yeah. It's pretty tuff how just being able to put it into the right words for somebody to hear made a difference. It's like saying it outloud undid the trap and released me."
"I knew you'd follow me out here."
Samuel joined Soda on the front porch, both of them standing where they had earlier. "Penny was going to, but I told her I wanted to talk to you."
Soda moved over to the steps, sitting down on the top one, as he tried to deny the tears that swam in his eyes. "I'm sorry for walking out in the middle of the conversation, but I just- I couldn't take it anymore."
Samuel took the spot beside Soda, his hand touching the other man's shoulder. "It's fine, Sodapop. I know all of this is overwhelming."
"It's still not you though. I promise it's not. But this is hurting me, and I'm havin' a hard time getting past it."
"You're here though, aren't you? You're involved in this decision, just like you should be. I can see how much it matters to you."
"This all makes me feel like I don't even got a right to be reacting like this. Penny's the one who's pregnant. She has it a lot harder, you know?"
"That doesn't mean you don't have a right to feel what's in your heart. She's pregnant, but it's not easy for either of you."
"It sure is something, ain't it? You lost your little boy and a baby, but Penny and me weren't even tryin' to have a kid. It just happened cause a damn condom-" Soda stopped, looking away from Samuel, as he backtracked. "I mean, what we used when we, you know, it didn't work."
"I understand what you're saying, Sodapop. And you didn't have to change it for me."
"Samuel, can I ask you something that's kind of, well, about God?"
"Of course you can."
"Did Penny and me do something bad? Is that why this hurts so much?"
"Are you asking me if God is punishing you because the two of you had sex?"
"Yeah. That's what I'm askin.' Cause it's a sin, right? For people who ain't married?"
"Yes, it is. That's not the way God wants these things to be. But it doesn't mean he's punishing you with the pain of not being able to keep the baby. Everyone sins, and he always forgives us for that. Jesus didn't die so we'd have to live under any kind of condemnation."
"It just seems like it fits though cause I'm the one that went to Penny and told her I wanted us to, you know, sleep together. We'd been waiting, so that wouldn't be all we would have, but I really wanted to, and she said she did too. Then, when she told me she was pregnant, I was so quick to picture a baby in my arms and see myself as a daddy. But Penny already knew she planned to give the child up for adoption. I only got that little moment to feel happy, before it was taken away. So it seems like maybe God wanted that to hurt cause it was my idea for us to be together."
"I don't think God ever wants us to hurt. He allows it, but he doesn't desire it. He loves us all too much for that. He's not punishing you with this hurt. It's just a result of living in this world, of being human, and of dealing with an unexpected pregnancy."
"I can't stand the thought of our baby bein' just anywhere. It doesn't seem right cause, no matter how this happened, we still created the kid. It's a life we made together."
"And a life that's a blessing, regardless of circumstances. If you and Penny let us adopt the baby, he or she won't be just anywhere. As hard as it might be at first, you guys can be part of the child's life. You don't have to watch from a distance or just hear how things are from us. The child can know you and even know something about who you are and what that means to his or her identity. You wouldn't be the parents, but you can still be there to nurture and celebrate the life you helped bring into the world."
"What do you think, Samuel? Do you think they might say yes?"
"I'm hoping so, honey. At this point, the only thing left to do is pray. But I want them to take their time about this because it's not a decision I could stand to see them need to reverse."
"I can't help it. I imagine my baby crying in the middle of the night and wonder if I'd somehow hear it."
Soda sat beside Penny in the Chevy that was parked in front of her house. "I can see how you'd think of that. But I think it's something you'd wonder, no matter where the baby is. Even if it were real far away, you'd feel like you want to go take care of it."
Penny felt Soda's hand slip into her own, her fingers becoming intertwined with his. "That's probably true. I also wonder about how I'll feel when the baby starts kicking, and I can truly tell there's a life inside me just waiting to come out."
"Do you think it's going to make you second-guess yourself?"
"It might, but I still won't change my mind. If anything, I'll end up being even more determined to make sure this child has the life he or she deserves."
"Hey, man. I thought I'd see you soon."
Soda stepped inside Steve's room and closed the door, his own voice buried beneath a knot of emotions.
Steve tucked the shirts he'd been folding into his dresser drawer, his eyes watching Soda. "So how'd everything go?"
Soda only stared at Steve, as he felt his guard begin to crumble, his mind clouded with the fog of apprehension and fear.
Steve closed the dresser drawer, then went to stand right in front of Soda, catching his gaze. "Are you all right? You look like a deer caught in headlights, man."
Soda shook his head, as an ache bloomed in his chest, his body enduring a chill with every out-of-control thought. "No. I- I'm not sure what's wrong, but..."
Steve heard Soda's voice trail off, as he also saw his hand go to his chest. "You're anxious as hell, buddy. Like you have been before."
"Yeah. I-I guess so. But nothin' even happened. We all- we just talked."
Steve put his hands on Soda's shoulders, steering his best friend toward the bed, as he felt the tremble in his body. "But it's still hard, man. And I'm bettin' you feel like you've gotta keep it together for Penny."
Soda sat down on the bed, feeling a blanket then wrap around his shoulders. "An anchor, Stevie? You- you think I need one?"
"Yeah. I'm sure you do."
"I swear nothin' real bad is happenin' in my head. It- It's not anything like that."
"I didn't think it was. It just looks like you're way past overwhelmed, and your body's reacting to all that stress."
"Yeah. I- I guess so. Cause Penny and me, we didn't decide anything yet, but- but we talked a lot with Samuel and- and Vivian. They would- they would make great parents."
"Yeah. Of course."
Soda pulled the blanket tighter around his body, feeling himself shake even more inside and out, his voice once again disappearing within a heart so caught up in processing the shades of logic and emotion.
Steve gently guided Soda to lie down, rubbing his back, as he stayed close to him. "Just relax right here, buddy. You've gotta let this pass before you can say too much. It's okay to wait it out."
"Sorry, Stevie. Wanted to talk, not do this."
"It's fine, man."
"My brain feels kind of fuzzy."
I'm sure it does. Like I said, you're overwhelmed."
"Wish there was something that could make me better, so this doesn't happen anymore."
"I really don't think it's anything bad though, buddy. It's like your mind has all this shit to figure out and cope with, so it kind of needs a break, before it can handle it."
"Don't ever tell me you can't be a counselor. Cause just listening to you say stuff like that makes me feel less anxious."
Steve put the back of his hand to Soda's forehead, then to his cheeks.
"Am I soundin' delirious or somethin'?"
"Nah. Just checkin' cause of how you ran that fever before when you were so stressed."
"Cause if I had a fever, you'd know to give me medicine to help."
"Yeah. That too."
"Samuel said God always forgives us, Stevie."
"Yeah. Of course he does."
"I want them to adopt the baby. Cause I know it'll be taught all the right things. About God, about life. I want Penny to say yes."
"Maybe she will. I'm sure meeting them makes a big difference."
Soda soaked in the fleece of the blanket that was still wrapped around him, it softness a cocoon that cradled him in its texture. He rested his cheek on the pillowcase, the material cool against his skin.
Steve could see Soda begin to relax, the physical effects dissipating with each passing moment. "See? You're getting through it."
I am, Soda thought, as the comfort surrounding him caused the anxiety to take flight, peace coming in to provide its resolution.
