Or are you just pleased to see me? V.02
Based on a criminal case and court appearance in Hereford, England. (text below) in which a sex offender got his jollies by placing a courgette (OK Americans, a zucchini) down his trousers and pretending to watching women that the bulge was something else. Full text from the Metro is at the end of the short.
American readers: think zucchini. And no, no American to British English needle going on: you use the Italian name, we nicked the French one. (1)
Sam Vimes glared at the arresting officers.
"Tell me again." he requested. "What exactly are we charging him with?
"Angua von Überwald sighed. This was going to be the tricky bit.
"To be honest, sir, at the moment, it's just general principles."
"Taking the piss out of the Watch. Stroking a courgette at you and grinning suggestively. Well, that's general breach of the peace. Let him stew in the cells for half a day them release him with a caution."
"The courgette was down his trousers at the time, sir. So the obvious assumption was that it was something else he was stroking. After all, a courgette is the last thing you'd think of."
Vimes digested this.
"So call it it indecent assault, then. If the intention was there and the people looking at it didn't realise it was a bloody vegetable, then it's indecent assault. Exposure. Lewd behaviour in public. And as it was you he was doing it to, add Being Bloody Stupid."
Vimes paused.
"You're vegetarian, aren't you, Angua?"
"Yes, sir. But luckily for him, I don't eat them raw."
"Carry on, Angua."
A man who thought he could lift his mood by standing in a town centre rubbing a courgette he put down his trousers has been jailed. Geoffrey Chambers, 66, made eye contact with women in Hereford as he stroked the gourd that was in his tight leggings. One of those women was the wife of a police officer, who called for back-up to arrest the serial pervert. When they arrested him, they searched his car where they found more courgettes. During his trial it also emerged that he had carried out similar offences in Swansea and Cardiff but had only received a warning. A witness who was out shopping with her teenage daughter said she was so disgusted by what she had seen that she felt sick so went home. Just two months earlier, Chambers had been released from prison where he was serving a sentence for two attempted child sex offences. In total he has 31 convictions for indecent exposure. He told police that performing the act would 'help him out of a low mood', his defence lawyer said, and he apologised for what he had done. Chambers claimed that it was meant to be a light-hearted joke and he did not mean to convey any sexual connotations. He was jailed for eight months for a public order offence and one count of outraging public decency. (Metro, 8th February 2021)
(1) Metro Daily 8/2/2021
