AN: This is a long one for how I normally post in this fandom. So to the bathroom, get a glass of water, maybe the eyeglasses you don't really need, but the doctor gave you a script for them (I'm not the only one with those right?)
There are a LOT of direct quotes from the book. I am relatively sure that everyone here owns a copy and has likely owned multiple copies over the span of their life. If not, the average is we've at least purchased enough copies of the book to cover the group reading this. Also how the hell did Scarlett understand half of what Rhett said? I need the cliff notes version explaining the history behind what Rhett was saying.
Happy Valentines Day. I know it's a greeting card holiday, but it's always good to remember to be kind to those you love and even strangers on the street.
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Chapter Thirty
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Her fury with Ashley had for the most part eased over the last month. She had been filled with rage that first month with the realization that she had been something similar to Belle to Ashley. He had been just like those other men who had courted her back home. She had been the prettiest, the most striking, the most engaging of the girls and he had led her to think it had been more.
He had loved Melly with everything he had left, which was a sadly pitiful amount. Scarlett saw now how she and Melly had dragged him through the last several years. She wanted to hate him because he was so weak that he had allowed Melly to attempt another pregnancy, but it would be like waking up tomorrow and being angry that the sun wasn't blue. It simply wasn't in Ashley's nature. He had never had a thought for himself and someone had dictated his life since his very life began.
She did remain furious that he continued to botch his seemingly simple job. The fact that she could understand it better with only a few years of school compared to Ashley who had gone off to university. Scarlett understood now why Melly was so insistent on the boys going to Harvard and not the University of Georgia. They apparently taught no useful skills at the college and only taught the boys that they were supposed to help become men to dream and unrealistic dreams at that.
Scarlett was fairly certain that she had obtained the basic skills he should be capable of at their local school, several years after him. If old Mrs. Whitmore could teach Suellen, Scarlett was fairly certain anyone was capable of learning basic math, aside from Ashley, it seemed. To think, he'd once wanted to work at a bank. It wasn't surprising the country was in such financial turmoil if they allowed men like Ashley to work in banks.
It was always such a relief when the books were back in order and the numbers once more clear and tidy in their columns. It had been several days since she'd been able to get his attention for longer than a few minutes at the mills. She'd had no choice, but to issue the edict for him to come to the house later when he'd been called away that morning and she couldn't remain waiting because of the baby. She'd even been so kind as to offer to hold dinner so he could join them, which he had thankfully refused.
After her annoyance passed from the books, it was easier to once more be kind. To tell him of how the children had spent the last night enacting Alice's Through the Looking-Glass for Nicholas and the family as they sat in the parlor. For obviously, according to Wade, his sister was telling it to Nicholas wrong and the next thing Scarlett knew the children were acting out the entire story. She was laughing telling Ashley of Wade and Beau playing Tweedledee and Tweedledum, so eerily similar to Stuart and Brent. There were tears in her eyes because of her laughter as she spied her husband in the doorway.
She had never been so foolish as to have a shut door with her and Ashley again, most of the family was only a few rooms away in the parlor as she and Ashley were in the sitting room so she could be at her desk as she adjusted the figures. They were doing nothing wrong, but the look in Rhett's eyes. Even worse, the fact that he didn't enter the room, but continued on past it. Her laughter quickly died and she adjusted the conversation so she could quickly bring Ashley back into the parlor to say goodnight to Beau.
o-o-o
"Rhett," it bothered Scarlett how hesitant her voice sounded as she called out to her husband as she entered his study. There had been something in his eyes as he had seen her with Ashley, something so defeated.
She had been so foolish and she once more hated Ashley so for all those years he had strung her along. All those years as Rhett had been by her side or off to the side watching, making sure to nearly always be there when she needed him.
It was time; she knew it was time. She had to tell him what she had realized the night that Melly died she loved him, her husband, she loved him. She'd likely have to say she were sorry and admit she was a fool for years, she imagined he'd enjoy that. It was time to put the past in the past and move forward.
"Yes, Scarlett?"
She took in decanter of brandy on the desk, the glass by his side appeared full, she took in his eyes, relatively sure he was still sober the last thing she wanted to do was face her husband while he was drunk. He was not a kind drunk when he was in a mood, certainly never when he was in a mood because of Ashley. She would have to address the issue of Ashley first to explain it wasn't her fault why she had to cater to the incompetent man. "I know you take offense to the fact that I keep Ashley on when he is clearly not capable of running the mill," there she had said it, she had finally said it aloud after nearly seven years, it was practically a relief to say it aloud to another person aside from accidentally ranting at Mammy.
"Why do you keep him on my dear?"
"Melly made me promise-"
"What exactly did you promise the dear Mrs. Wilkes?"
"I promised that I would look after Ashley and obviously take care of little Beau."
He laughed lightly; it sent a shiver down her spine. "I imagine this all happened as the great Melanie Wilkes lay dying."
"Well yes," she nodded.
He laughed again, "The first wife giving permission to the second wife. Why you waited for that day for nearly 13 years."
"What-no," she shook her head, "what do you mean?"
"I think my meaning's plain enough. With Melanie dead and you have far more than enough cause to divorce me. I am fairly certain even the old guard will be understanding. You don't have any true religion, why you could finally stop going to church."
"I don't want to divorce you, I love you, Rhett," she wasn't quite sure what had just happened. She had to stop it before it turned into the same thing after Ashley's party, the first time her husband had truly brought up divorce.
"Oh really, since when?"
"Why I imagine quite some time," she had tried to figure that out herself. There had been so many moments, especially before they fled Atlanta that she could have loved him had she ever given herself over to it. She had always held herself back though. She clung to the vague notion of Ashley for far too long, even after she realized she felt no passion for him. She clung to being the center of attention with her beaux once more.
"Fine my dear, when did you have the realization that you suddenly loved your spouse of nearly six years."
It was far worse to hear it phrased like that, this was certainly never how she expected to tell Rhett that she loved him or how he would respond. "The last thing Melly said to me was that you loved me."
"Did she really?" His face showed no emotion.
"Yes," Scarlett nodded and suddenly wished she was in one of her beautiful dresses. The dark red velvet dress, he had remarked last year that it was his favorite of her day dresses. He had courted her in her dark widow's garb, he had proposed while she wore a coarse black dress, it would have been nice to at least tell him she loved him while looking her best.
"What exactly did she say?"
"Well," she was thrown off by the question, by his entire line of questioning, "that I should be kind to you because you loved me so and Rhett-"
"I imagine she thought she was doing me a kindness to clue you into what the rest of Atlanta has seen for a decade."
"Rhett, I-"
His head shook slightly, "With Miss Melly gone, I imagine the reality of the unfortunate Mr. Wilkes would be too large a mouthful of Dead Sea fruit for even you to chew. Suddenly my charms before you new and attractive."
"They are hardly new Rhett," she spoke the words without thought. She had been surprised to see him directly outside of Melly's door, but not for what happened later. Not how he stayed by her side for the day it took to bring their baby into the world. He had never wavered in his loyalty and devotion after Bonnie.
"You did care for me in your own way. Eventually."
"Five and a half years and three children," she responded suddenly angry and confused. She was fairly certain she had been an exceptional wife for half of that, certainly far better than he deserved after he absconded with their daughter for three months and had slept with whores.
"Yes, you did see me in a new light after the entire town turned against you for your infatuation with Ashley."
"Or I missed you because I loved you." That bastard, she had loved him that morning after they created Nicholas, she had loved him. She had been sure of his love for her and she had loved him and he had disappeared and then destroyed it all.
"That hardly reconciles with what I recall."
"When? When I thought you were dead for over a day and you came home and told me you'd been with whores and wanted a divorce? Or when you returned after three months and told me our baby wasn't yours?"
"I suppose history is dependent upon who tells the story."
"My darling, I have been stupid and foolish," she didn't care about her pride any longer. There couldn't be a winner and loser when it came to two people in love. They would both be winners. They had been foolish and reckless, but that was in the past. She would only speak honestly now.
"My darling, don't be humble before me. I can't bear it. Leave us some dignity, some reticence to remember out of our marriage. Spare us this last."
She straightened up hearing his words. What did he mean by that? They were only at the beginning. "But I will tell you. I must have loved you for years. Well before Nicholas. I was such a fool. You must believe me."
He was still seated in his chair. In a chair that she had spent ages having made for him. It was on casters so he could easily move about his desk and his papers, but it wasn't like the ugly ones she saw in the offices around town. She had a library armchair finished in an emerald velvet and fought for ages to get casters put onto it, so he could be comfortable, while the chair was functional, she had even covered it in a fabric she was sure would make him think of her. He was seated as if this conversation didn't matter, as if her love didn't matter, as if their marriage didn't matter, there wasn't disbelief in his eyes, simply disinterest. "Oh. I believe you. But what of Ashley Wilkes?"
Damn that Melanie for making her promise to take care of Ashley. Her hands fluttered in the air, annoyed at having to waste any more time on the unfortunate Ashley Wilkes. "I don't believe I've cared for him for ages. It was a habit. I can't imagine I would have ever cared for him if I'd ever realized what he's truly like. Such a helpless, poor-spirited little creature. For all his prattle about truth and honor and-"
"No," said Rhett, appearing to take an interest in the conversation at last. "If you must see him as he really is, see him straight. He's only a gentleman caught in a world he doesn't belong in, trying to make a poor best of it by the rules of the world that's gone."
"Oh Rhett's let's not talk of him. What does he matter? I love you. Can't we just be glad-" Her words stopped, the ramble she had been about to embark upon stopped by the tired eyes of her husband meeting hers. They had been so tired for so long, so weary. She looked away as if she were a young, embarrassed girl and not been his for the better part of a decade. The woman who had lain with him in bed and bared her soul in the most primitive of ways. The woman who had borne his children. The woman he had cradled with his own body for the last child she brought into the world. She hated the desk between them. She hated the way his chair was tucked into his desk. Why if he just held out his arms, pushed back from the desk or even turned his chair. She could show him with her lips upon his, her hands upon him. She desperately wanted to feel the strength of his arms around her as she hadn't truly since Claire was only days old. He had stopped holding her. They were so rarely alone. Even in the moments she had fallen apart because of Bonnie there had always been a female around. He had always left her in the care of someone that wasn't him. She was suddenly fearful realizing how he had not touched her for months. He'd once only not left her because of Bonnie, were Nicholas and Claire not enough without Bonnie?
"Glad?" his words almost thoughtful. "Once I would have thanked God. But now it doesn't matter."
"Doesn't matter. Why of course it matters. Melly said-"
"Melly said that I love you?"
"Well yes."
"She was quite right, I did for a long time. I suppose it wore out. Mine wore out."
"Love can't wear out," she quickly retorted.
"Yours for Ashley did."
"But I never really loved Ashley!"
"You certainly gave a good imitation of it."
"I was in love with an idea. I didn't-"
"You didn't what?"
"I don't know!" She admitted. She could hardly understand why she had been so blind to the truth. Ashley had never made her feel like Rhett.
"Let me speak plainly. I stayed in Atlanta with the war approaching and upon us, so I would be there should you need me. Even before I would leave and try to forget you, but I always had to return. After I risked arrest just to return, to come back and find you. I would have killed Frank if others hadn't accomplished the task for me. I knew you didn't love me when you married me. I knew you loved Ashley, but I foolishly-" His eyes briefly closed. "I thought I could make you happy that I could protect you and make you happy. You had such a struggle. I wanted you to stop fighting and let me fight for you."
"I did," her voice was weak and she sank into a chair before him. A fear in her heart that it had all been too late. Too late just like Bonnie. It would all be a memory of what she should have done.
"Yes," his eyes closed again, "you did. After Bonnie. Bonnie was you as a little girl before the war and the poverty had done all those awful things to you. She was so willful, so brave and gay and full of high spirits and I could pet her and spoil her just as I wanted to pet you, but she loved me. She was such a blessing."
"I know," her words were weak. She was suddenly so aware of her behavior while carrying Bonnie. How sullen and angry she could turn that he had done such a thing as to get her with child. Their precious and beloved child that she had wanted to destroy. She recalled how hurt she had been by Rhett's sudden change in attention from her to their child. He hadn't ignored her though. He'd still sought out her company, he still spoiled her and bought her gifts and treats, insisted on her favorite foods being prepared. She'd simply no longer been the sole focus of his attention. She suddenly recalled Ashley's words from so long ago that she would want all of a man. She'd loved Rhett then, the realization of that cut deeply into her and made her want to curl inward. She had loved Rhett when Bonnie was newly born that was why it had hurt so much. She recalled the anguish a month later when she kicked him out of her bed. The misery of laying in their bed alone night after night. It was impossible not to cry when you were alone and tired and she had for so many nights, but she had been so blind and foolish and hurt.
"I tried everything."
"Why couldn't you just tell me?" Her voice caught and broke.
"Did I not as I kissed you before joining up? As I proposed? On the night we made Nicholas?"
She recalled that awful feeling when Rhett told her he was leaving her and joining up. That she wanted to throw up and die all in the same moment, the feeling so familiar to her since Bonnie. She had loved him then. The awful feeling returned. She had been so foolish and angry. What had she done? To herself, to him, to their family and their precious Bonnie, what life had she forced her child to lead. "You were always so nasty or sarcastic or cruel." She could feel her body start to shake.
"Well, I had to be my dear. You see vulnerability as a weakness. What would you have done? How would you have used my love against me?"
Her eyes closed in pain for she had once thought that. "What fools are we that we thought love a weakness?"
"My dear," he looked at her for the first time that evening shocked by the words that had emerged from her mouth, "where is the feigned indignity at having been accused of such a thing?"
"I can hardly admit I didn't think that while you were courting me. You certainly deserved to be put in your place for how you behaved."
He let out a short laugh, "There's that girl I remember."
"Darling, I-" she was about to promise she would make it up to him, but she couldn't undo those years, she couldn't make up for them because they didn't have Bonnie. "I'm not that girl anymore." That girl that had hurt him, had hurt a lot of people, but him worst of all. She understood it now, understood what she had done to him. She had behaved the same as he. She had never given an inch, so concerned with her pride that she had suffered and forced him to suffer as well.
"No, you're not. Are you? She had fire, she had conviction. Our marriage has broken her just the way it broke me and I'm tired Scarlett. It's best to leave what is broken, broken and remember it as it was."
"Rhett do you realize how foolish you sound? You know I'll never let you take the children and I have certainly not done-" She paused as her mind came to a realization her husband had never spoken. "You don't want the children. You mean to abandon them along with me."
"Bonnie and Nicholas were always his and her children." He could still walk away from Claire before he grew too attached, far too attached to the little girl who was already starting to resemble her mother even more than Bonnie, those pale eyes slowly being transformed into a shade of green he was sure would be Scarlett's mirror.
She shook her head trying to banish the awful thought, "Stop it Rhett. I know you love our children."
"Quite right. My love for them will never wear out, but I'm tired. You're only twenty-eight Scarlett, why I didn't even know your age until Nicholas. Perhaps when you are forty-five."
"When I am forty-five our children will barely be adults. Nicholas will be off at school; Claire will likely have a line of suitors. Even if I'm tired at forty-five I'll certainly not be able to walk away from our children."
He sighed, "For years you wanted me gone. All you wanted was your precious money. You'll have it my pet, all your precious money, for all your precious things."
"Wanting you gone from the room because you were being cruel is hardly the same thing as wanting a divorce." She would not let him go, even if it was what he wanted, she would do anything to keep him. Their children, his mother. His love for her hardly mattered as much as not having him at all. She would pack up the children and chase after him if need be.
He sighed.
"You love me," she spoke with determination, "when you held me when I was in labor with Claire. I know you loved me." Fear coursed through her that it had been his love and devotion to their baby that had caused his reaction and she had read it entirely wrong. He hadn't truly kissed her since before Bonnie, she had barely thought of it, it had been such an easy thing to overlook. Even if passion hadn't been forbidden because of her pregnancy and the frightful scare they'd had with Claire. The loss of Bonnie had stripped away so many other enjoyments and desires.
"Perhaps I did. Perhaps I was caught up in the moment," he pondered.
"No," she shook her head. "Before Bonnie, we were happy, you were happy."
"We had a good life; I'll certainly not disagree. I greatly appreciated the reformation you undertook in order to aid Nicholas' life."
"I joined committees and sewing circles for Nicky that had nothing to do with us. I know things haven't been perfect with us."
He let out a brief sardonic laugh.
"I know none of the children will ever replace Bonnie, but you're their father and they need you."
"I imagine the children will be fine-"
"I was just as proud of her," Scarlett suddenly blurted out, words that she had meant to say to him for nearly half a year. "Just as proud of her horsemanship as you. I saw the jump Rhett. I didn't think twice of it. She pestered me about it just as she did you. It was an accident there was no rational reason to think she would die from that jump any more than her jumping off the stairs or her bed. My horse threw me more than a few times, I jumped off rocks, from the hayloft, fell from a tree. I know I said horrible things when it happened. I was upset and I- I'm sorry." She had convinced herself that he had known she hadn't meant it. She had sent Wade back to riding with him but had never actually said the words. They had never left her mind for long, but she had never said them.
"Four-year old's don't jump."
"Her loss would hurt just as much if she were seven or twelve. It was an accident." She took him in again, she took in how the last five months had aged him so much, she could see the burden of it in every line and every gray hair. "I'm sorry that I left you to carry us all through after. That you had to baby me in order to protect Claire. It was so hard and it was so much easier to let you."
"On the list of your many sins that is not one of them. You hardly need to apologize for making me take care of a situation I created."
"You were not responsible for Bonnie's death."
"I bought the pony; I had the jumps built."
"I bought the dog when Wade wasn't much older than Bonnie, they're practically the same size."
He opened his mouth again.
She stopped him before he could speak again, "You're tired Rhett. I know you are. You're weary and I know I haven't been the best- I've said and done a lot of horrible things, but I promise you it's in the past."
"No more Scarlett."
It was so clear before her now. So clear the depth in which he'd loved her and the pain he'd suffered because of it and because of their foolish pride. They were so alike. How many times had he told her that? She was sorry for him in a way that wiped out her own grief. She stood ready to go to him, crawl over the desk if need be, "Ah darling-"
"No," he spoke simply. "No more. I am going away."
She shook her head.
"I am tired of shoddy imitation gentry and cheap emotions. I'm going to hunt in old towns and old countries where some of the old times must linger. I'm that sentimental. Atlanta's too raw for me, too new."
"Stop," she shook her head and pushed out of her seat. "You can go anywhere you want."
"I'm glad you've decided to accept this with dignity."
"Loving Ashley was the last time I was like Bonnie. It was the last time my world was good and the future was good. It was brilliant and beautiful and exciting. It became so horrible so quickly. My mother and Mammy telling me I was pregnant and then finding out Charles was dead. Suellen kept taking all of my beautiful dresses because I would never wear them again. I'd never dance again. I'd never be free again. I wasn't just a matron; I was a widow with a child. It was crushing, in a way I couldn't have imagined in my worst dreams. My life had been wonderful and then it was nothing. Every time it got better for a moment, it always got worse. I imagine that's why I clung to the idea of Ashley. I wanted what I had before the barbeque. I wanted to feel that way again."
"Now you-"
"No," she stopped him. "It's gone and it's been gone and I've always known that."
"Regardless of what you choose to do with your freedom-"
"I'll never be free and neither will you. When you told me you were enlisting, it felt just like it still does every moment I realize that I'll never see Bonnie again. When Bonnie was born and you were so enamored with her, I was so hurt and betrayed because of what you felt for her. I cried for the better part of the afternoon after I told you I wouldn't sleep with you anymore and countless nights after that. I was so happy the morning after we made Nicholas. Even after you were awful, I spent three months desperate for you to come home. That damned year you were so nasty that I didn't want to be in the room with you, it was full of things I desperately wanted to tell you and there were days I would spend ages trying to figure out how to bring something up."
"Your words Scarlett are far too late. They won't convince me to stay."
"I know," she nodded. "I know how tired you are my darling. I've watched this break you down for five months and I did nothing. You can be tired and you can be done. Your love isn't gone though. It might be depleted and nearly exhausted, it might feel as if there is nothing left. But there is, it'll come back."
"Scarlett do not hedge your bets on me one day returning and falling under your charm again. You'd best move on with your life."
"Don't worry my darling, I'll not wait here, wandering the halls in my dressing gown awaiting your return."
"Glad-"
"The children and I will go with you."
"I'll not be pursued like the luckless Ashley was pursued," he finally pushed his chair back and stood.
"It's hardly a pursuit Rhett," she said tilting her head up, "I'm your wife and they're your children and you're a wonderful father and they need you."
He'd had enough of this, he would leave, he would simply leave. "The children will likely fair much better without me-"
She stepped in front of him as he went to walk towards the door, wrapping her arms around him, her arms sliding in-between his coat and his vest. "I love you and I know it seems impossible, but you'll survive this."
"Enough of your theatrics Scarlett, remove yourself from my being."
She had missed the feel of him under her touch. Why had she held herself back after Claire? Why had they drifted away even before Claire? They had held their grief and their loss back instead of sharing it together. In their desperation to keep Claire safe they had shut everything away, all feelings and emotions. Love as well as loss.
She knew so little of his life. She knew the broad sweep of it; she knew the stories he wished to tell, but so much of what had made him the man he was today was unknown. She had done the same with so much. She understood Ashley's words far too well at the moment; he had been right so many years ago. The life she had lived with Rhett for the last few years, the life she thought was making her happy, the life she had thought was making him happy. That wasn't them. Polite chatter and courteous considerations. Life was entirely too short to simply exist within it.
They had been hiding just as she had wanted to do all those years ago after Frank. She had wanted to hide away at Tara because life kept burning her, sometimes literally. She had been so tired after two years of war with her husband, the polite marriage they had settled into after Nicky, a welcome balm after years of pain.
She still wanted to hide after Bonnie, but life was fleeting. One small misstep. An accident, an illness… She wanted all of Rhett. She wanted to know him as she knew herself. He was 45. A decade older than her mother had lived to be when typhoid swept through Tara. She had mocked his bout with dysentery during the war, but she was fairly certain it had killed more boys than bullets, it had likely at least made more of the boys easier to kill. He could be gone at any moment. No, she'd absolutely not let him out of her sight.
"Scarlett-"
"You feel far better than all the things Aunt Pauline put in my hands to keep me occupied."
"Do let go, Scarlett," his hands went to her arms, but their position made it difficult to get her to release him without being forceful.
"I did that far too often."
"You're embarrassing yourself." He let out a breath of relief as he finally managed to get her hands free of his person.
"My pride has hardly gotten me happiness."
"Enough of this Scarlett. I will leave in the morning; I'll go see Henry-"
"I can hardly have four children organized by the morning." She could get them packed and out of the house, but she'd hardly have any idea how to survive four children. Mammy certainly wouldn't go, Prissy likely wouldn't either. She could at least get Prissy to travel to the coast with them.
"Because you are not going, your home is in Atlanta or is it Tara? Although your love for Tara certainly became fleeting once you got this monstrosity."
"Likely because you're my home and monstrous does seem rather fitting at times."
He laughed, one of his mocking loud laughs. "Really, I'm your home?"
"Yes damn you, stop laughing about it. I'll hardly stand by and let you mock-"
"Oh I'm sorry my dear sweet wife. Forgive my finding some enjoyment after years of a marriage where my wife imagined I was someone else in her bed."
"It has been you Rhett and you know it."
"So tell me Scarlett. Did you just now decide that I am your home since it was my deep pockets that paid for this home? Are you looking to elevate your-"
"No, damn you. When we were leaving Melly's-" her eyes briefly closed in pain. She opened them to see the callous look in Rhett's own. "When we were leaving and you had your arm around me. It was just the same as when I'd want to run home to Tara. When I was in your arms, I knew I was safe and I'd survive."
The unspoken connection emerged in both of their minds. How often Scarlett had asked to be held after Bonnie died. They both thought it, but neither said it. The grief of those moments suddenly fresh in their minds.
She took him in again, in the harsh gas lighting of his study, it was hardly flattering, but he'd insisted on having the room well lit so he'd be able to easily be in the room no matter the time. It allowed her to see every line on his face, the gray starting to come in heavy at his temples, noted how even his skin was paler.
He had once reminded her of a pirate, his skin so dark it was as if he'd spend so much time on deck his skin had permanently taken on the color. He spent so much time indoors now, often locked away in this very room, his face was very nearly the shade of his body.
He was no longer that pirate. He was a sedate, respectable member of the upper class of Atlanta, who had seen far too much and felt far too much of life. Not long ago he could have taken on the world and had on more occasions than she cared to recall. He was worn down to the point even his color was wearing out. Tired. It was such a simple word, but it held so much within those few letters. There was no fight left within him, no hope. He had wanted to protect her, but after so long of needing protection from her when it had finally come time for him to do that it had drained him. Be kind to him. Melly had seen it. Seen what Rhett needed. Kindness. They had thrived in a tit for tat environment, but he couldn't. Not any longer. He was hardly like Ashley needing to be dragged along behind her, but he needed her to be able to walk beside him for as much as she imagined he had wanted to carry her through life, he was no longer in any condition to do so.
"I'm your home as well."
He scoffed. "Really Scarlett?"
"I might have been blind for a decade, but I'm hardly stupid. After your father kicked you out, you never stayed anywhere for long. How long have you ever been able to stay away from me? Half a year not including the war. You had to propose before you went away for the year to make sure I would be waiting for you when you returned. I believe your mother said you went five years without seeing her."
"Your power over me is done, my love has ceased, it's no longer a weakness you can use against me."
"No, it's not," she reflectively thought of her earlier silly beliefs. "It's a strength that's why I feel so much better when you hold me. I know we can survive anything together."
"I am fairly certain; you have finally taken to reading that romantic drivel my sister tends to favor."
She sighed for someone who seemed exhausted by the constant battle, he certainly seemed to be battling her quite well. "When do you want to leave?"
"You are not going with me."
"Either I go with you or I follow after you with the children. If you think it's a wise idea for me to truly travel for the first time with four children-"
"The wise idea would be for you to stay here."
"Then fine, I'm a fool and you should protect the children from their idiot mother that's at least what you spent a year telling everyone who would listen."
"Our marriage is over in all but name," he informed her concisely.
"We can have separate rooms."
"You forget Ella and Wade are in school, what type of mother abandons-"
"The DeVaughns have traveled everywhere with their children if they could accomplish it with seven, I'm quite certain we can accomplish it with four."
The loss of Bonnie hit him yet again. Months ago, Scarlett had teased him about the seven children they would have if they accomplished his suggestion of two or three more. He would do anything to take Bonnie on a steamer, to show her Europe. There would be no seven children, there would be no Bonnie.
She noticed what she said at once. She had found no comfort sitting with Maybelle or her aunts trying to discuss Bonnie. Only Rhett loved Bonnie as she did. Only Rhett ached for Bonnie as she did, likely more. "There's so much she'll never do."
"So very much."
"She did far more with you than she ever did with me. Maybe one day you could tell me more about your trips."
He didn't say anything.
She took a shaky breath. "We should leave before Christmas. I have been dreading having the staff decorate. Bonnie loved Christmas so very much. I thought Ella's birthday was bad until I realized Nicky's will be far worse."
Ella's intimate party had been awful. To see the small gaggle of girls that Rosemary had invited over. To see them engaging and playing in a way Bonnie never would. However, Nicholas' second birthday would be their first Christmas without Bonnie.
"I'll call upon the DeVaughn's tomorrow."
"Scarlett," he said remembering his goal of their conversation, "I-"
"You hate me or you're tired of me. Yes, Rhett I heard you. I still love you and more importantly, you love our children. Why you wouldn't make it longer than a week. I'm fairly certain you would dive off the boat while you could still see land if you could even get on it."
Her words suddenly broke his momentum, his belief that he could escape that he could do it that he could walk away from the children. How often did he have to look away from them and then how desperately did he seek their faces? Savor holding them close to him.
He knew at that moment that he couldn't walk away. He couldn't remove himself from the threat that they too one day could be gone before him. He could certainly not allow them to follow in Scarlett's path of jumping off of haylofts. He had to protect them in a way he hadn't thought to protect his dear sweet Bonnie. "We'll escort the family to Charleston and celebrate Christmas and Nicholas' birthday there and then depart."
She nodded in relief. "I'll start arranging everything tomorrow. I wonder if the DeVaughns' are still interested in the mills."
"I believe Percy is looking for more independence from his father-in-law. You can't think to sell-"
"We certainly can't keep them if we'll be gone for long. Do what you think is best with the mills and the store."
"You cannot mean-"
"As you were just saying earlier Rhett, we're rich."
"What of Wade's future?"
"What of it?" She regarded her husband with a perplexed look.
"They were to be Wade's-"
"Well I'd hardly force Wade to run the mill, look at how poorly that turned out with Ashley. I'm fairly certain he still plans on going to Harvard and becoming a lawyer anyway. Settle the businesses however you see fit. If I'm to organize the children and all of our belongings, find a tutor and nannies that will travel, settle the house and Tara, I am fairly certain you can handle the remaining businesses in town."
"I'll need to travel to New Orleans and ensure that Lawrence is settled for the foreseeable future."
"If he has a tutor that likes to travel, feel free to bring him."
"You would have-"
"You made the choices which parts of your life you would bring into our marriage. Five years went by before I met your mother and sister, I was in the same town as your ward and you never thought to introduce us."
"Amazing how different the story is depending on who tells it."
"Let's be done with that. Let's just have one story from now on."
He let out a light laugh, "One story?"
Her eyes closed briefly, they showed a vulnerability she nearly always kept hidden, "No more his and hers. As much as you ache for all of Bonnie that you lost, I ache for all of Bonnie that I never had."
He was silent for a moment. Aware of all of the words that he had just spoken of being done. It was just the same as it had been every day that he and Bonnie were in Charleston. How many times he had thought of putting them on a steamer and never looked back. Instead, he eventually put them on a train and went back. "It's not that easy."
"I imagine it's not, but we're both rather determined. I'm sure we can accomplish it or something close to it."
"I-" he paused not even sure what to say anymore. The fight suddenly gone from him yet again.
"I love you too, I know you didn't say it, but I didn't return it the times I should have." She paused for a moment, holding her gaze to his, hoping he would return the sentiment, he didn't. "Mine isn't tired or worn out or exhausted. So I imagine you should get used to hearing that because I rather like saying it."
"You may say or do whatever you wish, you certainly have the entire time I've known you."
She nodded, swallowing the bitter pill of his reaction. "I should nurse Claire before she interrupts supper again."
"I'll inform my mother of our plans. We'll tell the children once we get things organized."
"We can take Ramsey can't we. I imagine Wade will be crushed if he has to leave Beau and Ramsey."
"Wade would likely ride off on his dog we tried to leave him."
Scarlett let out a light laugh, "I'll see you at supper."
Thanks for reading!
