Class Act with the Gal Pals – Part One

(Story Summary: While Lincoln and Co. are looking through a list of electives to choose from for the Spring Semester, they come upon something known as W.T.F. 101. They later discover that it's a brand new multi-subject class run by Haiku's grandfather, where he plans to shed knowledge on some of the strangest yet deliciously morbid topics imaginable. What will our favorite friend group learn in this new class and will the school board decide to keep it, despite the strangeness of the instructor's teaching methods?)

As the scene opens, we find Lincoln and a few of his guy friends rushing down the sidewalk towards school. Not too far behind them; the school bus driver, Ernie, is seen talking with Flip. Apparently, when the bus was almost halfway up to the school grounds; the engine had suddenly broke down.

As a result, the students had no choice but to walk/run the rest of the way. Normally, this would be annoying to the students...but not this time. Like a pack of wild bulls being released from their pen; every Middle School student, young and old, hurried to the school as quickly as they could.

"Hurry up, you guys" Lincoln called out to his friends, "we'll miss out on everything, if we don't get to school on time!" Not too far behind, Clyde desperately tried to keep up with his friend's pace. But the aches in both his joints and his chest made the whole trek very difficult for him; forcing the young McBride boy to pop in his inhaler every now and again.

"Tell me again...why we're all...running like this" he said between inhales, "we could've just called for one of our folks to take us the rest of the way." While this idea seemed plausible, Lincoln quickly reminded Clyde of the fact it would take almost twenty minutes for any of their available family members to take them the rest of the way to school. "What's the point" Rusty grumbled, "everyone else will have already laid claim to the best stuff, by now!"

For a brief moment, the rest of the Guy Squad and some of their lady friends were inclined to also admit defeat. That is, until Stella drew out a water bottle from her backpack and doused everyone in one quick blast. "That's quitter talk, you guys" she said firmly, "we've already come this far and with any luck, there will still be plenty of classes available to choose from!"

Not only after she said this, Stella made an attempt to rouse everyone into getting back on their feet and running again. But the aching sensation they've felt in their legs seemed to take all the fire out of everyone. Realizing there was little else they could do at the moment, everybody decided to take a quick breather and gather their strength back.

"You guys are probably wondering why we're running like a bunch of marathoners, right" Lincoln asked the "viewer" breathlessly, "well...the Spring Semester is starting at school and that means everyone will be picking a new elective class to take part in for the rest of the year." From here, he explains all the different subjects that students at his school have been eagerly waiting to sign up for. These ranged from Culinary Arts, Robotics, Language Classes (such as Spanish,) Writing Workshops and even Archery.

"Pretty cool selection, huh" he chuckled, "unfortunately...it's first come, first serve and if you don't get to school on time; all the best options will be filled." The instant this idea popped into mind, Lincoln turned to his friends and asked if they got their second wind yet. But before any of his guy or girl friends could make a reply, they soon found themselves trampled by dozens of feet.

"Don't hog the sidewalk, runts" screamed an 8th Grader named Taylor, "if we miss out on getting to sign ups, you and your friends are dead!" Not long after this, Mordecai (a.k.a. Mohawk Kid) slowly slashed his finger along his throat in a threatening gesture. But Lincoln and the others were far too dazed from their trampling to even notice.

"Ugh...this is the worst way to start off a morning" Kat grumbled, "what else could make this any better?" Not long after she had said this, Flip soon approached the group; claiming he had some good news...and some bad news to share. "The good news is I managed to get your bus all fixed up; so, you kiddos can head on off to school again" he stated, "the bad news...the repairs cost a pretty penny and your bus driver didn't have enough on hand to pay."

As if they were "expecting" the shyster to say this, several of the kids begrudgingly reached into their pockets and offered up a fraction of their money to help pay him for repairing the bus. "Are you serious" cried Jordan in outrage, "we need that money for lunch at school!" In response to this, Flip proclaimed that everyone should've talked their parents into packing them all bagged lunches instead.

In spite of however poor the repairman's argument was, none of the kids had it much in them to argue any further. Thus, they each had no choice but to hand over their "fair share" of the money. "Well...look on the bright side" Clyde murmured, "at least we won't have to run the rest of the way to school."

(Line Break)

Sometime later, down at the Middle School; Lincoln and his friends spent almost half of lunch period looking for any elective class that wasn't full to capacity. But just as they'd feared, half of the class choices were already listed as "Unavailable." "I knew we should've called for our families to drive us the rest of the way" grumbled Kat, "now, half of the good choices have already been filled up!"

Although he felt inclined to agree with her, Lincoln wasn't willing to give up so quickly. Thus, he took the booklet in his hand and started skimming through every list for the seventh time. "Let's see...what about Dance Appreciation" he suggested, "it sounds fun and it'll be a great way for us to exercise."

Straightaway, both Clyde and Cristina shot down the idea; revealing that it was both of theirs first choice of elective ideas. "Turns out, Paula took the last open spot in the class" the young redhead murmured unhappily, "which leads me to wonder...how would a kid who wears a leg cast and uses crutches be allowed in a class called Dance Appreciation?"

In response to this, Stella revealed that while Paula still required the cast; sometime after her failure to land a role in the school play, her parents decided to spring in for a wheelchair for her to use. "That still doesn't explain how she plans to dance in said wheelchair" murmured Clyde, "wouldn't wheeling around make the whole experience rather awkward?" As if on cue; out in the hall, a 7th Grader was spotted doing some sort of Flamenco dance.

Not long after this, a whirling sound was heard and Paula soon arrived beside him; sporting a stunning Flamenco dress. She also had some lovely blue eye shadow and had a rose gently clenched betwixt her smiling teeth. As she elegantly spun away on her chair with her "dance partner," the Gals and Guys stared with looks of utter shock on their faces.

"Well, I guess that explains that" Rusty murmured, "but now what are we supposed to do?" Once again, everyone desperately looked through the lists of available electives only to find...half of them were full to capacity. Those that were available were things that only half of them would enjoy; like Shop Class or Robotics.

About midway through their search, everyone's stomachs suddenly growled in unison with hunger. "I can't believe that Flip" grumbled Phoebe, "thanks to him, I barely had enough to pay for my grilled cheese...and I could only afford one slice!" After doing his best to ignore his own stomach grumbling, Lincoln made a mental note to inform his godmothers about what happened.

Until then, he and his friends had no choice but to continue their near fruitless search for a class they could join together. "There's gotta be something left here" Cristina murmured, "something that all of us would find interesting enough to be part of!" Just then, much to everyone's surprise; Haiku suddenly appeared at the right end side of their table.

As per usual, the sudden appearance of their Goth friend always resulted in Lincoln and Co. yelping or falling over in surprise. This time, it was more like half and half (with one or two people accidentally falling atop of Lincoln.) Once everyone had recovered seconds later, they greeted Haiku in the most casual way possible.

"Greetings, everyone; I couldn't help but overhear your dilemma" she murmured softly, "there is one on the list that from what I've been told has...just a little bit of everything in it." As expected, everyone questioned Haiku on who it was that told her this knowledge; to which she responded with "it says so right under the class' name, right at the bottom of the page." With this statement, Haiku picked up her own booklet and pointed to the spot in question; a class simply known as W.T.F. 101.

"Okay...something about that name sounds weird to me" murmured Kat uneasily, "but according to this; the class teaches everything from Science, Biology, History even Art." Everyone murmured softly amongst themselves with excitement, intrigued that one class could or would be able to teach so much. "I say we give it a shot" Clyde stated, "I'm curious to see just how much this case could teach at one time."

While the rest of the group shared in his enthusiasm, there were some who questioned the validity of the class' description while the rest still felt concerned by its name. In the end, they all decided to go along with Clyde's choice; saying that if things didn't turn out well in the future, they could try and convince Principal Ramirez to switch them to a different class.

"I dunno, guys; one of the few classes that's available is sewing" Rusty revealed, "do we really want to spend an hour crocheting pillows or scarves." Unsurprisingly, aside from some of the ladies; the only other one to raise their hand was Clyde.

(Line Break)

After lunch ended and everyone had finished Gym, sometime after that; everyone arrived at the W.T.F. 101 classroom at the northern edge of the school. When they opened the door, the group was met with a shocking surprise. Not only was Biff and his cronies sitting in attendance but so was the trio of 8th grade punks from before; Taylor, Anderson and Pablo.

"Well, well, well; look who made it to class on time" Vicky chuckled snidely, "from the way you twerps were sweating this morning, we all figured you'd pass out on the front steps!" This comment not only caused Biff and Mordecai to laugh but Taylor and her friends joined as well. But rather than let it bother him, Lincoln decided to take his seat and sit quietly.

The others meanwhile, felt rather annoyed by their jeers and one of them (specifically Zach) questioned why they were all in the class to begin with. "It's a multi-subject class, ain't it" replied Anderson, "so...who knows if one of the subject will involve something fun, like Free Period?!" The bully group couldn't help but chuckle merrily at the idea.

For them, the idea of getting a good grade for doing zero work seemed like a dream come true. But for the Gals and Guys, they knew better and vowed to keep their focus; no matter what kind of distractions are sent their way. "So, like...where's the teacher anyway" murmured Taylor, "the late bell's about to ring and they're the only ones not present."

Against his better judgment, Lincoln couldn't help but agree with the 8th Grader. It was a rare thing for a teacher to be late for class; unless, of course something might've happened to them. Then, at that moment; the door suddenly burst open, scaring the students.

After they had all calmed down, everyone looked towards the door and found the cause of the disturbance. At the doorway was a man dressed in a brown suit with long, shaggy black hair that had faint traces of grey streaks. While no one else seemed to recognize him; the Gals and Guys, on the other hand had a pretty good idea (especially Haiku.)

Finally, the mystery figure gave a soft grunt and finally entered the room. It was here that the class could see the supposed teacher wheeling in a tray rack, which seemed to contain several food platters covered beneath steel domes. When the rack had finally reached the middle of the room, the man dusted himself off a little and sighed with relief.

"So sorry for being late, class" the man murmured, "I had a doozy of a time trying to wheel this all the way here." After saying this, he turned to face the class; revealing his face to all. Lincoln and a collection of his friends gasped in shock, upon seeing him.

But Haiku, on the other hand, chose to squeal with delight and race into the man's arms for a big hug; surprising almost everybody. "Da, it's so great to see you" the wee Goth girl murmured with joy, "I can't believe you're the one who'll be teaching this class!" Mere seconds after this statement, Lincoln and the rest of his friends declared they were just as surprised as Haiku was.

"What about your other profession, Mister" questioned Liam, "ain't ya gonna miss workin' at the Faire with your wife?" As if expecting this, the man chuckled heartily at the boy's words and assured him he had nothing to worry about. "Me, my wife and the rest of our troupe only perform at the Faire during the summer" he explained, "afterwards, we go back into our 'normal' careers."

No sooner had he said this, Pablo let out a laugh and questioned what the man's idea of "normal" was; career-wise. "If you must know, young man; my wife has a stable position working alongside Mrs. Bernardo and my son at the local dinner theater" he explained, "you may have seen him driving my Haiku and her Morticians Club friends around from time to time." With this reveal, everyone suddenly got an idea of whom their teacher was referring to.

From his olde school dark purple funeral clothes, matching hat and the fact that his hair covered up one side of his face; it was now clear that the "hearse" driver really was Haiku's father. At the same time, no one realized he worked for the local dinner theater; not even Lincoln. "As I said; when we're not at the faire, my family and I spend our days with other work" the teacher explained, "in my case, that work is teaching."

In response to this, Biff raised his hand and proclaimed he had never seen the likes of him working at the school. "That's because this is my first day here" the teacher replied, "before today, I did most of my teaching down at the community college." After this, he realized that things were getting off-track and quickly got back to business.

"Let me start things off by introducing myself" he said while approaching the marker board, "for those of you who don't know me, my name is Mr. Gareth Matthews and I'm Miss Haiku's grandfather." Mere seconds after this, several students could be heard snickering under their breath; as if finding the name "Gareth" silly. But surprisingly, Mr. Matthews didn't seem to mind; telling his class that he was aware of how odd his first name might've sounded.

"Moving on, my name is Mr. Matthews" he said with a smile, "and I'd like to welcome you all to W.T.F. 101." Once again, Lincoln and some of his friends softly winced at the class' apparent name; as if finding it weird and/or possibly offensive. "I know what you kids must be thinking and the answer is no" Mr. Matthews said firmly, "the initials on the board do not mean what you think it means."

With this in mind, he approached the board and started writing three words beside "W.T.F." initials. In the end, Mr. Matthews introduced everyone to the real name of his class; "Weird yet True Facts 101." "You children may have your own individual classes in science, history, biology and so on" Mr. Matthews explained, "but in this class, I will take them all to the next level!"

From here; he revealed that his class promises to show the students some of the oddest, strangest and most bizarre factoids that aren't typically mentioned within the regular classes. Admittedly, many of the students felt rather intrigued by their new teacher's claims. But in the case of Lincoln and some of his friends, they couldn't help but feel just a little...skeptical.

Just then, the room suddenly echoed with the chorus of belly growls and grumbles. It didn't take long for everyone to realize where it was all coming from. At the same time, some of the Guys and Gals found themselves feeling rather self-conscious.

"Sounds as though a few of you might be hungry still" Mr. Matthews chuckled, "lucky for you, I've come prepared for this." With that, he started wheeling the tray rack around the classroom; handing platters to each of the students. "Sweet, we get to eat in class" exclaimed an 8th Grader named Anderson, "this class just got a bit cooler!"

The rest of the class couldn't help but agree, especially the Gal Pals and Guy Squad members; who bitterly remembered barely being able to afford lunches (no thanks to Flip.) Once the last of the platters were handed out, Mr. Matthews asked everyone to remove the domes. At first, the children were expecting to see something tasty; like pizza or the cafeteria's Mystery Spaghetti.

Instead; each of them were stunned to discover platters full of things like twine, ball bearings, pieces of rubber, asbestos, gold pellets and Vicky swore that her platter came with a sugar dish filled with coal powder. "What the...WHAT IS ALL THIS" Biff cried out in disgust, "YOU SAID THIS WAS FOOD!" The rest of the students found themselves also shouting out in dismay, all except for Haiku; who appeared relatively indifferent about it all.

"I can assure you, children; this is food" Mr. Matthews calmly insisted, "at least...it was considered food to the eyes of our first subject today." With that, he made his way over to the board and pulled down the projection screen. Next, he made his way over to the slide projector; which had several boxes of slides already sitting beside it.

"Aw, jeez...a slide show" grumbled Taylor, "I should've brought a sleep mask with me this morning." Rather than call out the student on her comment, Mr. Matthews loaded up a series of slides and asked for someone to turn off the lights. "For today's class, we'll be discussing three different instances involving medical research" he explained, "and how three different men in history chose to subject their bodies to risky experimentation."

Following this, Mr. Matthews brought up the first of his series of slides; which featured an image of a 1920's photograph of a man. Beneath the photo, everyone could see the name Frederick Hoelzel; which they assumed was the man's name. "This man, as you can already tell, is Frederick Hoelzel" Mr. Matthews explained, "and all the items on each of your platters are things that he actually ate on a regular basis."

To say that the students felt horrified by this reveal would be a gross understatement (no pun intended.) But deep down, Lincoln couldn't help but think it didn't seem too bizarre; considering all the odd things he'd seen his sister, Lana eat. "With all due respect, Sir...WHY" cried Kat, "why in the name of creation would anyone want to eat this kind of stuff?!"

With a sly smile on his lips, Mr. Matthews replied in saying that Frederick was a physiologist; which was a person who studied the functions and mechanisms of living systems like the human body. "Hoelzel was known to fast himself for forty-one days straight" he stated, "and when he did choose to eat, he preferred to ingest items that were relatively indigestible." In addition to this, Mr. Matthews said that Hoelzel didn't want to risk gaining too much weight.

Therefore, he thought that eating certain items like those on the children's platters would help satiate his need for food. "But Sir...none of this stuff is even edible" Lincoln interjected while raising his hand, "how was he able to swallow it, let alone digest it?!" In response to this, Mr. Matthews brought up the next slide; which showed the title page of a book entitled "A Devotion to Nutrition;" which was a book Hoelzel documented all his research in.

"According to one part of his research, he discovered it would take fifty-two hours for gravel to travel through and exit the digestive track" he explained, "and it would take eighty hours things like pieces of silver or ball bearings to do so as well." In that moment, the class couldn't tell what freaked them all out the most; the fact that a man would choose to eat random objects or the idea of how long it would all be inside him. "I would ask why anyone would want to know that, Sir" Lincoln murmured, "but if my sister were here, she'd probably it was 'all in the name of science.'"

After taking a moment to chuckle at his student's impression, Mr. Matthews declared that his assumption was correct. "Despite however odd his methods were, Frederick did actually help advance the understanding of human knowledge and was perfectly willing to sacrifice his own body to do so!" In response to this, not only did several students proclaimed they'd never get involved in such "studies."

But they swore that if they were all trapped in a cellar for several years in a snowstorm with nothing to eat but the items on their platters, they'd sooner eat themselves first. "Understandable, children; perfectly understandable" Mr. Matthews stated, "but when it comes to 'staying trim and healthy,' most people would do anything for it." Not long after this, he brought up another slide on the screen; which showed parts of his hip bones and intestines.

Surprisingly, these images showed small traces of the objects Fredrick at but the intestines appeared relatively fine. "If I may rewind a little" murmured Mr. Matthews while mimicking the sounds of rewinding audio tape, "these experiments were inspired due to an odd case of gastrointestinal issues he suffered from since he was...well, about as young as some of you children here." Upon hearing the word "gas" in the medical term, most of the class immediately started making fart noises with their mouths.

Of course, this all stopped; when Mr. Matthews slapped a ruler upon the projection screen. This in turn caused it to roll upward, startling the classroom. "I know that what I've just said may seem 'amusing' to you, children" he said firmly, "but...gastrointestinal issues of any kind are no laughing matter."

After this, Mr. Matthews explained that Fredrick was the first to deduce that eating too much "normal food" instantly led to stomach issues. "So, like...you're saying that eating all that random stuff was no problem for him but eating regular food is where this Fredrick guy drew the line" Mordecai muttered, "sounds like a real weirdee." Much to the class' surprise, Mr. Matthews seemed to agree with the young man.

But then, he told them that there were others with far more bizarre habits and discoveries in history. "For our next example, I want to ask you all something" questioned Mr. Matthews, "is anyone here familiar with Cocaine, by chance?" As expected, several of the students murmured softly in both confusion and mild offense.

"No disrespect meant, Sir...but Cocaine is a drug, isn't it" questioned Clyde, "nobody here has ever touched the stuff." Several students sounded off in agreement with him, save for Mordecai and Anderson; who claimed they knew some neighbors who tried the stuff. "You are quite correct with your concerns, Mr. McBride" Mr. Matthews stated, "but two scientists were determined to show that it could be used as a form of Anesthetic."

After bringing the projection screen back down, he showed a slide featuring two mustachioed gentlemen. "The year was 1898" Mr. Matthews began, "and in a German laboratory; these men, August Bier and his associate Augustus Hildebrandt, were conducting experiments on a new form of medical anesthesia...Cocainization." Many students found the term rather confusing and questioned how this "Cocainization" worked.

"To get to the point of it, Bier would inject 15 milligrams of Cocaine directly into the spinal column" Mr. Matthews explained, "Augustus served as the 'test subject' for the experiment since...he made a small mistake while trying to inject himself." When the next slide appeared, it showed an image of what was possibly Bier's upper back. It was here that everyone saw what looked like an oozing sore on the aforementioned area.

"Dude...what the heck" Taylor shrieked, "did this guy pop a zit on his back or something?" In response to this, Mr. Matthews shook his head and revealed that the sore was the result of a failed self-injection attempt. "After this attempt proved to be...well, a pain in the neck" he chuckled, "Bier called upon Hildebrandt's assistance for further experiments."

Against their better judgment, the students asked what the man did to Mr. Hildebrandt during their tests. "To start with, Bier had a more successful injection of the cocaine" he explained, "as a result, Hildebrandt was then numb from the waist down." In that moment, Lincoln soon found himself at a crossroads.

On the one hand, he wanted to accept the information at face value and believe the experiments were "successful." But on the other hand, his overall curiosity got the better of him and Lincoln asked what else was done; after Hildebrandt went numb. "Like most scientists, Bier wanted to make 100% certain the anesthetic experiment was successful" Mr. Matthews explained, "he did things like kick Hildebrandt in the legs, strike them with heavy objects, pluck out hairs...even went as far as burn the skin and strike his groin."

There was a mix of both sounds of pain and mild chuckles from the students, after hearing all this; a few of the latter even wondered if these experiments would make them numb to wedgies. "Eventually, the numbness effect did wear out; forty-five minutes later, to be precise" Mr. Matthews stated, "afterwards, Bier was bedridden with a headache for two weeks while Hildebrandt spent a month recovering from the experiment." In addition to this, Mr. Matthews revealed that Hildebrandt suffered from both headaches and severe bruising on his legs.

"These two wouldn't be the last individuals to perform anesthetic experiments, of course" he added, "in the years that followed, medical professionals had used their research to make such injections prove more effective...and less painful." After taking a moment to let all this process; Lincoln made a mental note to run for the hills, if Lisa ever tried to talk him into any such experiments.

(Tuesday Afternoon)

The next day at school, Lincoln and his friends were all at their table; chatting idly. Of course, much of their conversation revolved around everything they learned from Mr. Matthews' class yesterday. "I've heard some strange things in life, fellers and lady fellers...even the sounds of my animals havin' babies" he muttered, "but what we learned yesterday was...I dunno what to call it."

The rest of the group murmured in agreement, some of them even went as far as to say they had some slight difficulty sleeping during the night. "I mean...I could handle the stuff about the guy eating marbles, asbestos and stuff" Zach murmured, "but when Mr. Matthews started talking about the third guy, I almost passed out."

Haiku couldn't help but chuckle at this, proclaiming what her friend said as "her favorite part of the lesson." "I can't believe Stubbins Firth went as far as to actually drink fluids infected with Yellow Fever bacteria" she said with a light smile, "and he still came out fit as a fiddle." It took everything in the friend group's power to not Ralph on the table and their trays, after hearing this info a second time.

"That's some really twisted stuff" murmured Lincoln, "hopefully, today's lesson won't seem so gross." While everyone at the table felt just as hopeful as their friend; after remembering what their class' name was, something in their bones told them that they would be in for a huge surprise (and not in a good way.)

(Line Break)

Gym class came and went a bit more smoothly, thanks in part to everyone actually having a full course meal at lunchtime. Afterwards, everyone went off to the W.T.F. 101 classroom to find Mr. Matthews fully dressed in a judge's outfit; complete with gavel and vintage judge wig. While some, like the Gal Pals, found this look to be quite interesting; the bully groups simply laughed at their teacher mockingly.

But much to their surprise, Mr. Matthews didn't even bat an eye at this behavior. He simply smiled, acknowledged the fact that he may look "silly" to some and revealed that his look was all part of his lesson on justice. "Today, I'm going to share with you some history on three of the strangest 'court cases' ever" said Mr. Matthews, "to show you all how unjust justice can be at times."

With that said; he marched over to his desk and, like every other judge in popular media, he slammed his gavel slightly on the surface. Then, after telling everyone to take their seats; he revealed a small item under a cloth on his desk. "What's under the sheet, Mr. M" asked Jordan, "is it part of today's lesson?"

After commending the young lady for her astute observation, Mr. Matthews pulled off the cloth to reveal a small statuette. "For the first part of today's lesson, can anyone tell me what this is" he asked, "take a moment to look at it and then, pass it on to the person next to you." With that said, Mr. Matthews handed the item to Anderson and asked him to carefully study it.

But much to his mild disappointment, some of the students only offered the same reply; "it's just a statue." But when Stella got a look at the item, she deduced that it was actually a statue of an athlete; a boxer, to be precise. "Very good Miss Zhau" Mr. Matthews said with pride, "this was a statue made in honor of Theagenes of Thasos, who was a famous Olympian athlete of Ancient Greece."

With this reveal, Biff suddenly presumed that their lesson was going to involve the Olympics. But then, other students questioned what Theagenes did that would lead to a court case. "Oh heavens no, young man" Mr. Matthews chuckled, "Theagenes wasn't being put on trial...it was his statue!" Once everyone had recovered from their shock/surprise (as well as climb back into their seats after falling over themselves,) they questioned how an object could be accused of a crime.

"Unfortunately, there's little actual written evidence behind this event" Mr. Matthews stated, "but one story suggests that a rival of Theagenes' scourged or assaulted the statue late one night out of jealousy." Surprisingly, every student agreed that athletes attacking statues seemed relatively common; particularly between college rivals. But they still questioned what the statue did wrong and how a court could put it on trial.

"One night, while this jealous man was assaulting Theagenes' statue; it fell over and crushed him" Mr. Matthews stated, "after it was found guilty, the statue was then thrown into the sea...until the famed Oracle of Delphi bid the people to recover it; claiming that the country would 'remain in a period of barrenness until the statue was restored.'" Despite however true their teacher's words were, the class couldn't help but laugh ironically. "Putting a statue on trial...unbelievable" Kat chuckled, "what's next, toys or animals?"

Upon mentioning the latter example, Mr. Matthews gave her a sly grin and proclaimed she wasn't too far off. Then, he brought down the projection screen and brought out another collection of slides to share. "Take a good look at this first image, children" he said while pressing the button, "for several centuries, there had been cases where animals were called to trial either as a witness or the accused."

Upon showing the first slide, everyone saw an old illustration featuring a sow and her piglets at the witness stand. According to Mr. Matthews, there was a trial in the year 1457 where the pig family was accused of murdering a child. "The mother was found guilty, in the end" he stated, "but each of her piglets was acquitted of their supposed crimes."

At first, not one of the students seemed to believe their teacher's lecture. But he told them that the sow and piglet trial was but one of several odd court cases in history. "Many other animals were put on trial, as the centuries passed" Mr. Matthews stated, "including cats, chickens, livestock such as bulls and horses...even insects."

To say that the class was both shocked yet oddly fascinated by all this would not do the situation proper justice. At the same time; Liam swore that if anyone tried to put his beloved pig, Virginia into a courtroom...he'd fight them off tooth and nail. "Yes, these were some strange moments in history" Mr. Matthews chuckled, "but perhaps, one of the strangest ones to exist yet took place in Rome in the year 897."

Soon after mentioning this, he brought up another slide; one featuring what many students deduced was a Pope. "This man is Pope Stephen VI" explained Mr. Matthews, "and he is the organizer, prosecutor and judge of an utter charade of a trial; the Cadaver Synod." Upon hearing the word "cadaver," Haiku's "Goth Senses" started to tingle and she giggled softly with excitement.

Meanwhile, everyone else questioned what the trial was about; to which Mr. Matthews replied in saying that the previous pope, Pope Formosus, had been accused of committing several crimes against the church. "Excuse me, Sir...but I think your information might be off" Clyde said politely, "aren't new popes usually chosen after the previous one...er, passes on?" Instead of Mr Matthews himself answering the question, Haiku suddenly raised her hand; urging her grandfather to let her share the big reveal.

"What I'm about to say, everyone may seem unbelievable...but it is the absolute truth" the young Goth stated, "as it turns out, Pope Formosus had been dead...for seven months; long before the events of the trial were even conceived." With this reveal, half the classroom erupted with loud outcries of terror while the other half simply shouted in disbelief. It was here that Mr. Matthews brought up a new slide; one that showed the very corpse of Formosus dressed in his ceremonial robes.

Naturally, most of the students cried out in alarm at this sight...all but one, that is. As Haiku stared at the image of the pope's corpse with morbid fascination, which seemed typical; given her Goth persona. After giving the students a few seconds to process everything, Mr. Matthews continued with his lesson.

"This trial, known as the 'Cadaver Synod' (otherwise known as 'the Cadaver Trial') ushered in one of the most corrupt eras in the history of the Papacy" he explained, "known to all as...and I'm being quite serious here, the 'Pornocracy.'" Much like in the past, this reveal garnered a mixed response from the students. Some of the female students found the term "Pornocracy" offensive; while Pablo, Anderson, Mordecai and even Rusty all thought it sounded "hot."

"I know what you all must be thinking...but no" Mr. Matthews said with a raised eyebrow, "the term does not mean what you think it means." With that, he approached the board and wrote the term "Pornocracy" with a marker. Afterwards, he jotted down its definition alongside it; which read "a government ruled by prostitutes or by corrupt officials (who metaphorically "prostitute" themselves for power.)"

"As the new Pope, Stephen held the legal religious right to conduct this trial he saw fit" Mr. Matthews stated, "regardless of how outlandish it all seemed." After taking another look at the image of Formosus' corpse, Lincoln mentally proclaimed that "outlandish" was putting the situation mildly. Meanwhile, Mr. Matthews listed each of the crimes Formosus supposedly committed; including perjury, holding two bishoprics against canon law and rising through the ranks of the papacy "illegally."

"Excuse me for interrupting, Sir" Cristina said politely while raising her hand, "but how was Formosus able to 'testify,' considering his...'situation?'" As if expecting this sort of inquiry, Mr. Matthews replied in saying that Stephen commanded a deacon to crouch behind the corpse and "answer" for it. "Hold on...back up" Rusty exclaimed, "you're saying that they were using the dude's corpse like some kinda life-sized ventriloquist dummy?!"

With a broad smile upon his face, Mr. Matthews gave a nod and said "that's just about the size of it." Even though the lesson was only halfway through, the students all heaved out heavy sighs; as if they'd all run a marathon. "It's weird, yes...but it's all true" Mr. Matthews stated, "the clergymen watched as Stephen insulted and screamed loudly at the corpse, only allowing the frightened deacon small chances to reply."

At this point, Lincoln couldn't decided who he felt the most sorry for; the deacon or Formosus' body. "Unsurprisingly, at the end of the trial; Formosus' corpse was found guilty" Mr. Matthews sighed, "he was thus stripped of his vestments, dressed in common robes afterward, had three fingers from his right hand cut off and was later buried in a graveyard reserved solely for outsiders and foreigners." Every student sat in their seats shivering with shock, after that; even Haiku felt surprised by the end result of the trial.

"But then, just moments after the corpse had been buried...Stephen had a 'better' idea" Mr. Matthews said suddenly, "he decided, instead to have the deacon throw Formosus into the Tiber River." Naturally, the students all reacted to this with mild outrage; proclaiming that "the dude's already dead...leave him alone." "Why bother with any of that" Zach exclaimed, "it's not like the guy's going to rise up from the grave like a zombie...or could he?"

As several students quickly called out the young nerd on his paranoia, Mr. Matthews silenced them with a light clap of his hands. "It is extreme, I know...but a lot of people back then simply saw this as a form of 'political theater'" he stated, "Formosus and Stephen were from two different political factions and some believed the latter's punishment was his way of 'terrify' his rivals and 'embolden' his supporters/allies." Despite the truth behind their teacher's word; the students all agreed that in the end, Pope Stephen was just a crackpot.

"Truth be told, there were those who adored Formosus and thought the trial was cruel, if not utterly insane" Mr. Matthews stated, "in time, an angry mob came for Stephen and dragged him off to prison." In response to this, several students cried out in either cheers or statements like "serves you right" or "eat it, chump." After everything calmed down; Mr. Matthews then said that Stephen was later murdered in his cell, months later.

"In time, subsequent popes annulled the Cadaver Trial" he stated, "in time, Formosus' corpse was pulled from the river and later restored to St. Peter's Cathedral." After this, everyone sighed with relief; thinking that Formosus could finally rest in peace (so to speak.) "For some time, all seemed well...until the early 900s" Mr. Matthews said suddenly, "at this time; a later pope named Sergius III, who served as a judge at the Cadaver Synod, had Formosus 'posthumously excommunicated.'"

After this, he explained that essentially; the term described a member of the church removing another member either due to criminal or religious offenses. "So, basically...the whole trial was just a big sham" Stella murmured confusedly, "what the crud was the point of it all?" Much to her mild disappointment, nobody seemed to have an answer and Mr. Matthews' only response was "that's how things were."

(Wednesday Afternoon)

The following day; Mr. Matthews, once again greeted his class in costume. Unfortunately, only one of the students seemed to know who he was dressed as. "Nice look, Da" Haiku said with a smile, "you've really got MacGregor's look down pat, even his sideburns." With a hearty laugh, Mr. Matthews knelt down and hugged his granddaughter in thanks for her compliment.

Meanwhile, the other students stared at them oddly; not because of the hug...but because of the name Haiku mentioned. "Um...lil' Goth girl dude, who's MacGregor" Mordecai asked, "I thought the teacher's name was Matthews." As several students facepalmed themselves in irritation, Mr. Matthews broke away from the hug and stood before the class.

"Usually, I am Ol' Gareth" the man said with a thick Scottish accent, "but for the moment, my name's Gregor MacGregor; adventurer, proud soldier of Scotland...and confidence trickster!" Before anyone could ask what the last title he listed meant, Mr. Matthews (in the guise of MacGregor) requested for someone to shut off the lights. After this was done, he brought up a slide of someplace called Poyais.

"Let me tell ye lads n' lassies about this place" Mr. Matthews began, "it has everything you could want or need; fertile land, plenty of fish and game, a democratic government, a flourishing business district and if you're lucky...there's even gold in the rivers." In an instant, several students soon had dollar signs form in their eyes; while others simply scratched their heads in confusion. "The only thing missin'...are people like you" Mr. Matthews said while gesturing to the class, "we need settlers to tame the land and investors to help it all prosper."

That did it; with that simple statement, students like Lincoln and Rusty believed that this MacGregor guy sounded like the world's biggest conman; possibly even bigger than Flip. Meanwhile, Clyde raised his hand and asked if the land of Poyais was actually real. Then, mere seconds later; Mr. Matthews spun about in place and returned back to his normal look.

"It's interesting you bring up that question, Mr. McBride" he said in his normal voice, "truth is...this supposed small country near the coast of Honduras isn't even real." In a flash, he denounced all of MacGregor's claims about the country. There were no buildings, there was no business district to be found and no other form of civilization anywhere.

"In truth, the 'proud nation of Poyais' was nothing but inhospitable jungle land" Mr Matthews stated, "and yet...MacGregor practically fooled several of Europe's elites into making investments." It was here that he then revealed how MacGregor made all this possible, by making everything up. To prove his point; the next series of slides he showed featured beautiful landscapes, pictures of currency and even a flag...all of which were crafted by Gregor MacGregor.

"Hooold up" exclaimed Tonya, "you're sayin' this MacGregor guy made all these things himself...and people actually believed that Poyais was real?!" After confirming the young lady's words, Mr. Matthews proclaimed that while it all took a lot of work; it paid off in the end. "MacGregor sold land to hundreds, received a £200,000 loan from England and later traded 'Poyaian bonds' that are worth billions in today's currency!"

The students were left so shocked by this reveal, half of them almost fainted from their seats (specifically when Mr. Matthews brought up the value of the fake bonds.) "He even managed to convince seven ships worth of eager people to help 'settle' the land, while he remained safe back at home" he stated, "amazing, I know...but it's all true." After letting all this process, Jordan proceeded to ask how MacGregor was able to get away with so much scheming.

"All of this was possible thanks to one strong quality MacGregor possessed" Mr. Matthews stated, "and that...was his overall personality." Without missing a beat; he revealed that MacGregor had been so charismatic and his lies were so outlandishly captivating that even after the settlers arrived in Poyais, they refused to believe they were all tricked. "At one point, the captain of the ship left without telling any of the settlers" Mr. Matthews said slyly, "and then, things really started to take a turn for the settlers."

As they listened to their teacher speak about the sudden rainy season and the settlers falling ill (either from Malaria or Yellow Fever,) the students wondered how much worse things could get for the settlers. "At one point, the official shoemaker for the 'Royal Princess of Poyais' shot himself in despair while he lay ill in his hammock" Mr. Matthews said sullenly, "yet even then, they held no grudge against MacGregor."

By the end of the lecture, he said that the truth wasn't revealed until six months later; when officials from British Honduras arrived and told the remaining settlers that Poyais wasn't real. "Of the two-hundred and fifty people who traveled to 'Poyais;' at least, 180 of them had died" Mr. Matthews stated, "to this very day, it's still uninhabitable wilderness." After taking a minute to say a silent prayer for those who died at "Poyais," Lincoln asked if MacGregor got punished for all the things that happened there.

"Actually...no" Mr. Matthews said simply, "the survivors simply blamed the publicists and exhibition leaders for what happened." When asked if MacGregor was ever exposed or arrested, he said that he still managed to get away scot-free. "True, there was a point where he was tried for fraud" Mr. Matthews said simply, "but at the very last minute...he got acquitted; afterwards, he spent the rest of his days living comfortably in Venezuela."

After this lesson, he decreed that while it was true that cheaters and liars never prospered; there were some who actually proved to be exceptions to the rule. "Well, look on the bright side" Clyde said with a light laugh, "at least nobody else was as nuts as MacGregor with their lies." Mere seconds after he said this, Clyde saw Mr. Matthews give him a sly look; which made him quiver slightly.

"Actually, my young friend...there were plenty other strange liars in history" he stated, "which brings us to our next subject, George Psalmanazar; the white man of Formosa." Before anyone could ask, Mr. Matthews brought up a new slide; one that featured the nation of Formosa with its more familiar title...Taiwan. "Excuse me, Sir but...what" Kat exclaimed in disbelief, "the guy can't be from Taiwan, he's whiter than Lincoln in a snowstorm...no offense meant."

Surprisingly, not only did the aforementioned Loud boy took zero offense to his friend's comment; he also agreed with her on it. "I'm right there with Kat, to be honest" Stella stated, "this guy's gotta be from...I dunno, Detroit or something!" Mr. Matthews suddenly chuckled heartily at his students, appearing amused by their reactions.

But it was clear that he was only laughing because of how engrossed they were all becoming in his lessons. "Listen closely, then; everyone" he stated, "because what I'm about to tell you may seem strange...but it's all true." With this statement, several students started scooting their desks forward slightly; not wanting to miss out on anything.

"This could probably be a while" Lincoln whispered to the viewer, "I'll tell you guys what happened, once class is over."

(First AN: Originally, I intended this to be a solo story but I didn't realize how much info needed to be unloaded in Mr. Matthews' lessons. Thus, you'll all have to come back next time to learn what happened next. What new weird facts will Lincoln and Co. learn from their new class, how will their families react when they're told about all this and will the school decide to keep the W.T.F. 101 class going?

Tune in for Part Two, to find out)

(Second AN: Just as Mr. Matthews said; while all the subjects he discussed may seem bizarre, they're all 100% true...even the lesson about the corpse that was put on trial)

(Third AN: The inspiration behind this oneshot comes from two different sources. The first one is the Pepper Ann episode, The Spanish Imposition; where the main character meets a Spanish teacher who actually makes teaching her class fun. The second example is the short-lived CollegeHumor animated series, W.T.F. 101.

Even though both things have the same name, Mr. Matthews' class is short for "Weird yet True Facts 101;" whereas the other is...well, you get the idea. This is not, by any means, me stealing from the series; rest assured. In any case, the other W.T.F. 101 is the property of Mike Trapp and the CollegeHumor site)

(Third AN: Just as Mr. Matthews said; after the ren faire season has ended, the actors either spend their days at home or off on other business affairs. In this case, I wanted to keep Haiku's Nanna Fiona in the acting game by performing in the dinner theater. At the same time, while it's yet to be revealed in the series; I strongly believe the "hearse driver" from Ghosted may actually be Haiku's father.

I also suspect he'd be working in the same theater circuit as his Mother-in-Law and Mrs. Bernardo. So sorry if this seems confusing, I just thought I'd let you all know about this)

(Last AN: In every scene she's in, I often questioned why the character of Paula Price never decided to use a wheelchair; instead of consistently losing her footing due to her crutches. Thus, I decided to give her one for this story; which I believe would make doing her daily routine a bit easier)