GOBLIN KINGDOM ARCHIVE: PROCLAMATION REGARDING THE PENALTY FOR THEFT, TO BE READ ALOUD BEFORE ALL SUBJECTS, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY
My subjects.
It has come to my attention that there are thieves among us.
Truly, I have always known that there were louts, ignoramuses, layabouts, and scoundrels among us (I myself have been called at least one of those things). But thievery of items belonging to your king? This was unheard of, until now.
I do not know which of you was clever enough, likely with the help of a mortal, to secret yourself into my bedchamber and abscond with a very private collection of letters. But rest assured that I will find out. And when I do, that unfortunate creature will not see the outside of a dungeon wall for a long time to come.
And to any others who might have similarly self-destructive tendencies, be assured that there are fresh wards surrounding all of the entrances to my bedchamber, and anyone who is so foolish as to try to breach them will find themselves transformed into a shrub. Or stricken with a particularly violent and long-lasting case of the pox. However the ward's mood might sway in that moment.
Really, I should drown all of you in the bog right this instant. The thought of rebuke and tears of pity from a certain mortal woman are all that give me pause.
Do not test my mercy in this matter.
