Amy Rose: Hey can I ask you a favour?

Blaze Sol: Sure thing.

Amy Rose: I won't be at school today but can you tell sonic that I'm working on our presentation

Blaze Sol: Of course. Are you okay?

Amy Rose: Just a stomach bug. I've got to go.

Blaze Sol: Alright. Get well soon!


"Are you still feeling unwell?" Mom asked when she found me in bed on Wednesday morning.

"Pretty bad," I said, trying to make my voice sound weak and small. I rolled over in the bed, letting out a soft groan. I'd created quite a repertoire of groans over the last few days. "I just don't think I can go to school like this."

Mom placed a hand on my forehead. "You don't have a temperature … but if this is just a stomach bug, you should be feeling better by now. Should I call the doctor?"

"No!" I said forcefully. I was about to sit up straight in the bed but I caught myself. "I mean … I'm sure I'll be fine. It's just a bug. Bad stomachache."

Strictly-speaking it wasn't a lie. My stomach did feel weird. Like it was being twisted into a pretzel, into a knot so tight that it was difficult to breathe. And I hadn't been sleeping well, rolling around for hours before giving up and scrolling through TikTok and tumblr until my brain went numb and my eyes were too heavy to keep open. But even then the first thing I saw when I closed them was the look on Sonic's face when we were in his room. When I woke up I could feel his hand on mine. Within seconds the awful twisting feeling would start and I'd bury myself under my duvet.

Mom hovered over my bed. I could tell that she didn't know if she should believe me or not, could practically see the gears turning in her head. But I'd never been the type to fake sick before, not for an ordinary school day. As miserable as school was, it was mildly preferable to sitting in our cramped studio by myself for hours.

"It might just be … you know … anxiety," I said uncomfortably. "You know, with finals coming up."

She bit down on her lip and I could see her resolve fading. Even though that also wasn't strictly a lie, I felt bad playing the mental-health card. It was a guaranteed way to make mom nod and play along. She didn't like to talk about that kind of stuff, even though she'd been through it all. Maybe because she'd been through it all. After her suicide attempt, after she had Abigail, she acted like a different person. It was like a switch had been flipped and I suddenly had a real mother again.

But she never ever talked about it.

Just like we didn't talk about my panic-attacks. Or the numbness that came over me. The fits of tearfulness. The clear indicators of the d-word that sounds like compression.

"Right," she cleared her throat. "Well - drink plenty of water and try and take it easy. We'll see how you're feeling later, okay?"

"Sure," I said.

She reached out and stroked some hair out of my face, smiling sadly down at me. She opened her mouth like she wanted to say something else, but Abigail started screaming from the kitchen, demanding her pink hair ribbon.

"Her majesty calls," Mom said, rolling her eyes. "I'll see you tonight, okay?'

I waited until everyone was out of the house before sitting up and grabbing my phone. There were hundreds of new messages in the groupchat, but I ignored them. Sonic's name was almost out of sight, down at the bottom of my screen and I could see that final message he'd sent -

Nonono.

A wave of nausea ran over me and I threw my phone to the side and curled up underneath my duvet. How could I ever face him again?

I knew that I couldn't keep this up for another day. I staged a 'miraculous recovery' that evening, eating all of my dinner and playing games with Abigail. Mom seemed pleased that I was feeling better. When I went back into my room to go to bed, I saw a little brown bag on the bed. She'd bought me a supermarket self-care package of chocolate, strawberry shampoo, and a mini mindfulness colouring book. It was a sweet gesture - and it made me feel all the more guilty the next day.

Mom was working an afternoon shift so I had to get up and dressed as though I was leaving the house. It was unseasonably warm, so I told mom I was going to skip the bus and walk to school instead. I grabbed some toast and left quickly, before she could ask too many questions - like why I was wearing a hoodie if I was walking in the sunshine.

I pulled the hood up over my head as the local bus pulled up. I handed over the adult fare for a return ticket to Knothole - a student one would look suspicious - and sat silently at the back. I didn't think the bus driver knew who I was, but I had been a passenger before and my mom took it to work sometimes and I didn't want to risk it. Luckily it was early - it wasn't even 8.30 yet and he looked like he needed a serious caffeine boost.

I didn't know what to do with myself when I got to Knothole. Even if I had a lot of money I couldn't have gone shopping without my mom seeing the bags and realising that I had skipped school. I took my hoodie off eventually - it was too hot not to - and bought myself an iced strawberry lemonade. I sat on a bench and listened to music on my phone while I drank it, trying to block out the feeling of stranger's eyes - not that the strangers were remotely interested in me or anything I did, but I just felt stupid and self-concious sitting there by myself. I went to the library. I read bits and pieces of old YA novels - Twilight, The Mortal Instruments and the like. I'd brought my Algebra notebook, in an attempt to make the day slightly productive, but I couldn't focus. I doodled instead. Usually I sketched little chibi figures or designed dresses in the margins but I couldn't even concentrate on that. I drew stupid broken hearts and black scribbles - what was I doing?

Why did you do that?

My leg bounced up and down. I needed a distraction. I asked if I could leave my bag behind the desk and left the library, making my way to the local was almost entirely empty. I saw a mother and her chubby toddler throwing bread crusts at the flicky-birds, a few stray joggers, and an old man reading a newspaper. None of them gave me a second glance.

I stretched self-consciously, trying to focus on my breathing and nothing else - no one else. I found a playlist of obnoxious pop music that would get stuck in my head instead, stuck my earphones in, and started to run - slowly at first but getting gradually and gradually faster until my heart was racing and my mouth was dry.

I always rolled my eyes when people talked about the healing power of exercise, how it would do wonders for your mental health. I still thought that was mostly bullshit. It didn't stop me feeling anxious - as soon as I stopped, gasping for breath, I'd burn with embarrassment at the thought of everyone looking at me - but it made it difficult to focus on my anxiety.

Or anything.

Or anyone.

Why had I done it? Why had I blocked Sonic?

I'd been trying to ask myself the same question, trying to pin it down. But doing that meant thinking about that message and what he'd said or hadn't said or almost said and -

I curled up into a ball, my heart hammering under my duvet. Maybe I was wrong. I had to be wrong, right? The alternative was too scary and confusing to think about. What did that mean? Did I really like him then?

You don't just like him.

I swallowed. I didn't want to admit it … it made things sound so much more serious and dramatic than they had to be, than if it was just a silly crush. Teenage hormones. Something that would fade away eventually and then we could be friends, just friends, and that would be wonderful and nowhere near as confusing. I'd spent so long assuming that's what it was - friendship that got mixed up with some physical attraction because let's face it, I was awkward not blind. I'd never had close friends before. For all I knew, it was normal for your chest to feel tight and your knees to go weak and for your tongue to feel too big for your mouth - in fact, that was normal for me.

But I didn't feel that way with Maria. Or Blaze. Or Cream. I didn't even feel that way with any of the other guys. Just Sonic.

So okay. A crush. Except that sounded so … juvenile. Compared to how I felt. Compared to how I was acting.

You should text him. Say you're sorry. See if you can get past this.

My thumb hovered over SnapChat - I hadn't blocked him on that … yet. I didn't really want to either. I'd regretted blocking him almost immediately. It was so mean, so immature, the virtual version of putting your hands over your ears and singing 'lalala I can't hear youuuu!' in an obnoxious voice. Sometimes, alone in bed in the middle of the night, I nearly gave in and unblocked him … but then what?

Would our friendship survive?

What if he tried to say … something?

My heartbeat quickened - but the thought didn't thrill me the way it used to, all those nights that I couldn't sleep and closed my eyes and fantasised instead. Instead, it was like someone had thrown ice-cold water down the back of my t-shirt. Because fantasies and daydreams were one thing - big over the top romantic gestures, sunsets and slow-dancing - but the raw real possibility? It was something I'd never let myself consider, not seriously. Even now I was hesitant to … he asked Sally Acorn out. They'd only just broken up.

I remembered the kiss between Shadow and Mina, born out of hurt and heartbreak. What had almost happened between me and Elias because we were lonely and a little drunk.

What if that was all I was to Sonic when he grabbed onto my hand?

I knew one thing for sure. Forget the friendship - I didn't know how I would ever survive that. I wouldn't be strong enough. Things were better, sure … but sometimes I still felt like I was only hanging on by a few loose threads. If one of those was cut?

I didn't want to think about what might happen.


Mom had to go to work early again on Friday, so I got dressed, ate breakfast, and made like I was going out for the day but as soon as she and Abigail were gone I went back to bed. Abigail had after-school club. Mom was going to the cinema with a coworker. Nobody would know.

I tided the kitchen. I had a new book, a YA novel Cream had leant me, but I couldn't focus on it. It all felt too much like my own life, the teen drama and the unrequited love. I tried listening to a true-crime podcast instead but I got so freaked out that I had to put Friends on instead. It played comfortingly in the background as I worked on the dress for our presentation. I'd found a pattern online and was putting it together with material from an old dress of my grandmother's.

I made a grilled cheese sandwich around noon, surprised by how little time had passed. I watched more Friends. I tried to do some homework. At four-thirty I glanced down at my phone-screen. I'd turned off notifications on Monday so I hadn't heard from anyone. I was worried that Sonic had told them what had happened. I hadn't even spoken to Maria.

I should text her I thought guiltily. I looked down at the phone again and bit my lip. Eventually, I gave in and checked my messages. New ones were flooding into the group chat

Maria Robotnik: GUYS I have free-time now please let me know what's happening in school today I am really bored, I need all of the details please and thank you x

Blaze Sol: I got new highlighters.

Maria Robotnik: AMAZING your notes are going to look even more aesthetic than before

Cosmo Birnbaum: I was asked to help design the new mural for the wall outside!

Tails Prower, Tikal Pacha, Maria Robotnik and Cream Barony heart-reacted

Maria Robotnik: THAT'S FANTASTIC AHHH IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT

Tails Prower: I can't believe I'm dating a famous artist

Cosmo Birnbaum: Most of the Juniors and Seniors are doing it too, haha, it's not that big of a deal

Cosmo Birnbaum: I think they were just looking for a freshman to be inclusive

Tails Prower: Incorrect, it's because you're the best.

Tikal Pacha: Cosmo? Being self-deprecating? I'm shocked

Maria Robotnik: Cosmo you're amazing. You're all amazing. I miss you guys.

Cream Barony: We miss you too!

Cosmo Birnbaum: We're sending you all our love xx

Tails Prower: UM here's a wholesome meme

Tails Prower: (I don't know how else to express my feelings but I miss you too)

Maria Robotnik heart-reacted

Maria Robotnik: RougeMinella AmyRose I miss you guys tooooo where are you

Tikal Pacha: Rouge is at my house. She and Knuckles are ''''''STUDYING''''''''

Blaze Sol: Ah yes, because they're known for their diligence when it comes to schoolwork.

Tikal Pacha: Our rooms are right next to each other …

Tikal Pacha: I want to move out this is gross

Maria Robotnik: AMY SAW THAT MESSAGE, HI AMY! I MISS YOU!

Cream Barony: Amy!

Amy Rose: Hey guys!

Blaze Sol: Are you feeling any better?

Cream Barony: We've been worried about you!

Amy Rose: I feel better now - just a weird flu or something. I've missed you guys! Cosmo - that's amazing about the mural!

Blaze Sol: Something must be going around.

Cosmo Birnbaum: Are you going to the party tomorrow?

Amy Rose: Party?

Blaze Sol: Nicole's birthday party. Personally, I think festivities should wait until after the exams but I understand that not everyone sees it that way.

Cream Barony: Didn't you see the event page?

Tikal Pacha: Honestly Blaze I need the study break

Amy Rose: I haven't really looked at my social media lately, must have missed it. Are you all going?

Tikal Pacha: I'm pretty sure everyone is - it's at Sally's house and her parties are LEGENDARY

Tails Prower: tikal you went to One and you spent 99% of the time unable to walk because you decided a shot of tequila would be a great first-time drink

Tikal Pacha: IT WAS WORTH IT

Cosmo Birnbaum: We're going to Rouge's to get ready! Please say you'll come?

I hesitated. If the party was at Sally's, that might mean Sonic wouldn't be there …

But was that a pro or a con?

Cream Barony: Pleeeeeease?

I caved.

Amy Rose: I'll be there.


I told mom about the party the next morning, half hoping that she'd tell me I couldn't possibly go since I'd been out 'sick' all week. Instead, she seemed delighted, taking it as proof that I was feeling better and that nothing was wrong in my personal life. If only she knew I thought mournfully as my bowl of cornflakes churned in my stomach. Since I was sleeping over at Rouge's house afterwards and Abigail had a slumber party of her own to attend, mom started to make her own plans for the evening. In spite of my anxiety, I felt a twinge of happiness as I looked around the breakfast table, taking in mom and Abigail's smiling faces. Who'd have thought the move would have been so good for us?

Mom got off the phone with Matthew and suddenly her face became more serious.

"The uh, the anniversary is coming up …" she said. Her eyes flickered over to Abigail who didn't seem to notice as she was too busy clicking her heels experimentally in her light-up trainers (the first brand-new pair of shoes that she had ever received.) I choked down my mouthful of cereal. I tried to mask it as a cough and took a sip from my glass of water. My throat felt constricted … like someone was applying pressure to it. I could feel his fingertips.

How could I have forgotten? Maybe between finals, assignments, Sonic, and all of the other drama, it had simply slipped my mind … Usually, the time leading up to His anniversary were marked by fitful sleep, unsettling nightmares, and a heightened sense of fear. I was jumpier, flinching at shadows on the street, or minor physical contact. I felt nauseous. I drifted listlessly, like a ghost. Maybe my body had been remembering all this time. Maybe that's why this whole thing with Sonic had triggered such a strong reaction in me.

I realised that mom was looking expectantly at me, awaiting an answer. I swallowed.

"It's just, I have finals coming up … I'd have to miss a whole weekend if we went to Mobius," I said awkwardly, avoiding her eyes. I didn't want to see if she still looked as disappointed as she had done the first time I refused to go to the graveyard with her.

I'd almost told her. We had an assembly at school about abuse, and I had been working up the courage to tell her for a while. I wanted to do it carefully, because she was so busy with the baby and I still felt like I was walking on eggshells, though her suicide attempt had been almost a year ago. But then she sprang the anniversary on me, my tongue went heavy in my mouth, and all I could force out of my mouth was a simple blunt no.

"I understand. That's fine," she said lightly. She took a sip of coffee and started tapping on her phone. I studied her expression, trying to figure out whether or not she was upset with me. But it was impossible to tell.

The groupchat was busy all day as we arranged the evening ahead. I tried to get as much schoolwork done as possible in order to keep away from my phone. I felt sick with nerves getting my bag together to go to Rouge's house. I picked out a ruched velvet skirt I'd upcycled from a formal black charity-shop dress and decided I'd borrow a top of Rouge's, since my own black one was in the wash.

Vanilla came to pick me up around seven. Abigail was already at her friend's house and mom was busy putting on her own makeup for her date, but she hugged me before I left and pressed some cash into my hand with a wink. I felt even guiltier for lying to her, but just stuffed it into the pocket of my denim jacket - formally Maria's. I felt a pang and held the sleeve up to my nose, trying to breathe in the faint trace of vanilla I fancied still lingered on it.

I miss you, Maria. I really need you right now.

I was quiet the whole car ride over, but luckily Cosmo was there and she knew all the right questions to ask about the wedding preparations and the café opening so Vanilla kept the conversation going - sweetheart neckline this and five-tier that.

"I didn't get the big white wedding the first time around," Vanilla said. "So we're going all out!"

Cream's eyes shone with happiness. We hadn't really spoken about her dad or Vector since that one afternoon, but I was glad that she seemed to be letting her grudge go.

Rouge's house felt like a mini-party itself. Surprise surprise, her mother was at the office and Topaz was staying at college this weekend. There was loud music playing and she, Tikal, and Blaze all greeted me excitedly.

"Amy! How are you? School has sucked without you there, ugh!" Tikal cried. She wobbled slightly - unsurprising since Rouge was mixing up drinks laden with crushed ice, strawberries, and pink vodka while singing along with Neon Trees. I saw Cream and Cosmo exchange looks like oh boy, you're looking after her this time.

"Definitely feeling better then?" Blaze asked.

"Much better," I lied. My stomach lurched and I eyed up the drinks Rouge was preparing, wondering if they'd make me feel better or worse.

There wasn't a lot of intense conversation - everyone was just giving out about assignments and talking about how excited they were about the prospect of a night out. Even Blaze had a gleam in her eyes (though it may have been alcohol-related) and seemed excited. Birthday parties were a really big deal here because there was no club scene in Station Square. Unless you had a car, you had to depend on public transport just to get to the cinema and the bowling alley.

"Okay girls, what are we wearing?" Rouge asked. "I feel like getting really dressed up tonight, so you guys can't let me down.

"I'm wearing this," Blaze gestured down at her jeans and navy t-shirt. "But I will consent to getting my make-up done. As long as there's no glitter involved."

"Ugh, you're no fun!" Rouge stuck her tongue out. "Amy? Glitter?"

"Sure thing," I said weakly. Rouge grinned dangerously and started unpacking the contents of her makeup case. Blaze ordered pizza. Cream, Cosmo, and Tikal took selfies together in their dresses and jean-jackets.

"So did you hear the news?" Rouge asked, attacking my eyelid with gold glittery powder.

"You mean about Tikal and Marine?" I asked slyly. Tikal let out a squeak of protest, her entire face turning red.

"You two are so cute," Cream sighed. "So are you and Tails, Cosmo. I can't believe I'm the only one out of the three of us who isn't dating anyone."

"Oh don't give us that," Tikal nudged her playfully. "How many Snapchat streaks do you have going with smitten boys, huh? Five, is it?"

Cream blushed but tried to put on a dignified expression. "I'm too busy to think about boys right now anyway. There's so much going on at home -"

"Close your eyes, Amy. I need to get the eyeliner right," Rouge instructed. "Not that I don't love hearing about wedding prep - or Tikal's love life - but I was actually talking about the big break up last weekend."

If it hadn't been for the pressure she was applying, my eyes would have shot open in fear. I felt my breath hitch in my throat - did she mean Sonic and Sally? That's one of the reasons I'd been so anxious about going to school - the girls might gang together and scheme if they knew that Sonic was single. Was that what Rouge was getting at? But surely someone would have mentioned it before now if they knew Sonic and Sally were broken up?

"It's a blow to SSH's sapphic community," Tikal sighed, and relief washed over me as I realised they were talking about Nicole and Fiona - the other break-up.

"Obviously I don't know either of them that well," Tikal continued. "But I have beef with bi girls who cheat as a matter of principle. They're giving the rest of us a bad rep."

"Did Fiona cheat?" I asked. "I heard they'd broken up, but …"

"Apparently," Blaze said. "I try not to listen to gossip, obviously, but Wave is in my Geometry class and she knows the guy in question. He works at that mechanics place - "

"The one Megan runs," Rouge added, pulling away. "You can open your eyes now, by the way, Amy. Anyway. His name's Scourge. He graduated last year. He acts all dangerous, but he was always pretty harmless."

"Rouge used to date him!"

"Second-base behind Espio Honda's garden shed doesn't count as dating," Rouge countered. "Still. I never thought Nicole and Fiona were that compatible. I think they just got together because there weren't any other openly queer girls around at the time - Tangle and Whisper got together a few months later."

"Poor Nicole," Cosmo frowned. "And of course, the dating pool is just all the more limited for her …"

"I think she's bi too - at least, she used to wear that pin all the time. But …" Tikal trailed off, nibbling one of her newly painted nails. I wondered if she was thinking about Marine.

"Anyway. I think that's why Sally's making such a big thing of this party," Rouge said. "Nicole being her best friend. I'm surprised there wasn't more of a bloodbath about it, you know between their little foursome."

"I think it was a friendship of convenience more than anything," I said, posing Sally's confession as speculation. "Hershey and Fiona are best friends, so when Fiona and Nicole started dating …"

"Right," Rouge nodded. Her tongue poked out of her mouth as she concentrated on applying just the right amount of highlighter across my cheekbones. "I think we're done here, Ames. Want to take a look?"

I was a little apprehensive at first - I remembered how over the top she'd made me look for the Sadie Hawkins dance. But I was pleasantly surprised by my reflection - it was a much more natural look, apart from the gold eyeshadow. But even that seemed to work.

The pizza arrived and then we moved to Rouge's bedroom so we could finish getting ready. Everyone ended up borrowing something from her bursting closet, be it a pair of shoes or a simple belt that tied the whole look together. I sceptically tried on a cropped black top, and was surprised when I realised that I actually liked how I looked in it. I felt bad feeling so apprehensive, knowing what Maria had gone through and how toxic these thoughts were, but it was more about modesty than insecurity. I was more worried about my boobs falling out than anything else. But I had Maria's jacket as a kind of armour …

Music was blasting from Rouge's Bluetooth speakers. Everyone else was having fun, so I tried to join in. I drank the strawberry and vodka concoction, I sang along to our classic gettogether playlist (a chaotic mixture of Taylor Swift songs, 00s girly pop classics, 80s ballads, and cheesy movie soundtracks), weighed in when Rouge was trying to decide what shoes to wear (she went with a pair of lace-up black boots with dangerous heels), argued about pizza toppings, and just genuinely tried to enjoy the evening with my friends. My friends. Sometimes the word felt strange in my mouth.

We even briefly video-chatted with Maria, whose hair had fully regained its glossy golden sheen. We squeezed in around Rouge's iPad, trying to all get into frame.

"You all look great!" Maria exclaimed, her eyes raking over each of us in turn. If she was remotely jealous about not being able to be with us, she hid it well.

"How are you?" I asked.

She shrugged. "We're watching a movie tonight. My roommate Lara and I are going to try and hijack the vote in favour of Finding Nemo, but I think Frozen is going to win out in the end. Thus will conclude another exciting evening at Green Hill Clinic!"

"You're there to get better," Rouge said in a surprisingly soft voice. "We have plenty of time for exciting adventures this Summer, alright?"

"I know," Maria smiled. "I'd better go. Have fun tonight, and best of luck with finals. Wish Nicole a happy birthday from me!"

Within minutes of the call ending the taxis pulled up outside and it was a scramble to get into them. Rouge and Blaze went alone in one, while Cosmo, Cream, Tikal and I piled into the other one. I smiled as we took photos and giggled as they teased Cream about the string of broken hearts she was sure to leave behind her tonight (she did look gorgeous in her simple sky-blue dress and gold necklace) but internally I was getting more and more nauseous the closer we got to Sally's …

I'd been relieved to hear that the girls didn't know about Sonic and Sally's breakup because I was worried about them trying to set the two of us up, or - even worse - figuring out that something had happened. But now it was gnawing at the back of my mind - did that mean Sonic would be at the party? Were they pretending to still be a couple - why would they do that? Or what if they were still a couple? What if the break-up had been a blip and they were back together?

It should have been a relief. But it wasn't - not remotely. It was like a fist clenched around my heart and squeezed it. I tried to focus on the positives of that outcome - I could forget whatever Sonic might have been about to say and we could stay friends.

But all I could think about was how it would be the final proof of what I'd always known - that I didn't deserve good things. That I was damaged. That I wasn't enough for anyone.

Not even my mother.

Because if you were enough for her, why would she have tried to kill herself?

I stumbled as we climbed out of the taxi. Cosmo gripped my arm tightly. "Are you alright?"

"Had a few too many, Amy?" Rouge asked with a wink, coming over and handing the taxi driver some money. "Keep the change."

I forced a smile. In truth, my knees were just shaking so badly that I didn't know how I'd make it to the door.

"She was sick this week" Blaze pointed out, looking worriedly at me over her glasses.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Cream asked.

I looked around at them, their eyes - even Rouge's - full of concern. For a split second, I wanted to tell them everything … but the music was blaring behind the imposing white walls. People were milling around the front of the house, smoking and drinking from cans. I saw Tails, Knuckles and Silver, all smiles as they made their way over to greet their girlfriends. I thought of Maria, sitting at the clinic wishing she could be here, having a normal teenage experience.

And a part of me - the small, hopeless part of me that stayed up all night reading fanfiction of my favourite couples, that melted when I saw Maria and Shadow exchange a significant look, that made my heart swell up with some intangible thing (some mixture of envy, hope, and happiness) when I listened to the words of a song, that had planned out my wedding dress and first dance - wanted to go inside. Wanted to see if Sonic was there - wanted him to be there.

That part of me that had survived for so long, in spite of all the shit I'd been through. The part that still believed that there was some kind of romantic story waiting for me. That I deserved some kind of story.

"I'll be fine," I said, sounding a lot braver than I felt. We made our way inside, Rouge clutching a large bottle of champagne 'for the birthday girl'. I immediately regretted my burst of courage when I saw that Manic was one of the people smoking outside - because that meant Sonic was probably here and ohmygodwhatamIdoing- but it was too late because suddenly the One Direction song that was playing was sending vibrations through my entire body, the smell of beer hit my nose, and I nearly stumbled over an interlocked couple that I couldn't quite make out because of the LED lights that were flashing in a synchronised pattern.

The freshmen girls (begrudgingly followed by Tails) all jumped out into the middle of the crowd and started belting out the lyrics to "Best Song Ever" at the top of their lungs. Blaze looked a little taken aback, her social awkwardness rearing its head, but she seemed to find reassurance in Silver's gaze.

"Do you want to get a drink?" she asked. I nodded, deciding it would be safest to stick in a group. Silver rescued the bottle of champagne from Rouge, who had wasted no time in pushing Knuckles up against a wall (I was immediately thankful for the flashing lights that made it difficult to see too much) and we made our way through the crowd.

"Was her last party this … wild?" Blaze asked, sounding doubtful. "Or was I just tipsier so I didn't really notice?"

"It's probably just final-season making people crazier," Silver said wisely. "But then again, Sally has always been the work-hard-play-hard type of person," his yellow eyes scanned the room, resting on whatever he was looking for. "There we go!"

For once, Sally wasn't standing prettily in the middle of a group of admirers. She was tossing her hair around to the beat of the music, her arms stretched upwards and her hips swaying back and forth. She'd once again abandoned the more natural look in favour of bright red lipstick and a designer black minidress that really suited her. Nicole was right by her side, dressed in ripped black jeans and a metallic top that was even skimpier than mine. She had a new haircut - one side of her head was now shaved. The typical hallmark of a break-up. Even so she looked happy. They both did. Sally's smile could have lit the whole room up. Did that mean she and Sonic had gotten back together?

"Nicole looks like she's doing okay,," Silver said. "Truth be told, I never thought Fiona deserved her."

"You really need to let go of this grudge," Blaze replied. "It isn't healthy."

"Not until she apologises for destroying your eighth-grade science project," Silver said solemnly. "I'm afraid that she's still on my list."

"You're such a dork," Blaze smiled, shaking her head. "Come on. Let's get a drink."

I hoped it would help me relax, but instead I felt even edgier as I searched for Sonic in the crowd. I kept half an eye on Sally, waiting to see if she made any move to where he was, but she stayed firmly by Nicole's side. But that made sense, since it was her birthday. Silver left Nicole's drink and card on a small table in the corner which had a modest pile of gifts balanced on it. The three of us stood together companionably, though Blaze suddenly seemed a little skittish too. A guy brushed past her and she flinched, and - oh. With a jolt I remembered what had happened the last time she'd been at a party at Sally's house. I could tell by Silver's expression that he could remember it too - his jaw was clenched and his fist balled up at his side, as though he wanted to go and find the guy who'd groped her and called her names and beat him up all over again -

"Silver," I said, inspiration striking me like lightning. "This is where you asked me out."

Realisation dawned on his face. Blaze seemed to forget her anxiety and her eyes flickered between the two of us, a smile playing at her lips.

"Yeah aha, let's not - " Silver began, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

"No no, I want to hear this story," Blaze interrupted.

"There's nothing much to it," I smirked. "Basically Silver was too scared to ask the girl he actually liked out, so he decided to try and work his charm on me - "

"It was not my proudest moment," he said sheepishly. "But maybe it was for the best - what would we even be called? Silvamy?"

"That's awful!" I laughed.

"To be fair," Blaze noted, her eyes gleaming with amusement. "It's structurally no worse than Silvaze."

"Blaze! Amy!' Rouge was waving us over to where she and Tikal were dancing. I could make out Tails and Cosmo walking hand-in-hand out the glass doors and onto the veranda. I spied Cream chatting to Mighty, a red-and-black armadillo who was staring admiringly at her. I was torn between feelings of pride, amusement and older-sisterly fear … it was so easy for bad things to happen.

But Cream knew that. She'd be careful. Besides, she'd been so cautious around boys, so untrusting of them … it was nice to see her smile and bat her eyes a little, enjoying the attention.

"Come and dance!" Tikal cried, snapping me out of my thoughts. Blaze and Silver exchanged amused looks and with an exaggerated sigh, Blaze handed him her red plastic cup and turned to me. "Are you coming?"

"In a minute," I said, holding up my still-full bottle.

"I'll keep her company," Silver said. "Knuckles is probably off somewhere talking about sports."

"The horror!" Blaze gasped in mock-fear, before disappearing into the crowd. Silver and I stood in silence, sipping our drinks. I could tell he wanted to talk, but I suddenly found I couldn't say anything - I was too busy looking for Sonic in the crowd. If Manic was here he must have come, right?

I downed more of my cider - at least drinking gave me an excuse not to talk.

"So uh," Silver began, in a would-be-casual tone. "Do you mind if I ask what's the story with … Sonamy?"

I nearly choked on my drink. I forced myself to swallow it as I tried to think of a response.

"There's no story," I said.

"Right," Silver nodded. "Sure. Whatever you say."

"There's not," I insisted. My heart was racing - had Sonic said something to Silver? It didn't seem likely; he was closer to Tails and Knuckles. Unless he'd told all of them …

"'He's with Sally," I pointed out, even though I wasn't sure if that was the truth. "Sure, I had a crush on him, but - "

"Interesting use of the past tense."

"Okay," I sighed. "I have a crush. He has a girlfriend."

Maybe. I think. I hope. I hope not.

Silver frowned as he took another sip of his drink, as though he were thinking deeply. After a few seconds, he turned to look at me, his yellow eyes serious.

"Amy," he said. "They're not going to work out - you have to know that, right?"

"W- what do you mean?" I asked, my chest fluttering like some small creature was trying to escape.

"I mean that they only ever got together because they felt like they had to," he said bluntly. "Because Sonic didn't want to hurt another girl after Mina, and Sally - "

"And Sally - what?" What did he know about Sally that I didn't?

Even though the lights made it difficult to see, I sensed his eyes flicker over to where Sally was dancing, with Nicole and a crowd of other people I couldn't make out. I thought about how she'd been at Tangle's birthday party, apologetic and uncomfortable and how happy she looked now. What had changed in the meantime?

She'd broken up with Sonic. As much as I hadn't fully wanted to admit it, I knew that she and Sonic hadn't actually gotten back together. They were broken-up and she was happy.

How?

"Amy," Silver said softly. "Do you think that I can't tell when someone's in love with their best friend?"

I was glad it was dark, because the heat rushing through my body made it clear that my face was red. "Who said anything about - you can't assume - "

Silver raised his hands defensively; the flashing light caught his tattoos, causing them to shine briefly, iridescent.

"Whatever you want to call it," he said. "You should tell him."

"I - "

"You're the one who told me I should tell Blaze I liked her, right? Well, it's time you listen to your own advice. Call it my boyish intuition, or whatever. What's stopping you?"

The fact that I have an undiagnosed mental illness that's infecting my brain. The fact that I have panic attacks. The fact that my father left me and replaced me with a new daughter. The fact that I was molested by my little sister's father. The fact that my mother didn't think I was a good enough reason to try and stay alive. That I don't want to lose the first group of friends I've had in years. The fact that I am scared that I am not enough for anyone, that once people really and truly get to know me and what has happened to me and what I've done they will leave and I will be alone again -

All of those things were true. I could have said any of them. But when I looked up at Silver and opened my mouth to answer his question, what came out was something that was incredibly shallow and unimportant … but no less true.

"I wouldn't know … what to do."

"What do you mean?"

Do I have to spell it out for you?

I took a deep breath. "I've never kissed anyone before."

If Silver was anyone else, he would have laughed or rolled his eyes. But he didn't, because he was Silver.

"I promise you, he wouldn't care."

"Yeah but - " I struggled to explain myself. "I would. I just don't want it to be like - like smashing doll faces together, you know?"

"Sure," he chuckled - but not in a mean way. "I mean, kissing is weird if you stop and think about it for three seconds. Most things are. I kind of understand why Blaze is asexual." his voice softened. "That stuff just kind of comes together … but you know, you have to actually talk to him for that to happen, right?"

I was too embarrassed to speak, so I simply shrugged my shoulders. Not if I can help it.

"In fact," Silver said slowly, his eyes fixed somewhere behind me. "You can start right now."

My mouth dropped open and I whirled around, coming face to face with Sonic. He'd been standing behind us - how long had he been there? What had he heard?

"Hey Sonic," Silver said casually, as though we were all in the cafeteria together.

"H-hey," Sonic said. His voice sounded strange, but in spite of everything, it sent a pulse of warmth shooting right down my body. I couldn't make out his expression. He was half-hidden in shadow, just out of reach of the bright lights. It was probably for the best - I didn't know how I'd react to seeing his face clearly.

Silver finally seemed to understand how awkward the situation because he cleared his throat and muttered, "I'm uh - I'm going to go and find Blaze …"

No! Don't go! I wanted to cry, but I was paralysed with shame. Sonic shifted his feet, ran a hand through his quills and took a deep breath -

"Look, I - "

I couldn't deal with it. I dropped my half-empty bottle to the ground were it made a faint crash, turned and ran. I pushed through the crowd, my face burning, my heart in my throat, tore down the hall, muttering apologies as I stepped over a scrawny eagle playing the guitar for a couple of freshmen, a girl trying to stick her broken heel together with eyelash glue, and -

"Amy?'

Sally Acorn was staring wide-eyed at me. "Are you okay? What's wrong?"

"What's wrong?" I snapped, internally flinching at my harsh tone - but also too upset and confused to care. "You broke up with Sonic!"

I expected her eyes to fall to the ground, for a flicker of regret to cross over her face. Instead, she held her chin up and met my gaze head-on. "Yes," she said simply. "I did. He told you, right?"

"Why?" I asked.

"Because it wasn't fair," she said. I was surprised by how soft her voice sounded like she was explaining something to a young child.

"You didn't have to do it for me," I told her, my voice almost like a whisper. "I told you, I-"

"It wasn't just for," she interrupted. "The whole situation wasn't fair on anyone. Not you. Not me. And definitely not on Sonic."

"I don't know what you mean," I said. "You like Sonic. You said it in the car - you said that you'd liked him for ages. It's not fair - "

Sally hesitated and I saw a strange emotion in her eyes - it almost looked like fear. "I thought I liked Sonic," she told me. "Or I convinced myself that I did, or something. It's hard to explain. I was confused for a really long time. But over the last few weeks I've started to realise that … I didn't like Sonic as much as I liked what he represented." her eyes met mine again, and I saw the determination in her gaze. "I thought because we were friends it would be easy, but it was just weird. It was always weird, and I think we were trying to convince ourselves that it wasn't because - " she suddenly chuckled "Well, we're both pretty stubborn. And we had other reasons. Like I said … I don't think he'd have kissed me back if he knew there was nothing going on between you and Elias."

"You don't know - " I began, but she cut me off.

"Amy, I don't know what happened between you two after I ended things. I really tried - I tried telling him he should be with someone he actually wants to be with, but he's so weird when it comes to girls and I'm sorry for setting you guys back. I don't know what happened or if anything happened, but he's been miserable in school this week. I didn't have the heart to tell people we'd broken up, that's how bad it was. One thing I do know is that I've known Sonic since I was a kid, and he's never looked as happy as he does when he's with you, and that you look your happiest when you're with him."

"What about you?" I asked, desperately. I don't know what to do if you say you don't like him, because even though I was heartbroken about it, it was so much easier to accept, it was much less scary than thinking I might be able to be with him -

"Me?" Sally blinked. "I've found what makes me the happiest. Or at least - I'm finding the courage to accept the thing that makes me the happiest. Finally."

"What is it?" I asked, curiosity getting the best of me.

"It's … personal," Sally said. "But don't you see? It's scary, but you've got to do the brave thing. That's what I've learned from Elias, from everything you told him - about how he should stand his ground and go after the things he wants. The things will make him happy. You need to do the same thing. You deserve to be happy too, Amy." She paused. "I think that we have a lot in common. I didn't realise it until that day in the car, but I think we were both quite lonely. So I know that it can be scary to let someone in, to see all of those parts of you but … it's okay to feel like you need someone. It's okay to let someone need you.

She reached out to put a hand on my shoulder - and then suddenly, her arms were wrapped around me; she pulled me into a hug, squeezing me tightly. I instinctively reciprocated - when I thought about what my past self would have thought, seeing me hug Sally Acorn, I wanted to laugh. We broke apart and she smiled at me, though her expression was serious.

"Seriously Amy," she said. "You should talk to him."

"I think it's too late for that," I said, guilt pricking my skin. "I already - I mean, I've made a fool of myself. I don't think he'll want to talk to me … maybe I should just tell the girls I'm sick and go home."

"And what will that accomplish?" Sally asked, one hand on her hip and eyebrows raised. "Then what happens? You go home, listen to some sad music, and then just … come into school, carrying on like this forever?"

"Not forever!" I argued. "I keep saying - I'll get over whatever it is."

"Yes, you've done a fantastic job at that so far," Sally said sardonically. I felt my face flare up - I felt like I was getting told off by a teacher.

"But - what if it wrecks our friendship?"

"You need to listen to yourself!" This was the final straw - she had exploded now, eyes flashing dangerously. "All the pining, all the jealously - you guys are already wrecking your friendship! At this rate, you may as well drop the final bombshell - get it all out in the open and do what you want with the wreckage. Or so help me - I'll lock you both in a room and do it myself."

I blinked at her, mildly stupified. "That's … pretty ruthless."

"Well, I am my father's daughter," she pointed out. "The genes for the cutthroat attitude had to go somewhere. Now go," she said sternly, pointing back towards the main room. "Seriously."

It was impossible to argue with her. I turned around and made my way back down the hall. I walked slowly, my heart thumping in my chest like it was threatening to burst out. What was I doing? Why didn't I just go and hide somewhere? I looked around for a spare room, a closet or something, but then my eyes fell on Jet and Wave. They were leaning against a wall, completely oblivious to my presence. They weren't making-out or anything like that, they were just … standing there, faces turned to each other, talking in low voices. She rolled her eyes and nudged him playfully. He poked her side, laughing as she squeaked in protest, though she was still smiling. They looked so comfortable together, just completely at ease and content with each other …

They were happy. They were certain.

A lump formed in my throat. I strode purposefully onward. Jet and Wave looked at me as I passed by them, but I scarcely noticed - I only had eyes for one person.

"Amy! There you are!" Rouge nearly knocked me over as she threw her arm over my shoulder. "Girls, I found her!"

"We haven't seen you all night!" Tikal cried as she and the others appeared around the corner. "Guess what? Another guy asked for Cream's SnapChat!"

"I didn't give it to him," Cream scrunched up her nose. "He smelled like burnt toast."

"Are you okay?" Blaze asked me, the concern in her voice palpable.

"Have any of you seen Sonic?" I asked, anxiously looking around the room - but the lights were disorienting, and that was without the drinks I'd had. Cosmo said something, but the music was too loud -

Hey, you there

Can we take it to the next level

Baby, do you dare?

"What?"

"He said goodbye to me and Tails a few minutes ago. He said he was tired."

My heart sank in my chest. No. No no no, fuck - I'd been so stupid. Why hadn't I talked to him when I had the chance?

'Cause here I am

I'm giving all I can

But all you ever do is mess it up

Yeah, I'm right here

I'm trying to make it clear

That getting half of you, just ain't enough

"If it's urgent you can still catch him - he headed towards the back!" Cosmo suggested. I didn't listen to the other's questions - I just tore through the crowd, too distracted to worry about stepping on feet or bumping into anyone. I was scanning every face, trying to find it. I knew I could manage it, even in the dark. Every feature of his face was permanently etched into my brain. I saw it first thing in the morning and last thing before I went to sleep at night. I'd seen him laughing at jokes at the cafeteria table, seen his face screwed up in concentration on the track field, and one eyebrow raised cockily when talking back to a teacher. I'd seen him smile - countless times in countless ways; small polite smiles, playful smirks, genuine face-breaking grins. I'd seen him twist his features into an ugly grimace as he growled and played the Dread Pirate Jones, eyes shining with glee. I'd seen him soft and serious, resolved to do whatever he could to help his friends. I'd seen him sad. I'd seen him on the brink of tears. I'd seen him broken up and had yearned to reach out and try to help put him back together.

There he was.

His back was turned to me. He was talking to someone - Nicole. Probably wishing her a happy birthday before he left. She looked a little awkward, like there was something else going on … but he was her best-friend's ex. That made sense. I stood, hovering behind them, and they parted ways - Nicole back into the crowd, and Sonic out the glass doors, out onto the veranda.

"Sonic - wait!" I cried, following him out into the dark. The only source of light in the back garden were the strands of fairy-lights, hung artfully among the branches of the ornamental little trees. There didn't seem to be anyone else outside, not at this side of the house. I shivered and pulled Maria's jacket tighter around me - armor.

What am I doing here?

Sonic was standing with his back to me, looking down at his phone. He seemed to sense a presence, because he turned around - he clearly hadn't expected to see me. His eyes widened and he nearly dropped his phone in his haste to stuff it into his pocket.

"Amy - it's uh, hey."

"Hey," I echoed.

An uncomfortable silence settled between the two of us. He was avoiding my eyes, and I was avoiding meeting his. My heart was beating faster than it ever had and I tried to pull the words together, to say whatever it was I'd been planning on saying but -

What did I want to say?

I'm sorry.

It's not you, it's me.

I don't want to ruin things.

I have a crush on you.

I got scared.

You're my best friend.

Let's pretend this never happened.

I can't let you go.

I like you.

No.

I love you.

I love you. I love you. It was the first time I'd let the phrase enter my brain without immediately shutting it down - but it rose up above everything else, drowning out the sound of every other thought and idea, until it was the one quintessential truth. It was crazy - it was so so crazy. We hadn't even kissed. That didn't make sense, right?

But who said it had to?

I opened my mouth - but no words came out. I tried again, but there were so many emotions stirring around inside me, I couldn't connect them with what was happening in my head. Not to mention that looking at him made my heart ache.

It didn't stop me from doing it - and instantly a wave of nausea hit me. His eyes were steely, his jaw clenched, his lip a firm line.

"Sonic?"

"Oh, so you're talking to me now," he said. "Nice."

It stung. But I deserved it. Still, at least I knew where to start.

"I'm sorry," I said. I winced at how shaky my voice sounded, but I was barely holding myself together; I was afraid that everything would come spilling out of me. "It was really stupid of me to block you - it was really rude and immature."

He stuck his hands into his pockets and shrugged. "S'alright," he muttered, not looking at me. My chest tightened.

"Can we- can we talk, though?" I asked, my voice coming out small. He's so mad at me.

"Sure. Is it about the project?"

He sounded so much like he was trying to be casual that I felt a surge of annoyance. "No, I don't want to talk about the project Sonic, I - " I swallowed, trying hard not to cry. "That's not why I came here. I wanted to - "

"Amy, it's fine, okay?" he snapped. "Can we please - can we please just forget about it? I don't want to - "

"Why not?"

Does he just want us to be friends after all? Was it just a mistake?

"Because," he said, raking a hand through his quills - and I suddenly saw the mask slip, saw the stricken look on his face. "Because I feel like an idiot. I've always - I've always been so careful, because I told myself that nothing good could come from feeling like this. But I let myself think - I let myself believe - everyone kept saying I should tell you, and I started to think - "

"But you don't - I mean, do you - ?"

"Amy," he said slowly. "Isn't it kind of obvious by now? Especially after what happened last weekend, I … you …"

I didn't dare speak. I didn't dare move. He was trying to say something, to get the words out, so everything would be out in the open between us. But he was struggling, his hands shaking by his sides …

And suddenly everything fell into place. I thought I'd seen him before, but this was a revelation. I thought of the trauma of his father's infidelity, his parents divorce, the way he'd struggled to deal with his emotions so he channelled them into running … which then became a crutch. The pressure he put on himself to be happy-go-lucky and there for everyone, to be a hero, even when he was hurting. The way he pulled back from me, closed himself up and retreated into himself because he was scared of how vulnerable he had been around me. That I could relate to. How many times had I done the same thing, let my head take the lead even though my heart instinctively wanted to do otherwise?

Listen to me the voice said, rearing its head - but I didn't want to. Not right now. Sally was right - we were already ruining our friendship this way, living too much inside of our heads.

"If you - " his voice cracked, causing him to flush and try to cover it with a cough. It didn't work, because his voice came out even more strained and when he looked at me I couldn't breathe, because his green eyes were shiny with unshed tears.

Oh Sonic, Sonic, Sonic.

I could picture his breakup with Sally. She'd probably told him something of my feelings for him - something had to act as the catalyst for him to finally muster up his courage … and what had I done in response? Shut him down. Shut him out.

How had that made him feel?

"If you don't like me like that," he said shakily, as my heart splintered into pieces. "The way I - the way that I like you. You could have just told me. Okay?" he paused. "Amy?"

"You like me," I said, my voice light. It was strange that I didn't feel much of anything - no fireworks, no roller-coaster rush. Just the faintest glow that spread over my body and seemed to solidify into certainty. Because I'd known on some level, hadn't I? Deep down, I must have always known.

I'd never believed in soulmates, but the moments our eyes met across that cafeteria table there had been something - some flicker of recognition, oh there you are. I'd chalked it up to pheromones or my hopeless-romantic streak that wanted life to be like a movie. But had he felt it to?

Something flickered in his eyes - some hint at something unspoken and he managed to nod. "Yes, I - for ages now." he rubbed the side of his head, embarrassed. At that moment, in that gesture - I'd never wanted anything else as much. It was like he was some missing piece of me.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

"But it doesn't matter, or I mean - I'm sorry. We can forget it, I shouldn't have - "

He never got to tell me what he shouldn't have done; his mouth was open, the words ready when I closed the gap between us, our eyes meeting for the briefest instant before our lips finally collided.


So you finally got a kiss - but of course, it had to wait until the penultimate chapter (not including the bonus one or the epilogue - the former of which will be up this weekend, so you'll have to deal with this cliffhanger for just a little longer.)

The next chapter is going to be long. But it's also the one I've been waiting to write the most, the one that I think about in the shower, the one that I have been most looking forward to write. I planned on extending this one a little, but I was too tempted by the prospect of leaving you all hanging (and I had a few minor setbacks in the form of a faulty internet connection and a three-hour long mandatory guest lecture over zoom where I had to keep my camera on the whole time, during the time of day that I usually write at.)

As for Sally … who knows what's up with her? A few people have guessed at various points during the reviews, but all will be made officially clear. I think that she and Silver are possibly my favourite characters in this story, aha. Though Silver is one of my favourite characters in the franchise, so I'm biased in that regard.

Thank you to all my reviewers, especially the Guest accounts who I cannot respond to - Guest, Ana, Clementine, Jane Lane, Bunnie. The reviews truly make my day!

Also yes, for those asking, I am genericprofilename on AO3. I also used that username on wattpad, though I only have two one-shots up, neither which are to do with Sonic. One is for the anime, Shugo Chara! and the other is for the TV series Once Upon a Time if any of my readers happen to engage with those fandoms!)

Happy early Valentine's day!

Starry xxx