Blood Bonds
Chapter Ten Part 1
The reason we keep going
'Love is used not only as a constituent in moods and affairs, but also as the raw material from which relationships produce hour-later exasperations, regrettably fashioned restrictions, riddles laced with affections known only to the loving couple, and looks that linger too long. Love is also an often-used ingredient in some transparent verbal and nonverbal transactions where, eventually, it can sometimes be converted to a variety of true devotions, some of which yield tough, insoluble, and infusible unions. In its basic form, love supplies approximately thirteen draughts of all energy that is derived from relationships. Its role and value in society at large are controversial.'
The Thirty-Six Lessons of Vivec
Even if Louise didn't fully understand what Isabella's maids were, she'd come to recognize them for the unnerving cheerfulness that followed them around like a glittery cloud of miasma. It wasn't just that they were happy, but perfectly content with their place in the world, whatever that was. They knew their purpose and that was it. They were like loyal dogs in that regard.
Now that cheerfulness was gone.
As Louise searched for Kirche she walked past a maid who was scrubbing the floor as if in a trance. The rag she used had been shredded to ribbons and her hands were bleeding. Another sat in a corner, knees pressed against her chest as she stared off into the void. And a third took to her job hacking the limp remains of ghouls with vicious glee, only pausing to shuffle the pieces off to the side so they could be carted away.
They were hurt. Broken. Wounded in such a way they hadn't experienced before.
A way Louise understood well.
She didn't envy the one who would try to put them back together.
And speaking of putting people back together, finding Kirche proved to be a simple task. Even if she hadn't told Louise where she was going, she could guess.
Following the sound of cursing and bottles being uncorked, Louise walked into the cellar just in time to see Kirche snatching a bottle out of a maid's grasp and taking a sip directly from it.
"Oh, that's the good stuff!" she gasped in joy. "Hey, Louise! How have you been?"
Louise saw several fallen bottles down at her feet, their contents pouring into puddles of alcohol. "Are you drunk?"
"No." Kirche leaned against a wall, and with a sonorous 'pop' she took another sip. "I was just taste-testing these ones until I found one I liked." She gestured at the floor. "And I'd need several more of these to even feel tipsy." Her eyes fell on the bottle and then on the maid who was busy cleaning the floor. "Hey, how many more of these do you have?"
The girl flinched at the abrupt question. "Three boxes, my lady."
"Well, what are you waiting for? Bring them in!" Kirche went to take another sip but found the neck of the bottle covered by Louise's hand. "Hey, what gives?"
"I'm not letting you drink yourself to death."
Kirche scowled like a child being told that she couldn't have more candy, "Oh, please! Don't be a spoilsport." She shook off Louise's grip and turned the bottle in her direction. "If you tried you'd know how fun it is! Come, share some with me and forget all your problems for a night."
If only that was so easy.
"Forgetting them doesn't make them go away."
"No but it does help me sleep like a baby."
"You mean that you wake up screaming every couple hours?"
"Oh, what would you-" Realizing what she was about to say, Kirche stopped herself, turning her eyes away in shame. "Ah-"
"Go on. What were you about to say?" Louise challenged her. Once again, Kirche hadn't thought before opening her big mouth. She had tried to ignore the faux pas, but there was always a limit. "You know which ones were the true nightmares? The one where I was back. The ones where I dreamed about being home, next to a fire and enjoying good food. Then I woke up and realized it was all a lie. I was alone, in the middle of some forgotten cave, freezing to death not knowing if I'd ever see my family again."
There was a moment of uncomfortable silence while Kirche scrambled for something to say, still unwilling to look at Louise in the eyes. "Have you ever thought about what you'd do if given the chance to start over? Would you still have gone to the Academy? Still perform the summoning ritual?"
Louise sighed, and took a seat next to Kirche. "Many times," she said, sounding far older than she actually was. There had been so many sleepless nights thinking of home and family, of what she'd lost and mistakes she had committed. But also of all that she had gained. "And each of them, I reach the same conclusion: I'd do everything exactly the same. It hurt. I cried. But I survived. I achieved something when I went to Nirn. I became better than I was." She wouldn't dare to change things. Not when changing meant losing something she now treasured. Be it the power she now had or the people she had met. "And if I had stayed at the Academy we'd still be at each other's throats, arguing about stupid, petty things. I, for one, appreciate having gotten to know you."
"Thank you." Kirche throwing an arm over Louise's shoulders. Louise let it happen, enjoying the contact. It had been years since she was last touched by someone in such a comforting, casual way. She wished Serana would've been more open to that. "It means a lot that you're willing to put up with my antics." Kirche smiled. "So, was an elf your grandma or something?"
Louise pinched the bridge of her nose, not letting those antics ruin the moment. "You heard what Urbat said."
"Everyone did. I think. I just don't think they fully believed her."
"'It', Kirche." Louise corrected her. "That thing was an 'it'. And I'll tell you what I told Urbat: I don't care. I don't care about what plans all those long-dead people had. The Void is mine, now. I won't be manipulated, so worrying about it is utterly useless."
"Useless," Kirche repeated, the sound of her voice accompanied by the trembling of her body. "As useless as I was back there, right?"
"Kirche-"
"Come on, you can say that." Sorrow invaded her face. "I didn't do anything! I froze up and had to be saved by everyone else." Her voice broke and the bottle finally hit the floor. The wine flowed as freely as Kirche's tears. "It's not fair."
Louise took Kirche's head and let it rest over her shoulder. "Nothing about our lives was ever fair."
"I know!" Kirche shouted almost in Louise's ear. "But I thought this would be different. I thought we'd get a happy ending."
"What did you expect when you came with me?"
"I was expecting fun and adventure! Fighting monsters, clearing bandits hideouts, maybe uncovering some long lost treasure!"
Louise gave her a flat look. "We did that. All of that."
It took Kirche a moment to reply, "Yeah. Yeah, you're right. But I didn't enjoy it."
A memory flashed through Louise's mind. One of a wizard trying to console a lost girl in a foreign land. "Were you expecting this to go like in a book?"
"Maybe? I don't know. Books are very... clean?"
Louise herself had used that same description long ago. "A book has to make sense or people won't like it. But life doesn't need to. Life is messy and confusing." Last time Louise had been the one to receive those words. "Do you regret coming with me?"
"I don't know." Kirche shook her head. "But if we hadn't come, Founder only knows what would have happened. If we hadn't been here to help, Charlotte and the others- I don't want to think about it."
For Louise, Kirche had always been intimidating. An overbearing presence that dominated all that surrounded her like a wild spark of energy.
That illusion had started cracking since her return, and now it had finally shattered.
She looked so fragile. So small. It was uncanny how much of herself Louise found reflected in Kirche. "Want me to tell you something? You're one of the most courageous people I know."
Kirche pulled back, staring back at Louise in disbelief through tear-filled eyes. "Okay, now you're full of shit."
"It's the truth." She shrugged. "You're always ready to do something different, to test something new. And even when you know you're wrong, you keep going on without even batting an eye. I could never do that. You're the kind of person who'd try to argue with a dragon that he is really a bunny. And you may even succeed through sheer stubbornness."
"There's a difference between courage and not caring. And I'm not sure if that last one was a compliment or not."
"It was. And what I'm trying to say with this is that I never saw you turn away from a challenge, and I don't want you to start now. And I'm not saying this just because I don't want you to leave."
Kirche's lips cracked into a smile. "See? No one can resist my charms for long."
"No, I guess not," Louise replied with a chuckle. "You know? This reminds me of a talk I had with Farengar once."
"The court wizard?"
Louise smiled. It was nice to know that Kirche had paid attention to her stories.
"The very same. We had ventured into the ruins of Bleak Fall Barrows searching for clues about the returning dragons." A chill ran down Louise's back. Even after so long, that place still filled her heart with fear like a ghost she had yet to exorcise. "That was the first time I had a taste of what being an adventurer was truly like." The echo of their boots through the empty corridors. The distant sound of opening caskets. "The two of us fought through an army of undead until we reached the final chamber where the Dragon Priest rested. A lich that was as powerful as it was ancient."
"Sounds familiar."
Louise ignored Kirche's comment and just kept talking. "We couldn't fight the undead. There were too many." Fire. Arrows. Her explosions had proved to be highly effective. At least against the lesser ones. "We had to flee and lock ourselves in a side corridor. It's a place I revisited for years in my mind. What if the Draugr had broken through the door? What if there hadn't been a way out and we had starved to death? And that blasted sound! The click of their bones against the floor! I can still remember it." Louise placed a hand against her chest, realizing just then how fast her heart was beating.
Kirche cocked her head to the side. "Was that why you were so angry down there?"
Louise snorted. It was easy to forget how insightful Kirche could be. "For a moment, while we were searching for Urbat's lair, I felt as if I was back in that place." She closed her hands into fists, "But I wasn't a little girl anymore, and when matched against an army of those things, well, you saw who won, didn't you? I put an end to the infernal clicking." She looked down at the bottle that still hung from Kirche's grip. "You know what? I think I'll drink some of that wine."
"And you know what else?" Kirche bawled, leaning back and forth trying to keep her balance. "Fuck those guys that don't take a bath before having sex. It's disgusting!" She emptied another glass. "And why do they insist we shave when they don't? Can't they, I don't know, put in a little bit of effort too?"
Louise snorted, smirking at Kirche's ranting. "I knew a cat-man once. Khajiit. Covered head to toe in fur."
"What? How am I supposed to enjoy foreplay with that? I can already see myself spitting furballs five minutes in."
"Try just being in the same room. Arrogant dick!"
"Remind you of someone?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about." Louise looked down, rolling the empty glass between her hands. "But I'm being too mean. J'zargo did save my life half a dozen times and I own him a lot despite how much I want to punch him. He's like my mother in that regard. You know what? Yes! Fuck my mother!"
"Yeah!" Kirche raised her arms into the air as she cheered, "I'd totally fuck Karin! It'd be the last thing I ever did, but have you seen her rack?"
"You should see my sister's. Or better not. I can't think of anything worse than you and Cattleya ending up together," Louise tried to get another sip and pouted when she realized that the glass was empty. Tossing it aside, she pushed herself up and crawled towards Kirche with a smile as crooked as her posture, "Hey, hey! Let's do it!"
Kirche cocked her head to the side, "Do what?"
"Let's fuck!" Louise declared, "Like rabbits! Or like, I don't know, some other thing that likes to fuck a lot. Like a chaurus? No, they aren't cute. But they do make some great pies!"
Kirche blinked in surprise. This was happening, wasn't it? Louise had finally given in. This was the thing she had been hoping for so long!
Then why wasn't she just saying yes? "Louise, you're drunk."
"Well, duh! That was the entire point! Or are you going to tell me you never filled a boy with alcohol to get him into your pants?"
"It sounds awful when you put it like that," But it was the truth, wasn't it? She had waited until they couldn't think straight to do with them as she pleased. "Do you want to do it with me?"
"Of course not, but who the fuck cares?" Louise dramatically stood up and that's when everything went wrong as her face turned a sickly shade of green, "I just- I just- oh, crap-" Her stomach growled in protest.
Realizing what was happening, Kirche rushed to her side and led her to an open window. Kirche patted her back while Louise emptied the content of her stomach.
"Here," Kirche offered a glass that Louise greedily snatched out of her grip, but after one sip she spat it out.
"This is just water!"
"Yeah, I know." Placing her hand underneath the glass Kirche forced Louise to drink it. "Now wash your mouth and spit. You should count yourself lucky, you know? I never stayed with anyone after they vomited on me." She looked down at her shirt that had been stained in the process. "It's never sexy after that. You'll be the first."
"Yay me." Louise raised her fists, her words coated with exhaustion.
"Let me help you." Putting her arms under Louise's armpits, Kirche led her to their room.
"Ugh, my everything hurts." Louise complained as she forced one foot in front of the other. "Hey, Kirche? I lied to you. About redoing all this. There's one thing I'd make different. If Serana asked me again if I wanted the divorce, I'd tell her no."
"You- you what? You were married? And why did you agree to the divorce in the first place?"
"Because I'm a coward."
Of all the stupid things Kirche had heard Louise say over the year they had known each other, that might have been the worst. "You are a lot of things, but a coward? Not with the way you face monsters that would make most people crap their pants!"
Louise looked down at the ground with a sad smile on her face. "It's easy when you don't mind dying. Because death? Death is a liberation."
A knot formed in Kirche's stomach. "No, it isn't. It never is."
Step by step the two marched on. Reaching their room, Kirche opened the door and eased Louise into her bed. The moment the Tristanian touched the pillow, she fell asleep.
Looking at her like that, it was hard to believe that this same person had been carving through hordes of undead just hours ago. She looked so peaceful.
Kirche wondered if Louise ever realized that, after Kirche herself, she was considered one of the most beautiful girls at the Academy. But Louise put no value on herself. Her beauty and intelligence were worthless if she couldn't use them to serve those she loved.
Kirche had found that existence incredibly sad, but she couldn't negate that it had given Louise a sense of purpose that was missing from Kirche's life.
What an interesting dichotomy. They were truly like two sides of the same coin.
Courage and cowardice? Those words meant nothing to Kirche. For her, life wasn't about great quests, about loyalty, or honor. It was about passion. Life was there to be enjoyed by following her desires to wherever they may lead. For years she had lived like that, safe in the certainty that hers was the road that would lead to- no. She knew that her way would never lead to happiness, but at least it would delay misery for as long as she could.
Like drinking herself into unconsciousness so she could sleep, ignoring the problems that would plague her after waking up. But now she couldn't run away anymore and all the misery she'd been fleeing from was finally catching up.
Ever since arriving in that city, she had seen a dark, ugly side of reality that she wasn't comfortable with.
She had seen gluttons gorging themselves on the lives of innocents, ravaging everything they touched and spreading misery to get more.
She had seen murderers laughing while covered in the blood of their victims.
And she had seen monsters that toyed with the lives of people as if they were worth less than the air they breathed. And all the time killing who they must to ensure their way of life remained undisturbed.
Kirche couldn't stop thinking: wasn't she the same? Hadn't she displayed the same level of disdain for the lives of others that Urbat had?
For Urbat, humans were nothing more than toys. She had played with Odette, Lucina, and who knew how many others for her own amusement.
Just like Kirche had treated her lovers. Fleeting amusements to be enjoyed and then discarded.
If some months ago, someone had approached her promising powers like Urbat's, would she have accepted?
She feared she would have.
A sound brought her attention to the bed where Louise mumbled something in her sleep. Kirche swept a lock of pink hair to look at her face.
Well, screw all that! She had found new passions during her adventure with Louise. New sources of strength that she didn't know were possible.
She would make them her own, and she'd do something better with that.
Montmorency toyed with the edge of her teacup. One of the few that had survived. It was funny, in a way, to think about the monsters charging in to destroy the crockery. The image brought a smile to her face.
At least her room had been spared, together with her dresses. For whatever worth they were.
It was way past midnight, but after the events of the day, she couldn't sleep. Far too many memories and grim images had spun around her head, keeping her from sweet slumber. That was why Carmen had dragged her to one of the balconies on the second floor, away from the remains of the battle.
A battle she should not have been part of.
"I just don't know for how long I can keep up like this," Montmorency admitted.
Across her table, Carmen took a sip from her own cup. "Have you considered leaving him? Guiche's just a third son, so I don't think your family will mind if you make yourself available again."
No, they wouldn't. Despite her family's precarious economical situation, it wasn't like she'd be short of suitors wanting easy access to their alchemical knowledge, "I have. I don't want to."
Carmen put her cup down, pinning Montmorency with a look, "Do you really want to stay with him? Or are you just afraid of losing this chance?" Her words stung harder than the noble let show. "What attracted you to him in the first place?"
Looking down at her cup, Montmorency considered the question. "Have you seen him with his mole?" She finally said. "He can be such a goofball. I like the way he grooms it, bathes it and calls it names."
"That can't be all. You two got engaged before he summoned his familiar."
Montmorency nodded, thinking hard about what to say next. "I never considered myself an attractive woman. My forehead is too big, my breasts are small, and my arms are too thin. Guiche didn't care and still flirted with me."
"With you and several other girls, from what you told me. And he did so while you two were still dating."
That had hurt. And it had been one of the main reasons why she had been angry with Vallière for so long. As stupid as it had been, she had been part of the reason why Guiche's cheating had been revealed. Why Montmorency's illusion of perfection had shattered. "Yeah. That was painful. But he hasn't done that again. I don't know if he truly has changed or he has simply been too busy with this entire Reconquista business."
Carmen tapped the edge of her chin. "In his defense, I'll say I didn't see him flirting with any of the girls at the Charming Fairies Inn."
Montmorency had been terrified when Guiche was ordered to work there. Those girls were beautiful, and their dresses were intended to turn men's brains into mush. And yet, Guiche had remained professional around them. "Ever since the battle for Tarbes- no, even before that. Since he helped Vallière recover the artifacts stolen from the Academy, he has been different. I never saw him so focused, so determined to see something to completion. And he's so brave! The way he keeps charging into danger reminds me of a knight from a story. One of those where the brave knight sweeps the maiden out her feet and the two ride together into the horizon."
"Real life rarely has happy endings like that."
With a sad smile, Montmorency nodded, "I know that now. He first got hurt in Tarbes when following Vallière. Then again while leading her Majesty's troops." She had followed Henrietta's medical corps to stay close to him, to make sure to do everything in her power to bring him back home. "Now here, against that thing. And he just keeps going! Doesn't he see how dangerous it is? What if the next time he doesn't survive? I want to have children with him, but I don't want to be the one to tell them that their father got himself killed in some stupid adventure!"
The day after the battle, letters had been delivered to the soldiers, written by their families back home asking how they were doing. There was so much joy when someone found out they had mail, and frustration when they didn't.
But then there were those that had died in battle. Those got their letters put aside, their seals intact to be sent back.
She couldn't stop thinking about those fathers, sons, and wives who had written those letters, thinking of their loved ones fighting so far away. And then the crushing realization when the letter returned unopened.
"You love him for his commitment to duty, but you don't want it to overshadow his commitment to you," As always, Carmen had a way to explain Montmorency's turmoil in a few words. "Have you told him how you feel?"
"No. He was so happy when Henrietta recruited him. I don't want to take that away from him."
"Miss Montmorency," Carmen put her palms on the table, her voice turning serious, "A healthy romance isn't built on sacrifice. It's built on mutual commitment. It's admirable that you're willing to give up so much of your personal happiness for Guiche's sake, but not that you're shouldering it all alone. Your feelings, and his contribution, are just as important."
Montmorency was taken aback by the strength behind those words, "Then what should I do?"
"Talk to him and see if he's willing to meet you halfway."
"And if he doesn't want to?"
"Then I suggest you end this relationship before it can hurt you any further."
Montmorency didn't dare to look at Carmen in the eyes. Would it come to that? What if Guiche refused? And if he did, would Montmorency be willing to put an end to what they had?
She was scared of just thinking about it.
Thanking Carmen for her wisdom, Montmorency took her leave. It was time to check how Guiche was doing and to have a talk with him. But first, she stopped in her room. There she changed her clothes and put a coat over her shoulders that hid her body from her neck to her knees. With that done, she went to check on her fiance.
"Wake up, Guiche," She said walking into his room. "Time to change your bandages."
"Hello, my dear." He waved at her from the bed. "I wasn't sleeping."
Montmorency looked him over. He was undressed, with his chest and arms covered in bandages. At least this set remained clean. The previous one had quickly colored red with his blood.
Pulling her wand out, she chanted a spell while running the tip of her fingers over Guiche's ribs. "How are your wounds? Anything that hurts?"
"My ribs still ache a bit."
From what she could tell the broken bones were mending just fine.
Small miracle, that. If a rib had moved slightly to the side and pierced a lung or the heart, he wouldn't have survived.
He had been very lucky so far.
Just some more spells and he should be good as new. "The potions I gave you worked fine but already lost their effect. Just stay still and I'll be done in a moment."
"Thank you, my dear." He said with a stiff smile.
Montmorency frowned. Guiche's words were dim, lacking his normal exuberance. They had known each other for a long time now, and she knew when something was wrong.
"Guiche," She said with a serene but firm voice. "Not only am I your betrothed but also your medic. I need to know what you're thinking about if I'm to help you."
His expression turned grim. He remained quiet for a long time, but Montmorency wasn't going anywhere and so she waited. Eventually, he relented. "Was it my fault? I was the one who invited Urbat here."
After hearing Vallière's story about the sisters' situation, Guiche had thrown himself at the task of finding them and bringing them some solace for the loss of their parents. Just like a hero would.
But it had been all a lie.
Guiche was used, and his good intentions were taken as nothing but a joke to be laughed at by the monster.
"You didn't know," She said, massaging his shoulder. "None of us did."
"If something had happened to you-" He let his face fall on his hands, his lips pressing into a thin line as he fought back tears, "I don't think I could have been able to live with that."
"And what about me?" she asked, voice sharp, "Do you think it'd be any easier for me if you were the one to die?"
"Of course not! I just don't want you to suffer when I can do that instead."
What did he know of suffering? Did he even understand the pain of seeing someone go without knowing if they would meet again? "But I still suffer when you do all this. You make me suffer when you leave me behind, not knowing if you'll survive. And then I suffer again when you return to me like this, covered in wounds that I'm surprised you even survived. It makes me dread the idea of you leaving again." She made a pause, knowing what had to be said next. "I've been suffering ever since you started working for Henrietta."
Guiche's eyes widened, taken aback by her words. "I didn't know." His voice grew quiet as he pressed his fingers together in deep thought. "Then I'll quit!" As hasty to reply as always, "I'll need some time to find a worthy replacement but-"
"Oh, don't be stupid," she interrupted. "I don't want you to be miserable either. One of the reasons I love you is for how brave you are, and I see how much you like this, but does it have to be you the one to always go into danger?"
He closed his eyes. "No, it doesn't. It just feels wrong to send someone else to do what I'm unwilling to do."
That mentality of hard work and courage was worthy of admiration, and yet it was one that Montmorency was trying to break him out of. Was she the one in the wrong here? "Did your father do what you're doing now? Charging at the enemy himself?"
A faint smile drew in his face. "Of course he did. That's how he learnt to be the general he's today."
"Guiche, I didn't learn how to heal by trying to cure heart diseases first! And you don't learn how to swim by jumping into a turbulent ocean and hoping to survive! You barely have any experience fighting against real enemies and yet you thought it was a good idea to go fight a vampire! What were you expecting to happen? If Vallière hadn't been here we all would have died!"
"I thought that Miss Daphne and Miss Amethyst would be enough."
"But then why did you go down there?"
Guiche pressed his hands together, averting his eyes. "Maybe I'd see someone that the others missed, or think about a solution for a problem that was troubling them. One can never know."
Slowly a full picture started forming inside Montmorency's mind. "Those women have decades of experience above you. If the enemy had managed to surprise them, do you really think you could have done better?"
"But Henrietta put them under my charge! They are my responsibility. Going with them was what I was supposed to do!"
Guiche was indeed like a hero of old, with their same virtues and devastating flaws. Why hadn't she seen them before? "Guiche, do you know why I'm healing you?" She asked, holding her wand over his face. "It's not just because I love you, it's because there's no one else here who can do it. But if we had a better medic than me, I'd put you in their hands because getting you healed is the only thing that matters. More so than me being the one to do it." She placed a hand under his chin and turned his head so they could look in the eyes. "Ask yourself what's more important: your mission or your pride."
His eyes widened at what Montmorency had just said, his mouth flapping open and close fighting to articulate words. "You're a cruel mistress, my love," he finally said. "Your words cut deeper than Urbat's clawas did." Then he smiled, taking Montmorency's hand between his. "I knew there was a reason why I loved you so much. When we get back I'll request Queen Henrietta to get a different position. Maybe an administrative one, where I believe I can be of more use. I still believe that my idea of the supply train can work, I just need to work a bit more on it."
Montmorency couldn't hide the joy that showed on her face. "I'm very happy to hear that. And how are your ribs now? Have they stopped hurting?"
"Oh, yes!" Guiche pushed himself up, flexing his arms in a display of strength. "Your divine hands did wonders for my wounds."
That was good. Montmorency wouldn't be comfortable doing what she was about to do otherwise.
"That's what I wanted to hear."
She unbuttoned her tunic and let it fall to the ground.
Guiche's cheeks flared red as he scanned her up and down, his body reacting to the sight.
Underneath the tunic, Montmorency was dressed in the ribbons and frills that the girls of the Charming Fairies Inn had been wearing. Even if Guiche had kept his decorum around them, only a fool wouldn't have noticed the way he looked at them. Before departing for Gallia, Montmorency had approached them and bought a uniform in her size.
She had been saving it for a special occasion.
"You are very beautiful."
Montmorency smiled as he approached Guiche, sealing his lips with hers.
…
A/N: It has been far too long since the last update, and this current one is far too short to make up for it but the second part (there's a reason why this chapter will feel incomplete) is mostly written and should be out in a short time. I have no excuse for why this took so long but I hope to get back on track now.
