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It's strange looking down the street to the old neighbourhood. Rory pauses, biting her lip, before starting to walk. Here it is, all the old houses and buildings, standing in the dingy light. Glancing back, Rory sees Jess following, a slightly concerned look in his eye.
"Hey," Rory says, stopping. "You okay?"
"I'm fine. It feels kind of weird walking down here."
"For me too."
They smile unsurely, starting to walk again until they reach the apartment building. Simultaneously they both stop, staring up, until Rory lets out a shaky exhale.
"Wow."
"Yeah."
The building hasn't changed much from what Rory remembers but it definitely hasn't had any kind of upkeep. The steps leading up are broken, paint peeling off the walls, and Rory can already feel the damp which is doubtlessly inside. Looking up, she sees their window, a torn curtain fluttering, and her heart catches. Her old self out leans out, in her mind's eye, staring out at the city. It's an eon ago but Rory is right there and she jumps as Jess nudges her arm.
"Hey," he says gently and Rory smiles weakly.
"Hey."
"What's going on?"
"Nothing – no, all of it. It's weird being back."
"I came back here," Jess admits, making Rory startle. "Not too long ago."
"You did? You never told me."
"I didn't make it this far. I was in New York with Luke and when he left, I came down here, but it was too weird. I went back before seeing our building."
"Here we are," Rory says. "It's weird seeing it."
"It is," Jess agrees. He smiles, glancing up, and they both jump as the front door opens and a young guy emerges, joint in one hand and the other paused on the door. He looks and Rory and Jess with a frown and, surprising herself, Rory asks, "Can we go in?"
"Sure," the guy answers with a shrug. He lets Rory and Jess in, shoving the joint in his mouth, and they watch as he lights it and strides down the street, not looking back at them. Jess lets out a chuckle.
"Nice security."
"I don't think the lock worked half the time," Rory says with a grin, but it faded as Jess asks, "So we're going in?"
"We don't have to, Jess."
"No, it's fine – just didn't know it was on the agenda."
"I didn't either," Rory admits, "but I want to see it – our old room. I guess I'm kind of curious. It's dumb."
"Not dumb," Jess counters. "Let's go."
They head up the stairs, still entrenched in the odour Rory too clearly remembers, and pause at their old door. Taking a deep breath, Rory knocks on the door, smiling nervously at Jess. They wait, and just as Rory decides no one's actually there, it opens a crack, a young girl inside who bluntly says, "I'm not buying anything."
"No," Rory says quickly. "We're not here to sell you stuff."
"I'm not into Jesus stuff either."
"We used to live here," Jess cuts in, nodding at Rory. "Can we come in for a second, just to see the place?"
The girl frowns but opens the door all the way, turning and walking into the room. As Rory and Jess follow, she remarks, "Don't know why the hell you'd come back here. Happy memories?"
"Something like that," Jess says and the girl stops, looking at them. She tugs at her torn red dress, tattoos marking her wrists, and says, "You can look around if you want, not that there's much to see."
"Thanks," Rory says. The girl nods and then gets distracted by a call of Ana! in the hall outside. Presumably the girl is the owner of the name, as she goes out to meet it and starts talking with the guy in the hall. The voices sound angry but not raised, and Rory lets them fade out as she wanders around the room, glad to be alone. It's as derelict as she remembers yet different. The bed, which has a frame as well as a mattress, is in the opposite corner, and a beaded curtain is strung across the bathroom door. Art is hung at odd angles across the room in order, Rory, figures, to hide holes and damage on the wall as she sees the corner of a painting not entirely covering a patch of damp. Memories crowd her as Rory walks around. There's the corner where she and Jess had their bed, where Rory lost her virginity. There's the kitchen with the tiny sink and counter. There's the table where they'd sit, night after night, talking and reading and drinking coffee. This room is so small and it held Rory's whole life. The hours would stretch out here, the time long, lonely yet together. A tightness takes over her throat as Rory takes the room in and slowly, she walks over to the window and looks out. The view hasn't changed but everything seems so much more desperate than she remembers. Or maybe it was always this desperate, but she and Jess were too young to know. This was their reality.
Jess breaks Rory from her stupor. Stepping beside her at the window, he says gently, "Pretty crazy, huh?"
"It's so small," Rory says with a watery laugh, turning to face him. No wonder Lorelai was so horrified by it. Gesturing wildly around the room, she exclaims, "I can't believe we lived like this! And it was so…"
"I know," Jess says. "Remember how all we ate was sandwiches?"
"Remember? I can still taste them! I can't believe that's what we ate for dinner practically every night!" After that summer, Rory couldn't look at a sandwich for weeks. Her eyes land on the tiny stove, where she remembers messing up the cake for Jess. Most of the time it was turned off – even if they had more food, they didn't want to add to the electricity bill.
"We were really going for the starving artist thing, huh?" Jess comments and Rory snorts.
"Way more fun to read about than experience."
"With you on that."
"But didn't it seem more back then?" Rory asks after a pause. "I know it was hard, I remember it being hard, but it didn't seem so…" she doesn't want to say pathetic but Jess nods.
"I know. Me too."
"I guess we were together," Rory says slowly. "I remember being happy."
Jess answers with a smile and, strangely shy, Rory looks away and starts perusing the place again. Absently, she pushes aside the beaded curtain and her breath catches. The bathroom looks the same, aside from a candle, but Rory is frozen. It all floods back to her, thinking she was pregnant and taking a test and the total, utter panic ricocheting through her body. Jess holding her hand and the dizzying relief at the result being instantly replaced with sadness at knowing it was over, time to go, and it hurt. It hurts now, and Rory can't move. A huge lump is in her throat. She stares blankly into the room and hears Jess say her name, but doesn't answer. Rory jumps as the beads move, Jess at her side, and anxiously he asks, "What's going on?"
Before Rory can answer the door to the apartment swings open and they turn to see Ana looking at them, a frown on her face and hand on her hip. It's obvious that she wants them to leave and, mumbling a thank you, Rory starts to go. The girl's eyes narrow and dart up and down, as though Rory and Jess could have stolen something from the bare room. There is a bong by the bed which Rory sidesteps as she reaches the door.
"Hey," Ana calls after her. "Did you see what you wanted?"
"I don't know," Rory says honestly. "I'm done."
Rory doesn't wait to see her reaction. She hurries down the steps, Jess at her heels, and once outside he takes her hand.
"Rory," he says in concern. "Tell me what's up."
"Nothing," Rory says in a voice that convinces no one, least of all herself. "Everything. That was weird. Being back was weird."
"Weird for me too," Jess says carefully. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," Rory says automatically and then laughs a little. "I will be in a sec. I just…I feel weird."
Silently, they walk up the street. It's getting dark now and Rory's attention is swerved to a sound in a window. Stopping, she sees the café where she used to work. It looks dark but there's life inside.
"I saw this place was still here," Jess says, "when I was here that time."
"Did you go in?"
"No."
"I'm going in."
"Rory…"
"Just for a minute."
Rory pushes open the door. It looks the same, smells the same, and Rory can practically feel the ache in her back and feet from her days here. Without thinking, she slides into an empty booth by the door and Jess does the same, looking at her with concern and curiosity. It feels weird being back here too. A man in his forties sidles up, shirt spattered with the sauces Rory remembers, and asks, "What do you two want?"
Rory has never been here as a customer, not since that day so long ago she asked Maya for a job, and she asks, "Is Maya here?"
"Maya?"
"Does she still work here?"
"No getting rid of Maya," the man chortles in a deep voice. "Her sister's sick and Maya's helping out. She'll be back soon – no keeping Maya from this place. Why?"
"Oh, I worked here a few years ago. I'm Rory."
The guy nods, remarking, "I can tell her you stopped by."
"No," Rory says quietly. It's better this way, somehow. Oddly, she's glad Maya isn't here even if for a sad reason, and adds, "That's okay. I guess I'll have a cola."
"Same," Jess says. The guy nods, returning with two bottles and straws, and after he leaves Jess asks curiously, "How come you didn't want to tell Maya you're here?"
"I don't know," Rory says honestly. "I don't even know why I wanted to see this place again. I think it's better that she isn't here...either she won't remember me, or she will, and it'll be weird. It's better we just remember each other instead."
Jess nods and Rory takes a long sip of soda. She looks at the waitresses rushing around and remarks, "I remember when that was me. I sucked as a waitress."
"Nah."
"Jess, I did," Rory laughs. "Just like I sucked at the cardswiping gig at Yale. I got better after a while but I was hopeless for a long time. Maya would back me up on that."
Rory feels a little sad, for all she said about it being better this way, and after drinking some more says thoughtfully, "It feels like a whole other life."
"It was."
"But it was our life," Rory says, looking Jess in the eye. "We had it together."
Jess nods and, for a moment, Rory thinks about telling him how she felt in the apartment and if he ever thinks about it, that terrible hour where they thought she was pregnant. Rory thinks about it sometimes, but not as clearly as when they were back there, and it makes her sad. The whole thing makes her sad but as Jess looks back Rory loses her courage. She glances down, finishes her drink and simply asks, "Are you ready to head back?"
It's fully dark as they step outside. It's a warm night but Rory feels a little chilled. Squeezing her arms around herself for a moment, she asks, "Do you want to see where you used to work? The restaurant?"
Jess shakes his head, turning to look back down the street. "I don't need to see it."
"You think it'll be weird?"
"Weird…but I don't need to see it, Rory. I remember. I'm ready to go."
"Me too," Rory says quietly. She tries to smile and Jess does too, but they are both a little sober as they start to walk away. The moment between them is strange and heavy and Rory doesn't know how to shake it as they walk into the night.
