Chapter Title "What If This Is All The Love You'll Ever Get?" by Snow Patrol
DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!
"Didn't you change your name when you got married?"
Even the gravestone of her son read: 'Matteo diVarese'. Jay had never heard her being referred to as anything other than 'Rianne Torres' or 'Torres Delgado'.
"Somehow wasn't that important to me. At least not as important as keeping the name everyone I worked with had gotten accustomed to over the years. A name that got me an 'in' with certain groups, a quite common name. Andrea wasn't pushing it. Maybe in hindsight it would have bothered me that I wouldn't have had the same last name as my kid… but I never really got the chance to regret that, did I?"
"Jay? Jay!"
Staring at his computer screen now he caught himself thinking that he would indeed mind what name she carried, if they were married. It surprised Jay how important this little detail seemed to him now that he thought about it. Maybe it was just some stupid illusion, but he loved the idea that everyone could see that she belonged to and with him, to the Halstead family, to his family. That something had changed.
"Jay, are you even listening to me?"
"Am I hurting you by telling you all this? Or... I guess I am really asking: Am I hurting you, full stop?!"
Was he hurt by the things that she had opened up about? Issues, calamities, stories of her past?
Things he wasn't a part of because they hadn't known each other by then. Things she had shared with another man. Was he hurt by the fact that she was still mourning parts of a life without him? He didn't really know.
Jay could recount every word, every single syllable she had used to describe how it had been to loose her child, her little boy. He had been lapping up everything she let him in on:
How at first after the accident everyone had been surprised that there was still a heartbeat, that the baby seemed to be okay. How hopeful she had been for a few hours that some sort of miracle would come off this tragedy. She would have given her all to hold on to this pregnancy. But when Rianne started bleeding out internally in the middle of the night, there had been no other way than to deliver the baby prematurely. In order to save her life they'd had to sacrifice Matteo. Matteo, who's name Andrea and her had already decided upon, who's crib had been assembled, who's clothes for the first months had been bought or gifted to the parents to be. Who's arrival everyone including Rianne and Andrea had been waiting on impatiently. What would he be like? Whom would he resemble more? This little man had been far too little and too fragile to make it. So Rianne had woken up after surgery only to find that she was no longer going to be a mother. Her body broken and empty, her mind completely at a loss as to how she should deal with this. How to pick up the pieces of a life that had been shattered into a million shards in a matter of hours.
Jay found his suspicions confirmed that she'd gotten a lot of her tattoos on her lower body-half in an attempt to cover up the scars from that night. To color them in, make them easier to look at every time she was reminded of how her heart had been crushed two times in a row within less than 24 hours.
"I am so angry with myself! I can't be mourning this all over again! I've been through this. And I feel so fucking selfish because one of the reason this still hurts so much sometimes is because if I at least had Matteo I would have been able to keep Andrea alive somehow. At least some part of him, you know? I sound like a crazy person, but that's how I feel sometimes…"
Truth was he had been patiently waiting for the day she finally told him more about this chapter of her life. He was glad he knew now, he was. Generally he found himself curious about everything she thought and pondered on in silence, wether in her darkest or brightest hours.
Nevertheless he hadn't expected to feel this little splinter of jealousy sticking with him in an odd way.
Andrea was a ghost that had walked with them from the very beginning of their relationship. A ghost that especially walked with Rianne through her every-day, came and went unannounced. Jay had known that before, he accepted it and most of the time it didn't bother him, because he too had ghosts that accompanied them from time to time. Ghosts of people that weren't even all dead. But it never had been as evident and tangible as last night: He could only ever be a spectator of her past, read up on it as far as she would let him, but he could only go so far with her. There would always be parts that belonged to another world.
And with her there would always be this big "what if" of something:
Something he felt out of his depth about. Something he couldn't even imagine what it felt like, because he hadn't had the chance to experience that yet. Something meaningful, something she had been looking forward to with another man before him. Something he wasn't sure he could ever give her and if she would ever be ready for again: Creating a new life, bringing a new human into this world. Honestly he didn't really know what it felt like to be married! Like not LasVegasDrunkMarried, but married-married, almost ten years of relationship married.
"Jay!" Someone shook his arm now forcefully.
He hadn't noticed that he had completely spaced out, lost in his thoughts about last night and everything it had stirred up.
Maybe Hailey had been calling out to him before, seen as she gave him a puzzled look from where she was hovering over his desk. Jay quickly blinked his eyes at his surroundings, facing her fully, trying to look alert:
"Sorry, what?"
"I asked if you wanna go for lunch, get a break! You good?"
"Yeah, I'm good… Just… didn't catch much sleep last night…"
When he saw her forehead turn into worried frown-lines he added: "Not like you think, it was because …"
She was probably thinking that he'd been having trouble sleeping again. That he was still not doing okay.
Jay would have wanted to elaborate and explain it to Hailey, but then he didn't know how and what exactly was appropriate to say without betraying Rianne's trust.
Certainly not:
'I am tired because I spend last night in a graveyard with my girlfriend talking about the loss of her child and then watched her sleep until dawn because I was worried about her and now I am trying to prepare myself for whatever this means for us in the future!'
Seen as he suspected Hailey still wasn't a big fan of Rianne, or maybe just not a big fan of him and Rianne being together, or him being in a relationships and spending less time with his unit off-work, less time with her as his friend and partner, he kept the reason behind his tiredness and distraction to himself.
Trying to snap out of his thoughts he got up from behind his desk, put on his jacket and beanie and nodded at Hailey:
"Actually I'm starving, let's go get that lunch!"
Jay was glad that she just let it go and followed suit.
"We're two perfect messes, aren't we?"
Rianne's words still echoed in his ear when Hailey and him clattered down the stairs.
Words she'd uttered as they had been sitting in his truck after visiting Matteo's grave, wipers swiping away the driving sleet that kept falling. She with her bright red knitted headband covered in icy snowflakes, cheeks and the tip of her nose rosy, summer freckles paling on her winter skin, long lashes wet from their time outside and some tears.
Jay would never stop losing his breath whenever he found her looking back at him with that vulnerability, with that little smile that could hide so much pain not many suspected was there. She always wanted to appear strong and as if she couldn't be hurt by anyone, but Jay knew that wasn't true at all. There was so much fierceness and tenderness inside her at the same time, nothing in between.
Those raw emotions shared with her over the last couple of months had completely changed the way his heart beat. He found he couldn't unlove her, not now, possibly not ever. Whatever baggage they were unpacking together, however much it was making his skin itch and his head spin. Sometimes it terrified him to realize what he was willing to do for her.
"Here's your key back. Successfully raided my own boxes in your closet and got the cat settled in!" Rianne handed Stella back her belongings.
Then she glanced around at the well-packed Saturday night Molly's scenery, almost not able to believe that the day was finally here to drink to the beginning of her vacation.
Rianne had successfully made it through the rest of the week, happy it was done, but seriously beat. She'd been clearing a whole lot of paperwork from off her desk yesterday, got another social worker assigned to Sara's case asap, went last-minute gift shopping today and had just taken Límon to Stella and Severide's place so that the cat could get accustomed to his part-time holiday vacation home. Also she had collected some of her summer-clothes that her friend had stored away for her.
"Wouldn't have needed the key though. Casey was home and Brett too. Looked like I interrupted something there. Did anything happen you didn't tell me about?"
Those two kept being the number one 'slow burn question-mark' couple in their orbit. Stella and Rianne had bets going on when something would actually transpire and who would be the one to make the first move.
"Nope, not that I know of. Same old chummy friends with no hidden agenda as usual…" Stella rolled her eyes to the ceiling in sarcasm, placing a glass of red wine in front of Rianne.
"But Brett's recently gotten a letter from her birth-mum, so maybe that's what she went to talk to Casey about."
"Oh, wow, this is huge!" Rianne exclaimed, letting this new information sink in.
"Yeah, tell me about it."
This wasn't a good time to be chatting, because Stella had to keep moving up and down the bar to take orders and deliver them. She was a little swamped. Seeing as she had a better chance to keep talking to her friend if she was behind the bar too, Rianne offered to help out for a while although being dead on her feet.
They worked in sync, side by side, until things slowed down and they could get back to a relaxed work-and-talk-mode.
"Did you see the enormous Christmas tree in our living-room?" Stella beamed at Rianne from over the beer pump.
"Most definitely! I must say I was a little jealous. Perfect spot to leave my presents for you guys though. Who's idea was it?"
"Actually Kelly's. Can you believe it? He said to mark the occasion of our first Christmas living together…"
Stella's face lit up and Rianne felt her insides go all warm and mushy too. It was nice to see her friend so happy.
"Uh, look at Severide trying to get into your good graces…," Rianne raised her own glass at Stella and took a long sip, somehow wishing she was having this drink at her father's in Argentina already.
Now that the time was here she really just wanted to pack up and leave, hating to have to go through all these good-byes. It felt like dragging out the ambivalence she felt to leave all her favorite people at the most magical time of the year by talking about how they would spent their holidays. Rianne would have loved to stay and get cosy, the cold weather conditions perfect for just snuggling up, press pause, enjoy the spirit and get into the mood with some free time on her hands. She hadn't really figured out why she had never managed to bail and just stay in Chicago, go against Torres family traditions. It wasn't as if she did what her family expected of her throughout the rest of the year, so maybe this was something she felt she owed to her abuela somehow: At least come home for Christmas.
"I wish you wouldn't leave for almost two weeks right now!" It was as if Stella had somehow read her thoughts.
"Maybe one day… one year we can manage a 'FriendsMas', not only 'Friendsgiving'."
With no family of her own this was what Stella had been talking about ever since they'd befriended each other. In a way it was what she and her firehouse friends did every time they were on shift over the holidays. But Rianne knew this was not what Stella was talking and dreaming about in her heart of hearts:
"Would be nice don't you think? All of us loved-up couples… having a big party here at Molly's… drinking, dancing, exchanging Secret Santa gifts… Cooking a big dinner, doing all those lovely decorations together, go out sleigh riding with everyone on Cricket Hill or Soldier Field, take some mulled wine with... I would love it!"
Her friend was thinking about kids running around too at one point. She was glad Stella didn't say that out loud though, respecting her feelings on the topic, especially after last week. They'd been talking a lot over the phone about what happened with Sara and Kim.
In the face of everything that had transpired over the last days, really the last weeks, Rianne was finding herself in a different mood every day. A mixture of very happy and excited for things to come and then again sorting through feelings and emotions that were trying to fight their way to the surface again that weren't all that pleasant. A little wistful, reflective spirit wasn't uncommon for her at the end of the year. So maybe a clean break and a change of scenery wasn't so bad after all, although she knew she was taking herself with her everywhere she went.
"Your freckled-faced angle coming here tonight?"
Rianne smiled to herself hearing Stella call Jay that. She had come up with that endearment in front of him a few times and it was driving Jay nuts. He kept protesting that he wasn't anything remotely close to an angel. Honestly that word didn't really come to Rianne's mind when she thought about Jay. To her he was a heady combination of a savage and a gentleman with the ability to make her feel safe and calm as well as excited and very alert. But Stella was convinced otherwise.
"I don't think so. They're still in the middle of a case I hope he stays out of as of tomorrow!" Her face turned serious, a thought implanting itself in her head she hadn't been able to shake for a few hours:
"I'm afraid he's getting cold feet."
Stella pushed her curls out of her face and tapped her forehead:
"Sweetie, that man went to a cemetery with you in the middle of the night without batting an eye! Why would you think he's getting cold feet?"
That evening when they had left the hospital Rianne had been able to blend out her spiraling thoughts with the help of some whiskey laced tea, some boring documentary on tv and Jay's arms tightened around her, only to find herself antsy and wide awake a few hours later.
In the past Rianne had found that whenever a monster-wave of sadness and grief washed over her, her inner instinct was to frantically swim up to the surface and try to get to the shore under any circumstances. Keep swimming, don't drown. Not ever again did she want to be held down by depression. There was no way she was going to lay staring at the ceiling, thoughts and feelings swirling around uncontrolled, waiting for it to pass. Rianne had to actively do something, face her grief that was waving at her from afar like a well-known acquaintance.
Jay had instantly caught on to her agitated state and she had just loved him for putting on some clothes as soon as she had told him what she wanted to do, taking his gun and badge for good measure and getting them in his truck. No discussion, not questions asked, just knowing that if she invited him to come along it was enough for him to trust her that she needed to do this now.
"I don't know, I just hope I didn't lean on him too heavily!"
After pouring her heart out to him in the dark, in terrible weather, letting him in on things revolving around the loss of her child that she hadn't told him about until now, that she might have never shared with anyone else before, Jay had gotten her home and back to bed again. He had been holding her so tight that she couldn't move and when her body began to struggle against these boundaries when first drifting off to sleep, he wouldn't let go until she had kind of exhausted herself. Until she could let go because she rested assured in the knowledge that nothing could harm her as long as he had her close to his heart. That feeling of being curled up in his arms, the soft caress of his breath in her neck, the steady rise and fall of his chest pressed against her back, she couldn't even begin to describe how much this felt like home already. He would keep the demons away from her. He would help her bury her darkest secrets and thoughts and not judge so it seemed.
Maybe it wasn't exactly cold feet, but something was definitely up.
Jay had been a little distracted yesterday when Rianne had told him that he wouldn't be the only 'plus one' on this holiday and in good company, because her aunt and uncle from LA and her two cousins were coming too, bringing their men along. She had thought that it would maybe help to know that they wouldn't be alone with her father all of the time, calm his nerves about that, but Jay had barely reacted to this information.
Also he hadn't been quite as invested in packing their suitcases and making schedules for their time away together as she had been. She pinned it on the stress of his last days at work and that he didn't seem to be a big fan of getting organized for a trip, but there were still some lingering doubts that this was due to something else entirely. At the very least Jay seemed to be even worse than herself when it came to drawing the line concerning work.
"You leaning on him too much? I don't think so. Give the guy some credit, he's got broad shoulders! Besides: I think he needs you to need him a little!"
"I do not only need him a little, I… he has completely redefined what it means to be happy, to feel… all these crazy things… and all of this in a matter of weeks, months… sometimes I think he doesn't even realize what he does to me. I mean how can someone who was a complete stranger mean the world all of a sudden?"
Ok, maybe Jay hadn't been a complete stranger, but Rianne definitely wouldn't have thought this was possible. Like thinking back to last year sitting here with Stella she never would have predicted this, never even saw it coming. Wasn't this sort of the best kind of love there was? The unexpected one?
"I really don't know how I ever hated him…"
"Bullshit, you never hated him! You were just afraid," Stella lightly swatted her behind with a dishrag while passing Rianne to get some fresh glasses from the shelves.
"Afraid of what?"
"Of this! This messy, frantic, consuming love, to be this attached to someone again… You were afraid to lose your cool, your independence, maybe have something to lose again! But like I told you before: You weren't made for nice, mediocre, comfortable, no-strings-attched, baggage-free! And maybe you two don't have it as easy as ordinary couples, but this is no ordinary love and ... just because I am in a very Christmassy mood one more calendar motto for free only for you to mull over: 'The universe sends us exactly what we are ready for at the exact time we need it in our lives!' Gosh, I can't tell you how curious I am to see where you guys stand after your trip… what the new year's got in store for all of us…"
"Right… first we really have to make it out of Chicago!"
Rianne would only believe it when they sat on that plane together tomorrow night and Stella surely was in a very Christmassy mood, almost bordering on annoyingly, highly-charged happy.
"So... I guess I'll be bringing your plane ticket to the station on my way to the airport then, seeing as you aren't back here yet…"
Jay rubbed his face in agony. He'd known it would come to this and he was sure Rianne had been too. Ever since he hadn't be able to stay home this morning, telling her that it was important to finish up the case as they hadn't been able to completely solve it last night. He couldn't leave his unit hanging right now.
Rianne hadn't argued with him, although their flight was leaving tonight. Her eyes surely had spoken lengths on how she really felt.
And now? He would be lying to himself if he said he had forgotten all about time. In fact he had been very aware of the tick of the clock, very aware that he was cutting it not only short but making it impossible to get back home at their agreed upon time to leave for Chicago O'Hare. That time had passed by now, thus this uncomfortable phone-call.
It was ridiculous! Every rational fibre inside him told Jay it was all bullshit and self-destructive what he was about to do, but he couldn't seem to stop it from happening.
"You know we're still in the middle of this…"
It kind of was the truth, but no one would have argued that he couldn't leave. It was him that couldn't let go. He never should have gone into work yesterday to begin with, but he'd had left-over paperwork to do and when a homeless men being missing had turned into a homicide investigation, he hadn't been able to butt out. And now he just couldn't draw a final line either although he knew he was pushing Rianne's patience and sympathy pretty hard.
With Kim still in the hospital and on pregnancy leave they were a woman down as it was. Hailey was still suffering from her broken ribs, but trying to push through. Adam was thoroughly distracted from time to time because of Kim and the baby's health, so Jay was feeling overly responsible to help them until the very last minute. He didn't really deserve to go on a vacation when everyone around him was miserable and stressed out, did he?
Part of him knew that this wasn't all there was to it.
What if he didn't know who else to be other than a Chicago police officer? What if he would crack if he hadn't his usual perimeters around him? His last time in a foreign country, his last holiday: It had certainly been a while.
Somehow he danced dangerously close to the edge of a PTSD-reaction. His usual trauma-response: Keep busy and keep distracted to not acknowledge and feel what was possibly waiting for him if he slowed down. The closer that prospect of a break, leisure time and change came, even though he wanted to want that, had honestly looked forward to that, fear was suddenly reigning over him, creating some sort of brain-fog.
Jay heard Rianne distinctly swallow at the other end of the line. Her silence was creeping him out, his heart already in his throat, dreading her reaction and ultimately hating himself for doing this to her.
"Maybe I'll have to take a later flight…"
The minute he heard the words leave his mouth like an automatism, he knew it was not good. Rianne should have been yelling at him or say something insulting right now. Her calm and silence was worse. Jay couldn't really deal with that disappointment and hurt, he closed his eyes when he heard her take a deep breath:
"Right. If this is where you think you need to be now Jay, I can't stop you!"
Then she ended the call.
AN: So sorry, but not sorry for the cliffhanger! I just love those too much. Have the next chapter kind of mapped out though, so I think it won't be a whole week before I am able to post again.
