What to do about Magik?
Author's note: In Savage Avengers #17, we see a team-up between Conan and Deadpool (Wade Wilson), which works surprisingly well. Deadpool and Conan are locked up in Ryker's Island prison during the whole King in Black event, which I suspect Illyana is avoiding by being on vacation in the DC universe (an upcoming story in What To Do About Magik Gotham Style) as I would suspect that she'd just shove her sword where the sun don't shine on dealing with the whole issue of Knull the god of symbiotes.
As a side note, do you think folks in the Marvel universe get tired of the world ending every few months? That has got to make folks become a bit jaded.
I figure this story takes place after Deadpool and Conan break out of the prison, as shown in the comic, and I think in issue 18 (not yet published) they end up at the Hellfire club. And yes this is another comedy chapter, remember that Deadpool tends to break the fourth wall. Hmm, no idea if there will be a second chapter.
Part 60a: Game On!
"Foul!" Bellowed Conan as he waved his beer bottle about. "Foul most Foul! Slay him! Kill him! Gouge his eyes out! Pull forth his tongue! Eviscerate him and lash his feet to a horse and drag his screaming carcass through the streets!"
Silence from the hereto shouting crowd as they all turned to stare at Conan. Then…CHEERS as they voiced their approval of Conan's sentiments with a few cries of their own.
"You tell him!"
"Killing too good for him! Boil him in oil!"
"Now that's a fan!"
"Give that man a beer on me!"
Conan sat back down as another bear was delivered to his table by one of the scantily clad serving wenchs… oops… I mean waitress who also slipped him a napkin that had her phone number written in lipstick.
Just what the heck is going on you ask? It was game night, in fact Monday Night Football with Packers vs. Raiders, yes the world was covered in black goo and might be ending (again… I mean… just how may times does the world almost end in comics?) but it was Monday so, God Bless, the game was still on. Deadpool and Conon were taking a timeout in their journey across New York City to Staten Island (Deadpool is now king of the monsters and Staten Island, yes you read that right, see the Deadpool comics for details). The noise of the bar had peeked their interest and thus the time out.
The game had intrigued Conan, who has quickly learned some of the rules and had taken to it like a fish to water. The two had occupied an empty table, dawned cheese head hats and started cheering! Conan was less then approving of this thing call Coors and Light Beer, but had given his enthusiastic endorsement to Samuel Adams brew and these delicious things called loaded potato skins and the wonderers of Nachos.
At one point the cheerleaders were shown on the sidelines during a timeout and the comments from the bar crowd about certain attributes had elicited a kind of musing statement from Wade as he remembered something (see the story Girls Night Out II for details).
"Now those are something to hang onto, better then Jubilee's tater tots."
"I get not your gist." Answered Conan as he seized upon another skin, mmm… bacon while admiring the displayed goodies upon the big screen as the camera zoomed in.
"Chairwomen of the itty bitty tity committee." Amplified Deadpool.
"Titty?" Inquired Conon as he chewed. "Meaning breasts?" Conan liked breasts. Really liked beasts.
Deadpool slightly cupped his hands for emphasis. "Tiny. Small. Any kid depending on her milk bags is destined to starve. She's an A student at the university were getting an A is a failing grad, me, I have a fondness for the D level students. For an X-Woman you'd think she's be equipped like the rest but nope. Just not much chest meat on that bird."
More puzzlement from Conan as Wade was quite confusing at time. But breasts he did understand and the mention of X-Woman reminded him of… "The sorceress wench named Magik is quite comely. A pleasant handful to echo your words. I would bed her if given the chance. Bed her most forcibly and make her scream in pleasure and beg for it to stop."
A statement that actually shocked Deadpool, him being a woke twenty first century man (as of last week), and him having been on the receiving end of Magik's wrath in regards to asking before touching had nothing to do with it. "Warning Will Roberson. Warning! That's a negatory Ghost Rider! Do not, I repeat, do not squeeze that particular roll of Charmin. And also… that kind of sounds a bit rapey, which is also a really really bad idea for that particular filly. And Conan, my new best friend, use of the word wench is not currently politically correct."
Conan was not really paying attention to Wade as he cheered at the successful field goal. "Strumpet?"
Woke Wade was most firm. "No! And neither is doxy, hussy, jezebel, bimbo, harlot ,floozy, slut, vamp, minx, hellion, other negatory descriptive phrases for woman." Then a quick look about before a whisper. "As long as any of them can hear."
Conan returned to the topic at hand. "Bed her with vigor! Make her writhe upon the sheets and cry out for her god as she in vain struggles against pleasures beyond compare."
A statement that earned Conan two more napkins anointed with phone numbers. Causing Conan to give Wade a sly grin. "All woman lust for Conan."
"Not that filly." Rebutted Wade, and then a question. "How the heck do you know Magik?"
Conan answered after a long pull on his beer. "We fought a dragon together, along with some others. A fine fight, but in the end her womanly weakness let the creature live. I dislike sorceries and magic, best to do one's killing with cold steel, but she wields a sword well."
"Chicks with swords are a turn on." Admitted Wade, in fact one of his top ten turn ons.
"And she is even less patient with those who riddle then I. Crom I hate riddles. Violent, abusive, and dresses more befittingly. Not like the one called Widow of Black. Far too much clothing, like so many in this era. A woman is best garbed in a few bits of chainmail, if she is garbed at all."
A few blinks from Wade before he responded. "And you've shared these… thoughts with Magik?"
Conan leaned back in his chair as the game cut to commercials. "Not yet."
"Don't."
"Don't what?"
"Just don't. I don't think she'd be… let's just say receptive."
"Bhaaa…" Was Conan's response. So many said such things and yet they were always wrong.
Wade shook his head. "Your funeral dude. And I really do mean funeral."
Hmmmm…. Wade contemplated a possible eulogy.
BEGIN POSSIBLE EULOGY
It was a cold drizzly grey day, the overcast sky setting the mood as Wade, dressed in a black suit, but still wearing his Deadpool facemask, took his place at the podium before the closed casket and the crowd of mourners. Behind the podium was a large screen upon which was projected photos of Conan (mostly slaying things or drinking).
"Conan was a friend of mine." Began Wade as he wiped away a tear.
"A good friend, the kind of dude who was always there for you, assuming you needed something slain, or alcohol consumed, not so good for any other issues; plus he did still owe me for that loan I gave him to buy the Ginsu knives, but I digress. Conan was many things, rogue, knave, adventurer, thief, lover, lecher, stalker, ruffian ,slayer, fighter, welcher of bets, drinker of other men's beer, wearer of woman's underwear, the list goes on. When in doubt loot was one of his favorite sayings, and one he practiced. He died as he lived, sword in hand… relatively speaking as it wasn't quite the traditional sword that he was gripping when he passed on. He was a man of daring, and he dared to dream big. Too big in the end as Conan attempted the impossible as he strove to tap the ass of Magik."
Behind Wade the latest photo of Conan was replaced by a series of close-up photos of Illyana's ass, dressed in her usual tight black leather short shorts.
"An ass not as bountiful or bouncy as say the White Queen or Psylocke. Or as fulsome as the ass of Storm. Why… it was even once described as bonny by Thor himself."
Thor, who was in the audience, raises a glass of ale while nodding his head.
"Yes, that Magik ass is athletic, but still feminine, not like Jubilee's derriere which resembles that of an emaciated young boy. In contrast Magik's ass is firm yet soft, as I can personally attest to, having once given it a most firm two handed squeeze; and would have paid the same price as our departed Conan but for my abilities. Yes, that Magik ass may not measure up to top grade booty, and we all know who I'm speaking of, but babalicous is not just ass alone."
And now the photos switch from Illyana's ass to her chest, likewise in the tight black leather with the boob window to show cleavage.
"Don't forget the taters! And Magik's taters are top shelf! Not choice, not select, but prime grade magical fun pillows! And who can't forget just how Magik dresses to show all the goodies, like candy in the window. Is it any wonder that Conan tried to climb the conceptual Everest of scores? That he gave into temptation? That he stove to hit that which cannot be hit? To have bragging rights about nailing the unattainable?"
The photos return to Illyana's ass, but now it is almost naked, but for a set of black Batman g-string panties that are shaped like the bat symbol }{ front and back (see Girls Night Out II for details). Then a cut to her chest, now contained by a very tight black Bat bra }. A sight that causes Thor to drop his drink and contemplate that perhaps he was hasty in his disregards of her assets.
Wade takes a sheaf of folded parchment from his suit jacket and unfolds it while putting on a pair of reading glasses. "I will now read a short poem that I think honors the memory of Conan and all that he stood for. A poem by Diana DeCillis that speaks to this special moment."
Tremulous gibbous moons,
sand dunes of the body's terrain,
I'm talking double bubble entendre-
not smart ass, the know-it-all,
the wiseacre-more cheek to cheek,
a tango as it were, the stuff of rumba,
samba, mambo-parallel
yet unparalleled in synonymy.
Call it: buttocks, butt, booty, behind, backside,
bum, buns, bedonkadonk, arse, can, cheeks,
hind-end, haunches, heinie, keister, glutes,
rump, gluteus maximus (or minimus) tail feather,
rear, junk-in-the-trunk, posterior, patootie,
tail, stern, seat, tooshie, tukhus, tush,
apple bottom, back pack, money maker,
rear-end, duff, fanny, derriere.
Describe it as: voluptuous, large, firm,
fine, jiggly, bouncy, flabby, saggy,
work horse of the body, a loyal constant,
cushioner of the fall, protector of coccyx,
defender of tail bone.
Sitting on it too long-ill advised.
You might wanna move yours,
get your ass in gear, avoid a kick in the ass-
Often maligned, called skinny,
scrawny, sorry, fat, wide, huge,
and though tight jeans might beg
the question, do these make my butt look big?
Let's be honest, it makes itself look big.
Some identify with it, I'm an ass man,
which is different than saying, I'm an ass,
though often said by one.
There are isometrics to tighten it-
labeled with it: bad ass, tight ass,
horse's ass, half-ass, asshole-
some feel like one, others make an ass
of themselves, do things ass-backwards,
bass-akwards,
There are those who have their head
up their ass, some drag theirs,
some would have you
kiss their sweet one goodbye,
think they are kick ass, cool-
you don't want one that's too large,
but then again, small is also a problem,
no ass, flat, pancake ass-
the point is your ass can be on the line,
you have to cover your ass, watch your ass,
be wary of ass kissers and hard asses.
People fall flat on theirs some freeze theirs off,
work theirs off, get theirs kicked while others
gamble and lose theirs.
Ass, a one syllable, not one-note wonder-
call it the orchestral symphony of the body,
the wind section, the flute and toot,
heralding trumpet-the tuba, the coda,
the end that never ends.
And yes dear readers, the poem is titled Ass.
Wade folds the parchment and places it back in his suit. "We'll miss you big guy. I'd like you all too now bow your heads in a brief prayer. But first one more poem, this time by Phoenix Aradia."
Wade bows his head and begins to recite from the poem Keeping Abreast.
Nestled in warm, plump pillows
on those cold, dark nights;
areolas borealis
are northern headlights!
…
And of course Magik would teleport behind Wade and commence chopping him into tiny tinny screaming bits with her sword (it took awhile for her to show up because she would obviously not be at the funeral).
…
END POSSIBLE EULOGY
Yeah… need to not dwell on her ass so much in the eulogy was Wade's conclusion as women can get fussy about that. And perhaps tone down the photo show about her girly bits.
And with that it was halftime.
"Conan, there are way better X-Fish in the sea, and much less lethal in regards to inappropriate touching. Take at look at these dishes."
With that Wade took out his Apple12 iPhone pro Max (the one with 512 GB) and began to thumb through many X-Babe photo as Conan looked on with interest. There was the usual assortment, Emma, Psylocke, Jen Grey, Storm, Rogue, including the She-Hulk as a bonus round, and Captain Marvel back when she wore the much nicer costume instead of her current space fascist getup, and some very inappropriate shots of Power Girl from the DC universe. Oh, and one shot of Jubilee.
Conan looked upon the displayed goodies on the small magical device that so many had and stated with a growl. "Conan would do them all as you people are want to say. All but the one you call Jubilee as he fears she would split in twain from the lovemaking of Conan."
Man, am I glad none of them are here to hear that thought Wade, and then a side thought about how easy it was to break a phone. Better stash some more data backups.
"But still Magik is my first choice." Concludes Conan after draining his latest beer.
"Why?" Declares Wade. "I mean yeah her ass is nice, and the boobage is defiantly worthy but…"
"The Challenge! Plus Conan likes the way she used her sword. And how she abused those who spoke in riddles." Conan really hated those who used riddles as he was secretly quite sensitive about his lack of formal education. And while Conan liked all women, he did have an extra thing about violent woman. "And Conan has found that sword woman tend to be lustful after a good fight, gets the blood boiling."
Newly woke Wade was not having any of that. "Conan, it's talk like that that got Gina Carano kicked off of the Mandalorian. You've got to think these things through, while you may be a barbarian, you're a white barbarian and male chauvinism, along with misogynist behavior, will eventually get noticed by the Mouse. Yeah, you have the whole out of copy write thing going so other publishers can write stories that are out of bounds by Marvel, man the Ice Giant's Daughter series was nice and talk about great female nudity. Remember the Mouse is not known for… for…"
Deadpool paused and thought upon so many of his actions and words. "OH CRAP!" as he realized that the Deadpool film right were now owned by Disney! Fox had been bought and consumed by the Mouse and that meant that… Wade stopped sharing photos of the X-Woman with Conan and started reviewing and then deleting his tweets, browser history, taking down that little website he ran on the side, deleted those photos of him with Trump wearing a Make America Great Again baseball cap, and a great deal more. "Um… need to take a time out Conan. Got some cleaning to do. Need to protect that three film deal I just signed, plus all those merchandising opportunities. Damn it, I'm this close to having my own underoos line!"
Wade started to sing some lines from The song Big Time by Peter Gabriel.
I'm on my way, I'm making it
I've got to make it show, yeah
Yeah
It' so much larger than life
I'm gonna watch it growing
…
…
Conan watched with bemusement as Wade's thumbs flew over the iPhone, then his gaze was captured one of the busty serving wenches who was giving him bedroom eyes. Conan stood and ambled over to the wrench, unnoticed by Wade who was muttering to himself as the delete fest continued.
"Personal pronouns is a thing now on your bio? … Well, adding them now."
"Oops, really need to re-tag that photo I took with Hunter Biden. Was… crack smoking loser, now… consoling him about drug abuse."
"Beating the crap out of those rioters? Now protesting against the man!'
"Hmmm, best to just delete these photos."
"Conan, do you think this is inappropriate? Conan?" Wade looked about. "Dude?"
And there was Conan, with a laughing woman over his shoulder as he made his way to a door in the back of the bar, which led to some stairs and a bit of privacy.
A shrug from Wade as he resumed cleaning up some unfortunate tidbits of his online history.
Making it big time…
