Chapter 65: it's okay to be selfish sometimes

Ochako was a lot of things, but stupid wasn't one of them. Okay, maybe she wasn't the brightest bulb in the box, but she had passed the written entrance exam like the rest of them and managed to stay somewhere in the middle field. Which was plenty enough, considering U.A. was an elite school of sorts. So, as one of his best friends, she knew Deku-kun inside out, of course she wasn't as oblivious to his feelings as people made her out to be.

No, she had known for a while, even before Mina had started with the comments. Deku-kun wore his heart on his sleeve, he laughed when he was happy, cried when he was sad or overwhelmed, and always made sure his friends knew how much he appreciated them. It was one of the many qualities she absolutely adored about the boy. So, clearly, as his dear friend, she knew exactly what was going on in front of her.

That didn't mean it didn't hurt.

It had been subtle at the beginning, enough she couldn't point out when exactly things started to change. The one thing she was certain about was, that after they returned from the internship after the winter holidays, there was no going back. And these past nine days, since Eri-chan's disappearance, it was harder to pretend it wasn't there than to accept that it was. Ever since then, gloomy thoughts had been nagging at the back of her mind.

She wasn't making a mistake, was she? Doubts made her reconsider, but no, she couldn't let them get the upper hand. She needed clarity, now, if she ever wanted to live in peace again.

Ochako entered the kitchen. By the stove, Hikari poured steaming water into a cup of instant noodles. The brunette waited while the other girl stirred the soup and folded the lid back over.

"How can I help you?"

Ochako flinched. It didn't help that Hikari was being nice and polite right now. It was sure one of the qualities Deku-kun liked about her, but… It couldn't be just that, could it? After all, Ochako had been there for him since the beginning, since the day of the written entrance exam. They had gone through so much together! They had survived the attack on the USJ, faced the League of Villains and Shigaraki multiple times, fought Overhaul and saved Eri, slayed the provisional license exam, and did so many other great things together. Was it because of his dad? Ochako was trying her best to understand, to help him, wasn't that enough?

The girl banned these traitorous thoughts to the back of her mind. She came to talk, not to sulk. Her palms began sweating profusely and she wiped them off at her pants. She needed to get this conversation going before she lost her courage...

"Is it about Midoriya?"

Dang it. Hikari saw right through her. Ochako took a deep breath before remarking, "It's kinda funny how you still call him that around us, despite being on first name base."

She flinched at her own tone. Dang it, again, she didn't mean to come off that snarky. Hikari across the room was taken by surprise, but she didn't seem offended. Correction: she didn't show whether she was offended or not. Ochako hated when she did that.

"I, uh, I didn't realize."

Just what was it about her? Okay, she was observing and attentive. Maybe she was interning with the number one hero alongside Deku-kun, Todoroki and Bakugou, but Ochako herself was interning with Ryukyuu, the dragon hero! She had a strong, versatile quirk, Deku couldn't stop gushing about it every time she asked him for advice. She even compensated for her quirk's missing combat abilities by learning martial arts; she got along with everyone and was generally liked by people, even Bakugou seemed to respect her, so what was it? Where was she lacking? What did the other girl have to offer that she didn't? Was it the looks? Was she not his type? Deku-kun had seemed plenty flustered in the beginning, it probably wasn't that. Just what…?

"Ochako...?" Hesitation. The first sign Hikari wasn't as unaffected as she pretended to be. Ochako couldn't look her in the eye as she informed her, "There are… Rumours. Deku-kun said nothing had happened yesterday, and I do believe him, he would never lie to me, but…"

Why was it so hard? No one interrupted the silence that followed until she finished sorting her thoughts.

"I'm not… I'm not blind. Everyone knows Deku-kun likes you, and... Y-you know too, don't you? I can c-clearly see how you t-two a-act around each other. Deku-kun reaching for your hand is one thing, but you always take it, you never shake it off or draw back, you hold on-"

Ochako had to take another deep breath. Her feet on the white tiles of the kitchen floor blurred.

"I've been watching," she admitted with an aching heart, "you always lean towards him when you two talk, and there is this tiny smile on your face, like you're at peace… You're a lot more open when he's around, and I saw how he almost cupped your cheek during the joint training exercise…" She couldn't do this any longer. Ochako forced chin up to look at the girl across.

For a moment, Hikari stared at her, expression unreadable. It infuriated Ochako. People were supposed to show emotions, how could she deal with this if the other kept looking as if nothing-

"You like him too, don't you?" Hikari's voice was so low, for a second Ochako thought she had imagined it.

"I'm sorry."

Why? Why was Hikari apologizing? Because they both happened to fall for the same guy? The brunette was confused. She expected to be met with denial, especially after that poker face from before, how was the golden eyed girl admitting her feelings that bluntly now, and why did she look so guilty?

"I'm so sorry, Ochako. I never meant for this to happen. I don't know- It just… Everything happened so fast, and please, believe me, I don't want to hurt you, I don't even know how anyone, especially him, could develop feelings for... For me..."

Ochako came here to get clarity. All she wanted to know was if she was imagining things, if there was still a chance… She blinked the tears away.

"Does he know? Did you tell him how you feel?" Her voice was shaking. No matter how much it hurt, she needed to know.

"I did."

Ochako forgot how to breathe.

Deku-kun liked Hikari. Hikari liked him back. Hikari confessed to him. This could only mean one thing.

"Is there… Is there something going on between you two?" Her mouth felt dry. The words felt putrid on her tongue, wrong, like she had said something forbidden. But she had a right to ask, she was one of his best friends, and her feelings for him were just as valid as Hikari's, whether she had decided to lock them away or not…

Hikari visibly bit her lower lip. The girls started at each other, both their expressions strained, Ochako's demanding, Hikari's almost conscience-stricken.

"He really meant to tell you."

Six words. It took no more than six words to shatter something inside her. The room was spinning, her knees felt weak, her hands were shaking.

"H-how long…?" she barely managed.

"Ochako-"

"No, forget it. I-it's none of my bu-business, it w-would only make things worse. Just… Take care of Deku-kun and don't hurt him, he means so much to me." She meant it, with all her heart.

"I'm so sorry-"

"Promise me," Ochako demanded, hot tears rolling down her usually rosy but now pale cheeks, "care for him, make him happy, do you hear me?"

Salty drops glistened on the other girl's face as well. "I…"

"It's okay." The brunette wiped the tears off her face. "It's fine. It really is. I'll get over it, it's just a stupid crush! I planned to ignore my feelings anyway so I can focus on becoming a great hero. So, this is fine."

"It's not fine, Ochako!"

"Don't. Just promise me. If Deku-kun has chosen you, then I'll have to accept that, it's what friends do. I'll still be there for him, I'll be his best friend, and I'll know if you don't treat him right." It was all she could do. She would never place her own, selfish needs above his.

"Don't do this to yourself…"

"What else am I supposed to do, then?" She shook her head, fresh tears dropped onto her Nasa sweater. "You seem like a good person, Deku-kun mentions it often enough. Just… Don't tell him about it, it would break his heart," Ochako begged and took a few steps back, towards the door. She couldn't stay any longer. She was almost out of the room when Hikari finally breathed, "I promise. I… I'll do everything I can, I'll try to make him happy… And I won't tell him."

"Good," Ochako's voice cracked, "never forget that promise."

She stormed out of the kitchen. It hurt. The truth always hurt, didn't it? Yet, at the same time, she felt relieved. No more guessing, no more uncertainties. Deku-kun had made his choice, she had to live with it, and it wouldn't be the last rejection she would have to face. If nothing else, it would help her grow as a person.


Hikari sank to the floor. Despite being aware of Ochako's feelings, she never thought the other would confront her about it, at least not before Izuku told her what was going on. If Ochako and Iida knew… She had mentioned rumours… Did the whole class…?

Hikari was an awful friend. The worst. How could she hurt Ochako like that?! How did this even happen? She had never crushed on anyone before, how was she even considering the word love, something she hadn't experienced in so long she had forgotten how it felt? And why the hell would anyone, especially Izuku, the smartest, strongest, most lovely person she had ever met, return those feelings? Why would he like her? She wasn't pretty, just a bunch of muscles wrapped in scars; she wasn't sociable, only an anxious, nervous wreck. And the internship had proven how weak she still was, how she couldn't keep up with them... Why would he ask to be her boyfriend? Were they making a mistake? Would he be better off without her? Or with someone else, someone who was as bright and lovely as him, someone like Ochako…

Iida had been right. She didn't mean to eavesdrop, all she had wanted was to leave as fast as she could, but her legs had stopped working as soon as she had staggered out of view. He had called her a distraction. She hadn't caught Izuku's answer because the sting of the class president's words had been painful enough to make her legs work again.

Hikari slapped her own cheek. Great, crippling self-doubt was just what she needed. How could having normal teenager problems feel so much more complicated than having a mass murdering psychopath as a brother?

She slowly pushed herself up. The instant noodles were ready, but her hunger was gone.

.

It took her half an hour to compose herself enough to cancel training with the boys and All Might. She texted them that she wasn't feeling too well - it wasn't a lie - and ignored whatever came after, which was probably Bakugou screaming in caps about her weak-ass determination or something. The truth was, Hikari couldn't focus. No way in hell could she look Izuku in the eye after what just happened. She promised Ochako not to say anything, but how would Izuku react if he knew the truth? Would he blame her? Would he hate her for hurting the other girl?

She sighed and let her head fall back on the mattress. The two wet spots on her jeans stuck to her knees. Hikari couldn't believe she was crying over this stupid, nonsensical teenage drama - how old was she, twelve? And what was this tightness in her chest? Why did she feel physical pain when remembering the hurt expression on Ochako's face? Why did she feel guilty for wanting to spend time with the person that had earned such a special place in her heart?

There was a knock. Hikari's head shot up a bit too fast, a wave of nausea hit her. Who was it? She couldn't receive anyone right now, her eyes were burning, they had to be red and puffy, she couldn't let anyone see her like this-

"Hi-chan, it's me, kero," Tsuyu's muffled voice came from the other side of the door, "may I come in?"

Hikari almost screamed 'No' but readied herself for the 'give me a minute'. Neither found an application.

"Ochako-chan came to me a while ago."

She froze. Tsuyu was Ochako's best friend. The brunette had probably, rightfully, bawled her eyes out in front of the frog girl. Which meant Tsuyu knew everything. Not just that Hikari and Izuku were a thing, no, also how Hikari had trampled Ochako's heart like the awful person she was. Would Tsuyu also tell her that this was a mistake? Would she make her feel bad about it like Izuku's other close friends? Tsuyu was an amazing person, a good friend, but...

"I'm worried about you, kero."

"Shouldn't you be worried about Ochako?" It escaped her before she could think. Hikari wanted to smash her head against a wall, Tsuyu didn't deserve to suffer from her emotional outbursts.

The door was opened without an invitation. Hikari turned away in shame, but it was too late. Tsuyu froze in the doorframe. Just wonderful.

There was a low thud, indicating that the frog girl had decided they were going to talk, whether Hikari liked it or not. There were steps and soon Tsuyu sat down on the floor next to her, also leaning her back against the side of the bed. The smaller pulled her legs close, gazed at the photographs hanging above Hikari's desk and set out, "You're my friend, too."

Hikari felt even more ashamed. She buried her face between her knees. "I know, I'm sorry."

"It's fine, kero. If you're okay with it, I would like to hear your side of the story."

Oh, how Hikari both loved and hated Tsuyu's bluntness. "What am I supposed to tell you?"

"For starters, why exactly you're crying." The frog girl hit a nerve Hikari didn't even know was there. "How you and Midoriya started dating, what exactly happened this morning with Iida and whatever else is on your mind."

Why would she do that? Why would Tsuyu try to comfort her after all the shitty stuff she pulled? Hikari clenched her crossed arms tighter, her short nails would have left dents in her skin if the fabric of her hoodie hadn't been that thick. It wasn't that easy. Sure, she promised not to keep secrets anymore, but wasn't that exactly what she had done regarding her relationship with Izuku? How could she keep her other promises if she broke that one so easily?

They sat in silence for far too long, but Tsuyu didn't leave. Having that many siblings must have trained her patience. She seemed to notice Hikari's discomfort, because the big-eyed girl placed one of her large hands on the other's arm and reassured her, "Take all the time you need, kero."

It was too much. Hikari took a few breaths, opened her mouth multiple times, but couldn't form a single coherent sentence. Too much was going through her head.

"I'm just… I'm so confused…"

Tsuyu's hand moved from her arm to her back, rubbing comfortable circles. How did she deserve that kindness?

"I still can't believe things turned out like this… I, I knew Ochako had feelings for him, but I wasn't prepared to talk to her, although I should have been, it wasn't fair, Ochako, Izuku, they both deserve-"

"Hey," Tsuyu pulled her closer, allowing her to catch a breath, "it will be okay, kero."

But would it? Hikari bit her lips, her vision grew blurry. Not again. Not again…

A single tear rolled down her cheek. And with it came a stream of words, her mouth worked on its own, her brain wasn't fast enough to keep up-

She told Tsuyu how terrible she felt for Ochako. How afraid she was of Izuku finding out and hating her and himself for hurting his best friend. She told Tsuyu how they even ended up together, how she confessed to him after the incident with Eri and Dragon, and how he confessed back. How she had spent the Christmas holidays at his apartment and began realizing that her feelings for the boy were changing. That she told him about it, and how he seemed fine with it. How they had been growing closer ever since. How she hadn't even thought about Ochako back then despite being aware of her crush, not until the incident with Nightmare, when she took the Overload bullet for Izuku and had almost died.

How she technically had died for a moment. She couldn't face Tsuyu. No one except the teachers and Izuku knew about it. The frog girl didn't interrupt her, but Hikari could feel her hand tense on her back.

She told Tsuyu how terrified she had been of dying. How she had been filled with regret, there was still so much she wanted to do and say…

Hikari needed a few seconds to compose herself. Tsuyu pulled her even closer into a half-hug.

Then, she continued to tell her friend about Nokobiri, even though it had nothing to do with the subject. Out of plain stupidity she had condemned him to save Bakugou, and the guilt of that still sat heavy on her chest, even though the now retired hero didn't blame her. How many more people would have to suffer thanks to her irrational decisions?

Nothing made sense anymore. Not that she told Tsuyu how she was grieving her brother, no matter how much she despised him. Even if she could never forgive him, he had been her last remaining family. Now that he was gone, she felt left behind, utterly alone in this big, scary world.

She knew that her friends were here and cared about her, but it wasn't enough to erase the doubts. She knew it was stupid, and yet she couldn't help but ask herself if she deserved their kindness, their care, their friendship. She came from a family of villains. A family that had tortured and murdered innocent people, people she could have tried to save but didn't do anything. Because she was weak, she always had been. It didn't matter that she could control her quirk now, because she should have been able to do it back then. Maybe she could have saved at least a few of them that way.

It had been six years since then, and Hikari still hated herself for doing nothing. She felt useless - she wasn't a good hero, she couldn't even socialize, she was bad at talking to people, unable to make new friends, she could hardly keep up with her classmates. Her good grades didn't matter in a real fight, they didn't help her save people. She didn't even look like a hero, her quirk looked villainous even for people who didn't know about her family. And her scars were only adding to that. Mineta was right after all, they were hideous. She already knew that, so it made no sense his comments hurt her that much.

But nothing, not one of the things she mentioned, hurt as much as a single thought about Eri-chan. Every morning when she woke up, every evening in bed, guilt threatened to crush her. Because it was her fault. Dragon only knew where and how to find the little girl thanks to the information Nightmare had forcefully extracted from her mind. And just when, after all these years, Eri had learned what it meant to live, to laugh, she had everything taken from her again. Hikari couldn't imagine how much the little girl had to be suffering.

Silence followed the longest monologue Hikari had held her entire life. Her throat felt dry, her voice coarse and raw. She hadn't been able to convey more than a few fragments of what was going on inside her head but somehow, the girl felt light, like a heavy burden had been lifted off her shoulders. It felt good confiding in someone that wasn't Izuku or Momo.

Tsuyu didn't react for the longest time. Hikari couldn't blame her, it was a lot to take in.

"Thank you for telling me all this, kero," the green haired girl began at last, "I know you have trouble trusting people, so this must have been a huge step for you."

One of the biggest she ever took.

"It is a lot, and I'm not sure I have the qualifications to answer most of that, it's hard to imagine what you've been through. But I can tell you that no one will hold you responsible for what happened when you were a child, what your family did or what Dragon took from you, kero. Your brother's sins are not yours."

How ironic. Hikari had said almost the same thing to Izuku once.

"You are a good person, Hikari."

If it wasn't the fact that Tsuyu used her full name, it was the frog themed heroine's tone that made Hikari draw back from the half hug and look her in the eyes. They were huge and so full of compassion.

"I know that because you do feel guilty about all these things, kero, because you strive to do better. And you deserve all the kindness we offer you. You may be a bit hot-headed and reckless at times, but you are smart, caring, and it doesn't matter that you don't always know what to say, I can still feel that you try to help as best as you can. You think you're weak but frankly, I think you're one of the most powerful people in our class. I doubt Endeavour would have taken you in otherwise, kero. And I believe Midoriya-chan sees those qualities clearer than anyone else, that's why he likes you."

Hikari couldn't breathe. She clenched her teeth, but it didn't stop the fresh tears dropping from her chin.

"Yes, Ochako-chan is my best friend, and I am here for her, I will comfort her, but I will also help her move on. Because it's easy to see that you and Midoriya-chan have something special. You both are on the same wavelength, one that most of us other students can't quite grasp." Tsuyu sent her such a warm smile, Hikari's heart ached. The tears stopped flowing.

"So, congratulations, kero. Whatever happened with Iida this morning, I'm sure he didn't mean any harm, he was most likely concerned. He is also a bit awkward at expressing himself, if you haven't noticed, kero."

The corners of her mouth twitched upwards.

"Though you can't blame Ochako-chan for being upset. I see now that you're not the person to blame anyone but yourself, but I wanted to have said that. Aside from those two, I can assure you, most of our class will be overjoyed to hear about you and Midoriya-chan. Mina-chan and Kaminari even have a bet going despite Yaomomo trying to tell them off. And, by the way, she's been asking me whether she should approach you for almost a week now, because she's seen Midoriya-chan leave your room in the morning a few times and doesn't know what to make of it."

Hikari blinked a few times. They… They did what?! And Momo had seen Izuku? He couldn't know, or he would have said something.

"It's kind of funny, kero," Tsuyu chuckled, "even before that, after the joint training exercise, Setsuna-chan and Kinoko-chan from class B asked some of us if you two were a thing."

Her brain was running on overdrive. Some of class B had…? After the joint training? What happened then? Sure, they had been a great team-

The porch. They must have seen them on the porch. Hikari's cheeks burned, she turned away from Tsuyu. "Oh."

"Either way, there is one last thing I want you to know, kero."

The girls locked eyes again.

"You can never please everybody. It's okay to be selfish sometimes."


Izuku hovered in front of the door, fist raised. He was tired and his arms were aching again, despite All Might making sure they didn't overdo it this time. A scent of curry hung in the air, even here up on the top floor. Dinner would be served soon. But, before that, there was something he needed to take care of. Someone he needed to check up on.

Gathering all his courage, Izuku knocked. Hikari had been avoiding him all day. She didn't even come to training. Was she upset because of what happened with Iida? Did he do something wrong? Should he have addressed it sooner?

To his surprise the door opened almost immediately, revealing Asui with her hair tied up in a bow at the back of her head.

"Hello, Midoriya-chan," she greeted him, a small smile on her lips. He was a bit taken aback by her sudden appearance but caught himself quickly.

"Hello, As- Tsuyu. Is Hikari…?"

"She's here." The rather small girl stepped past him into the hallway. "I'll see you two later, kero."

She waved and left him standing confused in front of the open door. Izuku shook his head. He peered inside the barely lit room, only the lamp on the nightstand offered some warm light. He found Hikari sitting on the floor, legs drawn close, back resting against the side of the bed. She looked up at him, her face was calm but the eyes slightly red and swollen.

Izuku froze. Had she been crying?! What was going on? He tumbled into the room and fell to his knees at her side.

"What's wrong?! Are you hurt? Did something happen-"

Her hands landed on the sides of his face. Hikari tilted her head.

"Izuku?"

He didn't know what to say, so he simply nodded.

"I love you, and I'll always be by your side, but… If I… If you think I'm distracting you or holding you back…"

It was about this morning. Had she heard what Iida said? Had it been troubling her all day? He should have come sooner; he had made her worry for no reason.

Izuku reached out and pulled her close, into his arms. "You have to believe me, Iida-kun didn't mean to hurt us, he was just worried about our careers! You're not distracting me or holding me back, it's the opposite! You help me keep focus and stay on the right path, you were always there to catch me when I felt like falling…"

Arms wrapped around his middle, finally returning the hug.

"Whatever happened today, it doesn't matter what Iida-kun or anyone else thinks. This is our life, and we decide how we want to spend it. I told him that. I told him that I chose to spend it with you. I'm so sorry I let you worry about that all day."

The grip around him tightened.

"Are you… Are you sure…?"

"I am." He raised a hand to the back of her head and drove his fingers through her hair. "And I'm also think we should tell everyone. I'd like to avoid situations like this morning, if possible."

The body in his arms shook. Izuku already thought he had said something wrong when the faintest sound of a chuckle rang in his ears.

"I think that's a good idea," Hikari agreed, "Sunday when we get back?"

Right, they were going to visit mom tomorrow morning. Which left them two more days to think about all this.

"Sounds good to me."


A/N:ngl, I really like the title of this chapter :'D I've been dying to have Ochako and Hikari talk, although it was one of the hardest scenes to write. I hope it turned out okay...

Review time:

* Yamajiji: Thanks for the review! All these kids care deeply for each other, and it's important to me to show that.

* Nixxon Mysterio: Thank you for reviewing! There should be 76 Chapters in total, including the epilogue. So it's gonna take a few more weeks ;) And thank you so much, that is one of the best compliments I ever received! I try to pay as much attention as possible to keep everyone in character (as far as the non-canon events of this fic allows it), so this means a lot! And yeah character interactions are my favourite thing to write atm. You're going to see that in the next two chapters xD

*Ryu: Thanks for the review! I fear we're going to stay in the emotional/character development department for two more chapters before we turn back to the action, aka the big climax.