I mentioned it on Sunday, but I have a really big exam coming up. I fear I'll forget to upload the chapter on Sunday, so I decided to do it already a little early.

This is the 'heart' of the Therapy-arc so to speak. I hope you liked it. I actually shed a tear when I wrote it.

Triggerwarning for mention of (assumed) Suizide.


A Father's Failure

"Are you ready to talk about your son?"

"I have three of those," Enji answered, but he knew exactly which one Tanaka meant. There was only one son he had strictly avoided to talk about during all their prior meetings— though he was surprised at Tanaka's sudden, blunt attempt to bring up the topic. After he'd said that he didn't want to talk about it during their very first meeting, she hadn't overtly mentioned him. But now. Now, she was asking him directly about Touya..

"Your oldest son," she clarified.

"Touya…"

"Yes, Touya."

And maybe Enji was ready. It was their last meeting before his psychological evaluation. If everything went alright, he'd already have his license back the next time they met. If the worst happened, however, he would have his license, and have to face Touya immediately after. And then what good would his license do him?

It had always stood unspoken between them, that although Enji could push off this topic, he would have to talk about it eventually. Now was the last possible time to do so. Next week might be too late.

And maybe it was just the right time to do so. He'd met with Tanaka for three weeks now, and had started trusting her with more personal issues. Maybe he could talk about Touya…

"He…was my oldest." He began, repeating what she had just said before. "Is my oldest, I mean." He scrunched his eyes shut as he realized his mistake. "Is." He nodded to himself.

"Tell me about him."

"I don't know what to say," he said, but he knew it was a lie even before he finished the sentence. There was so much to say. He dropped his head against his wrist, closing his eyes. "My oldest… I was there when he was born. He was the only one I was there for… I…" He shook his head, feeling his eyes itch. "I came too late for Fuyumi, and I had to work for both Natsuo and Shoto." He gritted his teeth, contemplating how he had left Rei alone with all three of them. "But Touya, I… I remember it exactly. It took hours, and Rei was… well, you know."

He cut off his lacking description. Tanaka would know how births went, he assumed. "He was quiet as a baby, and energetic as a child. And… as a teenager he was loud, and always asking for attention… and… Angry. Sometimes he would just explode into righteous anger. There was no way to see it coming and no way to calm him down." He shifted his hands and folded his fingers together, dropping his head into his hands completely. "I loved him," he said, sure that he had. Touya had been his firstborn, after all. There was something special and sacred about that. His child, his firstborn child. He'd seen so much of himself in that small ball of energy.

"I loved him," he said again, as if he had to convince himself. "I'm sure I did… but—"

He felt the cold pressing against his temple.

"Now, every time I think about him, I just feel his gun pressing against my head. My own son wants to kill me. And I think… I don't know… There must be something wrong with me."

He pressed his thumbs against his closed eyes to stop the itching there.

She looked at him patiently. "What do you mean by saying there's something 'wrong' with you?" She repeated, wondering.

"I should feel relieved, shouldn't I? I mean… when he died, I… I didn't want to believe it, but—" He shook his head against his hands. "I didn't want to believe that it was an accident. That it was just—a dumb coincidence." He breathed in shakily. He could taste salty tears in his throat. "So, I convinced myself that… you know. He must have done it himself. I was sure, even when Natsuo and Fuyumi told me that he wouldn't have… I-I remained certain. Because that meant… That meant it was his choice, right? At least, to some degree… so I could blame him, and not just myself."

He raised his head, looking at her, and nodded slightly. He waited for her judgement for his cowardly act. Blaming his teenage son for killing himself? Who did that!?

Of course, none of it was true. Touya hadn't killed himself, it wasn't on purpose, and none of it was Touya's fault. Enji was just disgusting.

The condemnation he was waiting for, didn't come. Of course, it didn't. He didn't pay Tanaka to make him feel worse. He paid her to nod, and smile, and tell him how well he was doing, talking about Touya at all. And she did just that.

"I… I-I mean, I knew… I knew that it was my fault, but there was part of me, that was just… relieved, you know? That I could blame him. And I was so angry." He wiped saliva from his lips. "I was so angry, for so long. Because I knew it was my fault, but it was much easier to blame him. I was so angry at him, and angry at everybody who looked at me, as if it was my fault. Natsuo… he hated me for it…"

Whatever he had wanted to say about Natsuo died on his lips as he took a long shaky breath. He exhaled audibly, feeling his jaw tremble. "So when—when I—when I—", he coughed, trying to get his stuttering under control. "W-when I l-learned that he was a—alive," he had to pause again, unsure if he was understandable at all.. "… I'm sure I loved him. I must have, because— because he's my son. And I-I…" He closed his eyes, frustrated at his inability to form a coherent sentence.

"Why was it, that when I found out that he was alive, all I felt was dread?"

He waited for a reply, but he knew whatever consolation she would offer, he had no place for it. There was something inherently wrong with him, and there was nothing she could say to make it right.

"As far as I know," Tanaka tried in a careful voice, "when you found out he was alive, he tried to kill you. Could this—"

"No, no," he interrupted her. "no, that—that's not… I should've felt relieved! My son's alive. I should've been feeling happy. When I told Rei, you were there…" Gods, he had tears in his eyes. "She was—she was—she was happy. And…and…and it had pushed her to get better—t-to get better. She's somehow…she's pulled strength from it." He sniffed loudly, embarrassed at this overt show of weakness. "A-and I… I… It should be the same for me." He gestured wildly with his hands, trying to make Tanaka understand. "But it's… it's not."

He shook his head.

"When I think about him. About Touya – I feel afraid. Only… fear. I'm afraid to meet him. Afraid to-to talk to him. Afraid to fuh—face him." His hands were shaking violently. He put them flat on the table, pressing hard against the wood—it did nothing to calm the tremors. "I can't sleep because of him, I can't… can't even talk about it without shaking." He tried to form tight fists with his hands as he went on. His voice sounded wet with tears. "And it shouldn't… I shouldn't…because I'm…be-bec-cause I'm certain that I loved him. I was...always certain about that." He was being hysterical. "Bu-but how could I have, if I—if I can't even…if I can't be happy that he's alive?"

Feeling weak and faint, he tried using his sleeve to dry the tears from his face. Silently, Tanaka shifted a box of tissues over to him. He wiped his tears, but they kept spilling, wetting the entire tissue. He took another one.

"I mean…" but he just shook his head, blowing his nose.

Furiously, he tried wiping the new stream of tears coming from his face, feeling immense shame as he did that. "This is embarrassing," he muttered into his tissue.

"It's only natural," Tanaka offered gently, holding out a glass of water that Enji ignored completely.

"No… no, it's not!" Enji's voice was stronger now. "It's not natural for a father to… to feel like that, because their son is alive." He shook his head. "My father didn't give two shits about me, and I'm certain that he still would've wanted me to be alive. So why can't I…"

"Todoroki," she said carefully, trying not to cut him off, but he had already cut himself off. "You lost your son. Your firstborn, who – as you know, as you said yourself – you were certain that you loved. You grieved for your son, and you buried your son. And now, it turns out, he didn't die after all. He's alive, and he tried to kill you. I think it's natural to have a…conflicting reaction to that."

"Conflicting," he scoffed.

"When your son died, I worked with your wife. I went through the whole process with her, until she could reach some form of…acceptance. Did you talk about it to anybody?"

He threw her a glance over his tissue. "No." Enji shook his head. "No."

"Maybe we should start there," she suggested. "Maybe we should try to help you, grieve for your son first."

He blinked, confused, finally crumpling the tissue and revealing a bloated face and red nose. "Grieve?" he asked. "My son's not dead. What's there to grieve about?" his tone was flat. "I should be happy, I shouldn't grieve."

"Maybe you need to accept that Dabi – as I understand – is much different from the boy, Touya, that you knew. Is that correct?"

Enji shrugged. "He looks different," he declared. "He acts differently. They seem nothing alike… but maybe I just didn't know him well enough."

"If nothing else," Tanaka continued, unperturbed, "you lost six and a half years. Six years can be a long time, especially in the development of a teenager. Touya may still be alive, but I think it's reasonable to assume that he's changed a lot. Sometimes, we don't just need to grieve death, but other forms of loss too. Lost time. Change."

Enji looked at her. She made sense.

"Tell me about…Touya. Todoroki Touya, the seventeen-year-old teenager you buried six years ago. Not about Dabi, but about the boy."

Enji tried to remember. Cool metal against his head. He closed his eyes, trying to think past the dyed hair, scars, and steel staples on stretched skin— past the maniac grin and gun against his forehead.

Touya had red hair, turquoise eyes. He'd been standoffish and easy to anger ever since Enji had ended his training due to the weakness of his quirk. He'd been close to his siblings— at least to Natsuo and Fuyumi. He remembered them, playing soccer in the courtyard. Natsuo was always the best. The youngest of the three soon outgrew his older brother. Touya had been jealous about that. As a child, he kept complaining about his brother catching up to him, but as a teenager he had mostly accepted it.

"Rei probably told you about…" he searched for the best way to phase it. "The training. I… I wanted to turn my son into the greatest hero." He nodded to himself. "I was so harsh with Shoto… Touya had started…better. He was seven when I first started training him for real. He had such a powerful quirk. Enthusiastic at first, but then… His quirk injured him, and he pushed himself hard. Ultimately, I decided to stop his training when Shoto's quirk developed. That boy… Shoto… it was obvious early on that he'd be much better suited. But I think Touya never forgave me for that."

He was only talking about that stupid quirk.

"I didn't spend that much time with him afterwards. He loved his brother, Natsuo, and he liked playing soccer. He was loud, he was energetic, and the older he got… the more he…"

He was searching for the best way to describe Touya's explosive anger, that just indignation that could so easily shift into boiling rage. "Cared, I think that's the best word for it. He cared for the people around him. There was this sense of righteousness— I don't know where he got that from. When—when he saw injustice, he'd—he'd rage at it. In his last years of middle school and when he—when he started high school, his teachers sent three letters about him beating somebody up, after they had bullied his classmate. He was just… unable to watch, I guess." Enji had been furious then, and annoyed, why his son would behave like that in school. Now, he smiled at the memory.

"He didn't… He didn't make UA. I don't…know how he failed that. I was really surprised, and disappointed. And he was distraught. After that… I don't know… I think he lost… purpose. Then…" He closed his eyes, realizing once more how thoroughly he had screwed his family over. "Then Rei had her breakdown, and when she was gone… And Touya never found his balance anymore. I was barely there at all, but whenever I was home, he was angry and loud and rebellious. We could barely be in the same room together."

Enji closed his eye. That was it… That was the last thing he remembered of young seventeen year old Touya.

"And then he died."

"How did he die? How did you find out?"

Enji frowned. Of course Touya hadn't died. Still, he played this game of pretend she was suggesting. "He burned to death, at the shore of the Nabu River. It's just a short walk away from the house. On his way from school. There were witnesses, and other students who saw it. The police found DNA remains in the ashes, but not much."

He tried reasoning again that he couldn't have known. There had been DNA in the ashes, but… shouldn't he have known? He'd seen enough burned corpses on the job that surely, if he had just cared to investigate further, he would have found out that the remains weren't enough for a complete body.

"I was at work. Fuyumi called. I don't know why they made Fuyumi do the call. I think the maid took care of Natsuo, who was really distraught, and of course Rei wasn't there. So that left Fuyumi." His tone was mostly flat now, mustly calmed down.

"I remember that she cried. She just told me it was something with Touya… And I remember how irritated I was. I thought he had gotten into trouble at school again, or something like that. At that time…" he breathed heavily, closing his eyes in shame. "At that time, whenever we met, we fought most of the time. Especially since Rei was gone. I don't remember the last time I'd had a decent conversation with him. So, I… I thought it was something like that…" he gave a weak shrug with one shoulder.

"When I arrived home, there were police, and even a hero. And… And I thought – I remember I thought, 'he'd done it!' I thought he'd finally run off shoplifting or burning down something just to disrespect me…"

His voice had momentarily increased in volume, now it dropped again, looking down on his lap. "And then they told me he was dead. That he had burned himself at the shore of the Nabu River, and that they suspected it was suicide. And I remember – I remember not thinking anything. I just nodded, I said thank you, and I led them search through his room for any last words left behind… I… I…" He nodded, lost in thought.

"I saw them off at the door, I remember that. Then I told the maid that she could go home for the day, and called you at the hospital to tell Rei. And then I… I don't remember anything after that. The next day… I rem-I re…" He exhaled with some effort. Took in a deep gulp of oxygen before he continued. "The next day, I remember fighting with Natsuo about whether he had to go to school. Something so benign. But it—it seemed like… I don't know what I was thinking. I just wanted to go to work. I wanted them out of the house, and then I wanted to go to work. And I—I—I think I even called Touya's school, to tell them that he couldn't come that day." He made a vague gesture, as if he could somehow make sense of what he had done back then. "And that's what I did."

"And you never talked about it to anybody?"

"No," he said, as if that was normal and expected. "No, I just went to work. And I think a few days later, Natsuo's teacher suggested that he should see a psychologist, and the maid agreed that it was a good idea for all of them. So, I agreed, and she took them there. I never… I never even thought about coming with them. I didn't want to talk. I told my colleagues, of course. I told… I-I told them to delete Touya's phone number from the list of numbers allowed to call directly into my office." He furrowed his brows, utterly failing to make sense of his actions now. "And then, like, half a year later, Natsuo said that he saw him."

He had completely forgotten about that, but now, as he was sorting through his memories, it suddenly came up.

"And I was so angry. I had never talked to Natsuo about it, not really, not more than half a sentence, but then I just… when he said he saw Touya, I-I… I was so sure he made it up, and blew up in his face. I yelled and I screamed and I set the couch on fire… And Fuyumi was crying, and Shoto was crying and Natsuo… uhm... Natsuo…" He closed his eyes in concentration trying to remember what Natsuo had done, how he had reacted, but he… couldn't. Fuyumi's cries and Shoto's muffled sobs were clear as day in his mind, but Natsuo…?

"I don't know. I think I hit him… might… be the only time, I ever… hit him." He nodded. He didn't remember it clearly, but it sounded right. Like something he would've done.

I'm sorry.

He dropped his head into his hands. He felt tired, exhausted.


Honestly... This ends abruptly, and it is very short... But I have to be honest, I couldn't write any further. By that point I was crying my eyes out and I really didn't know how to let te session end. Obviously they'd be talking about Touya for the rest of the hour. And there's still much to say. But it seemed like the important things was already said, so I saw no point in ruining the impact by adding some useless small talk at the end of it. Neither did I feel like going into meticulous detail about how he can deal with his fear of Touya, and also - I have to admit, I'm not a psychiatrist, so I have no idea, how to continue from here. So I decided before I write an ill-prepared therapy session, making the chapter extra long but also ust adding boring dialogue that wouldn't lead anywhere and wouldn't make sense (cause I'm not a therapist and have no idea about how to deal with that sort of trama) I would just end it.

It fit, because it's also not a very 'Beautiful' chapter... So I decided to just abruptly end it, without any nice last sentence to make a bow around it.

Also SPOILER for the 301 Spoilers but I seems I was right with rei being from an old and traditional family...

I love these chapters. (I wll probably talk more about chapter 301 once it's actually out.