x
Dysrhythmia
I had the most vivid dream,
My feet had left the ground;
I was floating to heaven,
But I could only look down.
My mind was heavy,
Running ragged with worst case scenarios;
Emergency exits and the distance below,
I woke up so worried that the angels let go.
- Sleeping At Last
Chloe's room. That's where she goes when something's wrong. Dreaming is no different. She still ends up sitting on that familiar unmade bed, staring at her own lap, refusing to look up even when the door opens and Chloe steps inside. Everything is so…blurry. But still, she's afraid of what she might see if she looks at her. If she just keeps looking at her hands, she'll never have to see Chloe dead.
Chloe walks across the room and climbs into bed with her. She fixes the blankets, makes sure they both have enough, then makes a failed attempt at eye contact. "You'll be okay."
Aubrey shakes her head.
"You're just tired."
That's barely even a quarter of the problem. "Come home." This is just a dream. This Chloe isn't even real. But she has to tell her. "I love you."
"I am home. This is my room." Chloe takes her by the arm and tugs her back so they're both sitting against the headboard.
"You have to wake up." Aubrey pulls the blanket all the way up and slouches sideways into Chloe's arms. All of her begins to ache, but that's okay. She doesn't want to be comfortable. The moment she relaxes, it's all going to be torn away. It'll turn into a nightmare or she'll wake up.
Chloe rubs her arm. "Maybe you should let me go."
"What?" Aubrey sits up straight again. "How could you say that?"
"It's just a thought."
Wherever that thought came from, it wasn't from Aubrey. "I will never."
xxxxx
Aubrey's internal clock bows to no one – not even morphine. The two of them together don't function without argument though. It takes a long few minutes of sitting groggily in the dark to figure out where she is – which is followed slowly by why she's there and who she's with. The confusion was peaceful while it lasted.
"Beca?" she mumbles hoarsely. It's definitely routine now.
"No."
"I need water." It might be an excuse to get Beca up, but it's not a lie.
"Seriously?" Beca grumbles and throws back the blanket, "You refuse water whenever anyone offers it to you, and when you finally decide you want it, it has to be right now? In the middle of the night? And why does that require I be awake?"
"It's not the middle of the night."
"If it's dark outside," Beca says as she sits up, "It's still night. We've had this talk – several times now, actually."
Aubrey scoots across the bed to go with her, but Beca turns and stops her.
"Let me rephrase. If I have to be up, you're staying here. Because when I come back, we're going back to bed. Dark means night means sleep."
Aubrey scoffs and tries to get off the bed, frowning when Beca keeps her back with a hand on her shoulder.
"Mrs. Beale," Beca wakes her without hesitation.
Seriously?
Julia rolls over, rubbing her face. "What's the matter?"
"I'm just trying to go get water," Aubrey answers.
"And I'm trying to bring water in here so we can go back to bed," Beca says.
"Okay, you know what?" Julia mumbles and slowly props herself up on her elbows, "New rule: everyone wakes up at 8. No earlier, no later."
Aubrey turns to face her as Beca exits the room looking incredibly proud of herself. "That's not fair. I have things to do."
"What do you have to do?" Julia asks.
Aubrey looks down at her ring and uses her thumb to spin it around her finger. Her dream itself may have been blurry, but the memory of it is not. "I want to go shopping. I" – she pauses – "I have something I need."
"Well, Sweetheart." Julia sits all the way up and wraps an arm around her. "Nothing is open this early."
"But by the time I get ready-"
"The store is not going anywhere. It's going to be there all day. You can get ready at 8 and still have plenty of time."
Beca walks smugly back in with a glass that she hands to Aubrey.
Aubrey takes a gulp and nearly chokes over the chalky strawberry-flavored liquid inside. "I said water."
"And last night, you said I wasn't that bad, so I'm just taking everything you say with a grain of salt."
If this was water, Aubrey would pour it on her. She reasons that dumping Pedialyte on her would be satisfying, but then the bed would be sticky.
"Drink it and let's go back to sleep," Julia says.
"Fine," Aubrey concedes, "But we are waking up at 8."
"Why not 9?" Beca suggests.
"It's 8 o'clock or the crack of dawn every day from here on out," Julia replies, "Take your pick."
"Everything day from here on – I can live with 8."
xxxxx
"Dude, why do you want to go to the mall?" Beca asks from the bathroom doorway while Aubrey sits on the edge of the tub, "Do you know how many people are going to be there?"
"Don't worry about it. Mind your own business." Aubrey looks up, betrayed, as Julia lightly taps the top of her head with the hairbrush she's been using to brush Aubrey's hair.
"Sorry. Slipped." Julia places her hands on either side of Aubrey's head and kisses the top of it.
"As a social worker, shouldn't you be against child abuse?" Beca asks.
"Well, now you sound like Chloe," Julia replies, "But I don't believe a little bop on the head sometimes ever hurt anyone."
Aubrey places her hand on the top of her head. "I beg to differ."
"I guess it's a good thing you're not a child then. Go look at your hair." Julia motions toward the mirror. "Does it look alright?"
Aubrey looks downward at the floor instead. The mirror is the last thing she wants to see.
"You don't wanna look? Make sure it's up to standard?" Julia asks.
"I'm sure it looks fine. I mean, all you did is brush it, right?"
Julia rests her hand where she previously tapped Aubrey with the hairbrush, quiet for a moment before saying, "I'm sorry I tapped you on the head."
"It's not that."
"You know, the cuts and bruises are almost gone," Julia tries again after another moment, "You can barely see them."
It's not that either – although seeing what she looks like right now is part of it. She's not crazy. She was right that something was wrong.
"Hey." Julia snaps her out of her daze by rubbing her upper arm. "I'm going to finish getting ready. We don't want to make Catsy late for his vet appointment. Are you all ready?"
"I have to use the bathroom," Aubrey claims, "I'll be out in a second."
"Okay." Julia kisses the top of her head again then places the brush on the counter and ushers Beca out with her.
Aubrey watches them go, staying put until they shut the door behind them. She pushes herself up from the side of the tub and walks over to the counter. There's one way to take care of this. Not looking up, she opens the medicine cabinet so the mirror is facing the wall and all there is to see is Conrad's makeup lining the shelves where the medication should be kept. Nothing to indicate she's crazy there. If anything, he's crazy. Who keeps their medicine cabinet full of concealer and…purple Elmer's glue sticks?
There are few things in this world that Aubrey doesn't need the answer to. This is one of them.
xxxxx
It's easy to ditch Julia at the mall – not that Aubrey wants to admit that purposely taking her to the coffee shop then claiming the smell of coffee is making her nauseous should be considered ditching her. But, yeah, that's essentially what Aubrey does. Beca, on the other hand, is a little more difficult to get rid of. Aubrey could just lose her at FYE – but between abandoning her somewhere then dealing with the anxiety and just dealing with her, the latter seems the lesser of two evils.
"What are we doing here?" Beca asks.
"Why do you ask so many questions?" Aubrey responds.
"Why are you always against giving me answers?"
"Because you don't need them."
"You don't know what I need."
"I can tell you a few things you need." Aubrey stops outside the jewelry store.
Beca looks up at the sign. "Are you going to buy them here?"
"No. I'm going to buy them there." Aubrey looks at the pet store across the walkway. "Because the first thing is a muzzle." She brushes past her into the jewelry shop. The two women standing behind the counter immediately stop talking and stare at her.
"Do you wanna go somewhere else?" Beca whispers when they don't look away.
"No." Aubrey lifts her head high.
One of the ladies, the older of the two, finally rounds the corner to speak to her. "Welcome in. Can I help you with anything today?"
"Just browsing." Aubrey walks away from her to the other end of the store.
"What exactly are we browsing for?" Beca asks, keeping her voice low.
Aubrey stops in front of a glass counter and peers down at the diamond rings.
"This probably isn't my place-" Beca says.
"It isn't."
"But maybe you should wait until she's awake…"
"She's not going to change her mind," Aubrey replies with far more confidence than she feels.
"That's not-" Beca stops herself and sighs, "Do you want help looking?"
No. Because her gaze falls directly on the one she wants – a rose gold and silver band, the two colors twisting delicately around each other, with a circular diamond in the middle and two smaller diamonds on either side. It isn't big. But it's enough to be shown off. She doesn't even have to overthink about it. "That one," Aubrey says immediately.
"It's beautiful," Beca says, "And also really expensive. Don't you want to look around? Do some sort of diamond-related…research? That's a thing, right, to make sure it's real?"
So maybe Aubrey will have this break into her savings. This is the one. She doesn't need to browse or check a few other stores or…research. This is it. She knows it right away and pulls out her credit card. "Excuse me," she calls to one of the sales associates. Neither of them pay attention to her now that she needs them to. She turns, following their gaze to a muted TV in the upper corner of the room – and she sees herself, or what little footage the news crews managed to take of her. To the side is a photo of all the Bellas followed by a photo of the Trebles then one of a lighthouse on the island.
Beca rests a hands on her lower back.
Aubrey slams her card onto the top of the counter. That gets their attention. Then with a tight smile and the utmost composure, she addresses them simply with, "I'd like to make a purchase."
xxxxx
So that's that then. There's no months of driving herself crazy over creating the perfect proposal, rehearsing what she'll say, preparing herself for the chance Chloe might say no, or lying in bed awake at night, giddy over the thought of her saying yes. There's just a box with an impulsively bought ring, hidden in a paper bag that Aubrey clutches protectively to her chest as she follows Julia and Beca around the mall so Beca can take the opportunity to buy some clothes for herself.
How would she have even proposed if she had the chance? Dinner after a Broadway show? In Corona Park – in front of the Unisphere? Chloe loves it there. She would have had to think about it for months, maybe even years.
Or maybe, had things turned out differently for them, Chloe might have proposed to her somewhere other than that terrible place.
"Watch where you're going," Beca complains as Aubrey smacks into her when she stops to look at hoodies.
"Watch where you're stopping," Aubrey retorts, "You're in the middle of the walkway."
"It's a small store; the only place to stop and look is the middle of the walkway." Beca starts picking through one of the racks.
Aubrey rolls her eyes. "It's a store for hoodlums." One of the cashiers has giant holes in his earlobes and Aubrey just wants to ask him…why?!
"Dude, it's Hot Topic. Chill. You're holding that bag like someone is going to steal it from you."
Aubrey stares at her.
"That's really prejudice. I shop here."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"
"You wanna go wait outside?" Julia asks.
Yes. "No."
"If you look around, you might actually find something you like," Beca says.
"I doubt it."
"You won't know unless you try."
Aubrey shakes her head.
"Ill try to be quick then." Beca sifts through the rack in slow motion.
"Beca, don't instigate her," Julia says.
"She implied I'm a hoodlum."
"That's the nice way to put it," Aubrey replies.
"What's the unkind way?" Beca asks, "Hooligan? Ruffian? Are you going to call security?"
"I'm considering it."
Beca glances back at her. "I dare you."
"No." Julia holds up a finger. "No."
"I shopped where you wanted without complaint," Beca claims, "Now it's my turn."
Without complaint might be pushing it…
"What did you buy, Baby?" Julia asks.
"Oh." Aubrey looks down at her bag and hides the company name printed on the front with her fingers. "Um, just some stuff."
"You were very intent on getting here this morning. Did you get what you wanted?"
Aubrey nods.
"Okay. Well, good. You don't wanna share what it is?"
Beca looks at the two of them then plucks a sweatshirt from the rack. "I think I'm ready."
Thank you. "Finally." Aubrey follows her to the counter and tries to hold her tongue as the guy with the ear holes rings her up. She just can't stop staring at them – until finally her curiosity gets the best of her. "You know those things in your ears are hideous, right?"
Julia frowns disapprovingly. "Aubrey."
Beca ducks her head.
"Why would you do that to yourself?" There. That's a better question.
"Uh…I can put a pen through them?" the guy answers like that's his explanation. He pauses ringing up Beca's things to demonstrate.
"You're like, what, thirty years old? Don't you think it's time to contribute to society?"
Before he has a chance to respond, Julia seizes her by the arm and hauls her to the door. (Okay, maybe it's more like gentle nudging, but still.)
"What? He's a grown man, with holes in his ears, who probably still lives in his mother's basement," Aubrey says defensively.
Julia squints her eyes and places her hands on either side of Aubrey's face. "I love you." She kisses her forehead then turns around, leaving Aubrey puzzled. There has to be a 'but' in there somewhere. 'I love you, but…'? "Let's go get a smoothie."
Aubrey groans internally.
"Was that really necessary?" Beca asks, walking up beside her, looking amused if anything.
"At least your ears don't look like that," Aubrey decides.
"Dude, I've been wearing studs since-" Beca pauses. "I took the other ones out days ago."
"Oh." Aubrey examines her ears.
"Girls, what kind of smoothies do you want?" Julia asks.
"That peach one looks really good," Beca answers then turns her attention back to Aubrey, "All that fuss over my 'ear monstrosities' and you didn't even notice they were gone. Wow."
"Sorry. I've been a little bit distracted, Beca."
"Aubrey?" Julia asks.
Aubrey looks at her.
"Smoothie flavor?"
The entire menu looks repulsive. "I just want ice."
"We can work with that."
"Why do you even need that many piercings?" Aubrey asks.
"Because I like them. Why do you need…your waffle maker?"
"What?" Aubrey asks.
"It's the only thing I could think of that you have but don't really need," Beca admits.
"I do need that."
"Why?" Beca asks.
"Because I like making waffles." Or, well, she used to like making them anyway.
"See! That's exactly the same thing!"
"It's not the same thing. Food is a necessity." And, also, she used to make them for Chloe.
Beca looks at her cup of plain, crushed ice as it's handed to her and Aubrey wishes she could take that second part back.
"I'm going home to get my waffle maker," Aubrey announces. She looks for somewhere to put her bag so she can actually hold the cup.
"Are you actually going to eat the waffles?" Beca inquires and offers her bag to out to put it in.
With some hesitation, Aubrey gives her the ring. "No, and neither are you."
"Fine. I didn't ask you for waffles. I said the waffle maker was unnecessary."
"Fine. I wasn't going to let you have any anyway. I'm going to make them for everyone else."
"Dude, fine."
"Fine."
"Why do you always need to have the last word?" Beca asks.
"I don't."
"You so do."
"No."
"See. You're still talking."
"So are you." Beca stays staring at her as she takes a drink from her smoothie.
"Alright, you two," Julia stops them, "The last word is now mine."
Aubrey draws in a breath then releases it as a deep sigh.
"I feel like that still counts as a word," Beca mumbles into her straw.
"Don't do it, Aubrey," Julia warns her.
Aubrey does not need to have the last word. She does, however, need to be the one who decides that the conversation is over. "I'm not arguing with you anymore. Also, didn't you ever learn not to talk with your mouth full? It's disgusting."
"Oh my god," Beca mumbles then takes a long drink that she keeps in her mouth as she says, "It never ends."
"You're the one keeping it going."
Julia pulls Aubrey to the other side of her to separate the two of them. "Have you two ever managed to get along for more than five seconds at a time?"
They both have to stop to think.
Beca finally swallows what's in her mouth. "Yeah, no, literally never."
"Not that I can recall, no." Aubrey steps between them to walk in the middle again.
"This is actually nothing compared to what it used to be. I might even dare say this is Aubrey being nice."
"I'm not the one who starts it."
"Aca-scuse me?" Beca mocks her in a high-pitched tone, "We played the Cobb Energy Performing Arts Centre, you-"
Aubrey kicks her in the shin then walks away, leaving her to hop on one foot.
"Is that you admitting you start it?" Beca asks with a laugh.
"No." Aubrey spins to walk backwards. "That's me finishing it." She turns around again so she doesn't run into anything. There's a window full of different brands of TVs directly in front of her – all of them playing the news.
"I guess the electronics store is out of the question," Beca says. Murder. Massacre. Bloodbath. She turns the other way while Aubrey stops to stare at the subtitles at the bottom of the screens.
Don't they have any other news stories? What about the weather? Nobody cares about the weather anymore? There has to be some natural disaster happening somewhere. And why does she keep seeing her own face? Shouldn't they be showing Jesse's?
"Keep walking, Bunny," Julia says and wraps an arm around her to move her along.
"Do you want to go to the arcade?" Beca asks.
"And do what? I only have one hand. I can't even play pinball."
"What decade were you born in that you think arcades mean pinball?"
"Pinball is a symbol of rebellion, so I just assumed that was your choice of game," Aubrey answers, "Also, the first modern pinball machine was invented in 1931 during The Great Depression and provided people with low-cost entertainment. So, I guess the 1930s."
"You think Pinball is a symbol of rebellion? What's next? Candyland causes diabetes?"
"Candyland was created for Polio patients. And Pinball was illegal for years and associated with the mafia, and, no, I don't want to play at the arcade right now." Aubrey picks up the pace to get away from the electronics store.
"Why is it when I'm actually interested in your history lesson, you walk away?" Beca calls after her, "Come on! You can still play skee ball! Or I can kick your ass at air hockey like I did at pool!"
Aubrey stops walking.
"What? No history lesson on either of those?"
"Tetris." The game she loves most, meaning it's probably also the game Beca loves the least.
"Tetris?"
"Take it or leave it, Beca. Going once, going twice…"
"Okay! Okay, I'll play Tetris with you. Jeez. But then I get to play my games too, and you have to play what I want as long as it doesn't require two hands. Deal?"
Aubrey turns around to face her. "I'll take it into consideration."
"That's what you say when you mean no but want me to stop talking," Beca states.
"You're getting smarter." Aubrey feigns an expression of enthusiastic surprise.
"Aren't you going to step in and stop this?" Beca asks Julia.
"I'm trying to understand it better first," Julia replies, "Right now, it's proven to be a losing battle."
"We're not placing bets on Tetris," Beca says, and ignores Aubrey's exaggerated disappointment, "We already know you're going to win."
"That's the whole point in placing a bet." Aubrey follows her into the arcade and they both stop in front of the ancient looking coin machine. Cash Only. That's outdated even for Aubrey. Cash Only?! It's an arcade, not a privately owned business. Even vending machines take cards these days. They stand there blinking at it together like it's suddenly going to join this century.
"Just ask," Julia hums from behind them.
Beca sheepishly rubs the back of her neck as she turns around. "Can we have some quarters?"
xxxxx
"You think she's going to change her mind when she wakes up, don't you?" It kills Aubrey not to be holding onto the ring, but the box itself won't fit in her pocket, and she can't do anything if she's using her only hand to hang onto the bag. It's bad enough she has to set her cup of ice down on the dirty game in order to play.
"That's not what I was trying to say." Beca is hyper-focused on the Tetris screen, even more so than Aubrey. "Wouldn't it be more romantic if she was awake?"
Romantic.
"Shit," Beca hisses at the game, "You played Minesweeper as a kid, didn't you?"
As a kid? Aubrey still plays Minesweeper. "What does that have to do with Tetris or being romantic?"
"You actually know how to play it too, don't you? You don't just hit random buttons."
"Yes, I know how to play Minesweeper. It's not a very difficult game."
"Knew it. I think you need to get the whole 'Chloe is going to change her mind' thing out of your head, because that's not going to happen. You're basically already living the married life – just the I Love Lucy life where you have separate beds." …which they rarely sleep in anyway. "Why is this game so fucking hard?" She slams her palm down on the rotate button when she loses. "She loves you. That whole family loves you. And even when you're apart, you're still together, you know?"
Aubrey studies her side of the screen, still playing.
"I know you're listening."
"I got the High Score."
Beca sighs and turns to lean backward against the machine. "I should probably start thinking about where I'm going to go."
The High Score screen where Aubrey is supposed to type her name is no longer that important. "What?"
"I can't stay with you guys forever," Beca explains, "I have to go somewhere. I know you want to go back to your apartment, and there's not exactly room for me there."
Well, yeah, but… Aubrey stares numbly at her name in slot #1.
"Skee ball?" Beca asks and pushes herself forward away from the Tetris Machine.
"Are you going back to LA?" Aubrey follows her.
"I don't know."
"What if he's still out there?"
"Are we really that much safer here?" Beca replies.
"Safety in numbers?"
Beca glances back at her.
Yeah, that wasn't really a thing before.
"We still have lives to get on with…right?" Beca sounds as certain as Aubrey feels – which isn't at all. It doesn't feel real to be at an arcade just weeks after nearly dying. It feels like the world should have stopped. But Beca is right. All around them, life is still moving forward, and they should too. They have to. What other choice is there?
Aubrey inserts 50 cents into the skee ball machine then picks up one of the balls.
"Were you just born good at everything?" Beca complains when Aubrey rolls the ball into a top corner hole.
Aubrey nods. But, no, she was just raised not to fail. "This is boring." Then again, nothing is all that enjoyable right now.
"And Tetris is exciting?" Beca also rolls a ball into the top corner on the machine next to her.
"It makes your cerebral cortex thicker and increases brain efficiency," Aubrey answers.
"Yeah, well, skee ball makes your…arm muscles thicker and increases…arm strength," Beca retaliates.
"The ball doesn't even weigh one pound, Beca."
"You still have to swing your arm back and forth a lot."
"Do you know how long you would have to play skee ball every day, with both arms, to see any improvement in muscle mass?"
"No," Beca answers and rolls another ball, "But I have a pocketful of quarters and I'm ready to find out. Unless of course you wanna play some air hockey?"
"No, I really want to see how this goes." Aubrey rolls her last ball then hoists herself up onto a stool sitting in front of the game right next to it. She leans forward intently and waits for Beca to play again. "I might even be willing to donate a few quarters to the cause."
"Shut up." Beca grabs the edge of her stool and spins the seat around as she walks past.
The slightest movement feels like a carnival ride. Aubrey grabs her ice cup and hops down, quickly getting it together before following her to air hockey.
"Your explanation for why Tetris is interesting sounds like that guy's explanation for his gauges."
Aubrey furrows her brows in confusion.
"His ear holes," Beca elaborates, "Give me 50 cents?"
"Why?"
"Because the game costs a dollar." Beca places her two quarters in the slots. "And seeing as there's two of us playing… Do you want me to show my work?"
"I get the feeling that would take too long." Aubrey puts her ice down then hands over two quarters, satisfied when Beca shoots her a glare upon starting the game.
"After this, I need to play some more games that earn tickets," Beca claims, "I never understood why you don't earn tickets on two-player games. Shouldn't the winner get something other than bragging rights?"
"What do you need tickets for?" Aubrey inquires.
"Don't worry about it," Beca uses her earlier statement against her, "Mind your own business."
Aubrey retaliates by hitting the puck as hard as she can and scoring the first goal. "I'm fine with bragging rights." She pauses. "For air hockey at least."
xxxxx
"Hey, Aubrey, remember that time we played air hockey, and you lost?" Beca waves a handful of tickets she won from some Mario game in front of Aubrey's face.
"Are you going to do this the entire time we're here?"
"I'm going to do this all day. I might even do it tomorrow."
"Didn't you say you wanted something other than bragging rights?"
Beca stops blocking Aubrey's view of Tetris with her handful of purple tickets. "Let me rephrase: the winner should get something along with bragging rights. Are you really going to spend all your quarters here?"
Aubrey ignores her.
"Can I have these?" Beca points down at the pile of tickets spitting out of the machine, gathering in the floor.
"If I say yes, will you go away?" Aubrey answers.
"Yes?"
"Is that an answer or a question?" Aubrey asks.
Beca rips off the tickets. "I'll be back for the rest. Also, incoming."
Incoming? Aubrey breaks from her concentration to turn and see Julia walking their way. "Beca…" One of the blocks falls into the wrong spot.
"How are you girls doing?" Julia asks.
"She's mad because she lost air hockey," Beca answers before Aubrey can say a thing.
"I'm mad because you messed me up." Her score doesn't even make it onto the bottom of the High Score list.
"That entire list is your name at this point," Beca points out.
"I thought you were leaving to go waste your money on Mario Kart."
"It's Mario Bros," Beca corrects her, "And, no, I'm going to waste my money on Pacman."
"It's technically my money," Julia reminds them, "And there's no waste in innocent fun."
"Exactly."
"I'd be having more fun if Jason S. wasn't still on the High Score list thanks to you," Aubrey calls after her as she walks away. She sighs and inserts another quarter.
"I know you're not having any fun," Julia says and steals a quarter to play on the screen next to, "And I don't think Beca is either."
Aubrey looks over her shoulder, watching Beca start her game. It sure looks like she's having a good time.
"Don't mistake being overwhelmed for being unphased," Julia says.
Aubrey acknowledges her with a brief look then turns her attention back to a problem that she can tackle right now. Jason S, whoever he is, is about to be slaughtered. Slaughtered. Her hand hovers over the start button. "Nothing is ever going to be the same again, is it?" Nothing. Not even a simple, innocent thought.
Julia covers Aubrey's hand with her own. "Probably not, no."
