Chapter 19
I stare at the flames, mesmerized. They dance and weave bright blazing orange with tips of cobalt blue in the fireplace in Ben's apartment. And despite the heat pumping out of the fire and the blanket draped around my shoulders, I'm cold. Bone-chillingly cold.
I'm aware of hushed voices, many hushed voices. But they're in the background, a distant buzz. I don't hear the words. All I can hear, all I can focus on, is the soft hiss of the gas from the fire.
My thoughts turn to the house we saw yesterday and the huge fireplaces—real fireplaces for burning wood. I'd like to make love with Ben in front of a real fire. I'd like to make love with Ben in front of this fire. Yes, that would be fun. No doubt, he'd think of some way to make it memorable, like all the times we've made love. I snort wryly to myself, even the times when we were just fucking. Yes, those were pretty memorable, too. Where is he?
The flames shimmy and flicker, holding me captive, keeping me numb. I focus solely on their flaring, scorching beauty. They are bewitching.
Malanie, you've bewitched me.
He said that the first time he slept with me in my bed. Oh no…
I wrap my arms around myself, and the world falls away from me and reality bleeds into my consciousness. The creeping emptiness inside expands some more. Mitch Penn is missing.
"Mal. Here," Mrs. Jensen gently coaxes me, her voice bringing me back into the room, into the now, into the anguish. She gives me a cup of tea. I take the cup and saucer gratefully, the rattle betraying my shaking hands.
"Thank you," I whisper, my voice hoarse from unshed tears and the large lump in my throat.
Jane sits across from me on the larger-than-large U-shaped couch, holding hands with Belle. They gaze at me, pain and anxiety etched on their lovely faces. Belle looks older—a mother worried for her son. I blink dispassionately at them. I can't offer a reassuring smile, a tear even—there's nothing, just blankness and the growing emptiness. I gaze at Doug, Jay, Carlos, and Ethan, who stand around the breakfast bar, all serious faces, talking quietly. Discussing something in soft subdued voices. Behind them Mrs. Jensen busies herself in the kitchen.
Evie and Lonnie are in the TV room, monitoring the local news. I hear the faint squawk from the big plasma TV. I can't bear to see the news item again—BENJAMIN ADAMS MISSING—his beautiful face on TV.
Idly it occurs to me that I've never seen so many people in this room, yet they are still dwarfed by its sheer size. Little islands of lost, anxious people in my Ben's home. What would he think about their being here?
Somewhere, Roberts and Adam are talking to the authorities who are drip-feeding us information, but it's all meaningless. The fact is, he's missing. He's been missing for eight hours. No sign, no word from him. The search has been called off—this much I do know. It's just too dark. And we don't know where he is. He could be hurt, hungry, or worse. No!
I offer another silent prayer to God. Please let Ben be okay. Please let Ben be okay. I repeat it over and over in my head—my mantra, my lifeline, something concrete to cling to in my desperation. I refuse to think the worst. No, don't go there. There is hope.
"You're my lifeline."
Ben's words come back to haunt me. Yes, there is always hope. I must not despair. His words echo through my mind.
"I'm now a firm advocate of instant gratification. Carpe diem, Mal."
Why didn't I seize the day?
"I'm doing this because I've finally met someone I want to spend the rest of my life with."
I close my eyes in silent prayer, rocking gently. Please let the rest of his life not be this short. Please, please. We haven't had enough time…we need more time. We've done so much in the last few weeks, so far. It can't end. All our tender moments: the lipstick, when he made love to me for the first time at the Olympic hotel, on his knees in front of me offering himself to me, finally touching him.
"I am just the same, Mal. I love you and I need you. Touch me. Please."
Oh, I love him so much. I will be nothing without him, nothing but a shadow—all the light eclipsed. No no no… my poor Ben.
"This is me, Mal. All of me…and I'm all yours. What do I have to do to make you realize that? To make you see that I want you anyway I can get you. That I love you."
And I you, my Fifty Shades.
I open my eyes and gaze unseeing into the fire once more, memories of our time together flitting through my mind: his boyish joy when we were sailing and gliding; his suave, sophisticated, hot-as-hell look at the masked ball; dancing, oh yes, dancing here in the apartment to Sinatra, whirling around the room; his quiet, anxious hope yesterday at the house—that stunning view.
"I will lay my world at your feet, Malanie. I want you, body and soul, forever."
Oh, please, let him be okay. He cannot be gone. He is the center of my universe.
An involuntary sob escapes my throat, and I clutch my hand to my mouth. No. I must be strong.
Carlos is suddenly at my side, or has he been there a while? I have no idea.
"Do you want to call your mom or dad?" he asks gently.
No! I shake my head and clutch Carlos' hand. I cannot speak, I know I will dissolve if I do, but the warmth and gentle squeeze of his hand offers me no solace.
Oh, Mom. My lip trembles at the thought of my mother. Should I call her? No. I couldn't deal with her reaction. Maybe Haden; he wouldn't get emotional—he never gets emotional, not even when the Mariners lose.
Belle rises to join the boys, distracting me. That must be the longest she's sat still. Jane comes to sit beside me, too, and grabs my other hand.
"He will come back," she says, her voice initially determined but cracking on the last word. Her eyes are wide and red-rimmed, her face pale and pinched from lack of sleep. We lean our heads on one another.
I gaze up at Ethan, who is watching Jane and Doug, who has his arms around Belle. I glance at the clock. It's after eleven, heading toward midnight. Damn time! With each passing hour, the clawing emptiness expands, consuming me, choking me. I know deep down inside I am preparing myself for the worst. I close my eyes and offer up another silent prayer, clasping both Jane's and Carlos' hands.
Opening my eyes again, I stare into the flames once more. I can see his shy smile—my favorite of all his expressions, a glimpse of the real Ben, my real Ben. He is so many people: control freak, CEO, stalker, sex god, Dom—and at the same time—such a boy with his toys. I smile. His car, his boat, his plane, his Mitch Penn helicopter…my lost boy, truly lost right now. My smile fades and pain lances through me. I remember him in the shower, wiping away the lipstick marks.
"I'm nothing, Malanie. I'm a husk of a man. I don't have a heart."
The lump in my throat expands. Oh, Ben, you do, you do have a heart, and it's mine. I want to cherish it forever. Even though he's so complex and difficult, I love him. I will always love him. There will never be anyone else. Ever.
I remember sitting in Starbucks weighing up my Ben pros and cons. All those cons, even those photographs I found this morning, melt into insignificance now. There's just him and whether he'll come back. Oh please, Lord, bring him back, please let him be okay. I'll go to church…I'll do anything. Oh, if I get him back, I shall seize the day. His voice echoes around in my head once more: "Carpe diem, Mal."
I gaze deeper into the fire, the flames still licking and curling around each other, blazing brightly. Then Belle shrieks, and everything goes into slow motion.
"Ben!"
I turn my head in time to see Belle barreling across the great room from where she had been pacing somewhere behind me, and there in the entrance stands a dismayed Ben. He's dressed in just his shirtsleeves and suit pants, and he's holding his navy jacket, shoes, and socks. He looks tired, dirty, and utterly beautiful.
Holy fuck…Ben. He's alive. I gaze numbly at him, trying to work out if I'm hallucinating or if he's really here.
His expression is one of utter bewilderment. He deposits his jacket and shoes on the floor in time to catch Belle, who throws her arms around his neck and kisses him hard on the cheek.
"Mom?"
Ben gazes down at her, completely at a loss.
"I thought I'd never see you again," Belle whispers, voicing our collective fear.
"Mom, I'm here." I hear the consternation in his voice.
"I died a thousand deaths today," she whispers, her voice barely audible, echoing my thoughts. She gasps and sobs, no longer able to hold back her tears. Ben frowns, horrified or mortified—I don't know which—then after a beat, envelops her in a huge hug, holding her close.
"Oh, Ben," she chokes, wrapping her arms around him, weeping into his neck—all self-restraint forgotten—and Ben doesn't balk. He just holds her, rocking to and fro, comforting her. Scalding tears pool in my eyes. Adam hollers from the hallway.
"He's alive! Shit—you're here!" He appears from Roberts' office, clutching his cell phone, and embraces both of them, his eyes closed in sweet relief.
"Dad?"
Jane squeals something unintelligible from beside me, then she's up and runs to join her parents, hugging all of them, too.
Finally the tears start to cascade down my cheeks. He's here, he's fine. But I cannot move.
Adam is the first to pull away, wiping his eyes and clapping Ben on the shoulder. Jane releases them then, and Belle steps back.
"Sorry," she mumbles.
"Hey, Mom—it's okay," Ben says, consternation still evident on his face.
"Where were you? What happened?" Belle cries and puts her head in her hands.
"Mom," Ben mutters. He draws her into his arms again and kisses the top of her head. "I'm here. I'm good. It's just taken me a hell of a long time to get back from Portland. What's with the welcoming committee?" He looks up and scans the room until his eyes lock with mine.
He blinks and glances briefly at Carlos, who lets go of my hand. Ben's mouth tightens. I drink in the sight of him and relief courses through me, leaving me spent, exhausted, and completely elated. Yet my tears don't stop. Ben turns his attention back to his mother.
"Mom, I'm good. What's wrong?" Ben says reassuringly. She places her hands on either side of his face.
"Ben, you've been missing. Your flight plan—you never made it to Seattle. Why didn't you contact us?"
Ben's eyebrows shoot up in surprise. "I didn't think it would take this long."
"Why didn't you call?"
"No power in my cell."
"You didn't stop…call collect?"
"Mom—it's a long story."
"Oh, Ben! Don't you ever do that to me again! Do you understand?" she half shouts at him.
"Yes, Mom." He wipes her tears away with his thumbs and hugs her once more. When she composes herself, he releases her to hug Jane, who slaps him hard on the chest.
"You had us so worried!" she blurts out, and she, too, is in tears.
"I'm here now, for heaven's sake," Ben mutters.
As Doug comes forward, Ben relinquishes Jane to Adam, who already has one arm around his wife. He curls the other around his daughter. Doug hugs Ben briefly, much to Ben's surprise, and slaps him hard on the back.
"Great to see you," Doug says loudly, if a little gruffly, trying to hide his emotion.
Jay hugged Ben just as hard as Jane did and then stepped back clasping his shoulder.
As the tears stream down my face, I can see it all. The great room is bathed in it—unconditional love. He has it in spades; he's just never accepted it before, and even now he's at a total loss.
Look, Ben, all these people love you! Perhaps now you'll start believing it.
Evie and Lonnie are standing behind me—they must have left the TV room—and Evie gently strokes my hair.
"He's really here, Mal," she murmurs comfortingly.
"I'm going to say hi to my girl now," Ben tells his parents. Both of them nod, smile, and step aside.
He moves toward me, hazel green eyes bright though weary and still bemused. From somewhere deep inside, I find the strength to stagger to my feet and bolt into his open arms.
"Ben!" I sob.
"Hush," he says and holds me, burying his face in my hair and inhaling deeply. I raise my tearstained face to his, and he kisses me far too briefly.
"Hi," he murmurs.
"Hi," I whisper back, the lump in the back of my throat burning.
"Miss me?"
"A bit."
He grins. "I can tell." And with a gentle touch of his hand, he wipes away the tears that refuse to stop running down my cheeks.
"I thought…I thought—" I choke.
"I can see. Hush…I'm here. I'm here…" he murmurs and kisses me chastely again.
"Are you okay?" I ask, releasing him and touching his chest, his arms, his waist—oh, the feel of this warm, vital, sensual man beneath my fingers—reassures me that he's here, standing in front of me. He's back. He doesn't so much as flinch. He just regards me intently.
"I'm okay. I'm not going anywhere."
"Oh, thank God." I clasp him around his waist again, and he hugs me once more. "Are you hungry? Do you need something to drink?"
"Yes."
I step back to get him something, but he doesn't let me go. He tucks me under his arm and extends a hand to Carlos.
"Mr. Adams," says Carlos evenly.
Ben snorts. "Ben, please," he says.
"Ben, welcome back. Glad you're okay…and, um—thanks for letting me stay."
"No problem." Ben narrows his eyes, but he's distracted by Mrs. Jensen, who is suddenly at his side. It only occurs to me now that she's not her usual smart self. I hadn't noticed it before. Her hair is loose, and she's in soft gray leggings and a large gray sweatshirt with WSU COUGARS emblazoned on the front that dwarfs her. She looks years younger.
"Can I get you something, Mr. Adams?" She wipes her eyes with a tissue.
Ben smiles fondly at her. "A beer, please, Samantha—Budvar—and a bite to eat."
"I'll get it," I murmur, wanting to do something for my man.
"No. Don't go," he says softly, tightening his arm around me.
The rest of his family closes in, and Lonnnie, Ethan and Evie join us. He shakes Ethan's hand and gives Lonnie and Evie a quick peck on the cheek. Mrs. Jensen returns with a bottle of beer and a glass. He takes the bottle but shakes his head at the glass. She smiles and returns to the kitchen.
"Surprised you don't want something stronger," mutters Doug. "So what the fuck happened to you? First I knew was when Dad called me to say the chopper was missing."
"Doug!" Belle scolds.
"Helicopter," Ben growls, correcting Doug, who grins, and I suspect this is a family joke.
"Let's sit and I'll tell you." Ben pulls me over to the couch, and everyone sits down, all eyes on Ben. He takes a long drink of his beer. He spies Roberts hovering at the entrance and nods. Roberts nods back.
"Your daughter?"
"She's fine now. False alarm, sir."
"Good." Ben smiles.
Daughter? What happened to Roberts' daughter?
"Glad you're back, sir. Will that be all?"
"We have a helicopter to pick up."
Roberts nods. "Now? Or will the morning do?"
"Morning, I think, Roberts."
"Very good, Mr. Adams. Anything else, sir?"
Ben shakes his head and raises his bottle to him. Roberts gives him a rare smile—rarer than Ben's, I think—and heads out, presumably to his office or up to his room.
"Ben, what happened?" Adam demands.
Ben launches into his story. He was flying in Mitch Penn with Ros, his number two, to deal with a funding issue at WSU in Vancouver. I can barely keep up, I'm so dazed. I just hold Ben's hand and stare at his manicured fingernails, his long fingers, the creases on his knuckles, his wristwatch—an Omega with three small dials. I gaze up at his beautiful profile as he continues his tale.
"Ros had never seen Mount Saint Helens, so on the way back as a celebration, we took a quick detour. I heard the temporary flight restriction was lifted a while back, and I wanted to take a look. Well, it's fortunate that we did. We were flying low, about two hundred feet above ground level, when the instrument panel lit up. We had a fire in the tail—I had no choice but to cut all the electronics and land." He shakes his head. "I set her down by Silver Lake, got Ros out, and managed to put the fire out."
"A fire? Both engines?" Adam is horrified.
"Yep."
"Shit! But I thought—"
"I know," Ben interrupts him. "It was sheer luck I was flying so low," he murmurs. I shudder. He releases my hand and puts his arm around me.
"Cold?" he asks me. I shake my head.
"How did you put out the fire?" asks Evie, her Carla Bernstein instincts kicking in. Jeez, she sounds terse sometimes.
"Extinguisher. We have to carry them—by law," Ben answers levelly.
His words from long ago circle my mind. I thank Divine Providence every day that it was you who came to interview me and not Evilyn White.
"Why didn't you call or use the radio?" Belle asks.
Ben shakes his head. "With the electronics out, we had no radio. And I wasn't going to risk turning them on because of the fire. GPS was still working on the iPhone, so I was able to navigate to the nearest road. Took us four hours to walk there. Ros was in heels." Ben's mouth presses into a disapproving flat line.
"We had no cell reception. There's no coverage at Gifford. Ros's battery died first. Mine dried up on the way."
Holy hell. I tense and Ben pulls me into his lap.
"So how did you get back to Seattle?" Belle asks, blinking slightly at the sight of the two of us, no doubt. I flush.
"We hitched and pooled our resources. Between us, Ros and I had six hundred dollars, and we thought we'd have to bribe someone to drive us back, but a truck driver stopped and agreed to bring us home. He refused the money and shared his lunch with us." Ben shakes his head in dismay at the memory. "Took forever. He didn't have a cell—weird but true. I didn't realize." He stops, gazing at his family.
"That we'd worry?" Belle scoffs. "Oh, Ben!" she scolds him. "We've been going out of our minds!"
"You've made the news, bro." Jay said as he wrapped an arm around Lonnie's shoulder.
Ben rolls his eyes. "Yeah. I figured that out when I arrived to this reception and the handful of photographers outside. I'm sorry, Mom—I should have asked the driver to stop so I could phone. But I was anxious to be back." He glances at Carlos.
Oh, that's why, because Carlos is staying here. I frown at the thought. Jeez—all that worry.
Belle shakes her head. "I'm just glad you're back in one piece, darling."
I start to relax, resting my head against his chest. He smells outdoorsy, slightly sweaty, of body wash—of Ben, the most welcome scent in the world. Tears start to trickle down my face again, tears of gratitude.
"Both engines?" Adam says again, frowning in disbelief.
"Go figure." Ben shrugs and runs his hand down my back.
"Hey," he whispers. He puts his fingers under my chin and tilts my head back. "Stop with the crying."
I wipe my nose with the back of my hand in a most unladylike way. "Stop with the disappearing." I sniff and his lips quirk up.
"Electrical failure…that's odd, isn't it?" Adam says again.
"Yes, crossed my mind, too, Dad. But right now, I'd just like to go to bed and think about all that shit tomorrow."
"So the media knows that THE Benjamin Adams has been found safe and well?" Lonnie says.
"Yes. Rebecca and my PR people will deal with the media. Ros called her after we dropped her home."
"Yes, Rebecca called me to let me know you were still alive." Adam grins.
"I must give that woman a raise. Sure is late," says Ben.
"I think that's a hint, ladies and gentlemen, that my dear bro needs his beauty sleep," Doug scoffs suggestively. Ben grimaces at him.
"Beast, my son is safe. You can take me home now."
Beast? Belle looks adoringly at her husband.
"Beast?" I managed to ask.
"Yes, I call him my beast." Belle said as she grasped his hand. "Why?"
"Oh. I just find it funny, because my mom calls me Beasty."
"ANOTHER reason to love you!" Adam says happily. "But, my dear wife is right. I think we could use the sleep," Adam replies, smiling down at her.
"Stay," Ben offers.
"No, sweetheart, I want to get home. Now that I know you're safe."
Ben reluctantly eases me onto the couch and stands. Belle hugs him once more, presses her head against his chest, and closes her eyes, content. He wraps his arms around her.
"I was so worried, darling," she whispers.
"I'm okay, Mom."
She leans back and studies him intently while he holds her. "Yes. I think you are," she says slowly, glances at me, and smiles. I flush.
We follow Adam and Belle as they make their way to the foyer. Behind me, I'm aware that Jane and Ethan are having a heated whispered conversation, but I can't hear it.
Jane is smiling shyly at Ethan, and he's gaping at her and shaking his head. Suddenly she crosses her arms and turns on her heel. He rubs his forehead with one hand, obviously frustrated.
"Mom, Dad—wait for me," Jane calls sullenly. Perhaps she's as mercurial as her brother.
Evie and Lonnie hug me hard on my sides. "I can tell some serious shit's been going down while I've been blissfully ignorant in Barbados and Lonnie was in Paris. It's kind of obvious you two are nuts about each other. I'm glad he's safe. Not just for him, Mal—for you, too."
"Thank you, Evie," I whisper.
"Yeah. Who knew we'd all find love at the same time?" Lonnie grins.
"Yeah. Lonnie ends up with Jay, who is a brother to Evie and I. While Evie and I end up dating brothers!" I giggle.
"We could end up sisters-in-law," Evie quips.
I tense, then mentally kick myself as Evie stands back to gaze at me with her what-aren't-you-telling-me look. I flush. Damn, should I tell her he's asked me?
"Come on, baby," Doug summons her from the elevator.
"Let's talk tomorrow, Mal. You must be exhausted."
"Yeah. You guys can talk your ears off tomorrow." Jay said as he wrapped his arm around Lonnie's waist.
I am reprieved. "Sure. All of you have traveled long distances today."
We hug once more, then they follow the Adams' into the elevator. Ethan shakes Ben's hand and gives me a quick hug. He looks distracted, but he follows them into the elevator and the doors close.
Carlos is hovering in the hallway as we come out of the foyer.
"Look. I'll turn in…leave you guys," he says.
I blush. Why is this awkward?
"Do you know where to go?" Ben asks.
Carlos nods.
"Yeah, the housekeeper—"
"Mrs. Jensen," I prompt.
"Yeah, Mrs. Jensen, she showed me earlier. Quite a place you have here, Ben."
"Thank you," Ben says politely as he comes to stand beside me, placing his arm around my shoulders. Leaning over, he kisses my hair.
"I'm going to eat whatever Mrs. Jensen has put out for me. Good night, Carlos." Ben wanders back into the great room, leaving Carlos and me at the entrance.
Wow! Left alone with Carlos.
"Well, good night." Carlos looks uncomfortable all of a sudden.
"Good night, Carlos, and thank you for staying."
"Sure, Mal. Any time your rich, hotshot boyfriend goes missing—I'll be there."
"Carlos!" I admonish him.
"Only kidding. Don't get mad. I'll be leaving early in the morning. I'll see you sometime, yeah? I've missed you."
"Sure, Carlos. Soon, I hope. Sorry tonight was so…shitty." I smirk apologetically.
"Yeah." He grins. "Shitty." He hugs me. "Seriously, Mal, I'm glad you're happy, but I'm here if you need me."
I gaze up at him. "Thank you."
He flashes me a sad, bittersweet smile, and then he goes upstairs.
I turn back to the great room. Ben stands beside the couch, watching me with an unreadable expression on his face. We're finally alone and we gaze at each other.
"He's still got it bad, you know," he murmurs.
"And how would you know that, Mr. Adams?"
"I recognize the symptoms, Ms. Fey. I believe I have the same affliction."
"I thought I'd never see you again," I whisper. There—the words are out. All my worst fears packaged neatly in one short sentence now exorcised.
"It wasn't as bad as it sounds."
I pick up his suit jacket and shoes from where they lie on the floor and move toward him.
"I'll take that," he whispers, reaching for his jacket.
Ben gazes down at me as if I'm his reason for living and mirrors my look, I'm sure. He is here, really here. He pulls me into his arms and wraps himself around me.
"Ben," I gasp, and my tears start anew.
"Hush," he soothes, kissing my hair. "You know…in the few seconds of sheer terror before I landed, all my thoughts were of you. You're my talisman, Mal."
"I thought I'd lost you," I breathe. We stand, holding each other, reconnecting and reassuring each other. As I tighten my arms around him, I realize I'm still holding his shoes. I drop them noisily to the floor.
"Come and shower with me," he murmurs.
"Okay." I glance up at him. I don't want to let go. Reaching down, he tilts my chin up with his fingers.
"You know, even tearstained, you are beautiful, Malanie Fey." He leans down and kisses me gently. "And your lips are so soft." He kisses me again, deepening it.
Oh my…and to think I could have lost…no… I stop thinking and surrender myself.
"I need to put my jacket down," he murmurs.
"Drop it," I murmur against his lips.
"I can't."
I lean back to gaze up at him, puzzled.
He smirks at me. "This is why." From the inside breast pocket he pulls out the small box I gave him that contains my present. He slings the jacket over the back of the couch and places the box on top.
Seize the day, Mal, my subconscious prods me. Well, it's after midnight, so technically it's his birthday.
"Open it," I whisper, and my heart starts pounding.
"I was hoping you'd say that," he murmurs. "This has been driving me crazy."
I grin impishly at him. I feel giddy. He gives me his shy smile, and I melt despite my thumping heart, delighting in his amused yet intrigued expression. With deft fingers, he unwraps and opens the box. His brow creases as he fishes out a small, rectangular, plastic key chain featuring a picture made up of tiny pixels that flash on and off like an LED screen. It depicts the Seattle skyline with the word SEATTLE written boldly across the landscape.
He stares at it for a minute and then gazes at me, bemused, a frown marring his lovely brow.
"Turn it over," I whisper, holding my breath.
He does, and his eyes shoot to mine, wide and hazel green, alive with wonder and joy. His lips part in disbelief.
The word YES flashes on and off on the key ring.
"Happy birthday," I whisper.
