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Chapter 15
Four Years Ago (The Day it All Fell Apart)
It felt like a thousand bullets had pierced him in the heart. All this time he knew he was to blame, he had blamed himself. But not once, had she said it out loud. The words leaving her mouth made his body grow numb. There was such hatred in her eyes that stared back at him.
"You are to blame!" She screamed again, at the top of her lungs. Her hands were clutched into tight fists. "You want to leave so badly, then leave! I don't want to see your face ever again!"
"Anna, you don't mean that, surely." Mary's voice threw John off-guard. He wasn't sure when she had walked into this mess, but she was here now, horror over her face at Anna's words. She stepped between the two of them and tried to make her friend see reason. "You're hurt, but you don't mean those words. Those are words you can't take back, Anna."
But Anna cut her head toward Mary quickly and shook her head.
"Stay out of this, Mary," she warned, clinching her teeth. Anna's body was shaking, trembling with anger and the overwhelming sadness that seemed to only grow more and more each day. Even in this moment, when she was being horrible to him, he wanted to pull her into his arms and tell her that everything would be alright, despite it not being true. He couldn't fix this. No one could.
"Anna, I'm only trying to help. You…"
"Don't tell me how to act, Mary!" Anna yelled. "You don't get to act superior to me! It's not fair! You leave your children with a nanny all the time! I was always with my daughter and I lost her! I was a good mother and I lost her! I didn't leave her with a nanny! I didn't ignore her like you ignore your children! It's not fair!'
Mary grew pale and her lower lip trembled slightly. The strong Mary that John knew was struggling to keep up her façade. It was John's turn to interrupt.
"Anna," he strongly butted in. "Leave Mary out of this. She's your best friend and you don't mean any of that."
"Stop telling me what I mean!" Anna screeched. "I want you both to leave! Get away from me! I don't want to see either of you ever again! Move to Scotland! Go back to Downton! Just leave me the fuck alone!"
Mary whimpered and she quickly escaped the house. John sighed, his eyes following Mary, wondering if he shouldn't go after her. But he decided he should stay with his wife, for now. He turned to face her and tried to step forward to her. Anna's hands had come over her face and she was taking harsh breaths in and out.
"Anna," he calmly tried, placing his hand on her shoulder. She jerked her head up and backed up, away from his touch.
"Leave me alone! I want you gone! Leave! You have been talking about going to Edinburg," her voice fell eerily calm. "So go. You gave up on us a long time ago."
John felt a large knot grow in the pit of his stomach. He turned and walked away. As he stepped into the living room, he heard a loud crash. Quickly, he rushed back into the kitchen where one of their dishes was shattered all over the floor. Anna was standing with a dish towel in her hands, glancing down at the mess.
"Oh my god," John murmured. "Anna, be careful. You'll cut yourself. Here, let me….."
"GO AWAY!" Anna screamed at the top of her lungs. "GO THE FUCK AWAY!"
-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-
Now
For the last few days at the beach house, Anna hadn't spoken to John unless it was absolutely necessary. She would act cheerful in front of Emmy, but when it was just the two of them, she would give him the cold shoulder. He knew why she was angry and he even understood. He was supposed to always be outside with Emmy and not leave her alone, not for a second. Look what had happened last time.
However, he had noticed that Emmy and Anna seemed to be getting along better and that made his heart feel lighter. Emmy spoke to Anna more and they even laughed together. When Anna told Emmy that she was going to home school her for a little while, Emmy had been excited. It had made John smile. Maybe things would be alright. Sure, Anna was angry at him, but she had been for five years now. It was just how it was.
He sighed.
John's phone dinged with a text message. Glancing at the phone, he saw it was from Casey.
Hey babe, how is the beach? You'll be back to Yorkshire tomorrow, correct? Miss you!
John read over the text twice before replying, It's fine. Yes, we'll be back tomorrow. Miss you too.
He watched as three bubbles appeared to signify that she was typing back, but then they disappeared. He waited for a moment, before deciding that she wasn't actually trying to tell him anything else. When he got back to the house tomorrow, he would need to call her.
"Come on, Emmy," Anna called from the bathroom. "It's time for bed. If we want to have time to go to the beach one more time tomorrow, we have to wake up early."
Emmy jumped up from the floor where she was rubbing Butler's belly. Then she surprised John by wrapping her arms around his neck and squeezing him tight.
"Goodnight, Daddy! Sleep tight!" John's eyes watered and he brought his own arms around her. It was the first time she had shown him physical affection since her arrival home. He held her for an extra moment and then let her go.
"Goodnight, my little darling," he murmured to her. "I love you. Sleep well and I'll see you in the morning." Emmy smiled brightly at him, nodding, and then bounced off toward her mother.
-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-
"Did you brush your teeth?" Emmy nodded.
"Good girl," Anna said to her, winking. "Come on and climb into bed and I'll read you a chapter of your book."
Emmy did as she was asked and slid under the covers. Anna sat on the edge of the bed and grabbed the book off of the bedside table, but Emmy placed her hand on Anna's wrist to stop her.
"I'm sorry that I still miss her," Emmy said, narrowing her eyes mournfully and twisting her lips. "I know it makes you angry." Anna felt her stomach turn and she quickly inhaled and shook the thoughts away.
"I'm not angry at you, Emmy," Anna assured her. "I'm not angry at you. I am angry at her. She took you from me and your dad and your family that loves you so very much. And I'm angry that by taking you, she's hurt you. You missed five years with us too and now you're hurting because you miss her. I know that I yelled at you the other day, but that anger wasn't toward you, my sweet girl. It has never been toward you. I don't know how to make this better for you, for any of us, Emmy. We'll talk to Dr. Latham about some ideas. But I promise I am trying my best."
Emmy's hand was still on Anna's wrist. She let it go and rested more comfortably against the pillows.
"You're doing a good job," Emmy whispered. "I feel safe with you and with Daddy. And happy. I was scared with her," Emmy confessed. "I was always left alone."
Anna swallowed hard. She brought her hand up to brush some of Emmy's hair off her forehead.
"We won't ever leave you alone," Anna promised. Emmy gave her a small smile.
"I know you won't. Will you braid my hair tomorrow?" Anna's heart grew light.
"Absolutely."
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John heard the back door slide open. As he looked up, he saw that Anna was stepping outside. He decided to follow her. It was probably best that they speak now before it blew up, again. There were five years of hurting one another that needed to be put out into the air and resolved. They couldn't continue to live like this.
When he stepped out onto the small porch, Anna immediately turned and scowled. She seemed upset that he was interrupting her quiet time. His heart fell slightly. He missed his Anna. He missed himself. He doubted they would ever be those people again.
"Anna, I shouldn't have left Emmy outside by herself. I know….."
Anna's hand came up to stop him from speaking.
"Not right now," she whispered, shaking her head sharply. "I don't want to talk about it right now. We're still on a holiday with Emmy. She's finally opening up. I don't want to fight and argue while we're here. Once we return, we can have it out, alright?"
"I don't want to argue with you at all, Anna," John tried. "I just…."
"We'll figure it out later," Anna bit, not allowing him to say anymore. John placed his hands up in surrender. Seemingly satisfied, Anna turned away from him, hugging her arms around her chest. He could feel tears building up within his eyes. He still loved her; he did. He could never deny that fact. They had loved each other from the moment they laid eyes on one another.
Anna had been the bolder of the two of them when it came to showing her love. She had fought for the two of them when life kept trying to get in the way. He had always been so enamored by her strength. When he tried to tell her to find a better man, she had told him there was no better man. Oh, how he hadn't know what love was until he met her. His life had felt such meaning.
He hated that he let her down. In the end, he hadn't been strong enough. He had allowed her to push him away. He shouldn't have gone. He should have stayed and insisted they mourn together.
His hand slowly reached out toward Anna, but he thought about it again and brought his hand back to his side. This would never be fixed.
Heavily sighing, he turned and went back inside.
-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-
When they arrived back to the house, John helped Emmy with Butler so that he wouldn't run away. Anna ignored him, going to the boot of the car to grab some of the luggage.
Emmy started chatting about how excited she was to tell her grandparents all about their trip. She went on and on about how she couldn't wait to go again with them. John smiled and told her how he was sure they wanted to go as well. Then he grabbed a piece of luggage and followed Emmy and Butler into the house.
Emmy set Butler down on the floor and he ran in search of his owners. John placed the luggage by the door and closed it behind him. He heard chatting in the living room and walked in to say hello to his in-laws.
Stepping into the living room, however, he was surprised. Sitting with Anna's parents was Casey. She was chatting to the two of them and Anna was standing a few steps back kindly, but awkwardly telling her hello.
Upon seeing John, Casey stood from the couch. She walked over to him and pressed a chaste kiss on John's cheek.
"Who are you?" Emmy asked, her lips curling up uneasily to one side.
"I'm your daddy's….."
"Friend," John quickly interrupted Casey. He placed his hands on her wrists and gently moved her to the side. "This is my friend, Casey."
"Right," Casey replied, eying him carefully. "I'm Casey and I've come to say hello."
"Hi," Emmy just answered, moving back a few steps until she was in front of Anna. John's eyes moved up to Anna and saw that her face was nearly ashen and her eyes somber.
"Elsie and Charlie have been great hosts. But perhaps, I could speak with you for a moment?" Casey asked.
"Yes, of course. We'll be right out back," John said to his in-laws, Anna, and Emmy. "Come on, Casey."
The two of them walked out back and as soon as they were out of earshot, John asked her,
"What are you doing here? I thought you had work in Austria."
"I did, but I missed you! I thought I would surprise you," she answered with a smile. John let out a long breath. Well, she was right. She did surprise him.
To be continued...
Ah, Casey, you knew she'd have to show up eventually, right?
