TW: This chapter deals with self harm and mentions of self harm.
Thank you all so very much! You are all so very kind! I do hope you'll enjoy this chapter! It's a very important one ;)
Chapter 17
Four Years Ago (The Day it All Fell Apart)
Anna stared down at the broken dish on the floor. It had slipped out of her hands, crashing onto the tile. The sound had reverberated through the walls, even gaining John's attention. But she had told him to leave her alone.
Now her eyes couldn't leave the shards of the plate. It was a plate they had received when they got married. It was part of a set. A set she had chosen for their wedding registry. A set that was supposed to signify they were a family. There was no family, not anymore.
She turned her arm to look at where the rose had nicked her skin. For a brief moment, she had been able to focus on something other than the pain deep within her heart. It had taken away the hurt and the feeling of loss within her. Her fingers ran lightly over the cut and then her eyes fell back to the floor.
Slowly, she bent down. She grabbed one of the larger shards. She looked at the flowery pattern, turning the shard around in her hand. Then with a quick swipe, she ran it against her palm. Her eyes remained glued to the blood as it seeped from her hand. She felt: relief. Her eyes shut and she hummed to herself.
The feeling left almost as soon as it came. So she pulled herself back up and grabbed a cloth to place over the wound, pretending as though it hadn't happened.
-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-
Now
John happily sighed, while Anna's head rested against his chest. They were tangled together, as one. They were now complete; no longer two missing pieces. He held her tightly, not wanting to ever let her go again. Gently, he brought his lips to caress against the top of her head.
"I love you," he whispered into her hair.
"I love you, too," she replied against his chest, her voice full of contentment. Her hand was fanned out against his course hair. John was running his fingers up and down the top of her arm.
The two of them had been laying together for a long while now, very little words spoken, but none had been needed, not right away. This is what they had been missing: each other. They had finally allowed themselves to become one again.
Anna shifted slightly and again, John saw the scars that worried him. His lips fell into a frown and he lifted up the cover slightly. Running up Anna's arms, on her hips, and upper legs were various scars. Some were light, but others were dark. There was a particularly ominous one on her left arm. It was jagged and raw. Carefully, John lifted up her arm to inspect it, making Anna bring the covers up and over her naked frame and then tighten her arm against him. Her once relaxed figure, stiffened.
"Please let me see it," John pleaded. Anna made a sound, but she allowed him to look at the scars on her arm. As he got a better look, his heart tightened. "When did this happen? How…" He paused, not wanting to sound judgmental. "Tell me about this, please."
Anna hid her face from him, ashamed. She picked at the edge of the blanket and John could tell she was nervous to confess to him what had happened.
John's chest ached. He had known his wife had been in pain, but not that she had harmed herself. He swallowed hard and then waited patiently for her to feel comfortable with telling him her story.
"I…I didn't mean for it to get this bad," she quietly began. "I…I was in so much pain that couldn't see straight. I didn't feel I deserved anyone, especially you. And I found that there was momentary relief from my pain when I would cut myself." Her voice grew almost inaudible, but John heard her. He held her closer, her words breaking his heart. Though he had known it was likely what she was going to say, it hurt more hearing her say it.
"When did it start?" John gingerly prodded.
"On the anniversary of Emmy's disappearance," Anna said, her head still hidden and voice still low. "With the shard from the dish I accidently broke."
"Oh Anna," John murmured. "I…I should have known! I should have never left you!"
Anna looked up at him then, sitting herself up slightly. She shook her head and met his eyes.
"No, you didn't know and you couldn't have known. I was self-sabotaging. It's why I sent you away and was so horrible to Mary. I hated myself. I would have never let you know because then you would have stayed and you staying would have helped me. I wouldn't allow that. I was too far gone." Anna's lower lip began to tremble and John rested his hand against her cheek. His eyes searched her face, which only made his heart break more. How could he had left her when she was so broken? How had he missed how far she had gone?
"Tell me about this one," he said, running his finger along the jagged scar on her lower arm. Anna's eyes fell downcast and she twisted her lips. "Please, my darling. I need to know."
Anna sharply inhaled, as a tear slid down her cheek. She then resettled herself against his chest.
"Alright. I'll tell you."
-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-
Four Years Ago
Mary anxiously knocked on Anna's front door. It had been four weeks since she had driven away from this house in tears. In those four weeks, she hadn't heard anything from her friend. She had tried to give her space and understanding, but now she was worried. When the neighbor, who kindly gave Mary weekly updates, told Mary that she hadn't seen Anna out of the house in two days, Mary knew something was terribly wrong.
No one answered the door. Mary was prepared for this. She pulled the spare key from her pocket and placed it in the door. However, it opened automatically. It hadn't been locked.
She pushed it forward and walked into the house. Immediately, the stale stench of old food and dust hit her nose. She made a face and stepped further inside.
As she made it into the living room, she saw old food containers sitting on the tables and the couch was covered in possibly washed clothes, or maybe dirty ones. She wasn't sure. But she also wasn't going to investigate, either. The coffee table had a spilled drink on it with what looked like caked on, thickened, syrup.
"Anna!" She called. "Where are you?"
No answer.
Mary continued to make her way through Anna's home. The kitchen was just as messy as the living room. Mary's nose turned up at the stale food on the countertops.
"Anna?"
Again, no answer.
She sighed. Realizing her friend wasn't downstairs, she made her way up the staircase. Her feet went quickly, her concern growing.
When she reached Anna's bedroom and pushed the door open, she saw that Anna was lying in her bed. There was a thick comforter over Anna's frame. The television was blaring loudly. Mary stepped slowly inside and walked toward Anna. At the sound of her footsteps, Anna looked up. Then her eyes fell back to the television.
"You should leave," Anna said to Mary.
"I don't think so," Mary replied. Her eyes roamed over the disastrous room. Clothes had been discarded on the floor. More food cartons were dispersed around the room. "Your house is a mess. You can't live like this."
But Anna burst into tears. Her head shook wildly.
"I treated you terribly. Please go! Please! You can never forgive me. Just leave me alone!"
Mary's heart constricted in her chest and she bent forward, gently pushing Anna's matted and unkempt hair off her cheek.
"No, Anna. I forgive you, because I love you."
"You can't!" Anna cried harder. Mary's lips pursed into a thin line. Her eyes fell to Anna's bedside table and that was when she saw the sharp knife. Her pulse began to race.
"Anna, what's that?" She asked, pointing to the knife. Anna didn't answer. She just closed her eyes.
"Please go."
But Mary ignored her. She snatched the covers off Anna's body and her entire frame grew cold when she saw the multiple cuts, at varying stages of healing, along her pale skin. Anna was only in her undergarments and her body began to shake at the cold against her skin.
"Oh my god." Her horror grew as her eyes fell on the bloody cloth against Anna's arm. Anna was holding it tightly with her right hand, which had turned red from the blood. Mary felt her stomach lurch. But she shook that away and quickly sat down on the bed, pulling the harmed arm toward her. As she took the cloth off Anna's arm, she saw just how gruesome the cut was. It was deep and jagged. Her stomach churned, as she pressed the cloth back against the cut.
Anna grew hysterical, trying to pull the covers back over her shaking figure, "I…I didn't mean to cut it so deeply. I…I…."
"I have to call an ambulance," Mary said, standing and searching for her phone. Anna pressed the cloth more firmly against her arm and shook her head.
"Please don't!" She pleaded. "Please! Just leave me be!"
"No, absolutely not, Anna. I'm calling an ambulance and then John."
"No!" Anna screamed. She dropped her hand from the cloth, causing it to fall from her arm. Then she grabbed at Mary's hands with her own bloody ones. "Please don't call, John! Please! Please!" The urgency in Anna's voice shook Mary to her core.
"Alright, if you'll let me call an ambulance, I promise I won't call John," Mary promised. She grasped the comforter on Anna's bed and pressed it against the wound to attempt to stop the bleeding. Then with her free and shaky hand, she called for an ambulance, her eyes never leaving Anna. She noted how pale her friend was, but as she spoke with the operator on the other end, she was able to keep her voice steady. Once she was off the phone, she placed it down on the bedside table and swallowed hard, trying not to burst into tears.
"I'm sorry," Anna cried, hiding her face into her pillow. "I'm so sorry." And that's what she repeated over and over until the ambulance arrived.
-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-
Now
Anna felt so ashamed. Her eyes remained down at her lap as she recounted what had happened.
"Mary got me to the hospital and pretty much paid off the ambulance drivers not to say anything to the news outlets about me being there. Then she had Dr. Clarkson help me out privately and called my parents."
"Why didn't anyone call me?" John questioned, his voice full of hurt.
"I wouldn't let them," Anna quietly answered. "I'm sorry. I'm so ashamed," a small whimper left her lips. John hooked his finger under her chin and forced her to look up at him. Staring back at her was not judgement, but instead love. His thumb caressed against her cheek and he gave her a faint smile.
"I refuse to believe that there is shame in this, Anna. You were hurting. I should have never left you. I let you down."
"No," Anna strongly replied. "I was horrible to you. The way I spoke to you…" Her words faded. "I blamed myself for Emmy's disappearance. Not you. I hated myself, John. And I pushed you I way. I hurt you to hurt myself, because I was the one who failed. I was her mother. A mother's job is to protect and I…." She couldn't speak anymore. Her words got stuck within her throat and she blinked, allowing more tears to fall.
John's thumb continued to glaze across her cheek. He pursed his lips and then shook his head.
"It wasn't your fault, Anna. Maggie is the only one to blame. She was the one who hurt us."
"But I hurt you, John. I was so mean," Anna shuddered. She felt as John let out a shaky exhale and then his hand cupped around hers.
"I think maybe we were both hurting so badly, that we both said and did things we wish we could take back. I don't blame you, Anna."
"And I don't blame you," she murmured in return.
"So maybe, just maybe, we need to figure out how to forgive ourselves. We can't change the past. We were hurting. Our child was gone. It just was what it was."
Anna chewed on her lower lip and nodded.
"Do you think…" Anna paused her words, too afraid to speak them out loud. She let out a shuddering breath. "Can we go back to who we were?"
"Probably not," John answered, making Anna's lips tremble. But then he quickly amended it, "I mean, we can't be those people before we lost Emmy. Losing Emmy changed us, even though we have found her again. Those five years of loss will always be a part of all three of us. However, I do think that we can become John and Anna again. I would love for us to be John and Anna again."
"Me too," Anna breathed, her heart swelling within her chest. She bent forward and kissed John deeply, reveling in what had been found again. But then a thought crossed her mind and she sat back, pushing slightly against John's chest. He furrowed his brows.
"What's the matter?"
"Casey! You are dating another woman. Oh my god!" She said, mortified, covering her face within her hands. John just chuckled and Anna shot her eyes at him. "How is this funny?"
"My darling, Casey has never meant anything to me. We were just casual dating partners, nothing more. She has never wanted to settle down. She'll find someone new. I'll break it off with her tomorrow."
"Are you sure? I feel…well, I feel bad," Anna said.
"We're still married, you and me," he reminded her, meeting her eyes. "And I've kept my wedding vows."
Anna narrowed her eyes, wondering if he meant what she thought he meant.
"You mean you and Casey never…."
"Never," John assured her. "I told her I wouldn't until the divorce papers were final. I wanted to be an honest man."
There was a heaviness that left Anna's chest knowing that John hadn't slept with Casey. He would have been well within his rights, since they had been legally separated and on the cusp of divorce for a long time. But it was still relieving to hear.
"I do feel bad for her; she's nice," Anna then said.
"She is, but I promise it'll be alright," John told her with a wink. "I think it's time we heal together." Anna couldn't help but smile. She bent forward and captured John's lips with her own.
"Me too."
To be continued...
3 Finally. Now they can work together to heal and grow with Emmy. But how will Casey handle it? Find out soon!
